"Are you guys ready?" asked Clark, picking up his card. "Fantasising about _ to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"Oh God," said Bruce, hand in his hands. "I've sat through so many of those that could have just been an email."
"And let me guess: ten minutes later they send you an email summarising the while meeting in two sentences?" asked Barry.
"Exactly," said Bruce. "It's like they don't think the CEO of the company has better things to do with his time."
"But do you really?" asked Arthur, getting the finger from Bruce.
"Okay, time to see what you degenerates are fantasising about at work," said Clark, picking up the first card. "Fantasising about peen rub to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"That's reasonable," said Arthur. "I mean honestly, who here hasn't thought about that at work?"
"I think I can honestly say I haven't," said Diana.
"Really? Not even with Steve?" asked Arthur, earning himself another punch to the face. "Okay, that I might have deserved."
"Might?" asked Diana.
"Next up," said Clark, reading the next card. "Fantasising about being a total Miranda to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"Can't say I know what that means," said Victor.
"Same here," said Barry.
"I'm that show's target audience, and I don't know what it means," said Diana.
"You wouldn't think a show aimed exclusively at three-thousand-year-old women would run for six seasons," said Bruce.
"Yeah, we're not a huge demographic," said Diana. "I'm probably the only one that has any understanding of technology."
"Well, I'm going to assume that one was a 'I want to get rid of the card' play, and wasn't played to win," said Clark, grabbing his next answer. "So now we have: Fantasising about role playing with moist towelettes to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"Whatever floats your boat, I guess," said Arthur. "Wouldn't think they'd do much for anyone, but I guess there's a kink for everything these days."
"Which isn't necessarily a good thing," said Bruce.
"Never said it was," said Arthur.
"And on that disturbing note, here's the next answer," said Clark. "Fantasising about pearl necklace to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"Well, what woman wouldn't want some nice jewellery?" asked Diana.
"That's…not quite what that means," said Bruce.
"What do you mean? What else could it mean?" asked Diana.
"Let's just say, you don't want to know," said Bruce.
"And on yet another disturbing note, here's the last answer," said Clark, grabbing the last card. "Fantasising about 3 positive pregnancy tests and still not convinced to help you get through another pointless work meeting."
"That would probably be more of a distraction than anything," said Bruce. "Especially if it's a guy getting those results."
"To be fair, you'd be probably thinking about that instead of work if it happened to you," said Clark. "Now, I need a winner. Hmm…you know what? The idea of someone not being convinced by three pregnancy tests is kinda funny. Who had that?"
"That would be me," said Arthur, getting another point. "Bruce, you're up."
"I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed _ at an early age," read Bruce. "Well, I definitely ended up fighting something."
"I'm not so sure that vengeance is the main reason a lot of people join the military," said Victor.
"True, but I'm pretty sure justice is," said Bruce, as the last card was played. "Okay, what have you perverted this noble profession with?" Bruce picked up the first card and read it for the group. "I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed that unique smell soldiers emit after spending a week in the field at an early age."
"I thought this was supposed to be about being funny, not accurate," said Barry.
"Maybe Bruce will find it funny?" suggested Diana.
"It is kind of amusing that someone had a card that fit so well here," said Bruce, at which point Diana gave Barry a smug look. "Let's see what else I got though." Bruce picked up the next card and read it out. "I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed a day at the spa at an early age."
"That's…the opposite of the last card," said Victor. "And the opposite of what the military would do."
"You don't know, maybe I find the sound of machine gun fire relaxing," said Bruce, picking up the next card. "I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed being a clever little girl at an early age."
"What are you, a velociraptor?" asked Barry.
"Why are you comparing women to dinosaurs?" asked Diana, hand on her sword.
"It's from a movie, I swear," said Barry, hands in the air.
"It better be," said Diana, relaxing a bit.
"Before Diana murders Barry, let's continue the game," said Bruce, picking up his next answer. "I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed swiftly achieving orgasm at an early age."
"Knowing your history, that just sounds like you had a disturbing coping mechanism," said Victor.
"It was especially useful knowing how to lock the bathroom door," said Bruce, picking up the last card, then noticing the disgusted looks of the rest of the group. "Oh, like none of you have done it before."
"We also don't talk about it publicly," said Clark.
"Wimps," muttered Bruce, as he read the last answer card. "I always knew I would end up in the military because I enjoyed a cry for help at an early age."
"Please tell me Alfred wasn't helping you when you…" started Barry.
"Please don't finish that sentence," said Arthur.
"And with that thought in mind, I'm never going to achieve it swiftly again," said Bruce. "As for a winner…I'm gonna go with soldier smell, it amuses me that someone had that for this question."
"Thank you," said Diana, collecting her point and her question card. "Oh boy, controversy. As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to _."
"That's not gonna piss anyone off," said Barry, picking his card.
"Nope, not a single person," said Arthur, finally drawing his card.
"Who wants to see how offensive this is gonna get?" asked Diana, reading the first card. "As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to my eyes."
"Well, that wasn't what I was expecting," said Clark. "I was expecting something mean, instead we get…"
"Maybe Diana's planning to conquer America and eliminate science?" suggested Arthur. "She's tough enough to do it."
"As tempting as that offer is, I think I'll decline," said Diana, grabbing another card. "As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to a lemon-stealing whore."
"I knew Biden was bad news," said Bruce.
"What if it was Kamala?" asked Arthur.
"Then it was on Biden's orders," said Bruce.
"I don't think he has the energy to either steal lemons or be a whore," said Diana, picking up the next card. "As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to an atheist going to Garden of the Gods."
"Since you probably know where that is, do you know whether they would let an atheist in?" asked Bruce.
"Anyone is welcome in the Garden of the Gods, if you can reach it," said Diana. "That said, I would probably die trying to get there, so it almost certainly would kill a normal person trying to get there."
"Challenge accepted," said Bruce.
"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Diana, picking up the next card. "As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to the world's tallest midget."
"Is Biden really that short?" asked Arthur. "I always got the impression he was actually quite tall."
"He is," said Bruce. "Why are we assuming we're pledging allegiance to the president? Isn't it supposed to be to the flag?"
"As if the average American's smart enough to know the difference," said Barry. "Some of them even believe the constitution was signed by a bald eagle."
"Sadly, I don't even doubt that," said Diana, picking up and reading the last card. "As a show of loyalty to America, every foreign visitor must burn a science book and pledge allegiance to falsies."
"Why would someone pledge allegiance to fake news?" asked Barry. "Doesn't that go against what people want from news?"
"Umm, Barry?" said Clark. "I think they mean falsies as in fake boobs."
"Oh…" said Barry. "Well, in that case, absolutely pledge allegiance to them."
"Charming Barry," said Diana, a hard note in her voice. "My winner is the atheist in the Garden, because in order to get there you have to do some pretty impressive stuff."
"I don't care about the justification, I just care that I'm coming back," said Bruce, claiming his point. "Arthur, what have you got for us?"
"The title of my rejected TED talk was _," said Arthur. "You know what? If I like it enough, I'll make a TED talk of it."
"Probably not mine then," said Diana. "Mine's just a description of you."
"Whatever it is, I…probably deserve it," admitted Arthur. "But I can still decide you don't win this round."
"Eh, I'm tied for first right now, I can afford to throw a round," said Diana, as the other cards were played.
"Okay, let's begin," said Arthur, grabbing the first card. "The title of my rejected TED talk was 'Cheating with the 16-Year-Old Babysitter'. Okay, what the fuck?"
"I swear, that one wasn't mine," said Diana. "Trust me, mine is way more specifically about you."
"It better be," said Arthur. "Because I can't say I care much for the implications of this answer."
"Yeah, you don't even have kids that need babysitting," said Barry.
"That was the least of my concerns about the answer," said Arthur. "But anyway, moving on: The title of my rejected TED talk was 'A Sort of Badger-Haired Old Merman'. Okay, now I believe you Diana."
"See? Told you it was descriptive," said Diana.
"Except that Arthur's hair is more of a dirty blond," said Bruce.
"And aren't merman supposed to have a fishtail?" asked Clark.
"Stop ruining my joke," pouted Diana.
"Don't worry Diana, I thought it was funny," said Arthur. "It's not gonna win, but it was funny." Arthur picked up the next card and read it for the group. "The title of my rejected TED talk was 'Proposing To Your Sidechick Accidentally'."
"Why was your sidechick around when you proposed?" asked Victor.
"Why do you even have a sidechick?" asked Clark.
"Why are you guys acting like having a sidechick is okay?" asked Diana.
"Why don't I save them the trouble of needing to answer by reading the next card?" asked Arthur, grabbing the card. "The title of my rejected TED talk was 'Kneeling To Receive Communion Making Everyone Else Feel Inferior'."
"Why would you bother?" asked Barry. "I mean, you're just creating more work for the priest."
"And now he feels inferior," said Arthur, reading the last card. "The title of my rejected TED talk was 'Sending Yourself Flowers'."
"That just sounds depressing," said Clark. "Who hurt you like that?"
"Oh, you know, having your mother leave to be exiled from an underwater kingdom you're apparently heir to does things to your psyche," said Arthur. "But anyway, who had proposing to your sidechick?"
"I told you I'd start to make a comeback," said Bruce, claiming his next point. "Barry, you're up."
"Parenthood gets real when you experience _," said Barry. "Which will be really interesting, considering none of us are parents."
"Well, this should be pretty telling as to which of us are ready for it then," said Bruce, playing his card.
"With what's been said tonight, I'd say none of us," said Clark.
"Let's see how it goes then," said Barry, reading the first card. "Parenthood gets real when you experience watching a woman cry while secretly laughing inside."
"Luckily she'll make you suffer for that later," said Diana.
"I still get to be happy before that though," said Arthur.
"Still kind of a dick move," said Barry, reading the next card. "Parenthood gets real when you experience golden showers."
"I guess that's not wrong," said Clark. "I wouldn't phrase it like that, but it's not completely wrong."
"It is wrong in other ways though," said Bruce.
"Yeah, let's move away from that," said Barry, grabbing the next card. "Parenthood gets real when you experience a reality tv host saying 'you are NOT the father.' Wow…just…wow."
"Oof, that one hits hard," said Victor.
"I'm willing to forfeit to that one," said Arthur.
"These last two have some tough competition, I can tell you that," said Barry. "Parenthood gets real when you experience open up! Here comes the choo-choo train!"
"Get that wholesome shit out of here, I want to be offended," said Arthur.
"Yeah, that answer sucks," said Barry, picking up the last answer. "Okay, last chance to beat the reality TV show host: Parenthood gets real when you experience expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor."
"Again, not wrong," said Clark. "But is it funny enough to beat Maury Povich?"
"Hell no, who had Povich?" asked Barry.
"Thank you," said Clark, taking the point. "Okay Victor, finish the round for us."
"It's another one where you play two cards," said Victor. "So, bottom card is what you want read first."
"Alright, go ahead," said Bruce.
"Interrogators are now using _ and _ as their new go-to torture methods," said Victor.
"Aww, I don't have cards that say 'cat battery' and 'nipples'," said Arthur.
"And I don't have cards that say 'whiny merman' and 'Cardi B', but you don't see me complaining," said Bruce.
"Screw you," said Arthur, flipping him off.
"If you guys are quite finished," said Victor, picking up the first pile of cards. "Interrogators are now using getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick and salt in the sugar shakers as their new go-to torture methods."
"Hmm, one of those sounds like it would be far less problematic than the other," said Arthur.
"Yeah, what kind of monster puts salt in the sugar shakers?" asked Bruce.
"That's not what I…" started Arthur, but was cut off by Victor reading out the next answer cards.
"Interrogators are now using a temper tantrum and the hose as their new go-to torture methods," read Victor.
"Is 'a temper tantrum' a brand of lotion that didn't get put in the basket?" asked Barry. "Because that would explain why they get the hose again."
"I assume the person who played that just didn't have a lotion-based card," said Bruce, who seemed to be checking his cards as though to make sure.
"What have you got for me next?" asked Victor, picking up the next pair of cards. "Interrogators are now using 380 grams of heroin and a gush of scalding vapour as their new go-to torture methods."
"Which order are we getting those in?" asked Arthur. "Because the heroin first might mean you won't feel the vapour."
"Would you even feel vapour?" asked Clark.
"Probably not, but having the heroin first would be nice," said Arthur.
"Why do we hang around you?" asked Diana.
"Because he's good at defending Earth, and that's worth overlooking the other stuff," said Bruce.
"Next answer," said Victor, ignoring Arthur about to protest. "Interrogators are now using being shagged in the fart box by the ghost of George Michael and a hangover as their new go-to torture methods."
"Wow, having sex with George Michael gets you drunk?" asked Diana. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Were you even around in the 80s?" asked Bruce.
"Of course I was," said Diana. "There was the rock that granted wishes, and…you know what? Never mind."
"And finally, we have…" started Victor. "Interrogators are now using a full-on panic attack and a bulging vein in your asshole as their new go-to torture methods."
"Is that panic attack because of the bulging vein?" asked Clark.
"I would think being tortured would be enough to trigger it," said Barry. "So Vic, who wins this one?"
"I'm somewhat horrified by the implications of getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap," said Victor. "So I'm going with that."
"Now I have a commanding lead," said Clark, claiming his point. "Guess I'm up."
Author's note: The scores are now:
Clark: 8
Arthur and Diana: 6
Barry: 5
Bruce: 4
Victor: 1