Disclaimer- All characters belong to Richelle Mead.
The drive to Dimitri's house was a literal blur. Hot, angry tears kept threatening to spill but I refused to let myself cry over what I saw back at my house. I had been hurt multiple times today but what I just witnessed felt like a slap in the face. I didn't understand why it bothered me so much, but it did.
It was well past midnight when I finally pulled into Dimitri's driveway. A light turned on in the living room as soon as I shut my car off and I felt a pang of guilt for involving Dimitri into my mess.
I tugged the tiny, black dress further down my legs as I walked to Dimitri's front door though it continued to rise up and rest just below my butt cheeks. I had discarded the bunny ears long ago, but there wasn't much else I could change about my costume.
He opened the door before I even knocked, wearing a black t-shirt and pajama pants.
I saw his eyes widen slightly as he took me in.
"I was a bunny, the ears are in my car."
He nodded and let me through. I didn't think it was possible to feel more awkward than I had when I showed up last week for our first painting session, but I was horribly wrong. I felt like I had to explain myself to him.
"I didn't know where else I could go," I said pathetically, though it was true. I really didn't have anyone else. Lissa was probably still at the party, my mom was still gone, and my dad…
I shook the image that popped into my head, the one still very fresh in mind. The waitress from this morning moving and moaning on top of him, his hands- all that I could see of him- buried in her dark black hair.
I thought the worst thing that could happen to a child was walking in on their parents fucking. No, the worst thing was walking in on them fucking some stranger that most definitely wasn't your parent.
"I didn't know where else I could go," I repeated, looking up at Dimitri from my spot at the front door. "Is it okay if stay here the night?"
"Of course it is Roza, you're always welcome here. Come on, you're probably freezing. Come sit," he ushered me into the kitchen.
"Here, take a seat. I'll be right back, okay." I sat at the kitchen island, in the same chair I had just a week ago. Dimitri turned to the stove, put a pot on and lowered the temperature on whatever he was making, and left to go to his bedroom.
His house was still pretty bare and a chill ran through my body. I had to blame most of it on the fact that I was practically half naked. My coat was thin and short, doing absolutely nothing to cover my legs. I rubbed my hands over my thighs, pathetically trying to warm them up as Dimitri came back into the kitchen.
"Please tell me if I'm reaching, but I put some clothes out for you on my bed that you can change into if you'd like. Unless you want to keep that on, which is fine with me, but its cold and you'll probably be more comfortable in something else."
I felt my mouth drop open, surprised and touched that he could sense my discomfort without having to state it out loud.
"I'd actually really like that."
"I don't have any girl clothes, but I left out a pair of sweat pants and shirt that I outgrew."
As Dimitri occupied himself with whatever was on the stove, I went to his room to change. I was aware that it was my first time being in his room and it just seemed so…him. I must've caught him in bed when I called, because his sheets were crumpled with an old paperback lying next to the pillow. His walls were grey and bare, aside from one black and white poster of what I could only assume was a western film.
He had a bathroom in his room, and I took my clothes there. Seeing my reflection in his lit bathroom was shocking. My hair had become wavy from the mixture of humidity it faced at the party and the wind outside. The heavy eyeliner I put on hours ago was smudged and I turned on the faucet to wash my face of any trace of it.
I should have known Dimitri's clothes would have been loose on me but I was practically drowning in them. I had to roll the bottoms of his sweats multiple times just so I wouldn't trip over them. The sweatshirt he left me had some writing on it of a different language that I could only assume was Russian. Still, his clothes were comfy and smelled exactly like him and I felt a warmth spread throughout my chest, immensely touched that he was taking care of me so well.
Before I left Dimitri's bathroom, I took multiple shaky breaths. You will not cry. You will not cry. I splashed some more cold water on myself, getting my emotions into check before walking out.
"Don't laugh," I said once I noticed his amused expression of me in his loose clothes.
"No, no you look cute," he said, immediately biting his lower lip and turning away from me. I felt a blush creep up my neck. I had been dressed like a total bombshell tonight, but Dimitri calling me 'cute' was the sweetest compliment I had received so far.
"Are those clothes okay though?" he asked and I nodded, trying to smile though I felt completely exhausted to even fake that tiny movement.
I took my place at the same seat, watching Dimitri work quietly in front of me. He took out two mugs with a couple of packets next to them. He turned the stove off and let whatever was in the pot cool down. He opened up two packets at a time, dumping them into each mug. Then he poured what I now noticed was milk into each cup.
"What are you doing?"
"Making you some hot chocolate." He began to stir the mixture in both of the mugs while I stared at his back. It was so considerate. Everything about Dimitri and what he was doing for me so incredibly kind. I had never received such treatment from anyone before, let alone a man who was my teacher. I had this sudden urge to leap out of my chair and hug him, but instead I quietly thanked him as he placed a steaming mug in front of me.
Dimitri sat down next to me, nursing his own cup in his hands.
"I didn't know what else to make. It's so late so I wasn't sure if you were hungry or not."
I hadn't had dinner, but I didn't share that with him. This hot chocolate was more than enough for me at the moment.
In our tutoring sessions and any moment we found with each other in between, I usually talked Dimitri's ear off. And I should have been giddy from the fact that I was with him in the middle of the night, at his house, wearing his clothes.
But I felt a heavy weight tugging at my chest, finally rethinking everything that had happened today.
The lump I felt in my throat as I drove over here was back and I focused all of my attention on my hot chocolate.
You will not cry in front of Dimitri, Rose. Pull yourself together.
I cleared my throat and picked up my mug with shaking hands, hoping drinking would distract me from my thoughts.
"Rose," Dimitri called my name softly, but I refused to look at him. I took a sip, and it was perfectly warm and sweet, just like the man who made it for me.
"Why did you make this?"
"Huh?"
"Why did you make this for me?"
"Oh um, my mom always made it for my sisters and I when we were upset. When I heard your voice on the phone…" Dimitri trailed off and it finally made me look at him. "I thought maybe this would help you like it used to help me."
I didn't know what I was expecting him to say, but it was not that. One second, I was drinking and the next, tears I had no way of stopping began falling down my cheeks.
"Roza," I heard Dimitri's concerned voice.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He took the mug out of my hands and I quickly covered my face with my hands, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes to stop crying.
"Oh Roza, oh please don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry," I felt Dimitri's hands on my head, gently stroking my hair and it just made me sob harder. "Oh please Roza, its okay. Don't cry," he practically cooed over and over again until my sobs were reduced to quiet whimpers. I rubbed my face on the cuffs of his sweatshirt, too embarrassed to face him, but Dimitri had other ideas.
He took my hands into his own, gently squeezing them. I felt his thumbs caressing my wrists and he was looking at me with a look of complete concern.
"Please tell me what's wrong. Did something happen tonight? Did someone hurt you?" His voice rose in alarm at the last question and I quickly shook my head.
God, I felt like such a fucking idiot crying in front of Dimitri of all people. I had been trying so hard to have him think of me as a mature woman, equal to him but I blew it in seconds.
He was waiting for me to answer and tell him what was wrong. I thought of the way he treated me so far tonight since I called him almost an hour ago. Welcoming me into his home in the middle of the night, letting me wear his clothes so I would be more comfortable, and then making me this hot chocolate after sensing I was upset. Everything he did made my attraction for him grow and I knew in that moment that I wanted to be completely honest with him.
"I miss my mom," I whispered sadly.
I hadn't said those words to anyone; not Dierdre, Lissa, or my dad. Hell, I hadn't even admitted this to myself until now.
"Oh is she-?"
I quickly shook my head. "No, no she's alive." I wanted to swipe the tears from my eyes but Dimitri still had a firm hold on my hands. "She left my dad and I a few months ago. She said she was unhappy with her life and needed some time apart. I thought it was only going to be for a few days, but it's been so long now and I don't think she'll ever come back."
It was like a dam had finally broken, all of my unspoken thoughts and feelings that I had been suppressing for months and months were spilling out of me and I had no way of stopping it.
"I tried really hard to ignore the fact that she was gone and all it did was make me angry. I got into some pretty nasty fights last year, but it really fucked with my dad. He became so quiet and upset, first losing his wife and then noticing that he was beginning to lose me, too. I told myself I didn't need her and I would do everything I could to keep my dad happy. But it's so hard Dimitri, because she's still my mom after all."
"She was really happy with my dad, but her and I always argued. I feel like she left because of me, like she doesn't love me anymore." As I said those last words, my sobs started back up. Dimitri quickly dropped my hands and pulled me into his arms. I felt him cradling my head to his chest, combing his hand gently through my hair as I wept. "Oh Roza."
"I thought I wouldn't miss her, but I do, especially today. It was her birthday and my dad and I got into this stupid fight. And when I went home, I saw him with some other woman. So I left and came here. I just wish she would come home, but I don't think she ever will."
I was all out of words and tears, but Dimitri didn't let me go. If anything, he wrapped his arms even tighter around me, finally giving me the comfort I hadn't known I was craving since my mom had left.
XXXXX
After several minutes, I had finally pulled myself away from Dimitri to wash my face. My skin felt hot from embarrassment for becoming so emotional in front of a man I was so attracted to, but I didn't regret it. My chest felt oddly lighter, as if a deep pressure had been lifted off of it the moment I had shared my true feelings about my mom.
I came back into the kitchen to find Dimitri exactly where I left him.
"Feeling better?" he asked looking at me with the same expression of concern as earlier.
"Much," I sat down across from him again, picking up my hot chocolate. I didn't care if it was ice cold, Dimitri made it for me and I would drink every last drop. "Thank you."
"It was nothing," he waved me off, thinking I was talking about the drink.
"For everything," I clarified. I took a big gulp of my drink.
"I know you probably don't want to hear this and it might not even be true for you, but sometimes a parent leaving can be a blessing in disguise."
"I hope it is Dimitri, but right now I can't think of any other thing aside from wanting her back." I waved my hand around myself. "Well now you know my story- the reason I go to therapy, why I started your art class- it was all because of this. You probably think my family is so fucked up," I laughed nervously. I hadn't meant to reveal everything, but it was too late for regrets now.
He shook his head in complete seriousness. "Absolutely not Rose. And anyways, we all come from messed up families."
I pointed at his mug, "Not all of us."
He placed his cup down and nodded towards me. "All of us Roza."
His tone had become harder and I stared at him in surprise. He seemed to be reliving some painful memories; his eyes had darkened and he kept pushing the fallen strands of his hair out of his face.
"My father was a very abusive man. I have three sisters and once my second sister Sonya was born, my father picked up a nasty habit of drinking and gambling. He was constantly intoxicated, but the high he felt never lasted and my mother would face the backlash of it. By the time I was born, her beatings had become a regular part of my childhood. My mother tried her best to shield us from it, always keeping quiet during and after the abuse, but we had eyes Rose. We knew was happening to her."
He closed his eyes as he spoke that last sentence, and I immediately reached out for his hands the same way he had done for me. He looked up, surprised at the gesture.
"It's okay," I whispered. I didn't want him to hide what he was feeling. I wanted Dimitri to feel as comfortable as I had felt opening up to him. Dimitri gave me a small, sad smile, showing me he appreciated the gesture and continued with his story.
"One night when I was thirteen, the fighting got really bad. He had used up all of his money on gambling and liquor, and took all of his anger out on my mother. My sisters and I were all hiding out in my oldest sister, Karo's room waiting for the fighting to end. And then I heard my mom begin to scream. Rose, I had been seeing the abuse with my own eyes for as long as I could remember, but that had been the first time I heard my mom scream out from the pain he was putting her through. Something inside of me just snapped. I ran downstairs to see him hunched over my mother, and I completely blacked out from anger. Even at that age, I was taller than him, and stronger too. I beat him and kicked him till he was a bloody mess. Then I threw him out the front door. I told him he ever showed his face again, I wouldn't spare his life a second time. That was the last time I saw him."
I was literally speechless. I never could have guessed that Dimitri would have had such a rough childhood.
"I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Your mom is very lucky to have a son like you."
He scoffed and shook his head. "I beat my father. I hardly consider that something that she'd be proud of."
"Are you serious? You protected her, you saved her." I squeezed his hands tightly, bringing his attention to me. I wanted him to see that I meant what I said.
"Thanks Roza."
He seemed a bit embarrassed with him self for revealing such a big thing to me. Now he knew how I felt minutes earlier.
"Is that why you got into art?"
I was surprised when Dimitri chuckled and shook his head. "I actually dealt with all of that the same way you did, by getting into fights."
"No fucking way!" I exclaimed. I quickly picked his hands and brushed his knuckles. "That's why your hands felt so rough to me!"
Dimitri was smiling widely, as if he were impressed with me and nodded. "Yeah you were spot on with that observation, actually. For some reason, I thought that once my dad was gone, I would instantly feel better, but that didn't happen." Dimitri and I quickly sobered up as he continued on. "Every day I got more and more angry, but mostly at myself. I couldn't believe I let him get away with hurting my mother for as long as I had. I was so ashamed of myself Rose. I quickly developed a short fuse. Any time I felt the slightest bit provoked, I would start a fight. Eventually my mom had had enough and sent me to a boarding school far from home. She picked all of my classes for me, and I had noticed she put me in a lot of art and literature classes. I guess she figured I was active enough so I needed to put my energy elsewhere. I immediately developed a liking for it, and it changed my life. I owe it all to my mother." Dimitri looked suddenly younger to me, and I could only imagine what he must have been like just a few years ago, trying to make his mother happy despite all she had been through.
Just like I had been doing with my own dad.
"That's really cute, you know. The fact that your mom is the reason you're so into art, it's sweet."
Dimitri opened his mouth then shut it, repeating the movement several times. He seemed hesitant all of the sudden.
"What is it?"
"It's nothing really," he picked up his mug and began finishing his drink.
"Dimitri, you can tell me anything," I told him honestly, because he could. We had both revealed a lot to each other tonight, something I think neither of us was expecting. And I could say without a shadow of doubt, that we both needed it.
He must have seen the truth in my words. He finished his drink in one giant gulp and stood up. "Come with me. I want to show you something."