A/N: I know wounds in hands/wrists and self-harm have been brought up in this fic already, but just wanted to mention again that there will be possibly triggering parts about self-harm and dissociation in this chapter and in the upcoming chapters, so please be careful if these topics make you feel uneasy. Stay safe and thank you for reading! Also, a big thank you to everyone who left a review on the last chapter, I greatly appreciate them!
It was clear that Leo's headache went from a mild pain to agony in just a few seconds.
Their brother was hunched over, digging his nails into his scalp. When he wasn't gritting his teeth together in obvious hurt he was muttering to himself, his voice pained and hushed.
"Just hold on Leo, those painkillers will help soon, right, Donnie?" Mikey glanced helplessly at Don while he grabbed Leo's wrists, bringing his hands down to prevent him from scratching his own skin.
"Yes, they should kick in soon," Don said, but his face was filled with concern. There were no visible injuries, why was Leo in so much pain? From what Mikey had told, Leo hadn't felt the demon's presence in his head – but that was exactly how the demon had possessed him the first time, giving Leo no clues about it's presence, hiding until it had been strong enough to take control.
"C'mon bro," Raph wrapped an arm around Leo's shoulders and pulled him close, as if he could somehow shield him from the pain. Leo pressed against him with a muted groan, making Raph hold him tighter. "Just… just hang on."
"Can you give him something more for his pain, Donatello?" Splinter asked, sounding uneasy and worried.
"I'm going to give him something stronger if this doesn't pass soon," Don said quietly. And just then they noticed that Leo's breathing was starting to calm down, his tense body starting to relax. He was leaning limply against Raph's hold when he opened his eyes, looking worn.
"Take it easy, Leo," Don said gently. "Don't try to move, just let us help you."
Leo didn't look like he was going to protest. Mikey propped up the pillows behind his shell, and Leo allowed Raph to gently help him sit back against them.
"Pain's finally going away?" Mikey asked, watching as Leo took a few deep breaths before he nodded.
"We'll let you get some rest, but do you think that you could answer a few questions before that?" Don asked while sitting down on a chair next to Leo's cot and scooting closer.
The look in Leo's eyes was glazed, but he turned to look at him anyway, nodding again.
"You're having trouble with your memory, and the pain you just had was because of your headache, correct?" Another nod. "Do you… do you know what was causing the pain?" This time there was no answer, just a frown on Leo's face. "Leo, if-"
"It got worse, for a moment," Leo mumbled slowly. "The pain made it difficult to… focus. I got… confused and…"
And almost succumbed to the unfortunate side-effects of using the power. Everything had hurt and became so blurry so fast, and then, just as fast as his downspiral had begun, it had been over. His thoughts had cleared again, his fear of losing his memories had given way to the exhaustion of the sudden episode. He had found himself in Raph's tight embrace with everyone else hovering close by, having only distantly been aware that his brother had pulled him close.
Even though he was still confused about what exactly had happened tonight, still having only hazy memories, he wasn't as desperate to remember as a moment ago. He was simply relieved the episode had passed, that his confused thoughts had cleared up again. And also too exhausted to muster up the energy to try to remember tonight's events, hoping that his brothers would explain things instead of having to dig for the memories himself.
"Have any of your memories of tonight returned?" Splinter asked just then; apparently he had taken too long to answer Don's question, and they thought he didn't know the answer. It also seemed that they were expecting Leo to remember the events on his own, and doing his best not to sigh Leo lifted his hand to his head again. This time it looked like he wasn't doing it because he was hurting, but simply because he was trying to think.
"We were at the docks to stop the Purple Dragons," Raph reminded him. "Ring a bell?"
"You used the power," Mikey added. "To throw your swords, to stop the seller from exploding the shipment, and, well, us. Think that was why your head was hurting so much?"
"Maybe." Their words helped him to start putting the pieces back together. He remembered the horrible pain that had filled his head after using the power, remembered the blood he'd tasted on his lips before he'd passed out. He felt a faint throb in the back of his head again, causing him to groan; he didn't feel like experiencing the same intense pain again, but he wanted to remember. Wanted to know what exactly had happened, even though the feeling of returning memories was everything but pleasant.
And besides… the memories were returning, despite the fearful moment of thinking he was losing it all. He was remembering, he hadn't lost any memories. At least not any recent ones. And- he remembered now that he hadn't really had a choice. If he hadn't used the power, if he hadn't thrown the swords and there had been an explosion...
Leo lifted his head and looked at Raph, finding him sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at him with some worry. Raph and Casey had been right next to the shipment that had almost got blown up.
"You- you're alright, Raph?" Leo asked, even though he could see for himself that Raph looked fine. "A-and Casey?"
"I'm fine, and so is he," Raph told him, seeming relieved that Leo appeared to remember now. "He just left."
"You are the one your brothers and I are concerned about," Master Splinter said, bringing Leonardo's attention to him. "It seems that there is something you haven't told us. About this… skill that you used."
Despite the older mutant's neutral tone, or perhaps because of it, Leonardo flinched. He remembered being right next to Donatello and Michelangelo when he'd thrown his swords, so of course they'd seen him use the power, and- he looked at the youngest. Michelangelo had already known about it.
And it seemed like everyone else knew too. Raphael's body language changed to something stiffer, holding his arms crossed over his chest now. Donatello watched him warily, and Michelangelo with worry. Sensei was… he wasn't letting his thoughts show, and that could only mean he wasn't pleased with the situation.
"Ya know that I should be yelling at you right now, don't ya?" Raph huffed. "What were ya thinking?"
This was why he hadn't told them. They didn't understand, they would've stopped him.
...And this was exactly why he should've told them. He should've been stopped since he hadn't realized to stop himself.
"I didn't know something like this could happen," Leo said quietly. He'd known using the power could leave him weak, but he hadn't known he'd have to use it so much tonight, hadn't known it would render him unconscious for such a long time. He didn't know how long exactly he'd been dead to the world, but the fact that they were back at the lair and everyone was already patched up meant that a good amount of time had passed. That made him realize another thing, and he hastily looked at his brothers. "What happened to the shipment?"
"The police have it," Don said. "Hun fell into the sea, but the fall wasn't very high. I'm sure he got away, but I'm also sure he's not in a very good mood."
"When is he ever?" Mikey asked while Raph muttered something darker about the Dragon leader.
"I'm sorry," Leo said, looking away from his family, feeling ashamed that he'd left his brothers to solve the mess while becoming an additional liability to them. "This was the last time. I won't be using it anymore."
"Did you consider at all what kind of danger this could've brought?" Splinter asked, and now his disappointment was showing in his voice. "Not just to you, but to your family. Didn't the encounter with the demon teach you anything despite all the suffering it caused? Have you so quickly forgotten what it was capable of?"
Leonardo forced himself to meet Sensei's gaze despite the pain holding his eyes open was starting to cause. The look in Splinter's eyes was piercing.
"I had thought that at this point you would be wiser." As he continued, he lightly shook his head. "I would never have thought that you, Leonardo, could become so blinded by power that you'd take a risk like this."
Guilt had followed him like a shadow for the past month, but the feeling flowing into him now was different. He'd felt guilty that he had allowed the demon into their home, that he hadn't been able to stop it, that he'd been so weak. But he'd tried to accept the fact that the demon had been sneaky and manipulative, that it hadn't been him who had hurt his family.
But now it could've been. Had the power become dangerous, the fault would've been completely his. Before, he'd been so sure he hadn't done this for power, but now his Sensei's words made him doubt himself. Had he really become so blind by his need to keep fighting that he'd forgotten how dangerous the demon was? Sure his memories of all the hurt were blurry sometimes, but he hadn't forgotten the things it had done. He hadn't forgotten, yet he'd still kept using the power. He hadn't forgotten, yet he had once again brought a terrible danger into their home.
"I'm sorry," Leonardo repeated, truly meaning it, lowering his gaze. "I don't know what I was thinking."
"Why the hell were ya even using it?" Raphael asked heatedly. "Ya really couldn't wait for your hands ta get better? Mike said it gave you real bad headaches, so I don't know, it doesn't even sound like a good trade to me. It was hurtin' ya, wasn't that a good enough reason to stop using it?"
"It was the only way I could fight with you," Leonardo said, lifting his head back up as he tried to weakly defend himself. "I- I knew it was a bad thing to use it, of course I did, but the other option was to stay behind, and I…"
He felt the other part again. Felt his panic. They're angry, they're going to hurt us. And then we'll hurt them, and it- it never ends, I can't, not anymore-
The other part was still caught in those memories of their brothers hurting them. Leonardo tried to push his voice away, not succeeding very well.
"I just couldn't- couldn't do that. Couldn't stay behind, not knowing if you were okay-" Leonardo realized that some of the other part's panic had caught into his own voice, but he suddenly couldn't stop talking, couldn't pause to try to get rid of the tremor in his words. "And nothing bad came out of using the power. Just the headaches, but they weren't that bad. Not before tonight, at least. The only reason I was able to fight was because of it, and I- I was able to save you tonight because of it."
A vision of an exploding dock filled his mind for a moment. He knew he had done something stupid, but it still hurt to be blamed for just trying to save his family. No… he wasn't being blamed because of that, he was being blamed because of the huge risk he'd taken. Which was well deserved.
But he'd meant to tell them, hadn't he? He suddenly couldn't recall when he'd decided against it. He had been about to do it before the mission, he'd known it was important, so why hadn't he…?
His family was still staring at him, so Leo forced his thoughts away from that to continue. "I can't- I can't deal with the thought of you getting hurt," he admitted, staring past his brothers. "Ever since the demon I've been so afraid of it happening. I really am not going to use the power anymore, but if you keep going topside, I… I might have to."
Realizing that only brought more despair, feeding the panic slowly growing in his chest.
"But using it is not an option anymore, is it? If something like this happens again, I'm only bringing more danger by getting on your way. I can't get dizzy on a mission, definitely can't pass out- but I- I just- have to do something, I don't know what, but- but-"
Leonardo hadn't realized that he was shaking before his brothers had shifted even closer, before there was a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"It's okay, Leo, you said no missions after this one, so we won't be going anywhere," Donatello said gently. "There'll be time to heal, you don't have to use the power anymore."
"You have been troubled for a long time, my son," Splinter said from next to them, his voice much softer now. "Not just because of this power. It's been a while since the demon wreaked havoc in our lives, but we are still living the aftermath. The healing process isn't over, so it is understandable that some things are not easy to share, especially if we don't understand them ourselves, if we feel like we wouldn't be understood, if we feel like it's something we should've left behind us already."
Leonardo shifted on the cot, Sensei's words hitting too close.
"It is a difficult topic. So much happened, we were all put into situations that made us feel weak and vulnerable. They are not easy feelings to process or share. They might even make us feel like they are problems we shouldn't burden others with. But, I am sure everyone agrees when I say that sharing your troubles never burdens any of us; it is relieving to know what is going on with our loved ones. It makes us feel trusted when someone speaks of their worries. It makes us worry less when we can solve troubles together." Splinter looked slowly at his sons, gaining no objections to his words. "Sharing our problems often frees us of them. We simply have to give ourselves the permission to do so. We want to help you, Leonardo, and you have to let yourself see that. You have to give yourself permission to receive that help."
It was their Father's way of saying that you've bottled things up for too long, speak up. And yes, there was the problem of getting caught in flashbacks, of hearing a constantly panicking voice in his head… but how could he admit that? How could he tell them what a mess his mind was? They'd think he was losing it. They'd think that was why he had used the power; not because he had needed to use it, but because he wasn't in his right mind anymore. Especially if he admitted that he'd hurt himself to use the power. Telling the whole truth would only hurt them.
If he mentioned the voice, they might even think that it was the demon.
The thought made the voice in his head loud again. No! They can't think that, they'll tie us up again, they'll hurt us, they'll hurt us for bringing it into the lair, don't tell them, please don't let them! One of his brothers was talking, but the voice was louder. It wasn't even yelling, it actually barely spoke above a whisper, yet somehow he could hear nothing but it. Doesn't matter, they'll do it anyway. Doesn't matter, because it's deserved. Shouldn't have been so stupid. Should've known, should've saved them. But I let them die, I killed them-
"Leo!"
Someone shook him, and he lifted his wide eyes up to see the worried faces of his brothers.
"S-sorry," Leo mumbled, feeling cold sweat sticking to his skin. His head hurt again, he felt sick. He knew he couldn't keep this a secret forever, but the thought of talking just made him even more nauseous. He'd have to sort his thoughts so that he could explain this properly, without hurting their feelings, without making this sound too bad. Because it wasn't, not really, all he'd done were small cuts, they'd heal in no time. They deserved an explanation, but he couldn't give it to them right now, he had to think how to word this so as to not cause them worry and pain. "I do want to talk to you, but could we… could we do it in the morning?"
His brothers just stared at him, the worry on their faces not going anywhere. But the exhaustion must've been clear on his face for slowly they gave him more room.
But Splinter remained next to his cot.
"Yes, it is a good idea for all of us to get some rest. But first, let me see your hands."
Leo felt something in his chest tighten. He glanced down at his hands, then back up at Master Splinter. As he looked him in the eyes, the feeling inside him turned into something awful. Sensei knew. He knew what he'd done, and now he wanted everyone to see. Maybe he even knew how messed his head was, Sensei had always had a freaky sense for what was going on with them-
Don't let him. Can't let them know.
"No," Leo said quietly, unable to say anything more, his thoughts spinning again, the nausea inside of him growing.
"Leo, your bandages need to be changed," Don said, stepping forward again. "I can do it, Sensei, I-"
Master Splinter reached for his hand, his fingers curling around Leo's wrist, the hold gentle until it wasn't. His nails were digging into him, tearing through his bandages and sinking through his skin, and everything crumbled.
Told you they'd hurt us. Told you. Should've ran. No, that never works either, better to let it happen, no, we need to fight, need to save them, need to...
Instinct kicked in, causing Leo to yank his hand away, wincing at the feel of the claws scraping against him. He pushed himself up from the bed- someone tried to push him back down, but this time he dodged their hands, nearly stumbling down onto the floor in his haste to get away.
"–it's okay, calm down, it's okay–"
Words managed to cut through the panicky state he was in, and as he blinked, he could see his family staring at him, their worried eyes locked onto him. He felt himself breathing harshly, felt his legs move as he backed away from them.
"It is alright," Master Splinter said, his voice soft as he took a careful step closer. "You've been hurting for a long time, and we simply wish to help you. Come sit back down and let us talk, my son."
He'd told them he couldn't. He'd told them he'd talk tomorrow, when he'd hopefully know what to say- he understood why they'd doubt his word for he'd kept silent for so long, but this hurt. Splinter pushing him like this meant that he didn't trust him to talk to them, meant that he felt that he needed to make him talk by exposing the state of his hands. They didn't trust his word, hadn't even waited until morning to see if he'd keep his word and talk to them.
They've lost all their trust in you. Why should they believe a word you say? Time and time again you've lured them into the tunnels to chase them down and hurt them.
He backed away until his shell hit the wall. Right… this was another punishment.
"Don't," Leo still tried when Splinter took another step closer. His head was still killing him, his legs felt heavy. "I told you I'd talk later."
Now he definitely didn't know how to explain things to them. His heart was still beating wildly in his chest, he knew that Splinter hadn't really clawed at his hands, hadn't broken skin, or had he? It was impossible to put his thoughts together like this. His vision blurred, he felt like he'd been driven into a corner and he needed to get out, but Master stood firmly in the middle of the room, between him and the door, blocking the only exit.
"You shouldn't be needing those bandages anymore, Leonardo. They've bled through even when they shouldn't have."
They couldn't see what he'd done. They'd get the wrong idea if they saw the cuts, they'd think he was crazy, a danger to himself, and the last time he had been that they had tied him up and locked him into his room- it had never bothered him, it'd been necessary at the time, he was glad his brothers had done it. By doing so they had protected both him and themselves from the demon.
But the memory of that had had time to become twisted as his other part kept showing it to him over and over again, kept whispering about all the bad things that were going to happen to him. Now Leonardo felt nothing but a surge of panic at the idea that he'd be tied or locked in his room again so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Some part of him knew that they wouldn't do something so extreme, but even the idea had him pressing himself tightly against the wall. He couldn't stand that, to be locked away, left behind, left alone with these terrible thoughts and emotions in his head.
While he'd been numbly staring forward, caught in his messy thoughts, Master Splinter had moved closer. Leonardo flinched away from him, moving along the wall in an attempt to put some distance between them.
"Please, Leonardo. I only wish to help you," Master Splinter said with a hint of sadness in his voice when his son acted like he was afraid of him. "If there's nothing wrong, then you can show me your hands-"
"Don't touch me." Leonardo was standing in the corner of the room, now actually cornered. He kept his hands pressed against the wall behind him for support, and to keep them as far away from Splinter as he could.
"Leonardo…" Master Splinter reached out, towards him, and Leonardo tried to move away. Only there was nowhere to go and he was feeling too weak to move anyway, so when his Sensei took a gentle hold of his wrist, removing it from the wall it was pressed against, Leonardo only whimpered from distress.
"Sensei, maybe we shouldn't…" Donatello said weakly from the side, hesitant to oppose the head of the family, but Leonardo's discomfort made him try anyway.
"It is alright," Splinter said softly, carefully starting to unwrap the bandages covering Leo's wrist. Leo tried to push him with his other hand, but the attempt was weak; he was loath to actually push Splinter, not wanting to risk hurting him when he already had a broken leg.
He ended up having to withdraw his hand, forced to place it back against the wall to keep his balance. His legs were shaking, nearly giving out under him. The nausea he was feeling was overwhelming.
"Don't," Leo tried again, more firmly now, his vision still blurry, yet he understood exactly what was going on. Father was about to see the cuts, everything was falling apart. If he'd been blamed before, then this would bring a whole new level of blame. He'd become so weak that he'd been forced to injure himself, he'd become so desperate that he'd done something like this just to have the power. It wouldn't be just about the danger he'd kept in their home, it would be about how far he'd fallen, how pathetic he had become to do something like this to himself.
There was a dull ringing in his ears, something dark in his mind. You should've stopped this. He had gotten his chance to explain this on his own terms, but he hadn't taken it. He'd tried to hide this so badly, obviously they'd get the wrong idea now that he fought so hard to not reveal his hands. You should've been better than this. They wouldn't believe his explanations, his brothers would never respect him again after this. Maybe they'd already lost all their respect and trust in him; he'd been too much of a coward to tell them about this, risking everyone's safety by going on that mission. You're nothing in their eyes.
The bandages fell to the floor, and Leo knew his brothers had moved closer. Not to stop this from happening, but to see what dirty secret lay underneath the bandages. He had been driven against a wall, he was vulnerable, helpless, coming undone in front of them. He was in the tunnel again, surrounded by his family, but they weren't here to help him. They were here to reveal his mistakes and failures, to punish him for letting the demon into their home, to punish him for still holding onto its power. They'd hurt him like they did every time he was here.
The other part crawled free, and Leonardo didn't have the strength to even try to push him down. He felt himself plummet, kind of like when he lost control with the demon; the room faded away, and so did the voices around him alongside all the emotional distress and pain.
What was left was the emptiness around him, something familiar and dark reaching for him, whispering…
In the sickbay the only part left of him was fear. "Don't touch me!" Leonardo yelled, his voice a mixture of shaky fear and wild panic. The light bulb hanging from the ceiling exploded, as well as the nightlight on a nearby table. The loss of light coated the room in darkness, and at the same time items started to fall from their shelves all around the room. Packs of gauze and band aids, bottles of medicine, the ones made of glass shattering against the stone floor. Leonardo had the sudden strength to yank his hand from Splinter's grasp.
There were confused sounds, someone cursed, there was movement around him as his family moved away from the shelves to avoid the dropping items and shattered glass. Used to the darkness, the panicking side of Leonardo dashed past them and out of the room. He hit his shoulder on the doorway as he blindly rushed out, stumbling, but managing to keep his balance. Despite the demon's power surging through him his earlier exhaustion was still making it difficult to move, but panic and fear drove him to get away from the tunnel he was sure he was in. So far running had never helped, but he had the power as his aid now, it had already helped to create a distraction, he could escape this time-
Leonardo made it to the kitchen, but for him it was still the sewer. It was unusually bright here, like there was a light above him, but he didn't have the time to pay it any attention. There was a grey wall in front of him, the end of yet another tunnel – a dead end. His eyes searched for a way out, but there was nothing. His shoulders sagged. He should've expected this, should've known there was never a way out, should've known the power had been just another lie, just another way to get his hopes up before everything crumbled again-
"Leo!"
He whirled around. They'd caught up to him already and they'd drag him back. He wanted to cover away, but… he still had the power. Having it didn't make him fear his surroundings any less, but somehow it grounded him enough to… to make him want to fight back. He'd never really dared to try it before, had never wanted to do it before, because in the end, the ones hurting him were still his brothers. The reason they were after him was because he'd hurt them first, the pain they gave him was justified. If they hurt him bad enough, he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone anymore.
But- he was tired. Hadn't he been punished enough? No, nothing would be enough to make up for the fact that he'd tortured them, hurt them in unspeakable ways- but- he just- just couldn't take much more. He couldn't go back, not just yet. He just needed a moment, and then he'd go back, he'd even go willingly, a moment was all he needed, just a short break from being so hurt all of the time.
To get that moment away from pain, he needed to use the power. The light above him – the kitchen light? No, he was still in the sewers – flickered in warning, the drawers around the room started to slide open. The darkness in his head whispered louder, and knives and other sharp kitchen tools started to rise from the open drawers.
His brothers stood by the kitchen entrance. His vision was blurry from the agony in his head, so it was hard to focus on them. One moment they were bloody and broken like they always were, the second they were looking at the slowly floating knives with wide eyes.
"I'm sorry," Leonardo gasped, "I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, I don't want to hurt you, ever again, I just need you to- to stay away, I'm not going back yet-"
"Leo, we- we're not going to hurt you," one of them said, but the whispers were so loud it was hard to make out which one of them was talking. "You can put the knives down, please put them down-"
Of course they would ask him to put them down so that they could drag him back. He shook his head, and the knives floated higher.
"I'm so sorry this happened, we don't have to talk, we can leave you be, we just want to make sure you're okay before we go-"
The whispers kept getting louder, like they were trying to drown the words of his brothers. But he heard them anyway, heard the sadness in their voices when they spoke to him. Why were they doing this to him? Why were they making it so hard to fight back? This was all useless. He couldn't hurt them, not again. He was fighting for nothing. A break from the pain wouldn't change anything, they would always end up winning. As they should. He was being a coward, fighting his own punishment.
The knives and other items all fell at the same time, hitting the floor with some clatter. Leonardo collapsed down onto his knees, too tired to hold himself up anymore.
But nobody rushed to hurt him. The sewer- or the kitchen- was silent, even the whispers had quieted down now that he'd let go of the power. He felt something wet and warm on his face, and lifted his hand up to touch his snout. He knew it was blood even before looking down at his hand.
He was awfully dizzy. It was difficult to breathe, difficult to stay up on his knees, difficult to simply exist. Why did he exist when there was nothing but suffering for him? Wasn't this enough already? Why didn't they just kill him, like he'd killed them-
Nothing made sense. Nothing ever did.
"I'm tired," Leonardo breathed out, watching one of the knives he'd dropped. It was right next to his left hand. "I'm so tired."
"I'm sorry this happened, Leo, I… we should've stepped in." He recognized Don's voice now, but kept his dull gaze on the knife… and picked it up. The contact made the cuts in his unbandaged hand burn. "Should've told him to not corner you like that."
The sorrow in Don's voice made him finally look at him. They had all moved closer to him, but had kept some distance. Don was the closest to him, with Mikey and Raph right behind him. Why weren't they just attacking him already? They never waited this long to hurt him, and the last time he'd been spoken to like this had been when he'd managed to push the other part aside, the part usually in control. Back in the lab, where he'd briefly talked with Don.
"I talked with you in the lab before, didn't I?" Don asked him calmly just then as if he'd read his thoughts. Maybe that was just an ability his brother had, for they always knew where he was, always found him, always hurt him- no, he couldn't let his thoughts go there, couldn't go panicking again. It was enough that he'd already trashed the sick bay, he didn't need to get himself worked up again. He'd brought enough trouble by his behavior, by not being able to do anything but cover in fear in front of his family. That was obviously why Don had known it was him in control now. It was obvious he was the wretched part that couldn't do anything but cover from fear in front of his family, the pathetic part that couldn't leave the tunnel even after all this time. "You mentioned "going back" just now, back then as well. What's the place you don't want to go to?"
Leonardo, or at least the part currently in control, stared at him. Was this- was this really the Donatello that hadn't wanted to hurt him? He hesitated to answer, so confused now, but the tone his brother was using was so gentle and genuine. He'd missed hearing it so much, and if he wanted to hear more of it, he had to answer.
"The tunnel," Leonardo managed to rasp out, and Donatello nodded, like he understood. Of course he did; he would soon drag him back there.
But instead of doing that, Don kept asking questions, "What's making you go there?"
"Donnie, what-" Raph interrupted, but Don hushed him. Leo glanced warily at the brother in red, but returned his gaze to Don. Why was he asking something like that? He knew the answer. He was the answer.
His vision blurred again, and Leo shook his head to clear it. After that he blinked, then looked around and could properly see the kitchen around him. He wasn't in the sewer. Of course he wasn't, how else could he have moved all the knives, how hadn't he realized…? He looked back at his brothers. They were still waiting for his answer, still looking at him with concern.
"It's… the…" He wasn't used to speaking. He was usually begging or pleading his other part or his brothers. What was he even going to say? He tasted blood on his lips and lifted his hand to wipe at his snout again, his other hand still holding the knife.
"Take it easy," Don told him softly. "There's no rush, but you're still bleeding... would you like to get up from the floor first?"
Leo flinched away from the mere thought of being touched, but as soon as he tried to move he almost fell over onto his side instead. His vision grew blurry once more, and he shook his head again. He shouldn't fight them, if they wanted to hurt him, they could've easily done so already. He was too weak to run, and they knew it. And it wasn't like he even needed to run, he was in the kitchen, not in the tunnel. He just needed to keep reminding himself of that.
"Easy- can I help you? I'll just touch your arm, if you'll let me," Don offered, not moving towards him just yet. Leo eyed him warily, still unsure if this was real. Maybe it was the soft tone he was being spoken to, maybe it was his paralyzing exhaustion, but he ended up nodding despite knowing he'd end up regretting letting them close. He felt too worn to get up on his own, and he didn't want to say no, fearing that denying the offer would just make the kindness stop faster.
Don moved to kneel next to him, grabbing his arm to help him up. Leo didn't mean to lean on him so much, but his body felt numb, and he had no choice than to do so. Don didn't seem to mind, taking his weight and helping him stand up. Mikey had moved closer to drag one of the kitchen chairs next to them, and Don helped him sit down on it. He saw Raph handing Don something, and then the genius was offering him a small piece of cloth.
"For your face," Don explained when Leo didn't take it. The blood on his face was an uncomfortable feeling now that he focused on it again, so he ended up lifting his hand to take the cloth, pressing it against his beak to stop the bleeding.
"Okay, so. If you'd like to continue where you left off, we'd be more than happy to listen. If not, that's okay. You don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to. I'm still so sorry we… made you react like this."
Leo shook his head, slowly because of the ache. It wasn't their fault he was like this. Broken.
It didn't matter if he wanted to talk or not, in the end they'd just make him talk if they really wanted him to. They always made him beg and plead and scream anyway. So, he would talk, but he was still so overwhelmed by everything, by the… lack of pain. His head was killing him, but nobody was hitting him or cutting him or anything like that.
He'd managed to get a break after all, but now that he had it, he was terrified of what was coming after this ended. He couldn't get used to the gentle words and patient looks. He couldn't get used to feeling something other than fear. But- but he didn't want to be so afraid anymore. He wanted to keep this moment, even if his headache was killing him and everything was slowly spinning around him, this was so much better than the things waiting for him. He felt his eyes burning- he didn't want the other part of him to push him back down where there was nothing but endless pain and panic. He didn't want this to end.
This was the cruelest thing done to him so far. It was cruel to let him stay here, where he was comforted and cared for, only to soon take it away from him.
"Hey… hush, it's okay…"
Unlike the last time he'd cried in front of his brother, there was just a single tear running down his cheek now. Seemed like he was too exhausted to even cry. Good; he was enough of a mess already.
Don sat down into the chair next to him and took his hand into his. It was the hand that no longer had bandages covering it, the one still holding the small blade. He hadn't let go of it even while his brothers had helped him up from the floor. But now, carefully, mindful of his wounds, Don pried the blade from his fingers, and Leo didn't fight back as his only defense was taken away. Sure, he still had the power, but he doubted he had the energy to use it anymore. The nosebleed was probably a sign of that, a sign of the strain on his body from using it.
Don took the blade and lifted it up- Leo flinched, Don was still holding his hand in place with his other hand, to keep it still so that he could sink the blade into it- but he didn't. Don hadn't pointed the blade at him, he'd simply placed it on the table, away from his reach. He hadn't been hurt, it had just been what he had expected to happen, he was still so on the edge, waiting for this illusion to shatter. He swayed slightly on the chair, suddenly feeling unbalanced-
"Hey, careful," Raph said from his side. His hands were suddenly on his shoulders, helping him stay upright. Leo was startled again, and Raph immediately removed his hold.
"It's okay, Leo, Raph's just helping," Don told him, then nodded at Raph, who hesitantly returned his hands back to Leo's shoulders. This time he didn't flinch away. He felt unsteady, but his brother's hold on him helped to ground him, helped with the dizziness he was still feeling.
Once he was more focused again, Leo noticed Don looking down at his hand that he was still holding. As he watched he got a distant feeling that he shouldn't be letting his brother do what he was doing. The hand looked ugly with so many cuts, some were scarring, some were recent and only starting to heal, some were opened when he'd held the blade so stubbornly and were now bleeding lazily. One had been made just tonight during their fight against the Purple Dragon's; it had been done hastily, and it had cut deeper than the others.
He'd just pulled the bandages over it to hide it from sight, but now all the clotted blood was visible.
"You're having trouble distinguishing what's real and what isn't, right?" Don asked softly, lifting his gaze when Mikey placed something on the table next to them, then nodded gratefully at the orange wearing brother. Leo watched the box on the table warily before recognizing it as a medkit.
"I'm always in the tunnel," Leo answered quietly, hesitantly. "Things don't… they don't really make sense to me. I… I guess you're right." All the horrors in the tunnel always felt very real, but now that he was here, simply sitting in the kitchen, he wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't. He wasn't even sure who he was. He knew he was Leonardo, knew his brothers, knew his life before the tunnel. But he also knew that the other part was him too – but that made no sense. Why was the other part able to hold himself together when he was constantly breaking, unable to feel nothing but fear? Why was he the one pushed aside, forced to live in this nightmare while the other part just wanted to ignore everything?
Maybe this was the reason the other part could function, could keep using this power, could fight. Could protect them. Could do what he had failed to do. Because he didn't need to deal with all this, except for the times when he pushed it on him. He'd done it when the exhaustion had been overwhelming, when some of the other part's actions had made his fear just grow, when he'd just grown so desperate and tired and-
"Can you feel this, Leo?" Donatello touched his palm, and then there was a stinging burn on his skin. Leonardo winced and yanked his hand away, looked at Donatello with wide eyes. As he moved away Raphael's hold on his shoulders tightened and he whimpered, right, the kindness was over and the pain was back-
"Sorry! It's just the antiseptic oil, it burns a little. Sorry, I should've warned you, but I really need to use this- don't want these to get infected, right?" The genuine tone in Don's voice made Leo stop his struggling, and despite the burning feeling still lingering on his skin, he stilled again. Raph was still holding onto him tightly, which made Leo carefully glance over his shoulder at him.
"Oh, sorry," Raph realized what he was doing and eased his hold, gently rubbing on the spots where his hold had tightened. "Sorry."
They weren't supposed to apologize to him. He was the cause of everything, he really was the weak, useless part, the part that shouldn't exist-
The burn in his hand was fading, making Leo glance down at his limb. He knew this feeling… he knew how this oil worked. The pain would go away in a bit. He'd just overreacted, had acted with fear like he always did, but it was all he had, and he didn't understand it, didn't understand why it was the only thing he could feel.
Well, no, not anymore. When he sat here between his brothers, he felt… better? Still wary and on the edge, the fear constantly in the back of his mind, but… safer. Which confused him, for he never felt safe, always chased by memories of the demon or the versions of his brothers he had hurt, who wanted to hurt him in turn.
Looking at them without seeing them torn open, their eyes bleeding and guts flowing down their plastron, was strange as well. He hadn't really paid attention to that because he'd seen them like this before, whole, alright- only for them to turn into walking zombies a second later.
But now they were talking to him without cracked jaws, looking at him without empty eye sockets. They weren't breaking apart in front of him, they were alive.
"I guess that answered my question," Don said, an apologetic look still in his eyes. "You felt my touch, you felt the oil's effect. That means you're here with us right now, not in the tunnel, right? You feeling my touch wouldn't be possible if you didn't exist, would it?"
He'd felt it, but he'd also felt the pain of being hurt over and over again, and apparently all those times hadn't been real. So why would this be?
Maybe… maybe because this was different? Because this time he wasn't hurting them, and they weren't hurting him. Hesitantly he gave his hand back to Don, and brushed his fingers against Don's. His brother felt warm, a definite sign that he was alive, and Leo felt tears burning his eyes again. The burn made another feeling wash over him- he knew he wasn't supposed to cry, he was the leader, he didn't do that, not like this, but he lacked the part to stop it. It was just… to be able to simply touch his brother's hand after so long without immediately getting beaten up for it or worse-
The moment another tear rolled down his cheek his brothers moved closer, still hesitating to touch him more than they already had, but it was enough that they were there.
Don reached out with his other hand to wipe away the wetness on his cheek. Leo lowered the now bloody cloth and used the back of his hand to wipe at his cheek as well. Guess he'd had enough energy for tears, after all, but the presence of his brothers allowed him to blink them away so that now he was simply sitting still and silent.
"Can I keep working on your hand?" Don asked softly.
Leo nodded, squirming slightly when more oil was put on his cuts, but he didn't withdraw his hand, not even when the cuts started to sting again. Even after Don had applied the antiseptic oil and the hand had been rewrapped, nobody changed their behavior, nobody attacked him.
"We should treat your other hand, too," was all that Don said, and Leo didn't try to stop him when he started doing just that. They'd seen the cuts already, and Leo found himself being too tired to even say anything about them. Too tired to try to defend or explain what his other part had done, even though he knew he should, but everything was blurry and he was just… tired.
Eventually his eyes closed, and he was distantly aware of being lifted from the chair, someone carrying him. He felt too numb to move or open his eyes, just basked in the presence of his brothers. As he was held, he heard far-away voices.
"...take him to his room..."
"...why would he think he's not real..."
"...damn, all those cuts..."
And then everything faded.