Ed's panic attack in front of Gracia –
Eight weeks after Promised Day…
"Is Al still doing okay?" Ayala felt herself huff in slight irritation as the question from Edward woke her from the doze she'd been enjoying.
Looking up to glare at him, she said, "since I haven't heard otherwise and I'm assuming Chester hasn't told you anything to the contrary, I have no reason to believe he isn't still completely fine."
Though Ayala understood Ed's concern for his brother considering they only got Al back in his body a little over two months ago, it didn't mean she was going to forgive him immediately for waking her to check on Al for the twentieth time since they'd arrived at the Hughes' half an hour ago. She knew part of her irritation stemmed from the fact that Ed couldn't ask Chester directly without breaking the promise he'd made to his brother and the leopard about not harassing Chester for updates on Al every five minutes. Unfortunately, it seemed that no one – including herself – had thought to add Ayala to the list of those not to be harassed about Alphonse's condition.
Ed at least had the decency to look somewhat guilty about the fact that he was badgering his wolf. "I'm sorry, Aya. You know I can't help but worry about him. He has all those tests with his doctors and everything today and I'm stressing out 'cuz you lot ganged up on me and made me promise to spend last night and today here instead of being with Al," Ed sulked, though he would deny he did.
"You know why we did that," Ayala said, taking no offence to his implications that they'd forced Ed to do anything. They may have badgered him until he gave in but they didn't force him to agree. "Al needs a break from you and you need one from him. You barely spend more than ten hours away from him and I don't blame your brother for starting to feel a little caged in with you there all the time," Ayala said unapologetically.
"I know," Ed sighed, leaning back into the couch. "I don't like the fact that I'm this stressed over being away from Al for so long but…" he trailed off, eyes flicking to look at the ground.
Ayala nudged him sympathetically. "We understand why you insist on being so close to Al and no one is judging you for it," Ayala assured him, "but we do think it's probably a good idea that the two of you take breaks from each other before one of you kills or badly maims the other one," she joked lightly, getting a slightly amused huff from Ed.
"Yeah, yeah," Ed muttered, swatting her ear when he felt her smugness. "At least you and Chester didn't try and lock us in a room together to get us to agree to this," he said, referencing what Nala and Ayala had done only a few days earlier in order to get him and Mustang to talk to one another.
"Quit bringing that up," Ayala grumbled. "You know full well why Nala and I did what we did. If you and Mustang had just spoken to one another so you could figure out where you stood with the man now, all of that could've been avoided," she said, knowing she was repeating herself.
"Or – and quite frankly, this would've been the better option – I could've continued avoiding Mustang until I got over it all then gone from there without going through the traumatic and embarrassing saga that happened when you and Nala trapped us," Ed snarked, yelping when Ayala nipped his exposed wrist lightly.
"Don't bother trying to act like you don't feel so much better now that everything's out in the open between you and Mustang," Ayala said, glaring at him as though daring him to try. "I can sense your emotions and I know that you really are grateful that you had that talk with Mustang and know where you stand with him these days," she informed him.
Ed rolled his eyes but let the subject drop. His lack of argument seemed to be enough for Ayala to think she'd proven her point and Ed shoved her slightly when he felt smothered by her smugness. "That's enough of your shit," Ed told her, getting up quick enough that she couldn't retaliate like she'd obviously wanted to. "I'm gonna find Miss Gracia and see if she needs a hand with anything," Ed said, eyes and ears already working to try and figure out where the Hughes matriarch was. He could've tried locating Lilith since they were physically close enough for him to do so but there were times when the grey fox wasn't around Gracia so that method wasn't always reliable.
"You know she's just going to smile nicely while telling you politely to fuck off, right?" Ayala said, voice faux sweet as she looked up at him.
Ed flipped her off as he started heading for the stairs to the second floor of the building. "At least I'm being polite enough to ask, unlike some wolves I could name." Ayala's answering growl had Ed fleeing up the stairs a little faster than he normally would've, though if anyone asked, he would tell them it was so he could find Gracia a little quicker and not because he was scared of the retribution promised in Ayala's growl.
As Ayala had predicted, Gracia had waved Ed away with nothing more than a smile and a few kind words. Ed had left Elysia's bedroom – which had been where Gracia was – and headed back down into the loungeroom where his wolf was still laying on the couch, having apparently dozed off once more. Cautiously, Ed sat down beside her but when she did nothing more than open one golden eye briefly to acknowledge his return, he felt himself relax further into the couch. When he felt Ayala's amusement at his caution, he decided not to push his luck by flicking on the ear like he wanted to and went back to the book he had been trying to read before.
Ed forced his worries about Alphonse and how he was going down as far as he could so he could do what he was actually supposed to be doing while at the Hughes: relaxing. It had been for that reason that Al had begged him to stay at the Hughes once he woke up rather than come straight into the hospital to see him like he always did on the few rare nights he slept the night on Gracia's and Maes' couch. The two Animals had gotten in on the pleading when Ed had gone to refuse but their arguments of how Al would be perfectly fine in the hospital for a day without Ed hovering about, how it would do the brothers good to have a bit of time away from each other, how it would help Ed's worries about Alphonse calm down a little, and how it would be nice for Elysia if Ed stayed long enough to actually make her some breakfast like she'd asked every time he stayed at the Hughes had finally convinced Ed that they might be right and that spending an entire 24 hours away from his little brother wouldn't be the end of the world.
Elysia had been delighted when Ed had told her the previous night that he would be staying with them for the entirety of the next day, which meant he could cook her breakfast, and her obvious joy at having him there had helped wash away some of Ed's regret and guilt about leaving Al and Chester by themselves in the hospital. Elysia had been ecstatic about the possibility of spending the whole day with one of her big brothers until Hughes had reminded her that morning that she had a play date with one of her friends. She'd pouted, torn between excitement at spending time with her friend but sadness at missing out on spending time with Ed as well. The pout had disappeared when Ed had promised her that he wouldn't leave the house until she was back from her play date and her dad had returned from work and Ed and Gracia had watched a much happier Elysia, Hughes, and Leo leave soon after the promise was made. Once her daughter and husband were gone, Gracia had shooed Ed into the loungeroom, all but ordering him to relax while she occupied herself with some chores she wanted to get done while her daughter wasn't in the house.
Ed felt himself sink a little further into the couch as he continued reading. For the first time in eight weeks, he was actually getting the chance to fully relax without having to worry about anything. Of course, his worry about Alphonse was still there but after eight weeks of intensive treatments from the doctors at Central hospital combined with Mei's alkahestry for the first few weeks, Al was healing incredibly well and was no longer considered to be in danger of relapsing or getting worse because his immune system was shot. That meant that though Ed was worried about him, he wasn't truly afraid that when he got back to the hospital that night that he would be given bad news by the doctors about Al's condition.
As he flipped through his book, Ed felt his mind start to clear of stresses and worries he still carried with him until there was a sudden moment of clarity where he realised that he didn't have anything he needed to be worrying about or that needed to be done right now. He could just sit there on the Hughes' couch and read with Ayala and not feel guilty about doing so. He didn't have to be researching for ways to help Alphonse get his body back. He didn't have any end-of-the-world stuff to be trying to prevent. There was absolutely nothing that he needed to be doing and feeling that for the first time since their mother had passed away was something Ed didn't think he would ever feel again. For the last almost eight years, Ed had always been doing something, had always had something to worry about, always had some problem that needed to be solved and right now, he had none of that to a degree where he felt guilty about sitting on the couch with Ayala and reading a book.
But as always, Ed's luck didn't hold out and soon his mind turned from taking in the information from the book and relaxing to taking the opportunity of Ed not worrying about multiple things to have everything that Ed hadn't taken the time to process or grieve over since Promised Day hit him all at once. Memories of Promised Day flooded into his mind and Ed heard his breathing stutter as the feeling of losing almost all of his bonds with the Animals replayed in his mind only to be compounded on by the memory of his father's actions and the feeling of guilt and fury Ed had felt when he realised what Hohenheim was going to do was reignited, causing Ed to feel like his breath was caught in his lungs and like he couldn't get enough air into him.
Ed didn't notice that he'd lost his grip on his book or that it had fallen to the floor as a result nor did he notice that Ayala had launched off the couch in a panic, trying to nuzzle her way into Ed's arms to try and comfort him. All he noticed was the fact that this panic attack was far stronger than the ones he normally had and that he couldn't calm himself down, which only added to his panic. Ayala whined in concern but Ed never heard it, his hearing blocked by the sound of blood pumping harshly in his ears as he struggled to draw in a breath. His breathing felt like it was getting heavier, rapidly moving into hyperventilation territory but nothing Ed was trying to do amidst his panicking was making any kind of difference.
When Ayala suddenly pulled herself away from him and left, Ed certainly did notice that and he thought he may have verbalised the keening sound that had run through his head at her loss but he didn't get the chance to linger on it when his panic had ramped up at the wolf's abandonment of him. He also noticed when thin but strong arms wrapped themselves around his chest and back, pulling him into a warm body. In his panic, Ed couldn't work out what was happening but what he did know was that whoever was hugging him – and it certainly was a person and not Ayala – felt safe and familiar and that was enough for Ed to lean into them as his panic attack continued.
There was a soft voice murmuring in Ed's ear but for the life of him, he couldn't make out who was speaking or what they were saying. A small, warm hand was rubbing soothing circles on his back as whoever it was continued speaking softly and kindly to him. Ed could feel Ayala slip back under his hands, his fingers digging into her fur habitually as he fought to focus on what the person hugging him was saying. There was a second, smaller weight pressing against his right side, just against his thigh and hip but it felt as warm and comforting as the person hugging him was so Ed didn't push it away. The voice continued speaking to him as Ed's breathing stayed erratic but Ed fought to ignore his panic so he could focus on making the words out, knowing it would help calm him down.
It took a few minutes for him to be able to calm down enough for Ed to makes out the words and identify Gracia as the one telling him that, "everything was alright, Ed. You're perfectly safe here. Nothing's going to happen to you. Ayala, Lilith, and I won't let anything happen. You're alright," on repeat. The moment he'd identified Gracia as the person hugging him was also the moment he realised that he'd not only been crying but that he'd been crying on her shoulder. Embarrassment and anger at himself that he'd been crying on Gracia's shoulder welled up inside of him and, ignoring Ayala's pleas not to, he started struggling to free himself of Gracia's warm hold.
However, that struggle was proven fruitless as Gracia refused to let go of him, holding onto him the whole time he fought to free himself. Though he knew he could've easily gotten out of her hold if he'd been a bit more forceful, Ed didn't want to accidentally hurt Gracia and he did have to admit that it felt kind of nice that someone cared enough about him to want to hug him through a panic attack. The tears continued falling as he remembered why he'd been having a panic attack but Gracia continued her soft, murmured reassurances and gentle but soothing strokes until Ed's tears finally stopped falling.
Ed sniffled once more, his cheeks red with his embarrassment but Gracia said nothing about his tear-stained cheeks or his reddened eyes when she finally looked at him. "Stay here," she ordered gently, removing her arms from around Ed, who did not make a soft noise at the loss, no matter what Ayala said. "I'll be right back," she promised, giving him a warm smile edged in worry before she left for the kitchen.
Ed used the time she was gone to check and confirm that Lilith was the warm weight he could feel pressed against his right side. The grey fox hadn't moved when Gracia did and Ed carefully stroked her ears, both in thanks for her being there and because he knew the fox liked it. Gracia coming back caught his attention and he accepted the glass of water she was holding out to him. "Thanks," he mumbled once he'd finished the water, which had helped soothe his throat and further calm him down.
"You're welcome," Gracia said, giving him another smile as she took the empty glass and disappeared back into the kitchen.
Ed didn't know what she was doing and while he felt the urge to get out of the house so he wouldn't have to talk about what had happened and so he could avoid Gracia's pitying looks he knew he'd get, he couldn't find the energy necessary to leave. It also didn't help that Ayala was sitting against his legs and Lilith was pressed into his side, making it almost impossible for him to escape quickly enough that Lilith wouldn't be able to give Gracia enough of a head's up so she could stop him. Plus, he did make that promise to Elysia and he couldn't break it just because he'd had a stupid panic attack.
When Gracia came back a couple of minutes later, it was with a steaming cup of tea in her hands, which she handed over to Ed immediately before she sat back down on his left side. It was obvious that she wanted to pull him into another hug but the combination of the hot tea in Ed's hands and not knowing how he would react to the touch now made it so she kept her hands folded neatly in her lap as she faced the young blonde. "How are you feeling, Ed?" she asked, voice soft as always once he'd had a couple of sips of the tea.
"I'm alright, Miss Gracia," Ed told her, not meeting her gaze. "I'm sorry for freaking out on you like that," he added, voice a little quieter.
"Don't apologise for that. I'm sure you didn't plan on having a panic attack in my living room," Gracia said kindly. There was silence between them for a couple of beats before she asked, "would you like to talk about it? Whatever set off your panic attack, I mean?"
The immediate response of "no" was right on Ed's lips when Lilith spoke for the first time. "You promised me and Leo that you would seek someone out when everything finally hit you after Promised Day and I know that whatever caused your panic attack is linked to that day," she told him.
Ed grimaced slightly, masking it by taking a sip of his tea but he had to acknowledge that he had made the promise and though he hadn't specified that he would speak to someone immediately after everything caught up to him, he also knew that Gracia would likely be the easiest person for him to talk to about this, if only because he knew she wouldn't judge him as harshly as the other might've. He felt Ayala frown at that thought but didn't pay any attention to her reaction. "I, uh," Ed started before stopping as he tried to figure out what words he needed in order to describe what had triggered him. Gracia waited patiently as he took a few moments to figure it out.
"I think it happened because this is the first time since Promised Day where I haven't had anything I needed to do or anywhere I needed to be or anything I needed to worry a lot about so everything I've been pushing away just kinda… hit me all at once, I guess," Ed told her, still not looking at her. "I think it was mainly Hohenheim and Calix and my bonds with the Animals being destroyed down in Father's lair that caused it," he admitted.
He glanced up at her in time to see a flicker of sympathy cross her face but his eyes soon fell back to the floor so he wouldn't have to see any pity she may have felt for him. "I can't imagine what it must've felt like for you to wake up after Father had activated his array and feel none of your bonds save for the five you had with the Animals with you," Gracia said, her tone slightly morose. "I think it would be fair to say that those of us who were sacrificed got the better end of the deal. At least we didn't feel our bonds break because our partner was gone and we didn't have the awful realisation that we were one of only a very few people or Animals to be alive at that moment," Gracia admitted. "I am truly sorry that you had to feel almost all of your bonds break, Edward. I truly wish you never had to and if I could, I would gladly take that knowledge and pain away from you in a heartbeat," she told him.
Ed blinked a few times to rid himself of the tears he could feel threatening to fall at her words. "You don't have to apologise to me, Miss Gracia. 's not like you were the one to tell Father to activate his stupid array and murder everyone in Amestris," Ed said, taking a few more sips of his rapidly-emptying cup.
"I know I wasn't but that doesn't mean that I'm not upset that someone as young as you and someone who had already gone through as much as you did felt that happen," Gracia told him. When Ed didn't respond to her comment, she decided to mimic the teenager and drop the subject. "Was it your father's and Calix's deaths that you were referring to when you said they were part of the reason you had a panic attack?" Gracia asked kindly but probingly.
Ayala glanced up at her, golden eyes warning her to tread carefully but Gracia ignored her after offering her an apologetic look in order to focus on Ed, who had once again utilised his tea as a way to stall for a few seconds so he didn't have to answer right away. "Kind of," Ed finally said. "I'm sad that they're gone. I'm upset that they're both dead because of me and Al but I'm also so angry with them both," Ed admitted, eyes blazing with that anger for a moment.
"I'm pissed off that Hohenheim ignored me and sacrificed himself, Calix, and any remaining souls left in his stone for me and Al so that I wouldn't have to sacrifice my alchemy like I'd planned. I'm pissed that Hohenheim decided to ignore me despite me telling him multiple times that we didn't want anyone else being hurt or worse because of us and that we'd find another way to get our bodies back without resorting to a stone. I'm pissed off because Hohenheim decided to sacrifice himself, Calix, and the remaining souls anyway despite knowing my feelings on the matter. I'm pissed off that he abandoned us 12 years ago and only came back in our lives because of coincidence and Granny meddling with things she should've kept her damned nose out of. But I think I'm mostly angry at them both because they abandoned us again but this time Al and I will never get the chance to speak to either of them again. Al will never have the chance to have a father in his life and Hohenheim threw away the last chance he had at reconciling with one of his children and I'm fucking livid that he decided to throw that all away for me and Al and I hate myself for being so mad at them still. They sacrificed their lives for us and I'm still angry at them," Ed told her, voice catching on a sob and tone laced with enough shame and guilt that Gracia couldn't resist the urge to hug him any longer.
Ed kept the hand that wasn't holding onto his now-empty teacup buried in Ayala's fur but he did allow himself to lean into Gracia's hold a little bit, screwing his eyes shut so that he wouldn't cry again. Gracia kept the hug going for a few seconds before she released him and took the teacup from his hand. Ed thought she was going to take it back to the kitchen but she ended up placing it on the floor before she locked eyes with him and didn't let him break the gaze. "There is no one on this planet who has any right to judge you for how you feel about your father," Gracia told him firmly. "However, I think it's perfectly acceptable that you're still angry with your father for abandoning you, Alphonse, and your mother all those years ago," she said, earning a disbelieving look from Ed in response. "You spent less than a week in total with your father once he came back into your lives after leaving it and there is no way anyone could expect that that would be enough time for you to simply accept his reasons and get over it," she said firmly. "And you being angry at your father and Calix for disregarding yours and Al's opinions on the method you would use to get your bodies back and sacrificing themselves against your wishes? That is a completely natural reaction," she told him, cupping his left cheek in her hand and gently stroking it with her thumb.
"Gracia's right," Lilith told him, speaking to the three present, mainly so Gracia and Ayala could hear what she was saying so Ed didn't have to repeat it to explain why he was now looking at her. "Your feelings are only natural. How you're reacting is only human. There is no rulebook that tells you how you should experience grief nor one that tells you how you should feel after certain events. Anyone who judges you for how you react to something would deserve to be reminded that just because they wouldn't react like that, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't," Lilith said confidently.
Gracia was nodding along to her fox's words and brought Ed's attention back to her with a gentle stroke of his cheek. "I promise you, Ed, that neither Lilith nor I are judging you for your feelings or your panic attack and your feelings about your father and Calix aren't making us cast you in a bad light either," she promised him. "If you ever need someone to talk to or someone who will simply listen to you, you are always welcome to come and seek me out, Ed. I promise that I will be there for you if you need me," Gracia swore.
"As will I. We'll both be there to help and support you whenever you need it, no matter what," Lilith vowed, pressing closer into Ed.
The love and genuineness in their voices as they made their promises was what finally broke Ed's control over his tears and he found himself in yet another hug when Gracia noticed them falling. However, unlike the last two times, Ed returned the hug, albeit one-handedly since he refused to let go of Ayala. He felt Lilith crawl into his lap, pushing her way under the arm still in Ayala's fur before she came to a rest on his left thigh so she could touch Gracia as well. Ayala whined at the emotions going through her boy and she gently hopped up onto the couch and wrapped herself around Ed and Gracia as much as she could, all the while making sure Ed's hand never left her. Ed felt Gracia squeeze him a little tighter and he responded in kind. Though he still felt embarrassed and ashamed about his panic attack and he could feel some added embarrassment because of the tears currently making their way down his cheeks, Ed could also feel a sense of safety and love from Gracia and Lilith and that was what Ed decided to focus on as he let himself sink into the embrace completely.
A/N - Here's the third drabble for you all! This is an expansion on the reference to a panic attack Ed had in front of Gracia and Lilith during the epilogue and since I don't have a tonne of experience writing panic attacks, I thought this would be good practise. Would absolutely love to know what you all thought to this one and the other two drabbles posted so far! See you all next week!