"Uh, guys, did anyone else happen to notice that they dropped us down a trapdoor into a shaft that launched us into this truck which is driving us WHO KNOWS WHERE?" Baljeet shouted in a panic.

The truck sped down a long dusty road, passing Agent P as it went. He peeked out from the alien brush he was hiding in and gasped when he realized the gang and Doofenshmirtz were inside the cargo bed. He blasted off in a sprint after the truck, extracting his grappling gun and firing it at the vehicle.

Without warning, the truck sped up, making his grapple come up just short and miss its target. The driver, a familiar looking koala bear, glanced at Agent P from the truck's side mirror and hit the accelerator, grinning smugly.

He's Zippy, the world's fastest koala! He's the fastest koala in the world! He's always running around!

Upon seeing who it was driving the truck, it was at that moment Agent P realized he was going to need a bigger grappling gun.

How Candace Against The Universe Should Have Ended

(Candace, she was a failure,
Thought her brothers betrayed her,
But she's visiting Feebla-Oot now!
So you're being recommended
To see How It Should Have Ended
You're about to read it riiiight…

After another chorus―
Nah, just kidding!)

"Why do you have a portal?" Phineas asked Doofenshirtz inquisitively.

"Well," explained the evil scientist, "I was trying to get to the planet Feebla-Oot in the Vro―the Vr―the―the Vro―"

"The Vroblok Cluster," assisted Ferb.

"We have to get to Feebla-Oot to save our sister!" interjected Phineas.

"And my daughter was apparently abducted by an alien pod from there," Doofenshmirtz said. "Here, look. Sh―She posted on social media. Look, see?"

The gang huddled closer to see the picture from Doofenshmirtz's smartphone.

"That's Vanessa! We know her!" Phineas said, a concerned look crossing his face.

Breaking character, Ferb suddenly emoted and gasped. "Phineas," Ferb solemnly declared, placing a hand on his step-brother's shoulder, "we have to save them, no matter what!"

"Whoa, Ferb, at the mere mention of Vanessa, you're suddenly taking this so seriously!"

"Now we know that they still have cell service aboard the ship that abducted them," Ferb elaborated, pointing to Vanessa's post about herself and Candace. "That means we can easily rescue them."

Phineas' eyes lit up. "Oh, you're right!" He whipped out his own cell phone. "We can use the 'Go To' App we created for Candace! 'Go To: Candace and Vanessa!'" he said, whipping out his phone.

"Candace, Vanessa, located," said a cool, feminine voice. Just like that, they teleported to the spaceship, right beside Candace and Vanessa.

"I know, it's just a smoothie, I really shouldn't," Candace said, contradicting her actions as she loaded the smoothie machine with an empty cup and hovered her finger above the dispenser. "What the? Phineas? Ferb? Et cetera? And I don't even know who you are," she said, looking up and realizing all these people had appeared out of thin air.

"Really?" an exasperated Doofenmshmirtz said with a long face. "We fought all my clones together that one night when my Repulsive-Inator overloaded, turning everyone in Danville into the form of a repulsive―oh, wait, I take it back. I'm glad you don't remember that."

"Dad!" Vanessa exclaimed, jumping up to give her father a hug. "You came to rescue us!"

"I―yeah, I did, didn't I? I don't know what I did exactly exactly, but―"

"And now," Phineas instructed his phone, "'Go To: Danville!'"

They popped back into existence back in Doofenshmirtz's lair.

"And we're back!"

"Well, that was remarkably easy," noted Buford.

"Yeah!" Phineas cheered. "I mean, Candace had this app on her phone the whole time! I don't know why she didn't think to use it."

Candace chuckled nervously. "Haha, yeah, must've slipped my mind..."

"And even if that didn't work, there's a whole slew of other projects past that would have also done the trick," Phineas listed. "Like that old broken time machine at the museum, the photo transporter, the rocket ship we built the first time we went to space, the ship we built the one time that energy beam bounced off our satellite dish while we were surfing asteroids, heck, we even could have just called Meap! I'm sure he would've been happy to help us on a mission to rescue Candace!"

"And Vanessa!" Ferb emphatically reminded.

"Oh, right, and Vanessa!" added Phineas.

It suddenly went quiet as everyone looked around, wondering what to do next. After a pause, Candace said, "You know, I'm still mad at you guys," pointing at her brothers, then running off unexpectedly.

"Candace, wait! Now where are you going?" Phineas called out. Turning to Ferb, he reiterated, "Now where is she going? We still need to give her that gift we made her! 'Go To: Candace!'"

"Wah! Leave me alone!"

"'Go To: Candace!'"

"I hate you so much right now!"

Or...

"It's just that everyone always thought my brothers were so special," Super Super Big Doctor explained, opening up to Candace's therapeutic coaxings. "No one paid attention to me at all. So I made myself special by controlling everybody else. Wait a minute!" Comprehension began to dawn. "This hasn't been about my brothers at all! It's just been about my own self-worth. Wow. wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow―What a breakthrough!"

Unbeknownst to her, Mama was growing steadily larger and larger just behind her. The gang, still wearing their gas masks, slowly began backing up.

Super Super Big Doctor took no notice of their movements. "I don't need to do any of this," she continued.

"Uh," Candace tried, attempting to snap her out of her monologue and turn around, like Candace had attempted so many times already this summer upon her own mother.

"Listen to me!" shouted Super Super Big Doctor to the brain controlled spectators, ignoring Candace. "You do not have to listen to me!"

"I'm confused," the crowd chanted.

"I am not going to control you anymore! I was seeking validation through the mindless obedience of others, but no more! Because I am enough! I am spec―"

"Rawww!" Mama roared as she chomped down and swallowed Super Super Big Doctor whole.

"Well, that victory was short lived!" cried Isabella as the gang all turned and fled before Mama released more spores and gave chase.

"My computer simulation was right! That planet really did have carnivorous plants on it!" Baljeet shrieked.

"Run! Run! Run!" shouted Buford. "It's gaining on us!"

At that moment, Vlorkel appeared with Vanessa and Doofenshmirtz riding its back, using its claws to pull Mama back and give the kids a chance to escape.

"Yeah!"

"Vanessa!"

"Quick, get on!" Vanessa ordered, landing Vlorkel beside them.

"You tamed a space dragon?" remarked Candace, quickly hurrying up Vlorkel's spikes to ride next to Vanessa.

"Her name's Vlorkel," grinned Vanessa.

"Vlorkel Vlorkel Vlorkel Vlorkel Vlorkel." Phineas and Ferb chanted.

"Well, that's disturbing." Vanessa snapped the reins, and Vlorkel flapped her wings. "Hold on!" They flew away from Mama, Vlorkel pulling all sorts of maneuvers to stay out of reach of Mama's vines.

"Wait," Candace asked, "how did you get back to Earth?"

"The good old Chicken-Replace-Inator! I remembered it had a setting for the furthest chicken!"

"So we switched places with the furthest chicken," took over Doofenshmirtz, "which was here on Earth."

"Wouldn't the furthest chicken be on the opposite side of Earth from here?"

"I guess Danville just happened to be the side of Earth farthest away from Feebla-Oot at that moment!"

"Okay, but where did you and your dad get those gas masks!"

"We grabbed them on the way here!"

"Oh, nice! Did you grab one for Vlorkel too?"

"What? No, we don't have one big enough for her―which means..."

Vlorkel sniffed the air and only now began to feel the effects of Mama's spores. Her eyes lost focus, and she cartwheeled around, now heading straight for Mama's gaping mouth.

"No, Vlorkel, no! Stop! Turn around! Listen to me, not that stupid plant!" Vanessa yanked on the reins, but to no avail, as the space dragon hurtled forward, diving straight down Mama's gullet. The carnivorous plant swallowed them all whole with a crunch.

From inside Mama's stomach, Candace squinted her eyes against the pitch darkness. "Okay, somebody use that Chicken-Replace-Inator and get us out of here."

But this is how it really should have ended…

Super Super Big Doctor and her minions were loading their stuff onto their spaceship in preparation to go invade Earth. "Now, make sure Mama is comfortable," she said, before pausing to listen. "Wait, what am I hearing right now?"

"I, uh, I think―I think it's music, ma'am."

They looked over the rampart wall in the direction of the battle music that was growing louder.

This is our battle song
As we're marching into war.
This is our battle song
We're gonna give you guys what for!
You might think you can defeat us,
Your defenses have some heft,
But the thing that we won't tell you
As you're fighting on the left
Is the left is just a skirmish,
A diversionary fight,
We'll hide the bulk of our forces on the right!

Super Super Big Doctor grinned. "The fools! They're telling us their plan―in song! Get our forces over to the right!"

"Yeah, okay, boss," said Hermellivue, her underling. "Uh, what do we do with these guys who are already advancing over here on the left?"

"Thermal Cannon," Super Super Big Doctor muttered boredly at Shoe Monkey.

Shoe Monkey produced a shoulder-mounted laser and aimed it directly at the approaching forces.

"Well, poop, guess we're screwed," Borthos, the coward, said downtroddenly before everyone scattered lest they be incinerated by the laser beam.

"Ha!" Super Super Big Doctor celebrated, pointing her finger. "I was gonna save this huge laser for later, but then I thought, now's good. Well, with that out of the way, I guess that'll make taking over the rest of your planet a cinch―"

"―And so that's how I conquered Earth, made all the humans my mind-controlled slaves, and became the richest, most important, and most special person on two planets!" Super Super Big Doctor said with a huge grin, seated at the Villain Pub next to Loki, the Joker, and Voldemort.

Together, the villains burst into raucous laughter. "Heroes are so annoying!" jeered Voldemort. "Those kids actually thought they would fake you out by lying about their battle plans in song form like that? How old are they, like, two?"

"Ahaha, worst plan ever!" cackled the Joker. "That is why I am not a guy with a plan, I just do things! Like a dog chasing a car, I wouldn't know what to do with one if I actually caught it!"

"I know, right?" snorted Super Super Big Doctor. "I mean, what kind of an idiot would think that would work?"

Just a few hours before...

"Hey, I've got a plan," Doofenshmirtz said. "When we charge the alien's evil lair, why don't we sing! And as we sing, we explain in song form that our main force is just a diversionary tactic, that our main force is coming from the right! They'll totally fall for it! They'll never suspect a thing!"

"That's literally your worst idea yet," Isabella said. "What kind of an idiot would it take to fall for that?"

"Well, I'm the adult, ergo I'm calling the shots, and I say we trick that Super Super Big Whatever by lying about our plans in song form. It'll work, you watch."

Isabella growled under her breath.

Meanwhile, back in the Villain's Pub...

General Zod, still wearing his neck brace, chimed in from further down the bar. "Anyways, I especially liked the part where the nutrients in Earth's atmosphere made your plant gain powers and become stronger."

"Well, I approve of your tactic to become ruler of the world through mind control," Loki smirked, "however it would have been even cooler if you had used a sky beam."

"Eh, sky beams are overused," sighed Super Super Big Doctor.

"Well I was doing sky beams before they were cool," said Emperor Palpatine, while using the force to refill everyone's drinks. "The Death Star was the first and greatest sky beam. All the others you see these days are cheap replicas."

"Yeah, but at least they don't have exhaust ports leading straight to the main reactors," Voldemort sassed.

"Quiet, you."

"So, what do you plan to do next, now that you've conquered Earth?" Loki asked.

"I'm glad you asked," Super Super Big Doctor said. "Now that Mama is thriving with her new unlimited supply of Remarkalonium, I can―"

"Excuse me," Poison Ivy said, butting in, "are you the one who took over the world using a giant plant? Can we be best friends?"

"Ooh, well you do look a lot like my last best friend," Super Super Big Doctor said. "She had red hair too. Can I call you Candy Cane?"

"No."

"Oh. I thought we were on the same page there for a second. My bad."

"It's cool. I was just going to say that between Mama and my abilities, together we could destroy all of the cities man has created to pollute Mother Nature!"

"And build new ones in our own image, with giant gold statues of ourselves for everyone to worship?" Super Super Big Doctor's eyes grew wide at the prospect. "Then I could make hundreds of castles and smoothies and hit sitcoms!"

"What? Ew, no," Poison Ivy said, repulsed. "I mean, except maybe the smoothies thing, that part doesn't sound so bad."

"What is with women and smoothies?" Voldemort snidely remarked. "It's like, 'Ooh, lets mix ice cubes with fruit!' Tch! It isn't that great!"

"I'll have you know that smoothies are delicious!" Super Super Big Doctor said, standing up from her seat. "And if you can't see that, well, then maybe I have no reason to spare this pub from Mama's spores, either! I was gonna let you all go free, but I'm starting to see that there's nothing special about any of you villains! You're all just a bunch of wash-ups!"

"Good," purred Emperor Palpatine, "good. I can feel your anger. Strike me down with all your hatred, and your journey to the dark side will be complete!"

Super Super Big Doctor blinked loudly. "Is―is he always like that?"

"Yes," everyone in the pub said in unison.

"Weird." Super Super Big Doctor shrugged.

"If you won't turn to the dark side," Palpatine continued, "then maybe she will! Yes, your 'sister!' Your old BFF, Candace. Now your feelings have betrayed her too. Yes. I have already foreseen it. Soon I will have her become my new apprentice; one far younger and more powerful!"

"Wait, what?" Super Super Big Doctor asked, in shock. "No, leave Candy out of this! If you touch her, I'll bring Mama here and let her eat you!"

"It seems you do have a good side buried deep within you," Palpatine droned. "This pub is for true villains only. You are no longer welcome here. Bouncer!"

Bowser the Bouncer stomped forward to remove Super Super Big Doctor from the room.

"You can't ban me! I ban myself! And I'll go make my own pub where I'm the only one who's special!"

"Do you feel special?" Bane appeared out of nowhere to say. "You merely adopted the specialness. We villains were born in it! Molded by it! I didn't see someone who was as special as me until I was already a man and by then it was nothing to me but another rival!"

With that, Super Super Big Doctor was unceremoniously tossed out of the Villains Pub. She dusted herself off before shaking her fist at the building. "We'll see who's specialest after I'm finished working the humans to the bone to make my glorious kingdom!"

Just then, Phineas, Ferb, and the rest of the gang showed up in gas masks and threw an assortment of ropes and lassos at her, wrapping her up tightly. "Gotcha!"

"Drat!" Super Super Big Doctor said with a frown. "How did you get here?"

Baljeet suddenly raised his voice in answer. "We got here using a little trick we learned from Space Adventure, episode 445B! Eat cancelled TV show!"

Buford cast a sad look at the nerd. "I bet that sounded better in your head."

"It did not." The Indian boy hung his head in shame.

Thanks for reading! Friendly reminder that I do not own Phineas and Ferb, How It Should Have Ended, or any other characters!

"Oh Dad, I can't believe you came all the way here to save me!"

"And then you saved me." Doofenshmirtz and Vanessa embraced in a touching father-daughter moment. "Look at you, adulting."

"You know that's not a verb, right?"

"Yeah, so I've been told. But I don't know how we're gonna get home from here..."

"B-gawk!" A chicken squawked somewhere off camera. "Bawk bawk bawk..."

"That's it! Well use the Chicken-Replace-Inator to switch places with a chicken on Earth! I originally tried to use it to replace a mayoral award as they were giving it to Roger. Because, you know, if Roger was seen holding a chicken, everyone would laugh at him! Chicken, laugh! Chicken, laugh! It's obligatory!" They all climbed on Vlorkel's back as he elaborated. "Anyways, c'mon! Get on! Here we go, selfie mode! And―"

Pew!

"B-gawk! Bawk bawk bawk."

Doofenshmirtz, Vanessa, and Perry all looked around from the spot they had teleported to, a mere ten feet away. Somewhere, a sitcom laugh track played, enhancing their confusion.

Doofenshmirtz thought his Inator made a mistake. "Wait a second..." Pew!

"B-gawk!"

Laugh track.

"No, one more try."

Pew!

"B-gawk!"

Laugh track.

"Dad?" Vanessa questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"See? Chicken, laugh! Chicken, laugh! I told you it was obligatory!"

Meanwhile, Perry was just glad that Doofenshmirtz hadn't seemed to have discovered Agent C's secret identity yet.

A! Gent! C!