A/N: Thank you to everyone who has left a review, especially those who have left very kind words, they are very, very much appreciated!
"So that's why he acted like he didn't recognize me at all," April said, nursing a cup of tea between her hands. She was sitting in the turtle's kitchen with Master Splinter, Donatello and Raphael. After the episode in the sick bay, the turtles had just felt too confused and worn to further question Leonardo. They hadn't known what to ask or say, because Leonardo's answers were all the same. Their worries didn't awoke any emotions in him, because… there were no emotions for him to feel. He'd given them away.
It was late, but nobody felt like sleeping. After making Leonardo eat something since he hadn't done so in a while Michelangelo had dragged Leonardo to the living room to watch TV with him, sitting clued to his side on the couch. They knew that it was still possible that the demon had something to do with this, and they had hesitated to leave Michelangelo alone with Leonardo, but if something happened, they were close enough to hear it.
Donatello and Raphael had told both Sensei and April what had happened. They'd had to start the story from the beginning to let April in on just what had been going on.
"I'm so sorry, guys," April said solemnly. Don was sitting next to her, and she placed a hand over his. "You went through so much with the demon, and now this…"
"There's no way it's all just… gone," Raph muttered, looking towards the living room. The only sound coming from there was the soft hum of the TV.
"Maybe it isn't- maybe you just need to make him remember again," April said, watching the turtle in red. Raph shrugged.
"He said he gave it all away," Don mumbled, and glanced at their Sensei. "But if April's right, maybe there's something we could try…?"
"It is hard to say," Master Splinter said, watching towards the living room as well. "If the memories truly are gone, then I do not know what we can do for him. But if they're simply locked away in his mind, we could attempt to reach them through deep meditation."
"Then why aren't we doin' that already?" Raph asked sharply, now looking at Splinter.
"It is not easy," the older mutant sighed, "you are not that far in your studies. It would be risky to Leonardo, and risky to you as well. Even I couldn't-"
"We were able to connect through meditation before we even found out about the demon," Don pointed out. "And when Leo reached out to me when the demon was controlling me, I could feel him in my mind- I felt the emotions he directed at me."
"Ya said we have a special connection," Raph joined in, even though he hated calling it that. It just sounded so corny to put it like that.
Master Splinter sighed again. "Yes, that is true. You four have something special, but trying to reach a mind that is already so fragile while you're still so new at this-"
"We have to do something," Raph pushed it, planting his hands onto the table. "It's not Leo sitting there. He can't remember anything, and he's so- he didn't even understand why we were so upset over this."
"He might've lost some- or most- of his memories, but he is still your brother," Splinter said, his voice harsher now. "You're only causing unnecessary hurt to both him and yourself by denying that so harshly."
For a moment the turtles and April simply stared at Splinter. They understood the risks, but they didn't understand why Splinter was getting… almost defensive over this. Like he wasn't only hesitating, like he was against it. Like they shouldn't even give it a try.
All their life, Splinter had always been the one with answers and solutions. He rarely simply gave a straight answer, often making the turtles think for themselves, guiding them into finding the answer on their own. But whenever there had been real trouble, real anguish and fear, Splinter had always been there, his wisdom had always been something reassuring, something they had never doubted.
But now… things had been piling up. Despite Splinter's wisdom they definitely hadn't expected him to know how to deal with a demon, yet he had known how to reveal it, he had read about demons. That still didn't mean he knew how to perfectly deal with one, but through this whole thing it had felt like… like maybe Splinter had known more than he had led on. Like he had been somewhat hesitant to deal with the whole thing.
Thinking like that made guilt pinch the insides of the turtles, Splinter had suffered because of the demon just like them, he was still walking with a crutch. He'd feared and despaired just like they had – so why was he so cold and harsh now? Why was he saying that they should just accept the situation?
"Ya didn't see the way he was," Raph finally mumbled and stood up to leave the kitchen.
"Raph…" Don tried, rising from his chair, but his brother was already walking away from them, clearly upset that Splinter didn't see the situation the way they did. Instead of going after him Don just sighed and slumped back into his chair. April patted his arm.
"I'm sure things will turn out alright," April comforted him. Then she stood up as well. "Would it be alright if I went to see him? It's late and I should head back already, but I think I'm not going to open the shop tomorrow. I'd just… I'd just hate to leave while feeling like I'm on bad terms with Leo."
"By all means," Splinter said quietly, almost sullenly. He had turned away from them to place his empty cup into the sink, so Don couldn't see his face, couldn't tell what was going on with his Father. One moment he spoke harshly, the second he seemed to regret his behavior. He exchanged a look with April before she headed towards the living area. Not really wanting to be left alone with Splinter since he didn't know what to say to him, Don followed after April, but stayed by the doorway to watch how her interaction with Leo would go.
"Hey guys," April greeted Leo and Mikey, causing the turtles to look up at her. "What are you watching?"
"Oh, um," Mikey glanced at the TV; it was clear his attention had been elsewhere. "Some movie that was on, I don't know what it's called."
"Mind if I join you for a moment?"
"Sure," Mikey said, watching her as she sat down on the other side of Leo. The youngest was glad to note that at least April didn't seem scared of him, even though Leo had thrown a shuriken at her not too long ago. Maybe they all should be scared of him, but that was difficult when Leo was doing nothing but simply sitting there.
When Leo looked back at the TV instead of acknowledging April in any way, Mikey poked him into his side, making Leo glance at him questioningly.
"Apologize to her," Mikey whispered, feeling his chest tightening because he had to tell Leo something like this. It was usually the other way around, Leo making him apologize to Raph after a prank gone too far.
Leonardo looked at him for another moment, then turned to April. "I'm sorry," he said simply, not putting any effort into his words. Michelangelo knew he probably couldn't, but still sighed at how half-assed his apology was.
"It's fine, Leo, Don and Raph explained the situation," April said softly. Mikey saw her searching Leo's eyes. "So, you really don't remember who I am?"
Leo looked at her a bit more intently now. "I know you, but I don't really remember." Then, after a short moment of hesitation, he added, "Sorry."
"What's the difference between remembering and knowing?" Mikey asked, and Leo glanced at him in turn.
"She's familiar, and I know she's a friend, at least now I do," Leo explained, "I just can't recall anything about her."
"Really?" Mikey's gaze turned slightly pleading. "Nothing? Not the time we saved her from the mousers? It was the first time we brought a human into the lair. Not her shop? Not the times at the farmhouse? Not that time when we were sucked into that weird trinket and we ended up in the jungle, you- haha, you said April was taking her Jungle Girl thing too seriously and she threw mud right at your face, boy, did that shut you up quickly!"
Mikey laughed at the memory, and April chuckled as well. But the laughter died when Leo was looking at him with a blank face.
"I'm sorry, Mikey, I don't remember," Leo said, once again not sounding sorry at all. "I see how much effort you're putting into trying to make me remember. You shouldn't; it's not necessary."
Mikey sat up straight. "What do you mean it isn't? Don't you want to remember?"
"I don't know if I can, and I'm fine like this, so it just feels unnecessary," Leo said simply. "I have what I need; the use of my hands."
"The use of your…" Mikey shook his head. That was all Leo seemed to care about; wielding his swords. Protecting them. The hurt came back again; Leo had really thrown everything else away so that he could fight. Maybe it should've made him feel loved, that protecting them was the most important thing to Leo... but when it ended up with his brother getting hurt and basically forgetting who he was, how could he feel any of that?
But then again… Leo had been so hurt when he hadn't been able to use his hands. Now he didn't seem to be in any pain, and the loss of his memories didn't seem to bother him. He was finally content with how things were, and they were giving him a hard time over his decision. Over his decision to stop hurting. Wasn't that wrong?
No. It might've removed some of his pain, but it had removed everything else as well. Leonardo had said he barely felt anything, that he mostly felt just empty. This couldn't be what Leonardo wanted.
"We'll fix this," Mikey mumbled, leaning back against him. "We'll fix you."
Leo sighed at his brother's stubbornness, but said nothing, allowing Mikey to continue using him as a pillow. April watched them quietly, her chest tight. She hated to see any of them hurting, and Mikey was definitely hurting. Clinging to his brother like he was afraid he'd lose the rest of him. And Leo… Leo truly acted differently. It was clear he was trying to act normal, but his cold behavior shone through too clearly.
April knew she shouldn't feel hurt over Leonardo forgetting her, he had gone through a lot, but it still stung. Before the turtles had told her what had happened with the demon she couldn't ever have imagined a world where Leonardo could hurt any of them. She could now understand the pain the other turtles had felt when Leonardo had attacked them when the demon had still been around.
She didn't know what more to say, so she sat in silence with the turtles. It really was an odd feeling, to sit right next to a family member, someone so familiar and important, and know that he felt nothing towards you.
The next morning three exhausted, sore turtles dragged themselves into the kitchen.
After April had left the turtles had finally, although hesitantly dragged themselves into their rooms for a few hours of sleep. Before going to his room Donatello had paid a visit to the lab and activated the system which monitored the entrance to the lair. If anyone was to open the doors, the system would alert him. With Leonardo the way he was, none of them trusted him to stay the night, even if he had to be as exhausted as the rest of them.
Once finally in their beds, they'd fallen asleep the moment their heads had hit their pillows. The night's events had taken their toll. Even on Leonardo, since the alarm stayed silent through the night.
Michelangelo sat down and rested his head on the kitchen table after he had loaded the toaster. Raphael had sat down as well and didn't bother to even glance at the fridge, planning on stealing some toast from Michelangelo. Donatello leaned against the counter as he waited for his coffee to brew.
Leonardo was already in the dojo. That was normal.
There was no kettle with boiling water on the stove. That wasn't normal.
"Did Leo forget that he drinks tea?" Mikey mumbled without bothering to lift his head. "I did ask him what his favorite tea was and he couldn't answer that… so maybe he did."
"Well, that's something I wouldn't mind that much," Raph huffed, still groggy after having just woken up. "I never understood how he could like it so much."
Despite his words, Raph commanded his tired body up so that he could place a kettle on the stove. Maybe, just maybe something as familiar as a cup of tea would help Leo remember at least something. And even if Leo didn't want to make a drink, Master Splinter would want his morning tea. Raph still felt confused and frustrated by Splinter's behavior, but he had come to the conclusion that it was just the way Splinter was dealing with the stress of the situation. He knew all too well how it felt when others took your reactions the wrong way. He knew how it felt to react the wrong way, the way others didn't expect – or want – you to react.
And he knew the guilt that often followed said behavior.
They didn't get to see whether Leo wanted tea or not; the eldest didn't come to the kitchen before practice like he usually did. When Master Splinter arrived into the kitchen, the mood was sullen.
"Morning, my sons," Splinter greeted them. He got various mumbles back. "We are skipping practice today. You've had very busy nights, and I want you to recover properly. You should get some more rest."
Splinter had meant to have a talk with all of his sons present, to finally resolve what had been going on, but… it was too late for that now. Leonardo didn't see anything wrong with the current situation. He didn't even remember the things that had caused him distress before, so there wasn't really anything left to talk about.
Splinter had planned on drinking his cup of tea and then retreating back to his room to meditate on the situation, but as he held the warm cup in his hand he looked at the turtles again. They looked exhausted, but none of them had moved to go back to their rooms for more sleep. The toaster had already popped the bread out and the coffee was ready, yet all his sons were doing was to stay where they were like they were rooted in place.
"We all have a lot on our minds, so perhaps some simpler exercises would do good for you, after all. It could help you clear your minds." It was clear that none of them had properly slept during the few hours they'd been in bed, and it was no doubt because of the stress of the situation they were dealing with. "Eat something and we will go to the dojo."
Once they had eaten at least a bit of something, they left the kitchen with Splinter. Leonardo was in the middle of a kata when they entered the dojo. He stopped and turned towards them, causing his family to flinch when they saw his black eyes. Even Master Splinter was taken aback.
Leonardo watched silently as they collected themselves. He'd told them this was how things were now, but they still watched him warily until they were all kneeling in front of their Sensei as he explained what they would do.
"If your eyes are black, that means you're using the power, correct?" Don asked Leo quietly, kneeling next to him. Leo nodded. "Should you… be using it? Doesn't using it make your head hurt like before?"
"That was when I was still fighting this," Leo whispered back. "Now I've accepted the power, so it no longer hurts."
Don frowned. When he'd been fighting it… When they'd discussed the power with Leo he had said that using the power was his only option if he wanted to fight, but he hadn't said anything about having to fight the power or its effects on him. Either Leo hadn't told them about that, or that trouble had only appeared during the fight at the docks, or during the fight with Karai.
Leo had already been hesitant about the mission at the docks, and they had heard from Splinter that he had sensed their distress, which explained how Leo had known to come to the fight last night. Leo hadn't meant to use the power anymore, but he'd been forced to fight again and again.
They were part of the reason Leo was in this condition. Yes, Leo should never have used the power in the first place, but… they had known it was Leo's only way of fighting, yet they had fought the Purple Dragons, they hadn't stayed underground like Leo had asked them to. Forcing him to come after them when they'd been caught in danger, forcing him to break himself in order to fight alongside them.
Why hadn't they done something sooner, when it had been so clear that Leo had been struggling?
Master Splinter told them to get in position, and Donatello moved automatically. Leonardo was next to him, and Donatello noticed his brother looking at him as he mimicked his movements a bit stiffly. Had even something as familiar as their beginning positions faded from his mind?
"Begin," Master Splinter ordered. Donatello blinked, having no idea what it was that he was supposed to do, having been too deep in his thoughts to listen to the instructions. This time he was the one who had to look at the others so that he could mimic what they were doing.
Not having listened ended up not mattering, for they only did simple stretches, some katas. Something to simply remove last night's tension and soreness from their bodies, for Splinter didn't want anyone to accidentally worsen the injuries they'd received. Nobody was saying anything, just following Splinter's instructions like it was a normal session. Leonardo was a little hesitant at first, but once he realized what was expected of him, he did everything with his usual sharp skill. They didn't use weapons, so the black had faded from Leonardo's eyes.
After practice Leonardo was going to stay in the dojo, but they dragged him out with them. They felt that the less he used the power the better, and they were pretty sure he would use it if left alone. And if they didn't leave Leonardo alone, they could better monitor him for any signs of the demon. They wouldn't allow a repeat of what happened before. Even the possibility of seeing Leonardo so tortured again was… it wasn't a good thought.
Michelangelo was more than happy to drag all of them to the couch again, where he made them watch some of Leonardo's favorite movies. Once again hoping that something familiar would bring back even a glimpse of their brother… but nothing really got a reaction out of him. It was like sitting with a hollow version of their brother. Like a cheap clone. He was there, but not really.
So they sat there, still tired from last night, feeling useless and numb doing nothing but watching the familiar movies. Mikey's excitement about the movies had faded quickly, and they sat in silence.
It was easier like this, though. To simply sit there and pretend they were having just a movie night, even though this was nothing like their usual movie marathons. Normally they would be making comments about the plot, the actors, cracking jokes, sometimes getting distracted by other things, and the movie would just play in the background while they argued or joked about something.
Now they all were just… there. Barely aware of what was going on the screen, apathetic. The situation felt so hopeless; Leo had forgotten almost everything. And what were they doing? Watching movies. But it was so difficult to think of what to do while still feeling so exhausted. It was difficult to shake off the numb feeling. It was like the state Leo was in was contagious, with all of them feeling barely anything as they sat there.
When the end credits of the second movie started to roll, Raphael finally managed to snap himself out of the numb state he had fallen into and stood up. They knew that Master Splinter hadn't been happy about them trying the advanced meditation they'd talked about before… but they couldn't just keep sitting here. They had to do something.
They had to get their brother back.
"I'm gonna go see Master Splinter," Raph announced and headed out of the room. Pulling himself out of the same numbness Don quickly stood up and followed after him. Leo moved to stand up as well, but Mikey grabbing his arm prevented him from doing so.
"Just stay for one more movie, okay?" Mikey was sure that if he let Leo go he would just go back to the dojo. "Please?"
"I can't keep sitting here watching movies," Leo said evenly. "I need to know more about what we're up against out there, about what's going on topside, but you're not telling me anything." When they had started the movies Leo had tried to ask them questions about their enemies, about past missions. They'd hushed him, telling him to just focus on the movies, and eventually Leo had given up and the room had stayed silent. They hadn't told him anything since they knew that if they did, Leo would try to sneak out again so that he could, in his words, protect them. "So if you wont tell me anything, I'll have to find out myself-"
"You can do all that later!" Mikey insisted. "Just sit still, I'm sure you'll like the next one!"
Don and Raph could hear Leo's question about why they were allowed to leave and he wasn't before they walked out of earshot, unable to hear Mikey's answer. As they walked, Don rubbed the side of his head.
"It's good that you got up from that couch," he mumbled. "I was totally caught up in how helpless I feel. We have to convince Master Splinter to try the thing he talked about."
"It's weird," Raph said, glancing at Don. "All of a sudden I just felt like there was nothing we could do, when there is. There- there has ta be."
Don held Raph's eyes for a moment, thinking. Was the sudden hopelessness they had both felt at the same time because the situation was finally starting to take its toll on everyone, or something else?
They reached Splinter's room and knocked on the door. A moment later Donatello and Raphael were kneeling in the middle of their Sensei's room while the older mutant stood by one of the shelves in the room. They were waiting for him to join them on the mat they were kneeling on, for that was how they usually talked. But as minutes passed without Splinter turning away from the shelf, Donatello began.
"We know you said it was dangerous to try to reach Leo through meditation, but please, Sensei, you saw how he was. We have to do something."
Master Splinter must've seen how Leo had acted during their morning practice. He must've seen, must've felt how different he was.
"He is different," Splinter agreed after a moment, now going through a small bag of different incenses he had picked up from a lower shelf.
"Way different," Raphael added impatiently. Splinter only hummed thoughtfully, causing Raphael and Donatello to glance at each other.
"Sensei, this… we have to at least try, don't we?" Donatello tried again. Why was Splinter so passive about it? Was he feeling as hopeless as they had felt just a moment ago?
"My sons," Splinter began, finally turning his head to glance at them, "Leonardo has been struggling for a good while. I am sorry we couldn't help him sooner, but it seems that with the recent changes in him he's found some peace of mind. It seems he isn't hurting the way he was before. Why do you wish to keep pestering him about it?"
The turtles could only stare. This… this wasn't right. There was just no way their Father could think that they should do nothing, that things were somehow alright now when they definitely, definitely weren't. There was just a hint of their brother left, and Splinter was trying to say it was alright?
"Pestering him?" Raph repeated, anger absent from his voice only because he was so flabbergasted. "Ya- ya can't be serious, Sensei."
"I am very serious," Splinter said, and his tone told them he really was. "Let your brother have this break from his hurt. Let him figure things out for himself."
"Things are fucked up because he was left to figure things out for himself!" Raph finally exploded, starting to sit up from the floor, ignoring the warning look Splinter gave him. "I don't know if he was just too stupid to not realize that the power wasn't a good idea or if it had already fucked him up so that he felt he had no other choice than to use it, but I know we were stupid for not realizing he needed help, and I sure as hell know that we gotta be there for him now!"
Splinter now turned properly to them, his ears lowered in a sign of anger. Donatello quickly placed a hand on Raphael's shoulder, pushing on it to make him sit back down.
"We're desperate, Master Splinter," Donatello said, speaking as calmly as he could. It was clear there was something going on with their Father as well, and Donatello felt that nothing good would come out of angering him now. They definitely wouldn't be getting the help they needed from him if they only agitated him. "Please, let us try it. If it doesn't work, we'll let Leo figure this out for himself-"
"No we won't-" Raph tried to interrupt, but Don quickly spoke over him.
"Just… just let us try to help him."
For a moment, the three were coated in an uncomfortable silence. Finally Splinter sighed and turned away to reach for a shelf where he kept some of his most valued items. He grabbed a small box, as well as a brown pouch. "I am hesitant about this technique for a good reason, but… I will let you try it."
Donatello's shoulders sagged from relief and Raphael sat back properly, though the glare in his eyes was still there. It was just confusing, how Splinter's behavior seemed to change without a warning. First he wants to help, then he doesn't, then he does. But… but for now they had to simply be grateful that Splinter was letting them do this.
"What you're trying to attempt is similar to what you've already done before; connecting spiritually. But before, you were all reaching out to each other. This time you're going to try to connect with someone who doesn't necessarily want to connect with you, and you'll be reaching for something that… might not be there anymore."
They were aware of that, but they had to try.
"The technique I'm about to show you has been used for very different reasons in the past. It has been used as an attempt to treat amnesia and concussions, but also to forcefully dig out information someone hasn't been willing to give. Some of those who've practiced this, even those advanced in this method, have caused damage to their own minds, as well as the person's whose mind they were trying to peer into. When it succeeded, it was a very powerful tool to gain information from an enemy- when it failed, the outcome was catastrophic. The mind can be a strong force, but very fragile as well."
Splinter kneeled back in front of them, careful of his injured leg, and placed down the items he was holding. He opened the box; inside was a small, white pearl with some carvings on the side. In the small pouch were various incenses.
"If Leonardo doesn't respond well to this, this is a serious invasion of one's privacy. If you succeed, you will be going through his memories, after all." Splinter glanced at his sons as he said it. Both of them looked serious and slightly uncomfortable now. "When you enter his mind, you will be in your astral bodies. That means you can still get hurt, and if you do, it won't hurt your real bodies- it will do something worse, damage your minds. It is important you remember this." Splinter gave them a stern look. "If Leonardo's mind resists you, it will try to drive you out or trap you. You shouldn't stay any longer than you have to, so you must never stop for anything. Always keep going until you find what you're looking for."
"What... exactly are we looking for?" Raph asked.
"That is another reason why this method is so complicated," Master Splinter answered evenly. "No mind is the same. We all process things differently. You might encounter memories which your mere presence could alter or even destroy, if you're not careful. You might encounter things that have never happened, something Leonardo has simply thought of or something his subconsciousness has created, like dreams. But what you should look for is what's currently missing, Leonardo himself. He is the only one who can restore his lost memories, if they are still there to be restored. If they still exist, they must have been pushed to the very back of his mind – he has to be the one accepting them. If he rejects his memories, I'm not sure if there's anything we can do for him."
Splinter had his hands folded over his lap as he bowed his head. "As I said, the possibility that there's nothing to restore is very real. You have to keep in mind that you might find… nothing. No memories, no Leonardo. In that case, he's…"
He didn't finish the sentence, leaving the turtles wondering what was the word that should be used. If they didn't find Leo, the real Leo, did that mean he'd be lost forever? Gone?
Dead?
"If… if the demon's still here," Don said after a while, "could we somehow force it out of Leo's mind? For good, this time?"
Master Splinter kept his eyes on the gently flickering candles. "That is difficult to say, my son. The demon was rather powerful, but if it has weakened- which seems likely, since it hasn't shown itself, then… I think it would be possible. It doesn't belong in Leonardo's mind, so it should be something that could be forced out."
"And then it'll just move into one of us," Raph grumbled.
"It was strong when it attacked you the last time. If it is in this weak state now, and you are aware of it, you might have better chances at resisting it. But this is all just speculation – you must remain wary." Raph and Don simply nodded solemnly. "I can prepare the room for the session when you feel like the time is right. Though I'm still not… happy about this method, I do think that the sooner you do this, the better the chances of finding him are."
"Then we'll do it as soon as possible," Don said. The what-if's they'd just heard were terrifying, the knowledge that they could mess up their own minds or Leo's… but if this was the only way to get their brother back, they were willing to take the risks. But if this didn't work, then…
No, they had to believe that it would. They couldn't give up even before they had tried.
But somehow the feeling to do just that was lingering in their minds. It was making everything Splinter had told them sound so difficult, so demanding, so risky. Was the situation really that bad? Leo was still Leo in some sense, he was with them, not being hurt or- or being worn out by the demon, at least they thought he wasn't, so it really wasn't that bad, couldn't they just take what they had? What if they messed Leo up even worse by doing this? Wasn't it just better to not risk it-
No. No, Leo wasn't himself. And it felt like none of them were either, all of them feeling so strange about this.
"Very well, I'll make the preparations. Now the next step is to get Leonardo to agree to this," Splinter said. "Even if you explain what you are about to do and he gives you his permission, it doesn't mean that his mind will accept you."
That left them wondering what they'd do if Leo wouldn't agree to this, though they couldn't really see why he wouldn't. He was emotionless, but quite mellow; he had complained about the prolonged movie marathon, but had stayed on the couch when Mikey had begged him to.
They left their Sensei to prepare the room and headed to the living area. There they found Michelangelo explaining some movie lore to Leonardo. Michelangelo was gesturing with his hands as he spoke, and Leonardo was just staring forward past the TV screen with a dull expression.
"-And that's why they're rivals, even to this day," Michelangelo was saying. "They say that even the actors weren't getting along. Can you even call it acting if you really hate the other person-"
"Hey," Raph interrupted Mikey, causing both turtles on the couch to look their way. "Sorry to interrupt, but the move has ta wait 'till later."
"Leo, you know that we'd like to help you try to regain your memories, and we were thinking of trying meditation to reach them. It would mean that, uh, we'd be… um…"
"Going through your mind," Raph finished for Don, having no trouble being straightforward about it. He crossed his arms over his chest, "Sounds weird saying it like that… but yeah."
Leo looked at them evenly before speaking. "You… might not want to do that."
"Why not?" Don asked.
"I don't remember how exactly I lost my memories," Leo said, looking away. "But I know I gave them away, and I know I did it for a good reason. The things I've forgotten were bad, they're things that should stay forgotten. I've seen glimpses of them, glimpses of this… this tunnel… but just glimpses, since the power shields me from them."
Don exchanged glances with Raph. The power wasn't shielding Leo, it was the very thing taking his memories away.
"I know you're not happy with what I am now, but… I think it's better this way," Leo continued. "Things could be worse."
His brothers stayed quiet, and Leo sighed.
"If you really want to try it, we can." Leo looked at them again. "But I really can't remember much, so you have to be prepared that you won't find what you're looking for. I don't want you to be disappointed. I don't want you to be hurt."
For the briefest moment there was something soft in his eyes, and like every time that they thought they saw something else than the emptiness, it was gone before they could properly register it being there. But those small moments had to be a good sign. It had to mean that their Leo was still somewhere in there.
"We'll… keep that in mind," Donatello said slowly. They were very well aware of the fact that they might not find what they were looking for, Splinter had warned them of it many times, and now even Leonardo was doing it. "We don't want you to be hurt either, and Sensei said that doing this might be dangerous. And… it will be kind of private, too, since we'll be going through your memories. We really want to do this, but we don't want to do this against your will."
Asking for his permission didn't feel exactly right – it wasn't really Leonardo who they were asking, just this hollow part of him. But it wasn't like there was a way to ask the actual Leonardo.
Leonardo simply leaned back against the couch, his expression not changing at the words. "If you really want to do it, I'm fine with it."
His answer wasn't very surprising, for Leo seemed to be fine with everything they said to him, like he didn't really care that much about what happened around him or to him. The only thing really seeming to matter to him was to "do his duty," as he called it. Get rid of their enemies and protect them. Which was very Leo-like, but he'd never been so extreme about it. He'd always had so much to balance out all that, but now there was nothing left to keep things in balance.
"Okay, if you're sure," Don said. Then he was just standing expectantly there, causing Leo to tilt his head at him.
"You… want to do it right now?" Leo asked.
"Splinter's already doin' some preparations fer it," Raph answered.
Leo opened his mouth to answer, but winced instead, hunching over slightly, grabbing his head.
"Leo?" Mikey asked, touching his shoulder carefully, leaning forward as well so that he could see Leo's face.
"Ngh… I'm fine. But there's... the power, it-" Leo closed his eyes and mumbled something to himself. Mikey leaned in even closer, but couldn't make out the words until Leo spoke more clearly again. "It doesn't like this idea…"
"If the power's hurting you, then that's even more reasons for us ta do this," Raph said sternly.
"If we do this, we might understand the power and its effect on you better," Don added. "We might be able to get rid of it- wait. It doesn't like the idea?" The look in his eyes was sharper. "The power said that? It- it talks to you?"
If that didn't just scream that it was the demon, then they weren't sure what would.
"Well-" Leo was cut off by a wince of pain, and he leaned even further forward, clearly in more pain by the second, "-sometimes. I try to keep the voices out, but it's difficult..."
"Fuck. Fuck, it's gotta be the demon," Raph mumbled, already making his way to Leo. He grabbed his arm and pulled him up from the couch despite the pained wince that left the eldest when he was moved. "We're putting an end to all of this now."
Leo mumbled something as an answer, stumbling slightly when Raph started to drag him away from the living room. Don and Mikey hurried after them, following them into Splinter's room. A strange scent greeted them when his door was opened. It was both sweet and dry, a mixture of herbs they had never smelled before. While they'd been gone Splinter had lit more candles, and in the middle of the room sat the small, white pearl.
Raph helped Leo kneel down in front of the pearl and sat down with him, keeping his arm around his shell to keep him steady. Master Splinter hadn't reacted to their arrival; he was standing by an unlit candle, holding a burnt match in his unmoving hand. He was watching past the candle before slightly shaking his head, setting aside the useless match and drawing another to light the candle. After blowing out the match he turned to look at the turtles, who were all focused on Leonardo, gathered around him.
"Leonardo?" Splinter called when he saw the pain the eldest seemed to be in. He received no answer; Leonardo sat quietly now, holding one hand to the side of his head, leaning against Raphael.
"We have to hurry, Sensei," Donatello said, hurriedly sitting down as well. Michelangelo followed him, kneeling down next to the turtle in purple. "He's being hurt by the thing in his head. This is not just about bringing back his memories. We have to find out what exactly the power is and get rid of it."
Master Splinter nodded gravely and turned to light up the last two candles. Donatello felt a buzz on his belt, and it took him a moment to realize it had been his shell cell. Donatello fished the device from his belt, seeing he'd received a text message from April.
Morning. Hope you guys were able to get some sleep. Is Leo doing any better?
Donnie, I really don't want to put any additional stress on you, but I just… felt you guys should know that I felt weird visiting the lair. I only noticed it when I got back home, because when I did, I felt like… like a heavy weight had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders. Being at the lair felt like… it just felt heavy. I don't know what other word to use.
And it isn't just me. Casey talked about something similar when he visited, but I brushed it off. Now I believe him. This definitely isn't just us being paranoid about the demon, I seriously felt weird there. Just… just be careful and text me as soon as you can, okay? You can call, too, I'm not opening the shop today.
Splinter kneeling down brought Don's attention away from the shell cell, and he had to put it back to his belt in order to focus on the task at hand. April's message was worrisome, having raised new questions and concerns, but there really was no time for those at the moment.
As soon as Splinter was sitting as comfortably as he could with his bad leg, he placed a hand over the white pearl. "Listen well, all of you."
Since Michelangelo hadn't been in the room before, the mutant rat told him what he'd told his brothers, and gave them additional advice. After that it was time to begin. Their Sensei muttered foreign words, poured more herbs over the pearl, and the turtles kept their eyes closed and focused. They directed their thoughts towards Leonardo, and slowly they started to feel disconnected from their own bodies. It was frightening at first, they'd felt like this before but it usually took more time and effort to reach this state in their meditation. The feeling was familiar yet strange, but they forced their minds to calm down. They couldn't get distracted, had to focus on the words of their Master or they'd get lost now that they had wandered away from their own minds.
When the warmth of the candles and the scent of the room faded, they walked in emptiness. Everything was dark, but they could sense each other nearby. They felt Leonardo near as well, but his spiritual energy was so much different than before. Dimmer, foreign. There was just a hint of their brother there.
When they were able to open their eyes, it took them a moment to make out where they were. The room around them was big, but very dimly lit; it was the building where they had fought Karai. They could hear the rain outside, and in the shadows of the room they could see Foot soldiers. Their figures were… blurry, but they were positioned just like they'd been the other night when they'd been here. Ready to jump out of hiding and attack. The turtles automatically grabbed their weapons, and they got into defensive stances. In front of them stood Karai wearing the Shredder's suit, but like the Foot ninja around the room, she was blurry as well. Only her red eyes gleamed clearly, and they could also see the metal suit's sharp claws and the sword she held without any blurriness.
Karai was turned towards the middle of the room… where Leonardo stood, holding his swords. But he wasn't in a defensive position or even looking at Karai, he was looking at them.
"Leo, watch out-!" Raph yelled, already running closer with Mikey and Don following- only for them to notice that Karai nor the ninja behind her weren't even moving. They were standing still, simply looking. Like they were frozen in place.
"This is just a memory," Leo said, and immediately they recognized the hollow voice their brother had been using lately. This wasn't the Leo they were looking for. "One of the few I have, and even it is… blurry, as you can see. This is where the shadows took over everything else, and I've… I've been holding onto it, feeling like I shouldn't forget… but I already have." He glanced over his shoulder at Karai. "I can't even remember her name, can't remember what she looks like under that helmet, though I know I've seen her face."
Leonardo looked up to the ceiling. "But this is fading too. Faster, now that you're here."
They followed his gaze and realized it had become too dark to see the ceiling. They saw the black fog they'd briefly seen before, when it had been rising from the floor, holding Karai's sword during the fight. Only this time it was more like black mist, slowly falling over the room. They realized that they couldn't hear the rain anymore.
Something like pain crossed Leonardo's features when he looked at his brothers again. "It's strange… I know I should feel regret and- and maybe fear, but… I just can't." Leonardo sheathed one sword and touched his chest again. "I don't know what it means if I lose this memory. Will I forget that the power is the reason I forgot so much? Will they take over everything? Will it be just like it was with the demon, will someone else control me?"
Leonardo sheathed his other sword as well, now weaponless as he looked towards the shadows. "Even they're gone, now."
Again they followed his gaze, and no longer saw the Foot soldiers or Karai.
"We weren't supposed to stop," Don realized. "It's true, our presence is affecting Leo's mind, we're making his memories disappear faster. We have to keep moving!"
"Don't worry, Leo, we won't let you lose yourself!" Mikey consoled their brother quickly as they headed towards the exit of the building. They weren't sure where they were supposed to go, but Master Splinter had told them to keep moving forward. The Leo they had just spoken to wasn't the Leo they were looking for- they had to go deeper.
Instead of stepping out into the streets like they had expected to, they found themselves standing at the top of the Foot Headquarters, in the garden where they had once fought the Shredder. This was where Leonardo had beheaded the Shredder, back when they had thought that would be enough to get rid of him. They had won that night, but the place still didn't bring very pleasant memories. There had simply been too many close calls during the fight.
The black fog was here as well, drifting around the edges of the garden, hiding the sky from view. A flash of blue took their attention from it, and they saw the Shredder, not Karai in her suit, but the actual Shredder with the Sword of Tengu in his hands, the weapon pulsating blue energy. Leonardo stood before him, but he was being driven back as the Shredder slashed at him with the long sword.
It was their instinct to rush forward to help, but before they could get close enough, the Shredder struck Leonardo down. The force of his attack made Leonardo fall backwards even as they neared them, and their brother crashed against a- a staircase. The scenery around them had changed in a blink of an eye; the garden was gone and they were inside the farmhouse instead. The black smoke hovered around them, wrapping around the furniture, sliding across the walls, but they recognized the living area of the farmhouse anyway. The Shredder stood looming over a confused Leonardo.
"What… this… this isn't right," Leonardo said as he looked around. "You- you shouldn't be here-"
They had never fought the Shredder here, so that was true. This memory wasn't right.
"The lesson isn't over." The Shredder spoke with the suit's distorted voice, but- but it wasn't his voice. It was Master Splinter's, making Leonardo look back at him with wide eyes. "You will go through the kata again, Leonardo-"
The Shredder no longer held the Sword of Tengu, instead lifting his steel claws, ready to strike down. Again they rushed forward to help- only for the scenery to change once more. Suddenly they were in the dojo, both the Shredder and Leonardo gone. But before they could properly take in their surroundings they heard footsteps from behind them, and when they turned to look, they had to blink twice. A younger Leonardo, around the age Splinter had started their training, ran past them. He was so small, his movements clumsy. Something flew past them and hit his legs, making him fall down with a short cry.
"Such a pity." The turtles felt a shiver go down their shells when they heard Agent Bishop's voice, but instead of him, Master Splinter stepped out of the shadows, speaking with the Agent's voice. "Such a pity you won't survive the next few minutes."
Splinter was holding one of the tools Bishop had threatened them with when they'd been captured by him, and the younger Leonardo backed away, tears in his eyes, terribly afraid and confused. Automatically the older turtles moved in between him and Splinter – they would've done it no matter what shape Leonardo had been in, but seeing him so young and helpless made them feel even more protective, even if this was just a memory, and a false one at that.
"That fog, the power, must be messing up his memories. Even the ones this old, when he was just a kid," Donatello said, holding his staff up defensively. "This is not making any sense."
"We weren't supposed to stop for anythin'," Raph reminded them, but did nothing to step out of the way, unwilling to leave the younger version of their brother.
"Yeah but, we can't just leave things like this!" Trusting that his brothers would keep the false memory of Splinter away if he decided to move forward, Michelangelo turned to Leonardo. "Hey, little Leo. It's okay- things are a bit weird, but it's alright, you're alright-"
When he reached towards the small tot, more black smoke drifted in, and the scenery changed again. Immediately they recognized Bishop's lab, and looked around guardedly.
Something crashed against the floor, and they whirled their heads towards the sound. Leonardo was there, the right age again, a shattered teacup lying by his feet. Leonardo was looking around wildly, his swords already drawn. "What the- how did I get here-?"
"Leo!" They hurried closer to him, hoping that the memory wouldn't change again, when the black fog suddenly cut their way. Raph was in the lead, and he just wanted to reach Leo, so he kept going forward despite the thick smoke. But the moment he came into contact with the fog he felt his arm sting- startled, he yelped and stopped to back away. Looking down at his arm he saw a black spot on his skin, like he'd been burned.
"Get back," Don ordered in a hurry, grabbing Raph's shoulder to pull him further away from the fog. "We can't get injured here, Sensei said it could affect our own minds-"
The fog was steadily thickening, constantly nearing them. It was nearing Leo as well, and there was now so much fog that he disappeared from their sight. The black, still aching spot on Raph's arm had been enough to warn them not to try to get closer. They had to find another way to Leo, or at least find a way to get rid of the smoke. But right now their only option was to completely turn around and run- the fog was starting to get faster, and it was clearly trying to reach them.
They ran past Bishop's distantly familiar machines, past the tanks containing strange liquids, when the lights suddenly flickered before going out.
"Great, just great," Raph mumbled before realizing he suddenly had a flashlight on his belt. He was sure it hadn't been there a moment ago, but it definitely wasn't the weirdest thing going on at the moment. He grabbed it and flicked it on, just as his brothers did the same with their flashlights, and in the new light they could see that they were in… in the sewer tunnel they had flooded, but it was empty of water.
They all stood frozen, eyes locked on the streaks of blood on the floor.
"This… this isn't real, guys," Don mumbled after a moment, but his brothers could hear the tension in his voice. "It's… it's fine. Just another memory of Leo's. We'll be fine."
"Yeah, totally, this place isn't that scary," Mikey said, his voice a bit high-pitched as he pressed himself against his brothers in an attempt to escape the pressing darkness around them. "Noo bad memories. None at all."
Leonardo hadn't been the only one suffering from paralyzing nightmares. So many terrible memories were suddenly brought forward that for a moment the three turtles could do nothing but stand close to each other, staring at the darkness, just waiting to hear the familiar footsteps that would follow them until they'd be caught and-
"We gotta keep moving-" Raph snapped his mouth shut when they heard the footsteps they had dreaded. Turning around towards the sound they halted. There was no Leo with black eyes and bloodied swords like they had expected, no, there were more than one set of footsteps. Instead of Leo they saw themselves step into the light. And they looked awful. Their bodies were covered in cuts, their faces mutilated, almost unrecognizable. They limped forward awkwardly with limbs that looked absolutely broken.
Mikey yelped and jumped back, but their zombie-like clones didn't pay them any attention as they limped past them. They were headed towards the entrance of the tunnel… where they finally saw Leo, holding his swords up. His shell was turned to them, and he was walking backwards while- fighting something?
Leo slashed with his swords, over and over again, managing to drive his enemy back for he was able to step forward again. But whatever he was fighting was giving him a hard time; they heard him wince when he didn't manage to block. It was so dark, it was difficult to see… until they realized that Leo was fighting the darkness itself, the shadows around them.
Leo glanced over his shoulder, his eyes widening when he saw them – and their broken clones. "Wha-"
The shadows rushed forward again, striking at his arm, leaving a long, black slash on his skin. Leo cried out, cutting with his sword again, managing to drive the shadows back a few steps.
This was the first Leo that had looked at them like he'd seen them. And he was fighting the fog- had they found the Leo they had been looking for?
If Leo could fight the fog with his weapons, maybe they could too. They still had their weapons in hand, so they dashed past their beaten copies to their brother, striking at the shadows, pleasantly surprised when they were able to drive them back.
"What… what are you…?" Leo was clearly confused, glancing at them before having to focus on the shadows again. The others Leo's hadn't talked to them, hadn't really even acknowledged them. He had to be the real one.
"We're here to help you!" Mikey announced, whirling his weapons. "In case you weren't aware, you kind of forgot a lot of things. And you're kinda, uh, not yourself. But we're here to fix things!"
"We're here to help you realize that you need to fix things," Don corrected. "Master Splinter said you have to be the one reaching for your lost memories."
"So we're here to tell ya to do that already," Raph growled as he swiped at the fog.
They felt Leo's confusion clearly- they were still in his mind, after all, able to feel what he did to some degree. "I… I'm aware I've forgotten things, but I don't know what I can do about it-" He grunted when he blocked the shadows trying to strike at him. "All I've been able to do is defend this memory-"
He was cut off by a voice that made them all momentarily halt.
"Le...o… why?"
It made them stop because the way it was said was just so… broken. It was Michelangelo's voice, but it sounded guttural, like he was choking on something. The voice echoed through the tunnel, like the voice was right inside their head.
"Why'd you... do this… to us?"
The next voice was Donatello's, sounding just as gritty and terrible. But despite the initial shock of hearing them, they shook the voices off- they knew this was another false memory.
But it looked like Leonardo wasn't aware of that. He was still frozen in place, staring towards the injured versions of his brothers, his swords lowered.
"I'm… I-" Leo didn't get further with his words- the shadows struck, and he was an easy target, just standing still. They hit his plastron, the strike leaving yet another black mark, and Leo backed away with a short cry. His brothers finally reached him and positioned themselves around him so that they could shield him from more strikes.
"You'll die… the way we did…"
"Shut the fuck up," Raph growled towards the clones; it was easier to say that when the gurgling voice speaking was his. Seeing and hearing Mikey and Don like that, so hurt and broken… it was hard not to react to their anguish, but he just had to remember it wasn't real.
Being surrounded by not-bleeding brothers seemed to snap Leonardo out of his stupor, for he lifted his swords again and re-joined the fight against the shadows.
"You said you came here to help, but-" Leo narrowly missed being hit by the black tendrils again. "These shadows were never this hard to fight, not until you appeared-"
"It's the downside of us being here," Don said while turning his weapon sharply to prevent the shadows from striking at Raph. "We can't stay for long, but we needed to come here to help you with your memories-"
Suddenly there was a loud noise above them. Glancing up, they saw that what little of the tunnel's ceiling they could see was starting to crumble. Dust and dirt rained down from the cracks that had formed above them.
"No!" Leo cried out, suddenly sounding panicked. "If you being here is causing this, you have to go, I can't let- I have to protect this memory-"
The shadows were even faster in their strikes. Mikey cried out when one of them managed to cut his shoulder. Immediately the formation shifted, the others now protecting Mikey.
"Protect? Why are you protecting a memory of the tunnel?" Don asked, puzzled. "This seems like a horrible memory, Leo- you've only gotten hurt here. Why this one?"
Leo hesitated, missing his next strike, but quickly lifting his sword for another attack. "I… I have to make sure I remember this. I tried to ignore the fear I felt here, I tried to get rid of it, but I guess it just made them stronger." He obviously meant the shadows they were fighting. "But being here, remembering this has helped me fight them. Because… everywhere I went, every other memory I could find was just… fighting something, running or attacking without other thoughts. Alone. There was no... " Leo paused, and when he continued, his voice was weaker. "There was no you. Everywhere else I was losing myself, just fighting blindly- but here, in the tunnel, I remember you."
A sad, shaky chuckle came from the eldest. "This horrible memory of how I hurt you, how you want to hurt me back is the only one that makes me remember you. I don't- I don't know why I couldn't find anything else, I'm- I'm sorry that this is all that's left-" Striking down yet another smoky tendril Leo steeled himself to continue with a firmer voice. "If I lose this, if I don't remember you,then… then what's the point of fighting this?"
They felt Leo's pained affection towards them. They felt the intense love aimed at them, and they ached with their whole souls for they couldn't answer it, couldn't comfort their brother, forced to keep fighting the shadows.
Small pieces of cement were falling down on them now; it felt like the whole place would come down.
"No," Leonardo breathed out, once again pausing as he looked up at the crumbling ceiling.
"What should we do?! How do we make him remember?" Mikey asked desperately as he only barely managed to shield Leo from the shadows that had immediately targeted him now that his attention was elsewhere. "Focus, Leo! "
"Splinter said that Leo needs to accept the memories that have been pushed back," Don said, jumping next to Mikey to aid him. "So Leo, whatever it is that you don't want to remember- you have to, you have to accept what happened-"
"I know, but- how could I? How could I accept this?" Leo asked sharply, using his left sword to point it towards their clones who were simply standing by the side, in danger of being swallowed by the darkness as well. "How could I accept what I did to you, how I hurt you- I can't atone for what I did, I deserve to relive this-"
What cut him off was Mikey suddenly dodging under his raised swords so that he could get close and pull him into a tight hug.
"Affection worked with the demon!" Mikey squacked, holding onto Leo tightly, scared that this wouldn't work this time and that the shadows were about to stab him in the back now that he wasn't fighting them- but no pain came. When he dared to open his eyes and glance over his shoulder, still holding onto his brother, he saw that the nearest shadows had paused, hovering next to them instead of attacking.
"Yes! That seems to be working!" Don exclaimed, stepping back to stand close to Mikey and Leo. Raph did the same, and as they stood close together, the shadows only circled them as if they couldn't get close enough to strike anymore.
"Good job, Mike," Raph praised, giving his shell a quick, affectionate pat. Mikey had turned his head back towards Leo and grinned against his shoulder before lifting his gaze to Leo's face.
"Leo, listen to me. You never hurt us, the demon did. We've been over this! But I get it, bro, I do- the shadows keep making you see bad stuff, right?" Mikey waited until Leo stiffly nodded before continuing. "I know it's hard, but you have to remember you didn't hurt us. You have to find the right memories, okay? The ones where you fought the demon, the ones where we got rid of it. You have to remember, and you gotta keep fighting them, not yourself." Mikey glanced towards the shadows. He stayed quiet for a moment before looking back at his big brother and adding, "And don't ever think that you deserve something like this, something that hurts you."
"You said you couldn't accept what you did to us, but it really wasn't you who hurt us," Don added. "You may feel like you were weak for being unable to resist the demon, but that's not true. You held the demon back countless times, and when the demon attacked you, you never gave up. You kept fighting. All we're asking is that you keep fighting."
"Yeah, and we're here to fight with ya," Raph added, holding his sais at the ready again in case the fog suddenly attacked again.
Leo seemed to mull over their words, but his grip on the handles of his swords was already tightening, he was ready to rejoin the fight. The shadows were being kept at a distance at the moment, but they were still a menacing presence around them.
There was another rumble- the tunnel was still crumbling.
"You can't stay," Leo said quietly. "I don't know what'll happen to you if you're here if… when this memory goes. You have to go."
"We're not leaving you alone! Not right after figuring out that hugs help!" Mikey protested, tightening his hold on Leo.
"You said I have to get back the lost memories so that I can fight this, right?" Leo glanced at all of them. "I've lost so much, but this memory of the tunnel is one of the ones I've managed to keep. I think… I think that has to mean something, so maybe… maybe it would help me remember more if- if you took me to the actual tunnel."
"What? That's the last freaking place-"
Raph was cut off when they were almost thrown off balance. The ground under them suddenly shifted; a long crack was appearing into the floor as well.
"Leo's right, it's not good that we're here," Don said hurriedly, backing away from the broken part of the floor. There was nothing but an empty void where the floor had cracked, and none of them wanted to find out what happened if they fell through.
"We came here to help but we didn't do anything- shit, why are we just making things worse?!" Raph grunted as he backed away as well.
"You didn't make things worse," Leo said, turning his head to give Raph a soft glance. "You've never made things worse- very much the opposite. I… I'm happy you came for me."
Mikey was still clinging onto him, even though they had to move away. Backing away while clinging to someone was a bit awkward, but Mikey held on stubbornly.
"Of course we came," Mikey said. He knew he had to let go, but he pressed close to Leo for one more moment. And finally Leo hugged him back, at least attempted to; he still had his swords in his hands, so the hug was a bit awkward, but Mikey didn't care one bit.
"I'm sorry for everything," Leo breathed out. The crumbling of the tunnel had become a loud thundering around them, but somehow they heard Leo's voice anyway. "I did it again. Kept things from you. I just… I was scared to tell you. I thought I could handle it on my own, this time. Didn't want to worry you. I'm sorry-"
"Don't, Leo," Mikey cut him off. "It's going to be alright, we're going to-"
This time the floor shook so badly that Mikey was forced to let go of his brother. The shaking wasn't stopping, and Leo gave his brothers a sharp, determined look.
"Go." He moved to stand between his brothers and the shadows still hovering nearby. "Take me to the tunnel- I know it's the last place you want to go to, but if there's a place that brings up memories, that's it."
"But we don't want you to remember just the bad things," Mikey objected. "You've forgotten good memories as well, and those surely won't come back to you in the tunnel-!"
Leo looked at them over his shoulder and smiled. "I'm sure you can make me remember, like when you told me about last summer. Maybe you could tell me more about it. See, I already remembered us talking about that- you being here already helped."
And then the floor was giving out under them and the shadows were rushing forward again, quickly hiding Leo from view.
"Leo!" They cried for their brother, but there was no way to get back to him with the floor crumbling- they began running to the opposite direction, not sure where they were going, but the only option was to run. They ran and ran, unable to look back, because they knew that doing so would only make them stop and try to find a way back to their brother. They felt Leo's pain all around them- felt the shadows right behind them, reaching for them, licking their shells, could hear their whispers in their ear-
They woke up gasping.
Drawing air into their lungs was difficult. They were breathless, their bodies feeling numb all over. There was a faint ache in their heads, and it took them a moment to blink away the blurriness in their vision.
When everything cleared, they saw that everything was the same in Splinter's room. But Splinter wasn't kneeling on his spot; he'd moved over to where Leonardo sat. The eldest was hunched over, a hand lifted to his face as he coughed. When he lowered his hand, they saw blood coming from his nostrils. They hurried to get up and get to their brother, stumbling slightly due to the numbness still in their limbs, but they managed to gather around Leonardo and Splinter.
"Leo!" They called for him, causing Leonardo to slowly look up at them. They were startled by how empty the look in his eyes was.
"Where… am I?" Leonardo asked weakly, coughing again. He swayed again, but Splinter placed a steadying hand over his shell, keeping him upright. "It's so hard to… think..."
"My sons, what happened?" Splinter asked, his voice tense as he lifted his gaze from Leonardo.
"We- we found Leo, but-" Donatello started, but didn't quite know how to describe what had happened, looking worriedly at Leonardo instead. "Why's there blood again, he didn't use the power- what's wrong with him?"
"I warned you that the mind can be very fragile," Splinter said gravely, but without any accusation. He looked down at Leonardo as well, gently touching the side of his head, wiping away some of the blood on his face. "Are you in pain, Leonardo?"
"I'm..." Leonardo tried to answer, but the words just simply weren't there. He lifted his hand to his throat, like the problem was there, but they all knew it wasn't. "I…"
"Sensei, we saw the power as well- it was like, like some sort of black fog," Michelangelo said. "It was taking over Leo's memories, and it was there when we found Leo, it… it…."
Leonardo moved his head towards Michelangelo when he spoke, blinking wearily at him. "Why are you… why can't I…" His eyes were glazed when he spoke. "Why can't I… remember what… happened?"
"Just take it easy, Leo, we got you," Raphael muttered, a hand on his arm, just in case he started to lose his balance again. "Just let us-"
The rest of his words faltered on his lips. Leo was now looking at him, but the way he did was strange. His brow was furrowed, he was clearly struggling with something.
"You're so… familiar," Leo finally managed to say, "why can't I remember... you?"
Everyone froze as realization washed over them. The lack of recognition they had seen in Leo's eyes had already revealed it, but they hadn't wanted to believe it. They hadn't wanted to think that Leo really had lost the crumbling memory of them he'd so desperately shielded.
It had been the real Leo's last memory. The last place he'd had. Now that it was gone… now that he had nothing but the shadows, no, now that the shadows had him...
They'd hadn't listened, staying instead of leaving when Leo had told them to. Their presence had broken the memory, and then they had left him behind.
You already helped, Leonardo had said while smiling at them over his shoulder.
No, they hadn't. They'd left him to the shadows, destroyed the memory he'd shielded, and now they'd lost what little had remained of him.