Northern Constellations

Summary: Explore a year in the life of Joshua Matthews and Maya Hart as they discover the wonders and woes of young parenthood.

Chapter Thirteen

Josh couldn't sleep. Sure, he was in college, and college kids didn't sleep much anyways, but he legitimately could not sleep. It all started with a little tossing and turning in the bed at night. Soon after, he began to wake up before dawn like clockwork. Usually he would shrug it off and take two benadryl with a glass of water—that always did the trick—but it was becoming a serious problem. For the past few weeks, he had been staying with his brother, and even though his brother's brownstone felt like a second home, it was still pretty awkward to be the only one awake at night, tiptoeing around the kitchen trying to find a midnight snack.

That's where he was right now, waiting in front of the microwave for some cheap macaroni and cheese cup to finish warming up, his eyes carefully watching the countdown to make sure that he pulls his food out before the timer reaches zero. Nights like these reminded him of the long, sleepless nights that he spent in his old dorm, constantly walking on eggshells to ensure that he wasn't bothering his roommate. He bothered his roommate anyways, but whenever he did, it was always warranted.

Pulling out his steaming cup out of the microwave, Josh sighed. It was three o'clock in the morning—the witching hour as indicated by his girlfriend during a particularly long horror movie marathon over a month ago—and here he was, mouth salivating over his nephew's school lunch. After he mixed together the rest of the ingredients, he ate in silence until being greeted by a familiar voice.

"You up early for school?" Cory Matthews asked, turning the corner. He was cozily dressed in a pair of blue flannel pajamas and a robe that probably belonged to his wife. Cory rubbed the sleep out of his eyes on the way to the kitchen, and it was obvious that he had just woken up himself.

"Something like that," Josh replied lazily, scrapping the bottom of the plastic cup to scoop up the remaining bits of macaroni. It wasn't enough, he concluded, but that would have to do. "Actually no. It's nothing like that. I haven't been able to sleep much."

"I thought you've been taking pills for that," Cory said, yawning as he stretched his arms out while walking to the refrigerator. He pulled out a carton of milk, and then a bowl and a box of marshmallow cereal from the cupboard.

"I have," Josh sighed, rinsing out the leftover cheese in his plastic cup before throwing it in the garbage. "But they stopped working a couple days ago."

"I can see that," Cory said almost knowingly. He gave his brother a look. "You got a lot going on?"

Yes. A billion times yes. Josh often bit off more than what he could chew when it came to things like school and work. He was an overachiever and loved a good challenge, but for some reason, he couldn't quite keep up.

"No," Josh replied. It was a lie—an obvious one at that—and his older brother chuckled in response. "Just the usual."

"My God," Cory exaggerated, pointing the rounded end of his spoon at the younger man. "You are a terrible liar. You must not have gotten that from me."

As if it were planned, a cough was heard from across the room, and both heads turned to see the woman of the house: Topanga Lawrence Matthews. Topanga strut into the kitchen wearing a pair of plush pajama pants and an alumni shirt for law school. She was up a bit earlier than usual, but she had a big case to prepare for and a trip to Long Island in the afternoon.

"Josh, you most definitely got that from your brother," Topanga mused, turning on the coffee maker. She liked her coffee black. It fueled her for the long, grueling hours she spent at work. Cory looked offended for a moment, and Topanga rolled her eyes. "What are you doing up anyways?"

"He's stressing himself out and can't sleep," Cory said plainly, pouring himself another bowl. He munched loudly without a care in the world. "Welcome to adulthood, buddy. You get that from me too."

Topanga pouted, reminiscing on when her brother-in-law had been the cutest, cherubic faced little boy that stole the heart of nearly everyone he met. Her maternal instincts took over and began to speak in a soft but firm voice: "You've got a lot going on, Josh. We know that you do, and we're always gonna be there for you."

"You really are the best sister-in-law," Josh sighed, briefly resting his head in his hands. "I'm just worried about everything. I don't know."

"Worrying is apart of life," Cory said. "It's gonna be a big part of your adult life. Just know that we've all been there before."

"I'm taking seven classes this semester," Josh expressed, finally giving in. Cory and Topanga were much like his second parents sometimes. He felt comfortable with them. "I took seven last semester and did just fine. Now? I just feel overwhelmed. I felt overwhelmed on day one."

"There's a drop/add period for a reason," Cory suggested, gesturing to himself. "As someone who not only finished college but ended up working in the education system, I gotta say that this one is on you."

"I didn't want to be that guy," Josh said, attempting to defend his reasoning. He didn't say anything after that, inadvertently giving his brother time to formulate a witty response.

"That guy?" Cory asked redundantly. "You mean the guy that sleeps at least eight hours and doesn't eat all of his brother's food in the middle of the night?"

"Okay honey," Topanga interjected, placing a hand on her husbands shoulder to get him to stop talking. "I think you're missing the point now. Josh, there's nothing wrong with dropping a class if it's too much. It happens to the best of us. I dropped a class in law school and didn't even think twice about it. You have to put yourself first sometimes."

"I can't really afford to slack off anymore," Josh began. It could be argued that he never slacked off in the first place, but they left it alone. "I can't just think about myself. I have to think of Maya and Aurora too, and the faster I get through school, the faster I can do something other than just work part time."

"I see," Cory said, a thousand tiny lightbulbs going off in his head at once. He took the stage as his wife continued to make her morning coffee in silence. "I understand how much you want to provide for them, but thinking like that is just going to make you miserable one day."

"You're right though, you are someone's dad now," Cory continued, reflecting on how terrified he had felt many years ago as he prepared for the birth of his first child—a baby girl—so he definitely understood where his brother was coming from now. "That changes a lot of things. Well, it kinda changes everything, but you have to remember that you will never be alone. I can promise you…with every fiber of my being…that your daughter will want for nothing."

"Sometimes it takes a village, Josh," Topanga added, taking a tip of her coffee. "You guys are young. Maybe you feel like everything falls on you, but it doesn't. No one is expecting you to give up on your dreams of finishing college, and we surely don't want you to exhaust yourself just to prove something."

"The best thing you could possibly do," Cory said, hoping that his little brother would get the message. "…is to try your best in school, pick up hours when you can, and just be there for your little girl. Love her. Be her dad. It's as simple as that. If you keep stressing yourself when you don't have to, you'll end up resenting your family, and I don't think you want that."

"I don't," Josh agreed, slowly but surely beginning to comprehend their logic. Even though Aurora wasn't planned and he didn't particularly want to be a dad in college, he already loved her more than life itself. Seeing Maya swell with their child made it hard for him to picture a life without either of them. "I'm just afraid that if I'm not doing enough, then maybe they'll resent me. If I could, I wouldn't change anything. I can't picture a world without my daughter, but I know that I was stupid. Really stupid. I was selfish…and now Maya's life is all messed up because of me."

His face fell, and he was trying his best to hold back tears. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the fact that he had been slaving over homework and studying all day. Maybe it was the fact that he had never really talked about this before, or that he didn't want to face the disappointment of the brother that he adored so much. His head ached and so did his heart. Before he knew it, Josh felt small droplets of tears stream down his cheeks. He wiped them away swiftly, hoping that his family wouldn't catch on. His father taught him to be a man, and men didn't cry. For the past few months, he had been nothing but calm, cool and collected. His emotions were getting the best of him now.

"Maya's headstrong," Cory said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "She does what she wants. She follows her heart because that's her compass. Consequences be damned. You know, that girl started a coup once just because she didn't want to do homework, so I find it really hard to believe that anyone could force her into doing something she doesn't want."

"It's true," Topanga nodded. She knew Maya just as well as Cory did, but in ways that only a mother could. "Maya wouldn't have been with you in the first place if she didn't want it. I talked with the girls about this a while ago, and if she didn't want to have your baby—if she wanted to forget about all of this and just be a normal teenager—she wouldn't have made the decision to carry to term. Both Maya and Riley are pro-choice, and Maya chose this life. She chose you."

Topanga's words were his breaking point, and at this point, he didn't even care if his brother and sister-in-law saw him cry. Surely they had seen him cry as a child, and right now he felt so very small. He had been carrying around guilt for so long. He often felt guilty for tainting Maya's innocence—for being so happy that they could be together—because now she could never live a normal life. Her new normal revolved around him and the child that they had created during a night of fragility.

"You can't blame yourself," Cory said. The air in Josh's throat felt tight, but the supporting presence of Cory and Topanga helped. "And remember that not everyone is lucky enough to have a village. Shawn and Katy would do anything for Maya. Not to mention the fact that you're still mom and dad's baby…and don't forget about us. The love and devotion that you have for Riley, that's how I feel about my niece too. Take advantage of that."

"When you're finished with school and have worked hard to save as much money as you can to build a good life—to take care of your family on your own—you can do just that," Topanga began. "That's how we know that we did our jobs as parents."

Hours later, Josh found himself at the foot of Maya's bed, finally feeling as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt tired, exceptionally tired, because his emotions had worn him out quite a bit. It had been a draining morning, and he was barely running on fumes. Something about being around Maya made him feel lighter, less stressed. He walked over to the vacant side of her bed, and slid under the covers. The mattress dipped and Maya stirred awake.

"Shawn let you in?" Maya asked, yawning into her sleeve as she turned toward him. The sun shined through her sheer curtains, indicating that it was at least mid-morning. The last time Josh checked, it had been nine o'clock. It was Labor Day, and they had the day off from school, and spending the rest of his morning wrapped up in Maya's blankets seemed like the best use of his time. She was his safe place. His home.

"Your mom did," Josh answered, watching as her long eye lashes fluttered open. Maya wanted to question him but decided to shrug it off. Katy and Josh had their moments. They seemed to get along well in the presence of others, but Maya knew that her mom wasn't much for conversation whenever they were alone. "Just wanted to see you for a little bit. Missed you."

"I saw you yesterday, boing," Maya rolled her eyes, caressing his cheek with her hand. Still, after all this time, he still made her heart skip a beat. God, she loved him. She wanted so badly to spend every morning with him like this, and continued to rub his cheek slowly. "You look sleepy."

"I am sleepy," Josh corrected, his eyes shutting for a moment as he leaned into her touch. "I didn't sleep at all last night."

"Party much?" Maya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I wish," Josh said softly. If only she knew. "I just had a lot on my mind. I spent the morning talking to my brother about it."

"Oh," Maya began, their eyes meeting for a brief moment. A million concerns raced through her mind. Josh was her rock, and hardly did she ever see her rock crumble. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Josh said, taking in a breath. He studied Maya in all her glory. Blue eyes, dewy skin, perfect lips. "Feeling a lot better now that I'm here."

"You're a sap," Maya commented as they readjusted themselves in bed. Now, she laid with her head on his chest and his arm wrapped securely around her.

"Thank you," Josh expressed, leaving Maya more confused than before. She had just woken up, so she felt a little dumb. Men, she thought. It was far too early to listen to him be cryptic about his feelings.

"What are you thanking me for again?"

"I don't know," Josh shrugged, but he knew. He most definitely knew. He placed his free hand on Maya's stomach, a thin camisole serving as the sole barrier between their skin. "For loving me, putting up with my shit and giving me Ari."

Aurora moved, ever so slightly as if she had been summoned by her own name. Maya felt it, and so did Josh. A flutter. A kick. It was a moment all to themselves.

"I will always love you," Maya said with a long breath. The truth of her words were quite heavy. She had been in love with him since before she even knew what love was, and he had provided her with an undeniable belonging. "But…"

"But what?"

"I know that she loves you more," Maya said with a smile. It was a running joke among their family that Aurora would be a daddy's girl, but Maya could see it as clear as day. She could feel it. "She doesn't move like that for just anyone. Only you."

In response, Josh kissed the top of her head, and they enjoyed the rest of their waking moments in a comfortable silence. Although conversation was quite important, they didn't always have to talk. Silence spoke volumes.