***Trigger warning for this story: suicide***
Hey guys.
I have not exactly been in the right frame of mind to be doing much writing recently. I received news really unexpectedly of a woman who I have know for over half of my life, committing suicide. Since her death, all I have done is think about her, her life and how heartbreaking it is that her two children will never see their mother again.
She was an amazing person. Smart, kind, starting a fresh and seemed to have everything that anyone could hope for. Her bright smile hid the suffering she had been going through under the surface, and that is why I have written this story after CaulderPine inspired me to type out my thoughts. My wonderful friend also added another aspect at the end which I think is perfectly suited, and I thank you CP for being an amazing friend and support xoxo.
This is a message to you, our dear reader, that you are not alone.
Whatever you may be experiencing under your beautiful smile, can be shared by letting another know. I myself, along with CaulderPine, have written our own experiences at the end of this story for the purpose of sharing and hopefully showing someone, whether it is you or another reader, that no one has to suffer alone.
You matter, whether you realise it or not, I promise you, you do. Things may feel bleak right now, or at some point in the future, but please remember that you are loved, you are valued, you can be happy.
If you ever feel like you have nowhere to turn, there is a Wikipedia page titled List of suicide crisis lines where you can hopefully find a way to contact much needed help and guidance in your hour of need.
Side Note: Hawk Moth is ignored in this tale, because it focuses more on the message than anything else.
Mireille Caquet.
A young woman on the cusp of her dream.
Gone.
Sweet;
Friendly;
Kind;
Amazing;
Bright;
Full of life;
Gone.
Rumours spread like wildfire.
The news trickled down the vines until it was everywhere it could be.
Facebook;
Twitter;
Instagram;
Local news…
The unknown suffering of a popular person was now on display for everyone to see.
She had taken her life.
Mireille's mother had walked in to wake her up for school to find her lifeless form face down on her bedroom floor.
The teen's image was everywhere.
Why?
Why had she done this?
What dark place had her mind gone to, to become so implicitly lost, that she thought this was her only option?
People were stunned.
Hundreds of messages poured onto her social media accounts saying how absolutely gutted people were to hear of her passing. Dozens and dozens of pictures were posted by people who had known her all her life. Offers of condolence poured in from all over Paris, anecdotes capturing different stages of her life, were now being shared for the world to see. People expressing their wishes that they had known of her turmoil so they could have helped her through whatever issues had pushed her to do the unthinkable were everywhere.
Family members;
Childhood friends;
School friends;
Members of the community…
People who Mireille had graced with her presence for even just a short amount of time were saying how heartbroken, astonished, and truly sorry they felt at not knowing what had been plaguing her behind her bright smile. The teen was very popular, surrounded by many friends and a loving family; an involved member of the student body and a popular public figure that captured the hearts of Parisians.
It was not surprising to see just how many people had been affected by such a tragic loss of life..
If only she had known: would Mireille still have made the same choice?
Marinette Dupain-Cheng sat on her bed with her sobs muffled by the hands covering her face. The teen was beside herself after hearing the news of Mireille's suicide.
With all the power of creation in the palm of her hands, Marinette still felt helpless with the fact that there was nothing she could do to bring back the teen who had suffered in silence.
"Tikki," she began meekly before lowering her hands to see the concerned Kwami gazing at her with sorrowful understanding. "Can I go back in time to try and save her?"
The powerful being, who had roamed the Earth for an eternity, let out a long breath and closed her eyes with obvious conflict plaguing her tiny features. "I-I do not think this is something you should interfere with."
A fresh wave of tears cascaded down Marinette's cheeks.
"Why?"
Tikki settled on her chosen's limp hands resting in between her crossed legs. "We are here to keep watch, it is our duty to protect, but we cannot interfere-"
"But Mireille lost her life. She was in such a dark place that she chose to do that… what if I can make a difference, what if-"
"Marinette," Tikki choked, "you cannot blame yourself, you cannot think you can change this outcome, everything happens for a reason, an-"
"Please, Tikki," Marinette sobbed, "I cannot hear that Mireille's taking of her own life was meant to happen… I can't see what good can come-" she sobbed as her emotions got the better of her. "I cannot see what good can come of this."
Tikki flew out of Marinette's sight as the teen clumsily wiped her tear strewn cheeks, and returned quickly with her fellow Kwami: Fluff. The rabbit Kwami looked at the Guardian with the greatest sympathy, but they knew that nothing should be done to alter the recent events.
"Guardian, Marinette," the white being approached carefully, "we do not know how changing the events of your school friend's unfortunate passing would affect the wider picture."
Marinette stifled a choked sob, "I cannot sit back and do nothing, she was hurting, and no one-"
"It seems that no one knew Marinette," Tikki pleaded, "if you want to do something, make sure there is a positive outcome from such tragic events."
"Tikki is right," Fuff continued understandingly, "the past is not to be changed, but that does not mean that the future cannot hold better outcomes for other people in similar situations."
Two days had passed since the tragic news of Mireille's suicide had broke.
Classes had not resumed in Collège Françoise Dupont, but the doors had still remained open to allow students to come in and talk to their teachers and fellow peers if they wished to do so. There were many emotions which had been expressed by Mireille's classmates, and Caline Bustier had experienced her fair share too.
The educator, in all her years, had never experienced such a range of emotions. As she sat behind Mr Damocles on the platform which had been erected for the whole school assembly, the woman knew that the students were going through the same trauma from Mireille's passing.
The head teacher had already gone through his speech with the faculty members, and not one of them had raised any concerns about what he was going to say. There was a vast variety of feelings the man was planning to address, and the educator knew that the students would benefit from hearing them. Some of her own students had come to her with surprisingly raw and honest emotions, and the redhead wanted them to know that experiencing those feelings was perfectly normal. It was part of the healing process, and it was vital that the students felt safe enough to be able to work through their feelings to prevent another tragedy; whether it be now or in the future.
"Students," the greying man began addressing the multiple teenagers sitting before him with obvious sadness splayed across his features. "The recent passing of one of our own, I know, has had a major effect on us as a school. I want you to know, that each and every one of you is welcome to come and talk about how you have been affected by Mireille's passing; without judgment, and without worry. Your emotions are natural, and we are here to support you in any way we can during this time, and in the future.
"Mental health is an important topic that, thankfully, has been in the spotlight much more in the past few years, but we can always talk about it more. I am going to walk you through some emotions that you may be feeling, that you possibly think you shouldn't be feeling, but I can assure you that they are perfectly normal."
The man cleared his throat and turned away from the student body for a moment as he composed himself and took a sheet of paper out of his pocket. Turning back to face the teenagers, Mr Damocles straightened out the list and blinked back the moisture that was accumulating in his eyes. Ms Mendeleiev's sob echoed out from behind the head teacher and he stepped back to place a comforting hand on the woman's shoulder as his gaze focused on the sheet in his other hand.
"You may expect to hear that many people are feeling helpless, confused, sad and distressed after hearing about your fellow student, but you may also find yourself feeling angry with what has happened. Guilty because you feel you could have made a difference, or angry that you never noticed she was feeling so hopeless. You may even feel angry with her, and I can assure you, anger is perfectly normal." He cleared his throat again and used his sleeve to dab under his eye to take away the tear which had escaped.
"Many of you will have questions, even if you were not that close to your fellow student. Some of you will have regrets and wish that you would have spotted the signs; you will find yourselves asking why she did this, and if you could have done anything to stop it. You may even be disappointed in her or betrayed by her, for choosing to not speak out about the pain which was plaguing her mind. It is common to feel such a range of emotions, even if you do not understand why you feel them, but please, do not think ill of yourselves for doing so. The time will come when Mireille will be remembered for the wonderful person she was, without this tragedy tainting our loving memories of her.
"Mireille was a well liked person who had many friends, so you may find yourself wondering why she was compelled to do such a thing… but we never know what another person is hiding behind their s-smile." The greying man looked up to the blue sky and took a levelling breath while Ms Mendeleiev grasped at his hand on her shoulder. The woman's attempt to hide another sob was matched by Mr Damocles' own attempt before he shook his head and rubbed his forehead. He continued speaking as countless sniffles from his audience became apparent in the otherwise silent courtyard.
"The loss of any life is a tragedy, it does not matter how it happens or when it happens, it can and will have a lasting effect on you as a person. If you think for a while, that what has happened is an act of selfishness, then that is okay… some of you may even feel hate towards this whole event, but it's how we move past these initial thoughts that is important.
"We can learn from this, we can make sure that we are open about our feelings and provide a safe place for them to be spoken about; we can turn this devastating event into one that has positive repercussions.
"We cannot bring Mireille back, but we can move past the negative emotions, which are perfectly normal, to learn from and use as an incentive to be better to each other. Be kind to each other, and never judge another. We are all fighting our own silent battles, but we do not need to fight alone. If you, your family, your friends, even someone you are not that close to, is suffering, they can reach out, we can reach out. If you need to talk about anything, anything at all, I want you to know that there is someone here for you."
Mr Damocles stepped away from Ms Mendeleiev's side and made his way to the back of the platform and retrieved a wooden box. Bringing it to the front of the stage, the man pointed to the slit at the top and looked out to the sea of students. "If you wish, you can write your feelings down and post them to me. I understand it can be difficult to express how you feel, some of you may find it easier to draw what is on your mind, or articulate it in a poem, or a song… but that does not mean that you cannot tell someone. There will be one positioned outside my office, one in each classroom, and there will also be an email address provided if you wish to send it to us electronically.
"No one should suffer alone, and if anyone has any ideas how else we as a school can help, please, do not hesitate to approach one of us."
Mr Damocles gulped and let out a long breath while dabbing under his eyes again, "we have information about relevant agencies also, who can provide confidential advice and support if you feel you need it out of school hours. You will each be given a leaflet to take home with you today that has free contact numbers for twenty-four-hour support; you can also find information online if you wish to send an email, or have a text conversation with a trained volunteer.
"Please do not hesitate to contact someone, no matter how bleak you feel, you matter; we all matter. A problem shared is a problem halved, and even if you feel you are alone, I can guarantee that you are not."
Adrien sat with his classmates, his mind still reeling from the news of Mireille's passing. In a way he understood her pain, her desire for escape, and it reminded him of his own past problems. How many times had he longed to escape the prison that was his home, to escape a life that no longer held joy, or love; a father that only saw him as a doll to dress up and display to the world? Sadness hit him like a punch to the gut, and stayed there, clawing its way up toward his heart like a cat climbing a scratching post.
He suddenly saw the students around him starting to rise, having missed the last part of Mr. Damocles' speech with his own self-reflection. Watching as Nino wrapped Alya up in a hug, Mylene snuggling into Ivan's abdomen, and even seeing Rose break down into Juleka's chest reminded him of how personally alone in the world he was. Ladybug was pushing him away, or just not telling him things, more and more, while his first girlfriend dumped him because of his responsibilities as a hero.
Watching everyone congregate to talk about Mireille, a soft sob to his side drew his attention, causing him to turn his head. The pig-tailed girl beside him looked like she'd been crying the entire two days after finding out about the death of their schoolmate, and although part of him longed to wrap an arm around her, to comfort her, he hesitated due to his apprehension of their "friends" status. "Are you alright, Marinette?" He asked softly
Looking up at him, she shook her head. "No. I'm not."
Wrapping an arm around her back, so that his hand lightly rested on her shoulder, Adrien nodded. "Me neither. Do you want to talk about it?"
Marinette's legs felt wobbly, shaking from the combination of her broken heart for Mireille, and the fact that Adrien Agreste was currently touching her! Not trusting her voice, she simply nodded and the young man helped to guide her to a nearby bench where she sat down. Him sitting next to her caused the young woman's heart to flutter momentarily. When he was no longer touching her shoulder, the pain returned, full force. It took a few breaths before she could talk about what she was feeling. "I just… can't understand why she did it… Adrien. Mireille was on a fast track to following her dreams. Everyone who knew her loved her."
"Maybe it wasn't her dreams, Marinette." Adrien's soft voice caused her to turn and look at him. He was currently hunched over with his elbows on his legs, and his hands clasped. "We can never know what a person is thinking, or feeling, about their life. Did any of us really know if Mireille was happy? Were any of us really so close to her that we actually listened when she spoke of her doubts, her worries, her fears, or did we just offer the same empty platitudes because we didn't see how badly she was hurting?"
"Surely she had people she could confide in…" Marinette started to say, only for Adrien to interrupt.
Adrien turned to look at the young woman beside him, sitting up fully. "We don't know that. Every time I saw Mireille she was smiling, appearing to be happy, and yet… her death tells me that it could've been a mask she put on to let everyone think she was alright when deep down she was hurting." Marinette sat there, just staring at her crush, and if she hadn't been looking so intently, she would've missed his nearly whispered "I know what that's like."
Her mind seemed to disconnect, fall into a spiral of pain and remorse for the boy that had stolen her heart away, shattering and reforming as she wrapped the blonde up in a hug. "Adrien…" she almost couldn't speak for the emotions roiling within her, "what happened? How can you know about… about… that?!" She was practically shaking as she held onto him as if her very soul would be torn asunder by his next words.
"It was years ago, Marinette, and I'm much better now." Wrapping his arm around her, he gave the young woman a small squeeze. "When my mother first disappeared, my father all but separated himself from me so that I had to deal with the pain of loss myself. I felt alone, in pain, and trapped in a house that no longer felt like a home… but instead, it was more like a prison." Looking at her, Adrien saw those bluebell eyes widen in horror, her mouth opening ever so slightly in a little 'o'. "The only person I had to help me through it was Chloé."
"Ch-Chloé actually… helped?"
Giving her a wan smile, he nodded. "She knew I was alone in that mansion, so she did everything in her power to come over every day to make sure I wasn't alone, or that I didn't try to hurt myself." Leaning back, he sighed. "It was then that my father really started pushing me to model, to get my mind off of the loss of my mother. At first, I didn't want to, but Chloé suggested that it would allow me time outside of the mansion, which was something I desperately wanted."
"I… I can't believe it… Chloé…" she turned to look around, but noted that the Parisian heiress was nowhere in sight. 'I guess we owe her more than I ever thought we would.'
"When she came over at the start of summer vacation after my mother disappeared, she started to tell me about going to school at Collège Françoise Dupont the next year, and I just happened to mention that I would love to go to school, make friends, and be away from my father's prison of a house for hours on end." He smiled at Marinette. "That was when I finally saw some light at the end of a long, dark tunnel that seemed to be smothering me. It was Chloé that managed to get me enrolled, her father pushing through the paperwork at her behest, and if it wasn't for that… I doubt I would be here today."
His final proclamation caused Marinette to look at Adrien in a whole new light, one that she'd never even considered before today. "I had no idea."
"Few did." Adrien admitted. "My father would have Nathalie do everything for me; make my schedule, purchase the gifts for my birthday, ensure that I ate, and was taking general care of myself after Chloé managed to inform them of how I was doing. It was only when they realized in those first few weeks that I wasn't eating, I barely drank anything, and I was so depressed all I wanted to do was sleep that they decided to take action. Chloé may have been the catalyst to why I'm still alive, but if it wasn't for Nathalie looking over me like a hawk, I doubt I would be here too."
Marinette didn't realize she had done it when she started nuzzling her cheek into his chest. "I'm so glad they did, if not then I would never have met you."
Adrien nodded, "That's one of the reasons why I smile when I come to school. I have friends now. People like you, Alya, and Nino, really do put a smile on my face." Wrapping her up in a hug, he rested his cheek on top of Marinette's head. "Every single day I come to school, it wipes away all of that pain I felt for so long. Yes, my father is still distant, but I have close friends I enjoy seeing, and school gets me out of the house. Those hours of the day are the happiest I have, and make me happy to be alive."
If you wish to read mine and CaulderPine's personal experiences, then please find them below. If not, then I simply thank you for reading our story and hope that it has made a difference.
Take it easy
Lady Rhi X and CaulderPine =^.^=
CaulderPine
When I first learned of what happened to Lady Rhi's friend, it reminded me of my own problems with extreme depression, PTSD, and the dark thoughts that nearly had me ending my life. The only reason why I didn't go through with it, though, was because I didn't want to hurt those that I love and that loved me.
A little background: Over the course of a year, I committed a crime that sent me to jail for five and a half months. Because of that I lost my wife, my only child, I had to pay thousands of dollars that I didn't have to a court system that was threatening to send me back to jail, and potentially to prison if I didn't pay. I was homeless, sleeping on my mother's couch since I had no job, no prospects for a job, and with what I had done I was seen as a liability. I had spoken with someone about my PTSD in the hopes of getting VA disability… but it had been months since then, and I hadn't heard anything.
After a rather heated discussion with my mother due to child support sending me threatening letters detailing jail and prison time on top of the previous court costs, I thought seriously about ending my own life. I couldn't sleep at night due to PTSD induced nightmares, my days were filled with regret, depression, worry, pain, and hopelessness. I hated myself, and just wanted to end it all.
The night I planned on committing suicide was the calmest I had ever felt. I was finally at peace with my decision. Saying goodnight to my mother, I pulled out the bottles of pills once I heard her snoring and just sat there, preparing to down all 50 Benadryl (15 would've done the job, but I wasn't thinking straight) I had just pulled out the caplets when my thoughts went to my wife and my daughter. At first, I thought they would be better without me, but then I had the mental image of them crying and screaming at the pain I caused them from my death. I imagined what my mother would do once she came out to find my lifeless body, how my brother would feel knowing that I (the youngest in the family) decided to die first. I thought about how my sisters, my father, my uncle, and what few friends I had made would say once they found out I was gone.
The guilt, the shame, all of it ate at me, and I realized that I couldn't do that to them. I put the pills back, and endeavored to do everything I could to change my lot in life. I managed to do odd jobs, paying as much to my bills as I could. I found out months later that my VA disability was approved, and I was able to pay both child support, and the court, off in less than a year. My life got better, slowly but surely, and even though I had a few minor hiccups along the way, I'm now with my wife, two daughters (and a third child on the way) and I've met people who I would never have if I had actually taken my life.
For me, things were about as bad as they could get. I was at rock bottom, and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was there. Specifically, I wrote Adrien's recollections of what happened as a lessened version of what I went through with my depression, but with much of the same feelings as what he may have gone through.
Lady Rhi
There have been many times in my life where committing suicide seemed to be the best option for myself and those around me. Each time however, I either reached out to Samaritans, such wonderful people who have talked me through everything and helped me see positives, or there has been something that managed to pull me back into a better frame of mind.
I have seen multiple therapists because of the state of my mental health, talked through the trauma I have been through and survived to fight another day. I fight my demons that used to make little sense to me, and have begun to process life events that I used to drown out through alcohol addiction and self harming. It has taken years, and I'm still not 100%, but I have survived molestation at the hands of someone who I thought loved me when I was 12; I have survived the many years of bullying through high school, both physical and mental; I have survived being married to an abusive monster; I have survived a boyfriend who thought strangling me was acceptable when I finally asked him to leave after countless times of being his punching bag.
So in my most bleakest moments, I have to remember, that I am strong… and extremely lucky to be here.
I have four beautiful children that need their mother.
I have two parents who tried for years to have a child and I finally pop along after they lost my stillborn sister 13 years earlier.
I have found the love of my life who is nothing like what I have previously experienced in a partner.
When my cousin died from cancer, we had also recently lost a family friend from suicide. It was back in 2012 when this happened, when my auntie spoke words that would remain with me for the rest of my life:
Both B and G fought for their lives and lost, but one of them could have been saved if only they hadn't hidden it.
So now, even in my worst moments, I think about how desperate my cousin was to fight for her life, and the fact that G could have still been around if only he had known that there were people there willing to support him.
If you have been affected by anything which has been included in this, please contact one of the numbers highlighted in the List of Suicide Crisis Lines on Wikipedia.
You are not alone