Chapter 10

There is no remedy to love but to love more. - Henry David Thoreau

It wasn't fun.

I quickly explained to Olaf that I had fainted and Elsa overreacted and brought me to the hospital.

I laughed. "I feel fine, though. Not faint-y at all."

Olaf didn't seem bothered. He shrugged, "Always better safe than sorry."

We meandered to the seating area together, Olaf launching into a full recount of his cousin's wedding. I worried my lip as my eyes darted between him and the twins.

I didn't really expect this to be a pleasant experience. Olaf was wonderful. He was kind and generous and thoughtful, everything someone could want in a friend. He was also loud and tactile and a little obnoxious. I loved him, so these things didn't bother me. They never really had; they were just parts of Olaf.

These were absolutely things that bothered Elsa.

I knew she'd have a problem with the touching. Even back when we were just friends, before… whatever we are now, Elsa had been a very territorial person.

As with Olaf, this was just a part of Elsa. It never really bothered me much. I actually kind of liked it, if I'm honest. It gave me some validation that she genuinely liked me and wanted me around, as pathetic as that sounds. Yet, it was sort of a problem now, what with Elsa glaring at Olaf like he should be burned at the stake.

It didn't really matter though, I knew she would hate him. Even if she didn't hate him she would force herself into it. And that wouldn't be a problem, because she would've hated him anyway just based on personality. Olaf was not Elsa's kind of person. I knew that before I had ever even thought about any kind of context where they would be together. Which was an entirely new problem for me.

Seeing Kristoff sitting on the other side of Olaf was like watching worlds collide. My two worlds, that couldn't have been more separate if they had existed in different universes.

"And then my uncle, not Nicole's dad, but the more drunk one, kicked one of the legs out from under the refreshment table and punch spilled right onto the bottom of the wedding cake and stained it red."Olaf's eyes were nearly bugging out of his head in excitement. I couldn't help but smile at him. "Oh my god, Anna, I swear you really missed out on experiencing this catastrophe with me. Just know that I'm going to be guilting you about it for at least a month. I mean seriously. You made me go to a wedding alone."

"I know, I know. I'd expect nothing less." I held my palms out in surrender. "I really am sorry, O-"

"No excuses!" He whined and fell into the seat beside me. Elsa instantly took the chair on my other side, her arms crossing stiffly across her chest. I might've laughed at her if the entire situation hadn't been so discombobulating. Chatting with Olaf while Elsa pouted beside me? It was almost as unnerving as realizing I'd burned Elsa.

Almost.

I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. "Honestly, you wouldn't believe the last few weeks I've had."

And I couldn't tell him about it either. I'd have to lie. I'd probably have to lie to him a lot before our conversation was over. I felt my heart give a squeeze. I loved Olaf. He was so good, just all the way through. I didn't deserve to have him in my life anyway, but to have to be dishonest with him now was almost more than I could stand. Also, he always knew when I was lying.

"Well, spill! I'm dying to know what had the most boring person I know vanish-"

"Anna is not boring." Elsa growled. She sat rigidly straight in her seat and stared at the ground. Olaf leaned over in a failed attempt to make eye contact with her. He had been making brave tries at connection with Elsa since I'd introduced him to the twins. She had not been… receptive, so far. He didn't seem that bothered.

"Oh I'm sure she's not boring with you." He wiggled his eyebrows and slid his eyes over to me. I felt my cheeks bloom in color. "If you're the same Elsa I've heard so much about-"

"Olaf." I cut him off, my voice cracking in embarrassment. "Shut up-"

I felt Elsa still beside me.

"Then I bet you all have been having lots of fun-"

"O." I punched him in the shoulder. "Stop. Talking."

"Wait, wait," Kris leaned forward out of his seat, grinning at Olaf. "She's talked about us?"

Olaf rolled his eyes. "More like she never stopped talking about you. Unless there is a different pair of beautiful blonde twins in her life-"

"Olaf, I swear to god, this is it. I will never speak to you again-"

Olaf let out a loud, single laugh. "Like you'd know what to do without me-"

"This must be good if Anna is threatening silence."

"You're next, Kris-"

But then it was too late.

"The first time Anna ever told me about Elsa she was so distracted describing her that she tripped over a stoop and broke her nose on the sidewalk-"

"Olaf!" I screeched, but it could barely be heard over Kristoff's laughter. I knew that would be the first one he'd bring up, it was one of Olaf's favorite stories even without having met the twins. He would often refer back to it when explaining to someone what a useless lesbian I was. Now, seeing exactly what Elsa looks like, I'm sure it made more sense to him.

Elsa had turned to look at me. She studied the shape of my nose, her eyebrows drawn together.

Olaf turned to give Kris his full attention, sensing an engaged audience. He was nothing if not a story teller.

"There was one time we walked past a girl on our way to the bar. She was on the other side of the street and I swear Anna spun around to look at her so fast she cracked her neck. I asked if she knew her and she said no, just that she liked her hair. I was confused about that one until today. It was dyed the same color as your sister's."

I hunched my shoulders up against my ears. My face was a flaming red, and I could feel Elsa's eyes on me.

Kristoff kept laughing and Olaf continued.

"Every time we went to a strip club Anna would just keep pointing out girls that 'looked kind of like Elsa.'" Olaf giggled. "She never got dances, she just drank."

"I'm going to commit murder." I grumbled to myself.

Kristoff gripped his stomach like it hurt and wheezed for breath.

"Like three months ago she stayed the night at my house and said Elsa's name in her sleep like four tim-"

"Okay!" I slapped a hand over Olaf's mouth, maybe a little harder than I should have. "Okay. Yeah, that's enough. No more."

Olaf and Kris both collapsed into laughter, a bond immediately formed over their combined enjoyment of my embarrassment. I was wishing to sink through the floor, straight into hell, when I felt the lightest press against my shoulder.

Elsa was smiling at me, a small but triumphant thing. Her eyes looked a little glassy. And suddenly I didn't feel so mortified.

Olaf struggled for words through his laughter. "And- and she never made out with our friend Honey," I felt my blood go cold. Or it was possibly just the violent drop in temperature right next to me. Elsa's eyes went flat and dark.

Olaf gasped for air around his giggles. "And she had every chance- and Honey is so into her, and- hahahaha- she always came onto her at the bar, and I - I always thought she just- hahaha - that she just didn't like brunettes- hahahahaha…"

So, obviously, I expected Elsa to be angry.

That is not what I got.

Instead she froze for a moment, then abruptly relaxed against the back of her chair, a satisfied little smile on her face. The temperature instantly corrected. She was definitely not looking at my eyes. Her fingers that had been light on my shoulder shifted over, to graze the skin of my neck. I stopped breathing, flushed for a new reason. Elsa's smile grew, and something like pride shimmered in her irises. She didn't even frown when I shifted away from her touch, still nervous about hurting her and also just because I couldn't handle her touching me right now. She merely slid her hand down to grip the back rest behind my shoulders. There was something very deliberate about the gesture. Her hand was a sign hanging on the chair: 'Mine.'

I would've rolled my eyes at her if I didn't find it stupidly attractive.

"I can't believe I'm actually meeting you two." Olaf rubbed at his eyes, barely recovered from his hysterics. "Anna always said you moved away while she was in high school. I thought you hadn't spoken in years. Are you visiting the city just to see her? How did you guys reconnect?"

Kristoff's laughter was suddenly a little nervous. I cleared my throat, prepared to direct Olaf's attention onto me. But I was as surprised as anyone when Elsa spoke up.

"Kris and I were coming to the city to take care of some family business. I knew Anna had moved here a few years ago and I looked her up." Elsa was looking at me, not Olaf, while she spoke, though her tone was at least polite. I felt like she was trying to show me the great sacrifice she was making by being cordial.

I rolled my eyes at her. She smiled and poked me between the shoulder blades.

"Oh, how sweet." Olaf beamed. "My poor little Anna is so lonely and mopey all the time. I always knew a girlfriend would cheer her up-"

"Olaf!" I hissed, the tops of my ears warming. "Will you please stop talking?"

But Elsa was frowning now, her eyebrows drawn up in the middle. "That doesn't sound like Anna."

Then it was Olaf's turn to look confused. "Anna? Please, she practically has a rain cloud hanging over her head."

He laughed but Elsa looked truly upset now.

"What-"

"O, how did Marsh do at his vet appointment?"

Olaf's eyes positively lit up. "Oh my God! I completely forgot to tell you, he had lost a pound and a half! Oh, and his joints…"

I ignored Elsa's eyes on me and smiled while Olaf rambled on about Marsh's improving health. I didn't know why I was so against it, but I really didn't want Kris and Elsa to know what I had been like while they were gone.

Part of it, I think, was shame. I had really become a shell of myself in the last few years. I didn't like to think about it. Didn't like to feel guilty about it. Because if I was honest I wasn't really a blast to be around. I didn't put any effort out. All my energy was spent being sad or angry. Why the fuck was Olaf even friends with me? I couldn't remember the last time we went to the bar together where I didn't leave hours before he wanted to. And I'd always offer to go home alone, and he'd never let me. Because he was always determined to include me, even if it meant he had no fun.

You don't deserve him. You don't deserve any of them.

"... but now he's up to date on everything. I just have to keep up with his grooming, and it's hard, you know. Cause the groomer won't see him anymore cause of the biting and scratching and-"

"I'm glad he's okay." I cut him off. Not to be rude, I just sensed a spiral coming on.

"Well, you know he misses you! Your visits always make him feel better. When are you coming back home, anyway? I thought you said Tuesday." Olaf pulled out his signature puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah." And my voice cracked. Elsa discreetly pressed her fingers against my back in support. I cleared my throat.

"Y-yeah, it might be… a little longer than that-"

A shrill beep cut through the air, and Olaf's hand instinctively shot to his hip, smacking against a small black bar attached to his waistband.

"Shoot, my beak is over." He whined and shut the alarm off.

And I watched while he fiddled with the little device, trying desperately to swallow the lump in my throat. How could I do this? I can't do this. There is no way. This might be the last time I see him. It could be the last time I hear his stupid voice.

Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes, and before I knew what I was doing I had shot up from my seat, throwing my arms around his neck.

Olaf, never one to pass up a hug, wasted barely a second on his confusion before squeezing me back.

"Hey, you should vacay more often! I think you like me better this way." He laughed and I almost sobbed.

"I love you, okay O?"

And I could hear his confusion, but he squeezed me harder. "I love you too, Red."

And then he fidgeted. "Buuuut.. I really gotta go, I'll get in trouble."

"Course. 'M sorry." I gave him a watery smile before taking a step back and directing my gaze over his shoulder. "I'll see you around."

Olaf was distracted by now, leaning down to search in his pockets. "Yeah, call me later, okay? I need to know how long I'm watching your plants."

"You don't have to anymore." I said, but he was already jogging away, waving at me while he clipped his badge to his shirt. I watched him until his back disappeared through the swinging door with the other nurses. The second he was out of sight I felt my heart drop.

"I liked him." Kris chuckled to himself. "I can't believe I actually liked him."

"Everyone likes Olaf." I whispered, and I felt my breath catch.

"Anna.." Elsa sounded… weird. Embarrassed? I searched her face "I'm… I'm sorry-

"Hart!" A voice called from the far corner. An elderly nurse was leaning through the door, a kind smile on her face. "Ms. Anna Hart!"

And all grief over Olaf was wiped from my mind to make way for panic.

"No, no, I can't fucking do this-"

"Hey." Elsa grabbed my shoulders and crouched down to meet my eyes. "I'm coming with you. It's going to be okay."

"Els, I don't even think they'll let you-"

She laughed loudly. "We'll see."

"Anna Hart!" The nurse called again, a little less patient now.

But Elsa was with me. So I took a heavy inhale and started for the door.

The beeping of the heart monitor was irritating. I could focus on nothing else. The incessant, piercing beep felt more like the smash of a hammer against my brain.

"Can't they fucking shut it off by now? How much more do they need?"

"They're just making sure your heart is operating properly. It won't be much longer now."

Elsa squeezed my ankle from her seat at the end of the hospital bed. Her smile was just soothing enough for me to resist ripping the plug from the wall.

If I was honest with myself, we'd probably only been in the room for a half hour. The nurses immediately instructed me to lay down while they strapped little electronic scanners to my arm and chest. I could barely stop myself from swatting they're hands aside. I despised the feeling of latex gloves against my skin, and the smell of antiseptic was overwhelming. They assured me I would be all right, and that they just needed to check for any injuries I might've sustained in my fall. The heart monitor was just a precaution, barely even necessary.

Elsa stared while the nurse prodded my skull and neck, searching for spots of tenderness. When she pressed her fingers to the back of my head I winced lightly, but it was enough that the nurse noticed.

"We'll have the doctor double check you for concussions."

Elsa's eyebrows pinched together.

"And you said you have no history of fainting? You weren't engaged in any sort of physical activity?"

"No." I muttered. "I was just standing there."

I hadn't seen the doctor yet, but I got the distinct impression from the nurses that there was most likely absolutely nothing wrong with me. Which just made the whole situation that much more embarrassing and frustrating.

"Have you been drinking or using any illegal substances in the recent past?"

I snorted. "Yeah, I'm high as a kite-"

But Elsa glared at me and I choked on my comment.

"Um, no. I haven't."

I thought I saw the nurse roll her eyes a bit.

"Are you taking any medications?"

There was a long pause.

"Yes." I said. I stared at the floor while giving the nurse my prescription and dosage details.

"Okay." The nurse flipped through her clipboard, looking quite bored at this point. "The doctor will be in to see you shortly."

The silence after her departure was deafening. Elsa was doing that thing where she was staring at me like I was a textbook; like there was something she'd be able to understand if she studied closely enough. I shrunk a bit under her gaze, because it felt slightly different this time, there was an edge to her expression. And I recognized it almost as soon as I saw it.

Concern. Worry.

Pity.

And it made me feel sick.

"Go ahead." I muttered, crossing my arms and fixing my gaze to her feet. I felt my neck warm with shame.

"What?" Her voice was soft, careful.

I almost laughed. "Go ahead and ask me."

"Ask you what, Anna?"

"Ask if I'm okay." I glared harder at the floor.

And I knew Elsa would know what I meant. She knew me too well. Better than Olaf. Better than anyone, really. She'd known me back then, a long time before I'd gotten good at pretending I wasn't angry or upset. And because of that, I had a hard time pulling up my guard for her. She made me feel young and emotional again. She made everything feel as raw as it had in high school. And the shame, the embarrassment, was definitely something I hadn't missed.

When everyone knew about you before they knew you, that was rarely a good thing. It meant you had a story, you had a history that singled you out. It didn't always have to be bad, but mine was.

And when that's the case, you have to be careful. You have to be strong. Because everyone expects you to be fucked up. Everyone knows you'll have issues. And so you've got to spend all your time, your whole life, proving them wrong.

It makes judgement seem inevitable. It makes pity intolerable.

"Anna." Elsa's voice called me, pleaded with me. I looked up.

And I should've known that her eyes would be as clear and light as the sky. I should've known there would be no assessment, no assumption in her face. It would only ever be pure concern with Elsa, because she knew. She felt it too.

"I would never-"

"I know." I shook my head, already embarrassed again. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just- this place, and- everything with Olaf-" I took a deep breath. "I don't want you to think less of me."

And she crouched down to be at eye level with me, her fingers pressing, light as a feather, against the skin of my ankle. She smiled her crooked smile, looking like she could almost laugh.

"I'm not the most articulate-"

"Oh, shut up." I chuckled at her absurdity.

"But in case something was missed here, and I haven't properly conveyed it, there is literally no way I could ever think less of you." Her eyes sparkled a little. She smiled at my smile; I blushed. "I actually wanted to apologize."

Then it was my turn to look surprised. "For what?"

Apologizing wasn't exactly a common act for Elsa. And now that she was closer, I noticed she did look a little… sheepish.

"For the way I treated your… friend. Olaf." She took a deep breath.

"It was stupid. Immature. He is good to you. Good for you. Maybe better for you than… me." And she held up a silent hand to stop my protest. "I know you don't think so. But… I should've known… should've prepared myself. For you having relationships, that is. You are so good and kind and thoughtful and…"

She shook her head, offering me a rueful smile. "How could you not have friends? Honestly, I'm surprised you don't have more. I'm surprised you're not…"

And she trailed off. Her smile fell further, until it didn't exist at all.

"I feel… frankly, like a bit of an idiot. For not assuming you'd already have a life of your own. A much better one than I could give you. Full of people and love. I always told myself that's what I wanted for you. To move on, to live normally, to be happy." Her voice hardened. "And it was a lie. To make me feel better. Like I'm not selfish, like I wouldn't rather you be unhappy, because I wasn't around."

She sounded so… ashamed. So vulnerable. It was one of those things that reminded me she was human. And that she wasn't much older than me. It also made me desperately wish I wasn't scared to touch her. The urge to comfort, to soothe her hurt away, was nearly painful to resist.

She sighed heavily, sounding defeated. "I knew I'd come back. I knew all along I wasn't strong enough… I'd never stay away."

"Elsa, I didn't want you to-"

"And that's the point." She spit. But the anger was all inward, pulsing and retracting back to her like breaths. "I knew you didn't, and it made me... happy. I wanted, so desperately, for you to miss me. For you to want me, more than anyone else. For you to..."

I blushed, because it was true. And Elsa had said it so assuredly, like she knew without a shadow of a doubt how I felt about her. I'd known I wasn't exactly subtle, but still.

"I don't want to…" I could almost hear Elsa grinding her teeth together. "It is… difficult for me. Sharing you."

And my blush bloomed like fire, the tips of my ears practically steaming. For a second our kiss flashed through my mind. Elsa's cool palms against my waist, her hair brushing my neck, her teeth on my skin-

Was it possible that was only this morning? How could it seem like such a lifetime ago? How could the regret of everything in between suddenly hit me like a knife if the chest? The fire in my throat, in my head. The heat of my palms against her skin, burning her. The sickening familiarity of her stretched, pink wrists. The panic, the instant, paralyzing fear of hurting her. The torture of not being able to touch her, just when I had started to.

How could I possibly maintain the distance between us that I needed to feel like she was safe?

How, when she said things like this, that made me feel like she was air and I was drowning?

"But… you're you." And her smile was suddenly brilliant, blinding. "People want you. Of course they do. And if they're… good people, if they deserve you…" her eyes glanced down, briefly lingering on my mouth. I stopped breathing. "I can share. I can be nice."

It was quiet. I couldn't tell if she was waiting for me to respond, but there was no way that was going to happen. It wasn't the first time I wished that I could know what she was thinking. I wished to know what was happening in her head while her eyes studied, surveyed. What was she gathering? What was her determination?

"Could I…" her voice was soft, hopeful. A little heartbreaking.

She leaned toward me, like she couldn't help it. My heart started to race. The beep of the monitor seemed quieter. My fingertips tingled and twitched. She grew still; I watched it happen. She would push no further.

But I was weak.

"Please," I whispered and rose forward.

She met me half way, her lips, soft as clouds against mine.

It was the same, but also completely different. It made me wonder, briefly, if kissing Elsa would be something I ever got used to.

I seriously doubted it.

The fire was still there. It licked its way under my skin, spreading and consuming. The heart monitor's beep jumped into double time. I felt Elsa grin a little, and the heart travelled south, to warm my belly.

But it was softer now. Her hands cradled my jaw like it was glass, her fingertips barely brushing my hairline. There was no frenzy, no ravenous, bruising rush. This felt like comfort. It felt like lazy, confident victory. And when one of her hands slid down the length of my neck, her thumb tracing across the bulge of my collarbone, it felt content. Like that was all she'd ever need. Just to be allowed to touch.

And she told me as much, not a second later when our lips parted for air. She leaned her forehead against mine, her hand still cradling, her thumb still tracing.

"Just let me stay close?" She whispered. "You don't have to touch me. You can have as long as you need. Just… let me stay?"

She slid her palm down, over my heart.

Sometimes, nothing felt better than losing.

"Always." I nodded. "For as long as you want to."

But Elsa didn't smile. Her face was deadly serious, her eyes boring into mine. "I'm always going to want to, Anna. Forever."

The way she said it sounded like a warning. And I probably should've taken it that way. I could feel hope rising dangerously in my chest. All the weight of it, all it's potential to crush me, and I assessed the damage it would cause.

And decided it was worth it. It would always be worth it

I would've asked her to promise, if it hadn't already sounded like one.

I'm always going to want to, Anna.

To me, it was music. And nothing, not even laying in a hospital bed, could dampen the sudden, intense surge of glee that swept through me. I felt like singing. I might've even taken flight. (Hey, crazier things had happened. Just today, in fact.)

But instead I just smiled so wide it made my cheeks hurt. I wouldn't ruin this moment with my own heaviness. I would do what did best. Distract with bad humor.

"Sounds good to me. Plus, you'll probably live longer than me anyway. You have more to worry about than I do."

She laughed and swatted at my shoulder. "I doubt that."

"What? You think you'll pull all the ladies in the nursing home?" I grinned when she laughed harder. "You'd be a hot grandma, I could see it."

She covered her smile with one hand, her other reaching back to brush against my ankle again. "I disagree, but that's not what I meant in any case. I doubt I'll live much longer than you."

I rolled my eyes. "It's okay, Els. Kris already told me all about your spirit-y traits." She raised her eyebrows, like she didn't believe that. "In case you forgot, humans only have around 80 good years in them."

She chuckled, though the sound was a little darker than before. "Trust me, I am well aware of that fact."

"So, you're gonna have a decade or so to get your rocks off after I'm gone." I wiggled my eyebrows at her. I didn't like that she'd stopped laughing. I wanted the sound to come back. "What kind of old ladies are you into?"

She snorted. "Whatever kind looks most like you, I suppose."

I blushed, but she didn't seem to notice, her smile going a little sad. "Anna, do you honestly think I'm going to linger around after you're gone?"

And a small sliver of dead slunk through my stomach, dampening my joy. "What are you talking about?"

But she was saved from explaining herself when the door swung open.

"Ms. Hart?" A man, I assumed the doctor, smiled kindly at me. His teeth were straight and gleaming white. "How are you feeling?"

We were discharged from the hospital before the hour was up. There wasn't anything wrong with me. Not that the doctor could find anyway. Not even a mild concussion. And I would've been more irritated if it wasn't obvious how comforted Elsa was by the whole thing.

Kristoff had laughed and poked fun while we'd loaded back into the van. And Elsa didn't even hear him. She opened my door for me and shut it gently closed while Kris groaned his disgust from the driver's seat. She slid into the back with a wide, stupid grin. I laughed at her a little, and she just smiled wider.

She leaned her chin against the shoulder of my seat, and I could feel her exhales rush over my skin. She laughed when I flushed, and discreetly wrapped her arm around the other side of the chair, out of Kristoff's sight, her fingertips just grazing the skin where my neck met my shoulder. The van rattled out onto the highway, and I could see the skyline in the rearview mirror.

And I didn't fight her, obviously.

I didn't even want to.

The opposite, in fact. I wanted her to keep touching me forever, to hell with caution. I didn't know what had happened. The twins didn't know what had happened. None of it made the slightest bit of sense. I was tired of being confused. Was I a human? A spirit? Did I have powers? What did it all mean? How could any of it be possible?

And most surprising of all, why didn't I care all that much anymore?

The answer was in Elsa's quiet hum, her eyelids drooping closed while she rhythmically brushed at my skin. It was her contented sigh as we pulled outside the edge of the city, her relaxing further into my chair, her windswept bangs brushing against my cheek. It was the heat I felt under my skin that wasn't scary, just warm.

The answer was this.

And so, while the van rattled over potholes and Kristoff sang to pop songs on the radio and Elsa's fingers idly ran across my skin and the city disappeared into smog behind us, I smiled.

I didn't know what would happen. But I'd have this.

I'd have Elsa. Like she said.

Forever.

Thank you to the people who send me encouraging messages occasionally. I appreciate you so much, and this story is for you. I don't know when it will get done, and life is super crazy all the time, but I'll finish it because of you guys.