XXX

Janus woke up groggily, feeling like someone had shoved cotton into his skull through his nose. His throat hurt, his chest hurt- just about all of him was achey, actually. It was then that he remembered he was sick, and that this was actually an improvement over the last time he was awake. And so, with all due dramatics, Janus slowly peeled his eyes open.

And found Patton sitting next to his bed.

Patton was in his bedroom.

"What are you doing here?!" he yelped, sitting up suddenly.

The force sent him into a coughing fit, a harsh reminder that, though he felt marginally better than he remembered, he was very much still sick.

"Calm down there, Kiddo," Patton instructed, rubbing soothing circles into his back. "I'm sorry we came into your room. You were really sick, and we got scared."

As Janus's coughs subsided, Patton's words sunk in.

"We?"

He looked up, and sure enough, all of the other sides were there. Firstly, he noticed Remus, who was guiltily avoiding his gaze, then Virgil, who was anxiously avoiding his gaze. Logan was looking at him neutrally, and Roman had to shift his gaze to him from… Prince Lucian.

"Oh, fuck," he groaned miserably as he buried his face in his hands.

Now, his face wasn't just burning from the lingering fever.

"Language, Kiddo," Patton gasped automatically.

"Don't call me that!" Janus hissed, curling up more.

He hated this. He was still sick, and he felt terrible, and now here everyone was staring at one of his biggest secrets. And there he was, curling around a stuffed toy in his bed like a child.

"Okay. Sorry," Patton apologized. "Janus, we really are sorry for invading your privacy. But you have nothing to be ashamed of."

This was different than when Remus found out. Sure, he'd only told Remus because he found one of his hooks, but he'd still been the one to decide to show him the animals, and he'd been the one to decide to let Remus in on the details of his hobby. He'd realized that Remus really wasn't one to judge, so it would be safe to let him into his bubble of comfort. And, sure, he'd gotten closer with the others recently, but he still didn't trust them- not enough to let them into the little world he built for himself. Really, waking up to them invading his room only drove home that he couldn't trust them enough to respect his privacy.

"Jan…," Virgil spoke up, his voice quiet and concerned.

But Janus shook his head.

"No," he said, trying to make his voice firm despite its shakiness. "I… I don't feel good. I feel really bad."

He was being honest. If he was honest, surely they'd listen to him, right?

"I don't- I can't talk about this right now," he continued. "I-I'm not happy that you all came in here, but I really don't feel well enough to discuss it right now… Just… can we please talk about this later?"

Patton rubbed his back again, but this time, he flinched from the touch. The fatherly side pulled his hand back slowly with a guilty expression on his face.

"Okay, Janus. We can apologize later if you want," he agreed. "That's okay. Do you want us to leave you alone?"

Relieved, Janus nodded, and Patton stood up.

"We'll leave then. Just shout if you need us, though," Patton told him. "Or. Text, since we probably wouldn't hear you from here on a good day, and your throat probably hurts pretty bad. Um… yeah."

And with that, Patton started ushering everyone out.

"... Do you want me to leave too, Dee?" Remus questioned, guilt and sadness clear in his tone.

Janus paused in consideration for a moment before shaking his head.

Seeing this, Logan turned to Remus before leaving the room.

"Make sure he takes his next dose of medicine soon."

A few moments later, the door to his bedroom was shut, and they heard the main door to his room close as well. Remus slowly approached the bed, sitting on the edge.

"You okay, Jan?"

He shook his head.

"Remus, they saw…"

Remus looked away again.

"I know…," he responded. "You… Janny, you were really sick, and I couldn't get you to wake up. I had to ask Specs for help because I didn't know what to do and I thought you were dying, and then everyone else freaked out and broke the door down like in The Shining and came in before I could stop them."

Janus sighed, upset, and squeezed his giant snake close to his chest.

"They're going to make fun of me."

"They're not, Jan."

"They are, and now they're not gonna want to spend time with me anymore and they're gonna be mean and they're gonna hate me again and- and-"

Janus ended up cutting himself off by letting out a sob, and hearing this, Remus looked back at him and scooted closer, pulling the snakelike side into a half-hug.

"That's not gonna happen, DeeDee," he reassured the sick man. "It's not. If they even try, I'll cut out their tongues and feed them to some rabid alligators, okay? And, besides, they… they said they wouldn't."

Janus let out a dry chuckle, followed by some more coughs, a shorter bout this time.

"They could have been lying," he said. "And they don't know about… They don't, do they?"

"I didn't tell them that, Janny," Remus denied. "They just saw the stuffed animals because they're everywhere. But I didn't tell them that you play with them. But, really, if they make fun of you for any of it ever, they can say bye bye to their tongues. Or, maybe not, actually, because I don't think they could talk without tongues. But you get my point."

Janus hid his face in the yarn scales of Sir Slithers.

"I don't want them to hate me anymore…"

Remus added his other arm and tightened the hug.

"I… don't think they've hated you for a long time, now, Jan."

XXX

Eventually, Janus recovered and was back to his usual self, at least in terms of health. In terms of behavior, however, he was very deliberately avoiding the Light Sides. He'd gone back to eating his meals in the Dark Sides' kitchen, despite the others' attempts to invite him to eat with them (and despite the fact that he had long-since grown used to eating with other people by now, and the lack of it made him feel so lonely). He had also gone back to declining their invitations to hang out with them, and though he did still spend time with Remus, he wasn't exactly feeling up to crocheting or playing.

And just as Janus eventually recovered, the other sides eventually grew frustrated with Janus's attempts to avoid them.

"Ugh, this is getting ridiculous," Virgil groaned. "It's been, like, 2 weeks! He can't just keep avoiding us forever."

Remus turned his head 180 degrees to face the anxious side.

"Wanna bet?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, I'd say he has a pretty good track record with avoiding people when he wants to."

"Is all this really because of some stuffed animals?" Roman questioned. "Like, seriously, what's the big deal?"

"It does seem to be a bit of an overreaction," Logan agreed.

Remus's neck cracked as he looked toward his brother.

"The big fucking deal is that he thinks you'll make fun of him," Remus reminded them. "And, like, can you really blame him? Sure, now you're all buddy-buddy, but you guys used to make up shit to have an excuse to be mad at him. Do you really think it's so crazy for him to think you'll mock him, even just for the sake of tearing him down like a swarm of bloodthirsty piranhas?"

Virgil and Roman, remembering their half-completed plan, both shifted uncomfortably.

"We- we wouldn't have done that!" Roman protested.

"Suuuuuuuure, bro."

"We wouldn't have! We don't just make fun of people for things like that!"

Remus's grin widened.

"Oh, really? So, you didn't make fun of JanJan's name?" Remus asked. "Funny, 'Cuz I'm pretty sure that happened."

And Roman didn't really have a response for that, so he crossed his arms sullenly.

"We've all made some mistakes," said Patton. "And we all need to learn from them and do better in the future. But we can't move past anything if Janus just avoids us. I get that he's scared, but I'm sure he'll feel a lot better after we show him that we aren't going to make fun of him."

"His fears are likely exaggerated due to cognitive distortions," Logan pointed out. "So, really, proving that his distortions are inaccurate would likely be the best course of action."

"It's a… bit hard to prove that you aren't going to do something, though…," Virgil pointed out.

"That's true," Logan replied. "But even so, reassurances will probably help, and after a while of us not mocking him, he'll likely accept that we won't."

"I guess…"

And so they chattered on for a while, trying to come up with a way to get Janus to come out of his room for longer than a few minutes and actually talk to them when Janus suddenly appeared in the doorway.

The deceitful side stopped short, as if he hadn't expected anyone to be there, which wasn't much of a stretch, seeing as it was well-past lunchtime by now.

"Oh, hey K-Janus!" Patton greeted. "What's up?"

"... What are you all doing…?" Janus asked instead of answering.

"Just talkin'. Want to join us?"

It was obvious to all of them that Patton had quickly decided to take advantage of this opportunity to get Janus to talk. Which maybe was better than any of the plans they would end up coming up with. It wasn't like they were prepared or anything, but at least Janus was physically there.

"... I was just looking for dish soap," Janus explained. "Seeing as Remus seems to have drunk all of it."

"Oooh, yeah, I did do that," Remus confirmed. "Lemon with a hint of intestinal troubles."

"... Remus, I think we need to have a talk about what is and is not edible…," Patton mumbled to the creative side before turning his attention back to Janus. "But come on, Janus, can't the dishes wait a bit? Come spend some time with us! We were just about to, um… play a board game!"

Janus stared at him.

"Seriously, what are you all up to…?" he asked again, his expression blank, though there was the slightest tremble to his voice. "Patton, you barely even tried to lie convincingly."

"Oh, you've wounded me!" Patton exclaimed. "How could you do this to your old man?"

Janus took a step back, grimacing.

"You aren't my father, Patton."

Patton's face fell.

"I… I know," Patton sighed. "But, Jan, you've been avoiding us for weeks now, and we really need to talk to you. Can't you please just sit and talk with us for a little bit?"

Janus looked away, avoiding the fatherly side's gaze as he shifted uncomfortably.

"I don't believe that's necessary."

"Considering the fact that you've been mostly hiding in your room since you've recovered, I believe it is, actually," Logan pointed out. "Janus, I do think it will be mutually beneficial for you to hear us out."

Janus took another half a step back before Remus let out a loud, exaggerated sigh.

"Come on, Janny!" Remus encouraged. "Remember what I said? If they keep their promise, then coolio, and if not, well, you remember."

"Wait, what does that mean?"

And while the others tried to get Remus to explain what he meant, Janus mentally deliberated with himself. On the one hand, he was scared- terrified- that this conversation would be the one where they all laughed at him and told him how useless he was and how they didn't want to be around him anymore. On the other hand, he was already not around them anymore, of his own volition, and he hated it. As much as he was reluctant to say it out loud…

He missed his friends.

Janus let out a sigh of his own, which managed to catch their attention.

"Fine," he acquiesced. "But for the record, Remus has made a few threats regarding your tongues, so keep that in mind."

The threat was obviously an empty one, and Janus had only said it so he could pretend to have some semblance of control over the situation.

Virgil just rolled his eyes.

"Sounds about right," he huffed.

Hesitantly, Janus crossed the room and went to sit in the last unoccupied chair at the table, crossing his arms as he did so.

"So? What is it exactly that you all wish to talk about?"

Janus was feigning indifference and ignorance, and though he appeared as he intended, the others all knew it was an act. Patton went along with it anyway.

"Well, first, we wanted to apologize for invading your privacy," he said. "We were worried, but we got a bit too impatient with finding out what was going on, and we ended up invading your privacy when we didn't need to. Remus and Logan had it under control, and we should have trusted them to tell us if anything was going on instead of breaking into your room."

And this apology did seem to help a little, as Janus's posture lost a small bit of tension.

"It certainly was a dramatic way of doing things. I'm assuming the broken door was Roman's doing?" Janus asked, his tone exasperated.

"... Maybe."

"I know that you're mad at us, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be, but we are sorry, K-Jan. We were just really worried about you and wanted to make sure you were okay," Patton continued.

At this, Janus grimaced, and then he turned away from them again.

"But I'm not mad…," he sighed, sounding unexpectedly honest.

"You're not?" Virgil questioned, surprised.

"I literally told you dumbasses that," Remus chimed in. "He isn't mad, he's-"

"Remus," Janus hissed.

"Oh, right. Whoops."

"You don't need to say it," sighed Janus. "Look, I'm extremely unhappy about what happened, but I understand that none of you were being malicious."

He shifted, making his crossed arms look more uncertain and less like an attempt at intimidation.

"So, apology accepted, let's move on and never speak of this again, yes?" Janus spoke quickly, in a way that was nothing like the way he normally behaved.

And as they saw the human half of Janus's face grow red, they were struck with the realization of just how embarrassed Janus was with the situation. The man had kept everyone out of his room for years, had tried to hide all evidence of the things he enjoyed to the point that it made them think he was hiding some dastardly plan, and had now avoided them for two weeks straight- all for something as innocuous as a hobby.

Patton leaned forward, laying a hand on the table between them, not wanting to invade Janus's personal space but also wanting to offer him physical contact if he wanted it.

"Oh, Jan," Patton spoke gently. "You know you have nothing to be embarrassed about, right? There wasn't a single thing we saw in your room that you should be ashamed of, and I'm sorry that we made you feel like you should be ashamed of it."

And once Patton had spoken his piece, Virgil just started talking.

"Yeah, I mean, I get being anxious about people and stuff, but it's really not a big deal," Virgil told him. "It's unexpected, but if you like things like that, there's nothing wrong with it."

"I don't particularly understand the appeal of stuffed animals myself," Logan added. "Though I am not, well, entirely unfamiliar with some more… childish… interests."

"He's talking about the unicorn onesie," Remus explained cheekily.

"... Yes."

Of course, Janus knew about the unicorn onesie. Even still, he got the distinct sense that, despite the attempt to convince Janus that he shouldn't be embarrassed about his hobby, Logan was very much embarrassed over the onesie. Which… wasn't exactly supportive of their argument, but at least Logan seemed to be judging himself more than Janus.

Janus wasn't really all that surprised that Patton was fine with it. He'd always known that the moral side was, despite his fatherly persona, very childish. He'd more-or-less known that from the start. The way the others sometimes treated Patton was, after all, a big part of what made him fear what their reactions to his own childish aspects would be. But… he supposed it was still nice to hear.

What was more surprising was Virgil. Sure, Virgil often acted like a teenager, but that was quite a bit closer to acting like an adult than acting like a child was. And it wasn't as if he'd forgotten how bad their relationship had been not all that long ago. He hadn't even trusted Virgil enough to tell him about his hobbies before, when they were still friends and there wasn't yet any bad blood between them. Yes, now they were getting along again, and Janus would definitely be lying if he said he wasn't glad for it, but it wasn't easy to put trust back into the anxious side. He was sure that Virgil had similar issues with trusting him, and yet, they had actually been trying, and before Janus started avoiding the others, it had been working.

And then Roman began to speak.

"Janus."

Surprisingly, the creative side started with his actual name, the name he had once mocked.

"I think we all know that we didn't exactly get along in the past," spoke Roman. "Especially not after everything that happened with the wedding and the callback."

He sighed.

"But now that we've been spending more time with you, well… I'd like to think we're starting to be friends," Roman admitted. "And those stuffed animals… They're amazing. I'm Creativity, so I'm sure you know that I have an appreciation for creative flair. And I could see how much time and care you put into making them. It's… It's a good thing that you love creating things so much. It's a side of you I've never seen before, and even if we found out under less-than-ideal circumstances, I'm glad I did see it."

Oh.

Despite himself, Janus could feel his eyes almost start to water. He was 100% certain that that was the nicest thing Roman had ever said to him.

He really hadn't expected it.

"I just…," Roman continued. "I don't understand why this is something you'd think you need to hide. They're… They're wonderful, and if anything, I'd think you'd be proud of what you can do."

And Janus wasn't entirely sure what to say to that. He was proud of his creations, but his pride over them had always been a quiet one. It had to be quiet, because it was so intrinsically connected with something he was so utterly ashamed of.

And he really was ashamed. He could silently ramble to himself about hating society as much as he liked, but despite what he thought, he was a product of society, and he judged himself just as much as he feared that others would judge him.

But maybe… just maybe… He was actually judging himself more than they would.

So, taking a deep breath, Janus decided to test the waters.

"You… are all aware of how old we are, yes?" he asked.

"Um. Yeah, dude?"

Another breath, and he continued.

"And you all know… the age of people who typically have… stuffed animals."

"Jan, we really aren't judging you for having stuffed animals, even if you're an adult," Patton stressed, trying to make sure Janus understood.

Meanwhile, Janus knew that they still didn't quite understand.

He pursed his lips as his face grew hotter. He knew that the others could see the ever-reddening blush spreading across the human half of his face, but he couldn't stop it, and he couldn't turn away because the others could see him from all sides.

"Dee?"

"I… don't think I can say it."

"You don't have to, you know. It would probably make you feel better, though," Remus advised. "Just get it all out in the open, and I'm not even making a nudity joke this time! I could, though!"

And that made a few other faces at the table grow red (namely, Patton and Roman), so at least Janus didn't have to feel completely alone in his embarrassment.

"I… I…," Janus tried before inevitably covering his face with his hands. "Ugh, I can't do this. Stupid honesty."

"Hey, it's really okay, Kiddo-"

"That's-!" Janus exclaimed quickly. "Patton, that, do you remember how I asked you not to call me that?"

"Oh. Right. Sorry, Jan; I forgot for a second there."

"No, it's… Well, there's a reason I don't like it."

His face was burning. It was burning hotter than he thought was even possible because, on top of the embarrassment about what he was trying to tell them, he was now also embarrassed by the absolute mess of words he was making while trying to tell them. This wasn't like him- It was nothing like his usually-cool demeanor and carefully-crafted words.

He just wanted to retreat and hide in his room again, but he'd already gotten this far, and he felt like there was no turning back now.

He'd just have to keep going.

"I… I don't like the implication that I'm a child," he said finally. "Because I… I'm…"

His voice got softer, so that it was hard to hear him.

"I'm actually… rather childish…"

And they were really staring at him now, with varying levels of confusion and, possibly, concern.

"I get frustrated over the stupidest things. Like, way out of proportion, even though I'm an adult and I should be able to regulate my emotions better than that," he gritted out. "And… I-I like to play with them. The stuffed animals. Like, I play games, and I sleep with them in my bed and make up little stories for them and dress them up and like… things a child would do. So. Well."

He thought his face had been burning before, but that was nothing compared to how he felt now. Now, his face was an inferno.

And as silence rang out for a few eternal moments, Janus felt the weight of his admission pressing down heavily onto his shoulders.

He shouldn't have said anything. He should have just left it at the crocheting and let them think he was just grossly overreacting to fears of his hobby being judged. Now, they certainly thought he was some kind of freak and they weren't going to listen to him anymore or want to spend time with him and he should have just kept his mouth shut like he usually did instead of being an honest idiot and-

"Jan, breathe," Virgil directed. "Okay, so, that's really, um, unexpected? But even if most adults don't do things like that, you aren't hurting anyone with it. It's… It's fine, Janus."

It's fine?

"Jan, if it makes you happy, then we aren't going to tease you for it," Patton told him. "We really aren't. We might be surprised, but there's nothing malicious behind it. We… We want you to be happy. We care about you. And if those things make you happy, then do them to your heart's content. Okay?"

Janus blinked.

Was it really that easy...? They just… weren't going to make fun of him? Even if they thought it was weird, they weren't going to reject him over it?

"See, Janny?" Remus said, smiling a real, genuine smile. "No one hates you or anything. And if they did, I would have to steal their kneecaps. But they don't, so I don't get any kneecaps… But, point is, that you can be your snakey self! Believe me, just doing what you want is a lot easier than hiding."

And with that, Janus stood, and in a second, he had his arms wrapped around Remus in an unexpected hug.

"Aw, you do care~"

Janus knew that the teasing in Remus's tone was good-natured (it always was), so he let a small smile tilt his lips up. Even still, he leaned close to Remus's ear, whispering quietly enough that only the darker creative side would be able to hear him.

"You can be yourself, too, Ree," he whispered.

Remus tensed up for a moment before relaxing, becoming looser than he had been before.

"... Yeah."

XXX

Yay, acceptance~

Personally, I am not at all embarrassed about crocheting, but I was also raised as a girl (I have since realized I'm non-binary). I do think there are some men who would be ashamed of crocheting, though, since it's traditionally a more feminine hobby, I guess?

I definitely do think that there's judgement for playing with toys when you're an adult, though. I've had friends back in high school that kinda stopped talking to me after they saw my bedroom (covered in stuffed animals), and if I have a stuffed animal with me in public, I'm usually treated like an idiot. So, just saying- I think being afraid of judgement in this situation is reasonable, lol.

XXX