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Disclaimer: Potterfans Inc. was in a frenzied state, as the deadline neared to deliver the Standard Disclaimer (™). The President For Life and Founder of Potterfans Inc., one Triage, mysterious and unknown to all and sundry, was nowhere to be found, and the minions were in a tizzy as to what to do in the absence of the fearless leader (™). Emily King, Creative Writer, regular guest star of FanFiction DAWT net, adjusted her spectacles as she felt a moment of brilliance. "Yes, yes! I've got it!" exclaimed the excitable redhead.
"What is it?!" asked Nauze, Executive Editor, the Alpha Beta (™) of Omega Prints and another regular guest star of FanFiction DAWT net.
Abruptly, Emily thrust a stack of papers into Nauze's hands, swiping the glass of grape juice he was holding initially, and started pushing the surprised bloke towards the stage, just as Fred and George Weasley began lifting the curtains, and the entire world was audience to Nauze's impression of the deer-in-the-headlights look.
"Uhhhhh..." said Nauze, a bastion of originality.
"Is he broken?" asked Harry from the audience.
"He's FINE," said Emily tersely, and she nudged him before retreating to the safety of the backstage, and she hissed, "just read the paper already!"
Something snapped in Nauze, probably self-preservation instincts, and he glanced down at the stack of papers. It was really just the same sentence repeating itself over and over again for a few million lines. Someone was dedicated and had way too much time on their hands.
"We at Potterfans Inc. do hereby declare, w-with extreme prejudice...what?" Nauze looked questioningly at Emily, who made a wheeling motion with her hands, urging him to continue now that he'd started. With a sigh, Nauze did just that, "...with extreme prejudice, that we have no rights whatsoever, to the Harry Potter franchise. They all belong to J. K. Rowling, even if she has no clue what to do with it."
Emily barely suppressed her delighted squeal and gave Nauze a fervent two thumbs up, and the man graced her with a discomfited grimace. Then he noticed it...
The terrifying silence. The complete lack of a reaction to the jaw-dropping revelations made by the man. It was enough to make Emily poke her head around the curtains, and ask, "Did they all leave?"
"Hem-hem!" came a dreaded voice, and Emily screamed, launching a farting jinx at Dolores Umbridge as she fled back to the safety of Potterfans Tower, followed closely by an exasperated Nauze, while the audience broke into mindless chaos, and Daphne lobbed a coconut pie at Voldemort's face.
For some reason, Voldemort was transfigured into a noseless baboon.
Acknowledgement: Special thanks to my tireless beta, Nauze. Credit to Brutusand Liberty Prime (gomez36000)who offer a combination of moral support or input and corrections. Couldn't have made it this far without any of you!
Self Promotion: I have a Discord server on my profile. If you fancy joining, you can find me there.
Author's Note: Born of many a prompt. This is a tale of Harry and Fleur unlike any you have met before. A bold claim, from a clueless writer, no doubt. Nevertheless, the claim stands. This is a Harry and Fleur who will challenge the norms, and probably create some waves, provided this takes off. Please read and review. You know you want to.
Neverland Has Nothing On Us
By Triage
Year Unknown: Location Unknown
Prologue: The Monitor Universe
The Monitor Universe was a curious place. The reason for its name stemmed from their awareness of the existence of the multiverse, a nigh limitless array of realities that existed, following their own paths and destinies. Many would find such a fact daunting, or even overwhelming. But thanks to the artifact known as the Great Web of Reality, the wizards and witches who worked in the Department of Mysteries could oversee the various realities as individual beads or tiny stars, attached to threads that were interwoven with one another, forming the web.
In recent times, however, the Monitor Universe had begun searching through the Multiverse in earnest. There were signs of tempering in all realities. Someone or something had touched the Great Web of Reality, affixing the Multiverse with the powers of magic, destiny and purpose. To what end, though, none yet knew. Certainly not one Lucius Malfoy and Luna Lovegood of the Monitor Universe. Friends and veterans of their own great war against Voldemort and Phobos, the two had shortly after been inducted into the Department of Mysteries, to help them hopefully uncover the Great Web's mysteries.
This led them to what Lucius called the Wacky Universe. But his partner, Luna, was not quite so agreeable to that name.
"Well, what would you call it, then?" asked Lucius, "Everything here is so off-kilter that I am feeling a tad imbalanced."
"That's more because you're standing on a slope," said Luna placidly, "and you're leaning towards the downward end."
"So I am..." muttered the man, and with a quick wandless incantation, he was standing a good foot off the ground, even and balanced.
He looked at a smiling Luna, who apparently had been floating the whole time from the moment they'd bodily arrived at this universe. "Oh don't be so smug," snarked the man, "besides, the question remains unanswered. Based on what we've gleaned already from this most unconventional reality, what name would suit it better than Wacky?"
"Unique," said Luna plainly.
Rolling his eyes, Lucius said, "Oh come now, Luna, surely you can do better than that! You use that for every universe, and while not inaccurate, we cannot name them all the Unique Universe."
"Remember that you are unique, just like everyone else," said Luna with her dreamy smile, and her male companion sighed.
"So where on this Earth in the Wacky Universe are we, anyway? Asked Lucius as a change of subject, "and why did we come at night in a remote place on a hill? It's not like anyone can see us."
He studied the surroundings. It was almost familiar, but Lucius was not fond of the dark, and his discomfort prevented him from making the connection.
But most of all, it made him quite unaware of his immediate surroundings, or the little doppelganger of his companion standing directly behind him, until she announced her presence with a quiet, lilting, "Hello."
"AAAAIIIIIIEEE!" Lucius' scream sounded very much like a little girl's as he bravely leaped into Monitor Universe Luna's arms, and he held tightly to her, shaking in fright at whatever had just startled him.
The tiny Luna gave a soft giggle at Lucius' reaction and waved at him.
"Hello Luna," said the adult woman with a small smile.
"Hello Luna," replied the little girl. She seemed quite unperturbed to see an adult version of herself.
"Don't mind my friend," said adult Luna, "he's still scared of the dark."
The man had still not seen fit to move from his position, though now, embarrassment began to set in, and he finally relieved Luna of his weight, though, clearly she was fairly strong, and fortunately, Lucius wasn't particularly heavy.
"You're not from here, are you?" asked little Luna.
"Well of course not," said Lucius, "what was your first clue?"
"Well, you're much nicer than I remember."
"Let me guess, I'm an utter git and entitled imbecile?" said Lucius with a sense of resignation, and adult Luna swatted his arm lightly.
"Don't get hung up, again," said the woman, "they're not you."
"No, they just look exactly like me, have my name, and are married to a most beautiful woman, with an idiot for a son...most times."
After a moment, he shook his head, finally realizing something important. "Good gracious, how on Earth are you able to see us?"
"I didn't, at first." admitted the child Luna, "I just thought I felt someone, like when they use concealment charm. I said hello, to see if it were crumple-horned snorkacks, but it was something much, much more interesting."
"How charming." said Lucius in a dry tone, "I suppose my reaction tore down any veil thereafter."
"And now she can see us, excellent work as always, Lucius." said adult Luna as a mild jab at her friend.
"She came up behind me!" said Lucius defensively, "It was an ambush!"
"She couldn't see you," retorted adult Luna, "had you not panicked, she would have passed it off as most likely just an odd sensation she had. How old are you, Luna?"
"Eight."
The adult Luna froze. In every universe thus far, one of the constants was her mother's death around this time. This Luna hadn't experienced that yet, though her fascination for animals relatively unknown to anyone was already going strong. But if the...Wacky Universe was anything like her own, this Luna will discover and prove the existence of the creatures, to Hermione's chagrin.
At the adult Luna's hesitation, the young girl began to look a little nervous, "Are you going to make me forget?"
Lucius' face becomes compassionate and he kneels down next to the young Luna of this universe and smiles at her, "Not at all, Miss Lovegood..." and exchanges a glance with the Monitor Universe counterpart, "...but...you may want to, eventually."
"Can I tell my mummy and daddy?" asked little Luna, excited.
It was adult Luna that looked pensive, and she privately Sends to Lucius, What if my...her mother believes her? What if her father believes her?!
Well unless you want to obliviate her, we had better find an alternative! replied Lucius in the same way.
To little Luna, it looked like the adults eyes were gleaming and glinting like twinkling stars, and she thought it was quite wonderful, if the dreamy smile of hers was anything to go by.
"Perhaps it is best to keep this one a secret," said adult Luna, "we will not be here very long."
"Will I see you again?" little Luna didn't seem to be too disappointed, which the Monitor Universe adults noted.
"Here and there, if you're paying attention," said adult Luna, and she had no doubt that little Luna likely would.
"That will be nice. I only have one person I call a friend right now. She lives nearby. Would you be my friends too?"
"Yes," said Lucius, answering ahead of his companion, and giving little Luna a strange look, "of course."
Accepting that, the little girl beamed at the tall man, and she reached out to take his hand, and adult Luna's and together, they walked her back, quietly, exchanging a glance with each other, until they reached the edges of the wards of the Lovegood homestead. Although their magics could easily mitigate or bypass any detections, with little Luna holding on to them, such attempts at evasion could have untold results, and neither of the adults were willing to risk the child's life.
Knowing that this was as far as they were willing to go, the little girl turned and hugged them both in turn, "Good bye, and good night. I hope I'll see you again soon."
When she left, Luna turned to look at her friend, saying, "That was very kind of you."
"You say that as if I would have scoffed at the child," retorted Lucius, "I know your history, my dear...and I do know what befalls her soon."
He gave Luna a sympathetic pat on her shoulder, and turned to leave. "Now let's see this world's Harry Potter. He should be around nine years old now, shouldn't he?"
Nodding, Luna said, "Yes, that's right. But this one has some exceptional abilities because of his circumstances."
"Oh how lovely," drawled Lucius, "More wackiness."
"Oh stop it. You're enjoying this."
"Just a little." agreed the man.
~ O ~
"BOY!" roared Vernon Dursley, his face an unhealthy shade of puce, "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU...!"
"Bring him this way, sweetie!" yelled Petunia, brandishing a frying pan and stood near the entrance to the kitchen and dining room.
Though it was a waste of time, little Harry tried his best to escape his furious aunt and uncle anyway. It was an effort in futility and delaying the inevitable. But if it spared him from pain for a few moments longer, Harry considered it worthwhile.
When he got back from school today, he knew he was in for it. More of his...freakishness...came out today. Dudley and his gang had been playing their favourite pastime of Beating Harry Up, only, today, Harry had somehow ended up on the rooftop of the school. He was so surprised that he stumbled backwards, lost his footing, and fell. The nearby tree branches broke the worst of his fall, but he completed his journey to the ground by landing right on top of Dudley.
Now while Harry was certainly scrawny, light, and borderline starving, a falling child still brought something considerable to the table, especially when gravity had a say on the matter, and thus, Dudley earned his first concussion...from Harry Potter, no less. Poor Harry had no real means to justify or explain this in any way, that the Dursleys would not view it disfavorably.
Which brought everything back to the present, where young Harry was scurrying under the clumsy swings of a walrus and the wild waving of a frying pan wielded by a mutated giraffe. Thanks to the years of fleeing a gang of adolescent bullies for as long as he can remember, Harry was quite adept at evasion, even in tight spaces, like a household with narrow corridors. But sadly, for all that skill he had accumulated, he was outnumbered, and he was running on empty after a harrowing day at school, and that was why he found himself quite aggressively introducing his forehead to Petunia's beloved frying pan with fairly impressive force.
As he lay on the floor, his vision spinning, glasses askew, and Vernon gleefully declaring his unearned victory and promising more misery for days to come, Harry Potter did wonder why smoke filled his vision. Well, he knew he would never be called sharp-eyed, but who ever heard of smoke-eyed? And what was that strange voice he heard? Perhaps a hallucination induced by that concussion, courtesy of Petunia? He gave Dudley a concussion, and now he had one himself. Give and take, such was the way of life.
Such was his state of confusion, that he hadn't even noticed when the Dursleys had tired of punishing the boy. They probably thought it less fun since he did not once even cry out or beg for it to stop. Really, he barely felt anything, and so he was unceremoniously dumped in his room in the cupboard under the stairs, limbs splayed and tangled up, and he eventually tried to adjust himself to a more comfortable position when he heard the voice in his head again.
It was a...well, it was almost sibilant, yet reedy, and even a little...wheezy. And it said, quite eloquently, one might add, "Ohhh dude, you all right, bro?"
Now Harry was a sensible boy. Very sensible. So, he did what any sensible boy would do when they heard a stranger's voice in their heads, and he replied with, "AAAAAHHH!"
"Whoa whoa, chill out little dude, you're totally messin' with the zen space." said the voice.
"PIPE DOWN, BOY!" roared Vernon, for it was the Dursley family TV time, and one never interrupted a Dursley's TV time, "ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU, AND I WILL REALLY GIVE YOU WHAT FOR!"
Given all that was happening to him, one would not fault Harry for hyperventilating. "Who...who are you?" asked Harry, because, as mentioned before, he was quite a sensible boy...most times. That was why he realized, to avoid more Vernon time, he had to reduce his voice to a whisper.
"Oh Volde...uh...Volde-something...maybe just call me V, that's easy enough, yeah."
For reasons unknown to Harry, he suddenly saw a wiry man with slightly grey and scaly skin, a curious cigarette in his hand, and he was reclining on a bean bag chair, taking a puff of smoke, and exhaling bluish-grey rings of smoke upwards into the air. He also made loud and obnoxious sucking noises and loud exhales, followed with an "Ahhhh" of purest satisfaction.
"So how you feelin', little dude? What do they call you?" asked V or Volde-something.
"Mostly boy, or you! Or Freak!" was the blithe reply.
V shook his head, and said, "Aw that ain't cool, yo. But c'mon, I'm sure you got a name, heh heh..."
He chuckled abruptly, and then added, "I ain't gonna remember it tomorrow, but humour me, little dude. I've been asleep for soooo long...mmh! You got no idea how bad of a crick in the neck I've got."
Now this made Harry frown, because why would V have a crick in the neck? And how long was he asleep?
"H-Harry. Harry Potter."
"Righteous, bro," said V, "I dig it. H-Harry Harry Potter. That's real cool."
Frowning again, Harry wondered not for the first time, just how badly he was injured, because even to a nine year old boy, V seemed quite strange, and far too real.
"Hey, so little dude, lissen', I dunno for sure, but you wanna do somethin' cool?" Harry seemed to envision V in that bean bag chair, looking expectantly at the boy, from inside his head.
"Uhm...okay?"
"Right on...so, yea, jus' like...follow these simple rules, 'kay? Then you gonna have a load of fun. First, you gotta, like, feel this...aura in yourself."
"What?"
V frowned, then sat up a little, "Right, think of it as like this warm, fuzzy feelin' inside you. It's...magic. You embrace the feelin'."
It sounded all rather silly to Harry, but he did try what he was told.
"Eyy, right on, little dude! You got it!" cheered V, "So, like, it's real dark in here, and I can't see much. Why don't we shed some light. Just, just imagine your hand as all glowy, and like, really want it. Want the light. You got this, little dude."
What on Earth am I doing?! thought Harry, feeling oddly silly now.
"I told you, little dude," said V, "You're doin' magic."
Realizing that V can seemingly hear his thoughts, he resorted to thinking his answers rather than speaking out loud. The better to avoid Vernon's wrath, But...magic's not real...is it?
"Course it's real, ma man," said V, sounding slightly annoyed at the question, "What do ya think you're doin' when you make things happen by themselves? Magic!"
At that declaration, a small ball of blue fire appears in V's hand that Harry can see in his mind. With a mental as well as physical shrug, the boy began to focus on finding that deep well of power within himself...at least, that was how he imagined it, and began to focus on his palm, where he willed it to glow bright.
To his amazement, he found he could see his right palm in the darkness, but it only lasted for a split second, and then it was gone. For all he knew, he could have imagined it.
"Naw, little dude," said V, "it happened. Righteous..."
But it only lasted for a second, thought Harry, quite disappointed.
"Chillax, bro, it's your first time. You'll get there...just gotta keep at it."
Taking heart from that encouragement, Harry smiled, and thought, Thanks V.
"Ey, anytime, little dude."
So that was how Harry and the man who lived in his head began their friendship. It was certainly bizarre and strange, but how much more bizarre was it from accidentally teleporting to the top of a school? Deciding not to overthink it or question it, Harry figured he was completely mad, or he was utterly sane and this was all really happening. Either way, the day finally caught up to the young boy, and he fell asleep, drawing an odd comfort from hearing V smoking audibly.
Additional A/N:
The method of my disclaimer may seem familiar to some of you. And if it is, that's because it was intentional. I was emulating the style of one of my favourite writers, one Bobmin356, who was in many ways, my first true foray into the wonderful worlds of Harry Potter fanfictions. Some may find his stories and tones dated or even tired, after numerous fics. But the late writer will forever hold a place in my heart, and his ideas and concepts are stuff I still refer to up till now, and I will always find them inspiring and enlightening. Alyx, if you ever read this, I just wanna say, your husband's legacy will never be forgotten, and I hope you are doing well wherever you are. This story is partly a tribute to you and all you wonderful writers out there.
No matter how silly you find it to be, I urge you to write the story brewing in your heads. Remember that we are often our own worst critics. And the truth is, for every one person that writes and expresses hatred for the tale, a hundred people have read your words, and smiled. Just remember that, if nothing else.
To that end, if you enjoyed this chapter, do please consider spoiling me with a review. It would make my day. If you didn't enjoy it, I'm terribly sorry, but I guess this story is probably not for you. So don't force yourself to go through more of it.