Harry: I really hope you know what you're doing.
Hermione: Of course I do. It's the only way to prevent us from being expelled.
Umbridge: Are you kidding? I'm already filling the paperwork out in my head. All you're doing now is preventing yourselves from going to Azkaban.
Harry: What about the others?
Umbridge: They're fucked. Especially that Longbottom kid.
Harry: Do you just hate kids or something?
Umbridge: Honestly, yes.
Hermione: Wow, you're just a complete Trunchball, aren't you?
Harry: No, that's my aunt Marge.
Umbridge: But specifically, I hate YOU *points at Harry*
Harry: Aww, I'm flattered.
Umbridge: I mean, why do you think I sent those dementors after you during the summer?
Harry: …what?
Umbridge: Everyone else was talking about how to shut you up about You-Know-Who returning, but I actually went and did something about it.
Harry: I said it minutes after it happened, Fudge turned the main witness into a vegetable, and I hardly spoke to anyone in the wizarding community after term ended.
Umbridge: But by implying he was back in the first place, you had to be gotten rid of, and who'd believe that dementors would invade a muggle suburb?
Harry: Wow…you are the pettiest bitch I've ever met.
Umbridge: I think you were missing an 'r' in that word.
Harry: I know what I said.
Umbridge: God you're a prick…by the way, where are we going Granger?
Hermione: *slightly louder than necessary* Just a bit further into the forest, Professor.
Harry: *recognising the path they're following as the one leading the Aragog's lair* Are you sure you know where you're going?
Hermione: *still talking loudly* Of course I know Harry. It's around here somewhere.
Harry: Well, I suppose after what happened to Aragog last time I was here, I shouldn't be too worried, but still… *an arrow zooms past his head* Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Umbridge: Is this your secret weapon? Bows and arrows? Because I can tell you right now, all we have to do is a quick disarming spell, and… *another arrow flies past her head, and suddenly a herd of centaurs becomes visible*
Harry: Well, this situation just got worse.
Umbridge: How dare you disgusting brutes fire arrows at a Ministry official. I'll have your species eradicated.
Harry: …for her, at least.
Bane: HUMANS! Why have you come here?
Umbridge: So, is this what you meant Granger? These foul creatures are the ones that will be used as a weapon to overthrow the Ministry?
Ronan: WHAT?!
Magorian: Did you just imply the humans would use our talents for their own benefits?
Ronan: Let's make an example out of them.
Umbridge: Silence, you. Monsters of near human intelligence must obey Ministry commands. Now, hold still while I bind you all so you can be brutally murdered. Incarcerous! *ropes shoot out of Umbridge's wand, binding Magorian*
Magorian: That's it, kill the bitch.
Bane: But sir, she hasn't actually killed anyone yet.
Magorian: *sigh* Fine, give her our second highest level of punishment.
Bane: *suddenly smiling wickedly* Yes sir.
Hermione: What's your second highest level of punishment?
Magorian: We run a train through her.
Hermione: But wouldn't running someone over with a train kill them anyway?
Harry: Hermione, that's not what that means. It means…
Magorian: FIFTY ROUNDS OF HORSE COCK!
Harry: …yeah, that…
Umbridge: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! Potter, Granger, do something.
Harry: What do you expect us to do exactly?
Umbridge: I don't know, but do it quick, and I might consider the possibility of maybe not expelling you.
Harry: Really? So, your employers chose to ostracize a fifteen-year-old kid who just witnessed a friend get murdered by the man who betrayed his parents. That same man then stabbed me, and used my blood to bring back the monster that tried to kill me as an infant, who also happens to be the most powerful dark wizard in existence. And after just barely escaping certain death and reporting the incident, a double agent who had made his way into the school tries to kill me, the SECOND attempt on my life THAT NIGHT! But Fudge chose to ignore all this because it would be too inconvenient for him if Voldemort *thundercrack* came back again right now, and destroyed the evidence of it. And you decided to support him by trying to get me killed or expelled with ACTUAL soul sucking monsters, you didn't care which. And then, for THE ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR, you decide to keep coming up with reasons why I should hate this place, including taking away Quidditch and Hogsmeade visits. And now, when you're in grave peril, you want me to help you, when me and Hermione don't even have our wands? Which you confiscated, by the way. What do you think my answer is going to be?
Umbridge: Okay, I'm sensing a little hostility from you Potter…
Harry: Give her hell, guys.
Magorian: You dare give us an order, child?
Harry: …uh oh…
Magorian: Fifty rounds of horse cock for them too.
Hermione: I'm only sixteen, that would be illeg…
Magorian: I'm missing the part where that's my problem.
Harry: Okay, but is that your problem?
Grawp: *stomping through the trees* Pretty horsey food *snatches a centaur up and takes a bite out of it*
Magorian: Son of a bitch. You two, stay there while we deal with this *leads centaurs into battle while others carry Umbridge off*
Hermione: We're gonna leave now, right?
Harry: No, we're going to wait like that guy said. OF COURSE WE'RE LEAVING!
*later*
Harry: Okay, so now the situation is: we're lost in the woods, which are dangerous at the best of times. It's nearly night time. We're still pretty close to Aragog the giant spider's home, so I wouldn't be surprised if his children came by soon. We have no wands. And Sirius is probably going to die soon, and we're the only ones who knows about it.
Hermione: Could be worse.
Harry: HOW THE FUCK COULD IT BE WORSE?! *Grawp charges past them, blood flowing from multiple arrow wounds, chased by the herd of centaurs*
Magorian: Hey, I told you two to stay where you were. You guys are getting extra horse cock when we get back *continues chasing Grawp*
Harry: And now we're drenched in giant's blood. This day is going swimmingly.
Ron: Hi guys.
Harry: …how?
Ginny: Because like my Saiyan ancestors, any time I come close to dying, I come back twice as strong as before.
Harry: That's the last thing I wanted to hear about your power level.
Neville: Does someone want to tell me what the fuck is going on?
Harry: Shut up Neville, we have to figure out how to save Sirius.
Neville: SIRIUS! As in Sirius Black? Why the fuck are you trying to save a serial killer? What have I missed?
Ron: He's not a serial killer, he's Harry's godfather.
Neville: That…explained nothing.
Luna: I know how we can get there.
Harry: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Luna: We can fly *the others stare at her in stunned silence for a minute*
Harry: Right…well, while we figure out a way to…Ron, stop chewing on my sleeve.
Ron: But Harry, I'm not chewing on your sleeve yet.
Harry: Then what… *sees a thestral trying to eat the blood on his sleeve* …oh.
Luna: Now you see, don't you?
Ron: I don't.
Hermione: Neither do I.
Ginny: I do… *realises what she's looking at* …not see anything. Would someone care to explain?
Luna: We're going to ride thestrals to London and save Sirius Black.
Neville: The fuck I am.
Harry: Oh, you are so coming. We need a meat shield.
Hermione: Harry, do you really think we can succeed?
Harry: Hermione, our team consists of the only person to survive the killing curse, his stalker, a witch who doesn't believe in magic, literally Satan, a butt-monkey, and a crazy chick. We couldn't have a better ragtag team of misfits if we tried. Now, onwards, to battle.
Ron: Okay *tries to get on a thestral, but because he doesn't know where any of them are, completely misses all of them*
Neville: …we're all gonna fucking die, aren't we?