"Since we met that girl, Becca. I was standing there and you were talking to her and I realized that I could be a parent with you because I just knew you were going to be an incredible mom. If I could do it with anyone, I could do it with you."

1 – May 10, 2004 – 17

"Oops, sorry, sir."

Jay looked up from walking home from school just as a baseball rolled in front of him. He adjusted his backpack before bending down and picking up the ball.

"Sir, can I have it back?" a boy asked while walking over. He was small, maybe in middle school, and wearing glasses and a shirt two sizes too big.

"Uh," Jay tossed the ball in the air, "Only if you stop calling me 'sir.'"

The boy stopped a few feet away from him and nervously chewed his lip.

Jay chuckled and held the ball out, "My name's Jay."

The boy smiled slightly as he grabbed it, "I'm Peter."

Jay nodded and stared at the kid still nervously watching him. He glanced around then asked, "What're you doing?"

"Practicing for the freshmen baseball team," Peter said.

Jay's eyes widened, "You're a freshman?"

Peter nodded, "I'm fourteen. I'm kind of young, but that's okay."

Jay laughed quietly, "Yeah, that's definitely okay. I'm younger than my friends too. They'll all be eighteen and free way before me. I'll have to wait until next May."

"Whoa, so you're seventeen?" Peter asked with wide eyes.

Jay shrugged, "What about it?"

"No one like you's ever talked to me," said Peter.

"Huh," Jay adjusted his backpack again.

"Do you play baseball?" Peter smiled, "Maybe you could help me make the team."

Jay raised an eyebrow. Part of him wanted to fight back because he shouldn't playing with some kid right now, but he also really didn't want to go home and read or do his homework, so he nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I play," he slipped his backpack off and tossed it onto the lawn of Peter's house, "I'll play catch for a bit."

"Sweet! I'll go get you my dad's glove," Peter smiled before running to his garage.

And that's how it starts.

Jay stops staying at the school bleachers bumming around after the bell rings so he can practice earlier with Peter who can't play after dinner because his mom makes him do his homework. Jay figures he could stick to a schedule like that too as a role model, so he also starts doing his homework after dinner at the table. When his mom questions him, he tells her he turned over a new leaf.

He takes the role of coach seriously. He creates drills for Peter and they run a mile together every other day. He also teaches him how to oil his mitt and buys him gum to chew like the real players.

Peter's dad is a lawyer and Jay's works in construction, so they're never around. Jay starts leaning into that fatherly role and likes it. He looks forward to spending time with Peter. The boy's only a few years younger than him, but their relationship is built on mutual respect.

Jay occasionally imagines this is what being a dad should be like. While his dad originally played baseball with him, now he couldn't be bothered. Jay doesn't want to be like that. He wants to play with his kids. Being a dad seems fun.

Peter's first day of tryouts goes smoothly. After dinner, he shows up at Jay's door and they sit on the porch together recounting the whole afternoon. Jay's proud of Peter as he listens to him talk.

'Yeah,' he thinks as Peter's running home, 'I'm going to be a dad.'

However, Peter doesn't show up at his door the next afternoon. Jay restlessly eats dinner then can't wait any longer. He just waved at his mom before heading down the block toward Peter's house.

At the door, he knocked quickly and glanced in the window.

Peter's mom opened the door a moment later to say, "Hi, there. I was wondering if you would come over."

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Well, no," Peter's mom stepped back, "He's up in his room. I think he could use a friend."

"Oh, no," Jay mumbled as he walked in. With each step upstairs, he felt like he was being filled with dread. If Peter was hiding in his room, there was no good reason behind it.

Only one door was closed when he reached the landing and he knew that had to be the one. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on it and said, "Peter, it's Jay. Can I come in?"

"No."

"What?" Jay asked, "Dude, it's me."

"Dude," Peter called back, "No."

Jay shook his head then pushed the door open, "Peter, talk to me."

Peter rolled over on his bed with a sigh. He sat up so that Jay could properly see his black eye, "Talk about what? I hate my life."

"Holy crap," Jay quickly crossed the room, "What the hell happened?"

Peter pushed Jay's arm away when he sat next to him on the bed, "Nothing."

"Something clearly happened," Jay said, "Did you get hit in the eye at practice?"

"That's what I told my mom," Peter mumbled.

Jay's eyes widened, "That's…so if…what really happened?"

Peter shrugged and put his head in his hands.

"Hey," Jay said quietly, "You can tell me."

Peter waited a beat then whispered, "I didn't make it and a couple guys made fun of me."

"Oh…damn," Jay breathed, "Peter…I…I don't know what to say."

"You should say sorry for making me think I was good," Peter snapped, "You…You pissed me off!"

Jay raised an eyebrow, "I pissed you off?"

"Yeah," Peter nodded.

Jay shook his head then stood up, "Whatever. Sorry." He started walking out, but stopped at the door to say, "Put some ice on your eye, kid."

He walked out and didn't talk to Peter again. He didn't understand how some kid could be so ungrateful for his help. It wasn't like it was his fault that Peter got beat up.

This feeling reminded him of when his dad would call him ungrateful, and he never wanted to feel like this again, so he swore off kids. They weren't worth the hurt.

2 – July 22, 2008 – 21

Jay's unit is stationed about a mile from a school in Afghanistan. It's housing close to thirty kids ages six to fifteen like an orphanage. Everyone uses it as motivation to win the war. These kids need to be freed. They don't visit it, though, until they've been there for a week.

As he and a couple other guys are walking up to the school, Jay sees many of the kids playing soccer around the back of the building. They remind him of being home in Chicago when he'd play soccer or baseball in the street with Will and the other neighbors. Those were some of the best memories of his summers.

Now he was spending his summer in a war that he was convinced would kill him.

"Did I tell you I was on the team?" Mouse asked out of the blue.

Jay turns to see him also staring at the kids. "Which one?" he asks with a smirk.

"Soccer," Mouse said, "Bet I'm better than you."

Jay raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"Yeah," Mouse nodded, "I bet we can round up some of those kids and make a little tournament, what do you say?"

Jay crossed his arms and watched the kids run around the field. Finally, he smiled and said, "You're on."

They took off toward the kids and quickly put together two teams. The rest of the afternoon was spent running around, showing off, and making silly bets. They loved every second of it that when they were telling the others about it that night over dinner, they added in that they couldn't wait to go back.

For two weeks, whenever they were given the chance, Jay and Mouse would jog over to the school and play soccer with the kids. Through it all, Jay grew to love coaching kids again. One night, he decided he was going to be the soccer coach for his kids' soccer teams. He loved when one of the kids here would make a goal on him or Mouse – they almost always did a celebration dance and it was priceless every single time. He couldn't imagine how great that feeling would be when the kids playing were related to him.

For the first time since he arrived in the country, he imagines going home.

He imagines waking up to two kids jumping on his bed and shaking him until he sits up. He doesn't know who their mom is, but she's there too. There's one boy and one girl – both have brown hair and green eyes just like he does. They're beautiful and they're his.

He then pictures Christmas morning and watching these same two kids opening presents under the tree before they all run out to play in the snow. He misses the snow.

He also misses the rain. He knows soccer teams almost always play despite the rain. He's shocked when a brief worry passes through him that his kids would fall and twist an ankle in some mud.

It's how he puts himself to sleep each night. Life seems less scary when there are kids to look forward to.

They're woken up on the twenty-third night to an explosion that shakes their souls. Mouse is running next to Jay as they go toward the fire lighting up the desert sky. They know where it's coming from, but neither wants to say it aloud.

Four hours later, each child is confirmed dead. Every single one.

A part of Jay hates himself for getting so attached to them. He should have known better. Nothing good ever comes from war.

He easily slips back into the idea that he'll be returning home in a casket. He knows he can't survive this war. It's not possible.

Even when he does return after being medivacked, he doesn't think he'll survive – not when he can't focus on anything more than pain for twenty seconds at a time.

Not even the thought of having kids can break through the drunken haze he exists in because of all the morphine. Kids are no longer his future.

He doesn't have any future.

3 – September 29, 2013 – 26

Jay's heart was pumping out of his chest. He was grunting quietly each time his palms pressed against the small boy's heart.

"Is he okay? Is he okay?" the boy's mom asked.

"Ma'am, you should step back," another person said, "He's trying to help."

"Come on," Jay breathed, "Come on!" He bent down and gave two breaths into the boy's mouth.

He didn't know anything about this boy. He didn't know his name or how old he was or what he was even doing near the Chicago River. All he knew was that he was walking along the path when he heard a woman screaming her son had fallen in. After making sure someone called 911, he grabbed the boy from the water and immediately began CPR. He didn't care that he was off-duty. This boy needed help.

The next time he shoved his hands into the boy's chest, he heard a distinctive crack, but tried not to think much about it.

"What was that? What was that?" the mom screamed.

"His ribs," Jay grunted. He blew two more breaths into the boy's mouth then had to sit back as the boy came to life.

He coughed hard and his eyes shot open while his arms flailed around.

"Hey, hey," Jay said and grabbed him, "You're okay. You're okay."

"You saved him, oh my god," the mom fell to her knees next to them then wrapped her arms around her son, "Hi, baby, hi, Mommy's here. I'm here."

Jay sat back to catch his breath. He shook his head, but still smiled slightly when the boy gripped his mom in a tight hug.

It was heart-warming.

Part of him wanted that hug. He wondered what that felt like to be held like that after a near-death experience. He didn't have anyone to grab him like that after Afghanistan; he'd been alone for a while in the hospital before returning home. Yes, his parents both gave him a hug when he walked up to their front door, but it wasn't the same. They weren't there when he needed them most. It wasn't even their fault; it just wasn't the right time and place.

He now wondered how his parents felt at that time.

He knew they found out through his sergeant, but they didn't see him for a month. They couldn't hug their son like this woman could here. It had to have been devastating.

He slowly breathed in then stood up. He couldn't see Will right now and he couldn't see his mom, so that left his dad.

They didn't get along, but right now he wanted a family. He wanted his family. Maybe in the future, he could have his own kids. He almost lost everything he had; now he needed to hold onto it and build everything back up. He really could build a family.

When he knocked on the door to his childhood home, he only needed to wait a minute for his dad to answer.

"Jay," Pat said once he opened the door, "What're you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd stop by," Jay tried to smile, "Wanna have a drink?"

Pat stared at him for a moment then nodded and stepped back, "Sure. Is everything okay? You look wet."

"Uh," Jay chuckled as he made his way to the kitchen, "I just saved a kid from drowning."

Pat's eyes widened, "Are you serious?"

Jay nodded and took two beers from the fridge, "Yeah. He fell in the Chicago River, so I grabbed him out and started doing CPR."

"That is…wow, Jay," Pat shook his head in disbelief, "That is great. I'm proud of you."

Jay's smile widened. He had wanted to hear that for so long and now he was hearing it because he saved someone's life. Nothing seemed better.

He opened the two cans and slid one across the counter toward his dad, "Thank you. I really appreciate hearing that."

"Course," Pat raised the beer can before taking a sip, "So is he gonna be okay?"

"Think so," Jay took a long drink of beer, "I broke his ribs, but-"

"You broke his ribs?" Pat interrupted.

Jay nodded, "It happens. Saved his life though. He'll be okay."

"Jay, how old was this kid?" Pat asked.

"Like seven," Jay shrugged.

"Seven?" Pat shook his head, "That's not okay."

"Dad, it happens," Jay said, "Really, he's going to be okay. His mom's just glad he's alive."

"Will would have done better," Pat mumbled.

Jay's eyes shot wide open, "What?"

Pat glanced at him then pursed his lips, "Will wouldn't have broken his ribs. I think he wasted his money by going to school like that, but at least he would have learned how to save someone's life."

"Oh my god," Jay put his beer down, "Are you serious? Are you serious right now?"

Pat nodded, "You should go apologize to that child and you should be ashamed of what you did."

Jay didn't know what to say. Suddenly, every ounce of pride he had was drained from his body. He let out a breath then headed back to the front door.

"Where are you going?" Pat asked.

"I'm leaving," Jay said. He opened the door, "You know, most people would be proud of their son for saving someone else's life."

"I was proud of you," Pat nodded, "And then you told me you hurt a kid. That's not right, Jay."

Jay walked out of the house and slammed the door.

He took back everything he thought - family wasn't worth the pain.

His dad couldn't find it in himself to be proud of his own son even when something normal happened. He never wanted a child to feel like he did right now. What if he accidentally made his own son feel less than? He didn't think he could ever live with himself, and yet his dad was inside right now probably drinking the beer he'd left behind.

As he drove away, he vowed off kids. Family wasn't worth this hurt.

4 – November 3, 2015 – 28

He'd recently been kidnapped and tortured. He almost lost his girl. Things were rough.

But he came out alive.

Jay was doing well. He recovered and he got the girl back. His best friend was even back and working with him daily. He was happy.

Suddenly life didn't seem scary. He could see a future past tomorrow. Thoughts about having kids began creeping in again. Sometimes they looked like Erin, but oftentimes they were just kids. He wasn't ready to consider marriage quite yet, so he kept those thoughts at bay - the kid ones, though, those were safe.

He was nearing thirty and that seemed like a good time to get serious about a family. He had a couple years, so he could relax and decide if Erin really was it for him. He didn't have anything to worry about.

The day he met Ethan Jones, though, changed everything.

Suddenly there was this boy sitting next to him crying because his swim coach had taken advantage of him and the thought of having kids terrified him. The anxiety and fear only increased that night when he had to talk to Ethan's mom.

Her eyes were broken. It was the best way Jay could think to describe it. The second the word 'raped' fell from his mouth, her eyes broke. He could tell her heart shattered.

She stared at him for a complete minute saying nothing, and then she began whispering.

"No," she said, "No, that…that didn't happen. Not…not my son. You have to be mistaken."

"I'm so sorry," Jay replied. He heard footsteps, but didn't need to turn to know Ethan had come into the kitchen.

"I would have noticed," Sarah shook her head, "I-I…a good mom notices if something-if something happens." Her eyes shifted from Jay to Ethan and she broke down. "I am so sorry, I'm so sorry," she cried.

Jay glanced back to Ethan to see his hands shaking as he said, "It's not your fault."

Sarah stood from the table and wiped her eyes before walking over to her son. She whispered, "Can I hug you?"

Ethan nodded slightly.

Jay watched Sarah hug Ethan then looked down at his own hands that were also shaking. He felt sick.

The pieces of himself that had wanted kids were now fading into a feeling of disgust. He held it back though for the next half hour as he explained the case to Ethan's mom and everything they did that day.

Sarah then offered to buy him him dinner and wouldn't take no for an answer. As she left to go pick up the pizza, Jay figured she needed the alone time to process what she was told and was more than willing to sit alone with Ethan.

He wished beyond anything he could take Ethan's pain away, but he knew there was only so much he could do.

So when he was reluctantly leaving, he hesitated in the front door. He looked at Ethan then pulled his wallet out. "I want you to call me," he said while taking a business card out, "If you ever need anything, understand?"

Ethan nodded and accepted the card, "Thank you."

"I mean it," Jay raised an eyebrow, "You want to talk about what happened or play video games or even need help with girls," he smiled when Ethan laughed, "You've got me, okay? Always."

"Yeah," Ethan nodded and looked down at the card in his hands, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Jay said softly.

"You'll be at court?" Ethan asked.

"Yes," Jay stated quickly, "I'll be there. I can even drive you, okay? All of us will be there for you."

Ethan's eyes widened, "Really?"

Jay nodded, "We're on your side."

Ethan smiled slightly then put the card down on the table. He took a deep breath, "Um…thanks. You…you really…thanks."

"Hey," Jay lightly punched his shoulder, "You're welcome."

Ethan breathed in and put his hand out.

Jay smiled and shook it, "I'll see you around, okay?"

Ethan nodded, "Yeah, definitely."

Jay winked then headed outside to his truck. Once inside and driving away, he finally let angry tears fall. At each stoplight, he found his fist hitting the steering wheel.

Men who beat and raped women and children were lower than low, and yet he may have found someone even lower: a coach, someone meant to support and guide kids, who raped two boys.

He lost all hope he had.

Even that night, when Erin came over for beer and a movie, Jay couldn't imagine having children with her. He couldn't imagine having kids with anyone. To have kids meant to have trust in the world. He didn't know how he could ever do that when he'd seen how horrible and disgusting the world could be.

He couldn't have kids. He didn't ever want to be in Sarah Jones's position.

5 – November 13, 2019 – 32

Jay messed up and he hated himself. Marcus West was innocent, but was also dead. Jay was at fault. He couldn't avoid it. All he could do was attempt to make it right.

So he found Marcus's family and began helping them out - a couple pizzas, some cash for groceries, fixing a leaky pipe, and babysitting.

He really hadn't hung out with a kid one-on-one since he was in high school, but it was going well. He liked Bobby and he loved playing baseball. It was an easy way to make sure the boy was doing okay after his dad died.

Jay didn't consider himself a father figure for the boy, but he did imagine being a father because of him. He once again had thoughts of playing catch and pitching to a little boy, though this time, the boy was blonde with blue eyes.

Maybe he liked Hailey. Maybe.

She was just always there for him and she was kind and determined and funny and she really was pretty.

Hailey was his best friend; he didn't doubt that. She was more than just his partner; he needed her in his life.

He couldn't bring himself to say anything to her, though, because he didn't think she liked him like that. He had no doubt she liked him as a friend - she had made that crystal clear - he just didn't know if she also pictured having kids with him.

So for now, he played catch with Bobby once or twice a week, then would go home and imagine playing baseball with a brunette girl and a blonde boy. His little future family.

"Do you have a kid?" Bobby asked one afternoon as they sat waiting for Angela to come pick him up.

Jay laughed and shook his head, "No, I don't."

Bobby frowned, "Do you know any other kids?"

"Not really," Jay said, "Why?"

"I'm just wondering," Bobby shrugged. He let out a breath and swung his legs against the bench.

"Here," Jay grabbed a water from the small cooler he had brought and opened it passing it over to him.

"Thanks," Bobby took a long drink then asked, "Do you want kids?"

Jay raised an eyebrow, "What's with the questions?"

"I just want some friends," Bobby explained, "So maybe you can find me some."

Jay smiled, "Bud, if I were to…make a kid tomorrow, you wouldn't even meet it for nine months and then it'd still be a baby."

"Haven't you heard of adoption?" Bobby asked, "You could get a full grown kid right now. I know this girl Jessica; she's adopted. She used to live in a different country."

"I have," Jay chuckled, "But I'm not really in the place to have kids now."

Bobby's eyes widened, "Don't you have a home?"

"I do," Jay nodded, "But I mean I don't have a wife or-"

"My mom doesn't have a husband," Bobby said quietly.

Jay stopped and stiffly nodded. That was his fault.

"You should just think about it," Bobby glanced up and saw his mom park her car. He stood, "Kids are fun. You're having fun with me, right?"

Jay tried to smile before he said, "Yeah, I'm having fun with you."

Bobby's face lit up, "That's cool. I'm having fun with you too. Thanks for being nice to me and my mom."

"Anytime," Jay said as he stood up. He waved at Angela and took out a few folded twenties from his pocket.

"Have fun?" Angela asked Bobby.

"Yeah," he smiled, "Jim's cool. I was just telling him he should get some kids so I can have friends." He grabbed his glove off the bench, "Bye."

"Bye, be good," Jay said. He watched Bobby run over to the car then turned to Angela with the money, "Here, buy some dinner on me tonight."

Angela hesitated before accepting it, "If you're sure."

"I am," Jay nodded, "I want to help you out."

"You've already done so much," Angela said.

Jay shrugged, "It's okay. We all need some help sometimes."

"Well, thank you," Angela slipped the money in her pocket, "You won't have to do it again. I'm trying to get a job."

"Awesome," Jay smiled, "That's great. Good for you."

"Thanks," Angela smiled back, "I'll see you soon."

"Of course," Jay nodded.

Angela shot him a small wave then headed to her car.

Jay took a deep breath. He'd never even considered adoption. He didn't have anything against it; it was just not something he ever thought about – unlike having a couple blonde kids with enough determination and drive to make him visit the school office once or twice.

As if she was reading his mind, Hailey called him at that same moment.

"Hey," he said when he answered while walking over to his truck.

"Hey, where are you?" Hailey asked.

"Uh, the park," Jay answered.

"The park? Doing what?"

"Just work stuff," Jay lied, "One second, I'm starting the car."

Hailey waited a moment to give him time to get settled then said, "Work stuff?"

"Yeah," Jay rubbed his face grateful that Hailey couldn't see him, "I've been meeting with an unwitting."

"Voight know?"

Jay bit his lip. No. Voight didn't know. No one knew. He knew no one would approve, so this was something better kept under wraps.

"No," he stated.

"Gotcha."

Jay glanced in the mirror to make sure the street was cleared for him, but then his eyes narrowed. He could have sworn he saw Hailey's car coming toward him.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm leaving the grocery store now. I was wondering if you'd want to grab a beer tonight? Vanessa and Kevin are going out for a movie. Do you know what that's about?"

Jay slowly nodded then pulled his truck out to begin driving back home. It was probably just his eyes playing tricks on him since he was just thinking about her.

"Uh, no," he laughed in regards to her question, "But maybe they're just friends."

"Yeah, I guess. All right, I'll see you tonight. Say eight?"

"Usual place?" Jay asked.

"Obviously."

Jay smiled at her reply, "See you then."

"Bye."

When the phone call ended, Jay breathed in. It wasn't that he liked lying to Hailey, but he wanted to protect her. He didn't want anyone else being negatively affected based on his poor actions.

To distract himself, he imagined her blue eyes again and what they'd look like when holding a baby for the first time or when their child hit a homerun. They'd be the same blue eyes said child would have.

The same blue eyes shining with tears a week later as he fought for his life in the back of an ambulance.

"You're going to be okay," Hailey said sternly, "You are going to be fine. I'm – hey! Hey, look at me, Jay!"

He couldn't keep his own eyes open. Everything hurt too badly and he couldn't breathe. His chest just hurt so much. All he could feel was Hailey's cool hand in his.

"No, no, Jay, I'm here, I'm here, please. Can you open your eyes? I'm right here."

It sounded like she was crying. He didn't want her to cry, but he really couldn't open his eyes like she wanted.

He could see hers, though. Through all the pain and the fire building inside of him, he could see her blue eyes on the back of his eyelids. Like the week before, he tried imagining her eyes in different future scenarios – when she walked down the aisle at their wedding, when their daughter took her first steps, when their son graduated kindergarten – but something seemed off this time. Those future scenarios weren't working. He could only picture her eyes in the past – when he first showed up at her house unannounced for a drink after a hard case, when she reminded him that he was a good person outside a mosque of all places, when they survived a shooting in the back of a surveillance van.

The future suddenly didn't seem possible. It was like when he was being airlifted out of Afghanistan. He needed to accept that his life was over.

It hurt to think about, so he returned to memories of Hailey. They relaxed him enough that he was able to drift away from the pain.

But then he survived, and those same memories kept him company at night when Hailey wasn't there. She spent a lot of time with him at the hospital. Sure, she left occasionally for work, but she always returned for dinner. He began thinking about their future again and was determined to make a move when he could get dressed by himself – left arm be damned for holding him back.

For a brief moment, though, after she helped him get his coat on so she could drive him back to his apartment finally, he thought she was going to make the first move. He was ready. Her eyes were as big and as blue as ever. She said she was thinking about him while he was in surgery…

And his phone ringed and he was brought back to the present. It seemed to rock Hailey enough that instead of continuing their conversation, she walked out of the room to go get her car.

He must have been mistaken. He thought she was going to admit to liking him in the way he liked her, but he had to have been wrong – if something as small as a phone call could break her concentration, maybe she didn't like him.

As she walked out of the hospital room, all thoughts of kids and a future together went with her. He felt a little silly for holding onto such a pretend world for so long.

1 – April 7, 2021 – 33

Waking up with Hailey in his arms was always a good thing.

Waking up with Hailey in his arms after she told him she loved him was an even better thing.

Jay pressed his lips to her cheek and whispered, "Good morning."

She smiled and fluttered her eyes open, "Good morning."

"Faking sleep again?" Jay chuckled.

Hailey shrugged and ran her hand down his chest, "Maybe I wanted to dream a little more."

"About what?" Jay asked.

"You," Hailey said simply, "And last night." She took a deep breath, "I meant it."

"I know you did," Jay replied. He smiled and lightly nudged her nose with his, "I did too."

Hailey laughed softly and gently pushed him back, "Hey."

"Hay is for horses," Jay said.

Hailey raised an eyebrow then laughed harder, "Stop." She sat up, "That was such a dad joke and it's too early for that."

Jay laughed with her, "Sorry." He reached over to grab her hand, "Did you want to do anything today? Our new day off."

Hailey smiled slightly, "I'm sorry."

"No," Jay shook his head and sat up, "Don't apologize for yesterday at all. You saved a little girl's life, Hailey. That's not a bad thing."

"Okay," Hailey breathed.

Jay leaned over to kiss her softly, "It all worked out."

"Yeah," Hailey whispered against his lips.

Jay slipped his hand in her hair then slightly pulled away, "Are you okay?" He brushed his thumb along the back of her neck in the way he knew helped her when she was stressed and had a headache.

She breathed in deeply then said, "Do you mind if we go visit Becca today?"

Jay smiled and shook his head, "Not at all."

Hailey smiled back and grabbed his free hand, "Thank you. I'm gonna shower, okay? Then we can head out."

"Of course," Jay nodded, "I'll join you in a minute, give you a head start."

Hailey let out a soft laugh and kissed his cheek before slipping from his arms and hurrying to the bathroom.

Jay took a deep breath then rubbed a hand over his face. "God," he whispered.

"That was such a dad joke."

He hadn't let himself imagine a real future with her in a while – not since she walked out of the hospital room. Once they actually started dating, the future he imagined with her was just a day ahead of time, sometimes a week if he wanted to plan something special. He was living in the moment with her because he'd realized too early on in their relationship that life could slip away in an instant. He didn't want to become attached again to a life that wasn't going to happen.

Maybe maybe he could let that fear go and start picturing those blue-eyed kids again. He'd finally found it in himself to tell her that he loved her and that he wasn't ever going to leave her – maybe now he could do something for himself and imagine a life with her that didn't just involve pizza for dinner on her couch.

Especially after hearing about her past and how she grew up, he was even more determined than ever to grow a future with her. He just wanted to see her smile for as long as he could.

She had barely smiled at all the day before when it involved Becca, but now when they were walking in Becca's hospital room just an hour after waking up, her smile returned and Jay truly thought she looked beautiful.

"Hi," she said, "Do you remember me?"

Becca smiled back and nodded, "You found me."

"I did," Hailey said softly. She pulled a chair over, "Do you mind if I sit?"

Becca nodded again, "That's okay." She glanced over at Jay then down at the IV in her hand.

Hailey followed her gaze then said, "His name's Jay. He's my boyfriend."

Jay felt his heart stop. They'd been together for close to five months and had yet to use labels. They both knew they were each other's boyfriend and girlfriend, but it didn't seem necessary to say the words, especially when they weren't dating publically.

"Oh," Becca's smile returned. She relaxed and looked up at him again, "Oh, you…I saw you yesterday too."

Jay cleared his throat and stepped forward, "Yeah, hi, how're you?"

Becca shrugged and frowned. She breathed in then held up her hand with the IV, "I don't like this, but apparently I'm dehydrated."

"Trust me, I hate those too," Jay said.

Hailey laughed softly and shook her head, "Jay doesn't like needles."

"I hate them," Jay corrected. He put his hands on the end of Becca's bed, "They give me the creeps."

Becca laughed, "But you're an adult."

Hailey smiled, "Adults can have fears too." She looked at Jay and tilted her head to the side, "We all have at least one thing that scares us."

He smiled back at her, "What's important is how we get over our fears. Hailey helps me with mine."

"That's nice," Becca said softly, "Do you love each other?"

Jay bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to watch his 'I-love-yous,' not because he didn't mean it, but because he knew Hailey was still learning what love was. He knew she loved him and that was enough – he didn't need to hear the words every day.

"We do," Hailey answered for him, "We love each other very much."

Jay relaxed and smiled at her. Hearing the words again felt almost as good as hearing them for the first time.

Hailey winked at him then scooted closer to Becca, "So, do you need anything? Are you hungry?"

Becca blushed and nodded.

"What do you need?" Jay asked, "I can go get you something. My brother even works here, so I can get you the good stuff."

"Anything?" Becca's eyes widened, "Even candy?"

Hailey teasingly scoffed, "Jay doesn't like candy."

"I like candy," Jay rolled his eyes.

"Okay," Hailey laughed.

Jay ignored her and asked Becca, "What kind of candy do you want?"

Becca chewed her lip then looked around him to make sure no nurses were nearby before whispering, "Sour Skittles."

Jay smiled, "Then I will go find you some."

"Thank you," Becca said.

Jay jokingly saluted her and smiled at Hailey's laugh then walked out of the small room. Making his way to a nearby vending machine, he let his thoughts linger on Hailey and all that she'd said in just the last ten minutes – she'd easily told someone that Jay was her boyfriend and that she loved him. It felt like the most progress they'd had in a while. If she could easily say those words aloud, then maybe he could start picturing their future together again.

Returning to the room with a bag of Sour Skittles for Becca and a Snickers bar for Hailey in his hand, he stopped just outside the door to watch the two talking.

Hailey had moved even closer to the bed and was gently brushing the small girl's hair. She was talking quietly enough to her as she worked that he couldn't hear what she was saying. In response, Becca was rubbing her eyes with her hand not connected to the IV and appeared to be crying. Hailey stopped brushing her hair then gathered her in her arms to give her a tight hug.

Jay breathed in and leaned against the door, but now he wasn't seeing her comfort a victim of a case – now he was seeing her hugging a little girl after scraping her knee outside. This girl wasn't blonde either, she had light brown hair, but she still had Hailey's blue eyes. She was theirs.

He could be a parent; he knew it now for sure. Like his path to deciding he could be a dad, this wasn't going to be easy. They both had their own pasts to recover from, but it wasn't impossible. They had each other.

His dad skewed his view on how to be a parent. Hailey's parents skewed her view on love. Maybe from the outside they looked like they couldn't ever have kids and be successful, but he completely disagreed.

If anyone could be good parents, it was them. They knew exactly what kids needed because they knew exactly what kids didn't need.

They were going to be parents – the only thing he'd ever wanted more than this was Hailey, and now he had her. Their next step – in the future, way in the future – would be to form a family.

He was ready.