And why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words
"I'm serious, let's get married."
Hailey couldn't look away from him. From that little smile he had. From the tiny bit of hope in his eyes mixed with the concern.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that they had spent so long together as partners and as friends before either of them was brave enough to make a definitive move.
It wasn't fair that her past had prevented her from diving head first into this new relationship for too long.
It wasn't fair that Jay was so good and she had tarnished that the week before.
It wasn't fair that she had killed the man she was trying to arrest.
Hailey sucked in a breath at the thought and stepped backwards.
Jay put his hand out, "Hailey."
It wasn't fair that she still felt like the scared little girl hiding her head under a pillow when things got too loud downstairs.
It wasn't fair that Jay was battling his own demons from his own past.
It wasn't fair that he'd had to push those demons aside for the past few months for her.
It wasn't fair that the only thing Hailey wanted in the world was Jay.
"Marry me," Hailey whispered.
Jay shook his head slightly and reached forward enough to wrap his fingers around her wrist.
"I can't lose you," Hailey breathed.
"You won't," Jay said, "You're not going to, but…marriage?" He weakly laughed and brushed his thumb over the back of her hand, "Hailey, I love you and I want this too-"
"Then let's get married."
Her voice cracked and she felt her bottom lip waver.
Hailey needed Jay like flowers needed rain. She couldn't survive without him. He was her cool drink of water after a long day at work or just at home. He kept her strong and tall and brave. He knew how to make her smile. He knew when she just needed a hug. He knew her favorite songs. He knew the spot on her neck that always made her eyes flutter close. He knew what movie to put on when she was feeling nostalgic. He knew that she hated raspberries.
Jay knew her.
He could spot her lying from a mile away and could sense when she was approaching without even turning his head to confirm. He could read her eyes like he read the directions to every single piece of furniture he put together in her apartment. He didn't mess anything and was always right on the first try.
This meant that he knew, right now, in this minute, that she was not okay.
Jay shook his head again and easily pulled her into a hug.
It was all Hailey needed to start crying.
The sobs wracked through her with such force that Jay's arms tightened their hold around her so she wouldn't fall down, and when even her legs couldn't hold her up, Jay slowly brought her down to the floor right there in he living room.
Everything Hailey had been feeling and holding in for the past twenty-four hours poured out of her.
Every thought of Kim broken and in pain some where.
Every worry for Makayla and Adam.
Every ounce of frustration with the entire situation.
Every memory of Jay laying bleeding under her hands.
Every piece of anger she felt toward Voight.
Jay's hands slipped under her jacket and rubbed soothing circles over her sweatshirt. Her back ached, but whether it was from the stress of the day or the crying, she didn't know.
Jay said nothing as he held her and tried to silently soothe her. Hailey almost felt like a child crying because she'd lost her favorite toy.
It was really quite the opposite, though, she was crying over just the thought and the fear of losing her favorite person. She was crying because he was here and he really wasn't going anywhere.
Jay always kept his promises.
The tears began slowing down around the time Jay's phone rang. Hailey hiccupped and tried pushing away from his chest only to have Jay whisper, "No, Hailey."
She closed her eyes and buried her face back in his neck.
She felt Jay clear his throat before his hand slipped out to grab his phone from his pocket.
"Hey…yeah, we – uh – we'll be there later. Can you just stay with Kevin?...Thank you."
Hailey's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion and her tears instantly stopped.
Jay was crying.
She could hear it in his voice, and when she slowly sat up at the same time he was putting his phone on the ground, she was able to see it on his face as well.
Shakily, she reached up to touch the few tear tracks on his cheek. She shook her head and breathed, "I'm sorry."
"No, no," Jay cleared his throat again, "I'm fine. I'm just worried about you."
"You don't-"
"I always will."
Hailey nodded and closed her eyes. She would have said the same thing had the roles been reversed, so she didn't blame him.
Jay's thumbs were soft against her cheeks as he brushed away the few spare tears. He frowned, "I…I don't know what to say."
Hailey sniffled, "You could say 'okay.'"
Jay raised an eyebrow, "Okay? Like 'okay' I'll marry you?"
Hailey felt like she was going to start crying again as she nodded.
"Hailey," Jay breathed, "I am more than okay with marrying you, but there is something going on right now that is more important than two rings and a white dress."
Hailey's breath hitched in her throat. She whimpered, "I don't ever want to be without you and-and-"
Jay shook his head, "Hailey, Hailey, I'm not going anywhere. I've been saying that for a long time now. Why do you think you're going to lose me?"
Hailey wiped her face and fought back the memory of her gun going off killing the one person she thought she'd convinced Voight to save. He may have kidnapped Kim, but they had no right to shoot him…and she did. She could get in a lot of trouble and she couldn't bring Jay down with her.
"I can't tell you," she said.
"No, that's not how this is going to work," Jay cupped her face, "Hailey-"
"I love you so much," she whispered.
"And I love you too," Jay kissed her forehead before tugging her back in against his chest, "So much. You are everything to me, understand? I have absolutely no plans to ever leave you, so take a breath and really listen to me when I say I'm not going anywhere."
Hailey squeezed her eyes shut against the hot tears threatening to spill over again, "Even if I did something wrong?"
"Hailey," Jay gently ran his fingers through her ponytail, "Please talk to me. Tell me what's worrying you."
Hailey swallowed the thick lump in her throat.
She had pushed Jay to talk at the beginning of their partnership – to let things out and share because that would help him. They'd been there for each other from that very beginning. He listened when she talked about Booth. She listened when he talked about Afghanistan. This shouldn't be any different. She had supported him through everything.
She needed to trust that he would do the same now.
"I lied."
Jay's fingers didn't stop through her hair or along her back. "About what?" he whispered.
Hailey felt like she was vibrating internally while sitting frozen against his chest. She breathed in shakily, "We did find him."
She didn't need to say who 'him' was for Jay to understand.
"Okay," Jay nodded.
"And I killed him."
The words fell from Hailey's lips before she could stop them along with one tear of realization that came down her cheek.
Again, Jay's fingers didn't stop their soft movements.
"Why?" he asked simply.
"Because he grabbed Voight's gun," Hailey said. She pictured it clearly in her mind. Voight had bent over to uncuff him and then he'd grabbed his gun. "Because he grabbed Voight's gun," she repeated quietly and then again a little louder, "Because he grabbed Voight's gun."
Jay's fingers finally stopped to gently pull Hailey away from his chest to look in her eyes. His own eyes were laced with worry and pity.
Hailey closed hers to avoid looking at them. He was disgusted. He was probably regretting saying nothing could stop him from loving her.
"Sounds like a good shoot," Jay whispered.
Hailey choked out a small sob and her eyes shot open, "You really think that?"
Jay nodded and brushed his fingers along her cheek, "He could have shot you or Voight. It sounds like a good shoot."
"You're not mad?" Hailey asked.
Jay smiled slightly and shook his head, "I'm not mad at you."
"Good," Hailey breathed mostly to herself. She stayed connected to Jay, but sat up more against his chest to press her face into his throat.
"I've got you," Jay whispered and held onto her, "I'll be with you every step of the way too, I promise. I'll drive you to any meeting you need to have with Ivory Tower. I'll take you to the required therapy sessions. I will be there, Hailey."
Hailey knew his words were supposed to be reassuring, but they were just the opposite.
There weren't going to be any meetings with Ivory Tower about an officer involved shooting, and she wouldn't be forced to go to any mandatory therapy sessions because Voight had said he would take care of it. The only people who knew about this were Voight, herself, and now Jay.
Hailey squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.
"Hey, what's going on?" Jay asked, "Hailey, I'm serious. You've supported me through everything I've done; I am going to support you too."
"Everything was off book," Hailey whispered, "It was off book. I…I murdered him."
Jay stared at her with wide eyes and breathed shakily.
"Voight," Hailey sniffled and wiped her nose, "Voight said he'd take care of it, but…but it's over. I messed up."
"N-No," Jay said quickly, "You did not mess up, do you hear me? Hailey, you did not mess up. They dragged you into this mess, Adam and Voight, they brought you down. You are above this. You were doing the right thing by shooting him for grabbing Voight's gun. He could have shot Voight or, even worse, you. You saved your life and that never means you made a mess. I would never get mad or leave you because you protected yourself."
Hailey listened with tears falling down her face again.
She was above this. She really hadn't wanted to go. She understood, like Jay and Kevin, that this entire case was going to be looked at with a fine-tooth comb. She hadn't volunteered to go with Adam and Voight, she had been told to join them. And when she went after Voight, it was because she knew what she was going to find, but again, she didn't want to shoot or kill anyone, she wanted the correct version of justice. She wanted to be on the right side of the law. She wanted to make a difference and to prove that she was not going to be another version of Hank Voight.
"Hailey," Jay whispered, "We'll figure this out. I promise you. It still stands – I am staying by your side."
Hailey looked in his eyes and saw the truth. She saw the man who really was decent and good and her anchor holding her steady in this crazy, crazy world.
"I believe you," she said quietly, "I do."
Jay smiled sadly at her, "I'm glad." He wiped the few remaining tears off her face then rested his forehead against hers. "You, Hailey Anne Upton, are a force to be reckoned with and are going to get through this," he breathed before kissing her.
Hailey's eyes fluttered close heavy with the last few teardrops. She sank into his kiss for just a moment before pulling back.
'Let's get married.'
She winced as she remembered how this whole mess of a conversation began. She looked down at her hands resting against Jay. She knew they came from the fear of losing Jay, but she also knew about his past with marriage and engagements and that he didn't take something like that lightly.
Jay seemed to remember as well because he whispered, "I'll marry you."
Hailey's eyes widened and she looked up at him, "What?"
Jay chuckled and rubbed his face, "I will. I will marry you, Hailey, but not tonight and probably not tomorrow." He tilted his head to the side, "But when we're ready and when Kim is okay and our lives are back to normal…I'm marrying you. Nothing's going to stop me from getting down on one knee and asking you to marry me. And since you already sort of proposed, you better say yes."
Hailey felt the laughter tease at her lips before it worked its way out into the air between them.
Jay chuckled as well and put a hand on the side of her cheek, "I'm serious, let's get married…some day." He winked and brushed his thumb under her eye.
"Okay," Hailey said softly.
"Okay," Jay repeated.
His phone rang again and he groaned while grabbing it. Hailey frowned and held his free hand.
"Hey Kev," he sighed, "Yeah, yeah, we'll be there soon. Thanks. Do you need us to bring anything?"
Hailey let out her own sigh as she rested her head on his shoulder. She slid her other hand up to Jay's chest and felt his heartbeat through his shirt.
It was steady and kept her grounded. Just like Jay.
His fingers returned to his hair as he listened patiently to Kevin rattle off everything he was worried about. Hailey could only barely hear what he was saying, but she could easily hear the worry in his voice through the phone.
Jay and Kevin were good men. Adam was a good man. Voight…she pushed the thought from her head and sank further into Jay's chest.
"When Hailey and I get there, then, you can leave and go shower…No, it's not an option. You need to take care of yourself."
Hailey smiled slightly. Always looking out for others was Jay's specialty. It was just one of the reasons she loved him.
"Yeah, see you in a few," Jay said before ending the call. He hugged Hailey to him and let out a long breath.
"We should go," Hailey whispered.
"Only if you're ready," Jay said, "We're not going anywhere until you're feeling better. I know you're not going to feel a hundred percent, but I want you feeling something other than doom and gloom before we walk out of this apartment."
Hailey rolled her eyes and carefully climbed off of him, "I'm ready to support Kim."
"If it ever gets to be too much," Jay stood up then reached a hand out to Hailey, "You tell me and I'll take a breather with you."
Hailey nodded while standing, "Thank you."
"I mean it, Hailey, the second it gets to be too much, you tell me," Jay kissed her forehead and hugged her tightly.
Hailey closed her eyes wrapping her arms around him. She could sense a double-meaning behind the words. In one sense, it was the obvious – the 'if too many thoughts of Voight and guns come up' version of it. The other version was related to their conversation early that morning – the 'if this reminds you of when I was in Kim's position' version.
"I will," she breathed into his shirt.
Jay held her for one more minute than reluctantly let her go only to grab her hand, "We're walking out of here together."
Hailey smiled and nodded.
Jay squeezed her hand before leading her out of the apartment.
Hailey subconsciously leaned into him and took a deep breath.
She did trust him.
She had finally put it into words and he had repeated them back to her.
They were going to get married some day.
For better or for worse.
Hailey loved Jay and they were going to be okay.