I leaned back against the wall as the strobe lights flashed across the dance floor. After receiving a text from Annie (of all people), I found myself in a nightclub surrounded by sweaty bodies that pulsed along to the bass. Balancing my drink in one hand, I pulled my skirt down with my other hand. Hearing from Annie had been the last thing I expected, yet somehow, I had been unable to refuse her invitation to the club. After all, she had been nothing but sweet to me at Sawyer's party - and Renee was more than encouraging of any effort to participate in the local social scene. I suppose she thought it would make it harder for me to leave Florida.

I took a long pull from my drink and scanned the dance floor. Annie was surrounded by several girls I had met earlier, and Sawyer orbited their group like a satellite. Observing. Protecting from any untoward advances from other men. The smiles on each of their faces were radiant. I finished my drink and set the plastic cup gently on the bar.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

I looked over with slight surprise. Tall-dark-and-not-so-handsome's offer didn't particularly interest me, yet I found myself nodding. He signaled to the bartender, who quickly took our order - rum and coke for him, and cherry vodka sour for me. I watched her make both drinks and immediately picked my cup as she set it down - you couldn't be too careful.

"I'm Mike - what's your name?"

My hand flew to my mouth to cover the snort that gracelessly flew out. "Bella." I choked as I tried to stifle the laughter. He smiled, not to be deterred.

"Are you having fun tonight?"

"Yes - sorry, I guess I'm a little tipsy." Truthfully, I wasn't too tipsy. Recently, lies had a tendency of flowing from my mouth like rain from the sky in Forks. I pondered this new character flaw while he laughed.

"Me too. Would you like to dance?"

"Yes." Nope.

He grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor. I did another scan for Annie and Sawyer - we weren't too far away from them, and this was acceptable. I felt the vibration from the music in my chest. Mike kept hold of one hand and we swayed to the music. He slowly closed the distance between us.

"I've been watching you for a bit. Standing on the wall. I've been dying to get you out on this dance floor." Was there something about boys named Mike that made them cheesy and slightly insufferable? I smiled in response. The heat from his proximity created a reaction in my body. I felt a slight flush creep up my chest. I missed being close to somebody.

"I noticed you too."

I placed my hand around his neck, pulling him closer. I took a long sip from my cup with my free hand. He wrapped his arms around my waist as we danced along to the beat.

"I've always had a thing for blondes."

"I bet." Giggle. Gag. Whatever.

He leaned in to kiss my neck. It was so warm - too warm. I lifted my neck to allow additional access. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander as he started to grind on me, leaving a trail of wet kisses down my neck.

Wandering hands.

"So beautiful."

Painfully-chaste-wandering-hands.

"Edward." I hummed.

"We have to stop."

Anger.

"You're so hot, baby."

Grabbing hands.

"Don't stop."

"You couldn't pay me."

So warm. Too warm. Not my Edward, not the meadow; instead, a messy college dorm, and warm hands that never stopped.

"I love you." His breath was hot in my ear.

"Yes - please." Fumbling to pull off jeans and lift my dress. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you."

Heavy breathing. Room spinning. Pressure. And suddenly - nothing.

Cold.

Lonely.

"I'm sorry. It's not usually like that."

Pulling down my dress.

The strobing light was making me dizzy. I untangled my arm from his neck, but Mike remained close. He exhaled in my ear and I inadvertently backed up.

"Come back babe. You're too far."

I frowned. He noticed, and tightened his grip around my waist, keeping me close. I was too hot.

"I think I need a break."

"We're just dancing - c'mon." He gave a tight smile.

I tried pulling back without success. His arms were solid behind me. I panicked and followed instinct. I tossed my drink at him.

"Bitch!"

Effective - he released his grip and I stumbled back, the liquid dripping off of his hair and staining his shirt. My body met resistance. I turned my head back to see Sawyer, who looked angry. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm alright."

Mike looked up at Sawyer, and continued cussing. Sawyer put his arm around my shoulder and I let him lead me back towards the bar. I ordered a fresh drink, and we joined the rest of the girls on the dance floor. This time, I kept close to the group. Safe.

"I can't really explain it. I was interested, and then I just. Wasn't." I sighed as I finished recounting the story in my second to last therapy session with Ruth. I settled back into the chair. While I was talking, I had inadvertently leaned forward.

"Were you intimate with Jacob?"

"No."

"Is there any particular reason?" Her face was composed and neutral.

I shrugged. "I just. I wanted to feel that way, but I don't think I ever got there. I thought we needed time. But I guess it was too much time."

"Are you interested in sex? Is it something you enjoy?" I felt the anxious fire start in my chest, and I took three deep breaths. Ruth remained composed. The burning receded.

"Yes - I've done it. It was okay. It just wasn't the same as I thought it'd be. You know how you're with someone and it's exciting and sexy, you feel it like. Inside? It was only like that once."

She nodded. "Was this with Edward?"

"Yes." I released a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Did you enjoy sex when you were with Edward?"

"He wouldn't have it with me. I mean. I wanted to - trust me." I laughed despite myself. "We never got beyond making out."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Angry. Horny. Weak."

"Weak?" She raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow.

I bit my lip and took a deep breath. "Yeah. For wanting it so badly. He was always very proper." Exhale.

"Sexual feelings or desires don't make you weak. Sex is different for every couple and in every relationship. But let's explore some of the things we've discussed about your relationship with Edward. That relationship has shaped a lot of the ways you approach other partners and potential partners." She paused, and I nodded. "You've mentioned feeling weak, inferior, inadequate. Do you feel like the relationship you had with Edward was balanced?"

Balanced? "When you put it that way, no - I guess not." Balanced. Of course not. Again, how could I compete with an eternal existence - the knowledge and experience of so many years lived, the beauty of the world. My limited and questionable existence paled in comparison. Plain, silly Bella. I was exhausted just thinking about that.

"Healthy relationships have a balance to them - a give and take, where both partners feel that their input is valued and respected. Do you feel like your feelings and thoughts were valued in that relationship?"

Stop, stop, stop! I exhaled in a huff and ran my hands through my hair. I knew that she wasn't working with the entire truth - after all, I felt that the issues Edward and I faced weren't typical. A vampire. A human. Co-existence? Impossible. Valued? Once upon a time. No longer. Perhaps that was why I was truly ruined for everything else. Then again, perhaps the difference in existence was an excuse for the devastating truth - incompatibility.

"My world is not for you."

"I am not human."

"I'll always love you… in a way."

In a way. I was drowning and gasped for breath. Ruth pulled me out of my reverie. "Take three deep breaths." Inhale, exhale, rinse, repeat. I couldn't do it again - give my heart and soul to anyone. It was over, done. The finality rang through to my core. She frowned and leaned forward.

"I'm okay." Will I ever be okay again? "No. It wasn't balanced." She nodded and settled back in her chair.

"Your thoughts and feelings are valid, and your partner should respect that. If there is a mismatch, it is very difficult to create a healthy relationship."

I nodded. Healthy. Healthy. It seemed like a good goal, but how to achieve it?

"How do you feel about your medication right now?" The subject change helped me regain my composure, yet, made me wonder if either one of us were able to handle the breadth of my issues.

"Good, I think?" I replied, nodding my head to offer some support in my questioning statement.

"That's good, Bella. I think we've covered some important topics today. For this week I'd like you to think about what you'd like from your future relationships, and we can discuss it."