"Alright, here we go," said Clark. "Your question is: I flushed my dead _ down the toilet."
"That's…not a question," said Barry.
"The game calls the black cards question cards, therefore it's a question," said Bruce, playing his card.
"That's not how…" started Barry, before sighing and looking through his hand for a card to play.
"I think I'll do what Victor did," said Clark. "If your card won't make sense as it is, I'll change it to something that does."
"I still have nothing good, even with that rule," said Victor. He pulled one card out of his hand, sighed, and played his card. "It's all I've got."
"Yeah, I'm guessing most of you might have struggled with this one," said Clark. "I know most of my cards wouldn't have worked. Anyway, what have you guys got for me?" Clark picked up the first of the answer cards and read it out. "I flushed my dead orbital mind control lasers down the toilet."
"Did…did someone flush a satellite down the toilet?" asked Barry.
"How big is the crapper that you were able to do that?" asked Arthur.
"I really hope that whoever flushed that didn't have to pass it first," said Bruce.
"Classy," said Clark. "Okay, next up: I flushed my dead bleeding-heart humanitarianism down the toilet."
"Isn't that the opposite of what we're supposed to be doing?" asked Barry.
"It depends how committed you are to keeping people alive," said Diana.
"Are you implying something there Diana?" asked Bruce.
"I hope not," said Clark. "Okay, next answer: I flushed the dead milk man's baby down the toilet. Oh, Jesus Christ."
"That's…one way to dispose of it, I suppose," said Arthur.
"Don't encourage whoever it was that played that," said Diana. "Unless…don't tell me it was you?"
"What? No," said Arthur. "Unless…did you find it funny?"
"I found it sick and horrible," said Diana.
"Doesn't answer my question," said Arthur, earning himself a punch from Diana that knocked him out of his seat.
"I think that answers that," said Clark. "Okay, next: I flushed a vastly superior healthcare system down the toilet."
"Well that's disappointing," said Barry. "America kinda needs that."
"Gotham doesn't," said Bruce. "It seems like half the people I've put away have been doctors."
"Gotham City: great for education, horrible for crime," said Clark, getting flipped off by Bruce for the comment. Clark chuckled, and picked up the last answer card. "I flushed my dead fairy godmother down the toilet."
"However will you get to the ball and meet Prince Charming now?" asked Diana with mock concern.
"Don't worry, she already made the pumpkin carriage for me," said Clark. "But now, I guess I need to pick a winner." Clark sat and considered the options for a few seconds before making his decision. "Who had the healthcare system? You win."
"Taking the lead," said Barry, accepting his point.
"You sure you don't want to pick my one?" asked Bruce.
"Which one was yours?" asked Clark.
"Because if it was the baby one…" started Diana, looking threatening.
"…no comment on the advice of my lawyer," said Bruce, with Diana glaring daggers at him. "But hey, now it's my turn." Bruce grabbed his card and read it out for the group. "The hills are alive with the sound of _."
"I think you're supposed to sing that," said Arthur, playing his card.
"Do you really want to hear me butchering Julie Andrews not once, but five times?" asked Bruce.
"Good point," said Arthur, as the others played their cards.
"Okay, what have you got for me?" asked Bruce, picking up the first answer. "The hills are alive with the sound of dying for the 418th time in Dark Souls."
"Oof, I know how that feels," said Barry.
"It's just a video game, it can't be that hard," said Victor.
"Try it sometime, I dare you," said Barry.
"I think I have better things to spend my time on," said Bruce. "Anyway, the hills are alive with the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice."
"Well, I think that'll win," said Clark. "It's not my card, but I completely understand if I lose to that one."
"You know, I should hire Morgan Freeman," said Bruce. "Not sure what I'd hire him for, but I want him to work for Wayne Enterprises. Anyway, the hills are alive with the sound of giving in to ice cream for dinner just to quiet the kids."
"Wouldn't that mean the hills are quiet?" asked Diana.
"Yeah, it would," said Bruce. "Whoever played that, you lose." Bruce thought he saw Barry's head sink at that comment. "Okay, next up we have: the hills are alive with the sound of armpit fart noises."
"I really hope it's just armpits making the noise," said Clark.
"Better out than in," said Arthur.
"Remind me never to go to the hills with you," said Bruce. "And finally, we have: the hills are alive with the sound of fake male orgasms."
"Gross," said Diana. "Just…gross."
"Why would you even fake it?" asked Arthur. "Just keep going until you finish, she can't be that ugly if you…"
"As much as we'd like to hear your charming views," interrupted Victor. "Bruce, did you have a winner in mind?"
"As Clark said before, can I really go past Morgan Freeman?" asked Bruce. "Who had…"
"Yo," said Arthur, causing a groan from the others.
"Eventually someone other than Arthur and Barry will get a point," said Diana. "But for now, I suppose I'd better have my turn." Diana took her black card and read it, then her eyes bugged out of her head. "Okay, really?"
"Bruce, are you sure you didn't rig the deck so Diana would get all the nasty questions?" asked Clark.
"I swear, this is random," assured Bruce.
"This one isn't really dirty, it's just…" started Diana, shaking her head. "Whatever. Man, this is bullshit. Fuck _."
"Aww, come on Diana, don't quit," said Barry.
"Huh?" asked Diana. "What? No, that's what the card says." Diana placed the card on the table, so they could all read it.
"Ohh…" came a chorus from the rest of the team, before they started looking for a card to play.
"Okay, are we ready for this?" asked Diana as the last card as placed. "Just a question: do I really need to read the swearing over and over again?"
"Yes," said Arthur.
"Yes," said Barry.
"Yes," said Bruce.
"Sorry Diana, majority rules," said Clark.
"I fucking hate democracy," said Diana, picking up the first answer card. "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game®."
"Not the sort of thing people normally rage quit over," said Barry.
"It's a kid's game. Of course they'd flip out over it," said Bruce.
"Maybe not quite in those words," said Clark.
"You'd hope not," said Diana, grabbing the next card. "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck rising from the grave."
"As someone who did that, I can safely say it wasn't the most pleasant experience," said Clark.
"We got that from the fact that you tried to kill us," said Arthur.
"I said sorry," said Clark.
"It's okay Clark, I've got a set of kryptonite rings for everyone if it happens again," said Bruce.
"…uh, thanks?" said Clark, somewhat concerned about that comment.
"And now for the next response," said Diana. "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck the least attractive Kardashian sister."
"Eh, it's still a Kardashian, I'd go there," said Arthur with a shrug, which Diana responded to with another punch.
"I don't think I'd go there for the same reason that you would go there," said Bruce, also getting punched by Diana. "Come on, are you pro or anti sexist comments?"
"What do you think?" asked Diana, getting a confused response from the group. "Okay, well, since none of you have any idea what women want, I'll just continue the game." Diana picked up the next card. "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck Fox news anchors."
"Agreed," said Victor. "They have no idea what the hell they're talking about."
"Yeah, I don't mind if a news source has a bit of a bias, but a least be subtle in your bias," said Bruce.
"I have no idea what Fox is, so I don't know what you're talking about," said Diana. "And now, the last answer: Man, this is bullshit. Fuck mistaking a glue stick for Chapstick®."
"How exactly would you manage to say that?" asked Victor. "Wouldn't your lips be stuck together?"
"And if you did get them apart, they'll probably get stuck together again as you speak," said Clark.
"Well, maybe not yours," said Barry.
"No, mine would," said Clark. "I mean, I wouldn't notice, but they would stick. But anyway, Diana, who's your winner?"
"I think I'm going to go with glue stick," said Diana. "It sounds like it would be pretty painful to normal people."
"Thank you," said Clark, taking his second point. "Okay Arthur, you're up."
Arthur grabbed his question card and read it out for the group. "What helps Obama unwind? Oh, I'm sure this will end well."
"Yeah, no-one's ever started fighting because of politics before," said Barry, looking through his cards. "Never, ever, in the history of anything."
Once Arthur had his five answers, he started reading them out. "Okay, the first thing that helps Obama unwind is…the current political climate. I'm not sure any part of that is worth relaxing over."
"Well, maybe now that he's not president he can go 'eh, it's Joe's problem now'," said Bruce.
"Does he really seem like the sort to do that?" asked Clark.
"…maybe?" asked Bruce.
"Whether he is or isn't, moving on to the next answer," said Arthur, picking up his next card. "He also unwinds with a celebrity sex tape."
"Doesn't sound too bad," said Barry. "Wait, which celebrities?"
"Depends whose turn it is to have it leaked this week," said Bruce.
"As long as there's boobs in there, I don't think it matters," said Arthur, getting slapped over the back of the head by Diana.
"What if the boobs belong to Thatcher?" asked Victor.
"…maybe not then," said Arthur, picking up the next card. "Obama also unwinds with some swinging."
"Huh, never took Michelle as being into that," said Clark.
"When you're that rich and powerful, you'd be surprised what you're suddenly into," said Bruce.
"What are you implying?" asked Barry.
"Nothing you can prove," said Bruce. "I hope."
"And on the disturbing thought of Bruce's kinky sex life," said Arthur, picking up another card. "Let's go in the exact opposite direction with Obama's next relaxation tool: an air DET delivering a pallet of freshly stacked ISIS corpses."
"You're right, that's pretty horrifying," said Clark.
"Wait, what's he planning to do with the corpses?" asked Diana.
"Rich people stuff," said Bruce.
"I don't think we want to know what you mean by that," said Victor.
"…moving on," said Arthur. "Last answer is…rimming. Just rimming."
"Again, not something I thought Michelle would be into," said Clark.
"And again, I remind you that rich people like weird stuff," said Bruce. "But now the question is, Arthur, who wins?"
"Honestly?" asked Arthur. "I can sort of see Obama being into swinging, so I'm gonna go with that one."
"Two in a row for me," said Clark, taking another point.
"Guys, what's wrong with you? You let Clark catch you," said Bruce in mock disappointment. "How could you let that happen?"
"I want to give him hope that he has a chance," said Arthur. "The kid, however, has no excuse."
"Hey, come on, I'm trying my best here," said Barry, taking his question card. "The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have _."
"This place sounds awesome," said Arthur, as he placed his card. "How does one get a job there?"
"You're royalty. You don't need a job," reminded Diana, playing her card.
"But…ass-kicking," said Arthur.
"Well, we're about to see if your answer was worth hiring you for," said Bruce, as the others played their cards.
"Bruce, are you hinting that you're going to actually create a new government department because of a game?" asked Clark.
"He's rich, he can probably do that," said Victor.
"How do you know I haven't already done that?" asked Bruce.
"Good to see you're being responsible with your money," said Barry. "Can I read the answers now?"
"Go ahead Barry," said Bruce.
"Okay, first one," said Barry, picking up a card. "The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have the sick tune."
"Of course," said Arthur. "Every government department should have badass music playing when you walk in."
"I'll get Metallica on the phone," said Bruce.
"Good choice," said Barry. "Next up, we have: The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have the wonderful giant spoon known as 'ladle'."
"Not as effective to eat from as you'd expect," said Arthur.
"That's not what you're supposed to do with it," said Diana.
"Yeah, I know that NOW," said Arthur.
"Now that we've given Arthur a lesson in etiquette," said Barry, picking up the next card. "The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have throwing rolls of pennies at strippers."
"I'm more interested in the fact they'll have strippers," said Arthur, as Diana moved to slam his face into the table. "Yeah, yeah, I know." Before she could reach him, Arthur smacked his face into the table for her.
"Okay, next we have…" started Barry, picking up the next card. "The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have mass destruction or mass distraction, whichever."
"Sounds like an action movie for ADHD people," said Victor.
"And finally," said Barry, drawing the last card. "The Pentagon? That's a very low-energy building. Our fabulous new Department of Ass-Kicking is going to have topless spring skiing at Holiday Valley."
"Well why didn't you lead with that?" asked Bruce. "Now I'm very interest…" Bruce looked over at Diana as he was speaking and saw her reaction. "…never mind."
"Damn right you're not," said Diana, looking very smug about getting him to back down. "So Barry, who wins?"
"I do like the idea of that last one," said Barry. "So I'm going with that one."
"Finally on the board," said Diana, claiming her point.
"Oh, come on," said Bruce. "You get offended if we make sexist comments like that, then you play a card like that?"
"She's a woman, she's allowed to," said Clark. "Okay Victor, let's finish this round off. What have you got for us?"
"I have an irrational fear of _," said Victor. "That's the card speaking, not me. Just so we're clear."
"Sure, sure," said Arthur. "I'm just disappointed I don't have a card that says 'fridge magnets'."
"Everyone remember to play the most embarrassing card you have," said Bruce, selecting his answer.
"Well, you're not winning this one either," said Victor.
"Eh, it'll be worth it," said Bruce, as the others played their cards.
"Well, let's get this over with," said Victor, drawing the first card. "I have an irrational fear of headstrong women."
"Victor, you don't need to fear me," said Diana, looking mock offended. "Arthur, on the other hand…"
"I'm not ashamed of who I am," said Arthur.
"You should be," said Victor. "Anyway, next up we have: I have an irrational fear of finding your soul mate."
"Aww, everyone deserves love," said Diana.
"And being part robot, you've probably got plenty of stamina for when you…" started Arthur, who had a very suggestive look in his eyes.
"Why the hell did I sit next to you?" asked Diana.
"Next," said Victor. "I have an irrational fear of making a friend. I'm really starting to see a theme here."
"Apparently some of us don't want you to be happy," said Clark.
"Let's see if the next one makes things better," said Victor, picking up the next card. "I have an irrational fear of an itchy nipple."
"Do…do you even have those now?" asked Barry. "I mean, with all the machinery and all everything, are they still…"
"Barry, please stop talking," said Bruce.
"Yeah, I think I will," said Barry. "Though I guess if you don't that explains why it's an irrational fear."
"Seriously Barry, shut up," said Clark.
"And now, with that out of the way," said Victor. "My last answer is: I have an irrational fear of a mean grandfather with a chocolate-covered dong."
"…what?" asked Arthur. "Is…is that a normal thing somewhere?"
"Oh God I hope not," said Bruce. "So Vic, what's it gonna be?"
"I feel like having an irrational fear of someone's chocolate dong is perfectly justified," said Victor. "Who had that?"
"That was the card I mentioned before the game started," said Diana, taking her second point.
"Well Bruce, looks like you're still scoreless," said Clark, grabbing his next black card.
"That's the plan," said Bruce. "Tail for the first couple of rounds, then make a roaring comeback. So Clark, what have you got for us?"
Author's note: Current scores stand at:
Arthur, Barry, Clark: 3
Diana: 2
Victor: 1
Bruce: 0