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Aaaaand I'm back. Reminder that the next part after this one is going to be the end of this series, so I hope y'all enjoy what's left~

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It was just another sleepless night for Virgil, and the anxious side was more than familiar with those at this point. It's not like he could help it- even with his own anxiety decreasing a bit since being accepted, he was still Anxiety. He was still going to feel anxious, even if there wasn't anything to be anxious about.

And so, after tossing and turning for a while, Virgil took out his headphones and put on some music. It was loud and not really what one would consider calming, but it helped drown out the anxious thoughts. Even still, it wasn't music to fall asleep to, so by the time his anxiety settled down, he was wide awake. He pulled the headphones off as he sat up, giving a big stretch.

Apparently, he was up for the day. He'd probably take a nap later, though.

He pulled out his phone to check the time- 3:02.

Well. It was what it was.

The man stood from his bed and pulled on his hoodie, the black one this time. He'd gone a long time without wearing it before because of its connection to when he was a 'Dark Side', but now that he, Janus, and Remus were friends again, he'd dragged it back out of the closet. He'd been worried the first time he wore it, not sure how the others would react, but in reality, they barely even seemed to notice.

As it was, he now wore it again occasionally, especially on nights like this.

He went out into the hall and started making his way toward the kitchen. If he was going to be awake anyway, he might as well drink some coffee, and no one else would likely be up to scold him about it. Or, that had been his plan, at least.

Instead, as he walked down the hall, he heard something that made it very clear that someone was awake: crying.

Virgil thought it was Patton, and so, with concern, he bypassed the kitchen and went into the living room, where the lights were on. A side was curled up on the couch, wrapped up tightly in a blanket. At first, that was all he could see since they were facing away from him.

The side was clearly trying to keep quiet, though they were obviously failing at it since Virgil had been able to hear them from down the hall. The quiet sobs and short gasps were also loud enough to mask the sound of Virgil's footsteps, apparently, since the side didn't react to his entrance at all.

Virgil came closer, approaching slowly so he didn't catch them off-guard, and that's when he noticed the stuffed cat clutched tightly in the side's hands, held close to their chest.

It wasn't Patton.

It was Janus.

"Jan? Are you okay, dude?" he asked as he knelt next to the couch.

Janus tensed up, his sobs cutting off and his face lifting to look at Virgil. The man's gaze then darted away as the human half colored red. He dropped the toy and began to frantically wipe away at his face in a pointless attempt to hide that he'd been crying.

Virgil frowned. He thought that they'd gotten past the point where Janus had to hide from him, but… Well, he's still Deceit.

"Seriously, Jan, what's up? Why're you crying in the living room at, like 3 am?" Virgil questioned.

Janus took in a shuttering breath.

"It's nothing, Virgil," Janus answered shakily. "Why are you awake?"

"'Cuz I have insomnia," Virgil answered simply. "Now stop dodging the question."

Janus frowned, and as Virgil looked at him, he watched another tear roll down the man's cheek, which was quickly wiped away as well. He then noticed that Janus was staring lower than Virgil's face.

His hoodie.

"It's really nothing important, Virgil," Janus insisted. "I just… I had a nightmare, and…"

"Ah," Virgil accepted. "What happened?"

"I just told you."

"I meant in the nightmare, dude."

Janus averted his gaze again.

"It doesn't matter."

Virgil looked at him for a while, waiting for Janus to say something, but when he continued to remain silent, Virgil picked up the dropped cat. This one was, surprisingly, not something Janus had made. It was made of old, worn fabric that had once been a bright yellow but had since faded into a yellowy-brown color. He could see places where Janus had repaired the toy over the years, as well as a spot or two that would probably need to be fixed soon.

Virgil didn't know that Janus still had this. It had been Janus's favorite toy when they were little, and after a while, he just seemed to not have it anymore. Or at least, Virgil never saw Janus with it after they were ten or so. It was a little weird since Janus had carried that thing just about everywhere before then, but Virgil had just figured that Janus outgrew it. With the new context of Janus's hobbies, though, Virgil now realized that the man had more likely just hidden it away.

He controlled the cat's paw to make it poke Janus's leg.

"Well, I think Mimi wants to know," he said. "Will you talk to her?"

Janus grimaced.

"I'm not a child, Virgil."

"Fine, maybe I'll talk to Mimi, then," Virgil teased, beginning to move the cat away.

Except Janus snatched it back, pulling the toy toward him again.

"Awe, don't wanna share, Snakey?"

"Fuck you."

"Wow, you're just gonna curse in front of a kitten like that, huh?"

Janus rolled his eyes.

"Virgil, you know very well that this thing is almost as old as we are and that she would've heard much worse from Remus already," he retorted in annoyance before stumbling. "I mean. If she could hear things. I know she's not real…"

Virgil shrugged, not quite sure how to respond. Of course, he knew Janus understood that the toys weren't real (not even as 'alive' as the sides were. Even in the mindscape, they were inanimate objects). And yet, Janus still semi-frequently referred to them as if they could hear or think or prefer things, usually getting embarrassed over it if he caught himself. It was like, on one level, Janus knew that they were inanimate, but on the other, he acted as if they weren't. Virgil had already grown used to this, though, since Janus had long-since started carrying stuffed animals around again. Just not this one in particular.

"Seriously, though. Your nightmare must have been pretty bad if you're crying in the common room this late at night instead of going back to bed," Virgil pointed out.

He caught Janus looking at his hoodie again silently. Then he stood up and moved to sit next to the man on the couch, leaning a bit close to him.

"Why are you out here, anyway? It's a bit of a walk from your bedroom, isn't it?"

Then, Janus sighed, hugging the cat closer.

"I was… I didn't realize what time it was," Janus admitted. "I fell asleep early, and I… When I woke up, I needed to…"

He trailed off, and Virgil leaned closer.

"What did you need to do?"

"…. Check."

Virgil held back a sigh. Talking to Janus was like pulling teeth sometimes.

"Check what, Jan?"

The other side shifted, though he didn't move himself away from Virgil.

"… It's stupid."

"Don't care. Tell me anyway."

Then, Janus rubbed a hand down his face, and Virgil was pretty sure he'd finally convinced Janus to tell him what the problem was.

"I… I had a nightmare," Janus repeated. "And sometimes, when I first wake up, it takes me a while to sort out what did and didn't really happen, and I… I get confused sometimes."

The man took in a deep breath.

"I mean, looking back now, it's pretty obvious what was a dream, but…," Janus shrugged. "Not when I first woke up."

Virgil nodded, his eyebrows creasing in concern.

"I…," Janus glanced at him guiltily. "I dreamed about when you left."

And that made Virgil's eyes widen since, even now, the two of them preferred not to bring that whole thing up.

"And I… I couldn't convince you to stay. Which… Well, that really did happen, so…," Janus continued. "And then… I don't know, then everyone was gone for some reason, and somehow I knew it was my fault. And I tried to find you and the others, but I couldn't. The mind palace was just… empty."

Janus took another deep breath.

"When I woke up… I needed to check if it was real or not," Janus told him. "So I tried to find you guys, but… Well, I suppose it's because it's 3 am, but none of you were around, and everything was quiet, and I… I thought maybe it wasn't a dream for a bit. And I mean, I know it was just a nightmare now, but… I wasn't exactly sure until you came in."

Then, he chuckled dryly.

"I told you; it's stupid," he said again. "Nothing really happened, and I got myself worked up because I didn't think to look at a clock."

Finally, Virgil leaned on the other man fully.

"It's not stupid, Jan," Virgil told him. "You were scared."

"I didn't even think about checking any of your rooms, Virgil," Janus gritted out, clearly angry at himself. "I just sat and cried like a baby."

"Didn't you just say you weren't a child?" Virgil pointed out. "What's the point in defending yourself if you're just gonna put yourself down anyway?"

At this, Janus just made a noise of frustration at him.

"It's okay to get scared because of nightmares, ya know," Virgil told him. "They wouldn't really be nightmares otherwise. I mean, I get nightmares all the time."

"But you don't act like a child because of them, now do you?" Janus spoke sharply.

Virgil sighed.

"I mean, I do cry about them, sometimes," Virgil admitted. "And it's not like I never need to be comforted by the others, you know."

"But you're still not a baby about it!" Janus hissed.

Virgil flinched for a moment at the sudden volume of the other man's voice. Then, he blinked at him and tilted his head in slight confusion.

"… Why do you have such a complex about being childish, Jan?" Virgil asked. "I mean, none of us really make fun of you for it, and this stuff clearly makes you happy. So, what's the issue, exactly?"

"Because I'm supposed to be an adult."

He looked at him again, searching the man's face. He could see the shame most clearly, as well as an undercurrent of anxiety and frustration.

"So what?" he spoke simply.

Janus turned his head to actually look at him.

"What?"

"Dude, you have some kind of a thing with being ashamed of yourself, even when no one else is judging you. You're defensive even when you don't need to be. But you don't have to be," he replied. "So, so what if you're an adult? No one else cares how childish you are or aren't, and what's the point in judging yourself more than anyone else is judging you? All you're doing is making yourself more upset."

"You're Anxiety. You literally judge yourself all the time."

"Yeah, but I'm also better at telling other people things than listening to it myself. Hypocrisy is useful sometimes."

Virgil really didn't understand Janus on this. The man could go on about all the reasons why doing what he did was okay, go on about how stupid society was, and yet. He didn't actually seem to believe it. Instead, it was more like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince anyone else- which, maybe that was exactly what he was doing. But they'd all been reassuring him that it was okay, and Janus did get more open about these things. It just, somehow, made him even more defensive in a way.

Then, Virgil saw that Janus was crying again, though they were silent tears rolling down his cheeks this time. And this time, he didn't wipe them away. Instead, he just hid his face in his hands.

"I just wish I could be more like the rest of you sometimes," Janus confessed. "I do like these childish things, but sometimes I really wish I didn't."

"…"

Janus tightened his hold on the cat.

"I'm not supposed to be like this, but I am, and I can't just make myself change, even though I'm literally Deceit, and I should be able to slip into different roles easily," he continued. "Except- they're just roles. They're all pretend, and I'm still- I'm still like this. I don't understand how the rest of you actually grew up, when I feel like I- I feel like I'm stuck in the past half the time! It's not- It's not just the stuffed animals, and it's really not about making them. I-I really don't get these things, Virgil!"

"Don't get what things, Jan?" Virgil asked softly.

Janus angrily gestured around in a way that Virgil was pretty sure was some combination of 'everything' and 'not sure'. Then, Janus growled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I don't know, it's just. It's not that I can't do adult things. It's not that I can't be mature when I need to be. I-I can do my job just fine," Janus tried to explain. "It's just. If we weren't in the mindscape, if we were people instead of sides… I don't know if I could actually function as a real adult in the real world. I get along fine because we're sides. And sides are born with roles- we don't really have to figure anything out. But if I had to figure things out on my own, go to school and make appointments and get a job and rent an apartment and all those things real adults have to do, I don't think I could. I-I wouldn't even know where to start. And I don't even know exactly how to phrase it, but I just feel different than the rest of you. I feel… less capable? I really don't know, I just…"

This was definitely starting to get into territory Virgil was familiar with: anxiety. Janus's feelings were largely based on shame, but the longer they talked, the more Virgil could sense the anxiety coming from the other man. And some of that anxiety was likely from admitting all of this to him, but… He was pretty sure some (or a lot of it) of it was because Janus was afraid that there was something wrong with him.

"You really think you're less capable than Roman?" Virgil joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

It didn't work.

"Roman rules an entire kingdom in the imagination," Janus responded. "He can be childish and he's largely focused on fantasy, but he can still manage to be responsible."

"Well, you just said that you're able to do your job," Virgil reminded him. "Isn't that being responsible?"

"That's different."

"How?"

Janus huffed.

"I already told you I have a hard time explaining it!" he spat. "It just is!"

And then Janus threw his cat on the floor, which was surprising. He knew Janus cared about it, and he wouldn't want to risk damaging it, but apparently the man was riled up enough to not care at the moment.

"Jan," he spoke, his tone lightly scolding.

It made Janus let out a short laugh.

"See? I'm- I'm practically throwing a tantrum, and you're scolding me like a child," he stressed. "This is what I mean, Virgil! I shouldn't be doing this!"

Silently, Virgil did think that Janus probably shouldn't be yelling at this time of night, but he hopefully wasn't loud enough for the others to be woken up.

Virgil sighed.

"Okay, yeah, so you aren't always exactly 'mature' or whatever," spoke Virgil. "But the rest of us aren't always mature, either, and you know it. And maybe you show it in ways that aren't the same as us, but that doesn't mean you're worse than us."

He leaned over to pick up Mimi.

"And really, why does it matter if you'd be able to function if you weren't a side. You are a side; we're all sides," he continued. "We all represent different aspects of Thomas. None of us can encompass everything that a person would need to survive in the real world. So maybe the reason you feel like you couldn't is because you aren't supposed to. You said it yourself- we all have roles, and you fulfill yours. Doesn't that mean that you're doing exactly what you're supposed to be?"

Virgil tried to hand the cat back to Janus, but he found that the man was staring at him, clearly shocked. He pushed the toy back into his hands anyway, finally noticing that Janus wasn't wearing his gloves. He accepted its return and let his gaze trail down to the floor.

"… I never really thought about it like that."

Virgil shrugged.

"Yeah, well, now you can," Virgil told him. "So maybe, next time you feel bad for being a 'baby', you can try to think of that instead. I know that changing how you think isn't easy, but you might as well try."

Janus didn't answer, choosing to run his fingers over the cat's paw instead.

"And about your nightmare…," Virgil continued once it was clear Janus wasn't going to say anything. "There's nothing wrong with what you did with that, either. I mean, it would probably be better if you came to one of us so we could help, but I get why you didn't. You can if you want to next time, though."

Virgil had a feeling that Janus probably wouldn't have come to them even if he had thought to do so. But. He should at least offer, and maybe Janus would take him up on it eventually.

Finally, Janus nodded.

"Okay."

"Cool," Virgil replied. "So, do you think you're going to go back to bed tonight, or are you staying up?"

"I'm pretty sure trying to go back to sleep is pointless now."

"Right, well, I'm going to make some coffee," Virgil announced, standing up. "Come on and you can make some tea or whatever."

"… Alright," Janus agreed, also removing himself from the couch.

The man pulled his blanket tighter around his shoulders, mimicking the way he wore his capelet, and followed Virgil into the kitchen.

"… I'm sorry about all that," he apologized quietly once the two of them were settled at the table with their respective preferred drinks.

Virgil rolled his eyes.

"You don't need to apologize. You were upset, and I was already up, anyway."

"…"

"Just drink your tea, dude."

"… Thanks."

And with that, Janus picked up his mug and took a small sip of his tea.

Virgil hadn't expected that he would be comforting Janus because of a nightmare and subsequent questioning of his life that night, but for once, he was a little bit glad to be awake in the middle of the night. Maybe Janus would actually take his words to heart this time and stop being so ashamed of himself.

"Don't mention it."

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