A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who left a review on the first chapter, they encourage me to keep writing!

Deep breaths. Just focus. There was no dark tunnel, no voice in his head, it was all over. It was all fine now.

It helped. Looking away from his katana and just focusing on breathing helped, and Leonardo managed to push the resurfaced feelings back where they'd come from. Slowly he lifted his gaze again and stood up. There was still that dull ache in his head, causing him to sway a little, but he pushed past it. It was far more important to focus on the sword; had he just imagined it, or had it really moved? He was hesitant to get back towards it, but if it had really moved on its own, if there was still a threat in his home… he had to face it. And get rid of it.

So he forced himself to walk to the weapon. He expected it to move again, maybe to hurt him this time instead of just flying into his hand, but… it stayed still. After waiting yet another moment he bent down to carefully pick it up.

"Leo?"

The voice visibly startled him; he almost dropped the sword. Leonardo turned to look towards the entrance of the dojo where Michelangelo was peeking in.

"We were thinking about watching a movie, and uh, how long have you been here already…?" Leonardo saw Michelangelo's eyes fall on the sword he was still holding. "You're not supposed to be training with those yet."

Technically he was just holding the sword, but it's twin on the floor not far from him revealed that he'd been using them. And… revealed that it hadn't gone very well, since his weapon was lying on the ground. It was a good thing Michelangelo hadn't stepped in when he had still been in the middle of losing his mind over his sword moving on its own. Then again… maybe it would've been good had he been here. Then he'd know if the sword had really moved or if he'd just imagined it.

He realized that there was no way he could say something about this to his brother. What would he even say? That he saw his sword move on its own? If he'd felt something related to the demon he wouldn't hesitate telling his brothers, not wanting to repeat his mistake of keeping things from his brothers when the demon had made him see all those nightmares. But this wasn't about the demon, at least it didn't seem so. This was about… what? About him going crazy?

"I was just…" Leonardo felt out of place when he was suddenly supposed to think about a movie instead of the fact that something of the demon might still remain, or that he was simply going insane, but he did his best to speak with an even tone. "...Seeing if I could wield them."

"Ookay," Mikey said, stretching out the word, clearly not buying it. And then he frowned. "Wait. Is that blood?"

Leo closed his eyes for a short moment. "Yes, but please don't tell Donnie. It's nothing serious, and he'll just worry. See."

Leo showed him his left hand. The bandages had been torn, showing the spot of skin that had been rubbed raw. He kept his right hand down and clenched into a fist to prevent droplets of blood from dropping down his palm; that was the hand that had actually bled, but Leo didn't want his brother opening his bandages and seeing the real condition of his hands.

Mikey walked closer and squinted down at his hand, but since nothing was actively bleeding, he just nodded his head approvingly. Leo lowered his hand and turned his shell to Mikey as he went to pick up the other sword as well. He placed them on a hanger on the wall (luckily not dropping them again) and then walked over to the side of the room, where they kept a med kit. They always kept one in the dojo, for small cuts and bruises were unavoidable when they trained.

"He worries anyway, you know," Mikey said while Leo started to rewrap his hands. He could clean them properly later, when there was no brother hovering right behind him. "We all do. I saw you flinch when you were pouring tea this morning."

"The kettle is heavy," Leo defended himself softly, "and some of the hot water hit my hand."

Not a lie; it had happened, and anything hot against raw, tender skin really hurt.

"Don shouldn't worry," Leo continued as he finished with the bandages and turned back to Mikey. His hands, as well as the sword-moving-thing, was something for him to worry about, something for him to figure out. As long as the demon wasn't involved, he wouldn't get them involved. He'd caused his family enough grief and worry. "And you shouldn't either. So, which movie are we watching?"

"Oh- I promised Raph he could pick the flick, so I don't know yet! I was on my way to the kitchen; which should we have, ice cream or popcorn?"

Leo faked thinking hard before answering, "Why not both?"

A big smile spread on Mikey's face. "Dude, no wonder you're the leader. That was a perfect decision."

They both laughed when they exited the dojo. When Michelangelo sprinted towards the kitchen, Leonardo glanced over his shoulder at the far wall of the dojo, where his swords rested.

He shut the doors of the dojo with more force than needed.

And with his swords out of his sight, he felt better as he helped Michelangelo prepare the snacks. Maybe he really had needed a break. It was nice to curl up on the couch and focus on nothing but the movie, listening to his brothers making comments about the plot and the actors. Raph had picked a very fast paced action-film, so following the plot left no room for any unnecessary thoughts.

The unease and fear were gone from his mind when the movie ended. Everyone seemed a bit reluctant to leave their comfortable positions and get up from the couch, but eventually they all started to make their way towards their rooms to turn in for the night.

Only when he was alone in his room did the sword cross his mind again. It was strange to take off his gear but have no swords to unstrap from his shell. Usually he never left his weapons in the dojo. He kept them on his back most of the time, and they rested against his bedside table when he slept. Tonight he felt both defenseless and relieved by their absence.

He lay down, only to toss and turn. It had been a while since he'd had this much trouble falling asleep. His thoughts kept going back to the moving sword and what it meant. He'd felt the sword in his hand, so he couldn't have imagined it. It hadn't been a hallucination. But… but the idea of the sword really moving on its own was… just ridiculous. If the demon was here, why would it simply move his sword around? Besides, the sword moving to his hand had been helpful, not harmful. Why would it send it into his hand instead of cutting him with it? Everything the demon had done had been to hurt him and his family.

And the sword wasn't the only thing keeping him awake. The things he'd felt in his moment of panic, the fear, the despair at the thought of having to deal with the demon again… they'd all been so strong in that brief moment. How had he been able to forget such strong emotions? And how had he been able to just… push them away?

He could imagine the looks on his brother's faces if he told them about what he'd seen and felt. How worried they would be. And for what? For something that could've been just his imagination. Maybe he'd just pushed himself too hard, making his hands bleed and all. He'd been frustrated and exhausted, so was it that big of a surprise that his mind had started playing tricks on him?

He turned to his alarm clock. He'd let himself sleep a bit longer than usual, hoping that the extra sleep would help him clear his mind. Well, getting extra sleep would require falling asleep first. With a sigh Leonardo pulled his blanket over his head, trying to empty his mind so that he'd finally be able to sleep.

"Positions."

Two turtles took their places easily, facing each other. Since Leonardo wasn't allowed to train using weapons- or even his hands, for he couldn't punch or block attacks with them- training lessons were often altered. When Leonardo could attend, they usually went through katas, or worked on stealth and balance. When his brothers sparred using their weapons he had to simply sit on the side, but sometimes he could join the weaponless sparring. Like today.

Both turtles standing in the middle of the dojo had their hands tied behind their shells; this was a simple exercise, the purpose being to take the other one down without the use of their hands. This was something they'd done many times even before the demon incident.

"Begin."

The permission to start was given by their Sensei, and Raphael wasted no time dashing towards his opponent. When they had first started training after the whole demon incident, Splinter hadn't made them fight each other. He'd been aware how uncomfortable it'd make his students after the demon had made them attack each other, so he'd slowly eased them back into sparring. They'd all been hesitant at first, but they'd quickly gotten used to the familiar brawling. It was a good way to use the built-up energy, since they had been locked up in the lair for a while.

Raphael was proof of that, not hesitating in his attack. They'd done this exercise a few times before while his hands had been recovering, and each time his brothers had taken it easy on him, so Raphael jumping right into action took him by surprise. Though it had annoyed him that his brothers had taken it easy on him, he hadn't really been able to complain about it; so far they had wiped the mat with him even though they had been holding back. Recovering had just been so slow, the exhaustion caused by the demon had clung to him stubbornly. And while he'd been recovering, his brothers had kept practicing.

Despite falling behind, or maybe just because of it, he was glad to see that Raphael looked like he wasn't going to hold back. It was embarrassing to lose almost every time; even winning was embarrassing because he knew that his brothers had been holding back. They knew better than to outright let him win, knowing Leonardo would know and just scold them. But despite his losses Leonardo he hadn't given up. He needed his brothers to fight him for real, he needed them to push him to his limits in order for him to catch up with them.

And… he'd hated the unsure looks his brothers had given him when they had been supposed to fight him. One thing he had been relieved about was that they hadn't been unsure to fight him because they'd been afraid of him. No, if they had been afraid, they had been afraid for him, afraid that they'd hurt him or his still-healing hands. Which was better than them fearing him, but still something Leonardo had wished his brothers would get over already.

Right now it seemed that hurting him was the furthest thing from Raphael's mind. Leonardo jumped into action as well, meeting Raphael's straightforward attack. He could try avoiding Raphael, could try tiring him out, but when he was full of energy like this, it'd take forever. Besides, he'd probably be the one to get tired first. The purpose of this fight wasn't to wear each other out. It was to find the other's weak spot, an opening in their defence, and quickly take them down.

Leonardo was determined to find that opening. Even if he couldn't use his swords yet, he had to be able to fight. He had to make up for the time he'd spent sitting on the side, had to show his family that he was recovering. He had to show that to himself; if he managed to finally beat his brothers fair and square, maybe those strange fears from yesterday wouldn't show up again. He wouldn't need to fear being left behind.

Leonardo dodged the kick coming at him, and when he kicked out in turn, Raphael had his feet back on the floor already and slipped out of the way. The next kick was obvious, but Leonardo couldn't make his body move in time- it connected with his side and sent him stumbling. Gritting his teeth together Leonardo managed to keep his balance, but already Raphael was attacking again.

The determination he'd just worked up was already crumbling, and they'd only barely started. Raphael was driving him back, not giving him time to even attempt a counterattack. Now that he had to make quick dodges and sharp turns he felt how sore his body still was. So much time had passed, and he. Just. Wasn't. Healing.

It was there again. That desperation, slowly filling his head, breaking his concentration. Raphael landed yet another kick, and this time Leonardo kept his footing only barely.

Can't protect them like this. Can't do anything like this.

It was the truth. If something happened, if the demon really was back somehow, what could he do? Nothing. What could he do when he just wasn't getting better? What should he-

A clatter came from the back of the room, causing both turtles to stop moving in order to look towards the source of the sound. Leonardo's swords had been resting on the weapon rack where he'd left them yesterday, but one of them had fallen, causing the sound.

Raphael looked away, more interested in the sparring match than a fallen weapon. The weapon hanger was old; it wasn't the first time something had fallen down from it.

Leonardo, however, couldn't look away. It couldn't be a coincidence, there were so many other weapons, why had his sword been the one to fall? Was he overreacting or should he warn his family-

Raphael connected with his side, stealing the air from his lungs and sending him crashing to the floor. He winced as his injured and tied hands got crushed under his shell.

"Shit, sorry," Raphael apologized, taking a step closer as if to help, then realizing that his hands were still tied. Their younger brothers were already up though, hurrying to help Leonardo up into a sitting position, taking his weight off his hands. "Ya okay?"

"Yeah," Leonardo said, slightly breathless, already looking over his shoulder back at the sword. It was still on the floor, unmoving. He exhaled slowly. Maybe… maybe it had been just a coincidence.

"Well done, Raphael. You forced your opponent to keep moving, not giving a chance to counterattack," Master Splinter praised. "Leonardo, your body is still recovering, but that doesn't excuse your mind being so distracted. You should pay more attention to-"

The rest of Splinter's words were lost on the eldest turtle as he realized that the sword had moved while he'd been busy getting run over by Raph. It had moved about one foot from its original spot and even turned so that the hilt was pointed straight towards him.

"Untie me," Leonardo said hastily, scrambling up to his feet, unable to take his eyes off of the sword now. "U-untie me, please-"

"Okay, okay, I'm already doing it!" Hearing the slight panic in his brother's voice Michelangelo hurried to undo the ropes, quickly freeing his hands. "What's the rush, Leo? You sure you didn't hurt yourself?"

Leonardo didn't answer, and his brothers followed his gaze to his swords.

"Oh yeah, we should probably get that fixed," Michelangelo said, thinking Leonardo was upset simply because the weapon rack had dropped his sword to the floor. Everyone knew Leonardo took good care of his katana. Michelangelo started to walk towards the sword, and Leonardo felt a surge of panic. But before he could find his voice and tell his brother not to touch the sword… he'd already picked it up.

Carefully Michelangelo placed it back onto the wall. "Now be a good sword and stay there," Mikey spoke to the weapon, then turned back to his family.

"Are you sure you are alright, Leonardo?" Master Splinter asked, having obviously noticed the unusual behavior of the eldest. "You seem a little pale. Sit down. Raphael, help your brothers with the rope, for it is their turn."

It was an order, so Leonardo just nodded and made his way over to the side, doing as he'd been told. While Raphael helped their brothers with the rope, Leonardo kept his eyes on his swords.

When Raphael was done with the ropes, he walked over to Leonardo and sat close to him.

"Sorry for runnin' into ya like that," the turtle in red murmured. "I saw that ya were distracted, and… well, yer always lecturing me when I do that. What's up? I don't think that yer sword droppin' to the floor made ya lose yer focus like that."

Here it was again, a chance to talk about what he thought he'd seen. They'd all seen some crazy things with the demon present, so… maybe he wouldn't sound so crazy if he talked about this. Maybe they'd understand instead of labeling him as crazy. Maybe-

"It's because yer upset ya can't wield them, right?" Raphael continued before he could voice any of his thoughts. "We all know how much ya wanna go back to the way things were. And trust me, it's coming. Ya just have ta give yer hands some time."

It wasn't usual to receive a pep talk from Raphael, so he must really be worried. And that overrode all of Leonardo's thoughts about sharing his worries with him. He just didn't want them to worry. He didn't want there to be anything for them to worry about, and if he just cleared his head, figured this out… then there wouldn't be anything.

He had to stop panicking over everything. He had to steel his nerves and deal with this instead of freezing up when a sword fell to the floor.

"I guess you're right," Leonardo said, offering his brother a small smile. "Thanks, Raph. It's difficult to be patient, but I'm trying."

They watched their brothers spar in silence, and Leonardo did his best to not look at the weapon wall.

After practice Leonardo had taken a quick shower and then withdrawn to his room to read. He'd been here for a while, sitting on his bed with a book in his hands, but he was still on the first page. He just couldn't concentrate, not when his thoughts kept going back to the dojo. He was deep in thought when a knock on his door interrupted his musings and made him look up.

"Sup," Raphael greeted as he opened his door, even before having received the permission to come in. "I'm gonna go to Casey's, I'll be there for a few hours. Just thought I'd let ya know."

Raphael said it so casually- like it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. And it wasn't, it shouldn't have been… but it was the first time any of them would be leaving the lair after the demon-incident. It felt so sudden- Raphael was just stating it, not asking him or anything. It wasn't like he needed to, he didn't need his permission, maybe Master Splinter's, but not his, but- Leonardo had just felt like they should go together, at least for the first few times. Just to get used to things again, to see what had changed topside. The distress that washed over him was sudden, overwhelming.

"You're going alone?" Leonardo asked, failing to mask the worry he felt. "I thought- we should check out the streets together before any of us goes alone."

Raphael sighed; clearly he'd expected something like this. "I'm just going to Casey's. It's no big deal, I can do it alone."

No big deal? The last time we ran through the sewers one of us was possessed by a demon that tried to kill us, and almost succeeded, was what Leonardo wanted to say. But he knew it wouldn't keep Raphael from leaving. They had gotten rid of the circle, there were no threats in the sewers, and Raphael was tired of staying at the lair. He had already been restless for days; it was a surprise he had held out for this long. Words wouldn't hold him here. So if Leonardo couldn't make him stay, he could try something else, at least.

"Maybe you should take Mikey or Donnie with you anyway… just in case?"

Leonardo could feel the irritation washing over Raphael. "Leo, we got rid of the damn demon. There's been no sign of it, it's over. We don't need ta hide in the lair and I don't need anyone comin' with me. Ya don't have to worry."

"Even if the demon is gone, the city is pestered with crime, and we both know you and Casey won't be able to stay away from trouble."

Raphael shrugged, unable to deny that. "I need some action. Not a demon is tryin' ta kill us action, but busting some heads kinda action."

"And if something happens, if you'd need back-up…" Leonardo trailed off. I couldn't be there, was the unsaid meaning behind the words.

"We'll take it easy, we'll do what ya just said; look around to see what's been going on," Raphael seemed to catch the deep worry behind his words, for his tone was more reassuring than irritated. "I won't be alone, since Case is gonna be there. Ya know he can watch my back. And if something happens, I can call Mikey or Don."

That didn't ease Leo's worry one bit. He trusted Casey and his skills, he didn't doubt that Raph couldn't take care of himself even if he was alone, he knew that if need be, Don and Mikey would be there to help, but with so many enemies in the city…

He felt that burn in his chest again. He realized he was feeling despair over the thought of Raphael leaving. He shouldn't be acting like this, trying so stubbornly to make his brother stay, but he couldn't help it.

"Raph… couldn't you just wait a bit more? Just until I can hold my swords again, it won't be long anymore-" That part wasn't true, it didn't seem like he'd be able to hold his katana anytime soon, but he had to try-

Raphael had been so patient, but Leonardo saw how his words made him tense. The frustration he had managed to keep in check was starting to slip for real now.

"Leo, nothing's gonna happen, I'm just gonna go to Casey's, we'll take a look around, something we've done thousands of times! I'm tired of sitting around in the lair – everyone is! We've laid low, the demon's gone; why aren't ya letting us go back to our old lives?"

The despair he felt had a reason; fear. Was he really so scared that he had to keep his brothers locked away even though he could clearly see that it was driving them crazy? Why was he being so selfish, forcing his brothers to wait for him? No, it wasn't selfish. He was just looking out for them, like always. He was right in this. He knew his brothers managed without him, he wasn't so full of himself that he thought they couldn't go out without him- it was just the what if. What if things got bad and they needed backup, and he'd let them go while knowing he couldn't be there, that'd be on him-

"Because it's dangerous, Raph," Leo tried. "We don't go alone if one of us is-" Injured. Useless. What was the right word to describe his current state?

Raphael narrowed his eyes. "Do ya really think going to Casey's is too dangerous for me? C'mon, Leo."

"It's never just "going to Casey's," Raph!" Leonardo snapped, frowning now. The more he thought of it, the more he was against letting Raphael go. He was just- he couldn't. He could already see all the things that could go wrong, and he couldn't just stay here, knowing one of his brothers was up there, where there was so much danger. He'd come so close to losing his brothers, he'd lost them so many times when the demon had been in control of his mind. Again and again he'd seen them bloody and broken on the sewer floor, and even if the memories were hazy, they still hurt. And the more he thought about them now, the more clear the previously blurry images were in his head. He wouldn't risk that happening again. "It's just too dangerous. We'll go together-"

"Oh, and when is that going to happen? Ya can't even properly hold yer swords yet, Leo, it's going to take a lot more before ya can fight with them. Are we really just supposed to sit around until then? Ya really think we're useless without ya?"

"I don't," Leo said, his voice smaller. That wasn't what he was trying to say, not at all. "What am I supposed to do if you guys get in trouble? I wouldn't be able to do anything, Raph. I'd- I'd be just as useless as with the demon-"

His chest felt tight; was his heart beating faster?

Bloody tracks on the sewer floor. The smell of death everywhere around him-

No! No, he'd gone this long without remembering, surviving the rare nightmares by simply feeling the presence of a brother nearby, he didn't want to remember now, at least not here, right in front of Raphael. Everything was fine, Raphael knew what he was doing, he couldn't keep them here forever, there was no reason, they were alive and that wouldn't change even if they left. Everything was fine and would remain fine, that's what he repeated to himself, yet his heart wouldn't stop hammering against his chest.

"The only problem is that ya keep worrying for nothing! Even if ya were completely healed, there's a chance we'll get hurt and ya wouldn't be able to do anything about it. The risk has always been there, only now you're acting like it's something new, making a huge fucking deal out of it." Raph stared at him with an angry flame in his eyes. "I think the only way to get ya over this is ta show ya nothing's gonna happen. I'll be back in a few hours, and yer gonna see it's fine."

This was awfully familiar. Just like the time when they'd argued when the demon had still been here. Raphael hadn't believed that he'd hurt him- had insisted that everything would be alright if he stopped obsessing over the nightmares. Wasn't this the same? Wasn't Raphael saying that everything would be fine if he didn't worry so much? Didn't that mean that if he believed him, if he allowed Raphael to win this argument, then he'd get hurt again?

Raphael turned to leave his doorway, to leave the lair, to leave him, and despite his attempts to convince himself it was fine, fear and anxiety were all he could feel now. If Raphael left he'd never come back, they'd get a frantic call from Casey saying Raph's hurt, and once they'd get there there would be nothing but blood and a broken body for them to find, and Leonardo couldn't take it, couldn't take even the possibility of that happening. He shot up from his bed, and before Raphael had taken more than a few steps Leonardo had a rough grip on his wrist, stopping him.

"Don't go," Leonardo pleaded, not having allowed his voice to tremble, yet it did so anyway. "Raph-"

"What is it with ya?" Raph demanded, snatching his hand away while turning to face his brother. "Feels like ya really think we can't handle ourselves-"

Raph closed his mouth when he saw the empty look in Leo's eyes. The leader was staring past him, but the look wasn't completely empty- there was fear there, and Leo was visibly shaking.

"Hey," the tone Raph used changed to something softer, and he grabbed Leo's shoulder to get his attention. "Hey, look at me."

Leo flinched from the contact, blinking his eyes and looking Raph in the eyes now, but the fear hadn't gone anywhere.

"I- I…" Leonardo blinked again, clearly trying to collect himself. "I'm sorry, I… I know I'm overreacting…"

There seemed to be more confusion than fear in his voice now.

"I get it, Leo, I do… I understand that ya worry and that you can't just tell yourself to stop doin' it. But it really is like I said- ya won't get over this unless ya see it's going to be fine. Ya understand that, don't ya?"

Leonardo nodded, now looking down. "Yes…" He took a deep breath, seemingly collecting himself. "You'll- you'll call if you need us, right?"

Raphael stared at him before nodding. "I will. It'll be fine. Ya sure yer okay?"

Leonardo nodded again, lifting his head back up to give Raphael half a smile. "I'll be. Sorry for that, really. This was just sudden, I guess."

He'd known this was coming, he'd known Raphael's patience had a limit, but he still hadn't been prepared for it.

Leonardo turned away from his brother, leaving him to stand alone in his doorway as he headed straight for the dojo. His heart was still beating faster than it should be, he needed to hurry away so that he wouldn't change his mind and go back to pleading for Raphael to stay.

Once the door of the dojo was shut behind him, Leonardo became aware that breathing evenly was starting to take a lot of effort. Was he… was he going to have a panic attack? He'd had one when the demon had still been here, when he'd been tied down. Was he this terrified of the possibility of his brothers getting hurt again? He couldn't be; it was something they had always lived with, just like Raphael had said. There was always the risk of getting hurt, of getting hurt badly. He'd learned to control these fears, but now, again, he felt like he had no control at all.

Why was this happening? He felt like another person. Feeling this scared and helpless wasn't the norm for him. He could usually control all of this. He-

You can't go back as long as you're like this. This part of you is torn, he can't understand that the things you've seen weren't real. He's still reliving it all, over and over, broken by the demon. If you keep this part of yourself, he'll bring you down. He's going to be the part of you that's going to keep breaking, and your brothers will constantly need to pick up the pieces. Stop being him. Leave him behind.

The memory of something whispering in his mind hit him suddenly, made him blink as he took in the words. He could remember now, could remember pushing his fears down alongside the shadows plaguing his mind, leaving a part of himself behind. It had been the only way to get rid of the demon's shadows, the only way to get himself to wake up when he'd still been barely clinging to life.

Was all that he had locked away still somewhere in his mind? That had to be why he was having these moments of despair and panic; first with his sword, now with Raph leaving.

Displeased with the fact that something as minor as Raphael visiting Casey could trigger those emotions in him, Leonardo went to the weapon wall and picked up one of his swords. He refused to let any emotions resurface as he did; he didn't fear his swords, he didn't fear Raph leaving. He didn't fear the demon or anything that was possibly left of it. If there really was something left, he wasn't going to run from it. This time he wouldn't let the demon hide in their home, slowly growing stronger. He refused to be afraid, gripping the weapon tightly. The pain in his hand was both frustrating and grounding, helping him calm some of his nerves.

"Raph's going to be fine," Leo said out loud, trying to believe it. He had to believe it, or all the emotions he'd stuffed away would just sneak back again. "And if not, I can ignore the pain, I can wield my swords, I can go help. Some pain won't stop me from protecting my family."

His words didn't sound too convincing. Already his hand was trembling from the weight of the sword. The hilt was digging against his palm.

"Pain is just an illusion," Leonardo muttered through gritted teeth. "It's just in my head."

Making sure he had a good grip on the sword, he swung it. The first movement was always the worst, but he took it, took the pain, and willed it to fade. There was already sweat gathering on his brow, but he swung again, aiming at the practice doll on his third strike. The moment the blade hit its mark he cried out, pain traveling through his whole hand. His sword clattered to the ground.

"Please, Leo," Raphael gasped, blood flowing down his chin. "Please stop-"

His mind was filled with agony as the demon puppeted his limbs. He was screaming inside his head, fighting for control, but nothing stopped the demon from lifting his blade again.

He couldn't do anything. He was completely helpless, unable to do anything but watch his brothers get hurt because of him.

Leonardo stood frozen as panic crashed over him. The part he had locked away came scrambling from the pit of his mind where he had pushed it, taking over like it was nothing, and then there was nothing but terrible memories, broken begging for it all to stop.

Not again. Can't be useless again. Not again, can't just do nothing again, can't watch them get hurt, not again- Leonardo couldn't make sense of any of it. He was locked inside his mind, stuck with the repeating words. Not again. Can't do this again. I never meant any of this. I'm sorry-

He was in the tunnel, everything was wet and warm and red and so clear. Not blurry like before. He was standing in a puddle of mud and guts, and when it registered, he jumped back with a startled cry. His shell connected with the sewer wall and something sharp rained down on him. He shielded his head from both the pain and the terrible sight in front of him, tightly shutting his eyes-

"Leo!"

Both Donatello and Raphael called for him, and when he opened his eyes they were by his side, not dead on the ground like they'd been just a moment ago. He was back in the dojo, and his brothers were grabbing his arms and guiding him away from… from the weapon rack he had collided with. The sharpness raining on him had been the weapons that had fallen from the rack when he'd hit it, but he'd only been scraped by them.

"Leo, what happened?" Don asked hastily, but Leo couldn't answer, too busy trying to push down the gruesome images. The voice in his head was still there, begging him to do something, to not let them get hurt again.

"I told ya somethin' was wrong with him, that's why I didn't leave," Raph muttered.

"Leo, can you look at me?" Don kept trying to get his attention, but Leo's focus was still elsewhere. He could hear his brothers, could feel their touch, but he also felt the muddy floor of the tunnel, heard himself begging and the demon laughing-

"Leo!" Raph shook him, and with that the voices melted away. Leo was staring down, watching as the blood and mud turned back into the dojo floor. His brothers were here, he was here. No one was in the tunnel. He was home.

Slowly he lifted his gaze to his brothers. His legs shook under him, and he was pretty sure he would've fallen had his brothers not held his arms, keeping him up.

"I…" Leonardo didn't know what to say. Was this where he was supposed to just tell them everything? That he wasn't dealing with things as well as everyone thought, that he'd been having hallucinations, that he couldn't stop being so- so afraid?

How could he admit something like that? He was their leader. At least he was supposed to be.

"What the hell happened, Leo?" Raph asked, fixing his hold on his arm. Leo steadied his legs and stood up a bit straighter, signaling that he didn't need his brothers to hold him up anymore, but they didn't seem to have any intention of letting go just yet.

"I… I guess I just... " Just got caught in the memories I locked away before. Completely normal. "I guess the thought of you leaving was just so sudden that I just... got kind of stressed out by it, I… I'll get over it."

"Kind of?" Raph repeated with a lifted brow.

"Leo, when we got here, you were really out of it," Don said with heavy worry in his voice.

Leo sighed, shifting in his siblings' hold, and finally they let go of him.

"It… it might've been a small panic attack," Leo said. Just admitting it was the only way to not make his brothers ask more questions.

He felt the worry of his brothers changing into empathy, and he felt slightly embarrassed. Now his brothers knew he really had just overreacted, that he was so weak that he was having a panic attack over something this simple. But… this was better than them knowing the whole truth.

"I won't have to go today, Leo, if it stresses ya that much," Raph said, his hand not holding him anymore, but still touching the side of his arm. "I guess I could wait another day-"

"No, you should go," Leo said, walking back to the weapon rack. "You were right, it's good to finally get back to our old routine. I'm… I'm sorry I reacted like this, I'm still… scared of you getting hurt."

"That's understandable, Leo; I'm worried, too," Don said. Then his voice got a more playful tone. "It's been a while since Casey and this bonehead got together, who knows what kinda trouble they'll get themselves into." Don smiled at Raph and teasingly nudged him with his elbow. Raph rolled his eyes at him, but couldn't help smirking.

Leo gave them a smile before bending down to start putting the dropped weapons back to their places. His brothers didn't try to stop him; Raph simply followed him to help him, while Don went to get the dojo's med kit and helped Leo take care of the scrapes from the fallen weapons. After the mess had been taken care of, the only item on the floor was his katana, and Leo hesitated to touch it.

Donatello picked it up for him, and put it back into its sheath against his shell without a word. Somehow the silence felt worse than him saying you shouldn't wield them yet.

He had meant to put the sword back onto the wall like he'd done before, but maybe it'd be good to carry them with him. So that he wouldn't be feeding the hallucinations by trying to avoid his swords.

"I swear I won't be gone long, Leo," Raph told him when they walked out of the dojo. "And I swear I'll be fine. Okay?"

"Okay," Leo smiled at him, having decided he'd believe it. He had no other choice. "Tell Casey we said hi."

"I will. I could text ya once I get there so you'll know I made it there okay?"

"That sounds good."

Raph still seemed hesitant, but his need to get out of the lair ended up winning and he left. Leo felt Don looking at his hands, probably trying to see if he'd hurt them again. Leo lifted them for him.

"No blood, the bandages are fine."

Don nodded once he saw the bandages clean of blood. "You should still take it easy."

"I know… I'll try to."

Don still hesitated. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I am. For real. As I said, this was just… sudden." Leo shrugged. "I knew it was coming, but… yeah. I'll get over it."

Don watched him for another moment. "Well, you know where to find me if you need anything."

With that Don headed back to his lab, and Leo decided to go to his room. He didn't feel like going back to the dojo. He could try to do some reading, since the last time he had tried he had just gotten lost in his thoughts. Maybe he could meditate... He just needed something so that he wouldn't simply pace around while waiting for the text message from Raph.

When he was alone again, he grabbed a book and sat down. But instead of opening the book, he carefully thought back to the tunnel, not wanting to trigger another… whatever that had been, hallucination, panic attack, he didn't know.

But the memories were blurry and unclear again.

A/N: If you feel confused about Leo's thought process, rereading Turning the Blade's chapter 16 (wow I forgot there were so many) might help a little! Or maybe not, I don't know if my writing makes sense :)