A/N: I'm sorry about taking so long to post a new chapter... lots of things happened and I haven't had any time or energy to write. I've been fed up with this story for a long time too, so my motivation with it is a big fat zero. The best thing for the story would be to take some time away from it, write other stuff and come back later to continue it, but I kinda also just want to be done with it so that I can forget about it and focus on other stuff :D So I'll keep working on it, I just don't know how often I'll be able to update. If you're still reading, thanks for sticking around! Hope you all have been doing better than me!
Also, there's some talk about dissociation in this chapter, so if you're sensitive to the topic please be careful.
There was a figure standing by the doorway, watching quietly as Raphael lowered Leonardo down onto his bed, as Michelangelo tugged a blanket over him. The room was dimly lit, the light not quite reaching the door, leaving Master Splinter hidden in the shadow.
"What the hell's going on with him?" Raphael asked, unaware that their Sensei was watching them. "He was like a different person back there."
"I've never seen him like that," Michelangelo said, looking sadly down at their now asleep brother. "He was so… out of it."
"I've read about something like this," Donatello said. "Leo went through a lot when the demon was in his head. Several days of almost constant mental torture- physical, as well. Not allowing someone to sleep is a form of torture too, and the demon forced him to mutilate himself as well. He hurt his hands in order to not hurt us, and the demon almost made him... do even more to himself." Almost made him sink his sword into his stomach. The mere thought was nauseating, and Donatello didn't linger on it.
"It was extremely traumatic," Don continued. "We might not think about everything that happened as much as we used to, but we're all still affected by what happened. So of course Leo would be, I just didn't know he was doing so bad, acting like this..."
Don sighed, then turned to properly look at his brothers.
"This is just a theory, but… I think that this… side of him we saw was part of his coping mechanism. The trauma he went through was so excessive that he didn't know how to deal with it, and it caused a lack of connection in his thoughts and feelings. It forced Leo to dissociate his conscious self from what happened to him, and in the process… I think he either accidentally or purposely created a split personality."
Master Splinter, still quietly listening to the conversation, blinked at that. He hadn't considered something like this. Raphael and Michelangelo just stared at their brother.
"The symptoms fit- just yesterday he was really out of it, like his thoughts were somewhere far away. When I talked with him in my lab the other day, he was spacing out, not keeping track of our conversation. And just now he admitted to feeling like he's not sure if the things he's experiencing are real. Some people with dissociative disorders can have a tendency towards self-sabotage and even self harm. Which… which would explain the cuts." Donatello sounded pained as he said that, touching Leonardo's arm gently.
"Shit." Raphael shook his head as he looked at Leonardo. "He's been that hurt and we had no idea."
Splinter stepped forward, the sound of his crutch hitting the floor startling the turtles. They turned around to look at him, and for a moment nobody said anything. There was no blame in anyone's eyes, yet as the Sensei watched his sons, standing so close to their unconscious brother with the atmosphere being unsure and tense with worry, the regret in his chest only took a tighter hold around his heart. That was what kept him remaining where he was, standing just barely in the light.
"Your brother is good at hiding his pain," the rat mutant broke the silence softly, "but it is he who decided to hide it. You shouldn't blame yourselves."
"But- but we knew he was hurting, we should've done something," Don objected with a heavy heart. "I just-"
"You three have been hurting as well," Splinter cut him off, "maybe not as intensely as your brother, but it doesn't make your pain secondary. You need care, just as he does, not more hurt by putting the blame on yourselves."
"It just feels so bad," Mikey said quietly, sitting down on the edge of Leo's bed and carefully touching the top of his bandaged hand. "How could we miss this? How was he even able to hold his swords like this? I know he used the power, but even then…"
"With his hands like that, holding anything must've been painful," Don said sadly. "He wasn't holding his swords, probably using the power to move them like he moved the other things, just making it look like he was holding them."
"He said it's just something that… remained of the demon, but..." Raph looked warily at their brother. "What if it's still there? Just weak and hiding, waiting to get stronger again?"
"If the demon was weak, I doubt neither it nor Leonardo could use the power the way Leonardo has used it," Splinter said. "The demon had to gather energy for a long time before it could use it on us when it was here."
"Then… that means it's not around?" Mikey asked, really hoping that was the case.
"It's very unlikely that it is still here, but we should still be wary, just in case," Don said.
"So what do we do once he wakes up?" Raph asked. "What do we do so that… he won't do this again." Raph motioned to his hands. "And if he's really got that… split personality thing, how do we fix that?"
"He needs to talk to us," Don said, then sighed again. "The actual him, not the part we just talked with. Although, I'm worried about him as well- he's always so scared when he's around, and even if it's not… Leo himself, he's still a part of him. I know it's confusing, but… even if he acts differently, he's still Leo."
"Damn right it's confusing," Raph mumbled.
"Leo did say he was going to talk to us in the morning, though I'm not sure if he really meant it… I hope he did, but… I don't know if that's changed after what happened just now." Don shook his head. "I don't know what triggered the other part coming forward the first time, back in the dojo, but this time it was definitely our fault. We pushed him too hard, made him panic."
Don glanced carefully at their Sensei, hoping he hadn't offended him by half-blaming him, but it was Splinter's actions which had pushed Leo over the edge.
Master Splinter finally left the darkness he had been standing in and walked closer to the bed. The turtles didn't move, just watched as he paused by the bed. Splinter's shoulders were hunched, and he suddenly looked much older as he watched the sleeping turtle with pained eyes. "I have hurt Leonardo once again, and I understand my mistake. It is something I will have to fix- but it did give us more insight into his condition, for it allowed us to see this… other part of him." Carefully he ran his fingers across Leonardo's cheek, and the turtles felt a heavy knot in their stomachs hearing the sorrow in their Father's voice when he continued. "I am sorry, my son, for I failed to help you the way you needed."
Silence fell over the room again, nobody daring to say anything. Splinter had definitely pushed Leo too hard this time, but he understood his mistake. His actions had actually taken them by surprise; Splinter had many times pushed them to their limits when they trained, encouraging them to keep going until they were sore all over, until they could barely walk. But that harsh training was what had made them so skilled, the reason why they were still alive. Splinter had never pushed them when they had been injured or sick, quite the opposite. He'd always done his best to care for them, staying up the whole night if one of them had been sick when they had just been little tots, always doing his best to nurse them back to health if they came home injured. They knew taking care of them growing up hadn't been easy for him, yet he had never complained, had never left them to deal with their problems alone.
So to push Leo like this, to literally corner him when he had been so vulnerable and clearly hurting… the worry caused by the situation must've clouded his judgement. They knew Splinter had only wanted to help their brother. And, well, everyone knew how Leonardo tended to keep things to himself. Things often had to escalate for him to open up – only Leo had never reacted the way he'd done now. Nobody could've predicted his reaction.
Splinter's sigh brought them back from their thoughts. "I heard part of your conversation. You were speaking of a split personality."
"Yes, and as I said, this other part is most likely a way for him to cope with everything. But… maybe… maybe it's also because Leo has rejected a part of himself, the part he considers weak. The part of himself that's… afraid. He's trying to completely suppress the part of himself that's still struggling with the trauma he went through." Don watched Leo as he spoke, clearly hurting for his brother. "It can be a good defense at first, but in the long run it'll cause more problems than it'll solve."
They all thought about the way Leo had acted. So different, running away like a wild animal being chased. Looking at them with open fear, shaking when they tried to come closer. They knew Leo would never want to be seen like that, so the more they thought about it, the more obvious it became why Leo wouldn't want a part like that around. But… it was still Leo, a part of him that was clearly hurt and so afraid. And instead of getting help and care that part had just been pushed aside, left to hurt.
"It is late," Master Splinter broke the short silence that had fallen into the room. "We will continue this conversation tomorrow, and hope Leonardo feels well enough to join us." And that he would be willing to join them.
They stayed for another short moment, making sure Leo was resting easy before moving out of the room. They walked quietly, Splinter making sure his crutch made as little noise as possible, leaving Leo's bedside lamp on. The door was closed softly after them.
After exiting the room, the turtles bid their Father goodnight and started to move towards their own rooms. Instead of his own room, Splinter headed back to the sick bay to put away the cleaning supplies he'd used while he'd cleaned the broken glass from the floor. He'd done it while the turtles had been in the kitchen; he had wanted to be there when his son had been hurting, but after the way Leonardo had reacted to him, he had known to stay away until the situation had calmed down.
He'd cleaned the room with the aid of a flashlight, for the lamp was still broken. Changing it would have to wait, and finally Splinter left the sick bay to get some sleep as well. He hadn't felt this worn in a long time, leaning heavily against his crutch as he walked.
The turtles were dragging their feet as they walked together towards their rooms. On their way they passed the kitchen; the knives and tools Leo had pulled from their drawers had been put back into their places before they had all gone to Leo's room so that nobody would hurt themselves by stepping on them. But as Mikey glanced at the room, he could still see the knives floating in the air, their terrified big brother sitting behind them, clearly fearing for his life since he had gone so far with the knives and everything. Yet Leo hadn't even attempted to hurt them with them, all he had done was apologize to them, telling them how he didn't want to hurt them again.
"So… if Leo doesn't want to talk, how do we help him without… you know, pushing him too hard?" Mikey asked as he looked away from the kitchen. "I don't want him to feel cornered again. It clearly hurt him to use the power."
"It was clear that Leo was uncomfortable, but Splinter didn't know he would react like that. None of us did. But now we do, so we know to give him some space," Don said. "Let's wait for the morning and see how he feels. Maybe he'll surprise us and actually tell us more about what's been going on with him."
"Doubt it," Raph muttered, but he still desperately hoped that Leo would prove them wrong and would actually talk to them. "It's just so… weird. I know he went through a lot, but… a split personality… shit. That fucking demon, I'm still so mad I didn't get to hurt it more-"
"All we can do now is to make sure Leo doesn't feel like we're forcing him to talk," Don cut Raph off before he could get too worked up. "But we also can't let things go on like this. We can't let him keep…" He didn't finish the sentence, but Mikey and Raph knew what he meant. They couldn't keep letting Leo hurt himself.
Normally Raph would have kept going on about how they'd have to push Leo since nothing else had worked, but the situation was everything but normal. He'd already seen that trying to rile Leo up didn't work; it didn't get him to open up, not about this. If anything it only seemed to give him more guilt.
All they could do now was to see how Leo was feeling tomorrow. They were all beat after the events of tonight, and finally they withdrew into their rooms. It took a while for sleep to come despite the exhaustion of the long night, but eventually all four turtles were asleep.
When someone opened his door, Leonardo feigned sleep.
Something was placed on the table next to his bed, and whoever was visiting stood by his bed for a short moment before quietly making their exit. Leonardo didn't turn to see what had been brought into the room. He lay still, staring at his wall. Someone was peeking into his room every now and then. Checking in on him. Of course they'd do that, after everything that happened. After seeing the cuts, after the… episode.
Leonardo hadn't been able to take the power back from his other half. The only reason he was in control again was because when he'd woken up, it had been just him again.
He didn't feel like he'd slept. He felt like he'd just spent a long time in that place where the other half had pushed him to. He'd stayed in the dark for a long time. Long enough to have gotten used to the shadows there. The other part was quiet, there were no scared whispers or paranoid thoughts, but there was something else. Something that wasn't him or the other part, something he should be wary of, he felt, but… like before, the feeling wasn't wholly there. There wasn't really anything but this… emptiness, this apathy, which kept him lying motionless.
He must've been unconscious for a while, for the visits were so frequent. They expected him to wake up soon. They expected him to… what? What did they think of him now? Did they expect him to act like nothing had happened, or did they expect something to still be broken, for him to lose it like he'd done last night? He knew he should feel ashamed of the way he'd acted, of the fact that he'd lost control like that. He had no idea what he'd done or said, his memories ended with him yelling at his family, the lamp exploding, items breaking… important items had been broken. It had never been easy for them to get medicine, so to waste them like that… not to mention the mess the broken glass must've caused…
Well, it had just been one of the many messes he'd made recently.
The apathy wasn't the only reason keeping him lying on his bed. His body felt numb and sore like he'd received a proper beating, but he knew he wasn't injured. He knew that this was simply because of his own doings, knew the power must've caused this. Knew that if his body and mind were breaking, it was his own fault. After all, this all had started by him being too weak. It had been him who hadn't been strong enough, it had been him who had split himself in two parts to escape the hurt. Like some sort of coward. But now he felt so numb he couldn't even feel shame over the fact.
It had been a while since he'd tried to remember the things the shadows had whispered to him, just after the demon had been gone, when the remaining darkness had prevented him from waking up. Now the words seemed to be crystal clear in his head.
You're still unstable, haunted by the things you've seen and done. You admitted you don't even know which memories are real and which aren't- you're broken. They think they want you back, but they're going to realize that things can't go back to the way they used to be.
Even back then he'd started to have trouble with making sense of his reality. The shadows haunting him then had been right. He was broken and his family had to deal with the remaining pieces. Maybe it really would've been better if he had never woken up. He felt them again, the familiar whispers, that same darkness he'd been surrounded by when the other part had taken control.
That was your only worth. You were the sword that protects them, but if you can't fight, they're better off without y–
"No!" Leo shot up in his bed, interrupting the whispers. The shadows vanished back into the back of his mind. Why were they still around, why was he feeling them now? They had to be related to the power, had to be the reason he had been feeling so numb, like it was better to lay here forever, never having to face his family again, that it would've been better if he had never woken up- they were still doing the demon's work, trying to make him hurt himself.
He wasn't broken, he wasn't lost. He'd been able to fight alongside his family, he didn't hurt them anymore, no, he still protected them, he just had to face them and make sure he hadn't hurt any of them last night, he could make this right so that there would be no need for him to think about something so bad, no need to punish or hurt himself-
"Leo?"
His door had been opened, and Mikey was looking at him. Leo realized that he was still sitting up and couldn't fake being asleep – and that he didn't need to fake being asleep, so he turned to properly look at his sibling.
"Hey," Leo managed to say without his voice shaking too much.
"Can I come in?" Mikey asked carefully.
No, the shadows said, you don't want to have another breakdown in front of them.
The sudden strength to momentarily fight back faded. Their will was stronger than his. Bad thoughts were flooding in again, quickly convincing him that talking to anyone right now wasn't a good idea. The thoughts pushed into his head made him look away again, coaxing him to lay down and draw his blanket over his head. Only when he was hidden he spoke, his voice muffled under the blanket. "I'll try to get some more sleep."
"Oh, okay, sure," he heard the disappointment in Mikey's tone. "We're going to visit April, we're starting to run out of medical supplies."
No doubt, for Leo had destroyed so many last night. 'Stop it,' he thought to himself angrily, and punished himself by closing his hands into tight fists, making his cuts ache. 'Stop feeling sorry for yourself.'
"And uh, it's just a quick visit, so don't worry!" Mikey added hastily. Leo had to blink at that- so far he'd always felt paranoia surfacing at the thought of his brothers going topside without him, but his other part was still silent. Or maybe just silenced by the nasty whispers, the self-loathing caused by them overriding fear.
"You've been sleeping the whole day, so… there's some leftovers in the fridge." So he really had been unconscious for quite a while, since he didn't feel like he had been lying here for that long. He felt the way Mikey hovered, how badly his younger brother wanted to say something more so he wouldn't have to leave just yet. It made his chest ache. "Um, do you need anything before I go?"
"No, thanks."
"Okay… well, uh… seeya in a bit."
The lights were turned off and the door closed. In the darkness of his room Leonardo pushed his blanket back, knowing he had to snap out of this. The shadows had told him to lock his other part away, so obviously he had to do the opposite. If he wanted to fix this, he had to deal with the fear. He had to accept it, had to accept that at the end of the day everything the other part had done and he'd deemed pathetic was- was him. No matter how much he didn't want to do it, he needed to deal with the hurt the demon had left in its wake. Otherwise he would just keep hurting himself and his family.
He sat back up, this time having the time to feel the soreness of his body. He winced, rolling his shoulders to get rid of the tension in his muscles. While he did some basic stretches, he worked his mind. Where would he even start with getting himself back together? He had to… had to go to where he'd been broken in the first place. Back to where this all had started. Back to the tunnel.
It was actually very convenient that his brothers were going to visit April. If this turned into another mental breakdown at least they wouldn't be here to see it.
Leonardo stood up from the bed, swaying slightly, but ignoring his exhaustion in order to get to his drawer to get some candles. He noted that his hands were freshly bandaged, and cringed slightly- so they had seen both of his hands now. No matter, he'd fix everything. Holding matches was difficult, but he managed to light a few candles. The small lights cast long shadows onto the walls of his room, but he focused on the light and sat down.
Taking a few deep breaths he closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if this was something he could do by simply meditating, but this was the only thing he could think of. He couldn't go to the actual tunnel since his brothers had sealed the entrance to it.
Inhale, exhale. Reaching deep into himself, he visioned opening the emotional locks he'd created. After a while, his tense body started to relax. The sounds of the pipes around him faded, as did the warmth of the candles around him. He no longer felt the faint ache in his head, nor the sting in his bandaged hands. Instead of sitting down he was standing, but everything was dark around him. He felt a flashlight on his belt, and grabbed it.
What the light revealed was the door leading to the tunnel. The sight made him take a step back and stumble a little. It had been a while since he'd managed to properly meditate, so it took him by surprise to have been able to send his mind here so fast. Maybe he should've prepared himself better for this- no, he wasn't afraid of this, and if he was, he was ready to embrace the feeling. No more running. He steeled himself and prevented himself from backing away.
The stench of blood hit him like it always did, managing to make his heart rate rise up. All his senses were telling him to run away, but stubbornly he took the first step, then the second. He knew the real entrance was closed, but the door was open in this vision created in his mind. Not all the way like it had been when they had visited it for the first time; it was only slightly cracked open. Maybe it had been like this when they'd run past it the first time, when the demon had managed to possess him.
A sound came from inside the tunnel, causing Leonardo to freeze. He couldn't quite place the sound, so he strained his hearing, but could only hear the rush of water around him. His heart hammered against his chest; this place was making him anxious enough without any extra sounds.
It took him a while to get himself to move again, but eventually he managed to take another step forward. There was just enough room for him to slip through the slightly opened door, and so he did.
Again, what he saw made him step back, his shell colliding with the door now behind him. He saw himself struggling against dark shadows wrapped around his arms and chest, holding him in place. The other him had wide, panicked eyes, which stared past him like he hadn't noticed the light now shining towards him.
"Stop it," the other rasped, still not looking at him. "Stop, please, don't hurt them anymore. Please-"
He remembered being like this, trapped in his own mind, begging the demon to not hurt his family. He remembered the fear and desperation – how could he have forgotten the intensity of these feelings? The utter helplessness the other him was obviously experiencing? Well, the explanation was easy. He'd forgotten because he'd split himself, shoving the things he couldn't handle onto this other part. Leaving him to relive the time when the demon was in control.
He realized he'd known all along that the shadows weren't truly gone. They were hiding here in the back of his mind, keeping his fear alive by replaying the memories over and over again. They had to be the reason the other's panic and fear had taken over him at times. But what exactly were the shadows? Were they the demon, still remaining in him? Just some leftovers? Were they… simply the power he'd been using?
Was this supposed to… mean something? Was realizing that the shadows were the power supposed to solve something? He'd thought he'd have to… to fight to withstand the painful memories, or maybe his other half, or- something. It had been painful to separate his fear from himself, so he had expected it to be painful to put himself back together. But nothing was threatening him, the shadows seemed more interested in keeping his other half prisoner while he weakly struggled against their hold.
Leonardo reached behind his shell and drew his sword. This wasn't his real body, so in here his hands were whole, no cuts to be seen. His katana was heavy in his hand, but in a good, familiar way.
The only thing to do seemed to be to fight the shadows. It made sense- if he got rid of them, he'd free his fear, he could take it back, could be whole again.
One of the shadows coiled around the other's throat, bringing forth more broken begging, which made Leonardo hesitate. He didn't know what'd happen once he fully had his memories again. Would he be able to stand them? Or would he become as broken as the part in front of him? He'd be nothing but a burden to his family if he wasn't strong enough for this. But… the part he had separated from himself hadn't had anything but fear. He had so much more to balance it out, he could take it. His whole life he'd fought his fears, and he'd never allowed them to fully take over. He couldn't let this time be any different.
Gripping his sword tightly, he jumped forward. The flashlight was left behind on the ground, lighting the way, letting him see the shadows finally reacting to him and rising up to meet his strike. The black tendrils of the shadows shot forward and something cold washed over Leonardo just as the flashlight behind him died-
"Leonardo!"
Leonardo opened his eyes with a jolt, blinking hard to get his vision working. He felt disoriented, the cold still lingered, but it was quickly fading as the warmth of his room flooded back in. The lights had been turned on, and Master Splinter was kneeling in front of him, holding his bad leg a bit awkwardly.
"I am sorry to pull you from your meditation so suddenly," Master Splinter was watching him with worried eyes. "Are you feeling better, my son?"
Still a bit disoriented from the sudden interruption Leonardo nodded. He knew Splinter wouldn't have startled him from his meditation just to ask him how he was doing; he knew that there was only one reason why he would have done so. "What's wrong, Sensei?"
"I sensed your brother's distress," Splinter spoke hastily, "I think they have run into trouble while on their way to Miss O'Neil. I would go, but-"
They both glanced at his injured leg. There was no way the old mutant could go.
Leonardo stood up hurriedly, glad to notice that this time he didn't feel so dizzy. There was just a minor ache in his head. He still felt worn, but he didn't sway on his feet. His gear had been placed next to his bed, and in a hurry he started to gather them and put them on.
"Leonardo, you are still not well- your hands-" Splinter objected while Leonardo grabbed his swords from next to his bed and started to strap them against his shell.
"If they're in trouble, I have to go," the turtle said. That's why Sensei had come to tell him this. He needed him to go, needed him to make sure that they were alright. If he really didn't want him to go, he wouldn't have woken him from his meditation. "Do you have any idea what could have happened?"
"I only had a strong sense of their desperation, no vision," Splinter said, watching with unease as Leonardo grabbed his shell cell and started to head for the door. Something, a lot of something was telling the Sensei not to let his son go, but he'd sensed great danger. He didn't want to send Leonardo out when he was hurt, but what else could he do? His brothers needed him, even if he was still recovering. Relying on his crutch he followed the turtle across the lair. "There are other things you can do for your brothers besides fighting-"
That was your only worth. You were the sword that protects them, but if you can't fight...
"What else is there?" Leonardo asked. He reached the exit of the lair, but turned to glance at Splinter for just a moment. Splinter met his eyes and saw that there was something burning and alive, yet sullen and dead in his son's eyes. "If they're in trouble, what else is there for me to do than to fight, Sensei?"
Master Splinter lowered his ears near his neck. His son's words and the mixture of determination and defeat in his eyes didn't bode well. "Leonardo, I am aware that I have always placed a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, and it has shown in these past days, perhaps more than ever." The strange feeling of something bad to come was making the rat speak gravely. There was just this looming sense of- of loss. "That responsibility should never have been so much that it hurts you. Yet it has done so – please, do not let it hurt you any more than it already has. Do the best you can, but do not push yourself past your limits."
If his brothers really were in so much danger that Splinter was this alarmed, then his teacher had to know that he was going to use the power – what else was there to do? – but he wasn't really trying to stop him, just speaking with gentle yet stern words, words that wouldn't change the outcome. It sounded like he was feeling guilty about the pressure he had put him under as a leader, which Leo didn't really understand. He'd needed that pressure to be the best he could be, he'd needed to be pushed to the breaking point so that the lessons stuck with him.
He didn't know why Splinter was trying to make amends over that now, when he was ready to send him out there with his only way to fight being something that would hurt him. Why would he tell him these things now, why apologize like this when they both knew that he was something that could be sacrificed, as long as his brothers came home unhurt-
No, that was the shadows again, putting self deprecating thoughts into his head. That was notthe truth, and he knew it. He couldn't let the false thoughts forced into his head distract him now.
But are they false? He didn't care about you last night, when he cornered you, and he certainly doesn't care for you right now, it's your brothers, always them-
He was shown the memory of the demon being in control, the aftermath of him staggering away after having hurt his brothers. Red liquid was splattered over his plastron, and a wet trail followed him. What have you done, Leonardo? Splinter had asked. Your brothers. Where are they?
Master, please, wait, Leonardo had begged him, having known he couldn't be left alone, but Splinter hadn't stayed. He'd rushed to his brothers instead. Always them. Always them-
Leo gritted his teeth and turned back to the entrance. The memory was taken out of context. It was obvious why Splinter had left him then and went looking for the others, it had been the right thing for him to do, just as it was right that he had been brought out of his meditation for this, to go after their family and use the power and- and just stop being so useless.
"It's fine, Sensei," Leonardo said, as softly as he could, giving one last glance over his shoulder. "I do what I have to do."
With that he vanished into the dark sewer. As he began to run, he fished out his shell cell to locate his brothers. Donatello had made it easy for all of them to use the locator feature; he didn't need to press more than a few buttons to get to the right screen. Three slowly blinking dots appeared on the screen. His brothers were all in the same place, not moving. What was the danger Splinter had sensed? Were they already in a fight? If so, why weren't the dots on the screen moving at all? Had they been captured?
Leonardo kept running, but as familiar as the sewer was, it was also poorly lit. He could probably run through it blindly, but the environment changed constantly; the water level changed, moving the trash around. So he had to slow down at times and use the screen of his shell cell to show the way, but he was more focused on thinking about his brothers than the sewers around him.
He was trying to take the shortest route, but one of the turns he had been supposed to take had been blocked. He kept running, eyes on the screen of the shell cell to see if there would be any change in the position of his brothers. There wasn't, and the next time he turned the cell to see where he was he froze in place.
It had become an unspoken agreement to not go near the tunnel; not like any of them had even wanted to get close to it. They had rarely even used the way to the tunnel, so avoiding it hadn't been an issue. And Leonardo definitely hadn't meant to come here, so why- why was the tunnel's door right in front of him, and why was it slightly open, just like it'd been when he'd been here in his meditation? He was sure his brothers had closed it, it wasn't supposed to be open. What was behind the door? The shadows, ready to take control over him again? Maybe that had been the danger his Sensei had felt, that he'd be possessed again and this time he wouldn't stop until there were nothing but cold bodies he could drag back here-
Breaking out of his frozen state Leonardo turned his shell to the door and ran. He ran and ran and ran, his breath caught in his throat- he had to get out of the sewer, away from the tunnel, out of the dark. It felt like it followed him, like the shadows in his mind, clinging to him, whispering for him to turn back around and go through the door and see what awaited him in there-
The tunnel was deep in the sewers, so it took a while to find a manhole cover. The moment he did Leonardo clung to the ladders and climbed as fast as he could, the rusty metal under his hands biting into his skin even through his bandages.
When he emerged up to an alleyway he was out of breath and worn, but he wasn't in the dark anymore. Well, it was getting dark up here as well, proof that he'd really spent the whole day sleeping and meditating. But the dark sky above him didn't bother him. He was out of the suffocating tunnels, and that was enough.
With a shaky hand he took out his shell cell again, and saw that he wasn't too far from his brothers either. His blind sprint had taken him slightly off course, costing him precious seconds to get to his brothers, but then again… running like mad had saved him time; he'd gotten topside much faster. Shaking the tunnel from his mind, unwilling to waste any more time, Leonardo climbed to the nearest roof and began running again, ignoring the complaints of his sore body.
They had noticed a group of Foot ninja right before getting to April's shop. They had learned to get by the surveillance van that Karai kept near the shop without being noticed, but now that the ninjas were around, they hadn't wanted to risk being seen entering April's apartment. Curious about what the ninja in black were up to, they had decided to follow them. There hadn't been more than a few of them, but the turtles kept their distance in order to not get noticed.
The ninjas had led them to an abandoned warehouse. There was a window on the top, making it easy for the turtles to gather there and see what was going on inside.
"This building reminds me of the time we followed Leo, when he met up with the Shredder. Remember? When he asked Leo to join him? Things would be kinda different had he said yes," Mikey had said.
"This is the same building, goofball," Raph had huffed, and Mikey had blinked when he had realized that it was.
"No wonder it felt familiar."
When they had looked down, they had seen more Foot ninjas. And in the middle of them, Karai, in her Shredder suit. Just like the last time they'd been here, it was hard to hear what was spoken below.
"We need to get closer if we want to know what's going on," Don had said, and then they had been on the move to get inside the building. They had been quiet, hidden in the shadows, and had managed to get close enough to hear.
"-The turtles broke into our headquarters, stole from us, and got away with it," Karai was saying. "Our clan will carry the shame of that until they pay. How come not even one of you has seen at least some sign of them after the ambush?"
The whole warehouse had been silent until someone had dared to speak.
"They were seen by the docks last night."
"And this information wasn't relayed to me because...?" Karai's voice was cold.
"It… the info came from low rank Purple Dragons. We wanted to be sure they weren't lying before informing you, Mistress Karai."
"Very well. And?"
"And… well… no sign of them afterwards."
Silence had fallen over the room, but the atmosphere was heavy, leaving no one to wonder what was going through The Foot leader's mind. She was not pleased.
"Keep searching," she finally ordered. "Patrol the docks. And report everything to me."
"Sounds like someone is obsessed with finding us," Mikey had commented in a silent whisper.
"Yeah, seems like she thinks that we're out to get her or somethin'," Raph had mumbled, "even though I couldn't care less about getting involved with her. The less we have to deal with her, the better."
Karai had her hands behind her back as she watched her soldiers. "We found their home once. We will find it again."
Hearing her speak about finding their home had brought back awful memories. Watching everything get destroyed right before their eyes, forced to escape the crumbling lair, having no idea if the others had made it-
The red eyes of the Shredder's suit had locked onto them. They had allowed their emotions to get the better of them, and Karai wasn't the head of the Foot for nothing- she had sensed their presence. And when they had turned to flee the way they had come, their way out had already been blocked by Foot soldiers.
So that's how they had gotten themselves into the situation they were now in; facing an overwhelming number of enemies while trying to find a way out of the building. But now that Karai was so close to them, she wasn't willing to let them go.
"Block the exits, don't let them escape!" Karai had yelled her order, and her forces were doing a good job of keeping the turtles away from the doors, driving them away from the walls, closer to the center of the warehouse.
"Whose idea was it to come here?" Raphael asked as he dodged under a katana, then dodged again when a row of shurikens was thrown at him.
"I think we just kind of- ngh, collectively decided to follow them," Donatello answered, grunting as he blocked a heavier attack coming his way.
"Stupidest thing we've collectively done," Michelangelo said, managing to disarm two ninjas by kicking the first one into their stomach, then sending him crashing into another ninja.
"You saved me a lot of trouble by coming here," Karai said, watching as her soldiers crowded the turtles. "But I'm only seeing three of you. Where is Leonardo?"
"Aw, do you miss him?" Michelangelo asked, raising his voice to be heard over the clash of weapons. He scanned his surroundings for an opening to get out of here, but there just didn't seem to be one. Not with this many ninjas blocking the way- he ducked low, the katana that had been aimed at him cutting the air above him. "You were asking for him when you attacked our home, too." The latter sentence had more bite in it.
"If you are trying some kind of a trick," she said, scanning their surroundings as well, obviously expecting the fourth turtle to appear, "it won't work. You're outnumbered, even if he's here."
They wished he was. Four against… who-knew-how-many wasn't good either, but it was better than three.
"C'mon guys, we can get out if we focus on the same side for a moment- break an opening through them," Donatello said, crushing fingers with his bō when he countered the next attack. "Follow me- agh!"
His cry of pain made both Raphael and Michelangelo glance over their shoulders. Donatello had been hit; there was a long cut on his right arm. He was still holding onto his weapon, but they all knew the bō lost a lot of its potential when used with just one hand. Donatello jumped to the side when he was attacked again, stubbornly lifting his bleeding arm, but by the amount of blood it was obvious said limb had become useless.
Both Raphael and Michelangelo moved closer to the wounded brother, attempting to give him a moment to collect himself, but there were just too many enemies. If they had more room, something to jump on or behind- but the warehouse was just an open space full of weapons pointed at them.
Donatello was still in the fight, but now he had to dodge more than counterattack. That meant that their disadvantage grew bigger, and soon both Raphael and Michelangelo were hit as well. The turtle in red had blood flowing down his plastron, while the nunchaku-wielder limped slightly. The odds weren't in their favor.
"Can't you see? It is over for you," Karai spoke over the sounds of the fight. "If you put down your weapons, I might spare your lives." She was no longer looking at the shadows of the building; if Leonardo was here, he would've come to the aid of his brothers already. If she kept at least one of the turtles alive, she could use him to lure Leonardo out. Not like she'd necessarily need to do that. She expected Leonardo to come after her anyway, just like the last time she'd hurt his family. She just didn't understand why he wasn't here. The last time she'd attacked his family in their home he had been gone as well.
But the turtles weren't lowering their weapons, not until one of the ninjas managed to tackle Michelangelo, sending him crashing down on his shell. A sharp katana was pointed at his throat, and the battle was halted.
The turtles met Karai's eyes. Defeat flashed in their eyes, and both the pair of sais as well as the bō-staff were dropped to the floor. The closest ninjas kicked them away, out of their reach.
"Good," Karai said, starting to walk closer. "Tie up the orange one and kill the other two."
"What- no, they dropped their weapons," Michelangelo cried from the floor, attempting to get up, but the katana was thrust forward, its tip breaking the skin of his throat, making the turtle go very still. Fear in his eyes, Michelangelo looked at his brothers, who were standing with their shells pressed together, not ready to go down without a fight, even without their weapons.
Donatello jumped over the first strike from a katana, while Raphael stepped to the side, avoiding a deadly strike from a chokuto. As he landed from his jump Donatello punched the ninja who had attacked him, making him stumble and finally fall onto the floor. Raphael rolled with his movement, shattering his attacker's kneecap by landing a powerful kick from the side.
"They are disarmed! Kill them!" Karai yelled, drawing her kusarigama. "Kill them or get out of the way!"
She spun the weapon in her hands; this was the very weapon she'd used when Leonardo had defeated her. Now she would use it to release herself of the shame of that loss.
The sharp-edged weapon flew forward. Raphael was still crouched low when he noticed the weapon aimed at him. He reached out to grab a katana from the Foot soldier lying next to him, holding it out in front of himself just in time to block the strike of the kusarigama. Following Raphael's example, Donatello had grabbed shurikens from the closest fallen soldier and threw them at Karai in a wide arc.
Karai leaned to the side, dodging most of the shurikens- one of them struck her armor uselessly, but one hit the vulnerable part in her shoulder, sinking into the small place between the metal plates of her suit. She cried out, her eyes narrowing in anger as she yanked on the chain of her kusarigama to drag it back for a new strike.
Raphael was about to stand back up, to get into a proper defensive position, but suddenly he was grabbed from both sides, his arms forced down. The hand holding the borrowed katana was twisted, forcing him to drop his weapon. Behind him Donatello received a harsh kick to his plastron, making him double over, and then he was grabbed and held in place as well.
All Karai had to do was to lift her kusarigama again. To make it even easier for her, the ninja holding Raphael grabbed the tails of his mask and yanked his head back, exposing his throat.
Michelangelo still had the katana pressed to his own throat, but the ninja above him became distracted as Karai was about to execute their enemies. Michelangelo twisted to the side, but the ninja still had quick reflexes. The point of the katana grazed the side of his neck, leaving a stinging cut, but Michelangelo was already jumping up onto his feet and knocking the ninja aside. But Karai's weapon was already flying through the air- Michelangelo had no weapon in hand, he couldn't throw anything, he wouldn't make it in time.
"Raph!" Both Don and Mikey yelled, desperate and scared. Raph struggled, but the hold on him stayed firm-
The kusarigama stopped in mid air.
Confusion fell over the room. Karai blinked at her weapon. And when something tugged at the chain she was holding, she was still too confused to keep a proper hold on it and lost her grip on it.
Both Donatello's and Michelangelo's eyes widened in understanding and they looked around, but couldn't see their brother. Michelangelo jumped into action anyway, using his nunchaku to knock down the two nearest ninja. Immediately everyone returned back to action- Michelangelo had to move from enemy to enemy to dodge their attacks, trying to get closer to Raphael and Donatello.
Two shuriken flew from the shadows, sinking into the throats of the ninja that were holding Raphael still. They slumped down, dead before they hit the ground, and Raphael was free. He swayed slightly, but bent down to grab his dropped sais, ready to join the fight again. His first targets were the ninja holding Donatello; with two quick swipes of his sai he'd freed his brother.
"So you did decide to show up," Karai muttered darkly as she looked to the edge of the room where the shurikens had appeared from. "Show yourself, Leonardo!"
More shurikens flew from the darkness, sinking into her ninjas. If not into their back and necks, then into their hands, rendering them useless. Karai glanced at her kusarigama again, the weapon lying motionless on the floor now. Unable to explain what had just happened to the weapon she looked away from it and instead drew her katana. She dashed towards the shadows Leonardo was using to stay out of sight.
"It is not like you to fight cowardly," she hissed when she spotted him. The shadows of the building weren't dark enough to truly hide him. The turtle threw shurikens again, this time aimed at her, but she easily deflected them. "Face me. The outcome will be different this time."
Leonardo moved stiffly; so unlike his usual fluid movements. There was blood on his face, even though she could swear he hadn't gotten hit yet, nor had he been close enough to his targets to get splashed with their blood.
Because of his slowness she caught up to him easily. But instead of drawing his sword, he dodged out of the way of hers.
"What's this?" Karai demanded, striking again, only for Leonardo to barely avoid it. "Draw your sword! Fight me!"
"Karai, we don't need to fight," Leonardo tried, unable to speak further as he had to focus on avoiding the swift strikes of her blade. The third strike sliced his cheek, causing more blood to coat his face. Leonardo gritted his teeth and backed away. Stopping Karai's kusarigama earlier hadn't been much compared to the things Leonardo had done with the power before, but it had already made his head ache terribly. He couldn't use it or he'd become dizzy again, which meant that he couldn't use his swords. But he was in no condition to dodge or run, either- and his brothers were injured and tired, they had their hands full with the Foot ninjas, he had to keep Karai away from them and get them out of here, but… how?
"We don't need to keep this grudge between us, we can finally stop this endless fight, stop it for good-"
"I don't need you to speak," Karai said coldly, the suit distorting her voice. "I need you to pay."
Another strike from her, this time too close to his throat, leaving a clean cut just above his shoulder blade. It bled immediately; it wasn't a shallow cut. Had she hit his throat, it would've instantly been over.
He saw a moment of hesitation from her. She could see that her opponent wasn't at his full potential, was dodging instead of attacking, and having trouble doing even that. She had to see that there was something wrong, so maybe her honor would make her see that this wasn't a fair fight, that this wasn't what she wanted.
That thought lasted for only a few seconds. Karai knew she had the upper hand, and perhaps she was just as tired of the fight that lasted between them for years, perhaps she simply wanted it to end. But unlike Leonardo, she wasn't willing to just walk away. This fight could only end after one of them had drawn their last breath.
And at this rate, it looked like that would be Leonardo. When he'd finally reached the building there hadn't been any time to think, to plan. The moment he'd found his brothers he'd been forced to use the power. It had been a terrifying moment, to show up just as the kusarigama had been about to reach the throat of his brother- but in that moment, using the power had felt like an instinct. Using it to stop the kusarigama had been automatic, instant. But it had taken so much out of him. The same had happened when the demon had used it, but with the demon's presence, he'd still been able to push through the pain and hurt. Why couldn't he do that without the demon?
He heard one of his brothers cry out; one of them was hurt again, and he couldn't even look towards them to see, having to use all of his focus to dodge Karai's deadly strikes.
His chest ached with desperation and hurt. He had the power to save his brothers, but he couldn't use it. After so much agony over deciding whether to keep using it or not, he couldn't use it when it mattered the most. All the pain had been for nothing. All the pain-
Pain.
The demon had used pain. Negative emotions. That had been the sole reason it had hurt them; so that it could grow strong, so that it could have something to use the power with.
And pain… pain was something he certainly had. He had more than enough to feed the power with it.
That was your only worth. You were the sword that protected them.
And he still was.
He allowed himself to think of the tunnel. Of all the misery, frustration and pain the demon had brought him. He thought of the shadows he'd seen in the tunnel, coiling around his other part. He thought of the other part's fear, panic and suffering. He'd left his other part there for a long time – why hadn't the darkness destroyed his other part yet? He thought he had abandoned him and the emotions he hadn't wanted, but had he subconsciously clung to the other part, unwilling to feed to the shadows?
Yes, that had to be it- now that he was aware of it, he felt the connection between himself and his other part. Knew his struggle, knew he could… give him away.
He let go. Let go of his other part, severed the connection with him, allowed the shadows to strike down the other half, to take and use his fear. Immediately, they whispered again. Your katana can be torn and ripped away from you, but if you become the power, if you are the sword…
The ache in his head grew into a throbbing pain. The shadows were right. If he was the sword, his weapons couldn't be taken from him, he couldn't drop them. It wouldn't matter that his hands were useless. This way there would be nothing stopping him from being what he was supposed to be and do.
So he gave it all away – gave the shadows what they wanted, no longer fighting against the ache in his head. And in response, the pain just grew, reaching its peak- it was the same as when the demon had taken total control over him, when he'd attacked his brothers and hurt them, the same pain that had wiped his mind clean and taken all control from him. But this time he was giving in willingly. The pain swallowed the memories of the demon, took the fear and the pain.
And- and it kept taking. The pain in his head wasn't going anywhere, he felt that sharp hurt he'd felt before, when the power was taking too much. It wasn't in his control what exactly it was taking, but he realized it too late. Now that he'd let the shadows in, he couldn't push them back.
Karai's sword cut into his shoulder, right next to the deep scar that had chipped a part of his shell. She'd given him the injury when they'd stopped the Shredder from leaving Earth. He hissed from the feeling, rolling away, wincing when the movement pulled at the fresh cut. He kneeled on the ground, knowing he had to get back up, but everything was such a mess now, the pain in his head was insane, he couldn't get his legs to work. He could feel the shadows, how they filled the empty spots left behind by the memories and emotions he'd given away.
But as more and more was taken… the pain eased. Not the one in his head, but the one in his mind. He'd given away the pain from the tunnel, so fear, desperation and the anxiety of it all were gone. And that was a mistake from the shadow's part. With his weaknesses gone, he could suddenly fight back against the shadows aiming to fill his mind.
The inner fight against the darkness in him was taking all his concentration. He knew his body was in danger, Karai was right behind him, and he knew she wouldn't hesitate to strike. He had to move but he couldn't, frozen in place as his mind fought over itself, the mess in his head rendering his body useless. Already he could hear how the suit creaked as Karai lifted her weapon.
It was never enough. It wasn't enough that he had given away so much of himself, it didn't seem to matter what he did. There was always something to fight. The demon, Karai, whatever was left of the demon, himself- and even when it looked like he could win one battle, he was already losing another. Being able to fight the shadows didn't mean he could beat Karai.
Fighting through the pain he was able to turn his head just enough to see the fight still going on not far from them, just enough to get a look at his brothers. He knew that one way or the other, he was going to lose. His life to Karai or his mind to the demon.
"I'm sorry," he mouthed, but they didn't have the time to even glance his way, fighting their own fight. The sounds of their weapons clashing became distant when his senses focused on only one sound; the whistle of Karai's sword as it cut through the air with his throat as it's goal.
He couldn't use the power if he was fighting it, and besides, he had already given it so much. Fighting would only make him lose.
So he surrendered.