"Let's get this round started," said Clark, picking up the next question card. "The _ must flow."
"These were randomly chosen, right?" asked Barry. "Because that movie only just came out."
"The book's been out for well over fifty years Barry, it's not exactly a new reference," said Bruce.
"But…the movie…" started Barry.
"Quiet, nerd," said Arthur, playing a card.
"Okay, if you're all ready," said Clark, grabbing the first answer. "The junk in the trunk must flow."
"Pretty sure that's called diarrhoea," said Arthur.
"Charming as always, Arthur," muttered Diana.
"Moving right along from that," said Clark, grabbing the next card. "The PCCs and PCIs must flow."
"Sorry," said Bruce. "It's only one I had that made grammatical sense."
"Well, I guess Bruce loses this round," said Clark, reading the next card. "The quiche must flow."
"That sounds awesome," said Barry. "Where is it flowing?"
"I'd tell you it was far away, but that wouldn't matter to you," said Victor. "You'd be back before Clark finished reading the next card."
"Challenge accepted," said Barry. "Clark, read the next answer, I'm going to get you something from Egypt."
"Okay," said Clark, grabbing the next card. As he began reading it to the group, Barry vanished in a blur of red. "The hot sauce must flow."
"I'm back," said Barry, getting back into the room just as Clark finished reading the card. True to his word, everyone was now wearing tacky looking hats in the shape of a pyramid that appeared to have come from a giftshop. "What did I miss?"
"Apparently hot sauce must flow too," said Victor.
"I see…" said Barry. "Do the quiche and hot sauce flows meet anywhere, or…"
"Stop thinking about food Barry," said Clark, picking up the last card. "The leggings must flow."
"I'm guessing this is a similar situation to Bruce's," said Arthur. "Where whoever it was had nothing else that would work. If I had to guess."
"Was it your card Arthur?" asked Clark.
"I can neither confirm nor deny that," said Arthur.
"So it is then," said Clark. "It wasn't going to win anyway, and the same goes for the PCC one." Clark looked at his remaining options carefully. "Hot sauce makes the most sense, but did Diana play that one?"
"Choose it as the winner and find out," said Diana smugly.
"Hmm…" said Clark, trying to decide if she was bluffing or not. "Okay, my decision is…junk in the trunk wins."
"Damn it," muttered Diana.
"And now it's a three-way tie," said Barry, claiming the point.
"And all three of you have a chance to take the win right now," said Bruce, drawing his question card. "Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows _."
"He's a Buddhist, it's probably the secret of happiness or something," said Arthur.
"How much do you know about Buddhism?" asked Bruce.
"Not a thing, why?" asked Arthur.
"That's what I thought," muttered Bruce, as the last of the cards were played. "Okay, here we go: Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows random, pretentious references to Greek mythology."
"I wonder if he knows the fucked up parts as well?" asked Diana.
"Mythology can't be that fucked up if Disney makes movies about it," said Arthur.
"You mean like the part where Zeus rapes a woman as a swan?" asked Victor.
"Wait, WHAT?!" snapped Arthur.
"Seriously, most of Greek mythology can be summarised as 'Zeus, don't put your dick in that. WHAT DID WE JUST SAY?!'," said Bruce, picking up the next card. "Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows sex once a month."
"I feel like he'd be happier if he were getting it more than that," said Arthur.
"Ah, but then it would get boring," said Diana. "If it's limited, then it makes it better."
"Will you two just get a room already?" said Clark.
"Screw you Clark," said Arthur.
"Weird, the way you two are bickering, I thought you were screwing Diana," said Clark.
"Arthur, how could you cheat on me like that?" asked Diana.
"I…uh…what?" asked Arthur, at a loss for words for the first time that night.
"While they try to figure out who's screwing who, how about I read the next card?" suggested Bruce. "Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows being passively-aggressive on social media."
"Are you kidding? He couldn't do aggressive if he tried," said Victor.
"He's probably also too old to know what social media is," said Clark.
"Eh, he's probably got someone to do that for him," said Arthur.
"Should a religious leader really be spending funds on something like a social media manager?" asked Diana.
"It's not that much different from a PR manager, from what I've seen," said Bruce. "Take it from the guy who has several for the different branches of Wayne Enterprises."
"You wouldn't happen to have a job opening for social media manager, would you?" asked Barry.
"I'll keep you posted," said Bruce, drawing the next card. "Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows Rocket Lab's next payload."
"Does he know what's in it?" asked Diana. "Is it something good?"
"Or does he know it's something bad, and already has his hiding spot ready?" asked Clark.
"Why are we trying to make the Dalai Lama look like a bad guy?" asked Bruce. "I mean, if we have to fight him, I'm pretty sure we'd win, but still…"
"What do you mean, 'pretty sure'?" asked Arthur. "He's an old man, and a pretty skinny one at that. We could totally take him."
"Now we're talking about beating up the Dalai Lama," said Clark. "This game really does corrupt people."
"Let's hope the last card will end that discussion," said Bruce, reading the last card. "Why is the Dalai Lama always smiling? Because he knows this groovy new thing called LSD."
"Certainly not an improvement," said Clark. "Now he's tripping on acid."
"Not gonna lie, if he actually did that, I'd become a Buddhist in a heartbeat," said Arthur.
"Of course you would," said Bruce. "By the way, who has LSD?"
"You mean the card, right?" asked Barry.
"Clark, Di, Barry, is there room in that three-way for a fourth?" asked Arthur.
"Son of a bitch," said Barry.
"I know," said Diana. "Now I have to avoid picking three of you cards if I want to win."
"Oh, poor you," said Arthur, claiming his point. "Read your question so I can ruin that for you."
Diana sighed, then picked up her question card. "What is the short version of why I'm not allowed to go back to Australia?"
"How did you get yourself banned from a penal colony?" asked Barry.
"Hey now, that was hundreds of years ago," said Victor. "I'm sure the Australians are very nice and respectable people. Except for that one loser in Melbourne. He knows what he did."
"Uh…huh…" said Diana, somewhat confused by that remark as the others played their cards. "Well, let's see why I can't go to the land Down Under." Diana drew the first card and read it for the group. "Apparently I started another apostolate."
"Yeah, that worked out for the first guy with apostles," said Bruce.
"Well, I'm 90% sure the Judas of this group will be Arthur, so I think I'm prepared for this," said Diana.
"Hey, you can't prove that…yet…" said Arthur.
"Anyway, one of the other reasons I got kicked out of Australia is…" started Diana, picking up a card. "An accidental orgy."
"Sure, 'accidental'," said Barry, making quotation marks with his fingers.
"Hey, they can happen accidentally," said Arthur. "I end up in them all the time."
"You know we don't believe you, right?" asked Victor.
"Doesn't make it less true," said Arthur smugly.
"Because it can't get less true than outright lie," said Bruce. Arthur responded by flipping him off.
"Well, the next reason I got kicked out of Australia is…" started Diana, drawing her next card. "Having dyslexia and writing a list to Satan."
"Do you think Satan gets some kids letters and decides 'you know what? Little Timmy took the time to write to me, he can have his new bike'?" asked Barry.
"At the cost of his soul though?" asked Bruce.
"You underestimate how much little Timmy wants that bike," said Arthur.
"Next up…" said Diana, picking up the next card. "Apparently I was leaking milk during sex. Really guys?"
"Don't look at us, you're the one who did it," said Clark.
"You owe your partner new bedsheets by the way," said Barry. "That smell doesn't come out easily."
"You guys are disgusting," muttered Diana, reading the last card. "Okay, final reason: I was going to the bathroom just to wipe."
"Why weren't you wiping before then?" asked Arthur.
"I have my reasons," said Diana. "Just like I have my reasons for picking the accidental orgy as my winner."
"And I'm keeping this game alive," said Bruce, claiming another point. "Though if one of you want to win now just so Arthur doesn't, that'd be great too."
"Oh, I hope I pick yours or Vic's card for this," said Arthur, looking at his question card. "I will make you fishers of _."
"Of all the people to get that question…" said Clark, looking for a good answer for it.
"What do you mean? The question's a biblical reference," said Bruce, playing his card. "And if there's one thing we've learned about Arthur today, it's that he's as far from holy as humanly possible."
"Didn't we just establish that I'm the Judas of the group?" asked Arthur.
"Yes, and the man betrayed that literal son of God," said Barry. "Not exactly a nice guy if you ask me."
"Son of God, or so his mother says," muttered Arthur, as the last card was played. "Anyway, here's what you're making fishers out of." Arthur drew the first card and read it to the group. "I will make you fishers of jelly bean shits."
"Please tell me they didn't just gain sentience like the M&Ms in the commercials," said Victor.
"I dunno, I wouldn't mind seeing J. K. Simmons voicing a jelly bean," said Barry.
"By the way, has anyone noticed how the Yellow M&M sounds suspiciously like Commissioner Gordon?" asked Bruce.
"I think that's just you buddy," said Arthur, drawing the next card. "I will make you fishers of Steven Joyce's dildo."
"Who is Steven Joyce?" asked Diana.
"I have no idea," said Bruce. "But his dildo is going to be fished."
"And so you don't have to imagine that too vividly, let's pick another card," said Arthur, grabbing the next card. "I will make you fishers of prank calling."
"A throwaway? At this point of the game?" asked Barry.
"Well, if they didn't have anything better to play…" said Victor.
"So that was your card?" asked Bruce.
"What? No, it wasn't my…" started Victor.
"Thank you for taking the blame for it," said Bruce.
"Oh, it's your card," said Arthur.
"I will neither confirm, nor deny that," said Bruce.
"Filing that information for later," said Arthur. "Next up, we have… I will make you fishers of Pete's glorious penis."
"Two penis answers in a row?" asked Diana. "This is what happens when five of the players are men, only thinking with their dicks."
"To be fair though, have you seen Pete's penis?" asked Clark.
"I dunno, I think he's overstating its gloriousness," said Bruce.
"Yeah, he clearly hasn't seen mine," said Arthur.
"Yeah, but you haven't seen yours either, so…" said Victor, earning himself a glare from Arthur.
"And the worst part is, I can't make a dick joke back at you, because you're black," said Arthur, picking up the last card. "I will make you fishers of Kevin's mom."
"Knowing you, Kevin's about to have a new dad," said Clark.
"Hey, there's a reason these little guys are called swimmers," said Arthur, indicating his dick. "Anyway, I should pick a winner, shouldn't I?"
"You should," said Clark. "And it should be me."
"No, me," said Diana.
"Or me," said Barry.
"Or me, so you still have a chance of winning the game," said Bruce.
"Listen, unless any of you had Kevin's mom, you're all losers," said Arthur.
"Thank you," said Victor, claiming his point.
"I swear to God, if Victor and Bruce make a comeback at this point…" started Arthur.
"Trust me, I'd be as surprised as you," said Bruce. "But for now, let's try and stop Barry from winning."
"Okay, my question is…" started Barry, reading his card. "Damn it, do I really have to read that?"
"You do now," said Arthur.
Barry sighed heavily. "Sure, I like humiliation, but _ is a hard limit," he said. "I already hate where this is going."
"You hate where this is going?" asked Arthur. "I'm trying to decide whether to say something to offend you, or to try and make you laugh."
"The eternal struggle," said Bruce, playing his card.
"Well, this isn't great, but it won't be the worst," said Victor, playing his card.
"Don't say that, that's what I thought about my card," said Bruce.
"This is sounding good, the game might be about to end," said Clark, adding his card to the pile.
"Well, we're about to find out," said Barry, grabbing the first card. "Sure, I like humiliation, but Pop Rock blow jobs is a hard limit."
"Well that doesn't sound so bad," said Arthur. "As long as you don't add diet coke to the mix."
"That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen," said Bruce.
"God, the images that come to mind with that…" said Barry, picking up the next card. "Sure, I like humiliation, but a moaning wizard with a sopping wet asshole is a hard limit."
"Hey Clark, wasn't there some kid who made you serve him lunch that was some kind of wizard?" asked Bruce.
"How the hell did you know about that?" demanded Bruce.
"You were in a school Clark, every single one of those kids has a cell phone and some form of social media," said Bruce.
"Okay, I'm going to have to know what Clark was doing in a school," said Barry. "But first…I like humiliation, but smoking salmon through a bong is a hard limit."
"That doesn't sound humiliating," said Arthur. "Hell, I'd try the weed fish."
"It's what you do under the influence of the weed fish that's humiliating," said Barry, drawing the next card. "I like humiliation, but wearing blues under your Klan robe is a hard limit."
"They'll never know unless it's raining," said Bruce.
"Speaking from experience?" asked Clark.
"He had better not be," said Victor, a hard edge in his voice.
"And…moving on before Bruce gets murdered," said Barry, grabbing the last card. "I like humiliation, but sexual humiliation is a hard limit."
"But other sorts of humiliation are okay?" asked Diana.
"Excellent, I'm giving him a wedgie," said Barry.
"If I told you that pop rock blow jobs wins, would you reconsider?" asked Barry.
"No, because that wasn't my card," said Arthur.
"But it was mine," said Diana. "I win."
"Wow, congratulations Diana," said Bruce, giving her a slow clap. "You're the most fucked up one of us."
"Well, to keep up with five men, you kind of have to be," said Diana.
"Damn it, I was so close too," said Arthur, holding Barry up by his underwear.
"This was an overall enjoyable evening Bruce," said Clark. "We should do something like this again sometime."
"Maybe with less wedgies?" suggested Barry, his voice a couple of octaves higher than normal.
"Indeed," said Victor. "Well, it's getting late, I suppose we should be heading off." The team began saying their goodbyes, and one by one left for their respective homes.
It was a few hours later when Alfred came to check on Bruce. "Master Wayne? How did your experiment go?" the butler inquired.
"A no result," said Bruce. "Apparently Clark's got enough of a sense of humour that the most offensive game in the world isn't what's going to send him into a world-ending murderous rage."
"Did you honestly think it would?" asked Alfred.
"Honestly, not really," said Bruce. "But I want to explore my options so I can prevent the things I've been seeing in my nightmares."
"A man like Clark wouldn't be set off by such a thing as a little game," said Alfred. "Try thinking of something more traumatic."
"That's what I'd like to avoid, for everyone's sake," muttered Bruce, as Alfred left the room.
Author's note: And…that's it. I'm done. This Cards Against Humanity fic is done. Thank you all so much for reading it. If you have any other suggestions for characters/fandoms I should do a CAH fic for, let me know so I can plan for them some time in the future. In the meantime, I'm gonna start getting to work on my next fanfic, I Don't Wanna Be an Anime Protagonist. Remember, if you want to choose my next fanfic, head on over to my FFN account and vote on the poll there. Well, until next time guys…