A/N Sorry for taking so long and for uploading a messed up chapter! Thankfully someone let me know quickly.

I haven't been very happy with this chapter, but I'm really looking forward to Canada where this story will definitely be different from the show!

Chapter 9

Mrs. Winslow was waiting in the conservatory when Serena came back downstairs. Their Martha showed her the way and she mumbled a 'blessed be the fruit'. The blonde sat down and put a napkin in her lap before pouring herself a cup of tea.

"You really have a lovely home," Serena began the small talk she'd been dreading. A month ago she would've loved to be here with a fellow wife, drinking tea and just gossip about their husbands and gush about babies, but so much had changed now. Serena was in a different place, and although she'd gotten the wives in her district talking and thinking, they weren't going to stand by her when things got difficult. The fact that most of them backed away after she read the Bible just proved how alone and powerless she truly was.

People expected her to take a stand, to use her voice to bring Gilead down. June expected that much at least. That's why she'd convinced Fred to let her sit in on the meetings, but she was way off. That wouldn't change anything at all. Her voice meant nothing and would just end with her on the wall. Perhaps June would join her, but Fred seemed hellbent on protecting her so she doubted it. The men had the power in this country and it was too late to change that.

"Thank you," Mrs. Winslow smiled and scanned the room quickly as if she had never considered her home before. "I was terribly sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter."

There was certainly no beating around the bush. "We're working on getting her back. I'm sure Canada aren't foolish enough to keep her imprisoned like that," Serena said what she thought would please her friend.

"You have all the forces of Gilead behind your back and they will rain on Canada if they don't come to an agreement," Olivia Winslow said and took a sip from her cup. That was exactly what Serena was afraid of. Gilead's army was strong and could surely win, especially if they still had Mexico and a few other countries on their side. And when Serena finally handed Fred over, would they hunt her down until she hung from her own intestines on the wall? A chill crawled down Serena's spine at the thought.

"I've been praying for a safe return," she said and sipped her tea. "Must be nice having so many kids running around."

Mrs. Winslow let out a chuckle and nodded. "They're a handful, but I'm lucky God blessed me with this gift."

"Praised be," Serena nodded, and she almost jumped out of her skin when the door suddenly opened and a little girl ran in, jumping into her mother's lap.

"Ruth, I told you not to disturb your mother when she has company," the Martha said and Serena studied Olivia closely to see if she could spot an ounce of annoyance. Would she then take it out on the Martha, punish her in some way for not taking better care of the children. Serena couldn't be sure what these people were capable of, even if they on the outside looked like a happy family.

So did Serena and Fred. But that perfect facade had started to crack, showing everyone what kind of man Fred was. To her he was a power hungry monster, to others he was a man who had trouble keeping a leash on his woman. They were not wrong.

If Olivia Winslow was displeased with her daughter interrupting she didn't show it. Serena finished the cup she'd been given and put it down on the plate again before she stood up. "I'd better go check on my handmaid. I never know what kind of trouble she gets herself into. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to see your greenhouse before the visit is over."

"Of course, Serena. Under his eye," she smiled at the blonde and Serena returned with a smile of her own.

She almost felt claustrophobic in that room. Perhaps because seeing Olivia with a daughter struck something within her, the same longing that created this hellhole. She wasn't sure she'd ever get what they had, not even with Nichole because she was positive June would claim her whenever she managed to escape.

As she walked out of the room she glanced over to where the kids were playing, seeing that her husband was actually engaged in what they were doing. She was well-aware of what he was trying to do, the manipulation at work right now. If she got to see a house full of kids provided by their handmaid she would surely want to rekindle their relationship and strive for a real family. But would it be real? They wouldn't be biological and people like Mark Tuello would always be around the corner to tell you the kids weren't hers. Now, that didn't mean she regretted meeting Tuello of course.

June was also watching the commanders with the kids and Serena walked up to stand beside her. She could feel the hatred drip off of the handmaid and saw how her jaw clenched to keep herself from dropping a snide comment. Serena wanted to tell her right then and there that she didn't want Nichole to come back to Gilead, that it was all a ruse to get Fred into Canadian custody.

Mrs. Winslow was a wife just like her, but she was positive the woman wouldn't back her up if she'd have known. She would run straight to her husband and tell him everything and Serena would either be publicly executed or sent to the colonies. The latter would probably be the bigger punishment if Fred really wanted to hurt her, which he would without a doubt want. Olivia seemed happy with her life here, with all the kids God had sent her, children she could lose if the resistent would truly happen. If she knew June, she wouldn't stop until Gilead had fallen, or until she was dead. The woman had been lucky to not end up on the wall yet. Just showed how much Fred really cared about the woman. Affection he no longer held for Serena. The blonde had hated June for it, but now she could do nothing but accept it as she tried to escape this marriage and country.

Serena found Fred's plan rather stupid. In every public pleading they made to Canada he insisted on bringing June, in her red gown of course, as if that would make Canada reconsider. They all knew that women from Gilead escaped to seek refuge in the neighboring country and seeing June in her handmaid's uniform would just further remind them of the women's oppression. Serena knew that, but telling Fred would be pointless and frankly, it just helped her own cause.

Fred had shown that he would die before abandoning Gilead's laws, and he was almost proud of showing off their handmaid. Perhaps he thought they would reconsider if they saw that the biological mother was on their side, as if June had chosen to be there. Serena glanced at the other woman and could see the anger boiling within, an anger that would surely reach out through the screens in Canada. June did not have a choice whether or not to lead them through prayer either, but still she kneeled in front of hundreds of handmaid's and spoke those words.

After the show they were going back to the Winslows', but Serena asked her husband if she could just get a moment. The man seemed to want nothing more than to please her so he agreed to walk ahead and she'd join him later. June was standing in front of the giant statue of Abraham Lincoln and she slowly walked up the woman, standing side by side with her.

"That's nice… the silence," she said, glancing over at the handmaid.

June removed the piece of cloth she'd been forced to wear over her mouth, just like all the handmaids had in Washington, probably to hide the awful sight of the rings through their lips. "You could return the favor." She turned around to leave and Serena just couldn't do it anymore.

"You know, let's just stop," she said with a sigh and turned toward the handmaid. "Please." Serena started to walk closer, a nervous feeling fluttering through her body, a feeling she shouldn't feel talking to a handmaid, but June always brought out the worst of her. "This is all gonna be over soon, you're gonna go back home and we're gonna stay here and you and I will finally be free of one another."

"You will never be free of me. You will never be free of me until both my children are safe," June said, clenching her jaw. That was Serena's constant prayer for Nichole and she told June that, but the other woman kept on going. "I trusted you… to let her have the best life possible, to do the right thing." If she only knew what Serena was doing right now, this conversation would never have happened. Not that the other woman would ever allow Nichole to live with her, but at least she doesn't have any plans to bring their baby girl back here.

"And I trusted you to stay with her," Serena spat back.

"I gave her the name of Nichole, I did that to honor you for getting her out. You will not let her go."

"Because I love her."

"This isn't love. You can't love. You don't know how. Serena, you… you built this whole world just so that you could have someone, but it didn't work. You're small. You're cruel. And you're empty." Serena turned around slowly, a single tear running slowly down her cheek. That last part really struck her because there was so much truth to it. That's how she'd felt for so long now, until Nichole was born. "You will always be empty."

Serena didn't know what to say, but she knew she wanted to hurt the handmaid, to make her feel the way she did. Even if June had proven to be a lot stronger than Serena would ever be. One week as a handmaid would've wrecked her and probably ended with her taking her own life. So what she said next was far from what she really wanted to do.

"I should've let you burn when I had the chance," June retorted through her teeth. Serena had seen her angry before, but this time it struck her differently. The handmaid had a way of really getting to her in a way no one else could. She wouldn't have said that if she knew the truth. Right? Because she knew she could love. She had once loved her husband. She was positive she loved Nichole more than anything or she wouldn't betray her country. And, she'd come to realize, that she might've developed feelings for Mark Tuello that could resemble love, something she couldn't speak out loud about quite yet.

The taller blonde was the first to break their staring contest as she turned around to leave, the peace and quiet was interrupted anyways. Serena hated how weak she'd become, that tears was falling, that the one person she'd started to rely on in this country had turned against her. Okay, Serena was the reason why she had done so, but all her reasons were for the better. If Canada got Fred, Gilead would certainly weaken. Or so she hoped. At least it would be a start.