Chapter 10

AN: So, this chapter took an alarming and somewhat dark turn, but the characters said it needed to be this way and I couldn't argue with them. Please be advised there are some mental health themes in this chapter that touches on suicide and depression as well as survivors guilt and distorted thinking.

May, Third Age, 2968 The Woodland Realm

"Are you sure you want it cut that short?"

"Yes, Sidhel."

"Just, it looks-"

"I ASKED JOEL, THIS IS THE MEASUREMENT HE WROTE, I CHECKED IT TWICE, THIS IS RIGHT."

"You don't have to be so irritable."

"ME!? IRRITABLE?! SAYS MR. I HAVE BEEN CRANKY ALL WEEK AND KEEP PRETENDING IT'S NOT ME!"

Merenith stood back, watching the exchange between her cousin and the ellon with what could only be described as bewildered glee.

"I was just trying to be helpful." Sidhel snapped, throwing the wood from his arms down. It clattered loudly on the bare platform of the abandoned tree home Emily and Merenith were reconstructing for their own.

"No, you were just trying to micromanage, AGAIN." Emily shot back, brandishing her hammer at him. "Just because you can't control what's going on in your own life right now doesn't mean you get to come up here under the pretense of helping and tell us how we should be doing this as if we never even researched, planned, or thoughtfully asked very smart people for advice."

"For VALAR sake, I was asking a question, Emily."

Merenith rolled her eyes, sighing as she looked up at the cool grey sky peeking through the budding leaves.

Usually, Sidhel was pleasant, soft-spoken, reasonable, and easy to get along with. Then every so often he would put his head up his arse and Merenith just wanted to smack him.

This time it has started with him overusing his healing abilities on his last patrol. The whole situation was terribly serious. It could have nearly killed him and, according to Tirnel, had it not been for Faervel being on the patrol Sidhel might well have died.

This was the second time he'd done something so drastic and Medlinor was furious, so was Thranduil. Did the elf he was trying to save survive? Yes. But that wasn't the point and everyone knew it, no matter how much Sidhel tried to justify himself.

The elf already had an unfortunate record of walking a precarious line between safety and dangerously overexerting himself, so it was no surprise when Medlinor suspended him from all further studies of healing. As far as Merenith knew, there was currently no set date when he could resume anything healing-related. On top of that, Thranduil had suspended him from patrols until further notice as well, confining the young ellon to training exercises, drills, review of protocols, and anything else his commanding officers decided was needed.

Licking his wounds and stubbornly insisting he wasn't sorry for what he did, Sidhel spiraled into a sullen, quiet, and irritable creature. He tried to mask it with the appearance of nonchalance, rational and calm, but anyone who knew him well could see he was at war with himself.

Naively, Emily had accepted his offer to help them today with working on their house, and it hadn't taken long for both girls to see he was in a mood.

"It was the millionth question that second-guessed me in the past hour!" Emily growled, leaning forwards, crossing her arms as she held her own against the taller ellon and didn't appear to need Merenith at all to back her up. Truly, the elleth observing felt a thrill of admiration for her cousin's level head. Merenith knew she would have just gone off the deep end and not been able to express any kind of rational argument like Emily was.

Sidhel's jaw clenched tightly as he balled up his fists and spun on his heel.

"I don't need this. You girls seem to be doing just fine without me. Enjoy the day." He said through grit teeth, ignoring the ladder and swinging down through the tree limbs at a rapid pace.

Watching him disappear through the trees, Merenith let out a breath. "Wheew. I thought he would never leave. You were amazing! I hate it when he gets like that...he can be so...Emily? Are you ok?"

Turning back, Merenith saw that Emily was still staring, frozen in place, and hardly breathing. "Em?"

Crossing the platform and taking her cousin by the hands, Merenith tilted her head so she was at eye level. Emily drew a shuddery breath and finally looked at her instead of the ground below.

"He moved so fast and was so mad, I thought he was going to fall." Emily blurted out. "Or that I was going to...which sounds silly now that I say it...and...and...that was so...awful…I don't even know what to feel right now, I feel so dead inside, Mer."

"Hey! It's ok!" Merenith tugged her towards the half-built interior of their home, away from the balcony edge. "Em, seriously, he was being an ass and you have nothing to feel bad about and YES, I know you feel bad because I know you and that's just what you do. Don't feel bad. You were AMAZING in how you dealt with him. You didn't let him get away with it, you let him see your frustration and anger and you let him know that how he was acting wasn't ok. That's perfect and just what he needed."

"Are...are you sure?" Emily sniffed, wiping at her eyes. "What if...what if we aren't friends anymore? Do you think he will stay mad?"

Merenith barked a laugh. "No. He won't stay mad. I bet you that he comes before the end of the day and apologizes. End of the week at the latest."

"He was being an idiot…" Emily sighed, reassuring herself as she kicked at a bag of tools on the floor.

Merenith quirked a smile. "I thought you were going to throw that hammer at him for a second there."

"What, just now?!"

"NO, when he asked him you needed help with it and tried to suggest you adjust your grip."

Emily groaned and put her hands over her face. "Oh my gosh...you're right...what the heck is his problem? He's never like that...like, not that bad...he has a habit of wanting to help maybe too much sometimes, but he usually backs off right away when he realizes."

"I don't know." Merenith shrugged as she twirled around a thick tree limb growing up the floor, into the house, and through the ceiling above. "His whole situation right now is probably making him more edgy and weird. He'll get over it. I think…though last time Medlinor wasn't this mad...and he didn't come as close to the line of death last time..."

"You would have thought he learned the last time, from what you told me about it." Emily mused softly, frowning over her shoulder in the direction Sidhel had stormed off in. "Do you think he is ok? I mean, why does he risk himself like that? It makes me so...mad..."

"It's called caring about someone," Merenith said, grinning innocently when Emily glared at her. "All good friends care about each other."

"I just don't understand why he would put himself in danger like that," Emily told her. "I wonder if this is how Faervel feels about me sometimes."

"Not a question I have answers to." Merenith climbed the great limb now, swinging through the branches that webbed out through their main sitting around and kitchen. "I like the design Joel came up with for the ceiling, and I think the layout for our rooms in a loft here is going to be great!"

Effectively distracted right along with her cousin, Emily smiled up at the house that would soon be called their own. Spanning in a pentagon shape through the strong, sturdy limbs of an ancient tree, the home consisted of a cozy kitchen, sitting area, small washroom that Joel was having a grand time getting creative with (it was the most fun he had been allowed to have in months), and finally two lofts 'bedrooms' that sat above.

"I am glad we are putting the windows in soon," Emily commented. "And we should have the balcony finished by this weekend."

"When did Joel say he would do the design for the pulley system so we can drag Reisa up here?"

"He said he wanted the measurements and calculations perfect, so it might be another week." Emily smiled. "If I asked Daerada very nicely he might give Joel more time off to work on it."

"I approve of that plan! The sooner we finish this build, the sooner we can move in!"

Laughing at the idea, Emily gazed about their space and imagined it all finished. She could see it all now; their beds up in the loft, the spiral staircase so Reisa could come up to bed too, the kitchen, sink, and icebox, a sunny eating spot right under the window, a warm sitting area with a desk and shelves for books...it was going to be wonderful.

The thoughts were clouded when her eyes landed on the abandoned wood panels outside. Heart twisting heavily, Emily took up her bundle of materials and went back to work on the railing for the balcony.

She hated being at odds with people she cared about.

Merenith wasn't wrong when she said Sidhel would apologize, however it took a few days. They saw nothing of him for the remainder of the week and with each day that passed, Emily found herself growing more hopeless and worried that they had damaged their friendship.

By Sunday she was miserable and cranky about the whole thing which is why she was now standing at the foot of the tree holding The Dull One's house, staring up and working up the courage to climb up and knock on the door.

"If he isn't going to take the first step, then he can just be like that," Emily muttered to herself by way of a pep-talk. "But, that doesn't mean you can't apologize for yelling at him."

"You really don't need to be apologizing."

The bland voice behind her caused Emily to spin around with her fists up and a half-stifled yelp. It was Sidhel, of course. He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes and hair falling carelessly out of its ponytail and his aura, from what little of it Emily could sense, seemed to hold a dark storm within it.

They stood awkwardly for a few minutes avoiding eye contact and shifting from foot to foot.

"Hi," Emily said finally.

"Hi." He replied quietly.

"Um…" Emily hesitated, all anger and frustration towards her friend melting away the longer she looked at him. It was replaced with intense concern. "Look...I acted badly the other day and-"

"Emily-"

"I just wanted to say I was sorry. You're obviously going through some stuff right now and I am sure I didn't help things."

"Actually you did."

"I did?"

Sidhel nodded mutely and started to move past her towards his home. It was empty save him this month, what with the rest of the boys off on patrol without him.

"Want to come up? I don't have much, but I can offer you some tea."

"Tea is good." Emily agreed hurriedly, coming to walk next to him, unsure how this was going to go.

They climbed the combination of stairs and tree limbs up into the home. The house felt stale and too quiet despite how meticulously clean Sidhel had been keeping it. Emily felt like it was almost too clean, as though Sidhel had been obsessively scrubbing every nook and cranny to keep himself occupied.

"I'm sorry for the other day," Sidhel said, breaking the long silence as he poured the water he heated into a teapot for them. "You were right. I was micromanaging and being inconsiderate."

"It's ok." Emily offered, accepting the empty mug he passed her and holding it in both palms as she waited for the tea to steep.

"No, it wasn't," Sidhel countered.

"Ok, fine, but it is now."

The ellon hummed, staring into his empty cup and leaning on the counter between them.

"Sidhel…" Emily began with caution, not entirely certain what it was she wanted to say. Something about his mood, posture, and the air around him was too familiar. A darkness she had witnessed before, and it worried her. "What's... going on with you?"

Shooting her a look, Sidhel's posture grew tense. "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I asked. What's going on with you? I know the story you are holding to, that you saved your patrol-mate and that it was necessary, but…" Emily swallowed, wondering if she was overstepping too much. "I also know you are careful and care enough about your friends and your people that you wouldn't normally put yourself in harms way like that...not unless something else was going on...so I have to ask...and please don't be mad...but are-"

"I don't know." Sidhel spat the words out as though they left a bad taste in his mouth. Reaching for the pot by his elbow, he poured their tea. "I know what you are asking and the answer is I don't know. I don't know why I was so careless. People ask me over and over why I put myself in harm's way that day and I just don't have an answer. I just saw someone in need and knew I could save them. That was all that mattered."

"You always put yourself last though...to the point of it not always being good for you." Hesitating, Emily considered her next words carefully. "And, that wasn't my question. I was going to ask if-if you sometimes think you don't deserve to live, that death might be better...or that you may be...are less valuable than the person you are trying to save or those around you?"

Sidhel went terribly still and Emily began to jiggle her knee under the counter.

"Are you asking me if I am suicidal?"

"I- I don't know...I guess so." Emily said lamely. "Sorry...I just...in my world a lot of people I know have been in really dark places and...well, I just saw something familiar in you the past little while, that's all. You know my friend, Rory? The one that always comes up whenever I talk about home? Yeah, well she went through a really rough patch, and...she nearly ended it once. It was the scariest moment of my life when she told me she thought the world was better off without her. I didn't know what to do. We were just kids, so I stayed with her, we went for a walk together and I listened. I told her how much I would miss her and all the things I loved about her. We eventually got her help. It took a long time after, but she got better...I just swore I would never leave that question unasked if I ever worried about someone like that again."

There was another long, awkward silence. When Emily finally stole a look at Sidhel she found him frowning into his tea.

"I don't think so. I don't wish to die." He said softly, lifting his eyes to meet hers. "But..you posed a different angle that speaks a truth I have long run from, though have always known deep down."

A sigh of relief passed soundlessly from Emily's lips. She masked it by lifting her cup to her lips and blowing on the hot tea.

"My younger sister died saving me." The statement struck the space between them like a stone, heavy and cold. "She stepped in the way of a spear during the battle in Dale. We weren't prepared for the fight, novice healers were only meant to be providing relief to the humans. I- I couldn't save her. I followed the training, I didn't go too far...and she died. Then my brothers and father died in the battle as well. I lost everyone and was powerless to save them."

"Oh, Sidhel…I'm so sorry..."

"It should have been me that day, or I should have been able to save her...if I had gone further into the healing trance or tried harder…maybe I was a coward for not going past the warning point when I felt it that day." Sidhel set his mug down angrily and rubbed his hand down his face before leaning back against the sink and crossing his arms. "So, now I push past the warning points when I am healing dangerous wounds. Every Time I don't push the limits I feel such immense guilt and the weight of her death crushes me all over again."

"Have you told anyone that? Medlinor or anyone else?"

Sidhel gave a harsh laugh. "No. Some know she died saving me, but I couldn't tell anyone about it. I needed to redeem myself and become the best healer she believed I could be. Telling Medlinor of my failure risked that."

"Why did you tell me?"

"I'm not sure...maybe because you are the first to ask if I was trying to kill myself and you deserved a proper explanation."

"Sidhel...I really think you need to tell Medlinor."

"Why." An icy edge crept into his voice.

"Because you don't have anything to lose at this point. You're on suspension from healing as it is, telling him the truth can't hurt...can it?" Emily shrugged as she slouched over her cup. "Besides, maybe he would understand better than you think he will. Maybe he can help you sort stuff out…"

"Who says I need to sort stuff out." The hard edge remained, sprinkled with tired resignation.

Emily raised her eyebrows and stared at him pointedly. "Sidhel, you are a smart, compassionate, and calming person to be around, but you have some really self-destructive tendencies and really need to get your 'god' complex under control. I think talking to someone would help with that."

Another laugh broke through his teeth, though this one was less harsh than the last. "Not pulling any punches today, are you. You know you have equally self-destructive tendencies, right?"

"Well, it's not a competition, and I'm working on mine." Emily huffed bluntly, casting another quick glance to see what sort of expression her friend had. Meeting her gaze, he still looked tired, but the small smile that tipped at the side of his mouth was genuine so she added, "Please...I know you will do what you want regardless, but please consider talking to someone about this...ok? And I don't count as talking to someone. I'm not...I don't have enough life experience to really help you..."

Mouth and jaw moving into a firm line, Sidhel nodded curtly. "I'll consider it."

"Thank you," Emily murmured, sensing she was drawing close to the end of his patience. "I should really go...sorry for making things worse, instead of better…"

"You didn't make them worse...and we are still friends."

"Ok, good." Emily rose from the tall stool she'd been sitting on and motioned to the door. "I'll just...go. Bye."

Sidhel stayed rooted to the spot on the floor, still leaning against the sink long after Emily left. The more he turned things over in his mind, the more he frowned at the wall.

As much as he hated to admit it, Emily was probably right.

He needed to tell Medlinor.

AN: So yeah...that happened. Let me know what you think. It was a heavy topic however I think Sidhel really needed it. I don't think he will be fixed overnight, but maybe he can start learning and working towards a better version of himself that doesn't put himself in harms way out of guilt or a god complex.

So sorry for the long delay in updating. I am actually in my first semester of college (back to school, wtf was I thinking? Lol) for Massage Therapy. Woohoo! Anatomy and Physiology are going to kill me. Also, sorry for any editing mistakes. I did this late tonight. Take care!