I crossed my legs as I sat on my bed. A notebook rested on my lap, and I tapped a pen against my mouth. I tested out the strength of the plastic casing with my teeth. The to-do list stared back at me, mostly complete. I managed to select classes, purchase books, find a house to rent, pack my shit, and mapped my driving route. It was roughly 16 hours, which I aimed to tackle across two days. I found a midway point to stop for the night in North Carolina. It was incredible what the internet could accomplish. One item remained.
The pen cracked in my mouth and I wiped the ink away with my hand. I rubbed the bit of liquid between my fingers and let the dark blue seep into my skin. What do you want from your future relationships? I had managed to skirt this topic in my last session, but I knew it would come up today. The last item on my list to close out this turbulent chapter of my life. I scribbled with the busted pen: Balance. Honesty. To be desired. A healthy sex life. For my opinion and thoughts to matter. To be strong. Brave. I scoffed at my list and threw the pen at the wall. I didn't understand why it mattered - even if I managed to get rid of the storm cloud of him hovering over my head, I was still left with the maelstrom that was me. I could construct my walls to protect myself and the ones I loved - Renee, Phil, Sawyer, but the thought of adding a door into one of my walls was too much. A carefully constructed house with no doors. A door would only reveal the ink covered walls and shambled interior. I could manage myself and be okay. But no-one else. No doors.
Today was my last day in Florida. One more therapy session, one last post head-shrinking happy hour with Sawyer, and one final dinner with Renee and Phil. She had remained cool towards me after Sawyer's party, of course disappointed that I was actually leaving. There wasn't anything I could do about that.
"Bella, I'm very proud of your list!" Ruth exclaimed with a large grin.
I found myself smiling back, and a warm feeling expanded in my chest. The last person to tell me they were proud was Charlie, at my college graduation. My eyes started stinging with the memory. Would he still be proud of me? I missed him so much. A tear slipped from my eye and I quickly wiped it away. "Thanks. I thought about it on and off this week. I don't know if I'm ready to date or do anything with the list. But, at least I have it now I guess."
"You don't have to go out and start dating if you don't want to. The point is, you know what you want for yourself. You don't need to date anyone to achieve the items on this list. For example - balance and honesty - these are things that you can do for yourself. You've already tackled bravery just by meeting with me and discussing all of this." She paused. "You can be what you need, Bella."
I could be what I needed, and that was precisely my plan. Be what I needed. I nodded.
"Have you found a new counselor? I'm sorry you're moving, but I'm excited for you - I think this will be good for you."
"About that…" I shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't. I thought I could settle in, and then find a new one if I felt like I needed to?" I wasn't sure why there was a question - it had definitely been my plan from the start. I suddenly felt fear at the thought of letting her down. The feeling I got when she said she was proud of me was mildly addicting, and the thought of sudden disapproval was crushing. Her face remained neutral, and I held my breath.
"That's understandable. Have you found a general physician?"
Exhale. The question surprised me. "No, I haven't. Do I need one?"
"Yes - you will need a doctor to continue to prescribe your anti-depressant and monitor your overall health since you are taking medication. It doesn't need to be anything as time intensive as therapy, but I do think you should continue taking it especially as you make this transition."
I couldn't detect any disappointment, and I slowly relaxed my body. I could manage that. The conversation was lighter as we wrapped up our final session. With a handshake and goodbye, I made my way out into the afternoon sun to meet Sawyer.
I took a deep breath as my eyes followed the dancing light that reflected off of the office building. Sawyer sat on the bench and smiled when he saw me. The tiny prisms danced across his skin and I returned the smile. My mind briefly flashed to a vision of Edward and summer and the meadow - I quickly blinked and shook my head, letting the image slowly disintegrate, like erasing an etch-a-sketch. Sawyer extended a hand with a lit cigarette, and patted the space next to him with his free hand. I smiled.
"Blond B, come! It's time for our final happy hour. How are you feeling?"
I sat and grabbed the cigarette. I took a long drag. "Tired. Ready. I think?" Exhale.
He lit his own cigarette. "Understandable. Are we ever really ready to embrace the unknown?" I shrugged. We sat in a comfortable silence, flicking cigarette ash in an alternating pattern. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. A green shirt hugged the contours of his body, his form was loose and relaxed. I looked down at my flowy red top and my leg bouncing out of habit. We were opposites in so many ways.
"We look like Christmas."
He laughed and turned towards me. "All we're missing is a tree, lights, and some mistletoe." I blushed as he stood, stubbing out his cigarette on the asphalt before tossing the butt into the parking lot. "Ready for drinks?"
"Always."
We drove separately to the same gastropub we went to on the day we met. We sat at the bar, and he ordered our drinks - a beer for him, and the fancy gin cocktail with the rose petal for me. The bar was quiet, the service quick. The bartender set down our drinks and started cutting lemons at the end of the counter. I turned towards Sawyer and raised my glass. "To new beginnings?"
"New beginnings!" He replied, clinking his glass into mine. We both drank, and the alcohol left a hushed blaze down my throat and into my stomach.
Sawyer put his hand on my shoulder and leaned in. "I'm gonna miss you. I'm glad we got to meet."
"Me too. Thank you for being there. I don't know how I would have made it through this summer without you."
He removed his hand and picked up his beer. "You woulda been fine." He chuckled. "But I kinda feel the same way. Who is going to drink with me after therapy now?"
"I guess you'll just have to bewitch another distraught girl running out of the building." I giggled. "Or, you could always invite Annie?"
"I'll make you a deal."
"A deal?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes. I'll ask Annie out. But I want a promise in return."
I picked up my glass, and waved him on with my free hand.
"If I'm going to try, you should too. Don't isolate yourself when you get there. Make friends. Be young." His voice was upbeat and he seemed to peer into my soul with those blue eyes of his. He raised his glass again.
"I'll drink to that." Another clink of glasses, and we settled into an easy conversation about endings and beginnings and the art of moving on.
Dinner with Renee and Phil was a quiet affair. A combination of Renee's sadness about my leaving, Phil's awkwardness around Renee's sadness, and my own buzz - a mix from alcohol and emotion, each contributed to the thick atmosphere that settled around us at the dinner table.
"What time are you leaving in the morning, Bella?" Phil asked between bites of pasta. He had picked up dinner from a local restaurant nearby so no one had to cook. I was thankful he broke the silence.
"I think around 6:30, if I don't snooze the alarm too many times." I pushed the pasta around my plate with a fork. I wasn't very hungry.
"Oh man, that really is early. We can definitely get up and make some coffee for the road, right, Nae?"
Renee sniffled, and nodded. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
"Mom…Don't cry. It's okay, I'm going to be fine. I'll call you all the time, we can email and write letters, video chat…" She nodded her head and wiped the tears away with a napkin. "And really, you guys don't have to get up in the morning. I can make my own coffee. Sleep in, I know I would." I let out a small laugh. The right corner of her mouth tugged up, revealing a small smile.
After we finished eating, Phil cleared the table, disposing of the plastic containers. I stood and stretched, and took one long look around the house. It would be awhile before I was here again. Phil came up on my side and embraced me in a deep bear hug. I relished the feeling of strength and warmth in his arms. He reminded me of Charlie in a way. When he released me from the hug a brief empty feeling took over. I quickly turned to Renee and pulled her in close. Despite our differences, the strain, and strangled emotions, she was still home. Still my mother.
"I love you, baby. I just want you to be happy." Her voice was thick as she whispered into my ear. "Be happy, Bella. And know you can always come home." I squeezed her tight into my arms, never wanting to let go.
I checked the clock as I settled into my car. 6:40 AM. The sky slowly transitioned from inky blues and purples into a glowing orange. I took a deep breath. Everything was packed in my car, the gas tank was full, and I had a large travel mug full of coffee. All I needed to do was start the car and drive. Are you sure? Always come home. I started the car and backed out of the driveway. I held my foot on the brake once I was out of the driveway. I looked back at the house and the quiet street with happy families still tucked in bed, nice cars in driveways, and manicured lawns. A sudden warmth exploded in my chest, and I could feel the heavy beats of my heart. With a shaky hand, I shifted the car into drive and watched the perfect neighborhood shrink in my rear view mirror.
A/N: This closes out the first act of the story. Thank you to all who are reading and to those who leave reviews. I am so happy to share this story with you, and am looking forward to the next bit of this journey. Most of the chapter titles are borrowed from music that has inspired me while writing or bits from the chapters. The title of this chapter is borrowed from one of my favorite literary quotes which reminded me of Bella's journey in this story.
"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart.
I am, I am, I am."
-Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar, p.243)