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Chapter 3

The plane was excruciating. I was so tired I couldn't function properly. Nothing registered in my head but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't trust myself in the subconscious; couldn't trust the screams. I never wanted him to know how much pain I was in, to admit that, that I was a shell without him- I couldn't. I couldn't admit my feelings anymore, never again, my body rejected them.

I rocked in the seat fidgeting with my hands, hair, pulling at my face.

It had always been hard to admit how I felt before. I was too much like charlie, too stuck in myself. But my shyness had subsided for him. He was just too valuable, to right. I understood the potential rejection but he was in my reach, and I was dumbfounded. Then for a little, I believed past him being too good for me- me not being enough. He was good at that. As long as he wanted to be. Now I was a child afraid to get burned.

The flight attendants fussed over you greatly, repeatedly asking you if you wanted something- I declined three times before taking a cup of coffee. Alice had taken one at the beginning of the flight I didn't know where she was dumping it gulp by gulp but she was nearly finished. Edward eyed me when the flight attendant came with my large cup. We made eye contact while she spoke.

"Milk and sugar?"

"Just sugar please." he was worried, his brows knitting together and eyes unfathomably full of words. Alice took a sip of her coffee and it brought me back from their depths. They are good at pretending I reminded myself. Turning to the black liquid. I was reminded of the water.

Hypnotized by it for a second, the coast. I had almost reached nothingness against the cliffside. Amidst the thrashing, crashing, and the cold. I almost had a happy ending. Seeing him. I would've let myself drown, I knew that now. Maybe not then- I had been much too afraid then. But the thought had intoxicated me and if Alice had never come back, I would've returned to the cliffside. Without him, I wouldn't last very long. My bones were made of paper; they could not keep me upright anymore.

And after him?

I shut the thought out not trusting myself anymore.

The longer I stayed still the more my anxiety grew. My leg bounced up and down like my thrashing heart, all the time being watched. He never looked away not for a second not when the flight attendant spoke, not when he was prompted for an answer. Like a little kid afraid if he looked away it would disappear. I didn't understand, and it frustrated me into a frenzy. By the time they opened the doors, I had already acquired my bag and stood up. I was the second out of the aircraft. I refused to look back, somehow the stillness had provided me with enough near to leave. That's what I need I thought feverishly. I need to do the leaving. No more dog no more stick I wasn't going to beg. Maybe it would help me survive. As long as I didn't have to hear goodbye again.

I kept my head down trying with no avail to slip through people the way Alice did. I checked the hard shoulder of a man and bite my lip through the pain but nothing was going to stop me from getting to that exit. But the shoulder appeared again, shifting to cover my meager eyeliner. It was a light blue dress shirt. Who would wear that at three am in Seattle? It was freezing. I tried to move-

"Bella I am so glad to see you are well." the chills grew up my arms.

"Yes very well, thank you" I tried to move again. I had thought of Carlisle as a father once, though he would be at least. I respected him like I was taught to respect authority figures but it did not mean I forgave him. He was the leader, and he had decided to leave forks. If he had said no Edward would have left but the rest of the Cullens would have stayed. I knew that. Alice didn't want to leave neither did Rosalie.

Edward was his son, I understood that I understood that Carlisle would always choose him over me. But I had thought Carlisle had a sense of right to him; a morality.

He did right by everyone but me. Why not me.

"I wish to thank you, for what you did for my son, my family. I am indebted, we all are." I reluctantly raised my eye line.

"Don't be" I replied sincerely. Esme's arms wrapped around me and I shrunk. The space seemed to be closing in on me.

"You brave girl." she seemed to be sobbing. I couldn't rip myself from her, I just couldn't. My eyes scanned for Alice but she was lovingly embracing jasper, a moment so private I looked away. Carlisle had gotten a hold on Edward now. Wrapping his arms around him completely.

"Bella what you have done for my son, oh god Edward you must never do put us through that again-" she wailed. I took a step away. While Esme too wrapped herself around him. I took a single second to see him. Just to look at him. He had enough love.

I left. Swollen heart and all. Soggy ribs and flooded lungs.

Outside the doors Rosalie and emmet stood awkwardly, whispering in humility. Emmett looked annoyed at her raising his voice an octave and although it was still low she looked guilty. She caught my eyes first taking a step forward immediately.

"We called charlie, he didn't pick up" her confidence was not as prudent as I remembered, but then again whenever I had thought of Rosalie before I was in awe. Her beauty clouding my better judgment. But knowing who she was, what kinds of things she did to get her way. And knowing she had been the reason he was almost...gone. She had almost been the reason he ceased to exist. I wasn't angry. I was disgusted. I thought she was the vilest, pathetic person I had ever met. Him she was going to waste his life.

I walked past her. Towards the taxis. "Your friend said your father was preoccupied, he thought it would be best to drop off your vehicle for you instead, although we offered to drive you."

I hesitated to look for the truck until next to emmet I found the old Harley. It looked brand new of course it was jacobs. I smiled for a second. I wanted to cry. He had thought of everything. I rushed over to the bike brushing past her, then emmet. A black leather jacket was draped and placed under a brand new full-face helmet. The tears welled in my eyes. It looked like it was one of Rachel's old jackets I pulled it on swiftly. The keys were in the pocket and a small note I didn't dare open now. I had acquired an audience.

"Don't drive now, your exhausted" he had almost ceased to exist. I wanted to hold him. Wanted to take as many greedy handfuls as I could. Kiss him. Count my blessings. I wanted to do an inventory of everything I remembered, every freckle and mole, every dip and crease. Inch by inch.

But I wouldn't- couldn't. It wasn't my place he had not given me the right to touch him. He had walked away from me.

"I have to go home"

"Well take you, Bella the roads are slick- it's raining" he pleaded, glancing nervously at the motorcycle.

"I don't want you to come" we were here again except the opposite. "I have to go, I think you need to go too. Okay?"

"This is so far from okay how could what is happening right now be okay" His hands pulled at his hair. Maybe I was cruel. I sighed. I needed to survive above all else. So I pull on the helmet and kick the bike the life.

"Just let her go" I hear emmet say faintly but soon I'm too far gone to hear. And soon I'm too far gone to breathe. And soon I'm just too far gone.

When I get home. It's quiet and dark, so quiet I can hear every crack in the linoleum floor. The key I place upon the counter clashes as I stare. I am completely alone now. I stare at the wall, it stares back at me. For a moment I take everything back with desperation, I want to crawl to his house in the woods, I want to cry and beg and yell, tell him to love me- beg him. I would beg him for however many years I lived, I would get myself together. I would fix my hair, I would eat, I would do my makeup, wear expensive clothes, I would be enough if he just let me.

In the dark kitchen, I lay against the cold floor trying to remember the love of my life. Trying to remember his touch, his soft caresses, his gentleness. This desperation eats you alive. I've never understood the need to run until I knew I could run to him. No one would ever love him as I love him and he would never love me. I feel the tears prick my eyes again again again. It exhausts me; giving so much to someone that never wanted it. It is exhausting and that is enough to drown everything else.

Drown.