Author's note: Hey guys. Guess it's time for me to do another Cards Against Humanity fic. Since I did The Avengers last time, I figured I'd keep things fair to the DC fans and do the Justice League this time around. And like last time, it's movie versions specifically. All cards have been picked AT RANDOM from the biggest list of cards I could find. I need to specify that, because I had multiple complaints last time about the fact that several cards badmouthed Trump. Listen, you conservative morons: there is an ENTIRE EXPANSION PACK dedicated to doing exactly that. If a random number generator happens to pick those cards, then I'm going to use them. Just like I'd do if there are cards making fun of Democrats. So get over it now, or leave. And with that said, let's offend some people.
In one of the many, many, MANY rooms of Wayne Manor, five of the members of the Justice League sat around a table.
"Where is Bruce?" asked Diana. Most of the group muttered something in agreement about the lateness of their host.
"Master Wayne will be here momentarily," said Alfred, pouring more tea for the annoyed Amazonian. "He said he had to make sure things were set up right."
"What was set up right?" asked Barry. "If he needs help, I could…"
"No need," came a voice from the entry to the room. The group turned to see Bruce Wayne step into the room, wearing a suit worth more than most people make in a lifetime. "We're all good to go."
"Finally," said Arthur. "Hey, any chance of getting something a bit stronger than just tea in here?"
"Of course," said Bruce. "Alfred, bring out the Macallan."
"Sir, you spent $1.9 million on that bottle," said Alfred.
"And Arthur here is a guest, and will be treated to only the finest a Wayne can offer," said Bruce. "Besides, he's royalty."
"Very well sir," said Alfred, leaving the room.
"So, are you by any chance going to tell us why we're here?" asked Clark, shifting in his chair to face Bruce.
"I suppose you should know why I called you here," said Bruce. "We're going to play a game."
"YES! Game night," said Barry enthusiastically. The speedster looked around the room, and only saw confused or annoyed faces. "What, just me then?"
"You called us here, to play a game?" demanded Victor. "That's it?"
"Hey, we just saved the world," said Bruce. "It was a pretty tense situation, I thought you guys might appreciate something to help unwind a bit."
"Well, I'm not sure I appreciate the idea," said Arthur, as Alfred came back into the room with a bottle of sixty-year-old scotch. "But I certainly appreciate this, so I'm willing to do whatever it is you have in mind."
"It could be fun," said Diana. "What game did you have in mind."
"This one," said Bruce, holding up a black box with some white text on it.
"Cards Against Humanity," read Clark. "Seriously Bruce? You literally brought me back from the dead in order to SAVE humanity, and the game you want us to play is called that?"
"Exactly why I chose it, it's perfect irony," said Bruce. "Of course, if you're too chicken to play it…"
"Of course I'm not," said Clark defensively. "I just think it's a bit in poor taste, don't you think?"
"That's the point of the game," said Barry. "It's a bit of harmless, offensive fun."
"Offensive?" asked Diana.
"Err…" started Barry, turning away from her. "Victor, you're in, right?"
"I suppose," said Victor. "It's not like I have anything else to do."
"I take it we're all in then?" asked Bruce. "Excellent. Barry, since you seem to know the game, would you like to explain the rules?"
"Sure," said Barry. "So, like, one of us reads out a question cards, and the rest of us have to answer it with an answer card, and whoever asked the question picks the one they found the funniest, and gives them a point."
"That doesn't sound so bad…" said Diana.
"Oh, and a lot of the questions and answers are about horrible, horrible things, or can be put together to become horrible, horrible things," said Barry.
"There it is," sighed Diana.
"So, playing first to ten points?" asked Bruce, which was followed by the group agreeing. "Alright then, everyone wait a second while the machine gives you your cards."
"We're using a machine?" asked Barry. "I assumed we were using the actually cards."
"We are," said Bruce, as Alfred wheeled a large contraption shuffling thousands of cards into the room. "But I may have bought every expansion pack for the game, and, well, it's a bit tricky shuffling nearly twenty-five thousand cards, so that's why I was late, I was making a machine to do that for us."
"I could probably do it," said Barry.
"Same," said Clark.
"Ditto," said Diana.
"It would have been awkward, but I think I could have managed," said Victor.
"It's almost like you only did it because you're the only one here without powers," said Arthur.
"…shut up," said Bruce, as the machine gave each of the players ten cards each. "Okay, who wants to go first?"
"I'll do it," said Clark, as a black card was handed to him. "Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers _."
"What's Woolworths?" asked Barry.
"They used to be a major five-and-dime retailer until the late 90's," said Bruce. "I think other countries still have them, but they're more like grocery stores now."
"Gotcha," said Barry, looking through his cards.
Each of the players started looking through their response cards for something to answer Clark's question with. "Oh, sweet Hera," said Diana, looking in disgust at one of her cards. "Why would someone write that?"
"I have no idea which one you're reading, but the answer is probably 'because they could'," said Bruce, playing his card.
"Well, as horrible as that card was, I think this one is much meaner," said Diana, playing her card. Barry, Arthur, and Victor soon placed their cards as well, with Victor looking especially pleased with his choice.
"Well, this is about to get horrible," said Clark. "Let's see what you've got for me." Clark picked up the first white card, and chuckled a bit. "Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers fresh road kill."
"Oh, great, now where are we supposed to get it?" asked Barry.
"I'm not going to ask if you're kidding," said Bruce. "What else is there?"
"Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers chlamydia," said Clark, who noticed Victor suppress a laugh at that.
"I don't suppose you get that from Woolworths too, do you?" asked Diana, looking over at Barry.
"No, I get that elsewhere," said Barry, who suddenly had five very concerned pairs of eyes on him. Arthur and Victor, who were sitting either side of him, moved their chairs a bit away from him.
"…moving on," said Clark, grabbing another card. "Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers democracy."
"It's overrated anyway," said Arthur. "You guys should just have a monarchy, like me and Diana have."
"I suppose it would save a fortune in election campaign money," said Bruce. "I mean, any time the leader dies, just get their kid. Done."
"Yeah, I'm sure that couldn't cause problems," said Clark, picking up another card. "Ooh boy Barry, you're not gonna like this one. Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers the lowest price technically acceptable."
"Guess I'm going to Walmart then," sighed Barry.
"Is that where you got chlamydia?" asked Arthur.
"…no comment," said Barry.
"Okay, last one," said Clark, looking at the final card. "Due to a PR fiasco, Woolworths no longer offers gender equality. Wow, just…wow."
"Someone didn't realise I was sitting right here," said Diana.
"More likely, someone didn't care," said Bruce. However, Clark thought he noticed Bruce slightly uncomfortably at Diana's comment. "But anyway, Clark, which one do you think should win that?"
"Hmm…" thought Clark. "I'm sort of tempted to give it to gender equality, just to see what Diana will do to them…"
"Yes," said Diana, her hand lovingly stroking the handle of her sword. "What will I do to them?"
"…but I think I'll go with fresh road kill," said Clark.
"Aww," said Diana, putting her sword away.
"YES, I won the first point," said Barry, taking the black card.
"Well done Barry," said Bruce. "I think we should go around the table clockwise, so I'll go next." Bruce took his card and read it out. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's _ time!"
"I assume this is some kind of reference to something?" asked Clark.
"Hold on, looking it up," said Barry, keying something into his phone. "Yeah, apparently it's from some kid's show in Australia."
"Oh, fun," said Victor. "We're going to pervert something made for children."
"And it'll be hilarious," said Arthur, playing his card. He was soon followed by the other four, and Bruce shuffled the answers so he didn't know who played what.
"Okay, here we go," said Bruce, picking the first card. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's abusing vulnerable old people time! Well, we're off to a good start."
"As the oldest person here, I feel like I should object to that," said Diana.
"Weren't you moulded from clay? Does that qualified you to be a person?" asked Barry, who very quickly had to move his hand out of the way of Diana's sword when it embedded itself in the table.
"Word of advice kid," said Arthur. "If the five-thousand-year-old Amazonian says she's human, then she's human."
"What about me?" asked Clark.
"Nope, you're still an alien," said Arthur, earning himself a look from Clark.
"Okay, next card," said Bruce before a fight could break out. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's so much whiny bullshit time!"
"I didn't know Barry was on that show," said Victor.
"You know I can hit you at nearly the speed of light, right?" asked Barry.
"So can Clark, but I don't see him complaining about insulting you," said Victor.
"Why would he…" started Barry, then just shook his head. "Whatever. Next answer."
"Okay, what do we have next?" asked Bruce as he picked up the next card. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's balls in your mouth time!"
"How subtle," said Diana sarcastically.
"Really? I thought it was pretty blatant," said Arthur, causing Diana to start shaking her head.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's unwanted asscrack time!" read Bruce.
"Is that one subtle too Diana?" asked Arthur, getting himself a huge sigh from the Amazonian.
"Somebody needs to teach fish boy what sarcasm is," said Bruce. "Anyway, the final answer is: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1? I think I am, B2: it's wet butt time!"
"Oh, I hate that," said Barry. "I mean, to have it splash back up after you…"
"I think we get it Barry," said Clark. "Okay, Bruce, which one do you pick, and why is it mine?"
"Unless you were unwanted asscrack, you didn't win," said Bruce.
"Score one for the Atlantean," said Arthur, claiming his point.
"Alrighty then," said Bruce. "Diana, your turn."
"I'm already concerned about what I'm going to see," said Diana, grabbing her black question card. She sighed in defeat as she read it to herself. "Of course I had to be the one to get this."
"Read it," said Victor, with the others all looking at her intently.
Diana sighed again, then read the card for the group. "How does one win the heart of a beautiful woman?" she asked.
"Bruce, did you do that intentionally?" asked Clark.
"I swear, this was randomised," said Bruce, looking for a card to play. A moment later, he saw one he liked, chuckled a little at it, and placed it with the others.
"I'm really looking forward to what's about to happen," said Arthur, looking very eager for what was to happen.
"I'm not," said Diana. "But I suppose I don't have a choice, do I?" Diana picked up the first card and read it aloud. "A load of BS is the way to win a beautiful woman's heart."
"What, you're saying that wouldn't work?" asked Victor.
"You should always try to be yourself with a woman," said Clark.
"Yeah, women are just going to flock to the guy who's half machine, aren't they?" asked Victor.
"Just curious," said Arthur. "Because you seem to be mostly machine down there, can you still…you know…"
"ARTHUR!" snapped Clark.
"What? It's a legitimate question," said Arthur.
"Diana, can you please read another card before I spray the walls with Atlantean brains," said Victor.
"Absolutely," said Diana, picking up another card. "Apparently eating out is the way to a woman's heart."
"Sounds like something Bruce wouldn't do," said Arthur.
"Why do you say that?" asked Bruce.
"…no reason," said Arthur. "What else have you got there?"
Diana picked up the next card and looked slightly alarmed. "Ooh boy," she said. "Well, I'm sure there are some women that are into unrelenting genital punishment, but I can't say the idea appeals to me."
"Oof, count me out too," said Barry, covering his crotch.
"Wimp," muttered Arthur.
"Next up we have…" started Diana, picking up the card and chuckling a little. "I think Bruce might be able to confirm this one. The Brown Palace: A place and a rich guy sex move!"
"I can confirm it works," said Bruce. "It worked a little too well in this one woman who used a whip and dressed like a cat…"
"Are you saying you got some pussy?" asked Arthur, causing the rest of the group to groan at that pun.
"Diana, read the last card before I hit Arthur," said Bruce.
"It just says foreplay," said Diana.
"Did that consist of a laser pointer with your cat lady?" asked Arthur. All of a sudden, Arthur reacted as though he got hit over the back of the head. "Okay, who did that?"
"Oh, like you'd be able to hit the one who did it," said Bruce. "But anyway Diana, which one are you picking?"
"Hmm…" mused Diana. "You know, I think I'll go with a load of BS, just because of how true it is."
"I don't care what your reasoning is, I'll take the point," said Arthur, grinning at the fact that he was winning.
"Alright Arthur, it looks like it's your turn," said Bruce. "What have you got for us?"
"Okay, let's see…" said Arthur, picking up a black card. "The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have_ on every street corner. Something that wouldn't be a problem if you just converted to a monarchy."
"I think that's part of the reason people in this country left England in the first place," said Bruce, looking through his cards.
"I can tell you right now, I've got nothing good here," said Victor, a hint of frustration in his voice. Eventually he sighed and placed a card with the others.
"Okay, let's see what you've got for me," said Arthur, picking up the first card. "The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have a deranged psychopath on every street corner."
"I feel like that's something one of us would be called in to deal with," said Clark.
"I'd see if they were a fellow Republican before I took them out," said Bruce.
"You're a Republican supporter?" asked Barry. "Bruce, I'm so disappointed in you."
"He's a rich white man. Who did you think he'd support?" asked Victor.
"Yeah, I suppose…" muttered Barry, as Arthur picked up another card.
"The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have my boyfriend's stupid penis on every street corner," said Arthur. "God damn it…"
"Is it just his penis that's stupid, or is the rest of him stupid too?" asked Diana.
"He's dating Arthur. Of course the rest of him is stupid," said Bruce.
"Fuck you guys," muttered Arthur.
"Careful, you'll make your boyfriend and his stupid penis jealous," said Clark, getting a laugh out of everyone except Arthur, who flipped him off.
"If you're all done…" started Arthur, drawing the next card.
"I had more, but continue," said Bruce.
"The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have a mama's boy on every street corner," said Arthur.
"I was about to make a Trump joke, but he's a daddy's boy," said Bruce.
"Aren't you a Republican?" asked Barry.
"Doesn't mean I can't make fun of him," said Bruce.
"Next," said Arthur, picking up the next card. "The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have a hard-working woman with the world's biggest dong on every street corner."
"Two questions," said Diana. "Is her penis stupid, and if so, is the size why you started dating?"
"You guys aren't going to let that go, are you?" said Arthur as the others laughed at him. "Okay, last one. The best way to secure a majority of votes is to have the WNBA on every street corner."
"Well, I suppose if you dressed them up nice and skimpy…" started Bruce, earning himself a punch from Diana.
"That's what I was thinking," said Arthur, also getting punched by Diana. "That's why it wins."
"Caught you," said Barry, claiming his point.
"Okay, we really need to do something about those two, otherwise the rest of us aren't going to get anything from this game," said Victor.
"Well, the good news is, it's Barry's turn, so we only have to beat Arthur for now," said Clark as Barry picked up his question card.
"Do the Mahi, get _," read Barry. "I have no idea what the means."
"Already Googling it," said Bruce, phone in his hand. "Apparently it's something that went viral in New Zealand. It's supposed to be 'Do the Mahi, get the treats'."
"That doesn't explain what the Mahi is," said Clark.
"It seems to be some kind of dance this guy does," said Bruce. "Either that or a fish, and I feel like that's something not worth thinking about."
"Indeed," said Barry. "Let's just see who can come up with the best treat for doing the Mahi, shall we?" The group considered their answers for a minute or so, but soon they each played a card. "Okay, here we go," said Barry. "Do the Mahi, get a great relationship with the blacks."
"I didn't think New Zealand had a particularly high population of black people," said Victor. "Even Māori people aren't particularly dark."
"Maybe they mean the rugby team?" suggested Bruce.
"Maybe," said Barry. "Next card: Do the Mahi, get The Impossible Burger. THAT sounds like a treat."
"I wonder what's so impossible about it," said Diana.
"I think it's supposed to be impossible to take a bite out of the whole thing in one bite," said Clark.
"Challenge accepted," declared Arthur.
"In the meantime, the we have the next answer," said Barry. "Do the Mahi, get a penis that gets too hard and explodes blood. OOF! That's the opposite of a treat."
"Yeah, I don't particularly want to think about that," said Arthur, with the other men murmuring in agreement.
"Typical men" muttered Diana.
"Okay, let's get that unpleasant thought out of our minds," said Barry. "Do the Mahi, get a sweet spaceship. Good, we're back to treats."
"I already have one of them, so I don't need to do the Mahi," said Clark.
"Do you still fit in said spaceship?" asked Bruce.
"It'll be a bit of a squeeze, but I think I can do it," said Clark.
"Okay, last one," said Barry. "Do the Mahi, get a big, sloppy blowjob from a mean, tired cowboy. I…guess that's a treat?"
"I mean, a mouth's a mouth, right?" asked Arthur.
"So your boyfriend is a cowboy then?" said Bruce, causing Arthur to flip him off. "Anyway Barry, who wins?"
"Hmm…" pondered Barry out loud. "I think I'm going to go with the Impossible Burger, because that's a treat for me."
"Excellent, I'm on the board," said Victor. "Guess it's my turn." Victor drew his question card and read it to the group. "Things you should never say to your mom."
"Okay, what shouldn't I say to Martha?" asked Bruce.
"Why did you say that…" started Clark, then remembered. "Oh, right, your mother's named Martha too."
"I think the best way to do this card is to just play the most horrible card you have," said Victor. "If it doesn't make grammatical sense, I'll reword it so it does."
"Works for me," said Bruce, playing his card, with the others soon after.
"Okay, what have you got for me?" asked Victor, picking up the first card. "Hmm, more an action than something said. Slowly releasing a huge fart over the course of two minutes."
"Jeez, I'm pretty sure you'd need to be checking your pants for chunks after that," said Barry.
"Thank you for that visual Barry," said Bruce. "What else have you got for us Victor?"
Victor picked up the next card. "Again, this one's more of an action," he said. "And…I'm pretty sure I don't want to read it."
"Do it," said Arthur. "I had to read the thing about my boyfriend's penis, you can read whatever you have."
"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Victor. "Jerking off into a pool of children's tears."
"Jesus fucking Christ," said Diana. "Who the fuck played that?" Diana thought she saw Clark looking a little ashamed of himself, but she couldn't be sure.
"I could always let that one win so you know who to beat the shit out of," suggested Victor.
"Please," said Diana, again thinking she saw Clark react to that.
"But first, I will have to read the rest of these," said Victor, drawing the next card. "And again, we have an action: Biting the pillow."
"Why would you let her see you doing that?" asked Arthur.
"Yeah, now your mum has seen your boyfriend's stupid penis," said Bruce, who then quickly moved his head to the side to dodge an incoming trident.
"Okay, next up," said Victor, looking at the card. "And we still don't have something actually said to your mother. This one's just a really solid shit."
"Is someone literally shitting bricks?" asked Barry.
"Apparently so," said Victor, picking up the last answer card. "And lastly, we finally have said to your mother: Embellishing your sex life to impress your friends."
"Maybe your mother is very supportive of what you do at night?" suggested Arthur.
"Well, after walking in on you biting the pillow and seeing your boyfriend's stupid penis, you'd better hope she is," said Bruce, getting a glare from Arthur.
"Be glad I can't be bothered getting up to grab my trident, Bats," said Arthur. "Otherwise…" Arthur made a motion of throwing his weapon again.
"So, Victor, who takes the point?" asked Barry.
"Like I said earlier, the disgusting one involving children's tears," said Victor.
"Oh…you were serious about that?" asked Clark.
"Get over here Clark," said Diana, getting up from her seat.
"I swear, I was just picking the worst thing to do in front of your mother," said Clark, as Diana slammed his head into the table. "You know that does nothing to me, right?"
"It makes me feel better," said Diana, taking her seat again.
"And on that cheerful note, we just finished round 1," said Bruce. "Personally thought I'd have a few points by now, but I've got time to catch up."
"Alright, bring on round 2," said Arthur, as fresh white cards were handed out and Clark was given his next question card.
Author's note: Okay, end of round 1. I'm gonna use this space to keep you up to date with the current scores, which are:
Arthur and Barry: 2 points
Clark and Victor: 1 point
Bruce and Diana: 0 points