Last time: The past (chapter 66) doesn't always repeat itself, but broken things can't always be fixed. High time to wrap up a bad situation (that started in chapter 119).

Chapter 126. Liar.

"Glad to see you're okay."

Lorne stood a few feet away from the end of the gurney, his hands in the pockets of his steel blue jacket. He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, though; probably as off-duty as one could get on Atlantis. He and his team had been through a lot, and time to stew on it was a requirement. Before, Radek hadn't understood it.

"Yes, Major, doing well. Is Reed okay?"

Lorne nodded, but didn't say anything for a few minutes. "Evan," he corrected, and took a seat next to Radek's feet. Didn't look at him, though. "Yeah, he's great, already up and about. Beckett says he should be good to go in just a couple weeks."

"I'm glad."

Major Lorne—or, Evan, maybe—sat there silently for longer than Radek wished he would. He wasn't sure what news had made it around Atlantis yet about his leaving, but of course the major might have heard first. After all… by most metrics, Radek was leaving because of him. His team. Going through the Stargate with them, anyway.

"Doctor Weir told me you might be leaving." He finally looked at Radek. Radek didn't know his thoughts on it, he was so stone-faced. "And, uh, not just the team. And I, uh…"

Radek shook his head before he could say it. "No, no, no, it's nothing to do with you, with the team, I—"

"That's nice of you to say, but we both know that's not true." Stone-faced, still. He looked away.

"It wasn't your fault," Radek said finally. He had all of, what, maybe five years on Evan and none of the combat experience, but right now Radek felt the sage to his acolyte. "Things go bad. People die. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault."

"Yeah, well, this doesn't seem to happen to anybody else," Lorne muttered.

Radek couldn't help his smile. He didn't imagine that Lorne felt the same way about Sheppard as he felt about McKay. Hate them or love them, their luck was other-worldly. Sheppard should have died at least three times that Radek could remember off the top of his head. Ronon survived things no human had any right surviving. Rodney survived in spite of himself.

"I tell myself he's good because he's lucky," Radek offered.

Major Lorne chuckled. "There is something to that."

"But he's not—I mean, Rodney, anyway. He isn't always lucky."

Lorne nodded slowly, like he didn't believe Radek or couldn't think of a time he wasn't lucky. It was a hard one to bring to mind, but Radek still thought about Collins every now and again. Missed the beers and the friendly competition they had going of who Rodney insulted more. They'd been friends for five years before he died. They worked on the same project in Denver. Collins practically recruited him to the Stargate program—he wouldn't be here without him.

"You remember the project on Doranda? One of the scientists…"

"Oh. Right." Major Lorne looked at Radek sideways, looking a little embarrassed. Probably because he didn't remember the name of the scientist he'd probably only passed in the hallways, if that. "I guess people die around here more often than I give credit for."

"Collins. Dumais."

"Ford. Walker and Stevens."

Walker and Stevens. Had things been just a bit different, could have added Zelenka and Reed to that list. A few hours, and all of them could have been reduced to dust. But, as he said: things went bad, people died. Didn't mean it was his fault. Didn't mean Collins was Rodney's. Didn't mean Ford was Sheppard's.

"If I were another man, in another place in my life, this wouldn't be a problem for me, you know?" He looked down at the spot in his chest that had been sewn back together. "Though, it is true I didn't sign up to come to Atlantis for this. I am and always will be a… uh, what do they call them? A desk…? A desk-something."

"Desk-jockey." Lorne supplied the correct term with a chuckle. "And, no, I get it. You have Anna to think about."

"I do."

The silence that followed was, to Radek's surprise, not uncomfortable. All the same, he was concerned. Even though it had been days and the danger was over, he could still feel Lorne's shaking hand, slick with his blood. He could see those two seconds Lorne lost control to—something. The knowledge that his second-best was going to get somebody killed. If not Radek or Reed today, then someone else tomorrow.

All because Sheppard seemed to defy gravity itself sometimes.

It was a subject he couldn't broach. Not directly.

Radek figured out a long time ago that comparing himself to Rodney was fraught with all kinds of psychological danger. For one thing, there were plenty of ways in which Radek actually surpassed Rodney. He was sure the same was true for Lorne and Sheppard. But he might never know that if he didn't think about it. He might never think about it, though, especially since Radek could think of no legitimate reason for anybody to complain about Sheppard.

That made it harder. More than once, Radek and Collins had shared drinks and took turns listing the myriad ways in which Rodney fell short. Even though it didn't help in the moment—being called Fumbles McStupid in front of all of Atlantis was never fun—it helped.

Did Evan have that? There were other teams, other leaders, but Sheppard seemed to be uniformly considered godlike. Rodney was considered godlike in physics, insufferable egomaniac otherwise. Everyone knew it. Radek was aware of no such rumors concerning Sheppard, and he would have at least heard them from Rodney.

"Are you alright?" Radek asked slowly, only testing direct eye-contact with a slightly turned head. Best take the almost-direct approach, apparently.

"Me?" Lorne looked around like he expected Reed to be standing behind him. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Radek stayed quiet. He couldn't suggest that Lorne wasn't fine, especially since he wasn't sure. But physical injury wasn't all there was. He could still recall the man that had chosen to sit in the empty tower after losing almost his entire team.

"What? You think I'm not?" To his surprise, Lorne didn't sound defensive.

Did that bode well? Or no? He wasn't a psychologist, but he wasn't going to suggest Lorne go talk to Doctor Heightmeyer, either. It could be there was nothing wrong… even though he knew that wasn't true. There was always something wrong, in his experience. Whether or not there was something wrong with him was generally the question. And sometimes he was sure the answer was yes. There had to be something wrong with him.

Not that giving into crippling fear was a problem, especially under such hopeless circumstances.

Finally, after some thought, he shrugged. "You want to talk about it?"

Lorne didn't object, just hummed a bit like he was thinking. It almost sounded like an agreement to Radek's untrained ears. Then he said, "You send a couple of guys, your friends, into a cave and toss a grenade in after them, you…" He gestured off to one side, helplessly. "You get off easy. In one piece. Not even a goddamn reprimand." He looked at Radek as if he thought he might have some wisdom to impart.

"I don't remember that being… exactly how that went," Radek offered, even though he knew that wasn't the point.

"Oh, you don't?"

A condescension almost worthy of Rodney. Almost. "I read the report."

"You read the report." Lorne laced his fingers together across his chest, an intense eye-contact making Radek wish they were talking about almost anything else. Wish he were almost anywhere else. "Did it say they were screaming?"

Radek shook his head. He wasn't sure, but he thought he would have remembered it.

"Yeah. I guess it doesn't matter." He looked down at his hands.

For not getting a reprimand, this sure sounded like one.

He looked up, shook his head. "I killed Walker and Stevens. I almost killed Reed. And you."

"No, you didn't."

"I did." He smiled ruefully. "I also helped save Sheppard. Twice. I've been on the front line of saving Atlantis. And Earth. I've followed my orders to the edge of death and come out alive. And most of the time I bring my team back with me. It's my job."

"Yes, that is, but… holding yourself responsible for all these things you don't do? That's not your job." Radek moved his own hands to rest on that low spot on his rib cage. He could feel the four stitches and the puckered skin. It wasn't so bad. Not worth all this, surely. "I can absolve you of this, at least, can't I?"

Lorne shrugged, stood. "You can try. No promises, though."

"I'm sorry I have to leave the team," Radek said as Lorne made a move to leave.

"I'm sorry you're leaving Atlantis," Lorne said. Was the implication that he wasn't sorry he was leaving the team? Lorne left it there, saying, "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though."

"Major…? Evan, I mean."

The major paused his steps out and turned around.

"That man… the guard?"

Radek watched his face change, a relatively untroubled expression replaced by something else. Something darker. Radek's worst fears were all but confirmed, but… he couldn't know for sure. He supposed he never would.

"Doc, you don't…"

"You lied, didn't you? I did… kill him."

Lorne shook his head. "I told you, he would've been fine. But I guess he died anyway." He paused, maybe realizing he'd accidentally confirmed what Radek already knew. "It doesn't matter." Major Lorne shrugged, and didn't leave.

"Everyone beats you at poker."

Major Lorne looked down for a few moments, didn't look back up again until he turned back to the door. "You're just going to have to trust me: you're not a killer."

Radek couldn't help but smile. He was a bad liar, but he could find a way around it if he had to. Maybe, in a bad situation, he would… if he had to… "Yes. I suppose that's true," Radek agreed.

"Mm-hmm." Lorne started to walk away.

"But neither are you, Evan," Radek said.

He didn't answer or turn around or give any other indication he'd heard. But Radek knew he had.

#

Rodney looked up from his computer, then around like he missed seeing something he should have. "Uh, should you be here? Weren't you shot?"

"Only once."

"Um, right…" Rodney mumbled. "Because frequency is a consideration. I'm calling Beckett."

"Wait, don't!" Radek winced at the pull on his ribs when he raised his voice maybe half a decibel. "I'm cleared to be out of the infirmary, but I'm supposed to be in my quarters."

Rodney slowly lowered his hand from the radio in his ear. "Why aren't you there?"

"I am so bored," Radek whispered, as if it was somehow shameful to be bored after two days locked up in his quarters with nothing to do.

Maybe it was. Most people got two days off. Every week. And they didn't have to be shot to get those days.

Radek apparently wasn't cut out for that. "I'm losing the will to live."

Rodney considered that, and Radek had hopes that he'd actually get what he wanted. Then Rodney asked, "So, not working is worse to you than a bullet."

"No… not precisely."

Rodney shrugged. "Okay, well, since you're here…" He tapped a few times on his tablet and then looked up. "I sent you some proposals for flow regulators. You can read through them and…"

"I could do that in my quarters, Rodney."

"Yeah, and I could call Beckett. Your point?"

Radek slowly sat in the nearest chair and pouted. The point was that he wasn't in his quarters. He almost didn't care what he did, except he had been reading for the past three days. He'd get over it.

"I don't want you ripping your stitches or something and bleeding everywhere," Rodney said.

"Your concern is appreciated." Radek didn't want to start bleeding everywhere, either, but he might have considered it a pleasant change of pace from the boredom of the past days. "But I don't think that will be a problem."

"Fine, fine." Rodney went back to whatever it was he was doing before Radek came in.

Radek tried to focus on the proposals, but it wasn't really interesting enough to keep his attention. Rodney started clacking on his keyboard, humming in indecision every now and again, and checking reference texts at his elbow. A huge binder of Ancient coding and the corresponding code for their interface. Radek couldn't imagine that Rodney would be doing something so tedious.

Maybe everyone was bored.

Anxious.

"Hey, Rodney?"

Rodney gave an overly-audible sigh. "God forbid you should work while you're here."

Radek didn't know why he even opened his mouth sometimes. "I thought you should be the first one to know… I will be going back to Earth. Soon, maybe in a few weeks, but—"

"Wait, wait, wait," Rodney snapped, rounding his desk to stand directly in front of him, with only Radek's monitor between them. "First I have to replace you because you've got Anna, but then I don't because you're bringing her here." Radek wanted to say something there, but Rodney just kept right on talking. "Then I have to replace you because you're dead, but then you're not, so I don't, and now I have to replace you again, because…?"

"Because I can't do this to her," Radek answered simply.

"Do what?"

Rodney really was an idiot, wasn't he? Radek knew that, but somehow it was a surprise every time he discovered it. "If I die, she's alone in the universe. I can't do that to her; she's sixteen years old. I am all she has."

"Not all."

Radek would have responded if he knew what in the world Rodney was talking about. "What?"

"Look…" Rodney looked down for a moment. Sighed. "You remember, a few months ago… you know, when I was still on Wraith enzyme and you and Lorne went to save Sheppard, Ronon, and Teyla?"

Radek nodded. That was a while ago, but it was an exciting time. He thought that even if he made it back to Atlantis alive, Rodney was going to kill him. But it turned out okay. Better than it had any reason to, actually.

There was silence as Rodney rapped his knuckles against the edge of his desk. "You… you told me to take care of her while you were gone."

Now that he said it, Radek did have a vague recollection of saying that to a distraught and angry Rodney that would have given anything to be on the next spaceship headed toward his team. It was more for Rodney than it was for him. It certainly wasn't for Anna, but…

"I want you to know, I take that seriously." Clearing his throat, Rodney went to clacking away on his keyboard again. "She has family, okay? She has a lot. I'm not saying it wouldn't be, you know, terrible for her if you died. Because it would. But you aren't all she has."

Was Rodney saying what Radek thought he was? Anna would have Doctor Rodney McKay?

"Maybe I didn't say it in so many words, and I know I'm not exactly the poster child for this kind of sentiment, but…" He looked at Radek, kind of squinting as if figuring out what it was he was trying to say. Trying to figure out what sentiment even was, since he wasn't the poster child for any kind of sentiment that Radek knew of…

But perhaps he'd misjudged him. "But you asked me to take care of her and I would. I'd take care of her. That's all." Rodney turned back to his computer and didn't say anything else.

Radek stared at the floor for a few seconds, ashamed for his assumption of a completely heartless Rodney. Not an unjustified assumption, of course. Completely justified. And it would be justified again tomorrow, because people never changed. And, right now, he'd never been so glad to think that Rodney would never change.

"Thank you." He didn't know what else to say. Didn't know if he could say anything else.

Rodney kept his eyes low and shrugged. Nodded a little. "It's nothing."

"She's my daughter. It's not nothing."

Rodney looked back toward his computer and they were quiet for what felt like ages. "I know you want what's best for Anna, okay?"

Rodney waited long enough for Radek to nod and think that, maybe, Rodney understood why that meant they had to go back to Earth.

No such luck.

"Then you know you have to stay here. Because that's best for her."

Radek chuckled and shook his head. "You're crazy." It was insane, plain and simple. To think that Atlantis was the best place for Anna…? It made no sense, but at the same time it did make a lot of sense.

"It's not safest. But it's best."

That was crazy, too.

"And don't tell me you don't want to be here, because you're a terrible liar."

"I've been known to win hands of poker," Radek objected. He was at least twice as good as Lorne. Even if that wasn't saying a lot.

Rodney sniffed in disdain, but didn't offer any further objection.

Radek grinned. "You were the last person on Atlantis to know that Elizabeth and I were together. And you saw me every day. So I can't be that bad at it."

Rodney shuddered, apparently involuntarily. "Uh yeah, that was selective attention. Let's never talk about it again."

Radek leaned back in his chair and tried to imagine a world where Rodney wasn't exactly the person he advertised. He was still a rude, obnoxious, insufferable child. But no one could be like that all the time, could they? Maybe Rodney wasn't like that at all. Maybe he was just an excellent liar.

A/N: You know, I love Lorne, and I'm glad they brought him in as a regular. But Lorne's timeline is really… weird. Like, how do you go from the guy that vomits seeing a dead body (I don't know, it was probably a mess, but he was apparently the only one with that reaction…) to Atlantis' XO two years later. Even though it might not be a right interpretation, I think it's a not-unreasonable one that he wasn't quite ready for this. We don't know a lot about his past (not like we know about Sheppard's), so maybe. I'm actually not sure what I did here, so I think I'll just ignore it and move on.

Thank Yous

GhostMizoriMidnight - What is he doing, indeed. That is so true also about our priorities shifting when we become adults. And the things we thought were important as kids take on a new light, the things we thought were dumb or meaningless look quite different.

Next time: Anything could happen.