A/N: Just some missing pieces from 8x16 :) Part 1 of 3.
And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars
Hailey closed her eyes and tilted her head back as Jay's truck sped forward. She let out a soft groan while rubbing the center of her forehead.
"We'll get her," Jay said. Whether it was to her or himself, it didn't completely matter at this point.
"It's a headache," Hailey mumbled.
"Oh," Jay pointed to his glovebox, "I put some motrin in there the other day after that hangover from hell."
If Hailey wasn't so stressed about Kim, she would have laughed at the memory.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
Jay held out his water bottle to her once she'd grabbed the pills from their hidden spot. Hailey gratefully accepted and swallowed the pills.
"I'm gonna get some food in you too," Jay squeezed her shoulder quickly before slowing his car to a stop at a corner. He scanned the street then took off toward the district.
"Jay, I'm fine," Hailey shook her head, "I don't need food."
"Neither of us has eaten since dinner last night and we'd just had sandwiches, we need food," Jay said, "I'll stop at that diner near the district so we can eat while looking through pod footage."
"We need to find Kim," Hailey glanced at him, "There's no time for food."
"You have a headache," Jay reached over to put a hand on her leg, "I want you to eat something. Maybe a coffee will help too."
"Jay, we need to find Kim," Hailey repeated.
"And we'll find her," Jay nodded, "But we can't look for her when we're hungry. We won't be able to think straight."
"I'll be able to think just fine," Hailey looked around as Jay drove, "Just drive to the district."
"It'll be a quick stop," Jay shook his head.
Hailey sucked in a breath and squeezed her eyes shut. Her palms began sweating, so she rubbed them against her pants in an effort to calm down.
Jay finally parked the car outside the diner and said, "I'll be right back. How's an omelet sound or a waffle? I can get both actually and we'll split."
"I don't want anything," Hailey breathed.
"Hailey," Jay shut off the car, "You need to take care of yourself."
Hailey pressed her palms into her eyes, "We need to find Kim."
"Hey, hey," Jay pulled his seatbelt off and reached over to grab her hand, "Look at me. We are going to find her."
"You don't understand!" Hailey's voice cracked and she tried pulling her hand away, but Jay just tightened his hold.
"Explain it to me," he said simply, "Hailey, explain to me what is going through your mind right now."
Her lip wavered and she silently cursed herself as she fought his gaze she knew was fixed on the side of her head.
"I'm right here," Jay breathed and reached up with his free hand to lightly touch her cheek, "Please talk to me."
Hailey blinked her eyes quickly then looked at him, "I didn't eat when you were missing."
Jay frowned slightly and nodded.
Hailey wiped her face and unclipped her seatbelt so she could properly look at him. "Vanessa got me to eat half a granola bar, but it physically hurt me to eat," she explained quietly, "My first meal was the one she brought me in the waiting room during your surgery and I was such a basket-case I don't even remember what it was."
Jay continuously squeezed her hand in encouragement as he watched her talk.
"So," Hailey cleared her throat, "It doesn't feel right to eat right now with Kim gone. I know what Adam's going through and…and I wouldn't wish that on anyone."
Jay nodded and rubbed his thumb under her eye catching a tear that managed to slip out.
"That was so damn scary," Hailey whispered, "I didn't know if you were alive or dead or in one piece or scattered throughout Chicago. We found a puddle of blood and-and…," she shook her head.
"I'm so sorry," Jay said softly, "I'm sorry-"
Hailey shook her head again, "It's in the past."
Jay couldn't help but smile, "Hailey, it's clearly not. We've never talked about this and, given the situation we're in right now, I think we need to."
"But Kim," Hailey weakly tried.
"Give me five minutes," Jay breathed, "I want inside your brain for five minutes and then we'll get food and head back to the district."
"We still need to get food?" Hailey asked.
Jay nodded and put his hand on the back of her head, "I'm really worried about you right now."
Hailey breathed in, "You don't-"
"I do," Jay said, "I do need to worry about you. It's okay that you need to take a break right now. I need a break right now."
Hailey chewed her lip and nodded.
"Can you tell me more about when I was missing?" Jay asked, "You didn't eat, but what did you do? Maybe we can use some of that to help us find Kim. What strategies worked? What didn't?"
Hailey grabbed his hand and began lightly playing with his fingers, "I'm not…I sort of…" she sighed, "Please don't…you were missing and…"
Jay watched her talk and gently scratched the back of her head in the way he knew helped her relax. He didn't say anything as she debated her next words.
"I shot someone," Hailey swallowed the lump in her throat, "Just in the leg, but I had him underneath me on the ground…I was stepping on him begging him to say where you were. I had a gun to him," she shook her head, "I was going to do anything to find you. Adam…Adam's going to do that, I just know it."
"He might," Jay nodded, "I can see him breaking laws and overstepping to find her because it is Kim."
"I don't want to do that this time, though," Hailey said quietly, "Not because it's not you, but because looking back…that was wrong. I'm trying to be better, Jay. I know I've made mistakes, but I really do want to be better."
"I know, I know," Jay whispered and cupped her face, "But like I've told you, you are not broken, do you understand that? You are not a broken person. We have all done things we shouldn't have. Just a few months ago, I wasn't completely honest when I knew Latrell killed K-Mac. I hid the truth and I justified it. You are not alone and you are not a bad person. Do not ever think otherwise."
Hailey nodded against his hand and sucked in a breath.
Jay tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "You are a damn good cop, Hailey Upton, and you have a big heart and a good soul. You always want to do the right thing for our victim. It just so happens that this is now the second time your victim has been someone you care about, so maybe the lines get blurred when you're trying to sort through everything but I understand why."
"Love," Hailey softly corrected, "It's the second time someone I love has gone missing."
Jay smiled slightly and nodded.
Hailey reached up her shaking hand to press it to the side of his face, "I love you now, but I loved you then too. I almost told you," she sniffled and tried to laugh, "Do you remember?"
Jay chuckled, "I do. In the hospital."
Hailey brushed her thumb under his eye, "I don't know what I would have done if I lost you. I can't ever lose you."
Jay turned slightly to kiss her palm, "You won't. You're not going to lose me. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
Hailey nodded and breathed shakily.
They stared at each other for a moment and they both let the unspoken words linger before Jay leaned forward to kiss her forehead.
"Let's go get food," he whispered, "I still want you to eat and you made a good point; I'll grab Adam some food too."
"I can wait here," Hailey said.
Jay shook his head, "I want you to stay with me right now, okay? If not for you, for me."
Hailey nodded and slipped from the truck.
With one hand on his radio and the other on Hailey's back, Jay walked them into the small diner.
Hailey listened as he ordered food for everyone and subconsciously leaned back into him. His thumb rubbed circles over her vest up until the moment he needed to step forward to pay.
Hailey watched him with the tiniest of smiles on her face. Jay turned to look at her as he put his wallet back in his pocket. He caught her eye and winked.
Hailey laughed softly and shook her head.
'I love you,' Jay mouthed.
Hailey tilted her head to the side and mouthed back, 'I love you too.'
No words were spoken aloud, but they could both hear it clearly through the soft bustle of the small diner. It floated between them throughout the rest of their wait for their food and during their entire drive back to the district to keep them grounded as they searched for Kim.