"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for _," said Clark, reading his next card. "Get to work you meddling kids."
"Who the hell are you calling a kid?" asked Diana, looking at her cards. "Wow, I have nothing good for this one." Eventually she settled on one, knowing full well she wouldn't win.
"Everyone ready to see what the Scooby gang now consists of?" asked Clark as the last card was played. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for hipsters."
"It's just because I slipped on their cruelty free almond butter," said Bruce.
"Sure Bruce, it's always the butter's fault," said Barry.
"Next up, we have…" started Clark, picking up the next card. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for Kim Jong-Il."
"I'm surprised he gave you long enough to say that," said Barry. "You know, before you got shot nineteen times at point blank range."
"I suppose in his homeland, he'd have convinced the people that he was the world's greatest detective," said Victor.
"Yep, and no-one would argue with him," said Arthur.
"I would," said Bruce.
"You'd die," said Arthur.
"I'd like to see him try," said Bruce.
"While Bruce is acting all suicidal, let's see the next answer," said Clark, drawing the next card. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for all the single ladies."
"His crime was not putting a ring on it," said Barry.
"I feel like putting a ring on every single lady would not be appreciated by every lady, single or otherwise," said Arthur. "Lesbians especially would have something to say about that."
"He'd have the world's largest harem," said Clark, picking up the next answer. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for Canadians (i.e. Ted Cruz)."
"The Zodiac Killer's Canadian?" asked Barry.
"Is that joke still going?" asked Bruce.
"Who said it was a joke?" asked Arthur. "Actually, I have no idea what you're talking about, but it sounds interesting."
"It's a discussion for later," said Clark, reading his final answer card. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for egghead economists."
"Those damn nerds," said Arthur.
"Call 'em nerds all you want, they still saved the day," said Bruce. "So Clark, who takes it?"
"You know, there's something weirdly funny about Kim Jong-Il in a Scooby Doo-esque situation," said Clark. "Who had that?"
"That would be me," said Arthur. "Now I'm poised to strike and take the win out from under you."
"Bring it on," said Clark. "Bruce, give us a question so I can win this game."
Bruce drew his card, and read it to himself. "Okay, this card needs three answers," said Bruce. "So, same rules as before, first card goes at the bottom, but first, you get an extra two cards each."
"Oh, fun," said Barry, taking another two cards. "Okay, what have you got for us?"
"Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: _, _, and, (most importantly) _," said Bruce. "I'm not going to bother asking you to go easy on me, I already know that you won't."
"And you wouldn't go easy on us if we had that card either," said Diana.
"True, but I wouldn't be obvious about it," said Bruce, watching as the cards were given to him.
Barry was looking through his cards, and was looking at three very intently. "Well, this paints an absolutely horrifying image," said Barry, piling them in front of Bruce.
"Trust me, it's nothing compared to mine," said Diana smugly.
"Confident, are we?" asked Clark, also smirking.
"Well, let's see how you guys did then," said Bruce, picking up the first pile of cards. "Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: fast food, warts, and, (most importantly) a bizarre love octagon."
"The more the merrier," said Arthur.
"Gods you're a pig," muttered Diana.
"Possibly not as much as the rest of you," said Bruce, reading the second pile of cards. "Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: a long, long snake, a muscular prince with a spectacular twat, and, (most importantly)…" Bruce paused before he read the final card. "God I hate whoever played this card: a 12-year-old."
"It could just mean you have a kid," said Barry.
"Or that at the age of twelve you're a muscular prince with…" started Arthur.
"I think we get the point," said Clark.
"Moving on from that unpleasantness," said Bruce. "Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: being banged from behind by a fat sweaty black dick, an earthquake that jiggles boobs just a little, and, (most importantly) feeling a sense of futility while shaving my pubes."
"That…was an adventure," said Arthur.
"Based on that first part, I'm wondering if that was Vic's hand," said Clark.
"It might have been," said Victor. "It also might not have been."
"I'll take that as a yes it was you," said Bruce, reading the next cards. "Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: hairy erect nipples, missionary, and, (most importantly) the best humblebrags."
"Which, in itself, is a humblebrag," said Barry.
"I think you missed the part where he was humblebragging about things no-one should be humblebragging about," said Clark.
"Maybe he's really proud of his hairy nipples?" suggested Arthur.
"Just…gross," said Diana, crossing her arms.
"Agreed," said Bruce, reading the last one. "Three bullet points from my OKCupid® profile: butt zits, roofies, and, (most importantly) popping a phat one down the long drop."
"I don't even know which one I find more disturbing," said Arthur. "What this person is implying a 'phat one' and 'the long drop' is, or the fact that the richest man in the country just said 'butt zits'."
"I'm sort of disturbed that you find roofies to be the least troubling part of that answer," said Barry.
"Well, they are pretty standard for this sort of game," said Arthur.
"Well anyway, who had the black dick, earthquake, pubes combo?" asked Bruce.
"That just sounds like the worst thing to order at a restaurant," said Arthur.
"That would be my hand," said Victor, claiming his point.
"I'm up," said Diana, looking at her card. "SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT."
"Is that the card, or so you just want to see our cards?" asked Arthur.
"It's the card," said Diana. "I had to yell it because it's all in caps."
"I didn't even know they had Rick and Morty cards in this game," said Barry, as he found a card to play. "Hey, after you read the cards, could you say whether you like them or not in the same voice?"
"I…guess?" said Diana, as the last card was played. She picked out one and read it out. "Someone has got another Asian tourist drowning at Piha Beach. Hmm…" Diana thought out the card for a few moments before speaking. "I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!"
Barry cracked up laughing at Diana's response. "Oh man, that was everything I hoped it'd be," he said, wiping away a tear.
"I take it that wasn't your card?" asked Clark.
"It wasn't," said Barry. "But even if it was, I'd be laughing."
"I'm not," muttered Victor quietly, as Diana read the next card.
"A new pair of shoes," she said. "Probably goes without saying, but I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!"
"Typical woman," said Arthur, earning himself a glare from Diana.
"The next person has…" started Diana, picking up the card. "The nuclear codes. Ooh, that's dangerous."
"But do you like what they've got?" asked Bruce.
"Well, as a warrior, I do like weapons, so… I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!" said Diana.
"It's starting to look like the Asian tourist was a throwaway card," said Bruce, who didn't notice Victor flipping him off.
"Someone else here has got…" said Diana, reading the card. "An armored Krogan war-clitoris. I have no idea what a Krogan is."
"They're from Mass Effect," said Barry. "Come on, don't tell me none of you guys have played Mass Effect?"
"You're the only nerd here Barry," said Arthur, causing Barry to look depressed.
"Well, this probably goes without saying since I don't know what it is, but I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!" said Diana, grabbing the last card. "My last offering is… my strapon, Mr. Bendy."
"Huh, I assumed you'd want them to be a bit more rigid," said Arthur.
"A little flexibility is always good," said Diana. "So, who had that one? Because I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!"
"You just want to make one of us admit to having a strapon, don't you?" asked Bruce.
"Exactly. Now, who had it?" asked Diana. She looked around the table, and saw Barry meekly putting his hand up. "Don't be shy Barry, having a strapon is nothing to be ashamed of."
"Yeah, it's my vicious mockery you should be concerned about," said Arthur, as Barry claimed his next point.
"Laugh it up, we're level, and you can't win the next point," said Barry.
"True," said Arthur. "But You won't win the point after that." Arthur drew his question card and read it to the group. "_ kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
Barry started going through his cards, frowning as he went through them a second time. "Crap, why don't I have anything good here?" He pulled one out, sighed, and played it. "Better than nothing."
"Oh goodie, advantage me," said Arthur as the last card got played. "Okay, first answer: a lifetime of sadness kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
"Wow, our depression stats are a lot lower than I thought," said Bruce.
"I think that's just the ones who've been depressed their whole lives, not the ones who develop it through other means," said Victor.
"Depression's depression, Victor," said Arthur, pulling out the next card. "Office ping-pong against the Asian kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
"They do take that stuff pretty seriously," admitted Clark.
"They have an image to maintain," said Bruce.
"Yeah, even Clark would struggle against one of them," said Arthur, drawing the next card. "Our Chinese overlords kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
"Wow, racist AND grammatically incorrect," said Victor. "Factually though, probably not as far off as we'd like."
"They don't want you to know that though," said Arthur, reading the next card. "Vanishing twin/foetal reabsorption kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
"Oh, dear Gods…" said Diana, head in her hands. "That's nothing short of a disturbing image."
"Wait, since when do foetuses count as full-on citizens?" asked Barry. "I mean, I know Texas wants to charge people for trying to get an abortion, even when it's justified, but the unborn are still the unborn right?"
"Maybe they have been born and then one of them gets reabsorbed into one the other?" suggested Bruce.
"And just like that, you've made the image even more disturbing," said Diana.
"Oh, like you didn't expect something to make something fucked up even more fucked up," said Arthur, reading the last card. "A greased-up Matthew McConaughey kills about 450 people in the United States a year."
"Well, forget the Joker then," said Bruce. "Apparently I have to keep an eye on when Matthew McConaughey starts buying up extra grease."
"Be careful, he's probably a slippery bastard," said Arthur, looking over the answers he got. "Anyway, who's playing ping-pong? That's my winner."
"Thank you," said Bruce, claiming his point. "Barry, you're up."
"Am I the only one to admit that I hate _?" read Barry. "If anyone has Arthur on their card, they win."
"Including me?" asked Arthur.
"…I mean, if you have it…" said Barry.
"Hmm…nah, I don't," said Arthur, playing a card. "Still, if there was…"
"It'd be a card about how useless of a power talking to fish is," said Bruce.
"Hey, you wanna say that near a body of water?" asked Arthur.
"Hmm…I think I'll pass," said Bruce.
"If we're all done," said Barry, reading the first card. "Am I the only one to admit that I hate gay conversion therapy?"
"To clarify," said Victor. "Therapy to convert someone TO being gay, or FROM being gay? Big difference there."
"Both are pretty unethical though," said Bruce.
"And both are at least a little bit disturbing," said Barry, drawing the next card. "Am I the only one to admit that I hate being popular and good at sports?"
"That sounds like the opposite of a problem," said Arthur. "You're just a loser."
"Well, that's not very nice," said Clark.
"No, he's got a point," said Bruce. "Plus, it's only Barry, so who cares?"
"I really hate you guys," muttered Barry, grabbing the next card. "Am I the only one to admit that I hate having no friends?"
"Pretty sure most people don't like that," said Victor. "Except you apparently, since you hate being popular."
"Poor Barry's just the butt of all our jokes today, isn't he?" asked Diana.
"As I said earlier, it's only Barry," said Bruce.
"You guys all suck," moped Barry, reading the next card. "Am I the only one to admit that I hate homoerotic undertones?"
"What are you really trying to say Barry?" asked Victor.
"It wasn't me, it was whoever played the card," said Barry quickly.
"Sure, it's always the cards' fault," said Diana.
"Well, I might as well finish this, since I'm gonna get my ass kicked anyway," said Barry. "Am I the only one to admit that I hate dying of old age?"
"Huh, that was a relatively normal one by comparison," said Clark.
"What, you want a weird death?" asked Bruce.
"Already had that," said Clark. "Then you guys decided you wanted me to come back."
"To be fair, we kinda needed you," said Victor.
"So, who had being popular?" asked Barry. "Since I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be where I am if I was popular."
"I had that," said Diana. "But Barry, are you sure you prefer this over being popular?"
"Well, this way I have superpowers," said Barry. "So, that's a massive tick in favour of not being popular."
"While Barry brags about not being cool," said Victor. "How about I give you the next question." Victor picked up the black card and read it to the group. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat _."
"I wonder how many of these are going to end in cannibalism?" asked Arthur.
"Does yours?" asked Bruce.
"…maybe," said Arthur, putting his card down.
"Well, let's see what Marie thinks the peasants should eat," said Victor, picking up the first card. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat a Mexican child trapped inside of a burrito."
"There's the cannibalism," said Clark. "I hope you're happy Arthur."
"Hey, I didn't necessarily cause that," said Arthur. "I mean, I might have, but I also might not have."
"And on that note, the next answer is…" said Victor, grabbing another card. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat a bushel of pubes."
"Still eating people, I see," said Arthur. "Or at least, part of them."
"Yeah, the worst part," said Bruce, getting a strange look from the others. "Oh, come on, you can't tell me you want to eat that."
"Agreed, I can't say that I do," said Victor, grabbing another card. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat a white van full of puppies and candy."
"Maybe not the van itself," said Barry.
"And the puppies?" asked Diana.
"…Yeah, maybe not them either," said Barry.
"MAYBE?!" asked Diana.
"Before Diana kills Barry, let's see what else you guys answered with," said Victor. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat yeast."
"If they have the yeast, why not finish making the bread?" asked Arthur.
"They're 18th century peasants, do you really think they're smart enough to do that?" asked Bruce.
"When it comes to actually making the food, yes," said Clark.
"And now, to finish this off," said Victor. "When told that the people had no bread to eat, Marie Antoinette is said to have suggested: Let them eat the glue that unifies the force."
"Does she think peasants are kindergarteners?" asked Diana.
"Well, she did think cake was less expensive than bread, so…probably," said Bruce.
"Well, anyway, who had yeast?" asked Victor. "I just like the fact someone had that for this occasion."
"Hey Clark?" said Diana.
"Yeah?" asked Clark.
"It's on," said Diana, gaining what could be her penultimate point.
Author's note: Huh, guess I lied about this being the last round. Oh well, see you next time. Current scores are:
Clark and Diana: 9
Arthur and Barry: 8
Bruce: 5
Victor: 3