Chapter 5

Note: I changed some timelines and details from the original TV show but it's essentially the same.

Warning: This chapter contains past references to all kinds of child abuse so avoid if you are sensitive.

How much longer before Brendan lashes out at Ste again or can he change? I know I have made him a bit predatory and not a good person but he has many sides to him.

Please leave a review if you can. I know that Hollyoaks isn't very mainstream.

Thanks x

They'd been carrying on their affair behind closed doors for almost a month now and Brendan had kept his promise and not taking his temper out on Ste, well at least not physically. One late night or early day – however you called it one Saturday, Ste walked straight up to his boss and wrapped his arm around his neck from behind as Brendan was closing up the bar. The older man smiled possessively, happily surprised at first.

'Hello, Sailor.' Brendan breathed sexily and brought up his own hands to hold Ste's.

'I can't wait.' Ste lowered his hands to his own belt and started to undo it in his eagerness causing the other to frown.

When he drew back, Brendan turned around and drew his head towards his mouth. Ste smiled, standing there with his flies undone and his brown belt hanging off his narrow hips. Excited and anticipating the kiss, turned up his face to meet his mouth.

Instead, Brendan drew back his fist as far back as he could and gave him 3 undercuts in rapid succession to his stomach and punched him in the face for good measure.

Ste looked up at him in dazed shock and betrayal from the floor where he'd fallen but the worst thing was that he didn't try to speak at first because he couldn't. Only the tears in his eyes said it all as he tried to wipe away all the blood that started to stream into his right one from the deep cut above it where Brendan had hit him.

He clutched his middle, bent over in agony and just trying to breathe. But that was OK, Terry, his stepfather had taught him well how to deal with the pain and how to pretend like it didn't hurt like when he broke Ste's arm when he was only 9. But even then, the boy couldn't keep up the pretence and he had relented and finally driven him to hospital.

A different one almost every time so they that wouldn't ask the same old questions and get suspicious before Terry learnt to hide the results of his 'punishments' better. Ste recalled his stepfather driving 200 miles out of their way to a hospital once to avoid the suspicious looks and awkward questions and give the same old excuses to different health workers who didn't who know Ste's history, berating and cursing him the whole journey while Ste tried to huddle in the corner near the door as far away from him as he could get. His mother didn't notice they'd been gone so long, didn't notice the new cast on his wrist or his battered face with one eye swollen shut. Didn't even ask. She was drunk as usual and on the verge of passing out. Terry had half-heartedly (for him) kicked her a couple of times in disgust when they got home but she had only groaned before he ordered Ste up to his room.

'Stop snivelling, you little snot. It's all your own fault, BOY! I told you what would happen if you try to lie to me, you stupid little waste of space. Why am I burdened with you? You're too thick to ever be anything or anybody.'

Ste had collapsed into his room and quickly shoved his wardrobe against the door. Hadn't even dared to ask Terry for his pain medication that the doctor had given him. His injuries were really throbbing now and he really needed it but probably his 'parents' would get high on it.

Instead, he slid down against the wardrobe door, trembling and crying in fear that Terry would whip himself into one of his rages and come up to give him more of the same treatment. He shoulders shook as he wrapped his arms around his equally shaking legs in terror, buried his face into his lap and sobbed.

He'd never felt so alone before.

He found himself imagining himself far away… in another country, overseas.

With other parents. Nice parents who actually cared about him.

When he heard Terry yell again at his mother, calling her a drunk, fat, useless cow and the thumps followed by her groans of pain, he cringed.

Like he did every time.

And a part of him that hated her was glad that she was the focus of Terry's rage and not him but he instantly felt guilty about it after.

11 – year -old Ste's heart froze in his chest when he heard his stepfather finish with his mother and stomp his way upstairs furiously towards him. He put his hand over his mouth to muffle his cries of terror and panicky, shallow and rapid breathing.

Luckily, Terry had deemed that Ste had been punished enough, at least until next time he answered him back and tried to lie about the 'F' he got in English Lit. Ste had tried to hide the 'Letter of Concern' from his teacher but she'd called home anyway. Terry was between construction jobs so was at home all the time, much to Ste's constant alarm and he'd found it screwed up in the bin. How could he have been so stupid? Should have thrown it away outside.

'I'm stupid, stupid, just like he said I was.' Ste murmured as he rocked himself slowly once he realised he was safe, probably at least until the next morning. 'No good, nothing good'll ever come from me, never going to be anyone…'

He never thought how hard it was to study while living in an abusive home where he had to watch his back every second and could be attacked any minute…It didn't help his concentration.

He just told himself he was stupid before he took the little baggie out by prising up the loose floorboard with his screwdriver.

The powder inside was the only way he could calm down enough to fall asleep. It would take the edge of all injuries at the same time, too.

He fell asleep on the floorboards with a grin on his face.

Back to the present and Ste wasn't going to be that helpless little boy anymore.

'I…I don't understand…' He stammered, finally able to get his voice back but it was hoarse.

But Brendan didn't even apologise. Only smirked down at him. Still, he did hold his hands open non-threateningly and try to approach him.

'Oh, Steven, Steven. Why did you do it? I thought you'd learnt by now that I'm the one who makes all the moves. I'm the one who is in control.' He bent down as if to touch him in concern. 'Always.'

'Get away from me! Don't touch me!'

Brendan didn't apologise only smirked but backed off. 'Then do up your flies and get out.' He turned away with a grimace of disgust that stung Steven. 'Didn't I tell you what would happen if you cross the line? Did I say you could touch me first?' His eyes held him trapped mercilessly.

'But...but I thought...you liked it! Anyway, you said you'd change!'

The other smiled. 'For you?' He asked in scorn.

'But I love you!' Ste even guilelessly blurted this out while clutching his side in pain.

Brendan smirked. 'Really? Then you're a little fool. Now get out of my sight.'

'With pleasure. You need help, Brendan!' Ste called after him as he staggered away. 'By the way, I quit!'

'You're fired!' Brendan shot after him but when he was gone and nobody could see him, the Irishman sank to the floor of the empty club and cradled his head in his hands.

...

'Steven.' He banged on his window the next morning. The boy glared at him through the net curtain. This had a definite deja vu feel to it. 'Get lost! I don't want you around my kids!'

Brendan ignored his outburst and went right to the front.

'Steven! I'm sorry, OK. Please open up.'

'Go away!'

'Please.'

The Ste was glaring at him with his arms crossed over his chest. 'Well? There's nothing you can say. We're over and I quit for good this time!'

'Steven...'

'You don't think I'm going to let you in, do you?'

'Five minutes to apologise that's all I ask. I want to explain why I did what I did last night.'

Ste sighed and he knew that he was getting at him.

...

'Fine but then we're done apart from being employer and employee. Get it?'

'OK. Whatever you want.' But his expression was sardonic and his gaze was fixed to the other's mouth. Ste turned away in annoyance and led him inside the small flat.

'Uncle Brendan!' They chimed excitedly and ran up to hug him around the waist. The flint-eyed Irishman was touched and beamed despite himself as he hugged them back. While they kept their relationship a secret and was careful when Leah and Lucas were there, they knew who Brendan was. Ste had just introduced them to him just as a friend.

Ste scowled. 'Can you go upstairs, kids?' He asked his children.

'No! We want to stay with Uncle Brendan!'

Brendan grinned despite himself. Ste knew had to admit grudgingly that they seemed to like him but he had to face facts even though knew he would never hurt a child, his secret boyfriend was a violent and unpredictable bully.

'Don't ask, just do it now, please.'

They giggled and ran to their room.

'Cute.' Brendan grinned. 'They seemed pleased to see me.'

'Shut up. You don't get to talk about my kids. They ain't anything to do with you anymore.'

Ste's eyes opened slightly. Did he see Brendan draw back slightly with a flinch when he said that? It had been less than a microsecond…He tried to be tough and tell himself he had given him his last chance but that flash of vulnerability from Brendan got to him. Ste told himself he had imagined it.

'Ste, please.'

'Say what you got to say and then get out. I'm busy. I got to cook their teas.' He was already half-turned away about to walk into the kitchen.

'Don't walk away from me.' Brendan commanded.

Ste turned back and gave him a sharp look.

'Please'. He added in a softer tone. 'You want to know why I did it? Why I lashed out of you?'

Ste sighed. Do I want to listen to his excuses? However, he sat down carefully on the sofa with a groan that he didn't dare utter in front of his children and motioned Brendan to do the same.

'I got angry because you smelled of whiskey.'

'Well, I was invited to a whiskey bar by my mates just before. I only had a couple and anyway, it was my night off, right?'

'And when I heard you undo your belt, it reminded me of my Dad.'

Ste sat up and suddenly his expression immediately changed. 'Did he hurt you?' He breathed. He should have guessed. Brendan must have been exposed to violence when he was growing up just like Ste had and was following the imprinted pattern.

A vicious cycle.

Understanding slowly filled his eyes.

Brendan looked up at the ceiling, at the walls, anywhere but at him. 'Yeah.' He whispered. 'When he was drunk and...'

'So, he hit you with his belt?'

Brendan met his eyes but only briefly. He looked away and mumbled almost inaudibly, 'Something like that.'

Ste's eyes filled with tears as he nodded in sympathy. 'No wonder you're full of this anger...it's not just about not wanting anyone to know you're gay...'

His tears for him, Brendan, the businessman thought to himself. He hated the thought of anyone pitying him. He'd never told anyone about Seamus.

'Don't. Don't look at me like that. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone. Couldn't even take care of my own kids...'

'Brendan, it's never too late.'

'And I do love you, Ste. I lied before … I guess I couldn't admit my feelings. But I hurt you. I destroy everyone who gets close to me.' Ste to his shock heard his boss' voice crack. 'I was so cruel to you last night and I didn't even say sorry...'

'I used to hit my girlfriend, Amy.' Ste suddenly blurted out.

Brendan hid his slight shock well. He wasn't judging, well maybe he was just a tiny bit because hitting women and children was against his own moral code but a fully-grown man was fair game in his own eyes. He reminded himself that he must have only been a kid at the time but that didn't make right. Besides, he just couldn't believe a man so gentle as Ste could do something like that.

'Is there a point to this romantic little story?' He retorted dryly, feeling a little uncomfortable.

'I'm telling you because I stopped. But only because I got help and it's because of what my stepdad used to do to me. Just like you. You need help too, Brendan. You don't need to ruin your life because of what your Dad did to you. You can't let him win!'

'Your stepfather abused you?' Brendan's stomach lurched.

'Yeah.'

'How?' He breathed.

'He used to beat me up and my mum too.' Brendan rose his eyebrows but otherwise didn't say anything.

'I hated myself for it. What he turned me into…but I can't blame anyone but myself. I had to take responsibility and so do you, Brendan.'

He shook his head. 'You can't say that what we did – between blokes – is the same.'

'Yes, it is, Brendan! I didn't do anything. You hit me, remember?'

'I have never hit a woman in my life.'

'And you think that makes you better than me?'

'Yes.'

Ste shook his head. 'It's the same!'

'Look, it's not the same thing because we're both men. And if we step out of line, we get a slap, right?'

'Is that what your Dad told you?'

He paused and looked away briefly.

'Look, I can't stop myself. One wrong word, one wrong touch...take me by surprise...and it's like I'm back there with him again.' He explained, ignoring the funny look the other man gave him. 'Then I hurt you.' Brendan painfully finished.

'Because you hate yourself like I did every time I hurt her. You don't think you're worthy of being loved. What your Dad did to you...' Ste said through his tears. 'I hated myself too especially because my Mum was always drunk and didn't seem to care how badly I got hurt.'

Brendan cleared his throat and looked away.

'Our pasts aren't an excuse, Brendan.'

He turned back to him. 'It'll never happen again. Look – I'll even give you a couple of weeks off as you're in no state to work, OK? I'll get cover from the agency.'

Ste brightened a little but then his face fell. 'Really? Oh, but I can't afford to be out of pocket…'

'Then I'll give you sick leave on full-pay – see it as my way of apology.'

'Thanks. But I'm not saying I'm ready for you know…to get back together properly again yet. I don't trust you, Bren. And if we do, I'm not willing to be your dirty little secret, either.'

Brendan was taken aback but didn't show it. Instead, he appeared to be thinking about it. 'Look, I'm not ready for people to know about us yet but I promise I'll do something about my anger…I'll work on it.'

'Promise?'

'Promise.'

Ste smiled and limped over to him to embrace him. Brendan smiled sweetly at him (he was capable of it) and hugged him back carefully avoiding his bruises.

'Love ya.' Ste pecked his lips.

'I want to become a better man for you.' Brendan quickly replied.

Ste frowned for a split-second but when they pulled way in disappointment but then he nodded.

'Maybe I'll get him drunk after and have my wicked way with him.' Brendan watched the young blonde man who was 20 at the very most as he worked and mused out loud to his friend and business partner, glamour model, Mitzeee – three 'e's. She also happened to be his straight cover girlfriend.

'Bren!' Mitzeee slapped his arm. 'Where's Ste?' She was naturally in on their secret.

'Been off-sick for four days. So, while the 'mouse',' he snickered at his own joke, 'is away, the cat can play.'

'Stop it! He loves the bones of you.' She pushed him and he stuck his chest out in response.

'Still…' He carried on ogling the boy, 'a man has needs.' He licked his lips.

'Who even says Kevin is gay? Or would be interested in you anyway?'

'Have you not seen me work on my magic? If he's not into men, he will be by the time Brendan Brady is finished with him. Nobody -and I mean nobody - can resist me once I put on the Irish charm.' He did a little twirl and a bow.

'So full of yourself.' Mitzeee teased. 'But seriously, you're not going to throw you and Ste away on a meaningless little fling with your bar staff?'

He finally managed to drag his eyes off his latest employee and looked down at the ground. 'No. Of course not.'

'I have to go. Got a photo-shoot in less than an hour.' She began to flounce out Chez Chez in her killer red heels and a sexy short black dress that showed off her slim legs and perfect hour-glass figure to her best advantage but turned back to waggle her finger at him. 'Leave him alone and keep your paws to yourself, you hear?'

'Yes, Mam.' He mock saluted her. 'I'll try my best.' Damn, he thought to himself. I know she likes me – really likes me and if only I liked women…

'You…' She teased. 'I gotta go. Bye.'

'Bye.' He turned back to watch his employee. If he was any good, he was considering making Kevin permanent and saving himself the agency fees. He put on his inscrutable mask of dispassionate professionalism before he swaggered his way to his new employee.

Later on at closing-up time

'You did good on your first day. Well done.'

'Thanks, Boss.' Kevin smiled innocently. He would have to text 'Dad' and tell him the good news later.

'How about a celebratory drink or two?'

'OK.' Maybe he's going to make a pass at me. 'Dad' told me to expect this – he's a right letch with the young boys, Kevin thought silently.

'Good boy.' Brendan went to open them a couple of beers. While his back was turned, Kevin suddenly dropped the glass he was holding full force onto the bar near the beer-tap. It instantly smashed, leaving him with a hand full of shards and dripping blood.

'Ow. Sorry,..'.

'Give it here.' Brendan took his hand, picked out the shards while Kevin winced and started to wash it under the tap. 'Looks nasty but you'll live. Here, hold this on it.' He gave him back his hand covered by the blood-stained tea-towel. 'Add pressure to stop the bleeding and I'll go and get the First Aid box.'

'No wait.'

Brendan rose an eyebrow and turned back. 'What is it?'

'I guess I'm so clumsy…all nervous… because of what day it is.'

'And what day would that be then?'

'The anniversary of my Uncle Lenny's death. Not my real Uncle. He died of a heart-attack 2 years today.'

'Oh, sorry to hear that. Were you two close?' The handsome, dark-haired man sounded bored before he left briefly for his office.

'Not exactly. See, I can still see him standing in front of my bed…I can't fall asleep because I'm scared I'll dream about him.' Kevin replied as soon as he came back.

Brendan's head snapped back to look at him as he immediately tensed up. He took back the youth's hand and started to cleanse it gently with antiseptic. Kevin winced.

'Now, now, be a brave boy.' His boss' tone was paternal despite the way he'd been looking at him minutes ago. 'It's nearly over.'

'Sorry, it's just…'

'The day. I know. Did he do something to you?' He asked in a deliberately soft voice while not looking at him but apparently focused on bandaging his hand.

'Yeah…he did.' Kevin answered reluctantly.

'Did he knock you about?'

He shook his head. 'He didn't do that.'

Brendan paused, turned away and closed his eyes briefly where the other couldn't see. 'Did he tell you that you were special?'

Kevin nodded.

'What did he do to you?'

'He…he touched me.'

Brendan took a deep sigh and handed back his well – wrapped up hand without looking at him.

'Touched you where, son?' He deliberately kept his tone light while he seethed inside. Even for someone else's son he didn't know.

'Everywhere.'

Brendan shook his head slowly in disgust. Yet he had to ask, he had to know.

'Did he make you to touch him back?' He asked tonelessly.

'Yes. I shouldn't have burdened you with this but I…I can't get him out of my head. Especially today, he's everywhere! His disgusting touch and sloppy kisses…drooling all over me! And when he got on top of me…' Kevin shuddered and buried his head in his hands in shame as his voice trembled and became a little muffled but he was still understandable. 'He was in his fifties, bald, ugly and fat. He was shorter than me the last time but I still couldn't stop him…'

Brendan was clearly uncomfortable with the TMI situation especially since they hadn't met before yesterday and he'd promised Ste that he would be back for dinner. The wannabe chef was putting on a real treat for him – a surprise, and the Irishman's stomach was growling and he couldn't wait to see what it was. But he couldn't in all conscience leave the kid alone upset.

He regretted hiring with his eyes and not his mind just because he wanted some eye-candy around him for entertainment while he worked. But he couldn't very well toss him out in the cold just because he'd been abused as a young boy. It wasn't a crime – at least not poor Kevin's crime.

Brendan took a deep breath before he plunged in the deep end. 'Did he go the whole way with you, son?' He asked, desperately praying in his head that he'd get the right answer.

'Yeah.' Kevin chewed his lower lip nervously and under very different circumstances, it might have been hot.

'How old were you when he first did that?' Brendan deliberately kept himself calm although inside he was wishing someone could be made to die twice horribly as he looked away and wiped a hand across one eye. He was sweating and his heart beat was racing but on the surface; he was as cool as a cucumber.

Kevin raised his head. 'I was only 12 when we did it and he kept on doing it to me until I turned 15.'

'Jaisus. How many times?' Brendan asked, feeling sick.

'I lost count. Luckily he lived a bit far away and I didn't have to see him all the time.' The tears dripped slowly down his cheeks. 'He was a friend of my parents and he used to stay over sometimes. They never knew.'

I can't leave him like this, Brendan thought.

'Wait there, son.' He told him kindly. 'I've got to make a quick phone-call and then I'll be right back.'.

Steven. Pick up, Steven. It's an emergency…see there's this young boy not much younger than you who needs me …Surely, you understand…

Damn! No answer. Must be busy bathing the kids or probably cooking.

Ste will have to wait. He'd understand.

He moved back again within Kevin's range from where he was sitting on a stool and as soon as he did, the boy began to sob. Brendan felt hands suddenly grabbing his waist as Kevin buried his face into his side.

Normally he would have got a warning with his fist in his face for touching him first without permission.

But this …felt different.

Kevin smiled against him in triumph when he felt the older man's fingers running through his hair, hesitant at first and a little rough until they found a slow, comforting rhythm. Brendan's free hand then moved to cup his shoulder.

'It's over. He's gone now and the best you can you do is try to forget him, Kevin.' Brendan carried on soothing him for a while and let him sag against him.

'It's not your fault, not yours, not yours, no matter what he said to you to make you believe it was, OK?' Kevin felt the older man cup his hands under face and force him to look at him. 'Now, listen to me. Your 'Uncle' whatever's dead and can't hurt you anymore… he can't hurt you anymore.' He repeated. Kevin wondered why his boss sounded like he was trying to reassure himself just as much as him.

Kevin acted the part with utter perfection as he gave a quiet whimper and buried his head again in Brendan. His 'Dad' always told him with his blonde hair and blue eyed angelic good looks, he should have gone to drama school. Made something of his life. Become someone but Kevin knew he would never do that now. He was ruined.

And the worst thing about it was he'd done it to himself.

'OK.' Brendan gave his back a few more perfunctory strokes, bringing him back to the present before he straightened up abruptly after a few minutes and moved away as if embarrassed, forcing Kevin's arms to drop.

This wasn't what his new employee had expected – he wasn't oblivious to the predatory way his boss looked at him. He'd relied on his looks most of his adult life and he'd half expected him to pounce on him after he'd plied him with enough beers, part of Brendan's plan all along. Kevin wouldn't have objected because letting Brendan do whatever he wanted had been Plan B. Still could be. But there was no lust in the Irishman's touch – only a sense of cautious sympathy and understanding.

Kevin didn't really want to sleep with him, he wasn't gay but his 'Dad' had told him he had to.

He wiped his eyes and blew his nose on a tissue before he dropped it in the bin. He had to admit that Brendan's hands on him and not wanting anything back (not his usual experience with men while living on the streets) had felt nice.

'How about a nice, big 'Fuck him, I'm glad he's dead' whiskey on the rocks as a little compensation?' Brendan asked cheerily. 'Hurry up and finish your beer first.'

'OK.' He shrugged his shoulders miserably like he didn't really care but inside he was screaming in victory. His 'Dad' was going to be very, very happy with him.

'Now, Kevin, I sympathise but I don't want what happened to you to affect your performance at work. No moping and putting off the punters, you got me?' He pointed at his own eyes and then his to make his point clear. 'But I am here any time you need to talk.'

'Thanks, boss.' He answered gratefully before he downed the second whiskey far too fast.

The older man looked at him with a frown but didn't speak as he sipped his own slowly.

Brendan remembered he should call Steven to let him know he'd be late but when Kevin started puking on his 3rd whiskey, he got distracted.

'Should have taken your time on those, boy. Where do you live?'

Kevin told him. He knew that his 'Dad' wasn't there tonight but maybe it wouldn't matter if he was. He'd get a slightly drunk Brendan right where he wanted (but still under the limit apparently).

Job done.

'That last whiskey is coming out of your wages. You wasted it and you made a mess on my bar.'

'But…' He stupidly started to protest.

He motioned for him to shut him up. 'Be glad that's all I'm charging you for. Come on.' He helped him into his car.

'Don't you be sick again or tell me if you are and give me time to stop and kick you out. I don't want your vomit all over the leather white seats.' He motioned him to open the fancy red sports car rear door.

'Yes, Boss.'

'What's the address?'

Kevin slurred it out.

'You sure? The GPS can't find it.'

Kevin had to repeat it about three times before he finally got it right.

When they got there, Brendan unwound his arm around his shoulder where he'd been supporting him as they walked and watched him shakily try to unlock the door.

'Give me the key.' He ordered him a little impatiently and opened it for him.

'Come in…Help me inside.'

'Now, I don't think that's a very good idea. Just drink some water before you go to sleep and you'll be right as rain.' Brendan turned to go.

'Noo…Can't.'

Brendan rolled his eyes. 'Can't believe I'm putting him to bed…Lightweight…' He muttered to himself in irritation.

Kevin walked drunkenly but tossed off his shirt as soon as Brendan flicked the light switch.

Brendan watched as if mesmerised, unable to look away.

Kevin smirked to himself and started tugging down his boxers. 'I want to thank you, boss, properly for listening to me. I've never told anyone that before.'