"Okay guys, my card needs two answers," said Clark. "So, put the one you want read first on the bottom, okay?"
"Got it," said Barry. "What's the question?"
"If you can't handle _, you'd better stay away from _," said Clark. "Go ahead guys, do your worst."
"I don't think I have any…" started Bruce, before doing a double take. "Actually…yes, this'll work nicely."
"Won't work better than mine," said Victor.
"Or mine," said Diana.
"Or mine," said Arthur.
"Wow, you guys are sounding like you might actually be a threat to me for once in this game," said Barry.
"Well, I'm excited for this," said Clark, as each of the team played their cards. "Okay, first up we have: If you can't handle the inability to form meaningful relationships, you'd better stay away from lying about your age by 10 years and thinking no one will notice."
"Oh please, you'd never know if I took ten years off my age," said Diana dismissively. "Or on, for that matter."
"One of the advantages of being older than Christmas, I assume," said Arthur, to which Diana just sighed.
"Next up, we have…" started Clark, picking up the next pile. "If you can't handle shitting all over the floor like a bad, bad girl, you'd better stay away from farting non-stop."
"What's the step beyond gross?" asked Victor.
"Do you even still have a sense of smell?" asked Arthur.
"I have a nose, don't I?" snapped Victor.
"He very clearly has that, Arthur," said Clark, picking up the next two cards. "If you can't handle an engorged penis, you'd better stay away from your father-in-law's erectile dysfunction pills."
"Damn, how hung is he?" asked Barry.
"Why do you want to know?" asked Arthur.
"Maybe he can handle an engorged penis?" suggested Bruce.
"I…am not going to comment on this," said Barry.
"Probably for the best," said Clark, the next two cards in his hand. "If you can't handle a burrito that's just sour cream, you'd better stay away from messing with Texas."
"What did you do to piss off the entire state of Texas?" asked Bruce.
"And why is the gun capital of the country's idea of revenge to just give you a really shitty burrito?" asked Arthur.
"Must have only done something that was really petty that was enough to annoy everyone," said Barry. "Like saying pineapple goes on pizza."
"Pretty sure that's grounds for being kicked off the team," said Victor.
"I never said I ate it like that," said Barry, at little too fast even for a speedster.
"Right…" said Clark. "Well, let's see what the last answer is." Clark picked up the last pair and read it to the group. "If you can't handle your significant other fucking a pilot the minute you deploy, you'd better stay away from getting detained by Iran while wearing white socks."
"Why would you wear white socks in the desert?" asked Diana. "Their colour wouldn't last ten minutes."
"Maybe they wanted brown socks?" suggested Bruce.
"Wouldn't it be cheaper to BUY brown socks?" asked Victor. "And before you say the army would send you to Iran for free, I'm pretty sure it would take less time to buy them too."
"And we've got our own desert you can brown them up in too," said Barry.
"As amusing as this all is," said Clark. "I need to pick a winner. Which…is gonna be difficult, all of these are actually decent. You're all winners in my eyes."
"Aww, thanks Clark," said Diana.
"But in a more accurate way, Texas giving out shitty burritos is the winner," said Clark.
"YEAH! Suck it losers," said Arthur, bragging as he claimed his fifth point.
"Clark, how could you," said Bruce disapprovingly as he picked up his question card. "Oh God, this card is an affront to the English language."
"Well, now you HAVE to read it," said Victor.
Bruce sighed as he read his card. "Errbody in the club _," he read, putting his head in his hands.
"That's just how rappers talk," said Barry. "Right Vic?"
"Why do you presume I listen to rap music?" asked Victor.
"Well, uh, because…" said Barry, who suddenly was very interested in his cards.
"Okay, everyone's played their cards?" asked Bruce, counting how many he had in front of him. "Good, the sooner I can get this travesty out of the way, the better." Bruce picked up the first one and read it for the group. "Errbody in the club a gosh darned cunt. Well, if they're talking like that, I'm half inclined to agree."
"Only half?" asked Clark.
"I mean, as annoying as the way they're speaking is, it's not actually illegal," said Bruce. "Hmm, I wonder if I can get that changed…"
"Bruce, that seems very sketchy," warned Barry.
"Hmm…yeah, I suppose," said Bruce, picking up the next card. "Errbody in the club wishing you were half as happy as your social media posts make you seem."
"Well, that's depressing," said Arthur.
"At least they're wishing you well," said Diana.
"Still depressing," said Bruce, picking up the next card. "Errbody in the club getting this party started!"
"Kinda the point of being in the club in the first place," said Barry.
"No partying until they learn to spell right," said Bruce, picking up the next card. "Errbody in the club having a bunch of kids by accident."
"Okay, one or maybe two I can understand," said Arthur. "But a BUNCH?! You don't just accidentally do that."
"These people can hardly spell, do you really think they know what a condom is?" asked Bruce.
"Still, you'd think they know to do something about that," said Arthur.
"You'd think so, but no," said Bruce, picking up the last card. "Okay, last bit of torture for me. Errbody in the club feeling bloaty and crampy."
"You probably think they deserve it for speaking that way," said Victor.
"Exactly," said Bruce. "But, for a winner, I pick gosh darned cunt."
"That would be me," said Diana, picking up her point. "I suppose it's my turn now?"
"Let's see how we pervert you this time," said Bruce, handing her the question card.
Diana closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking at her card. "Oh good, this one's not so bad," she said. "Bet I can give you _!"
"Everyone, make it as bad as possible," said Arthur.
"You'd think by now you'd learn Diana," said Bruce. "Don't say it's not so bad, we will make it much, much worse."
"Yeah, I know," sighed Diana, as the group played their cards. Once they were all in, she picked up the first one. "Bet I can give you a simultaneous nightmare and wet dream starring Sigourney Weaver!"
"Sigourney Weaver by herself, or are there Xenomorphs present?" asked Bruce. "Because that will greatly effect the nightmare factor for this."
"What if she's with the blue aliens from Avatar?" asked Barry.
"They're fine," said Bruce.
"She just seems to be Hollywood's go to person when it comes to sci-fi women," said Clark, pretending to pick up a phone. "'Hey Sigourney, we're making a movie with aliens in it. You're in, right?'"
"If they ever make a movie about you, do you think they'll get her to play someone in it?" asked Bruce.
"Pfft, like there'd ever be a movie about me," said Clark.
"If you're quite done objectifying Ripley," said Diana, picking up the next card. "Bet I can give you smelly seaweed!"
"I can do that too," said Arthur. "Hell, I can even show you where the best smelling seaweed is."
"Why would anyone want that?" asked Victor.
"So Atlantis doesn't have to smell it, duh," said Arthur. "I mean, if you want it for some reason, who am I to judge?"
"Especially since we have plenty of other reasons to judge you," said Diana, picking up her next card. "Bet I can give you herpes! Okay, who the fuck played that?" There was silence around the table. "I'm not mad, I just want to talk."
"We'd be more convinced about that if your hand wasn't on the hilt of your sword," said Barry, who immediately dodged said sword being flung across the table at him. "HEY, I didn't even play that."
"I figured, but it makes me feel a bit better," said Diana, as she picked up the next card. "Bet I can give you the pleasure of watching my boys wolf down my pot roast and scamper into the woods!"
"Was this before or after getting herpes?" asked Arthur, whom Diana promptly punched in the nose.
"And here I was thinking he was starting to learn not to be gross," said Bruce.
"At least he's willing to be my punching bag," said Diana, picking up the last card. "Bet I can give you pussy!"
"Again, is this before or after you got…" started Arthur, before getting punched by Diana yet again.
"Jeez, you'd think he'd learn the first time," said Barry, watching Arthur rub his nose. "Anyway, who's it gonna be Diana?"
"I kinda like the Sigourney Weaver one," said Diana. "I think I'll go with that."
"Thank you," said Clark, claiming another point. "Victor, Bruce, you guys may want to pick up the pace."
"I'm waiting for the right moment to strike," said Bruce.
"It's actually because you're not getting good cards, isn't it?" asked Victor.
"…shut up," said Bruce. "Arthur, what have you got for us?"
"Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to _," said Arthur. "Hoo boy, this one's gonna get racist quick."
"Not necessarily," said Barry. "I mean, it probably will, but it might not."
"Oh, please Barry, it addresses white men by name. By definition, it's already racist," said Bruce.
"Wait, you can be racist against white people?" asked Arthur.
"It's in the name," said Bruce. "Racism is saying/doing something to someone because of their race. There's no specification about the need for that person to be black, or Asian, or native American, or any other race for that matter."
"Huh," said Arthur. "I suppose that's true, but no-one's gonna listen to the whites if they're racially discriminated against. Which in itself, is racist."
"They had it coming," said Diana.
"Our ANCESTORS are the ones that had it coming," said Bruce. "Most white people these days are fine."
"And those that aren't fine?" asked Diana.
"They also have it coming," said Bruce.
"As fascinating as this conversation is," said Arthur. "Should I start reading your answers now?"
"Go ahead," said Bruce.
"Okay, here we go," said Arthur, picking up the first card. "Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to Vietnamese prison camps."
"Straight to the extra crispy racism, I see," said Clark.
"To be fair, America started it, so that was our fault," said Bruce.
"And you couldn't even finish it," mocked Arthur, picking up the next card. "Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to fake Green Cards being sold at the border."
"Wait, is this implying the Mexicans are the Bushmen?" asked Victor.
"I mean, there's a bit of bush, but it's not really the first thing you think of when you think of bushy countries," said Bruce.
"I really hope you're talking about plants," said Barry.
"Aww, the kid's being traumatised," said Arthur condescendingly, picking up the next card on the pile. "Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to overcompensation."
"They realised all they were missing was excessive wealth, fancy cars, and needing to look tough?" asked Clark.
"Hey, I fit that description," said Bruce.
"I know," said Clark smugly.
"I wonder if I still have some kryptonite lying around here," said Bruce.
"Okay then, what do we have next…" started Arthur, picking up the next card. "Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to crying racism when you don't get your way."
"I'm sure they regret that now," said Victor.
"Only when they're calling out legitimate racism," said Bruce. "Other times, however…not so much."
"Define 'other times'," said Victor.
"…next answer," said Bruce.
"Last answer," said Arthur, picking up the card. "Life for the Bushmen was changed when the white man introduced them to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez."
"Yeah, that seems like something she'd do," said Clark.
"I suppose I need to pick a winner out of these," said Arthur. "Hmm…I think I'll go with…crying racism. Who had that?"
"That would be me," said Diana, claiming another point. "Barry, you're up."
"Okay guys," said Barry, taking his question card. "Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in _."
"The price has been falling?" asked Clark. "Since when?"
"I think we just have to pretend it's falling," said Bruce.
"Okay, everyone ready?" asked Barry, as all the cards were played. "Here goes: Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in paying off your wedding debt until 2095."
"I suppose, since they're saving money on petroleum, might as well invest in something else," said Bruce.
"That seems a bit long for someone's wedding debt," said Clark. "College debt, on the other hand…"
"Why do your colleges charge so much?" asked Diana.
"Because money," said Victor. "That's basically it."
"I wish I could say it's more complex than that," said Bruce. "But that's basically it. And they can't honestly expect anyone to pay all of it back. Ever."
"Then why encourage anyone to go to college?" asked Diana.
"I refer you to Victor's earlier answer," said Arthur. "Okay Barry, what else have you got for us?"
"Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in couples therapy," said Barry.
"Well, if you're paying off your wedding debt until 2095, you probably want to make sure it'll last for the next 74 years," said Bruce.
"I'd be a bit more concerned with why so many are having so many relationship issues," said Victor.
"Maybe they're fighting about whether they should be snitching on people terminating pregnancies," suggested Clark.
"That comment's not gonna piss anyone off," muttered Barry, picking up the next card. "Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in the vagina hole. Why just the hole though?"
"Is there more to it than just a hole?" asked Arthur.
"You're not big into biology, are you Arthur?" asked Bruce.
"I know what I need to know," said Arthur. "Granted, most of my knowledge is fish related, but still…"
"I really hope it's just for better use of your powers," said Barry, picking up another card. "Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in totally ineffective political satire."
"You mean like Clark's stab at the Texas abortion law?" asked Bruce.
"I thought I made a good point," said Clark.
"Good point, maybe," said Arthur. "Funny, no."
"And finally," said Barry, reading the last card. "Due to falling petroleum prices, Houston families have begun to invest in backwards knees."
"…why?" asked Diana. "What's wrong with regular knees?"
"I'm sure there's some benefit to it," said Bruce. "For the life of me, I can't think of it, but I'm sure there is."
"As for my winner," said Barry, looking over his options. "Hmm…I'm going with couples therapy."
"And I take the lead," said Clark. "Victor, finish the round for us."
"Foreign Policy? You mean _," read Victor. "Hooray, more politics."
"You should be more enthusiastic about it," said Bruce. "Like, WOOHOO, we get to talk about that thing that everyone has an opinion on but in reality, they don't properly understand much of it."
"Including you?" asked Diana.
"No, I understand it perfectly," said Bruce.
"Probably to the same extent as Trump," said Clark.
"Hey, I'd make a great president," said Bruce.
"Can you make America great again?" asked Barry.
"…Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Bruce.
"We argue about how bad of a president Bruce would be later," said Victor. "For now, I have some cards to read." Victor drew the first card and read it for the group. "Foreign Policy? You mean resting rich face."
"Speaking of Bruce…" said Clark, looking at the man.
"What can I say? Even the cards think I should be president," said Bruce.
"Even though you shouldn't," said Victor, grabbing the next card. "Foreign Policy? You mean egging an MP."
"Egging them on to create better foreign policy, or just hitting them with an egg?" asked Barry.
"How about just hitting them with an egg of they don't create better foreign policy?" asked Arthur.
"That works for me," said Victor, grabbing another card. "Foreign Policy? You mean baby Hitler's micropenis."
"Or even adult Hitler," said Bruce. "I doubt someone who felt the need to genocide an entire race would have had a reasonably sized penis."
"Is this really an appropriate topic of conversation?" asked Clark.
"Who am I offending? The Nazis?" asked Bruce.
"…good point," said Clark.
"Next answer," said Victor. "Foreign Policy? You mean asking your best friend to hold your cock at the urinal so you can keep watching funny cat videos."
There was a minute of confused silence in response to that answer. "That's…quite the bromance, if you're willing to do that for someone," said Clark.
"I have no idea what it's got to do with foreign policy though," said Arthur.
"Should I move on? I think I should move on," said Victor, grabbing the last card. "Foreign Policy? You mean no 'law and order' building the wall."
"Isn't that what the wall is supposed to enforce?" asked Bruce. "You know, keeping the supposed Mexican druglords and rapists out of America, or whatever bullshit Don was babbling about?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure not even Trumpster Fire knew what he was talking about," said Victor. "Anyway, who had resting rich face?"
"I'm slowly making progress in this game," said Bruce, claiming his second point. "Okay Clark, you're up."
Author's note: The scores are now:
Clark: 6
Arthur, Barry, and Diana: 5
Bruce: 2
Victor: 1