"Alright, my questions is…" started Clark, picking up his card, reading it, and shaking his head. "Really?"
"Gotta read it, buddy," said Arthur.
"Because if you don't, I will," said Bruce.
"This is only going to end badly for me," said Clark. "Oh well, here goes: I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like _."
"Aww, you're not that much of an eyesore," said Diana.
"Thank you, Diana," said Clark.
"She said not much of an eyesore," said Bruce. "You still are a little bit."
"I'm going to have to re-evaluate my 'no kill policy'," muttered Clark, as the others played their cards. "Okay, first up we have: I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a free weekend in RotoVegas."
"What's RotoVegas?" asked Barry. "Is it, like, from a game or a movie or something? Never heard of it."
"It's in a town in New Zealand called Rotorua," said Victor. "It's referred to as the Vegas of New Zealand because it's got a lot of motels and neon lights, but that's about where the similarities end."
"So, no rampant gambling everywhere you look?" asked Bruce. "BOO! What a complete rip-off."
"Aww, poor Bruce, doesn't get to piss away his money," said Arthur.
"You realise that it would take a while for me to piss away my money," said Bruce. "Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that couch over there has a hundred dollars in loose change between the couch cushions."
"Nah, it was only $98.37," said Barry. "Don't ask me how I know that."
"I think he has a good idea how you know," said Clark. "I'm also pretty sure he isn't going to miss it."
"Money can have less than three digits in it?" asked Bruce.
"That's what I thought," said Clark, picking up the next card. "I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the BNP."
"Well, they are politicians," said Victor. "I'm pretty sure it's in their job description to fuck the people they represent."
"Hey, not all politicians are bad," said Bruce. "Granted, I can't think of any particularly good ones, but still…"
"Politicians may disagree with you on that," said Clark. "But only for those in their own party. Everyone else is scum. Anyway, next answer: I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the French."
"They don't call it the language of love for nothing," said Bruce.
"Too bad they're so rude about it," said Diana.
"Well, if they stopped pretending frogs and snails are food, maybe they'd be in a better mood," said Clark. "Next we have: I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a Canadian proctologist."
"I'd be very afraid going to a doctor who thought that was how to treat a person," said Barry.
"On the other hand, he knows everything about buttholes, so he'd know how to please a partner," said Arthur.
"Are you saying you'd be interested?" asked Victor.
"Just saying, a proctologist would know their shit," said Arthur. "Literally."
"And on that disgusting note, here's the last answer," said Clark, picking up the card. "I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the incoming alarm causing a thousand assholes to simultaneously pucker."
"The exact opposite of the last card," said Diana.
"Yeah, that's not what you want asshole to be doing before you…" started Bruce.
"Anyway, who had the French?" interrupted Clark.
"That would be me," said Barry, claiming his point.
"My turn," said Bruce, grabbing his card. "What's the biggest threat facing America?"
Victor had just grabbed his new card, read it, and his eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head. "Holy shit," he said, immediately playing his newest card.
"That good is it?" asked Bruce.
"It's probably the most awful card that'll get played this round," said Victor. "I just can't believe I'm the one who got it."
"We'll see about that," said Arthur, playing his own card.
"I wonder how obvious Victor's card is going to be," said Barry.
"Well, we're about to find out," said Bruce, picking up his first answer card. "The first threat to America we have is: Social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion."
"I don't think flamethrowers work that way," said Clark.
"What if they only burn non-compassionate people?" asked Diana.
"What if they miss and hit a compassionate person?" asked Clark.
"Clearly the compassionate person will be fine," said Arthur. "That's how flamethrowers of compassion work."
"Last I checked, fire didn't discriminate," said Bruce, picking up another card. "Speaking of threats to people, suicidal thoughts are a threat to America."
"Would have thought they'd be a threat to anyone with depression, American or otherwise," said Clark.
"You've definitely got a lot of people who are suicidally dangerous here," said Diana. "Maybe if you did something about your gun laws…"
"Yeah, yeah, I know…" said Clark with a sigh.
"You know what else we find threatening here?" asked Clark, picking up the next card. "Fully ripe grapes."
"Well, yeah," said Barry. "Have you seen our way of life? Fruit would destroy our obesity numbers in a heartbeat."
"What if they crush those grapes into wine?" asked Arthur.
"Either eating healthy or alcoholism will destroy America. There is no in between," said Bruce, shaking his head. "Okay, the next threat is…a woman."
"I feel like men have done a helluva lot more to fuck up this country than women," said Diana.
"Maybe it's you not stopping us doing the stupid thing that's the reason we're fucking up?" suggested Arthur, getting punched for that comment.
"Should have seen that coming Arthur," said Bruce, picking up the final card. "And now, the final threat to America is…" Bruce read it, and immediately cringed away, caught between a laugh and a gasp. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Read it," said Barry.
Bruce sighed heavily. "I'm just going to declare this one the winner, just so that Victor can punch whoever played it," he said. "But anyway: a gigantic coal-black negro-savage is a threat to America."
"It's okay, I played that," said Victor, taking the point. "Finally got a second point."
"You've got a bit of catching up to do," said Bruce. "Diana, you're up."
"_. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice," said Diana.
"Does anyone have Arthur on their card?" asked Clark.
"That's be in instant win, wouldn't it?" asked Victor.
"I wouldn't even read the rest of the cards," admitted Diana.
"Well screw you guys too," said Arthur, as he played his card.
"Okay, all in?" asked Diana. "Let's start this off with…A hippie commune. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"To be fair, they probably don't mind the mess," said Bruce.
"They probably even have some kind of order where they can find everything they need," said Barry. "They wouldn't want to lose their weed in it."
"Should we be asking why Barry knows this?" asked Victor.
"As if weed even has an effect on his metabolism," said Bruce.
"Or any drug for that matter," said Diana, drawing the next card. "My neck, my back, my pussy, and my crack. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. Well, fuck you, whoever played this."
"My money's on Arthur. He seems like he'd be into a messy asscrack," said Clark.
"HA! Wrong," said Arthur. "I mean, I am into that, but I didn't play that card."
"Charming," said Diana, grabbing the next card. "Retrograde Ejaculation. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"Wait, doesn't that mean it's going back in?" asked Barry. "That seems…painful, at best."
"But the card's right, it is a mess," said Bruce.
"…speaking from experience, or…" started Arthur.
"Next answer," said Diana, cutting off that line of conversation. "Eating chocolate in the closet. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"That sounds more delicious than messy," said Barry.
"And you have clothes to wipe your mouth on," said Arthur.
"Care to change that answer Barry?" asked Victor.
"And finally," said Diana, reading the last card. "Downtown Port-o-Potty. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"Well, no shit," said Arthur. "Actually, it's a port-o-potty. Probably lots of shit."
"And none of it in the toilet itself," said Clark. "Somehow, it'll be on the ceiling."
"And on that unsettling note," said Diana. "Who had retrograde ejaculation?"
"That would be me," said Clark. "Arthur, you're up."
"Okay lady, gentlemen, and Victor," said Arthur, reading his card. "We have another twofer, so same rules as before. Parenthood: powered by _ and sustained by _."
"I thought we already established that none of us are fit to be parents," said Barry.
"We're not," said Bruce. "But apparently we know what powers and sustains it."
"Isn't that how most experts work?" asked Arthur. "They pretend to know everything about something they know nothing about?"
"That's…not inaccurate," said Bruce.
"Exactly," said Arthur, watching as the last pair of cards got placed in front of him. "Let's see what you have for me. Parenthood: powered by a dick move and sustained by let's play hide-and-seek."
"I can see that," said Bruce. "A dick helps make the baby, then to shut them up for a few hours, play hide and seek but just leave them hiding,"
"You don't need to leave them hiding a few hours, do you?" asked Diana.
"Why not?" asked Bruce. "Keep 'em out of my hair while I get some work done."
"As someone who shouldn't be a parent, please don't have kids," said Arthur, grabbing the next pair of cards. "Parenthood: powered by fighting over whether or not you're fighting and sustained by a sobering quantity of chili cheese fries."
"A child born because of make-up sex, and the parents are dealing with it by overeating?" asked Victor. "Sounds totally healthy."
"Surely they'd realise they're fighting while fighting over whether or not they're fighting and stop fighting?" suggested Diana.
"You'd think that, but no," said Arthur, grabbing the next two cards. "Parenthood: powered by whipping a disobedient slave and sustained by a bottle of fine wine."
"I take they were roleplaying to conceive the child?" asked Clark.
"Sounds like a fun night," said Bruce.
"Gods, you guys are disgusting," muttered Diana.
"Next up we have…" started Arthur, grabbing the next pair. "Parenthood: powered by calling my body a cathedral and sustained by a failed attempt to promote quinoa cultivation."
"Someone didn't pray hard enough, now their wheat is failing," said Diana.
"This seems like a very white person thing to do," said Victor. "Declaring they're a religious person even though they've never read the Bible, then stealing something from another country's culture."
"I get it, our ancestors were dicks," said Bruce. "The white men of the table apologise for what they did."
"Hey, my ancestors didn't do any of that," said Clark. "Mine were scientists on an alien world."
"And finally," said Arthur, cutting off the conversation before it got too heated. "Parenthood: powered by feeling it's necessary to express your political views on social media and sustained by resting bitch face."
"We really need to stop doing that," said Barry. "Everyone expressing their political views has basically caused two civil wars in the last two elections."
"Well, if people would just support…" started Bruce, as Clark covered his mouth.
"No, don't do that," said Clark. "You don't want to cause a civil war among superheroes, do you?"
"I suppose not," said Bruce. "I don't think anyone would want to see that."
"Anyway, I suppose I need to choose a winner," said Arthur. "Hmm…I'll go with the cathedral and quinoa one because it sounds like a typical white woman."
"I wouldn't call myself a typical white woman, but I'll take it," said Diana, claiming her point. "Okay Barry, have at it."
"I love the smell of _ in the morning," said Barry. "If anyone has napalm, you automatically lose because that's not original."
"Don't worry, I have something far more potent and horrifying to play," said Victor, placing his card.
"Oh God, that's a worrying thought," said Bruce.
"What? Something worse than napalm?" asked Clark.
"No," replied Bruce. "Victor catching up after all this time."
"Well, let's see how he does," said Barry as the last card was played. "I love the smell of wink wink, nudge nudge in the morning."
"Because it's proof of what you did?" asked Bruce.
"Be realistic Bruce, he's never had any," said Arthur.
"Screw you guys," said Barry.
"No thanks," said Arthur. "One, I don't swing that way, and two, it's funnier to mock you for being a virgin."
"…I really hate you," muttered Barry as he grabbed the next card. "I love the smell of sad pancakes in the morning."
"Hey, they're still pancakes," said Clark.
"And you're putting them out of their misery by eating them," said Arthur. "It's a win-win situation."
"But how did the pancakes get depressed in the first place?" asked Diana.
"Because they weren't smothered in enough maple syrup?" suggested Bruce.
"While you guys debate the mental state of pancakes," said Barry. "I'm gonna continue. The next answer is: I love the smell of Barbara Bush's bush... NOT located in the Rose Garden in the morning. Jesus Christ…"
"I ain't judging if you're into the smell of mothballs and denture cream," said Arthur. "But I think I really should."
"What does George think of all this?" asked Bruce.
"Senior or Junior?" asked Clark.
"Yes," said Bruce.
"I'm moving on before this gets any weirder," said Barry, grabbing the next card. "I love the smell of crack houses in the morning."
"You went from banging a former first lady to hanging out in a crack house," said Bruce. "Was that really an improvement?"
"Can't say it was," said Barry, reading the final card. "I love the smell of pee-pee juice in the morning. God damn it…"
"Certainly didn't go up for you after getting with Barb, did it?" asked Arthur. "So, what's it gonna be?"
"Well, sad pancakes is certainly the least problematic one for me," said Barry. "I think I'll go with that."
"Yoink," said Arthur, taking his point. "Okay Vic, what you got?"
"I always put bacon on my _ for breakfast," said Victor.
"Huh, didn't realise robots ate anything," said Arthur.
"I'm a cyborg, not a robot. Cyborgs still have a bit of humanity," said Victor.
"Whatever robot," said Arthur, looking through his cards. "Oof, this one sound painful." Arthur a card and played it, as the others did the same.
"I always put bacon on my obscene amount of butter for breakfast," said Victor. "That sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen."
"Doesn't sound like too bad of a way to go, though," said Bruce.
"If you say so," said Victor, reading the next card. "I always put bacon on my spray tans for breakfast."
"Why would you do that?" asked Clark. "That can't be healthy."
"It would explain why Trump's so fat," said Diana.
"Also, why would I even need a tan?" asked Victor. "I'm the darkest one here." Shaking his head, Victor grabbed the next answer. "I always put bacon on my onions & snags on the barbie for breakfast."
"The Australians aren't putting shrimp on it anymore?" asked Bruce.
"Apparently they actually call them prawns," said Barry.
"You're telling me Paul Hogan lied to us?" asked Bruce.
"Either way, that still sounds like a good breakfast," said Victor, grabbing the next card. "I always put bacon on my crab for breakfast."
"Classy," said Clark.
"Nah, I've tried it before," said Bruce. "The greasiness of the bacon ruined the whole thing. Sorry whoever played that, but you lose."
"Hey, that's my decision," said Victor as he grabbed the last card. "I always put bacon on my carpet burns for breakfast."
"OUCH!" said Barry. "Why would you put bacon on them? Just use a plate like everyone else."
"I take it this was Arthur's?" asked Victor.
"…maybe…" said Arthur.
"Well, that one doesn't win, in any case," said Victor, causing Arthur to flip him off. "I think I'll go with…crab, since I don't believe Bruce that it's that bad."
"I warned you," said Bruce with a shrug.
"And I'll take that," said Barry, taking the final point of the round.
Author's note: And the scores stand at…
Clark: 9
Arthur, Barry, Diana: 7
Bruce: 4
Victor: 2
So, it's looking likely that the next chapter will be the last (might not be, it depends how the questions/answers go. Might even have a surprise upset. Who knows?) Once this wraps up though, I'll need to pick a new project to write. Or rather, you will. If you head over to my profile, you'll see a poll with all my potential upcoming fics, with summaries of what they are as well. Feel free to decide what I should do next, and I'll make it happen. Until next time guys…