So I'm back with more feels, Alice remembers her childhood and Isla starts to understand her sisters amnesia a little better. The girls try to reach out to England and France begins to reach her limit
FEELS
Rain poured heavily, the trickling sounds of water dripping from nearby leaves, heavy droplets echoing like bullets on the earth, the treetops acted as a large umbrella protecting her from the brunt of the storm. The sky cried heavy tears upon the forest floor, the ground soaked and slippery from the intense rainfall, the scent of damp earth filled her senses, yet made her feel safe. It was wet, it was cold but she knew it couldn't hurt her, at worst she would get a fever or something, but she always got through it. Unless there was lightening or thunder it never scared her. Alice curled up tightly in a ball within the cavern of a tree, wrapping her ragged green cloak around herself for protection, shivering and staring silently upon her domain. Her magical friends nearby whispered comforting words in her ear to make her feel better, they never left her alone. They were always watching over her to make sure she never felt sad. Her blonde hair messily bound into pigtails, her small hands and feet were pink from the cold. How she wished for a fire, something warm, anywhere safe to feel at home.
Alice sat on the garden bench watching her flowers as the rain pattered upon them, haunting and hypnotic, something so simple had triggered something in her mind. A newfound story that she had locked away was allowing itself to be revealed once more. She had a vague memory from her childhood, wavering a storm while wrapping herself in a thin cloak for protection. Growing up she was never able to afford wealth, not until she had rulers, kings and queens when she lived in the court. Her country prospering and allowing her to gain fine dresses. As her country grew and her people developed, so did she. How she wished she could have been in a castle or cave, creating a fire for warmth, maybe in a barn among some soft hay. But instead, she simply hid in an old tree for protection, water dripping on her occasionally.
"What are you thinking about mon cher?" a familiar voice asked gently, her mind was far away again, trying to remember something. Like a mirror of her past self, so out of reach it scared her. Wishing that Alice would look at her as though she knew her, rather than a stranger. How much longer would she be trapped like this? It was torture.
Alice blinked, averting her gaze to find Marie approaching, wrapped in a shawl, her hair flowing softly to her shoulders, framing her face. She was married to this woman, it felt too good to be true. But she could see the pain in her eyes, the sadness, pleading for crumbs, anything that could ease her conscience. Marie knew everything about her, yet she knew nothing of herself, which grew increasingly frustrating. Wondering if she would ever get better. "I…. I had a memory, from a long time ago…." she muttered.
Marie perked up, her eyes bright with hope "Oui? What did you remember?" she pressed, it was rare something was unearthed from deep within Alice's psyche, she was merely existing from moment to moment in a daze. Memories she did recall were often present and not from the past, as if she was trying to become someone else. While Marie lived in their past, ghosts of the memories they knew were haunting her everyday. She was living with a stranger yet she was the love of her life, someone who had no idea who she was, yet she knew everything about. The love they had was falling apart. Any piece, any fragment, any shard that stood as a sign of hope that Alice was recovering meant the world to her.
Alice shifted, her memories came back to her in pieces and yet they were still scrambled, she wanted them to make sense, but they couldn't. Maybe if she wrote them down they may help her. Surely she wrote diaries of some kind, anything that would help her make sense. "I…..The woods, I was in the woods, it was raining, I was cold…. Watching the storm from within a tree" she muttered. Had they perhaps lived in a woodland cottage growing up? Had her country forced her to live in the countryside? She knew Scotland had always had vast countrysides, maybe she at one point had lived nomadically. But she knew it had been raining hard and she had cried, so perhaps she was homeless? There were so many questions and so many answers, but which ones were true and which were false?
Marie's eyes widened, she had unearthed a memory from her childhood? So soon? This was good, something with her wife was fighting to be free. She knew many nations had known rough childhoods, whether it be due to politics or other harsh reasons. No nation was perfect, everyone had their demons, England included. But they made the best of things, she approached Alice, kneeling beside her with gentle eyes, tenderly taking one of her hands in her own. "Oui, I used to visit you Angleterrere, when you were very small. I would come to play with you, though I would complain about the rain. Sometimes we would go hunting for frogs" she hummed. Due to the nature of how her country dressed at that time period, long skirts, flowy dresses, she would become covered in mud. Her boss would complain about her behaving unladylike which would make Marie upset at the fact it wasn't her fault. But breaking the rules to spend time with England had always been worth it in the end. For both of their loneliness to be healed.
Alice gazed at her in surprise "We… we would?" she questioned, she never thought she had friends dressing up. All she could remember was loneliness, despair, isolation and mockery. Feeling weak, feeling small, feeling helpless, desperate to grow and change. To prove herself, to prove she was strong, to build her nation. But she never thought she had been happy before becoming whoever she used to be. She could see it in Marie's eyes that she was telling nothing but the truth.
Marie nodded, reflecting on their childhood was bittersweet but it helped her lover. Reminiscing about the past was something Alice had always loved to do, though it annoyed her previously. How ironic that it was now the key to unlocking her wife's memories, walking through time to years long forgot "I would complain bitterly that the rain was no good for my hair, but I would appease you anyway to make you smile" she chuckled. She gazed out at the misty garden with a sense of melancholy, Alice was recovering, albeit slowly, though the improvement was occurring, she still felt frustration at how Alice remained broken despite uncovering memories. How badly she wished she knew a spell that would return things back to the way they were, as if this had never happened. She wanted her wife back, she wanted her moody, stubborn wife who loved to tease her and yet had a heart of gold within. She stroked Alice's hand gently "Your hands are cold Mon Amour, I'll go make some tea" she sighed, she didn't need Alice's health to decline at a time like this.
Marie absentmindedly stirred tea in a cup, her gaze never once averting from Alice, wondering what else was drifting through her mind, her own anxieties feeding into one another of a worst case scenario. Of what could have been and what would become of their lives, dreams becoming warped nightmares. Alice withdrew into herself more and more as the days passed, wondering if the woman she had married would ever resurface, or if she would remain trapped in this shell of herself forever. She wanted to pray to whatever god or deity may offer some blessings or help at a time like this, anything that may help them. She hated watching the light within Alice die, knowing she was still in there but refused to come out. Clawing beneath the surface yet unable to make herself known, her memories were locked away tightly, trying to break free. How lonely must that have felt, how frustrating must it must feel, to have two voices within your head, one of who you used to be, one of who you were now. Both seemed right and both seemed wrong. Fighting against yourself while feeling as though you were constantly losing a battle against yourself.
"Guid Mornin' Marie" a familiar voice yawned wearily, she was spacing out again, wondering if she had even slept at all. Working on autopilot attempting to keep up the appearance of a normal life. She hated seeing her oldest ally and best friend ruin herself like this, what was becoming of her. They were family now via marriage, she needed to learn to rely on her more. They both loved Alice and they would help her together. But watching Marie destroy herself wit guilt and blame was hurting them all to watch, her strength wavering and crumbling as she fought what felt like a losing battle. She was never to blame, the asshole who hit her sister while drunk was now in jail and would pay the consequences with his guilt, knowing he was to blame. Living with what he had done for the rest of his life.
Marie turned to see Isla appearing in the kitchen, her fiery auburn hair a tangled sleepy mess, her green eyes piercing and harsh, yet so gentle at the same time. Both of them shared a fiery passionate soul, both were complicated beings of ancient age that adapted as best they could. Adorning blue and white striped pyjama's, her silver piercings still in her ears, gleaming in the morning light. She had always been a tomboy at heart "Bonjour" Marie replied softly. It was comforting to have an old friend helping her through this, keeping her sane and comforting her when things became too much. That she didn't have to cope alone anymore. She felt so disconnected from life these days, questioning if any of it was real, wondering what to do with herself. Scotland had helped bring herself and England together, hell she had been the one to finally show relief when they confirmed their engagement.
"Fer is Alice? Ye ken better than tae leave her alone?" Isla pressed in concern, what if she hurt herself, what if she got into trouble, what if she had another panic attack. Anything could happen to her due to her mental instability. She knew Marie needed time to recover but she was also Alice's main guardian at a time like this, she needed the comfort of her wife. The term death till us part may not have applied to them as immortals, but they were were still loyal, they remained tied to one another for centuries, for eternity. She couldn't turn her back on Alice now.
Marie nodded at the porch, she could observe her from a distance while getting some space. She never left Alice's side, she was always lingering in the background, always present "She's watching the rain, it seems it calms her, it's helping her remember" she smiled. It was one of the few things to make her happy and she wouldn't deny that of her. If anything brought Alice comfort, acting as her sanctuary, helping her heal she encouraged it. She wanted her to feel at home, help her find some way of expressing herself. Anything that may help her recover and trigger her memories.
Isla averted her gaze to the patio, Alice sat in a chair watching the rainfall on the garden, a soft peaceful expression on her features "Aye, when we were wee queane's, she was awfa feart o' the rain, she used tae hide away until it stopped" she hummed. The storms that would run rampant through her country, the thunder that would cause Alice to hide. How she would cling to Scotland sobbing, shivering with fear. How Isla worried when they were apart, how her sister would cope. Trying to make sense of it all, how much it hurt. Alice had learned to be strong and resilient through tough love, as had she, but it had been a cruel way to grow up.
"I remember, I would keep her company when you were absent" Marie nodded, it was something that made her both envious and yet relieved to be an only child. While she had nobody to watch over her growing up the way Alice had, she had earned independence and self reliance younger than the latter.
Isla stepped out onto the patio, watching her sister closely, she didn't want to startle her nor make her upset. She was wrapped in a dressing gown, her golden blonde hair tumbling down her shoulders and back like a fairy, her piercing green eyes staring into the oblivion, the scent of rain was heavy. A childlike air surrounded her sister, a naive innocence that conveyed her as someone younger than she was. The accident had somehow forced her sister into reverting into the baby sister she remembered. Wondering if Alice had been happier back then despite the hardships because people were kinder to her, less harassment and less bullying from other nations. She had respect, she was new, fresh faced, still growing as a nation "Marie tells me ye've been rememberin" Isla soothed.
Alice perked up at the sound of her sister's voice "Mm, not much but… I remember…. Storms, when they got bad. I… I would hide in the trees or a cave. I was cold… it was lonely…. But somehow it came back to me". She was trying her hardest to remember her past, the person she used to be but there was a barrier preventing her from diving further. But she was proud of herself for the information she was able to uncover. She was becoming the person she used to be, even if it was slowly. Maybe if she started at the beginning, her childhood, the early memories, the rest would fall into place too.
Isla nodded, the ancient older nations whom had known hardships, through blood, sweat and tears. Sometimes there would be days, weeks and months in which she was separated from Alice, sacrificing bonding and necessary emotional imprinting from her sister. The absence they endured had affected them all negatively, especially Alice. Causing her to question if her sisters even loved her at all. Duties to her nation and boss would keep her away from Alice despite being siblings, she would think of her sister often, worry for her wellbeing and growth as a nation, hoping she didn't resent her for neglecting her so much. Sometimes to spite her boss she would extend her stays with Alice when she visited purely to spoil her and cheer her up, accepting the bollocking she got from her boss when she came home. "Ye ken I luive ye Alice, I didnae wanna leave ye, I had to" Isla pressed. Now that Alice had lost her memory and been in an accident, her boss had lessened his demands, he was sympathetic and loosened his grip. She was able to work from home if needed, had a lax on time limits for work and could be with her family. Seeing how deeply this had affected Isla, given this was her family.
Alice nodded, she could see the pain in her sisters eyes, how conflicting it was for her. How she had never been good at conveying her passionate emotions, the hardened exterior she had developed "I know" she whispered. She knew Isla was complicated, she always had been, she loved her immensely but their lives were always conflicting and caused them to often make difficult and mature decisions. Being the eldest of the four of them, it was never easy, she shouldered the most burdens, acting as both mother and sister to her siblings. Putting them before herself rather frequently.
Isla stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Alice affectionately, burying her nose in her soft hair, breathing her in, soothing her wounded soul. Wondering if somewhere deep down, the old Alice was able to feel this affection, know she was loved. She needed her baby sister back, they all did, it couldn't go on like this, it would tear them apart. She couldn't watch Alice live as a shadow of herself, trapped in her childhood, it wasn't real life, it was the past, they couldn't go back to that time, they could only move forward. "Can ye remember anything? About that night?" she asked, she hated to ask her sister to relive such trauma, knowing how much it may scare her. Who would want to relive the moment they nearly died? As awful as it was, still traumatizing them all, how they nearly lost her, maybe it would do her good to hurt, to bring Alice to the surface. Alice stiffened, her eyes wide like a deer in headlights, flashing images dancing behind her eyes.
Alice felt cold, her whole body numb, the world around her grew dull, she felt as though she was slipping away into some ethereal realm, beyond time and space. Her body felt limp and heavy, she couldn't muster the strength to move her arms and legs, all she remembered was a bright light, the car, the pain of being hit, bones breaking, internal injuries, the blood, the fear. Yet she felt so peaceful, she felt no fear, no rage, so sadness nor anger, she could only assume what she was feeling was shock. Her body responding to what had occurred mere moments before. Now she lay on the cold hard ground, staring at the sky, so many background voices, so much sound. She was barely aware of how cold it was, the icy feeling prickling her skin, though it wasn't bothering her in the slightest, a mere tingle.
"Someone call the police"
"Oh my god"
"Is she breathing?"
She barely remembered the drunk guy being pinned to the ground by numerous people as to not escape, screaming and demanding to be released. Frantically yelling it wasn't his fault, he didn't see her, it was an accident, blaming Alice, anything but himself. His voice being drowned out in the background, barely connecting to her. He was voice without a face, a mere stranger with whom she had scribbled over his blank canvas of an appearance. Marie knelt beside her, clinging to her as she sobbed uncontrollably, her pigtails had become loose after being hit, slowly falling across her face. Begging Alice to respond, her body on autopilot, going into panic. Begging, screaming for people to help, demanding Alice to respond and stay with her. Desperate to remain in control, trying to do what came naturally at a time like this. But how was Alice supposed to respond? It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe, was this how mortals felt in situations like these? She could now understand their fear, their aversion to such a topic. She was immortal, she wasn't supposed to die, she had known worse pain than this. She had known wars, plagues, famine, all sorts of historical tragedies, too many to name. So why was she so scared? Why was she so cold?
"Angleterre?! Alice, please, speak to me! I'm here, I'm right here. Can you hear me?" Marie sobbed, she just needed to hear her speak. She needed her to fight as hard as she could, to stay away, survive. Anything to prove she was ok. She didn't know how all this had happened to fast, but she would pray to any god, deity, anything that would protect Alice now. She needed her to be strong, she needed her to listen to her voice. Alice whimpered, she coughed, it all hurt so much, whimpering as pain shot through her body. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to respond. All she could do was lie there in Marie's arms. Marie was crying, she had made her cry again, she knew that they fought sometimes and she said cruel things. But she loved Marie, she would be lost without her, they hurt each other sometimes, but she could never hate her. Now Marie was crying so hard she feared she would break, had she ruined this evening too? Why was she always such a mess?
Alice shivered, her eyes wide and haunting, trembling with fear, tears welling up in her eyes, dragged back to that dark place her mind tried to lock away. She could see visions of it, darkness, pain, sobs, crying and shrieks. The numbness her body felt, blame, guilt and sadness. Why should she remember that? If her body wanted so badly to repress it, how would it help her? "Blood, there was a strong smell of blood. So many voices…. I couldn't comprehend them all, scrambled together like static. I… I couldn't move…. She…. Marie…. She was crying" she whimpered. She didn't understand what it all meant, but it was important, her sister told her to remember no matter how much it hurt. She needed to fight through the pain even if it broke her. Did she make Marie cry? Was it her fault? Had they fought?
Isla stroked her sisters head gently, it was hurting her but memories were being uncovered, she was finally breaking through the wall her psyche had formed after the accident to protect herself. "Nae, ye were in a car accident pet, ye were lucky to be alive. Marie was crying because she was awfa feart" she soothed. Despite all the wars she had known, all the hardships her country had faced, Marie confided in Isla that was the most scared she had ever been. The endless torture of waiting, never knowing, inevitably accepting she had lost her wife. That her soulmate may be gone, she may never wake up, everything she had ever known was gone. It was all history she would never be able to reclaim. Alice nodded, she remembered being told by the doctors she was in an accident. "A ken it hurts, but Alice, ye hae to remember, nae matter how painful" she pressed, to ignore pain, try to forget and pretend, it drove one insane. It wasn't healthy, it would eat alive and your psyche would repress it but remember. Causing unhealthy coping mechanisms she didn't want her sister to inherit. They were immortal beings, suffering, tragedy and pain was part of their lives. They could only live with their demons, learn from their mistakes and try to be better. They couldn't ask for anything more.
Alice's lip wobbled, but the sadness and pain hurt, she didn't want to feel that blackness again. That loneliness, the void of numbness. The inability to control her body, move, being a mere observer while her body shut down. Hearing the screams and sobs around her and not being able to move. But it was her life, she had to regain it somehow. As much as she tried to remember, something was holding her back. "I… I know… I want to…but… but whenever I do…. Something in me… my head, another voice, another me…. She… it…. It stops me. Like it's guarding me" she whimpered. She wanted her life back, she wanted her memories back, but something in her subconscious was preventing that from happening.
Isla peered at Alice closely, her dark eyes sharp and intense, it was all starting to make sense, all the pieces were forming together. So, Alice's true self, her real self, she was guarding her old memories, locking them away, repressing them. Keeping this new Alice active and present, while her real self remained dormant, like a puppet or a mask. But why? "A see, well Quine ye've done well tae remember. Just rest" she soothed
Amelia, Maddie, Isla and Marie sat around the couch quietly, tea in hand, all having come together in order to have a private conversation. This would just stress Alice out and trigger a negative response, so they left her to enjoy the rain to have a discussion. The air was tense, nobody dared speak but everyone had something on their mind, they were all waiting for someone to make the first move to ease the tension.
Amelia nibbled a piece of toast quietly, she had started to snack when she was anxious or sometimes not at all, her appetite had greatly changed since these events. This caused her weight to fluctuate and her appetite to change. Sometimes she would feel so sick from nerves she could barely stomach anything at all. She had changed into an oversized cream jumper and black jeans, holding a cup of coffee like a lifeline, staring into the cup. She knew something had to be said, something had to be done, she just didn't want to face it. She was a terrible leader at times like these, she just became a mess and felt backed into a corner. But she always knew how to help, what do do and what was the right thing. Following her moral compass.
Maddie sat quietly sipping a cup of tea, her orangey golden blonde hair tied into a french braid that tumbled down her shoulder with a red bow. She was wearing a black blouse with an autumnal maple leaf design with lace, blue skinny jeans, red lipstick and black nails. Her gaze occasionally averted to Amelia as she inhaled her toast, she knew her sister wasn't eating well these days and tried to coax her into consuming at least a toastie. Amelia wouldn't last if she didn't eat, she needed her strength and right now falling apart wasn't something they could afford to do. She reflected on the days when Amelia ate junk food with abundance, how she missed the days when her sister enjoyed her meals without a hesitation of what it was. Now she wondered if Amelia could even finish her plate.
Marie's hair fell over her shoulders in a wild mess, her eyes lightly bagged from anxiety and poor sleep schedules, a shoulderless black shirt with a heart-shaped chest and blue skinny jeans. Her hands rested on her lap in a tightly, clenched tightly in a silent prayer, wanting this over with fast. "A've come to a realisation aboot ma sister" Isla stated calmly, it was a tough pill to swallow and she didn't want to believe it either. But there was no denying it any longer, they would have to push back if Alice was to get any better. If they had any hope of getting her mind back.
"That she has amnesia and may never go back to normal" Amelia huffed coldly, she wasn't getting any better and it was so hard to watch. She hated knowing that the previous life she shared with England may never come back, that it was something only she would remember. It was so messed up, it wasn't fair. She had sometimes wished England was different or became someone else when they argued in the past but she never meant it. Now she wished she could take it back more than anything. The saying you never knew how much you loved someone until they were gone was painfully true now. She wanted to pinch herself until her arm went numb in hopes of waking up from all of this. Maddie reached across to gently squeeze her sister's hand while her gaze remained on Scotland. They couldn't let the negative pollute their optimism, not all discoveries were bad, she could sense that Isla was holding something back, she was focusing on how to convey her words. Silently pressing her to continue.
"From whit a have observed, a think Alice may be repressing her memories subconsciously, nae just amnesia" Isla pressed, some part of Alice was holding herself back from returning to them. Whether she was doing it of her own will or her mind was trying to protect itself, it was preventing her from healing. She was forcing herself to forget, trying to keep her past memories repressed, she didn't want to get better or some part of her was stopping herself. Either way it was working. Maybe if they could figure out how to stop it, her amnesia would lessen, increasing her healing.
Marie's eyes widened, all three looking at Isla with a look of shock, as if she was going insane. How had Isla figured this out but not the doctors at the hospital? "Repressed memories?" Marie asked.
"That makes sense when Alice had a meltdown when she complained of a sore head. She was speaking nonsense but… it was like she had a vision or something, she remembered something but it hurt" Amelia blurted. She remembered how scared Alice looked, describing what she saw with accurate precision as if she had lived it. However, when she tried to remember what had happened, her brain created a headache, a negative stimulant to prevent her from accessing it. Baiting her with visions of her past life but then keeping it from herself. The meltdowns occurred when Alice discovered memories she didn't recall, too fast for her to remember. Triggering negative ones that would keep her from trying to remember, instead of positives ones that would encourage her. She was teasing herself, giving herself hope only to be faced with failure. But why would her mind to that to her? It didn't make sense.
"To protect herself or her psyche, she subconsciously created a barrier around her memories, preventing her from remembering" Maddie stated, it all made sense now. Her strange behaviour, her inability to access her own mind, the small glimpses into her past. As her mind healed she was able to access what once was, but every time Alice had flashes of the accident, scaring and upsetting her, somehow her mind protected itself by causing migraines. Stopping her from trying to access them again, until she got curious enough to try. It had to be infuriating for her, always getting close to the goal of recovery, only for her mind to drag her back and prevent her from sharing the same memories as those around her.
Isla nodded, they were starting to understand "A dinnae ken how, but Alice had guarded her memories of her own will, she canna remember because deep down she's stopping herself" Isla explained. Maybe it was a magic spell? Alice was proficient at magic due to their pagan and Celtic roots, but spells could go wrong. They needed to figure out the root cause and what could weaken it. She'd need research and a lot of time, maybe ask the hospital for their advice, see what could help. But she needed to encourage Alice that she was doing well, that she needed to push through the pain, that it would help her memories get better.
"It's my fault, all my teasing, all my cruelty, making fun of her all those years growing up. She doesn't want to remember because she hated me" Marie whimpered, that had to be it, that had to be the reason. Alice had always been sensitive, self conscious and never fit into social cliques. She had forged her way into growing strong and now was treated as a joke by everyone around her. Of course she would want to hide, forget and become someone else, she among others had made her life a misery. It took a long time for them both to make peace and find a healthy harmony, so why would Alice ever want to return to her when she could be blissfully happy without the memories that had hurt her for so long?
Maddie gripped Marie's hands tightly, her gaze sharp and yet full of pain "Don't you dare think that mama! It's not true! You love each other, you loved each other back when you were kids!" Maddie snapped. They had waited years, centuries even before they were engaged to one another, but it was clear to everyone around them they were meant to be. Nobody was perfect, but they admitted their flaws, worked on their problems maturely and stood by one another. Both were flawed, but they worked on them together, they communicated. They trusted one another, the fact that Alice stayed was proof that somewhere deep down she still loved Marie.
"M… Maddie…." Marie sniffed
"She's lost right now mama, she's healing and she's broken. If we slowly ease her into remembering with a push, see the happier memories among the bad" she soothed. She needed to find her way again and they would be the ones to do it, no matter how long it took. She needed time and she needed to trust them, they just had to give her a push. But lashing out and panicking would only give Alice a reason to withdraw into herself, right now patience was key above all. Marie's eyes welled up with fresh tears and Maddie hugged her mother, they would get through this
Amelia stepped out into the garden, watching Alice calmly sit in her chair, watching the rain, this felt like something from a period piece, a tragic romance, one of the many sappy films she had seen over the years. But it felt like someone else's life, instead of hers. All of this felt wrong, all of it hurt so much and she wanted it to go away. It hurt so much to know the woman who raised her was trapped inside her mind, fighting against herself worsening her amnesia. How much she wished the grumpy old England would scold her like she used to. But she couldn't show how much it hurt, she had to swallow her pain and think of England, of helping her recover "Aren't you cold out here? It's no summer monsoon" Amelia joked.
Alice blinked then averted her gaze to notice Amelia had joined her, she smiled softly at her "I… I've known colder weather, I… I remember the bitter winters of my childhood, rain like this is nothing but a chill" Alice reflected. She remembered how bitter the winters could be, so cold she couldn't feel her fingers, believing frostbite would get to her. Shivering and wrapped in furs, waiting for the sun to come out. This rain in comparison to the worst weather, it was harmless, she would not become sick due to it.
Amelia shifted, rain brought unpleasant memories to the surface, ones she had repressed herself. But now for the sake of her own heartache she needed to reflect, if she was going to help England. Her heart ached as sadness flowed through her, it had been raining that day too, the day she broke Alice's heart, forcing her independence with France as her ally. The day neither of them would forget, or so she had believed all this time, the day Maddie became Alice's most loyal ally and she became the scorned child. Wondering if that residual repressed bitterness is what caused this to happen "I… I finally started dressing for the weather, while I'm here. You used to nag at me that I would catch a cold. Never listened though, I guess I got that stubbornness from you" Amelia joked stiffly.
Alice stared at the girl, she seemed awkward, tense, nervous even, forcing herself to smile despite a hidden pain "The paleness of the jumper brings out the blue in your eyes, makes your cheeks rosy" Alice stated thoughtfully. Why should she feel ashamed of acting immaturely? She was a teenager wasn't she? Weren't teenagers supposed to be immature? She supposed it came from a place of concern but she had worded it wrongly on her behalf, leading to a fight instead.
"If only she had dressed appropriately before"
Alice blinked, why had the voice inside her head been so harsh? Did she always scold Amelia that way? Did she always say such cruel things to her adopted sister?
Amelia blushed, her eyes bright and full of surprise, before a shy smile formed on her face, she felt so proud that Alice was praising her. She just wished the old England could have said these words. She'd always been a tomboy at heart, but these days she was dressing for comfort as if returning her to a childish form of herself. A layer of protection that made her feel safer through all of this, the coziness of the jumper was soothing. "I guess I got that from Marie" she chuckled, neither of them had Alice's eyes.
"Ye need tae sleep, ye canna keep doin this tae yerself, Marie ye'll mak yerself sick" Isla pressed, she was suffering from insomnia due to stress and the depression caused by the accident. Her sleep schedule was a mess due to worry for Alice, her appetite was poor, she needed rest. How she hadn't crashed yet due to hitting burnout was insane, surely her body would start to waver and she would faint. The body could only handle so much before self preservation kicked in. This couldn't go on and she needed to see sense. She would feel better if she had a break, if she had some time to herself, pushing herself would only make matters worse. Alice would sense her anxious energy and would feed off it, only triggering her to repress more memories possibly as a result.
"Angleterre needs me, if I'm not beside her, anything could happen" Marie snapped, the nightmares, the panic attacks, her distant nature. She had almost lost Alice when she blinked for even a second. If she lost her again she wouldn't be able to cope, until she was fully rested and back to her old self, she would remain diligent in her care. Her own wellbeing didn't matter, all that mattered was Alice.
"A'm here noo, ye ken rest easy ye ken that, a widnae let anything happen tae her" Isla soothed, she was her baby sister and she would protect her with her life. She would keep her company, make sure she ate, keep her at ease, soothe her panic attacks, anything she needed. She was more than capable of taking over, she did raise Alice before she even met Marie. Giving up control to someone else at a time like this was difficult for Marie, but if she didn't stop soon she would put herself in harms way. The human body could only last so long without rest, food or water. They may not have been able to die, but they could get sick. She didn't want to have to become stern or aggressive with Marie, but if she didn't see sense it was going to upset and worry those around her.
Marie shifted, she knew Isla was right, she had her daughters here too to help out, but she couldn't ignore the anxiety in her stomach. The overwhelming fear that something terrible would happen, that her worst fears would come to light all over again. But she was tired, so very tired, the dull ache in the back of her mind, begging for sleep, begging for rest. Maybe she would feel better if she took a short break, just to recover and allow her body time "Very well, I will rest, but if anything happens please tell me" she begged. No matter how minimal, how silly, how stressful, she would be there in a heartbeat.
"A' promise" Isla nodded
After taking some sleeping pills and a calming tea, Marie had been out like a light, dead to the world, her body hit the mattress and she instantly feel asleep. All of the accumulated pressure had finally broken her and she was able to sleep. She was so exhausted she had been kept awake by stress and caffeine alone, the poor woman needed all the rest she could get at a time like this. Her health was equally as important to Alice's, she wouldn't last much longer. Marie may have appeared narcissistic and flashy to others, but she was far more complicated than people realised. She had a deep sense of empathy and devotion to those closest to her. Centuries of trauma had forced her to hide her heartache under a smile, or even worse find comfort in a bottle.
"Where is mama?" Maddie asked curiously, these days she was often pottering around and trying to busy herself. Had she perhaps gone out on a walk? Found something to abide the time to comfort herself? She didn't like the idea of Marie straying away at a time like this, it gave her a bad feeling. They needed each other more than ever.
Isla sat at the table, adorning a dark green tartan shirt and black jeans, her hair bound back into a ponytail, her many piercings shining in the light, a cigarette hung delicately in her fingers. She knew that Maddie may crave her families attention, all beings sought comfort in the people closest to them in moments of vulnerability. But right now Marie needed space and being crowded was the worst thing. "Yer mammie is takin a guid long nap" Isla pressed, sleep was crucial to her and she planned on allowing Marie as little disturbance as possible. Maddie nodded in understanding, quietly taking a seat opposite Isla, she sighed heavily, Amelia was outside talking to Alice, Marie was upstairs sleeping after god knows how long of fighting off exhaustion. She needed companionship, she needed someone to talk to, but everyone around her seemed to be busy. She couldn't help the selfish desire for affection from someone, anyone that may ease her own troubles. She didn't know what to do with herself, she couldn't focus, she couldn't relax, her whole body was on red alert, her mind was buzzing and yet she felt so tired. "A ken yer the youngest, ye can relate to Alice in that sense. But ye dinnae hae to tak responsibility fer a'thin queane" she soothed, it wasn't her job, she was a kid like anyone else. She may have been a legal adult at the age of eighteen, but she had a lot of growing up to do. This was a mature situation and she had handled it brilliantly, but to be vulnerable was natural.
Maddie's lip wobbled "You've seen Amelia, she's a mess on her own, I inherited the responsibility she lacked. I got it from you, Alice and Marie, I'm more like you than anyone" she huffed. Amelia never knew what to do with herself, she wasn't eating as much anymore due to her anxiety and the grief caused by Alice's amnesia took away her appetite. She forced herself to smile and be happy despite the emptiness inside of her. Maddie had to step in before she hurt herself, she didn't care how little Amelia ate, so long as she was full. She wasn't going to let Amelia fall apart. She needed a routine that would provide healthy distractions that would deter her from sadness. She blamed herself for what happened, that she couldn't protect Alice, regret eating her alive. But she couldn't live like that, the past was the past for a reason.
Isla took a heavy puff of her cigarette "Aye, but ye keep runnin aroond after people, yer gaun tae burn yerself oot lassie" she warned, she had seen it in Marie, she wouldn't let Maddie follow the same path. Maddie was a smart girl, she was doing the right thing but she needed to think of herself too. She had coped well thus far but she couldn't keep going like this. She couldn't let her intrusive thoughts consume her, she needed to accept her feelings and understand they were normal. Everyone had their way of coping with grief and trauma, there was no right or wrong way to react. But reaching out for help, it was always ok. Soon her mind and body would reach their limit, she needed to prioritize self care and understand her wellbeing was crucial.
"What else am I supposed to do? The longer I sit around, my mind is a mess. I can't stop thinking about it all. The accident, this mess, our suffering?! The rage, the anger and the confusion?! If I don't stop I feel like I'm going to suffocate!" Maddie raged. Laying in her bed as meaningless thoughts swirled around in her mind, how she replayed what happened on a loop. She'd been on autopilot for so long she didn't know how to act human anymore. If she let herself think for too long she thought she would break. Screaming over and over until her lungs lost air and her throat was raw. It didn't make sense, none of it did, she had repeated it over and over in her head but it never seemed to make sense. Why this was happening to them? How this happened, why it happened? If it was all some sick joke that life had decided to curse them with as immortal beings. Knowing that Alice was now a stranger and yet not, someone she had known her whole life who no longer recognised her. Marie's suffering of having to watch her fiancé endure this, how they never knew, how they could have saved her? How she felt so helpless yet responsible, she knew her family needed her and yet she felt so confused, how was anyone supposed to handle a situation like this? How much she wanted it all to go away, how she wanted England back.
Isla reached out her hand to grasp Maddie's softly, squeezing it kindly, the war going on inside her must have been unbearable. How much longer until Maddie lashed out again? It wasn't a healthy form of coping mechanism. "A heard about ye punchin that wall, dinnae go hurtin yerself again ken? Nae healthy" she soothed. If she wanted a punching bag to ease her frustrations she would buy one, if she needed an outlet creatively so be it. Anything she needed, but she wouldn't let Maddie hurt herself. Maddie swallowed stiffly nodding her head, tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks. Isla squeezing her hand and reaching across to stroke her hair. It was just all so confusing.
Marie wandered quietly through a field of flowers, so many she couldn't count them all, the sun-kissed her skin like warm butterflies, the heavenly scent of perfume filling her senses. This place was so beautiful, so warming, it felt like a dream, wondering where it had been all her life. She never wanted to leave this place, she felt like she had always belonged here, a much needed break. The sky felt like it went on forever and she could run without looking back, able to touch the sky and swirl clouds around her fingers. Her violet-blue eyes full of peaceful bliss, her caramel blonde hair flowed down her shoulders angelically. Wearing a white shoulderless blouse, bunched around her shoulders and formed around her figure. A red skirt flowed around her feet with a white underskirt, a brown corset bound around her waist. She felt as though she had been here before, as if she was stepping back in time to a life forgotten, she never wanted to leave this place. She had forgotten she could be this happy, consumed by the sadness that had placed itself in her life. She suddenly caught sight of a figure in the distance, long blonde hair flowing down her back, while a widow's peak framed her face, piercing green eyes gazing into the distance. She knew that face anywhere, it had haunted her dreams ever since the accident, the person she had grown up with, loved since they were children. Wearing an outfit that resembled the mad hatter, she hurried towards her lover eagerly, tears of happiness filling her eyes. "Angleterre! It's me, I've found you" she sobbed, everything would be ok now, they were finally together.
Alice turned on her heels, wearing large black Gothic knee length boots and delicately holding a watch in her hand, staring at Marie from the rim of her tophat. An expression of boredom and curiosity danced behind her eyes, concealing her true nature. "You have yet to see past the fantasy, you're still so selfish you can't see what's in front of you" Alice pressed. She needed to see the truth, she needed to understand, otherwise they would remain strangers. She couldn't escape to this fantasy and delude herself into believing this would fix everything, she needed to muster her strength and face the battle. This wouldn't bring Alice back.
Marie stared in disbelief at her wife, what was she saying? Such cruel words that went beyond teasing into malice. Why was Alice being so cold to her? Why so distant? What would bring her back to her loving arms? Whatever she wanted, whatever she needed she would give to her. "Is… this? Was I cruel to you Angleterre? Are you punishing me? Why must you break my heart this way? To be the only one who remembers" she sobbed. Had she said or done something wrong? Had she not appreciated her enough? Had she been a bad wife? A bad lover? What was it that forced Alice to repress her memories and pretend that she didn't know her? Why hide in the sanctuary of her own mind instead of breaking free? She hated this endless loneliness, knowing she was the only one who could remember their past, what they meant to each other.
Alice shook her head "To truly help me heal you must get inside my head, to see inside my mind is to heal the wounds, mend our bond" she pressed. She needed to remove selfish shackles that held her back, be open minded and step into the past of what was. Her scars, her torment, her loneliness, her sadness, all of it. Sealing away her memories, choosing to remain with amnesia despite her body fighting to heal. Marie needed to understand that and see what she could do to help. Alleviate her blindness and truly see what needed to be done. As the nation of love this should be easy for her. Break the locks, the chains, the binds, all the protection she had enforced in her mind to seal away her old life. She needed to mend the bond in order for her to regain what they had.
Marie stared at her wife, what did she mean? What was she saying? To help her wife heal she needed to fight against the locks she had put in place. What wounds? What was she talking about? To understand she needed to talk to Alice's inner psyche, but how could she do that if Alice kept rejecting her? Before she could run after her wife, a flurry of red flower petals swarmed her vision blinding her, Alice walking further into the distance. Marie tried to run after her wife, grabbing her skirts and racing into the wilderness to reach out and grab her, tripping over herself. Scrambling blindly for someone who didn't want to be saved. The sky suddenly becoming darker as the white wispy clouds turned dark and ominous. The flowers still bright began to darken, warp into something wicked. Suddenly roots wrapped around her legs, the same flowers she had admired began to twist and bind her. She stared at Alice desperately, hoping she would understand, their connection was still in tact. What did she mean? Heal their wounds? Mend the bond? What was broken beside her mind? Why was she saying these things? She felt the roots twisting around her, suffocating her, screaming at the top of her lungs, calling to her wife, yet her pleas fell on deaf ears. Alice disappearing before her very eyes.