Two weeks after Olivia walked away from him at Fin's non-wedding and Elliot is finally taking a moment to breathe. With Morales' betrayal and Angela's death and the fight against the Feds to keep the case, to say that things have been chaotic would be an understatement.
So there's barely been a chance to see Liv, to speak to her. He's been subsisting on the odd text from her here and there and longing for more.
It's past midnight and too late to call, though all he really wants to hear is the sound of her voice. He's too keyed up to sleep and thinks she's the one person that could help. He fiddles with his phone and finally opens his voice memos.
He still has the voicemails she left him all those years ago. Whenever the pain of missing her became overwhelming, he'd pull out his phone and listen to her voice. It was a double-edged sword, hearing her pain, her concern. And yet, having it as one of the few tangible mementos of her, it was worth it. He'd close his eyes and see her face and pretend he hadn't fucked up the thing he needed most in his life.
He'd worked hard to keep those voicemails. Googling how to save them onto a hard drive, transferring them from phone to phone so he had her, always at his fingertips.
And when she'd left him that first message after he'd come back, he'd hung on to that too. Now he's not sure he'll ever be able to delete a message from her again. He'll build a catalogue of her voice so he's never too far from her.
He can't imagine willingly leaving her again. But life has proven too short, too unpredictable. Especially when it comes to her and them and what may have been. So he keeps these breadcrumbs, just in case. Because if anyone had asked him before if he would willingly walk away from her, he would have denied any possibility of it. But now he knows better and he can't take chances with precious memories.
He lays down, turns out the light, hits play on the recording. "Elliot, it's me."
Olivia's one weekly ritual for herself is her manicure. She tries her damndest never to miss it. An hour to sit back and take a breather. She loves the way it feels when her nails are freshly done. Like she's ready to tackle the week ahead. She's just stepping out of the salon when her phone rings.
"Amanda? I thought Kat was working this weekend."
"Liv, hey. She is. I actually wanted to see if you have time for a coffee?"
Olivia frowns slightly with worry. Amanda only asks for a coffee date when something is really bugging her. "Yeah, sure."
They meet at the usual place and Olivia can read the nerves on the detective's face immediately.
"Everything ok?"
Amanda shakes her head, scrunches her nose. "Yeah...I just...I'm dying to talk about something." She is nearly gushing. "And ya know...I could use some...advice?"
Liv laughs softly, sipping at her coffee as Amanda seems to struggle for words.
"I kissed Carisi." Amanda confesses.
Liv blinks at her, slowly puts down her coffee mug. "Ok…"
Amanda stares at her like it should mean something. "Is this...new?" Liv asks with confusion.
Amanda guffaws, "Of course it's new!"
"Ok…" Liv placates. "Because I guess I thought that you two…"
"No! I mean we've never...we haven't-" Amanda flusters then pauses. "Wait. You thought we were together?"
"Um...yeah."
"Since when?!"
Liv shakes her head. "I dunno...awhile?"
"And what? That was ok?" Amanda sits back in her chair, looking confused.
"Well sure. It's not like your partners anymore. There's no reporting structure."
Amanda runs her fingers through her hair. "So I guess there's no problem…" she glances away.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Liv asks, eyebrows raised.
Amanda sits forward. "I...I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
Liv laughs, lifts her palms. "Ok wait. If you two haven't been dating, what is the nature of your relationship?"
"We're friends!" Amanda defends.
"He 'takes care of your kids and cooks you dinner and you spend major holidays together' type of friends?" Liv points out as she takes another sip of coffee.
Amanda laughs, speechless.
"Well, you look happy." Liv prods gently. "So if you want my advice, stop overthinking it."
Amanda blows out a puff of air and nods. "You know I definitely thought this would be more of a revelation."
Olivia laughs, "Would you like me to hold your hands and squeal?" Amanda joins in with Liv's laughter and they fall into a comfortable silence.
"Ya know...I kissed him at Fin and Phoebe's non-wedding and well...seems like you had a moment there yourself with Detective Stabler?"
Liv raises her eyebrows then glances away in discomfort. "I don't know that moment is the word I'd use."
Amanda leans forward. "You know what, I could really use a revelation. So tell me, what exactly is going on there?"
Olivia laughs uncomfortably, pushes a finger against her temple. "He's in mourning. There's nothing going on there."
"Pfft yeah, ok. I mean I've seen you two together all of twice and there is something going on there."
Olivia waves her hand. "There's just a lot of history."
Amanda clears her throat pointedly. "History?"
Olivia frowns at her. "Not that kind."
"Then what?"
Olivia searches for words. "We were always close and when he left…" Olivia pauses, clears her throat and blinks, "He didn't say goodbye." It's an oversimplification, but saying anything more feels exhausting, so she stops, fiddles with her coffee cup.
But Amanda seems to understand. "When Carisi left for the ADA's office, I felt...betrayed? So I think I get it…"
They sit in silence for a long moment before Amanda speaks again. "Liv...if he makes you happy-"
"It's not like that." Olivia insists.
"Then what's it like?"
In truth, she has no idea. She's not even sure what she wants it to be like. And thinking of it always leaves her with an abundance of questions and no answers. The question hangs between them in a dead silence.
Liv's phone rings, breaking through the deadlock. She glances down and Amanda can see the caller ID screaming Elliot's name. "Speak of the devil." Amanda teases, "Answer it!"
Olivia shakes her head but picks up the phone.
"Hey"
"Liv...you busy? Could you help me out with something?"
"Everything ok?" Olivia shifts into fix it mode without a thought.
"Well Kathleen was supposed to go shopping for the new apartment with me and then she had to work. And I'm clueless."
Liv laughs in relief and glances up at Amanda who had heard enough to eagerly mouth "Go" at Olivia.
"Where should I meet you?" She asks with a smile.
As she gets up from the table, Amanda touches her hand. "My advice...stop overthinking it."
Olivia shakes her head softly and heads out.
"God, you are clueless." Liv teases as she takes the shaggy pillow out of his hands and puts it back in the pile.
"What? Kathleen has a pillow like that."
"Well it can work for Kathleen but it definitely doesn't work for you. I cannot picture that in your apartment."
"What can you picture in my apartment?" Elliot's voice is quiet, almost husky. She looks over at him, the change in the tone of his voice catching her attention. His eyes have this soft look in them as he stares at her and she blinks in surprise.
She takes a breath, "Something more….masculine."
He smiles and it stirs something in her chest. "Masculine is good."
She laughs, rolls her eyes. "Well that pillow isn't what you're looking for then. What else do you need?" She feels an urgent desire to change the direction of the conversation. Veer it away from what seems to be a dangerous precipice.
He's still looking at her and nerves settle into the pit of her stomach at the glazed look in his eyes. It's almost a gentler version of the way he looked at her during the intervention, right before he'd said something she never thought she'd hear. For a second she thinks he'll say it again and the thought makes it hard for her to breathe. She can't think clearly enough to even know if she wants to hear him say it again.
But he snaps out of it, his eyes darting to the cart full of items. He scratches at his chin, juts his jaw forward and shakes his head. "I think buying half the store is plenty." He jokes mildly before he turns back to her. "You have to pick up Noah, right?"
She glances at her watch and nods. "I should head out in a few minutes."
"Well, I can take you guys for dinner. A thank you."
The thought of Elliot actually meeting Noah makes her anxious in ways she can't describe. So she shakes her head, apologetic. "Another time." And he takes it in stride.
"How about later this week? Just us?" He gives her a hopeful look and she can't decide how to interpret it.
"Yeah…" she exhales because she wants to see him, as nervous as it makes her feel.
"Good." He grins and she can't help but return it.