A/N: Hannah, thank you so much for your review! I take it that you are looking for more action-based stories? I'm sorry this one has been so slow, I think I still need to work on not making my plots advance so slowly. Thank you for your patience, hopefully this story will get more enjoyable for you with future chapters!
Leonardo woke up to the feeling of being watched. Immediately alerted he pushed his head up from his pillow to be met with a sliver of light coming into his room.
"Sorry," Raphael, who had witnessed his abrupt awakening, mumbled from the doorway. "Didn't know ya were still asleep. I was just… checkin' in, since ya didn't answer when I knocked."
Leonardo was aware that after he'd moved from the sickbay to his own room his brothers had taken the time to check in on him, probably to reassure themselves that he was alright after the demon had left him so weak. After he'd really started to get better their concerns had been eased too, and they hadn't felt the need to occasionally peek into his room.
Raph saying that he didn't know he was still asleep implied that this wasn't the first time Raph had checked his door after morning practice. He hadn't had any idea that someone had visited his door yet alone knocked on it; he wasn't a heavy sleeper, could wake up if someone simply tiptoed past his door, so the fact that a sound like that hadn't woken him up told him that he must've been even more exhausted than he'd thought.
And it also told him that his brothers hadn't stopped checking in on him. They were still concerned for him, and Leo couldn't say that there was no reason to do that. He knew he hadn't acted like himself lately, especially after this morning. Even if he hadn't done something so out of character, he knew he'd acted in a worrisome way. They all knew each other well, having lived together their whole lives; they didn't usually need more than a slight hint to know that one of them was bothered by something.
"'S okay," Leo mumbled, sitting up properly on his bed. Raph stepped into the room, softly closing the door behind him. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand Leo glanced at the clock. It was almost time for lunch already, meaning he had slept longer than he had intended to. At least the pain in his head had lessened. It wasn't completely gone, but manageable now.
Raph was still standing by his door, and Leo caught him studying his face before Raph looked away. He wasn't saying anything, but the fact that he had closed the door behind him told Leo that Raph wasn't here just to check on him. His brother had something to say, so he waited patiently.
"I know yer not doin' too well," Raph finally started, still not looking at him. "Hell, it was pretty startling to see ya like that all of a sudden. I thought you'd gotten really hurt or somethin', I've never seen ya just cry like that-"
"I wasn't crying, Raph," Leo interrupted, still feeling embarrassed and defiant about that. "It was just-"
"And that's exactly why I acted the way I did," Raph cut him off in turn. "I saw how uncomfortable ya were with everyone just staring. I just… I could've picked different things to say instead of… well…" The topic seemed to be a little difficult for Raph to put into words. "Instead of just ridiculing ya. I just thought that if I riled ya up you'd… ya know. That'd you'd rise up to the bait, that things would be like they used ta. We'd bicker, ya coud let out whatever was eatin' at ya and then we'd get over it. But instead I just ended up being an asshole."
Raph's teasing had been pretty frustrating, not having helped with the situation, but on the other hand it had brought some normalcy to the situation. Mikey and Don had shown their concern by putting it into words, while Raph had just tried to distract him by some slight teasing.
Raph squirmed where he stood, still struggling with what to say, but Leo couldn't help feeling somewhat proud of his brother- if something like this had happened a few years back, Raph would've been too proud to come to him and admit that his actions might've been wrong. He would've done so eventually, probably, but he'd sulked about it for a lot longer before begrudgingly apologizing. Not like Leo felt that Raph needed to apologize to him now- he had taken everyone by surprise, including himself, for the way he had acted.
"I… uh, I just wanted ta say that I shouldn't have downplayed the situation."
"It's okay, Raph," Leo said again. "What happened was pretty unexpected."
"I understand why ya have been on the edge, why ya have been so careful, why yer still hesitant to go out. I'll try ta stay understanding, but I can't promise I won't be impatient. Or that I won't say something stupid again." Raph scratched the back of his neck in a slightly self-conscious way, and Leo couldn't help lightly chuckling.
"At least you're honest, Raph," Leo smiled at him. It was followed by a small pang of guilt; the same couldn't be said about him.
"Yeah, well. Ya know me," Raph answered with a grin, but then got serious again. "So… are ya… feeling any better?"
Leonardo stood up from his bed and turned his shell to Raphael as he walked to his desk to retrieve his mask. That was a question he didn't like; it implied that he'd cried for real, when in fact it hadn't been him that had cried. Expect it had been. Why was it so confusing?
"I'm fine, Raph. It just… I don't really know what happened." It was neither a lie nor the truth, but his voice didn't sound convincing even to his own ears. He just wanted to forget the whole incident.
As he'd expected, Raph didn't seem too convinced. But he got the hint; Leo didn't want to talk about it.
"Okay," Raph said mildly. "Just…" He struggled again with what to say. "If there's anythin' on yer mind… we're here, alright?"
Leo had the feeling he'd heard the same words coming from Don, they were just worded a bit differently this time. Maybe Raph had paid a visit to Don and had heard what had happened in the lab- Leo cringed when he thought back to the way he acted, and was glad that his shell was still turned to his brother as he finished tying his mask.
"I know, Raph." Leo turned to give his brother a smile before starting to gather the rest of his gear. "I appreciate everything you said."
Just then they could hear sounds of distant clattering. Someone was preparing food in the kitchen.
"Sounds like Mike's making lunch," Raph said, opening the door again. "I think I'm gonna take a quick shower before eating."
Leo nodded, but Raph was already making his exit. He walked quickly, heading straight for the bathroom. After Splinter had finally let him and Mikey out of the dojo, both of them had headed for Don's lab to see how their brothers were doing. But they'd only found Don who had chased them away, saying that he had work to do- he'd sounded slightly upset, so obviously something had happened between him and Leo. Not getting answers from the scientist, they had headed for Leo's room, only to find their brother asleep.
Mikey had claimed the living room to play some video games, while Raph had went back to the dojo to pummel his punching back. He'd felt stupid and frustrated the moment Leo had left the dojo; he hadn't meant to further upset his brother, he'd just… picked the wrong words. As he often did. And then Splinter had made him and Mikey stay, and he hadn't been able to explain himself.
Now he had, and although Leo hadn't seemed upset about what had happened, he hadn't managed to get anything out of him. He obviously wasn't fine, but kept insisting he was. He'd even seemed pale and tired despite his nap, and Leo rarely, if ever, napped during the day.
He could only hope that Don had gotten their brother to talk at least a little. And that the genius would spill what he'd heard. Although he had a strong feeling that Don was upset because he hadn't gotten Leo to talk either.
Leonardo headed towards the kitchen, where the smell of food was already coming from. As he neared the room, he heard voices. He continued walking until he heard his name being used. That made him stop just outside the kitchen entrance, giving him a strong sense of déjà vu.
"-that's just how Leo is, you know, he always tries to play it cool after "showing weakness" as he probably sees it," he could hear Mikey saying.
"But this was so different," Don said. "He was so... distressed, and then suddenly he acted like nothing had happened."
"He really was distressed? So those were crying-tears, not irritated-eyes-tears, after all."
"Well… n… not exactly, he was just…"
Leo appreciated that Don was trying to save his face, but there wasn't really anything to defend him with. Everyone had seen his tears, and if he had been distressed afterwards, it was obvious that the tears hadn't been because there had been something stuck in his eye, but because he had been bothered by something. Well, he hadn't been, only a part of him had, but that wasn't… exactly something that could easily be explained.
"Was it because he was in pain?" Mikey asked with a quieter voice.
"No, he wasn't hurt, Mikey. Like we said, it wasn't your fault in any way."
Leo stepped into the kitchen, and Mikey immediately greeted him with a smile. Leo had to give him points for how fast he could turn a pout into a smile… even if the smile wasn't all that convincing.
"Hi, Leo! I was just starting on lunch, so it'll take a while. There's some leftovers from yesterday in the fridge if you want to eat something before this is ready. I'd suggest you wait, though, because this is going to be super delicious- you'll want to have room in your stomach for this!"
Leo couldn't help but smile at the cooking turtle. "I think I can wait. What are you making?"
"It's a secret!"
"I smell chicken," Leo said slyly, peeking over Mikey's shoulder, only to have the youngest half-heartedly push him away.
"No peeking!" Mikey chuckled. The amusement in his voice sounded genuine; at least the fake smile was gone. Leo left Mikey to cook in peace, pouring himself a glass of water. He felt Don's eyes on him, and after taking a sip of his drink he turned to the table and sat down next to his brother.
"Were you able to meditate?" Don asked him quietly.
"I ended up taking a nap instead," Leo said.
"Are you… feeling better, Leo?" Mikey asked, his tone careful. Leo wondered how many times he had already been asked that question.
"I am," Leo said. "I'm sorry for what happened. It wasn't your fault in any way, Mikey- the way I reacted really caught me by surprise as well. I think I was just tired, the nap made me feel better."
"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Mikey said, turning from the stove to glance at him. "I've never seen you just… you know. Bursting into tears."
Leo sighed when Mikey put it like that. It seemed that it was useless to deny it; all his brothers were convinced that he'd cried.
"C'mon, nobody's judging you for it," Mikey said after hearing his brother sigh, sounding more cheerful after hearing that the eldest was feeling better. Mikey turned back to the meat he was cooking. "We'd just like to be there for you when you need it."
"I know." Leonardo stared down at the glass in his hand. It felt like that was the only way he could reply when his brothers said he could talk to them. "Thanks."
After emptying his glass he stayed in the kitchen to help Mikey with the food. Raph entered the kitchen after his shower, just when the oven beeped, letting them know that the food was done. He noted that at least Don was out of his lab, but their genius brother seemed to be lost in thought, moving only when Mikey suggested that someone get Master Splinter. Don stood up to do that while the others set the table, and then they were all gathered together.
Mikey did most of the talking, while both Don and Raph were a bit quieter than usual. Leo did his best to take part into the conversation, despite his exhaustion still lingering. He was simply determined to not cause any more concern to his family.
"Do you have any plans for tonight, my sons?" Master Splinter asked at one point, and Leo, currently cutting up a piece of chicken, paused. Nobody was saying anything, telling Leo that they expected him to answer the question. He was sure that at least Raph wanted to go out again, but the moment he thought about going back topside the paranoia from last night threatened to creep in. He managed to push it away, but could still feel his heart beating slightly faster than it should as he lifted his gaze to glance at his brothers.
"Our patrol last night was cut short, but I haven't really thought about tonight." Leo did his best to both look, sound and feel nonchalant when he spoke. He felt like going back to bed and staying there until he actually felt better, but he knew he couldn't let himself start dreading the city. He'd never get over these negative feelings if he gave in to the fears of his other part. "We could continue from where we left off yesterday if you guys want to."
"I wouldn't be against that," Raph said, and Leo noted his careful tone. Raph wasn't insisting that they go, he was letting Leo know that he would be fine with not going tonight. Leo glanced at him, letting his brother know with just his eyes that he appreciated the message.
"Nothing really even happened last night," Raph continued, seemingly encouraged by Leo's accepting look since the carefulness in his voice changed into something more like his usual, gruffer voice. "Case's been saying that the city is restless, but it didn't really seem that way yesterday."
"We stopped a robbery," Mikey said before stuffing food into his mouth. "Thaf waf pwetty eventhful."
"Do not speak with your mouth full, Michelangelo," Splinter scolded, and Mikey mumbled his apologies.
"Not eventful for us," Raph said. That was true; they usually got caught into messes that were way bigger than a simple robbery.
...Like demon possession, for example.
"I wouldn't mind going out tonight either," Don said, though he was carefully watching the leader. "Maybe we could even stop by the scrapyard…"
Raph huffed, some amusement in his voice when he spoke. "Yeah, cause that's where all the action is."
"We could patrol, take another look around the city and come back through the scrapyard," Leo said. It wasn't anything big, but helping Don find something from the scrapyard was a small way to repay Don for putting up with his episode before. Besides, usually the scrapyard's findings benefitted the whole family, not just Don. But if they'd happen to find something good that Don could use for his own projects, it could help him take his mind off of the morning's happenings.
"Even though I must once again raise my concerns, if the city really is active with crime, even more so than usual... it is still good that you are patrolling," Splinter said. "Even if setbacks happen, after an event that disrupts one's life, it is important we don't let it change things too much. Change is inevitable, but continuing our old routines helps us leave the past behind."
Leonardo wished he could feel the same, but he still took the words to heart. Looking at his brothers, he could see that they had needed Splinter's words as well. He wasn't the only one who needed their life to go back to normal.
Only an hour after leaving the lair that night the turtles found themselves surrounded by Foot soldiers.
"Splinter talked about how good it is that things go back to the way they used to be, but I think that this is a bit too familiar," Don said as they stood together in the middle of a rooftop, their shells turned to each other as they prepared to face the enemies.
"Maybe ya were right, Leo," Raph muttered, spinning his sai, his whole body tense in the anticipation of a fight. "Maybe ya did see someone last night. Don't know how else they'd know we're back in business."
"Yeah, they must've seen us and decided to throw a surprise welcoming party," Mikey said, standing in a defensive pose as he kept an eye on their enemies, waiting for them to make the first move. "It's been a while though, you'd think the reunion would be a bit nicer than them immediately pointing their weapons at us."
"Focus on breaking a way through them; we're not taking on all of them at once," Leo ordered, his eyes glued to the nearest group of ninja. He was having trouble standing his ground; he felt calm, ready to lead his team out of here… but his other part was just losing it. Screaming inside his head to get out of there, that there were too many enemies, that this wouldn't end well. That they'd all be hurt and worse. He did his best to silence the voice, but it was loud, making his head hurt, his heart hammering against his chest as panic tried to make him move already. "We'll take the western side out, disappear down into the alleyways."
No sooner than he'd finished his sentence the Foot attacked. The fight went as their fights with the Foot usually went; outnumbered, but working together they got through their enemies. It had been a while since they had faced the Foot, but they weren't struggling, watching each other's shells and already nearing the edge of the roof where they could jump down into the alley below. Leonardo managed to move swiftly despite the chaos in his head, but the fight was taking all his focus.
That was why he almost missed the way Raphael stumbled- one of the ninja had managed to cut his leg with a kusarigama, leaving a long, bleeding cut in its wake. Instantly the nearby enemies turned their focus on the injured turtle. Donatello took a sharp turn, taking down the nearby group of ninja with his long-reach weapon, hurrying to get between Raphael and the enemies focusing on him. Leonardo was right with him, his swords unarming two of the closest ninja.
The quick cuts in his hands Leonardo had been forced to make as soon as he'd noticed the ambush ached from the harsh way he used his weapons, but he couldn't spare a thought to the pain. A pair of shurikens were thrown Raphael's way, and Leonardo extended his arm just in time to block them with his sword. He turned to sink his katana into another enemy that had their eyes on his brother, when a sharp pain cut through his left arm- one of the ninja had gotten past his defenses, their sword cutting into his arm.
The pain was enough to make him let go of his katana, and with his hand held high, the weapon flew from his grip in a high arch. They were already close enough to the edge of the roof that the sword flew right over it, disappearing from sight.
Yet another sword clashed with his remaining weapon, and he was pushed against the edge of the rooftop, almost making him follow his sword down. Their intention had been to go down, but if he'd simply fall over the edge, it wouldn't end well for him. As Leonardo strained against the weight pushing against his blade, he glanced over his shoulder down into the alley. He could just barely see the glint of his sword's blade, illuminated by a nearby street light, so far from his reach.
But… he had a way to make it return. Only he hadn't really used the demon's power to call his swords to him, he'd only used it to make it easier for his hands to hold the weapons, simply making them lighter. The distance between him and the weapon was quite a long one- could he do it?
His arms shook as the ninja pressed down on him. His exhaustion from this morning was suddenly pressing down on him; he didn't have his usual strength. He could usually fight well enough with just one sword, but faced with this many enemies and already feeling weak, he needed both of his blades. But right now he couldn't even shake his attacker off, and already another Foot soldier was getting closer to them. He was an open target, all the approaching ninja had to do was to lift his sword and finish him.
Instead of pushing against the weapon pressing down on him, Leonardo slid down and allowed the Foot ninja's sword hit the spot where his head had just been. He rolled away and then he was reaching over the edge, stretching his fingers towards the sword so far from his reach. Immediately it felt stupid- he felt the enemies nearing him again. He was wasting precious time uselessly reaching for a sword that was so far away.
The Foot ninja rarely made any sounds, but the one next to him snorted shortly as they watched the turtle and his efforts. Leo could imagine how this looked, desperately reaching down for the weapon that was so obviously out of his reach. The ninja lifted their sword to strike him down, but never got the chance- Leo turned and sank his sword into his shoulder, and the other one into his side. The dropped sword had flown into his hand with surprising swiftness despite the distance. But as the enemy in front of him fell down into a pool of his own blood Leo panted, his vision swimming as intense pain rushed through his head. Using blood to use his swords always made his head hurt, but this was something else- a pain so blinding he didn't notice the next enemy aiming at him.
"Heads up, Leo!" Mikey called, jumping in front of him to block the arrow that without his interference would've sunk into Leo's throat. "You okay?"
Gritting his teeth and fighting through the pain Leo nodded, "Let's clear out the way for Raph and Donnie and get out of here."
They managed to take down enough enemies so that all four of them could find a safe way down from the rooftop. A couple of ninja followed them, but they were easily taken down with some shurikens, and soon the turtles disappeared into the shadows below, then into the sewer.
Leonardo felt his whole body shaking, his vision spinning. Was this because he'd made the sword come to him? Or had there been something in the blade he had been cut with? He felt nauseous enough that he had to stop and grab the nearby wall for support.
"Leo!" Michelangelo called for him, and Leonardo felt hands on him, putting his right arm over Michelangelo's shoulders to offer him support. He winced when Michelangelo pulled him upright, and shut his eyes tightly. "What's wrong? Were you hurt anywhere else besides your arm?"
"No," Leo mumbled. "Just… dizzy."
"Bloodloss? Don-"
"I'm having my hands full with Raph," Don called from behind them.
"I can walk on my own," Raph huffed. "It's just a cut, it's nothi- ah, shit."
Leonardo heard Raphael's pained hiss, and knew Donatello wouldn't be letting go of him. And he wouldn't need to- Leonardo just had to collect himself, just had to deal with this headache like he'd done so far- why was it this bad now? At least the panic had died down, but this wasn't much better. Had the distance between him and his sword been too long when he had reached for it? The pain wasn't just an ache, it felt like something was digging into his head. Clawing away as it went, breaking something, taking something. That was a crazy way to feel, but he couldn't really describe the feeling in any other way.
"Tell me how you're feeling, Leo. Do you think it could've been a poison?" Don asked. They had been poisoned enough times that they usually recognized the symptoms, and Leo was pretty sure his nausea was simply caused by his splitting headache.
"Think I… just lost blood," Leo averted the truth. This definitely wasn't the moment to start talking about the demon's power. "It wasn't poison."
Mikey ended up helping him the whole way back. And the way felt endless- the pain in his head was fading, but it was doing it agonizingly slowly. The bright lights of the lair greeting them forced him to shut his eyes, making him lean against Mikey the whole way to the sickbay.
Once Mikey was treating the wound in his arm, he felt his brother's confusion; the wound wasn't deep enough to have bled that much. Yet his brother said nothing, simply carefully wrapped it.
Next to them Don had sat Raph down and was cleaning the wound in his leg.
"I guess I got what I wanted," Raph mumbled darkly, watching as Don worked on his leg. "A real fight."
"We got away, and this cut is not deep, it shouldn't take long for your leg to heal," Don comforted him.
"Nothing's changed, though," Raph huffed, leaning back. "The Foot's playing dirty as always. Always with an ambush or outnumbering us or somethin' – cowards."
"They know they wouldn't stand a chance if they played fair," Mikey shrugged, then chuckled. "Imagine if they sent just four dudes against us."
"Well, they have, remember the Elite?" Don asked with light sarcasm.
"I meant the ordinary guys, duh, Donnie."
Leo listened to his brothers without taking part in the conversation. He was simply waiting for the throbbing in his head to cease. He kept waiting, barely paying attention to the conversation anymore, until finally he had to lift his head and look around, trying to see if there was any painkillers nearby-
"Here." A bottle was placed into his hand. "You're frowning like you always do when your head's killing you."
Leo glanced down at the bottle of painkillers, then up at Mikey, and smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you, Mikey."
Mikey didn't have more than small cuts on him, and now that Leo's arm had been taken care of, he simply sat down next to Leo.
"No problem, but as a payback, you gotta tell me how you did it."
Leo poured two pills from the bottle and glanced at the youngest. "Did what?"
Mikey poked his side. "You know what! That sword thing!"
He had just thrown the pills into his mouth and almost choked on them. Managing to swallow them down, Leo looked around; luckily Don and Raph seemed to have left the room already (hadn't Don just started working on Raph's wound? How had he become so distracted that he hadn't noticed them leave?) and thus hadn't heard what Mikey had said. But- had Mikey really seen him use the power? Why was he so surprised- of course one of them had happened to see it. The battle had been intense, but they were always watching out for each other.
"At first I got a little scared," Mikey chuckled, sounding slightly nervous. "Cause, you know, it kinda reminded me about… well... about what the demon could do." Mikey was looking down at his hands, fidgeting. "But it's not related to that, right? All the demon stuff is totally over, right?"
Mikey looked up into his eyes pleadingly. Begging with just his eyes for some reassurance that the demon really was gone, that this had nothing to do with it. But Leo could see in Mikey's eyes that he knew that it was exactly what this was about.
Yet, he still tried to derail the conversation. "I don't know what you're talking abou-"
Mikey poked him again, harder this time, but not enough to really hurt him. Leo frowned anyway and placed a hand on his side to protect it from further poking. Mikey had folded his arms and now looked at him demandingly, and Leo ended up sighing.
"You managed to wait quite a long time before bringing it up," Leo said, and smiled a little. Mikey wasn't known to be very patient if he was curious about something.
"Well, there was the whole thing of getting home first- but I know, right?" Mikey sounded proud that he had managed to wait until it was just the two of them before asking about this. "But really, Leo. Is that the reason your head is hurting? Is- is there still something hurting you, did we- did we not get rid of it-"
"No, Mikey," Leo hurried to cut him off, then looked away. "I mean… yeah, doing what I did, it... hurts. But- I'm the one doing it. Nothing's forcing me to do anything. I did have the same reaction as you did, thinking that maybe the demon isn't gone after all... but I've been doing this for a while and there has been no sign of it."
Mikey was silent for a moment. "But it is related to the demon."
"Well, yeah, I guess… I guess I'm using the same power as it did."
There was a moment of dumbfounded silence, and Leo couldn't blame Mikey for it. He knew how mad he'd be if he heard one of his brother's was using the demon's power.
"But... you're sure it's gone?" Mikey asked, and Leo was a little surprised how calmly Mikey asked it. He felt like someone should be yelling at him or calling him an idiot or- just something.
But since it wasn't happening, maybe what he'd done really wasn't as bad as it first sounded? It was Leo's turn to stay quiet for a moment. "I think so, Mikey. If I had heard or felt it, I would've told you. I would never risk our safety by doing something as stupid as not telling you."
"But you would use the demon's power without telling us," Mikey shook his head. "I would call that stupid."
Well, there it was. Someone calling him stupid. Leo chuckled faintly, "I guess it is."
"So why? Why do it? I mean it looks cool, but dude. Haven't we watched enough horror movies to not know that something like this doesn't feel like a good idea? Didn't we have to deal with the demon enough to know that this isn't a good idea?" Mikey's tone was definitely accusing now. "Why'd you keep this a secret? Because you knew that we'd call you an idiot and tell you to stop and-"
"Mikey," Leo said quietly, feeling light headed, wishing that the painkillers would kick in already. This was exactly why he hadn't told his family, because he'd been afraid his brothers wouldn't understand. Mikey was right, he was afraid that they'd make him stop, but that would mean going back to being useless. "This is just for a while. This power allows me to wield my swords; I won't need it once my hands have healed."
Now Michelangelo was looking down at his wrapped hands. His voice was softer when he spoke. "Oh. So they still hurt." Then he looked back up, his gaze accusing again. "You could've still told us."
"I know. I just… didn't know how you'd react. I mean, I knew you guys would be upset." He could imagine both Don's and Raph's reactions, but he didn't even want to think what their Sensei would say about it. Surely he'd be the most disappointed in him.
"Of course we'd be upset," Mikey agreed with a nod. "I am upset. But- I know that yelling at you or making you feel guilty won't help anything. And… you don't sound like you're going to stop using it."
"I won't," Leo confirmed. "This is only temporary."
"So it would be useless to try to talk some sense into you?" Mikey asked, and Leo heard the humor in his voice, but also the underlying seriousness of the question. His brother really was unhappy about this.
"I have to use it," Leo said softly. "I can't go with you without it."
"We don't have to go anywhere," Mikey said immediately, looking at Leo again. "We can wait for you to get better."
"You know we can't, Mikey," Leo said. "The city needs us."
"It can wait," Mikey insisted. "It can always wait, if it means that you won't have to get hurt."
Leo smiled warmly at his brother. "You know we've made it our mission to protect this city, even if we get hurt while doing it. If I feel like this gets too much, then we'll take time to lay low again."
Mikey exhaled slowly, understanding that Leo had made his mind. The younger turtle took a moment to look down at his hands, clearly thinking about everything Leo had told him. Leo couldn't help wondering what was going through his head. Would Mikey keep arguing about this? Would he go tell the others?
"It's not hurting you… too much, is it?" Mikey finally asked.
The headache he'd had tonight had been the worst so far, but the painkillers were finally starting to fight the pain. "I'm fine, Mikey. It's just the headaches."
Mikey fidgeted again. "The demon was in my head as well. Do you… do you think that I could be able to do it too?"
That made Leo flinch slightly. He hadn't even thought about that- what if some of the power had remained in his brothers as well, what if they could do this too? He doubted it, the demon hadn't been in their head for very long… but the thought still bothered him. Not because he didn't want them to have the ability, but because… well, because of the pain using it caused, because of what it required to be used, and because it was the demon's power. Nobody should be using it… including himself. He knew what a hypocrite he was, knowing that if the situation had been reversed and he'd caught one of his brothers using the power, he would've put an immediate stop to it. But this was different, it was fine because it was only him paying a price for his own mistakes. He'd placed himself into this mess. But it was fine because it was just temporary.
It's fine, it's fine. The thought kept repeating itself in his head.
"I mean, I wouldn't be too thrilled about having anything to do with the demon," Mikey continuing pulled the eldest from his thoughts, "but if I could use it, then- then maybe I could, I don't know, somehow help you so that you wouldn't have to use it-"
For a moment he'd thought that Mikey had been fascinated about the aspect of being able to move things without touching them, but his reason for asking had actually been much more thoughtful.
"Mikey," Leo interrupted him gently. "I'm touched that you'd even consider taking the burden from me, but I don't think it'd really work like that. I'm fine like this, really. And I don't think that it would be wise to try to use this for yourself; even though this is a useful ability, it takes a lot to use it. I'm only using it because I have to. You do not want these headaches."
"Okay," Mikey said hesitantly, looking at him again. "Still seems like a pretty bad trade to get nasty headaches for just the ability to hold your swords. You don't think that you'd get used to it with time? That the headaches wouldn't be so bad if you got used to using the power?" Mikey blinked, realizing what he'd just said. "Shell, I don't mean to encourage you to keep doing this- oh, great, you're already thinking of practicing it. Me and my big mouth..."
Mikey watched Leo's face, his furrowed brow an obvious sign that his thoughts were racing. And Mikey's guess was right, Leo was already wondering if the pain and headaches would go away if he just practiced this, if he simply forced himself to get used to this. Just like when he forced himself to get used to the aches in his muscles when he spent hours in the dojo trying to learn a difficult kata.
"I should try that," Leo said after a moment. "Maybe I could get used to it."
If this power was something he could learn to withstand, it would mean that he'd never be separated from his swords. He could throw them in a fight, and they would always return. Maybe he could even fight with them without having them in his hands, that'd give them an incredible advantage against their enemies-
But no. He wasn't looking for that kind of power, using some dark magic had nothing to do with the way he had been raised to fight. This power would always demand something in return, and he wasn't looking forward to cutting himself every time they got into a fight. He didn't want to use this power any longer than he had to.
But in order to make these headaches at least a bit more tolerable, he was willing to try to get more used to the power.
"Or maybe you could just-" Mikey tried, but Leo was already standing up. Mikey sighed, knowing it was useless to argue when Leo had made up his mind. Why was everyone in his family so stubborn? "How did you even realize you could do this?"
"It just… happened," Leo mumbled, not too eager to tell his brother about how his feelings of helplessness and despair had probably been the reason he'd discovered the power. They worried enough without knowing the depth of his fears. He waited for the slight nausea standing up had caused to pass before heading for the door.
"I'm coming with you," Mikey said, deciding to be stubborn as well, his tone firm.
Leo glanced hesitantly at him. He couldn't let anyone watch, couldn't let them see the blood on his hands… but Mikey was giving him a look that told him he wouldn't be backing off.
Leo said nothing, simply looked back at the door and kept walking.
"Okay, I'll admit that I'm actually a bit excited to see you using it again," Mikey said as he followed after his brother. "I mean, I still don't like this, but I can't really deny that it does look cool."
Leo was wondering what he was doing by not stopping Mikey from coming with him, but at least Mikey sounded a bit happier now, so maybe it would be alright. Glancing at his brother again he could see that Mikey was wearing an excited smile instead of the serious look from earlier. Seeing him smile instead of that was better, and it… it felt…
Leo blinked. It should've felt like- like something, but the feeling wasn't there. Confused, Leo placed a hand against the side of his head, where some of the throbbing pain still remained.
On their way to the dojo Leo had realized that he was in no condition to practice with the power. Mikey must've seen the exhaustion on his face, and they had agreed that going to the dojo would have to wait. It had been late anyway, so they had bid each other goodnight before taking quick showers and heading to bed.
The next day Leonardo looked slightly better, having been able to get at least some sleep despite his headache not completely leaving. He stayed in the dojo after morning practice, and this time he wasn't staying alone.
Michelangelo was sitting at the side of the room, his legs crossed under him as he watched his brother. Leonardo placed one of his katana down on the weapon rack, and while his shell was still turned to his younger brother, he pressed a small cut into his wrist. This part Michelangelo didn't need to know about. Then he walked to the opposite side of the dojo, careful to not let the blood drop onto the floor, and turned to look at the sword.
The dojo was silent. Mikey was uncharacteristically quiet, just watching without making any comments. Leo took a deep breath, and tried to do what he'd done on the rooftop yesterday. There had been a lot going on then- but he remembered just thinking about the sword, remembered the desperation coursing through him. If he could call the sword to him only with strong emotions, then this would be useless. But this way he could find out whether he could do this or not.
He lifted his hand towards the weapon rack, imagined the way it felt to draw a sword out of its sheath, how the material felt against his hand, how he'd curl his fingers around the hilt, imagined the katana coming to him- and it did.
It flew through the air, and he caught it with ease. The hilt was reddened by his blood for only a second, the liquid quickly vanishing as he held his weapon. As expected, the sharp pain struck him again, and even though Leo had tried to prepare himself for it, he still silently winced once it hit him.
"That really is so cool," Mikey exclaimed, jumping up from where he'd been sitting. His fear of the demon and his displeasure towards the power seemed to be forgotten at the moment. "Are you going to do it again?"
The headache made Leo want to say no, but if he wanted to train himself, he'd have to push on. Leo nodded, and Mikey offered to take his katana back to the weapon rack. Leo handed him his weapon, and made another shallow cut when his brother wasn't looking.
As he kept repeating the exercise, the ache in his head only grew. When he began sweating and his hands started to tremble, he knew he had to stop. He couldn't let Mikey see how much this was affecting him.
But apparently his brother had already noticed, because suddenly he was standing next to him, watching him with worry while taking his sword from him.
"You need a break," Mikey stated. "Maybe there's something else you need to do first so that it doesn't hurt, like, um… uh… well, maybe you could try to explain how you're doing it in the first place?"
Leonardo wondered why he was even doing this, since the pain was only getting worse. It seemed that the pain wouldn't lessen with practice, and he wouldn't even be needing this for long. Which meant that it was alright if he didn't perfect this, it was alright if he just gave up.
Still, just like failing at any other task, it bothered him. It just wasn't in him to give up.
"I just imagine the sword coming to me," Leo mumbled, massaging his temple, keeping his eyes closed as he waited for the worst of the ache to pass. There was that… grinding feeling in his head again, like something wasn't right, like…
"You're shaking," Mikey noticed then. "Maybe this isn't a good idea after all. No, it definitely isn't, this is just doing more harm than good."
"It's temporary, Mikey," Leo reminded him, opening his eyes and reaching for the sword Mikey was holding. The turtle in orange took a step back, preventing him from taking his sword back.
A wave of desperation washed over him. Don't let him take it, he was reminded. You need it.
Mikey blinked at Leo's stunned look. "Dude, I'm not taking your sword away. I just said you need a break." He handed Leo his sword back, and his brother took it hastily, once again burying the suddenly appeared feelings.
"I can't give this up," Leo said once he had collected himself, staring down at his blade. "I- I need this, Mikey, don't you- don't you understand? Without my swords, I'm-"
"I understand," Mikey hurried to say, taking a step closer to put a hand over Leo's shoulder. "I get it. You've always hated to lose or even be separated from your swords. I know how helpless you must've felt when you couldn't use them."
Leo nodded stiffly, still struggling to push down the remaining feelings of panic at the possibility of losing his sword. He really needed to figure out something for this other part of his- he couldn't be thrown on a loop like this every time something made him feel like he wasn't in control.
"You must have a killer headache. Let's get you some painkillers," Mikey decided, still holding his hand on Leo's shoulder as he started to guide him out of the dojo. "And some tea."
Leo didn't like how much he had been relying on painkillers lately, but the ache was nasty enough to not make him care, so he followed after his brother obediently. Besides, tea sounded heavenly right now.
They had barely gotten the kettle on the stove when Don peeked in.
"Mikey, do you have a moment? I have to take some parts up to the garage and could use some help."
Because of the ambush they hadn't managed to visit the scrapyard, but Donatello seemed busy even without any new parts.
"Why are you asking just me? Leo's here as well!" Michelangelo complained. It wasn't like he was going to make Leonardoo any work with his seemingly terrible headache, but Donatello hadn't known about that!
"He got his arm cut yesterday, I'm not going to make him carry anything heavy," Don said dully, like it should've been obvious.
"Oh, right," Mikey realized, standing up. "Okay, okay, I'm coming." He turned to Leo. "Be back in a bit."
"Sorry I can't help," Leo said, but Mikey just waved his hand at him and left. His arm didn't hurt enough to stop him from carrying something, but he had a feeling that it would be his palms that would cause a problem if he tried to lift something heavy. Sighing, Leo turned to stare at the kettle… and decided to make something warm to drink for Mikey and Don for when they'd return, knowing they wouldn't be as happy about tea as he was.
He was just grabbing the coffee when he heard footsteps, turning his head to see Raph walk in.
"Hey," Raph greeted, and Leo noted he wasn't limping, which meant that the wound in his leg really wasn't that bad, like Don had already told them.
"Hey. I was making coffee and hot chocolate, which would you prefer?"
Raph liked both, so Leo watched him out of the corner of his eye as he thought about it. Finally Raph shrugged, "Eh, I'll go for the hot chocolate."
"Sure thing," Leo said, turning back to making the drinks. The painkillers were slowly kicking in, and Leo was starting to feel slightly better, but he still felt worn. He leaned against the counter as he waited for both the water and milk to boil.
"Ya okay?" Raph asked, eyeing him from the side.
"Yeah, just tired," Leo answered. He was a bit surprised that Mikey hadn't already told Don and Raph about the power. Mikey wasn't known for his ability to keep secrets. Maybe he had already told them? No, if he had, Don and Raph would've brought it up already.
Tired and in pain, Leo wanted to tell Raph and Don about the power, even though he wasn't thrilled about the idea of them scolding him. He wanted to come clean about everything, about the strange feeling using the power left, but… he was afraid they wouldn't be as understanding as Mikey had been. There was also the possibility that his brothers would be hurt that he'd kept this to himself. He didn't want to hurt them, he didn't want to cause a fight.
He kept silent for the same reason as before; this was temporary. He didn't need to worry them for something that was going to be over soon anyway.
"Uh-huh." Raph sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and leaned back against the chair. The tea water was ready, and Leonardo poured it into two cups, aiming to take the other to Master Splinter. While the tea brewed, he took out the cups for both the coffee and hot cocoa.
"So, did Mikey break something of yours, or why'd you make him stay in the dojo after practice?" Raph asked.
"No, he… wanted to stay," Leo said, changing the subject before Raph could ask more questions. "Is Don working on the Battle Shell since he's taking items up into the garage?"
"Mikey staying willingly in the dojo? What, did he hit his head?" Raph shook his head at the thought but dropped the subject. "Yeah, he's working on it but he didn't let me help carry anythin'. I can walk just fine, but he wouldn't listen. Said I could help him later, though."
Leonardo nodded, then picked up Splinter's tea and headed out towards the living room, where he knew the Sensei would be at this time of the day. Master Splinter took the tea gratefully, and as Leonardo was returning to the kitchen, he could already hear Michelangelo's voice.
"Hey, it smells like coffee. Guess that means you gotta take a break, Donnie!" His voice was coming from the elevator, meaning his brothers had just come down from the garage.
"There are still things we need to move-"
"-Which we can do after the break."
Leo was still standing by the living room's entrance, and watched as Mikey dragged Don towards the kitchen before following after them. The drinks were ready, just needed to be poured into the mugs. Raph had already helped himself to his portion, sipping on it when Mikey realized that he hadn't smelled just coffee.
"Wow, this is just what I needed!" Mikey announced, pouncing over to the stove to pour himself some of the hot cocoa. After he'd taken his first sip, he noticed Leo grabbing his tea. "Did you make this, Leo? Oh man, the garage is already so chilly, it feels so nice to drink something warm."
Leo nodded shortly. Winter really wasn't that far anymore, and once it neared, the garage did get rather cold.
"Thank you for the coffee, Leo," Don thanked him with a smile as he took a seat. Everyone noticed how tightly Don was holding onto the warm cup, telling them that he'd gotten cold as well.
"The first cold always makes me miss the summer. I mean, I like the snow, but everything else is just… slippery or cold. Hey, remember that one day from last summer, when we were visiting the farmhouse and it got super warm?" The look in Mikey's eyes turned distant as he thought back. "It was so hot we were just lying on the rocks by the pond the whole day. We did absolutely nothing, just dozed off! In the sun!"
It really was rare for them to see the sun, even rarer for them to be able to relax under sunlight. The brightness of the day usually meant danger for them, meant that they had to be on high alert. Leonardo thought back to summer as well, to their time at the farmhouse… only to pull a blank. There had been a day like that? Just last summer?
"Oh yeah, it was so hot April and Case were just sittin' in the shadows to avoid getting burnt," Raph chuckled.
"Master Splinter refused to come out of the farmhouse for a few days," Don commented with a slight chuckle.
"Must be tough having fur in the summer," Mikey said, then took another sip of his drink, sighing contently. "But kinda lucky in the winter."
"What else happened at the farmhouse this summer, Mikey?" Leo asked, hoping he sounded nonchalant about it. He fiddled with the edge of the bandaging covering his left palm, and when he glanced at his brother Mikey looked surprised, but excited that he was asked to elaborate.
"Let me think, um, the fishing contest- it was me and Leo against Don and Raph. The score was pretty even, until Raph's hook got lodged in the back of his belt, and-"
Raph groaned, "I had hoped you'd forgotten about that."
"How could I? It was so funny- when Don rose up to help Raphie he was still struggling so much he tilted the boat over! And then both he and Don were caught in their nets and we were laughing so much we almost tipped our boat over!"
Leo stared past his brother, suddenly feeling empty. He couldn't remember that at all. To him, the story was like something Mikey had just made up, but Raph and Don clearly remembered it. Raph was mumbling to himself, while Don hid a smile behind his hand. Leo tried to think about their times at the farmhouse- they had so many good memories from there to balance out all the bad ones from when they had gone there to recover from their injuries. He could recall many memories, many events, but… there were empty spots as well. Spots where he knew there should be something. It was like the memories were missing, like they'd disappeared, like… like he'd just forgotten.
When he dug deeper into his mind, desperately searching for the missing pieces, he was met with a familiar pain, the ache in his head intestistifying again.
And that was when he understood. There couldn't be any other explanation for such recent memories to suddenly go missing. Using the demon's power had caused that grating feeling in his head; either using it was damaging his mind, or using it didn't require just his blood, but something else as well. Something much more important.
But… why memories? It seemed so random, it made no sense…
Mikey was telling another story, and his brothers were laughing. But it was the same as before, when he'd agreed to show Mikey the sword-thing, when he had been supposed to feel something when he'd seen his brother smiling. He was supposed to laugh with them now, he was supposed to feel the same happiness, but it just wasn't there. Just like the memories, the feeling itself was missing.
Did the power take both memories and… emotions? Or was he just unable to feel anything because he didn't remember the events? Memories were pieces of him, pieces of what made him what he was.
But at the very least, I'll take this one with me.
Leonardo had barely been conscious at that point, but he remembered those being the demon's last words. Maybe it hadn't meant to kill him back there. Maybe it had meant for this to happen, to leave a part of itself behind, a part that would slowly destroy him. He'd already thought that maybe the demon had won by injuring his hands so badly, but maybe this was the demon's true victory. It had gotten what it had wanted, after all. It was still taking him down with it, piece by piece, and he was realizing it only now.
His brothers were still talking around him, but Leonardo wasn't hearing them anymore, staring numbly down at his bandaged hands.
A/N: Anyone remember that comic page where Leo offers to make Raph tea, then coffee and something else, but Raph only accepts hot chocolate with marshmallows? :D I was thinking about it while writing this... I'll find it and put in on my tumblr, it's a cute page!