If I didn't love you Chapter 1

This story takes place mid S5 just around the time that Sarah loses her memory. She resumes her job in DC thinking that Chuck and Casey are just new her partners and nothing else. But as the events unfold, it's not the case. Enjoy and let me know what you think. Mssupertigz

Outside Virginia – present day

Chuck came to an impasse and stared down the eyes of a killer. The one he had heard about but rarely saw, except for the time that she shot that Fulcrum agent and lied about it. Her eyes focused on the kill and him as the target. He looked at her not sure what to say or whether it would make a difference. He was still a stranger to her yet he knew everything about her. He hoped that he had made a difference working with her, on her turf and not in LA. He chose to be just another agent assigned with her, at least he got to see her everyday. He knew he had to pretend that he didn't know her, fake their relationship, which he had mastered years ago. Casey told Chuck that it was admirable, what he was doing and maybe it was a way to get his Sarah back.

Sarah never flinched as the gun fired. The force made Chuck's body jerk himself backwards. He thought to himself 'I am safe, I am wearing a vest. I learned that much from working with her'. The bullet tore through his skin ripping his insides out. He fell hard hitting his head on the cold ground, which was the least of his worries. It was when he looked up at her and saw her look over her shoulder, almost scanning the place, then she disappeared. Chuck rolled over and slowly got up onto his feet. He looked around and knew that this wasn't over and he had to get out of there, if she knew he was still breathing. His side felt warm mixed with the sweat he ran his hand over the spot and saw blood. He staggered through the trees heading in the opposite direction that she came from. It reminded him of when he was in Thailand running away from the Belgium. The moon shining above him allowed him to see shapes and shadows but he knew that he was falling fast. He found a barn and pushed his way into it, walking to a far corner. Collapsing the last words he spoke was "Why Sarah?"

Chuck woke up to something poking him which startled him even more. He looked up to see an older man standing over him with a pitch fork. 'That must have been what was poking him' Chuck thought. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" The old man inquired. Then the man noticed the vest had been opened and Chuck holding his side. "You okay?" Chuck used his shoulder to help him sit up. "Well actually." Chuck barely started to explain when he saw the old man head to the door as his dog began to bark. The old man opened the door and saw a woman coming down over the hill. He came back. "There's a woman out there. She belong to you?"

"What does she look like?"

The old man went back to the door. "Blonde hair maybe 6 feet black boots very pretty."

Chuck thinking to himself. 'She's my girlfriend or fake girlfriend / wife. She was my fake girlfriend then girlfriend then wife and I guess we are still married.' Chuck looked at the old man. "That's my wife well technically yes and technically no."

"Well what is it." Chuck gave up. "She's my wife."

The old man came back. "And she did this to you?"

Chuck forced himself up. "Well yes, she's a CIA agent and well it's a long story. She's not one to bargain with and it looks like she's on a mission so if you by chance can help me up I will exit and you can tell her that you have no idea who I am or that I was even here."

The older man helped Chuck stand up and he tried to exit through another door. Just then Sarah kicked in the door. Chuck looked at her. "How did you?"

"I know how you think Chuck. There's no hiding from me."

Chuck turns. "Yes there is and I can prove it." Chuck hobbles off leaving Sarah to follow him. Chuck manages to move fairly quickly holding his side. "Chuck your going to continue to bleed out."

"No I'm not." Chuck cringed.

"Chuck stop!" Sarah yelled.

"No! With you here, your not done are you?"

Sarah looked again out into the darkness.

"We are leaving now Chuck."

Sarah looked at the old man. "You saw nothing, you will call no one."

"They wouldn't believe me even if I did tell someone." The old man replied.

"Do you have a car we can borrow?" Sarah nervously kept an eye on the trees. The old man gave Sarah his keys. "The clutch sticks a bit."

"Thanks, you can pick up your car in a few hours. I will leave it at the Briggs gas station."

The old man seemed okay with it. Maybe it was Sarah's tone or the concern she had on her face towards the man she had just shot, but the old man believed her. Sarah helped Chuck into the truck as he wasn't feeling the greatest then hurried to the driver's side. She started the truck and fiddled with the clutch as she saw Chuck holding his side. She pushed her hand into his shirt to take a look. "You will be fine, but you might pass out soon."

Chuck looked at her. "You shot me."

"I grazed you. If I'd wanted to kill you, I would have aimed more to the right."

Sarah drove out of the farm yard taking the grid road. She continued to keep her eye on the rear view mirror. She looked at Chuck once before he passed out and spoke softly "You will be okay." She touched his cheek, then grabbed the clutch and shifted into gear driving into the darkness.

3 months ago Los Angeles

Sarah finally woke up in a secure section of Westside Medical, after Chuck and Casey had finally found her. She looked alright on the outside but she wasn't responding to anything about what had happened. Chuck made Ellie take a look at her and finally giving in she went in and took a look then came back saying everything was fine. But Chuck knew that she wasn't. When he came into her room and the look she gave him was not a look that he had seen before. It was a concerned yet looked almost robot like. Chuck looked at her and she smiled. He wanted to kiss her but when he leaned forward Casey grabbed his shoulder. He motioned for him to come over. Chuck got up. Sarah rolled onto her side. "Chuck, I think that there's something wrong with Sarah."

Chuck looked back at Sarah. "You too? I thought that it was just me. We would be holding hands and kissing and."

"I know but that's not what I meant. I think that Quinn did end up doing something to her. She has the same look as she did the first day we came here to LA. She has that old Sarah look."

Chuck had heard about her old days and how she was the wild card, the best of the best. And she still was, but she had humbled herself over the years and just the thought that Quinn had done something to change that made him sick.

Casey walked up to Sarah. Sarah turned around. "Agent Walker, do you know who we are?"

"Yes."

Chuck's smiled inwardly as Casey looked at Chuck hoping that he wouldn't get his hopes too high.

"Yes, your John Casey and you, sorry. Are you NSA as well?"

Chuck's heart broke even more as he stood there looking at his wife, the woman he loved. The one he fought for, the one he hoped to spend the rest of his life with. And now she was asking him who he was. Casey felt bad for Chuck as he saw the look he had seen many times when he was let down, devastated and hurt. Chuck let out a huge sigh then looked at Sarah. "My name is Charles Carmichael."

Casey looked at them both. Their spark wasn't there, it wasn't the same as it was when they met the very first time, it was very sterile.

Sarah smiled. "Nice to meet you Charles and John it's been awhile. But why are you here and why am I here in LA?"

Casey pulled up a chair. "You were in an accident, a blast and you were caught up in it. I was, we were in the area and got the call to investigate."

"Okay and." Sarah still looking at Casey.

"Still looking into leads."

"Okay, if everything is good here. I want to get back to my assignment." Sarah went quiet.

Chuck looked at her and recognized that look. He wanted to touch her but forced himself to refrain. "Something wrong, Agent Walker?"

Sarah looked at Chuck. "I don't remember why I was here."

"Your in LA?"

"LA?"

"Yeah, you were sent out here to look for a file and bring it back to DC."

"A file?"

Casey looked at Chuck.

"Yeah, and you were just about to finish up here when a bomb went off and the doctors think that the loss of your memory is just temporary."

"I guess that might explain some things. I do know that LA is not one of my favourite places to visit. I am glad that I have only been here for a few days."

Chuck pushed his chair back and left the room. He found a corner and crouched down and sobbed. Casey said good night to Sarah, walked out of her room and went looking for Chuck. Chuck didn't hide the fact that he was crying. Casey just waited and drove him home. Ellie and Devon were waiting as Ellie just got home herself. Chuck welcomed Ellie's embrace then called it a night. Ellie turned to Casey. "What is going on?"

"Sarah was taken by a rogue agent named Quinn and we believe that he suppressed her memories because she wouldn't give him the Intersect."

"She lost her memories? Chuck?"

"She knows who I am but has, no clue who Chuck is."

Devon looked at Casey. "How can that be? If she knows you?"

"Sarah thinks its five years ago just around the time she came to LA. So she would know me from DC, but me from five years ago and not who I am today."

Ellie looked at Casey. "That is why she wasn't interested in me being there when I looked at her."

"And Chuck?"

"He introduced himself as Charles and not Chuck. We told her that we were there looking into a case and was asked to pop by. So as far as she knows we are just John and Charles."

The next morning

Casey stood in front of the screen talking to Beckman. "And she has no idea of the last five years?"

"Not that I am aware of ma'am."

Casey looked up to see Chuck walking in.

"So, what do you want us to do ma'am?"

Chuck came into view of the screen. Beckman looked up. "I am so sorry Chuck."

Chuck tried to give her a smile or something but gave her a blank look instead.

"Well you two can't work together as you did."

"We can carry on and do the best we can." Chuck answered her.

Chuck stood there hearing them toss back and forth ideas but each idea failed to include the fact that his wife did not remember who he was, and that Quinn did this to her and was still out there.

"With all due respect General, you two have forgotten that my wife doesn't know who I am and that Quinn is still out there. He is responsible for all of this."

"Chuck, I'm/ we are sorry. Your right, Sarah is not just an agent in this anymore, she's your wife and friend and co worker. And we need to find answers and doing what we can to make Quinn responsible for what he did to Sarah. What do you want to do?"

"She doesn't want to be here. She has no memory of the last five years."

"But what about you Chuck, not you as a spy but her husband."

Chuck continued to discuss with Casey and Beckman and decided that for all parties involved they would all go back to DC with out telling her of the last five years. Chuck hoped that relocating to DC, in time she'd start to remember them and if she didn't he'd be able to still be with her. He rather leave her in LA and have her find them in DC.

Beckman was worried that Chuck was still a target so, she was okay with having him closer. Beckman met with Sarah when she returned to DC and Sarah couldn't argue with her new assignment. She was happy to be home and working with her new team, but didn't know how an NSA agent and a rookie spy would be able to work with her but she kept an open mind.

She sat down and stared at her new team. She looked at them, but when she looked at Chuck specifically she was a bit smitten by his presence. There was something about him, that there was more to this guy from Burbank.

Beckman made sure that Sarah's old apartment was ready for her and even work was in on the so called lie. Beckman set up a small area that was similar to what Castle looked liked back in LA. Hoping that it would trigger some memories. Casey went back to his old condo as well and helped Chuck settle into a place across the parking lot from him. Chuck walked in and closed the door dropping his bags and seeing the furnished living room. He felt so alone. He walked to the window and stared out towards downtown, feeling all the pain, hurt. He walked back and sat down, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it against his chest. He stared out again at the window and heard a faint train horn going off in the distance. He leaned his head back thinking that just a week ago he was making love to Sarah on the train as they decided to start a family. 'Chuck laughed as he struggled to squeeze into the small sleeping compartment. Sarah had slid in first and looked at him. "Well I guess they didn't think about tall people when they made this." Sarah pulled his shirt off, hoping to speed up the process. Sarah slipped out of her clothes with ease. Her head fell against the window as Chuck crawled over her. He was already out of breath by the time he placed his lips on hers. She kissed him softly, letting her fingers roam his body. Chuck leaned on his hands looking down at her as they became one. They loved the chance to be together like this on missions and now that they wanted to start a family, they took every chance they could. Chuck lowered his body into hers and made love.'

Chuck opened his eyes seeing how bright it was in the room. He heard knocking. He staggered to the door, taking a look in the peep hole. He opened the door to see Casey holding a tray of coffee. Chuck opened the door and saw that Chuck was still wearing the same clothes that he was wearing yesterday.

Chuck looked at Casey as he was wearing a dark blue suit. "Good morning, Chuck. A little undressed for work are we?"

Chuck looked at his clothes then back at Casey. "A suit?"

"Casey walked into the kitchen. "Yeah NSA protocol."

"So me too?"

"Yeah."

Chuck grabbed his suitcase and garment bag and headed to the bathroom. He came back grabbing the coffee and got ready.