Sorry the update is so late but here you go!
Alex gets to the end of the alley and stops dead in her tracks. She can feel her heart beating quickly and her chest constricting but she forces herself to turn back around.
She can't run away. She will not allow harm to come to someone she cares about again by doing nothing, This time she won't stay in the closet. She won't be a coward.
She sees Casey on the ground, the man kneeling over her with his knee pressed against her back. She can tell he's shouting.
Suddenly, anger overtakes fear. Something inside Alex snaps completely.
She runs back down the alley. Her heart is in her throat and she feels like she's going to throw up, but she doesn't stop. What she is going to do to stop him she has no idea; she just knows she has to do something.
"Hey!" Alex yells, so loud that is starles even herself. Her voice is full of strength and anger that she didn't even know she had inside of her.
He looks up, sneering when he sees Alex, and stands so he's off Casey. Casey scrambles to get up but he uses his foot to stop her and brandishes his gun again.
"Get your hands off my friend," Alex growls, locking eyes with him to convey just how serious she is. "Back the fuck up!"
He laughs at her, as if her orders are the most absurd thing he's ever heard. They probably are. "Trying to give me orders? What's your leverage?" He clicks the safety off his gun and the sound makes Alex stiffen. "One shot and I can severe her spinal cord. I don't think you should be giving orders."
Alex's eyes go to Casey. She is laying completely still, her face buried in her arms. "Alex…just go…"
"No," Alex says, shaking her head even though Casey can't see it. She raises her eyes again to the monster standing above the redhead. "What do you want? Why are you doing this?"
"Because I can. It's fun."
He says it flatly, like a fact. Like it's the most normal thing ever and Alex is stupid for not knowing.
Alex is disgusted. What has happened to the world to make this even remotely acceptable? She feels herself shake, and it has nothing to do with the cold.
A thought occurs to her – why is he alone? He had been traveling with a convey before. Where are they now? Laying in wait, watching them? Waiting for him to shoot them both, and then abduct them?
Alex won't let that happen.
Suddenly, he crouches back down. He barks at Casey to roll onto her back and when she doesn't, he hits her hard with the gun until she complies.
Alex takes the few seconds that he is occupied with Casey to scan her surroundings. She looks for anything she can use as a weapon, anything that would inflict damage or pain. She looks for anyone nearby who may be able to help.
But she sees nothing and no one.
What she sees next sends her over the top. She had been angry before; but now she's furious. As she watches the man try and force Casey's pants down, everything inside of her boils over.
It's like a switch was thrown and Alex is someone else completely. With strength she didn't even know she had, she rips the rusted cover off a nearby garbage can and swings it around.
She feels like Captain America wielding his Vibranium shield as it connects with the side of the man's head, making a satisfying crack and sending him sprawling sideways with a surprised yelp.
She had achieved surprise, which was what she had been going for.
It takes her a few seconds to recover, and she drops the can lid with a metallic clang.
Casey looks where the man is laying, shock written all over her face. She scrambles to her feet, wincing at the pain it causes her still healing wounds. She looks at Alex with a grateful nod before kicking his gun towards Alex.
He dropped it; Alex hadn't even noticed. She bends down and picks it up, her hands still shaking.
She can't comprehend what she was just able to do. It had been like someone else took over her body.
The man lets out a groan and Alex watches as he sits up, holding the side of his head. Alex can see blood. He looks around, confused, and his eyes widen when he sees that Alex now has his gun.
Alex helps Casey to her feet. She's holding her stomach, obviously in pain from being jolted around. She looks at her attacker, a satisfied look on her face when she sees the damage that Alex did. She finds herself smiling.
"Let's go," Casey says. "Leave his ass here."
Alex considers turning and following Casey back to Doc's house, just leaving him injured in the alley. It would serve him right. It would be satisfying.
But somehow not satisfying enough.
Alex closes her hand on the handle of the gun. The cold metal in her palm represents power, something she hasn't felt in a long time.
The loss lingers in Alex's heart and she thinks about how close she came to losing someone else.
He's trying to climb to his feet now, the strike to his head obviously taking a toll on him. He shakes his head a few times and tries to focus on Alex and Casey.
The hatred is still boiling inside of Alex. This man attacked Casey because it was "fun." Who knows what else he has done to other people?
She has an unexplainable urge to never let him get on his feet again.
"You're a piece of shit," Alex says. "And guess what? This is fun too." Without warning she lifts the gun, points it, and shoots him in the head.
He goes down like a ton of bricks, and Alex takes a few steps back from the unexpected recoil. The gun is hot in her hand, and she stares at if as she doesn't know what it is.
To say Casey is shocked is an understatement. Alex – who had not long again been terrified of guns – just expertly shot someone. She looks down at her attacker and has no doubts that he is dead. One look at his head causes her to look away quickly.
Alex is still holding the gun, and she looks at Casey in shock. "I…killed him." She starts to shake, and Casey literally watches all the color drain from her face.
"It's okay; you saved my life," Casey says quickly. "He would have killed me, and then you. You didn't have a choice. I'm proud of you." She very slowly and gently reaches for the gun. The way Alex's hand is shaking she is afraid the gun will go off again. "Can you hand me the gun? It's okay."
Alex hands it over without another word and without putting up a fight. Casey sighs in relief and takes Alex arm to help steady her. "Okay. We're going to go back to Doc's. We are both freezing." She winces again and holds her stomach with the hand that isn't holding onto Alex. "I think I may have torn my stitches. We have to get back, okay?"
Alex looks at her, her eyes wide and her face pale, and she nods.
Casey knows she's in shock, so she takes it slow on the walk back to the house. Not just for Alex, but for herself as well; she's in quite a bit of pain and knows she has to check herself out as soon as possible.
They have just reached the driveway when Alex speaks again. "I'm glad I killed him. I'm glad."
2.
Just a couple hours later, Olivia seeks out Alex and finds her packing her backpack in the room they have been sleeping in. Her back is to Olivia and she's standing in front of the dresser, carefully folding clothes and securing them into her backpack.
It makes Olivia's heart ache. It's a scene she would have been privy to daily, before the world was turned upside down.
"What are you up to?" Olivia asks softly, stepping into the room and making her presence known.
Alex jumps a bit, turning around to face her. She can't bare to look Olivia in the eyes anymore, so she continues to pack slowly. "Just packing up. Doc said Casey is well enough and we have to leave. They need the beds; a lot of sick and injured people are coming in." She keeps her eyes on the bag she's packing.
Olivia looks around the empty room. "Where is Casey?"
"Outside with the dog."
Olivia clears her throat and sits down on the bed. "I was hoping we could talk."
Alex stops packing, looking straight into the mirror on the dresser. Olivia can see her reflection, and her expression is one of uneasiness.
Alex nods, still not turning around to face Olivia. "So talk."
"I have to explain myself, Alex. You have to fully understand why I feel the way I do."
"I don't think I do. You were pretty clear that you're not in love with me anymore, and that you blame me for Noah's death. It's not difficult to understand."
"But I need you to know – "
Suddenly Alex turns around. She throws her backpack onto the other bed and glares at Olivia. "I don't care to hear it. I really don't. Every single day I thought about you. Every second my heart broke for you. And to think that you…" Alex struggles to get the next words out, taking a deep breath. "That you blamed me for our son being killed…it just broke my heart. You broke my heart. You saw us out there and you didn't even make yourself known; you just let me worry day after day. There is no excuse for it, and nothing you can say will make it better."
Olivia looks at the stark white sheet on the bed. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Don't say you're sorry. The words don't mean anything."
Alex goes back to packing her backpack, completely ignoring Olivia.
"I thought we should also talk about what happened in the alley. You shot and killed someone, Alex. I know deep down that has to bother you."
Alex shrugs. "I did what I had to do. And I don't have time to let it bother me."
"Did he hurt Casey?"
Alex turns back around. "What do you care? Really, Olivia? I said I took care of it."
Olivia stands back up and presents Alex something she had in her pocket. Alex glances at what she is holding and realizes they are the bus tickets.
"I want you and Casey to go. You will be safe. You will have some type of life. Constantly moving from place to place is no life."
Alex shakes her head. "I don't think Casey wants to go. We haven't even talked about it."
"Then go. Just you." Olivia reaches out and touches Alex's arm and immediately regrets it when Alex flinches. "I want you to be safe, and this is the safest place for you. At least right now."
Alex finally meets Olivia's eyes, and the sadness and hurt in her eyes hurts Olivia deeply. Because she knows she caused it.
"Me be safe while you're running around risking your life for strangers, and doing who knows what with Marcie?" Alex scoffs. "Seems about right."
"You know I have to do what I have to do," Olivia says, her voice sad.
Alex has tears in her eyes now, but she refuses to cry. She has become an expert at holding her feelings inside, no matter the cost to her.
"I just wanted to say goodbye, and I have, so we – we are going to leave."
Alex can hear the sadness in her voice and is certain if she looks up and meets her brown eyes, she will see tears. But she doesn't; she can't.
"Take care of yourself, and of Casey. Look out for each other. And I hope you use the tickets." There's a pause. And then, "Goodbye, Alex."
There it was; just as simple as that. Twenty years together thrown away as if it had meant nothing.
Alex waits until she can no longer hear Olivia walking down the hall, and then she allows herself to react. She bursts into tears, sitting down on the bed and covering her face with her hands and just letting herself cry.
It hurts so badly. Losing someone in this way is equal to losing someone to death. It hurts no less and is just as unfair.
Suddenly it's like she has no control over herself. She gets up off the bed and goes into the hallway. She looks in every room for Olivia, her heart pounding in her chest when she doesn't see her.
She goes outside and catches Olivia and Marcie halfway down the driveway.
"Olivia," Alex breathes out, the immense cold hitting her again like a ton of bricks. "Olivia."
Olivia and Marcie turn around at the same time, surprise written on both their faces. Olivia can immediately tell Alex has been crying and starts approaching her. "Alex, you don't have a coat, go back inside."
Alex shakes her head, unashamedly letting more tears fall. She's ashamed of herself for breaking down but yet cannot stop herself.
"You can't go. You can't leave me. I'm not okay, Olivia. I'm not. You can't go. Please."
Alex hates herself for begging. She's always been too proud to resort to such a thing. Always had too much respect for herself than to show this kind of weakness.
"Alex…don't make this hard."
She can see how much it's costing her wife to be leaving; can see it in her tired eyes and her defeated posture.
"You can't walk away from me." Alex closes the small space between them, taking both of Olivia's wrists. Olivia stiffens and looks down at her hands. "I have to still mean something to you, Liv. You can't do this. You can't. My heart can't take it."
Olivia continues to stare at Alex's hands on her wrists. For one moment Alex thinks she is relenting. She thinks her sobbing and her heartfelt words are getting to her.
But then Olivia shakes Alex's hands off her and takes a step back. She shakes her head and raises her eyes so she is looking directly into Alex's.
"I have to go, Alex. I don't love you anymore."
The fact that Olivia is able to look into Alex's eyes when she says those words finishes breaking Alex. She watches the two of them walk to the end of the driveway and turn onto the street, not even looking back.
Alex is left standing in the driveway freezing and with a broken heart.
She lets more tears fall as she turns to go back into the house but instead walks around to the backyard where she knows Casey is with the dog. It just seems like an instinct to seek her out right now.
She finds her standing in the yard in her puffy coat and hat, throwing a large stick for Diego.
Alex watches them for a few moments until she lets herself be known.
"Casey," Alex says, her voice breaking before her face does. "Casey, I really need help."
"Hmm?" Casey turns around, a look of confusion on her face. One look at Alex's red rimmed eyes and shaking form tells her something is wrong - very wrong. "What's wrong?"
"Olivia is gone," Alex whispers. "And I - I don't know what to do."
It's like everything Alex has been holding inside has been released. The dams overflow, and Alex bursts into tears again. Hard, body wracking sobs.
Casey is surprised. She had known Olivia was leaving but a part of her had hoped she would come to her senses. A part of her had hoped that deep down she loved her wife enough to not hurt her in this way.
"Shit," Casey says quickly, dropping the stick and focusing all her attention on her friend.
It feels like losing Noah all over again to Alex. But this time she's losing the woman that has been part of her life for twenty years, and it hurts in an indescribable way.
"I - I don't know what to do," Alex repeats, her entire body shaking.
Casey nods. "I know. But first we need to go inside where it's not so freezing. Let's go inside and talk, okay?"
Alex isn't even really aware of walking back inside the house but somehow she does, and once the door is closed to their room she slides down against the wall until she's sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest and struggling to catch her breath.
Casey quickly takes off her coat and hat and drops them on the bed. "Alex," Casey says gently, sitting down beside her. She tries not to wince as the position of being folded up hurts her newly adjusted stitches. "Hey, it's okay…"
Alex shakes her head, her hands covering her face. As comfortable as she is with Casey now, she is still embarrassed to be breaking down in such a way. "It's not. My wife doesn't love me. She just…she just left me, Casey."
It's been so long since Alex has experienced a full-fledged panic attack. She used to get them often years ago when she had been plucked from her life and dropped into witness protection. Even though it's been years, she remembers how it felt to be in the grips of one very well.
The familiar constricting in her chest holds her in its grips. She feels a panic wash through her whole body and suddenly can't catch her breath. She starts to shake again and feels nausea rising up inside of her.
The sensation coming back all this time is scary - very scary.
Casey knows her friend needs her help. Very slowly she takes Alex's hands away from her face, talking very slowly and gently while doing so. Alex is looking at her with teary eyes, her chest heaving up and down as she struggles to breathe.
"I need you focus for me, okay?" Casey says, holding onto both of Alex's hands gently. "Can you focus on where you are? Slow down your breathing. I want you to copy me, okay? In and out, slowly…"
Alex nods, closing her eyes against the new set of tears that has come without warning. She follows Casey's lead, trying to copy her slow, steady breathing.
Casey knows she won't get Alex to be completely calm but she's confident she can pull her out of this attack.
Alex's breathing does somewhat slow, and Casey nods in approval. She forces a smile at Alex. "Can you tell me where you are right now?"
Alex struggles, but she does manage to speak. "H-here with you."
Casey nods. "Right. You aren't alone. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
As if on cue, Diego jumps down from the bed where he had been watching and sits in front of Alex. He nudges her softly and places his head on her knee, staring at her with concerned brown dog eyes.
Casey smiles as she watches Alex stroke his fur. Dogs are therapeutic.
Casey is relieved to see that Alex is calming down. She rolls her head back and lets it rest against the wall, trying hard to suppress the tears that want to overtake her again.
"I killed Noah. I killed him and I drove my wife away and I'll never forgive myself. I hate myself. I wish I had died instead. I don't want this life and I don't want to be here anymore without my family."
Casey hates to hear her friend talk this way. Alex had always been so strong, so confident. Some may call her arrogant - Casey often had, before. They may not have been friends, but Casey had always respected her.
Seeing her this way - broken and giving up - it hurt Casey deep inside.
"I can understand why you feel that way," Casey says softly. She moves so she is sitting right next to Alex. "And I know I've told you this before, but you didn't kill Noah. You didn't kill him, Alex." She looks at Alex, who is still curled up in a ball. "I need you to look at me when I say these words to you."
Alex does, and her eyes are so sad that it almost breaks Casey. She feels her voice break, but she clears her throat and presses on. "You didn't kill Noah. You didn't drive Olivia away. And I'm glad you're not dead."
Alex has always been able to tell when someone is lying to her. It's what always made her a good prosecutor and a good lawyer.
And Casey was not lying to her.
"I'm so sorry," Alex says, burying her face in her arm to get rid of her tears. "I tried so hard to not be emotional. I thought I could do it. I thought I could just be cold and strong and not let it bother me. But, I hurt so bad right now." She rolls onto her back and covers her face with her hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed. I don't feel like myself anymore. I killed that man, Casey. And I was glad I did it. I never knew I had violence inside of me. I followed Olivia outside…I begged her to stay. Begged her. In front of Marcie. How could I do that? How could I be so weak?"
"Don't be sorry - you don't have anything to be sorry for," Casey says softly. "Or anything to be ashamed of either. You know you don't have to pretend with me."
She wipes her eyes again and takes a deep breath, trying to calm the storm inside of her.
"It's like I've had this hole in my heart since Noah died," Alex says, her voice full of emotion. "And I thought that Olivia would almost completely fill that hole. It would always be there with Noah gone but Olivia was supposed to make it better." She hesitates, her voice breaking as she continues. "Instead, she made it worse. It's so much worse now. It hurts so much more to know all this time she has blamed me. I can't deal with it. I can't get on that bus and leave and pretend everything is okay."
"You don't have to," Casey tells her.
It's getting darker in the room now and hard to see, but Alex looks where she sees Casey's eyes shining in the dark. She chooses her next words carefully. "Would you go without me?"
Casey doesn't even hesitate to say, "No."
Alex feels comforted by that. After months of doing nothing but losing people and having her heart broken, she feels comforted to know that at least someone is sticking by her.
"But why?" Alex asks, her emotions in check for the moment. "You could get far away, maybe have a normal life. Why wouldn't you?"
"Because you're my friend," Casey tells her. "And we need each other. I take that very seriously. If you don't want to go then we won't. We will figure something out."
Alex bursts into tears again. "I don't deserve you to be my friend. I was so, so awful to you before. I even told everyone I didn't want you hired back at the DA's office. I was a straight up bitch and I'm so fucking sorry. Because right now I don't know what I would do without you."
"It's okay. I forgive you. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. I learned that a long time ago. We just have to look forward."
As Alex lays her head in Casey's lap and continues to cry, Casey rests her head against the wall. She knows Alex deeply needs help, help that she can't provide. And she only hopes that what she is able to do is enough for now.
2.
There are at least thirty other people waiting at the bus stop, mostly families. It's a very, very cold day, and most everyone is huddled together in the bus shelter, talking amongst themselves nervously.
Alex and Casey had been hesitant to come. Alex hadn't been doing well since they left Doctor Robin's house. She had barely spoken and hadn't eaten anything that Casey had brought along for the walk to the bus station. She was still processing everything that had happened with Olivia, but her behavior worried Casey nonetheless.
They had a hard time deciding if they were going to go. Both were logical women, and they kicked around the idea that they may be walking into a trap and may be bussed directly to basically be trafficked. They agreed to go by their instincts and if something didn't seem right, they wouldn't get on the bus.
They had been relieved to see military personnel directing people when they arrived. Armed military personnel. Anyone who was armed was asked to unload their weapon and they formed orderly lines within the bus shelter.
They weren't told much, only that they would be taken directly to "the safe town" and would be given instructions at that time. They were told they would be fed on the bus.
Standing in line and freezing, Casey tried to make conversation with Alex. She still hasn't said much, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat and her collar pulled up as far as it would go. Casey had been trying to only talk about positive things since they left Doc's house.
"We're going to be fed," Casey says excitedly. "We don't have to scrounge for something."
Alex shrugs, averting her eyes to the family to their left. They have a young son and daughter, and Casey notices the sadness in Alex's eyes as she watches them.
They are the only ones with a dog. They hadn't discussed what they would do if they don't allow Diego on the bus, but somehow Casey knows that Alex would be just as upset.
"Are you nervous?" Casey asks, turning around to look at Alex. It's starting to spit freezing rain and it makes her feel chilled to the bone. "Because for some reason I am."
Alex meets her eyes and just nods.
A woman standing opposite of them in a very dirty coat and no hat smiles at them. "Hi. I'm Danielle."
Casey smiles. "I'm Casey. This is Alex."
Danielle looks at Casey and then at Alex, quickly getting the point that Alex isn't in a talking mood. She introduces Casey to her brother standing next to her. They chat for a few minutes, Alex barely listening but nodding every once in awhile to give the appearance that she's not completely rude.
After a short time they fall back into silence again, listening to people growing restless and chatting amongst themselves. It's raining harder now, and Alex pulls the collar of her coat up higher and nuzzles down into it to try and stay warm.
They don't have much longer to wait. About a half hour later a Greyhound bus pulls up.
Casey frowns. "They could fit so many more people on here. And where are they getting the gas for this?" Again Alex just shrugs in response. She doesn't feel much like talking.
The older of the military men shouts out instructions, telling everyone to form a single file line and stay with the people they came with. Anyone who does not have a ticket will not be allowed on the bus; no exceptions.
Alex and Casey are towards the back of the line, which is moving slowly. The military men stand on either side of the line, keeping everyone orderly and on track. Somehow Casey knows if anyone gave them problems they would be dealt with swiftly and harshly, and that makes her shudder.
Thankfully, there are no problems.
A woman officer stands at the door with a clipboard in her hand and smiles at Alex and Casey. They both give their tickets, and the woman asks their names and writes them down. She then looks down at the dog and pauses.
"He's our dog," Casey says. "Please. He isn't any problem."
She meets Casey's eyes and nods, gesturing for them to get on the bus. Casey sighs in relief as they climb up the steps into the bus, followed by Diego.
It's warm on the bus; very warm. Actual warmth, and it comes as a shock after being cold for so long.
Alex picks the seats towards the back away from everyone and Casey sits next to her without objection, Diego sitting in the aisle next to their seat.
It takes about a half hour more for everyone to get on and be organized. Casey and Alex have both taken off their coats, enjoying not freezing for the first time in a very long time. They drop their backpacks by their seats and sit anxiously.
Finally, the bus doors close and all the military members are on board. One starts to speak, asking that everyone remain orderly on the trip, which will be about three hours. He announces there is a working bathroom on the bus and if anyone needs to use it they must be escorted.
Alex wrinkles up her nose at that notion but says nothing.
A short time later they hand out paper bags to everyone on board. Some people actually start crying once they are opened.
It's actual food. Canned fruit, small bottles of apple juice, small bags of chips, and peanut butter crackers. A gourmet feast compared to what these people on the bus have been eating.
Casey is more than grateful. She starts eating without hesitation, tearing into the crackers as the bus pulls away from the depot.
She watches Alex not even open her bag. She knows she is hungry; she has to be. "Alex, you need to eat."
Alex shakes her head. "I'm not hungry. You can have mine." She puts her back on Casey's lap and leans her head against the window, silently saying yet another heartbreaking goodbye; this time to the city she loved.
Don't worry; we haven't seen the last of Olivia!
What do you think?