IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU

by mssupertigz

This story takes place mid S5 just around the time that Sarah loses her memory. She resumes her job in DC thinking that Chuck and Casey are just new her partners and nothing else. But as the events unfold, it's not the case.

3. Chapter 3

If I didn't love you Chapter 3

Quinn showed up and repeated the word Omaha and Sarah seemed to switch gears. "Agent Walker."

"Yes."

"Nicholas Quinn, I'm your handler. Have you had time to look at the file I sent you?"

"No I haven't had time."

"Understandable. But we need to get moving on what you started in LA?"

"LA?"

"I guess you're not all back yet, I figured after a few months, you would be raring to go."

"What do you mean? I was told to hold on, to the events of LA?"

"That's what they wanted to tell you. You took a nasty blow to the head. A week in the hospital. Any of that ring a bell? Japan? The bullet train? No? (slight pause) It doesn't matter. But if you can get the file I sent you. If you're fit for duty we can focus on completing it."

"I am."

Quinn looks at her. "Good."

"Orders are in."

She grabbed the file as Quinn looked impatient with her. She slowly opened the envelope and saw the evilness coming from his eyes as he anticipated her response. It was like he was basking in what Sarah's response would be like. She pulled out a photo and saw who it was.

"You recognize this face?"

"What's this?"

"This is your new assignment."

"My assignment, I am already working with him."

"I know but you have been working with a traitor."

"You must be mistaken."

"I'm not!" His voice startled the veteran agent. "He's a threat to the whole organization. He needs to be eliminated. His real name is Chuck Bartowski

"Why, what, has he done?"

"Never ask questions about an assignment agent. This is your assignment and it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Do you hear me!" His tone even harsher.

Sarah held back her feelings and looked at him. "Yes I hear you."

"Good, I hope to hear from you by the end of the week." Quinn walked to the end of her desk, then turned. "If you need to know the why, he stole vital Government files and has been selling them to the highest bidder and he's the reason why your last mission went south." Quinn left with a smile on his face. Sarah looked at the photo. "It can't be, not him."

She looked back at the past few weeks that she had been with him training with him. "How could he have time to sell secrets." She stared at the photo turning it over, looking into the envelope for something else to explain that it was all a misunderstanding. Then she remembered Casey had an envelope that he secretly stashed. Sarah thought to herself. "Maybe Casey is the courier?"

Sarah tucked the photo into her bag and headed towards Casey's side of the room. She waited till the room was empty then grabbed a paper clip and a letter opener and pried the cabinet open and found the envelope. She opened it up and saw a disc. She grabbed it and slipped it into the back of her skirt and pulled her suit jacket down over it. She got up and headed back to her desk. She didn't have time to look at it as Chuck and Casey were walking in. She noticed the cups and wondered about the date and if theirs said 2012. She waited till Chuck and Casey tossed their cups into the garbage then grabbed them and looked at the stickers. Theirs too had the date 2012. She looked at her computer and saw the date at the bottom of her screen it read 2007. She went into her settings and reset the time. It came up as 2012. She picked up her phone and went old school and dialled the number for time of day. The voice came on and she fell back into her chair. 'The time is 11:45 a.m. June 21, 2012.' She dropped the phone and fumbled to put it back on the receiver. She grabbed her bag and ran out of the office. Chuck saw her and called out her name. She looked at him with anger, fear and betrayal. Most of all she needed to know why he had such a huge effect on her.

Driving home every sign, billboard played with her mind. "How could they do this to me. Pretend that it was five years ago. Everything I stood for and believe in all a lie."

Sarah wasn't sure who to believe and though Quinn was someone she had not seen before, she seemed to know Chuck and Casey less. But again she was good at figuring people out and she couldn't see how they could be traitors, especially Chuck. She tossed her bag and grabbed the disc and slid it into her lap top. As the image came on the screen complete horror over came her as she was staring at herself. Her hair was different slightly but she never questioned it. She stared at herself as her voice spoke to her.

"Day 1, My mission is simple: find out what he knows, gain his trust, and monitor his actions until the agency can decide what to do with him. Day 21, Chuck came over to my hotel room today and brought me a pizza. Vegetarian, no olives. I think he's making it his mission to get to know me. It's sweet. Day 49. Chuck broke up with me today. Well, uh fake …fake broke up with me, technically. (Sarah on the video lowering her eyes). Day 56. Chuck and I were defusing a bomb today, and there was a moment where we were sure we were going to die. He closed his eyes, and …I kissed him. I kissed him. (Sarah shakes her head) Day 564. Things are calm for once. No missions, nothing…nothing really to report…except I still find myself sitting here, talking to myself, because I love him. I love Chuck Bartowski and I don't know what to do about it." (Sarah on the video sighs) The video fades then more confessions followed.

She continued to wipe her tears which started to fall with in the first half hour of listening to herself confess that she had feelings for him. How he had tried so hard to get to know her. That he was trying to live with something called the Intersect. She reflected on the most recent ones where she heard herself talk about finally being able to be with him. That they finally were able to express their love for each other.

"I slept with him? He loves me and I love him. We are married?"

She continued to watch to the very end as those entries were less than 10 minutes long. She focussed on the last few weeks around the time she woke up in LA. She listened to herself as maybe the only person she could trust was herself. And up to now it she had done a pretty good job of doing that. Sarah heard about Japan and them going after Nicholas Quinn. Her heart sank. Instantly memories flooded mostly flashes of her time on a train. Being passionate with someone. The disc stopped forcing her out of her thoughts. "It has to be a mistake. But who's right?"

"How am I suppose to feel? I have a husband? Chuck's my husband, but why? And Quinn? What did he do to me?"

Chuck entered the DC version of Castle and found Sarah pounding the punching bag. He knew that something wasn't right, when she pounded the bag like that. He walked in and hoped that maybe she had remembered something. He had been preparing himself for that day, running thousands of scenarios in his head. She looked up and saw a man that couldn't have been the same man she had heard herself talk about on the disc, that he wasn't a traitor. There was no way that she could lie like that. But she needed to know why the last few months were stolen or kept from her and why Quinn wanted him dead.

"Morning Sarah."

"Morning Chuck."

Sarah kept pounding the bag. "You need someone to hold the bag for you?"

She knew that he'd wouldn't leave so she nodded. Chuck smiled at her which made her feel uncomfortable but safe at the same time. He had that effect on her and since last night, it wasn't a big deal. Chuck stood holding the bag and her first punch she thought would make him stir but he didn't flinch. She pounded the bag then she did a few high kicks and then low kicks, still nothing which made her irritated. She turned and went higher. She stared at him which was a big mistake and she lost her focus. She swung her foot back as Chuck turned his head getting the tip of her shoe in his face. Chuck moved back, grabbing his face. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, at least it wasn't a slap."

Sarah looked at her as a short glitch of her slapping him at some point scared her. She ran off leaving Chuck rubbing his face.

End of the week

Sarah rolled over and looked at the clock and sleep finally got the best of her. But as she slept the nightmare began. "You're up good. Let's get started."

"Quinn, this isn't just going to end here."

"Shh, Don't. This is going my way from now on. No more screwups, no more left turns. The Intersect in your head is rotten. We're going to remove it with a suppression device. And then I'm sending you on a new mission to retrieve a pristine version of the program."

"I'm not working for you."

"You are. Until I get what I want, you're my soldier. And now you lose memories when you flash. These, (Quinn holding up a pile of flashcards) for want of better term, are flash cards. They may look like random images to someone who doesn't have the Intersect, but to you."

"What are you saying?"

"They're stimulants."

Quinn flashes the first card, Sarah screams and flooded memories seem to appear.

"Until I get what I want you're mine."

Sarah continued to scream, groan and flail.

Sarah woke up screaming grabbing her head. Her eyes hurt, they burned as if she had stared at the sun too long. Her body was covered in sweat. She got up and grabbed a glass of water. She couldn't decide or accept whether the dream was real. The words she heard herself say or the fact that Quinn did something to her memories, he now wanted her to kill Chuck. She grabbed some aspirin and got dress. She didn't want to meet with Quinn but if she didn't, he could end up doing something worse to Chuck. Even if she didn't remember them, remember him, she had to trust herself and what she heard and to believe that those words were truth.

She pulled up to his car and got out seeing that Quinn had the same smirk look on his face as he had in her nightmare. She had to play along, for her sake and for Chuck's life. She knew that he had no clue that she was starting to piece everything together and it all started with a coffee cup.

"Are we ready?"

"Yes."

"So what is your plan?"

"I'll tell him that we have a lead and that we need to check it out. He seems to go with everything so it won't be hard to convince him of that. Then I will take care of him."

"Good."

Sarah turns to head back to her car.

"Walker."

Sarah turns to face Quinn. "What if he runs?"

"He won't go far."

Quinn smiled.

"Is there anything else you need before I take him out."

Quinn looked at her.

"Anything else that Chuck might have on him or what he knows?"

"Why do you say that?"

Sarah realized that she might have said too much. "No reason, just making sure."

"That's what I like about you Walker, your very thorough." Sarah stepped closer to her car. "One more thing." Quinn added.

Quinn raised another card at her, it looked exactly like the one in her dream. "Walker, Omaha."

Sarah stared at the card and seemed to go into a trance. "Remember Agent Walker, your task is to kill Chuck Bartowski." Quinn put the card away assuming that she was still under his spell. Quinn drove off. Sarah got into her car and grabbed her gun and cocked it. She looked around then pulled down her sun visor and pointed her index finger into her eyes and took out colored contacts from them. She wasn't sure that it would work, but she didn't feel any different than when she arrived. 'You might have taken my memories but you don't know me.'

Sarah headed back and had to work fast. She had to do this her way. She found Chuck and he had no idea what was going on. She watched him for some time before she got the nerve to get him to go with her. She wondered how he could fake the last few months. He had her convinced that it was five years ago and all this time, he held back his feelings, his thoughts and the truth. She moved closer to where he was, knowing that this could have gone on even longer if she didn't drink coffee.

"Hi Chuck."

Chuck looked up. It never got old the way she said his name. But this time she was the one that had butterflies swirling inside her. "You busy?"

"No, why?"

"I got a call, possible lead, maybe wear this just in case." Sarah gave him a vest to wear.

"Shouldn't we call Casey, for back up?"

"We can in the car, we got to go now Chuck."

Chuck walked past her as she got into her car. She looked around hoping that no one was watching.

They drove out of DC as Sarah watched Chuck try to dial Casey. "Still no service. Are you sure this lead is promising?"

"Yeah, I haven't steered you wrong before have I?"

Chuck looked at her. "No."

Sarah was screaming inside but smiled at Chuck anyways. She drove out of DC down towards Virginia.

Sarah pulled off the main road and looked around. Chuck got out and looked at his phone. "Still no service."

He walked around to the front of the car. "Sarah are you sure that we're suppose to be here?"

"Chuck."

Chuck looked at Sarah. She stood there with a gun pointed at him. "Sarah what are you doing? Chuck went to look for his gun. Sarah pulled it out of her jacket. "You don't need it."

"What's going on?"

Sarah stared at him.

Chuck knew that this was a set up but he didn't know why. He stood facing her, staring down the eyes of a killer. The one he had heard about but rarely saw, except for the time that she shot that Fulcrum agent and lied about it. Her eyes focused on the kill and him only as the target. Chuck looked at her not sure what to say or whether it would make a difference. He knew that he was still a stranger to her yet, he knew everything about her. He hoped that he had made a difference working with her, on her turf and not in LA. He chose to be just another agent assigned with her, at least he got to see her everyday. He knew he had to pretend that he didn't know her, fake their relationship, which he had mastered years ago. He remembered Casey telling him that it was admirable what he was doing but right now luck was not on his side. Sarah looked at him at first with a look of regret but never flinched as the gun fired. The force made Chuck fall backwards. He thought to himself 'I am safe, I am wearing a vest. I learned that much from working with her'. The bullet tore through his skin ripping his insides out. He fell hard hitting his head on the cold ground, which was the least of his worries. He opened his eyes and saw her look over her shoulder, almost scanning the place, then she disappeared.

He heard her car speed away shooting dirt and rocks in his direction. Chuck rolled over when it was quiet, too quiet and slowly got up onto his feet. He looked around and knew that this wasn't over and he had to get out of there, if she knew he was still breathing. His side felt warm mixed with the sweat he ran his hand over the spot and saw blood. He staggered through the trees heading in the opposite direction that she came from. It reminded him of when he was in Thailand running away from the Belgium. The moon shining above him allowed him to see shapes and shadows but he knew that he was falling fast. He found a barn and pushed his way into it, walking to a far corner. Collapsing the last words he spoke was "Why Sarah?"

Chuck woke up to something poking him which startled him even more. He looked up to see an older man standing over him with a pitch fork. 'That must have been what was poking him' Chuck thought. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" The old man inquired. Then the man noticed the vest had been opened and Chuck holding his side. "You okay?" Chuck used his shoulder to help him sit up. "Well actually." Chuck barely started to explain when he saw the old man head to the door as his dog began to bark. The old man opened the door and saw a woman coming down over the hill. He came back. "There's a woman out there. She belong to you?"

"What does she look like?"

The old man went back to the door. "Blonde hair maybe 6 feet black boots very pretty."

Chuck thinking to himself. 'She's my girlfriend or fake girlfriend / wife. She was my fake girlfriend then girlfriend then wife and I guess we are still married.' Chuck looked at the old man. "That's my wife well technically yes and technically no."

"Well what is it." Chuck gave up. "She's my wife."

The old man came back. "And she did this to you?"

Chuck forced himself up. "Well yes, she's a CIA agent and well it's a long story. She's not one to bargain with and it looks like she's on a mission so if you by chance can help me up I will exit and you can tell her that you have no idea who I am or that I was even here."

The older man helped Chuck stand up and he tried to exit through another door. Just then Sarah kicked in the door. Chuck looked at her. "How did you?"

"I know how you think Chuck. There's no hiding from me."

Chuck turns. "Yes there is and I can prove it." Chuck hobbles off leaving Sarah to follow him. Chuck manages to move fairly quickly holding his side. "Chuck your going to continue to bleed out."

"No I'm not." Chuck cringed.

"Chuck stop!" Sarah yelled.

"No! With you here, your not done are you?"

Sarah looked again out into the darkness.

"We are leaving now Chuck."

Sarah looked at the old man. "You saw nothing, you will call no one."

"They wouldn't believe me even if I did tell someone." The old man replied.

"Do you have a car we can borrow?" Sarah nervously kept an eye on the trees. The old man gave Sarah his keys. "The clutch sticks a bit."

"Thanks, you can pick up your car in a few hours. I will leave it at the Briggs gas station."

The old man seemed okay with it. Maybe it was Sarah's tone or the concern she had on her face towards the man she had just shot, but the old man believed her. Sarah helped Chuck into the truck as he wasn't feeling the greatest then hurried to the driver's side. She started the truck and fiddled with the clutch as she saw Chuck holding his side. She pushed her hand into his shirt to take a look. "You will be fine, but you might pass out soon."

Chuck looked at her. "You shot me."

"I grazed you. If I'd wanted to kill you, I would have aimed more to the right."

Sarah drove out of the farm yard taking the grid road. She continued to keep her eye on the rear view mirror. She looked at Chuck, once before he passed out and spoke softly. "You will be okay." She touched his cheek, then grabbed the clutch and shifted into gear driving into the darkness.

She drove for an hour and watched the rear view mirror as much as she checked on Chuck who was still out. For some reason she knew that he was the strongest person she knew. But that he didn't have a strong tolerance for pain but how did she know that, unless she was starting to remember.

She drove into Briggs gas station and opened the door looking at Chuck. She opened his jacket and saw that he had stopped bleeding but moving him might not be the best move, but she couldn't stay here.

"Chuck wake up, we need to move."

Chuck opened his eyes but closed them again.

Sarah ran inside the gas station and quickly grabbed some bandages, bottled water, two bottles of vodka, some tweezers, paper towels, a sewing kit and other medical supplies, she might need. The cashier looked at her. Sarah piled the items on the counter then grabbed some cheese snacks, beer and two chocolate bars. Sarah slapped down some cash and grabbed the bags and headed out. She tossed the bags into another truck she had 'borrowed' and came back to grab Chuck. Sarah slipped the car keys into the gas tank and pulled Chuck out. "Walk with me Chuck, I need you to walk."

Chuck opened his eyes and walked with Sarah to another truck. Sarah got him inside slipping into the driver's side. She drove off into the darkness pulling into a motel. Sarah slipped into the office and got the farthest room away from the highway. She paid for two nights and grabbed another ice bucket and smiled at the young kid at the desk.

She drove around to the side and backed into the parking spot and helped Chuck inside. She laid him on the bed, then grabbed the stuff from the truck and came back. Closing the curtains and placing her gun on the side table. She sat him up and took his jacket off, the vest then ripped open his shirt. She stared at his chest despite what it looked like, she had to take some time to admire it. How could she not remember seeing this everyday, touching it.

She grabbed the extra ice bucket and filled it with warm water and came back, grabbing the vodka and the other items and carefully sterilized the tweezers with the vodka along with her knife and started to remove the bullet. But Chuck woke up and screamed. Sarah covered his face with her hand. He sat up slightly. "What are you doing?"

"I need to get the bullet out."

"The one you put in there."

"We have no time to waste, drink this."

She gave him the bottle and helped him drink at least half of it before she started again. Chuck continued to drink to numb everything including the pain. Sarah grabbed the sewing kit and carefully stitched him up. By now Chuck had passed out as Sarah took the bottle away, drinking the last ¾ cup of it herself. She cleaned him up running the cool face cloth over his chiselled stomach. She ran her fingers through his chest hairs, feeling them under her skin. She leaned in, aching to kiss him. She leaned closer and faintly touched his lips. She caressed his face. "Get some rest." She whispered.

She got up and shut the light off grabbed the chair in the corner and sat facing the door.

Sarah was startled out of her sleep. "Why are you here? It's obvious that your not done with me and whoever put you up to this he can go to –."

Sarah sat up and looked at him. "Chuck you don't understand."

"I understand completely, more than you know. Why didn't you finish me off? It would be easier to deal with than… "

"Chuck stopped talking. I couldn't go through it." Chuck stared her down and tried to get up. "And why not the veteran spy just developed a conscience."

Sarah didn't like his comment.

"No, I couldn't because your my husband."

Chuck looked at her and tried to get up but couldn't. He looked at her.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your my husband and something went wrong months ago and I was told to kill you."

"How, who?"

"Nicholas Quinn came to see me a week ago and something he said to me didn't sit right and he seemed to control me with a word."

"What word?"

"He said the word Omaha."

Chuck knew what it really meant but somehow Quinn had used it to create some kind of mind control some sort of suppressor. Which would explain Sarah not knowing who he was.

"I figured out that Quinn did something to me, when he came to talk to me about a side project. And when I saw who my target was I said why? He looked at me and told me that you and Casey were lying to me for 5 years. It started to make some sense, when I noticed the dates on the coffee cups that Williams was giving us. The date on the cups did not say 2007 but 2012. Then Quinn told me that you were a traitor and that you were selling Government secrets, something to do with an Intersect. I wondered how you would have time to sell secrets and when I saw Casey with an envelope I figured that he was your courier. So I took the envelope and headed home. When I opened it I saw that it was a disc. When I went to play it, it was all my mission reports."

"Yeah, you started making them when you came to LA."

"I watched myself talk about you, us, and when I fell for you what we went through and that we were thinking about starting a family."

Chuck wiped a tear. Sarah stood up and started to walk the room. "And now you lied to protect me and you came back to DC. Knowing that everything was a lie, that you had to fake not knowing me, loving me." She looked at him.

"I couldn't give you up, even if I wasn't with you I could still see you. I rather lose you temporarily and still see you everyday then not see you and lose you forever. And maybe something I did might trigger something."

"Quinn forced my hand." Chuck reached his hand out and Sarah slowly grabbed it and sat down.

"He made me swear that I would finish you off. So when we stopped I knew that we weren't alone, but I figure that I would have you run away at least then that would give me a reason to go after you, and not shoot you. But I heard them in the trees and he was standing in the shadows behind you."

"That's why you looked away, for a second time. He was there?"

"Yeah so I had to make a choice. Lose you forever and not know us or make it look like I killed you and maybe get a second chance to get back what we had."

"So that is why I was grazed as you put it."

"Yeah, it would show them that I could shoot you. And how I did it anyone would assume that the person was dead. I left to follow them and made sure that they didn't come back to check for a pulse. I came back and saw that you were gone. I followed you to the barn and knew that they weren't coming back. So that is why we are here."

"And Casey?"

"He will be here in awhile."

"He knew?"

"I had to tell someone, and he seemed to be the one that could keep a secret and for some reason I think that we have been through this a few hundred times or more."

"Yeah a few hundred or so." Chuck reached for her hand. "So why does Quinn want you so bad?"

Chuck squeezed her hand then looked at her. "You mean he didn't tell you?"

"No but I do remember that he told me something about what I had, wasn't what he wanted, he wanted what you had and he had to suppress my memories as payment for what you took from him. Then he told me that you were a threat. But how could you be a threat. Your the nicest and most kindest person I know. Your adorable."

Chuck looked up and smiled. "What's so funny.?"

"You told me that once on one of our real dates."

"Our real dates?"

"Yeah, we tried to go out beyond the cover of our relationship and we were at a Chinese restaurant, I said that I was adorable and you conquered."

They shared a moment.

"So Quinn?"

"I assume you know about what's in my head, and what you had as well."

"Yeah from what I told myself."

"Anyways beside you and Casey protecting me, Quinn believed that the Intersect was his given right. Long story, and when he found out who had it he did whatever he could to bring me down. He sent mercenaries after us. Then when that didn't work he took you in Japan and now I know for sure from what you told me he used some kind of suppressor on you and each step it wiped your memories."

Again Sarah looked confused.

Chuck continued to hold her hand. Sarah got up and looked at Chuck. She looked at him, then straddled his legs. Chuck leaned back. He looked at her, this time he saw his Sarah that had been lost, though she still was lost it was a start to coming back.

Sarah placed her hands on his chest and looked at her. Chuck held her face in his hands. They leaned closer, their lips barely touching. For her it was their first kiss, for Chuck it was a long over due kiss.

Their lips touched, and no one could say that it didn't mean something, but in truth it did. Sarah felt his lips continue to touch hers and she wanted more, more of him, all of him. Chuck pulled back and licked his lips. "I love to continue and show you."

Sarah silenced his lips. She leaned back and looked at his wound. "You need to rest."

She slid off and walked to the bathroom, as Chuck slid down into the bed grabbing the covers. He closed his eyes and saw her crawl into bed and lay down beside him. Then he felt her arm cover his chest. He looked down at her.

"Good night Chuck."

"Good night Sarah."