Harry: I swear professor, I'm okay. Just didn't sleep well last night.
Tofty: Completely understandable. After all, you had the Astronomy exam last night, and with all that excitement to distract you, I'm not surprised you had trouble sleeping. I'm going to have to talk with your Headmistress about that. You should go have a lie-down.
Harry: Thank you Professor *watches Tofty go back into the Great Hall, then starts sprinting upstairs* Gotta find McGonagall, gotta find McGonagall, gotta find…
*Hospital Wing*
Pomfrey: *feeding something to Montague* Potter! What are you doing here?
Harry: Where the hell's McGonagall?
Pomfrey: Language, young man. And Professor McGonagall's not here, she's been sent to St. Mungo's.
Harry: …why?
Pomfrey: Because her condition is more serious than I can take care of right now.
Harry: He's your only other patient. Surely a stunning spell victim isn't that much more work. Hell, you have twelve beds in this room.
Pomfrey: Do you have any idea how many Skiving Snackboxes those two sold before they left? I have to have beds ready the second Umbridge is teaching a class.
Harry: Wait, you know about those?
Pomfrey: I advised them on how to make them safe. What, you think they're stupid enough to try and make something like that by themselves?
Harry: …I mean, I guess that makes sense, but…
Pomfrey: Plus, I get paid by the patient, so I'm making bank this year.
Harry: That seems a little…
Pomfrey: By the way, you don't happen to know what happened to Montague, do you?
Harry: You know what? I've gotta go *leaves quickly*
*out in the hall*
Hermione: Harry, are you okay?
Ron: You had us worried.
Harry: Well, you know, when you see your godfather seemingly about to get raped, you tend to be a little concerned.
Ron: …what?
Hermione: Okay, we're gonna need a little more information than…
Harry: No time, what's the fastest way to London from here?
Ron: …what?
Hermione: Harry, you can't just go running off to London like tha…
Harry: Hermione, you don't understand, and will probably refuse to, but I just saw Sirius in the Ministry of Magic being attacked by Voldemort *thundercrack*, so…
Ron: Harry, I might not be the smartest person ever, but what you said is pretty dumb.
Harry: WHAT?!
Hermione: Ron's right, for once. Sirius and Voldemort *thundercrack* are the two most wanted wizards on the planet. How the hell would they get into the Ministry of Magic? Especially at this time of day, while there still hundreds of workers in there?
Harry: Hermione, when have my dreams ever been wrong? I mean, I was right when Ron's dad got attacked…
Hermione: That was a freakish coincidence.
Harry: …and I'm sure I'm right about Sirius being in trouble. Now, let's g…
Hermione: No.
Harry: What do you mean, no?
Hermione: Harry, London is over 500 miles away. Whatever's happening to Sirius right now will have already happened by the time you get there, so…
Harry: Don't care, I'm going.
Ron: What if you just check if he's home?
Harry: Why would I do…
Hermione: Harry, Sirius is not at the Ministry of Magic. There is no fucking way he could get in there without some kind of alarm being raised. So, if you're going to insist that that's true, you should check if he's home, to prove how stupid you're being.
Harry: What, you think I should break into Umbridge's office again and…
Ginny: *appearing out of a cloud of darkness* I'll help.
Luna: So will I.
Harry: When the fuck did you get here?
Luna: I've been here the whole time. You just weren't paying attention.
Ron: And how did you know to be here?
Ginny: I sensed that chaos was needed, so I went to where it was happening.
Harry: Well, the chaos part might already be taken care of.
Hermione: Really?
*meanwhile, in the choir room*
Peeves: Okay kids, let's take it from the top *Peeves starts waving his baton, and the kids start playing Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, complete with cannon fire*
*back with the group*
Hermione: What the fuck is happening?
Harry: Look, after the shit Umbridge did to McGonagall, I had a word with Peeves, and asked him if I got him some cannons could he do something about Umbridge. I was hoping he'd just fire her out of one, but whatever he's doing right now sounds like just as much fun.
Ron: Great, I'll go tell Umbridge that Peeves is smashing up the Transfiguration Department *immediately runs out of the room*
Hermione: But…we have an Umbridge distraction…
Harry: What did you expect? He's an idiot. Come on, let's go.
*outside Umbridge's office*
Ginny: Okay, me and Luna will keep people out of the hallway, and warn you if we see Umbridge coming.
Harry: How do you intend to do that?
Ginny: Watch and learn *Ginny goes to one end of the hallway, Luna to the other* Sorry, this hallway is closed.
Student 1: Why though?
Ginny: *flames shooting up before her* Because I said so.
Student 2: Come on man, this way's closed.
*at the other end of the hallway*
Luna: Sorry, this way is closed.
Student 3: Why?
Luna: Because Ginny said so.
Student 4: Guess we're going around then.
Harry: Sometimes it's good to have a superdemon on your side.
*in Umbridge's office*
Harry: So, why are you breaking into Umbridge's office with me?
Hermione: I told you, to drag you out of the fire if she gets past those two so we can hide.
Harry: I'm pretty sure if she's managed to get past Ginny, it's already too late for us, but whatever *grabs some Floo Powder and throws it in the fire* Number 12, Grimmauld Place *Harry sticks his head into the fire*
*at Grimmauld Place*
Harry: Sirius? Are you here?
?: The master is unavailable.
Harry: Who said that? *Kreacher comes out of a dark corner* Oh, it's you. Hey, is Sirius around anywhere?
Kreacher: The master is unavailable.
Harry: Did he go out? Where is he Kreacher?
Kreacher: The master is…
Harry: Damn it Kreacher, tell me where is… *Harry gets dragged back to his side of the fire. Seconds later, a toilet flushes, and Sirius walks into the room*
Sirius: Hey, did I just hear Harry's voice?
Kreacher: I told him you were unavailable.
Sirius: …why do I get the feeling that's only half the story?
*back in Umbridge's office*
Harry: Hermione, did you have to pull me back so viol… *sees who's holding him* Oh…hi Dolly, how's it going?
Umbridge: What the fuck are you doing in my office?
Harry: The better question is: how the fuck did you get past Ginny?
Ginny: *wheezing on the floor* She…used…*coughs up blood* holy…magic…
Harry: Holy shit, you're not fucking around today, are you?
Umbridge: Well, considering the reason I knew something was up was when your friend Ron tried to convince me that Peeves was trashing the Transfiguration department, you could say I'm a little bit ticked off.
Ron: Sorry Harry, how was I supposed to know that would happen?
Harry: By not being an idiot, that's how.
Draco: *bursting into the room, dragging Neville with him* We caught this one too.
Umbridge: Was he also involved?
Draco: No, but I felt like making him suffer your wrath too.
Neville: What the fuck is even going on right now?
Umbridge: Excellent work, Malfoy. Ten points to Slytherin.
Harry: You're not even trying to hide your bias now, are you?
Umbridge: Quiet Potter. First you're going to tell me who you were talking to, then you're expelled from Hogwarts.
Harry: So, if I don't tell you who I was talking to, I can't be expelled?
Umbridge: That's…stop using logic to make what I say sound stupid.
Harry: Oh, I don't need logic to do that.
Umbridge: Fuck it, someone get Professor Snape in here.
Snape: I'm already here. This one was wondering why she hadn't been detained.
Luna: I mean, you caught everyone else, so why not…
Umbridge: I literally don't care. Severus, get me more truth serum.
Snape: What happened to the last bottle I gave you?
Umbridge: I used it already, now go get it.
Snape: Wait…how many students did you use it on?
Umbridge: Just Potter, now enough with the stupid questions, get me the potion.
Snape: Sorry, I'm still confused. How many times did you use it on him?
Umbridge: Why are you like this today Severus? But if you must know, it was just the once. Now, where…
Snape: ONCE?!
Umbridge: Is there a problem Severus?
Snape: That bottle could have exposed enough political secrets to cripple every government on the planet twice, and you used the whole thing in Potter ONCE?! Do you have any idea how fucking wasteful you've been?
Umbridge: Not enough apparently. Now, get me…
Snape: No, fuck you, I'm out *turns to leave*
Harry: *thoughts* Wait a minute… *out loud* They have Padfoot at the place it's hidden.
Snape: *pausing* Potter, stop speaking nonsense *leaves*
Draco: Professor, do you think that whatever Potter just said might be some kind of code?
Umbridge: I do Draco, and the best way to deal with that is a Cruciatus Curse straight to testicles.
Harry: …this seems very illegal, and I want an adult.
Umbridge: I am an adult. CRUC…
Hermione: STOP! We'll tell you everything.
Ron: Hermione, you traitor.
Hermione: We'll tell you everything. About how we just finished Dumbledore's weapon for him, and were trying to find him to pass the news on.
Ron: Silly Hermione, Harry was talking to… *Harry knocks him out as subtly as possible*
Umbridge: A weapon, you say? To bring down Fudge, no doubt. Potter, Granger, show me this weapon *turning to Draco* If any of them try anything, kill them.
Harry: I hope you know what you're doing.
Hermione: So do I.
Harry: …we're screwed.