Chapter 11

I guess what scares me most now is the thought that I won't be able to protect you. - Julia Hoben

Things were good.

Some things were… really good actually.

We had been back at the Box for three days now. It felt like a brand new life.

Elsa and I were… well, we hadn't exactly talked about it, but we were something. Since we had left the hospital, things had been different. There was no more dancing around, no more dodging, no more misunderstandings and things left unsaid. Everything sat out in the bright, stark light of the Box. We were something. Something serious, something very real.

And as useless as I was I could rarely stop myself from touching her. My resolve lasted less than a day; Elsa was quite convincing. Even when she hadn't been doing anything I could hardly resist, but she was doing… things. Just to make me want to more. She said she wasn't, but I knew. There was no way her body just moved like that, not without her doing some kind of spirity magic charm on me. I confronted her about it yesterday. She laughed for a long time, and then kissed me for a longer time.

Honestly, it might've just been that I felt like I could look at her all I wanted to now, and the overexposure was more than I could handle. But it was easier for me to just blame her. She held my hand constantly. If she wasn't touching me she wasn't satisfied. I got to play with her hair now, like I'd thought about for literal years, and it was so soft and she let me run my fingers through it whenever I wanted. I would've been scared to but the first time I tried it she leaned heavily into my hand until her whole top half was draped over me, practically purring. I felt like I was glowing, blissfully relieved to finally be close to her. I kept pinching myself, just to be sure this wasn't some elaborate fantasy I had crafted. But each time I did Elsa would smile at me or grab my hand, just to be sure that there was no denying. And I, being me, was still a bit nervous that I was reading too much into things, or that Elsa wasn't as serious about this as I was. But her declaration at the hospital sang through my head every hour or so.

I'm always going to want to, Anna.

And would quickly snuff out my doubts whenever they arose. Still, I knew I wanted to talk about things. Directly. I liked identifying things, I liked having clear standards and expectations; it made it easier to avoid disappointment. So my intention had been to have the discussion with her at the first opportunity. There was, however, a slight problem with that.

We couldn't get past the first minute of a conversation without jumping on each other

We had kissed 9 different times, six of which were significant make out sessions with touching. Not that I was keeping track or anything. Not that I absolutely couldn't think of anything else for more than a couple of minutes. Not that I was hiding bite marks by buttoning my flannel all the way up. Not that Kristoff was very nearly getting physically sick of us to the point where he would sometimes just go outside and stand in the small field outside the Box, staring at nothing.

The last time was this morning. I had pulled Elsa into the bathroom with only the best intentions, while Kristoff was busy paying attention to the bacon.

"What's wrong?" She whispered, throwing her arm over my head to close the door behind me. When I turned to face her, noticed the way she was standing, the way she was looking at me, my mind kind of skipped to other places.

"I, um," I swallowed and couldn't help but glance at her lips, as they were coincidentally very close to mine. She noticed. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Yeah?" She took a step closer, nearly touching me.

I pressed my palm against her stomach, kind of to stop her advance but also because I really wanted to.

"Y-yeah."

"About?" She grinned when my hand fell lower to hook my fingers through her belt loop.

"Give me a second to remember." I muttered.

She laughed quietly and looped her arm around the small of my back, yanking my body forward against hers. My hands moved to grip around the back of her neck for support. She smiled at that and brushed the tip of her nose against mine. "Take your time."

"Uh," I tried, but her mouth had already dropped to my ear, placing light kisses on the corner of my jaw. "I-I think it w-was-"

I sucked in a sharp breath when her teeth grazed my earlobe, then fell onto my neck, behind my ear. Elsa had discovered the spot a few days ago and hadn't left it alone since. Her hand ran down my back, her thumb coming beneath the hem of my shirt to trace the waistband of my jeans.

"You're cute." She laughed against my neck. "Come on, princess. Use your words."

I almost started drooling. "You're such an ass-"

And then she slid her hand down, fingers slipping just under my waistband. I could no longer breathe; my fingernails digging into her neck. The heat under my skin began to hum in excitement.

And Kristoff's muffled voice called from the kitchen, "Wow, I wonder where everyone is? Can't believe the food is all done and waiting to be eaten. Hmm, how strange."

Elsa instantly turned into stone, her eyes narrowing to slits as she glared at the source of the noise. I took the opportunity to catch my breath, realizing I had been holding it for some time. Judging by the look on her face, if Kristoff had been directly in front of her I think she might've frozen him on the spot. But instead she took a deep breath, released me with a soft kiss to my temple, and we ate breakfast with Kris in only the slightest bit of shame.

That is generally how all our conversations had gone for the last couple of days. I was quickly reaching that point of desperation I'd been at before the hospital, and it felt like everything had changed and nothing had at all.

And aside from that I also needed to talk to Elsa about several other things. (That, if I'm honest, we're probably a little more pressing than our 'relationship' conversation.) For one, we hadn't talked about my being a…something that wasn't human, at all. None of us. I got the feeling that Elsa had said something to Kristoff about it one night when she was supposed to be on watch.

He avoided the subject entirely. Elsa pretended like nothing had happened, discreetly healing herself while doing the dishes on our first night back. I didn't want to bring it up because I was busy enjoying… other things. And also because the more I thought about it, the more massive my headache became. But the issue was getting more pressing as each day went by. I had begun to feel a near constant, buzzing heat beneath my skin. It wasn't bad; more like extra energy, or the heat of the sun. It was actually kind of pleasant if I didn't think about how I could feel it moving through me even when I didn't want to. Then I would feel it shift and grow or shrink and I realized that it moved with me, responded to me. It felt too alive, too volatile and separate. It felt like I had discovered a new body part, and I had never really experienced something so completely unnerving before. was quickly beginning to feel like a stranger to myself, something I was not comfortable with.

For starters, this was my own fucking body, goddammit. How could it be… hiding something like this from me? That was the only way I could think about it. Like my own body had its secrets that it was just now clueing me in on. I tried, and failed, repeatedly to search my childhood for similar instances to hurting Elsa, or to this strange, ever present heat I now felt, something that could possibly have warned me that this might crop up. But that only revealed a new issue that I hadn't been aware of.

My childhood seemed… fuzzy. There were big hunks of my life that I couldn't remember at all, years that seemed as if they'd been plucked right out of my head and thrown away. When did that happen? Was it just because of the trauma of the fire? Why would that have affected the years before? It was even more difficult to tell because I had spent the last several years trying desperately to wipe my childhood from my brain. I didn't want to think about the good times; it just made the bad times seem worse. It was only now that I realized I had accomplished what I'd always wanted. I couldn't remember anything. I didn't remember my birthdays, my childhood pets. I had one Christmas that I could recall, one visit with my relatives, before the fire. And my dad… I couldn't even remember his face.

I had tried so hard to not think about him for so many years. Now all I could see was gently curling brown hair and large, warm hands that would rest on my shoulder. His eyes, his smile, the sound of his voice, all of it was gone. My aunt and uncle had a family reunion picture framed in their house. I remember looking at it when I had gone to live with them, thinking about how small I looked. None of our possessions had survived the fire. They told me it was maybe the only picture of my family left. I had been young, only two, with my hair just as fiery and wild in a tiny bow on my head. My mom had looked… like herself, like me, smiling. But my dad, what had his face looked like? I remember thinking he was handsome, and that he looked kind. And that was it. The sting of failure was unbearable. The only thing my mother had asked of me, the last thing she'd said before she stopped saying anything, "Remember!". And I deliberately disobeyed her, to the point where I could scarcely remember anything at all, even her.

And that was another big thing. I still hadn't told the twins about my nightmare from weeks before, and I was quickly becoming absolutely certain that it was a memory. I had tried to convince myself that it couldn't be true, that I was merging my past and present while I slept. But it wouldn't leave me alone. It had happened; I knew it had. My mother had said "Kolai", she had said "Arendelle", she had begged me not to forget. It only made more sense now that I had hurt Elsa. She had known something, my parents had known something. They'd been involved with spirits somehow. They were something. Which meant… that I was too? And my mom had been trying to tell me, right from the beginning, except now she was too damaged to ever tell me anything again.

I was terrified to tell them. To tell Elsa.

I didn't want to confirm any of it, though I had already to myself. I didn't want to have to have a conversation about it. I didn't want any of it to be true. And Elsa…it was difficult to explain how I felt.

For years, since the day I had met her actually, my truest want had been to be with her. In whatever way she would have me, even if that meant she didn't want me the way that I wanted her. Except it had seemed, right from the beginning, that she might feel what I felt, she might want what I want. I would just be patient, I had told myself. I would just be careful with her. I would give her however much time she needed, as long as she'd let me stick around. And it seemed like that might actually work; I might actually get her, if given enough time. She liked me. A lot. I could tell. Even if it wasn't as much as I liked her. I just had to keep going, just for a little while longer. And it's not like it was a chore, being around her was the only thing I wanted to do anyway. I was so happy.

But then she was gone. Suddenly, tragically, completely. Gone in an, I'll never see her again way. In a she could be dead way. And I didn't cope. Not even a little bit. The only effort I made at all was to eat and drink enough to not die. People had been worried about me, talked about how I was 'sick'. There was medicine, doctors, therapists, conferences, consultations. And I sat through it all, still thinking about her, still putting every ounce of energy I had left to pray that she was okay somewhere, alive somewhere, and would come back. She would come back for me. I had no doubt.

But she didn't. And I privately decided she must be dead, because there was no way she wouldn't come back for me if they were okay. Except they were okay; they were deliberately staying away. And I had been resentful about that, even after I understood that it was for me. I had forgiven, but it stung. Because it confirmed something for me. Elsa could do what I could not. Elsa could leave me. She had that will within her.

That fear, the debilitating heartbreak, would kill me. Because this time would be worse. This time I knew what it was like to have everything I'd ever wanted with her. I knew what she felt like, what she tasted like, what her voice sounded like breathless and hungry. What she looked like when she wanted me. And to lose that, the thought of it, made my chest feel pinched and breathless with pain. Each time I thought of it the fire would sear and burn beneath my skin until it was nearly unbearable.

What if I told her and it changed how she felt? What if it made her angry or scared? What if she thought the right thing to do would be to leave? To protect her brother and herself? What if she hated me for keeping it from her? I wouldn't even be able to blame her. Everything was finally going perfectly, leave it to me to ruin it all.

And even aside from everything else, we were supposed to be leaving. In fact, we were already supposed to be gone. I knew Elsa had quietly extended our stay. Just as another form of apology for the whole Olaf situation. Which was both thoughtful and risky. Except now it was seeming more and more like leaving, flying across the world, wasn't going to solve any of this. Not as long as I was with the twins.

The Kolai wasn't wrong; they had been right all along. They were looking for me, specifically. I still didn't know exactly why, but I did know that I would have to be running for the rest of my life, and so would they as long as they were involved with me. I hadn't slept more than a few hours in the last days, laying awake at night thinking over how to broach all of this, how to get Elsa to understand. How to figure out what I needed to do next. These were things that I couldn't ignore any longer.

So yeah, some things were really good.

Some things were also really not good.

And so I did the only thing I knew to do. I avoided; I denied. Until, today at least.

It was our fourth morning. Elsa had made French toast. Kris and I were happily chowing down. She was pouring some coffee for herself.

And then my cell phone rang.

My fork clattered loudly where I dropped it against my plate. I hadn't been using my cell phone for days; I hadn't gotten a call in over two weeks. The last time I'd even spoken with anyone was to send in my resignation with an apology to Oaken, and that had been through email. I didn't talk on the phone often, preferring generally to text. In fact, one of the only people that still insisted on always calling was-

"It's Rapunzel." I murmured, staring at the screen. Her little icon was the last picture we'd taken together at Thanksgiving last year. She had a fake Turkey perched on her head while she smiled; I looked like I was trying to be annoyed.

Elsa grew very still, slowly lowering her coffee cup to the counter. Her face was a little strange, like she was trying not to look scared. She squeezed her hands together, her eyebrows pinched as she stared. Kris looked back and forth between us as it rang.

"You have to answer it." He shrugged. "It'll be worse if they don't hear from you."

I shot one last helpless look at Elsa before pressing the green accept button.

"H-hey Punz."

"Anna!" She shouted through the phone, I cringed a little and held it further from my ear. "How has my favorite little sister been?!"

I laughed. "Not as good as you, I'm sure."

She giggled. "Ordinarily, I would tell you not to be so self-deprecating, but in this case you happen to be right."

I started in confusion. "What do you-"

"WE SET A DATE!" She screamed and I winced again, though now it was through a smile.

"Oh my god, you and Flynn? When?"

"Three months! October 15th! At the little chapel down the road from mama and papa's house. Remember?" And she sounded so dreamy, so happy, I found myself grinning for her, not even having to fake it.

"Yes, it's perfect. I'm so happy for you, Punzie!"

"You sound happy. Happier than usual." She giggled. And then it was wiped away in less than a second. "I expect to see you there! I couldn't wait to tell you!"

I froze, the phone nearly slipping from my limp fingers. "O-Oh? Okay, yeah, I'll-I'll just have to see if… I can ask off for work. You know, October is pretty busy for us, uh, so-"

"You wouldn't have to help with anything!" She quickly assured me, already feeling my hesitance. "I've got the dress you wore for graduation, I've already got all the invites and the seating planned out and the catering taken care of. You wouldn't have to worry about anything but being there!"

The panic set in. "Punz, I'm not so good at events, you know, dresses look like shit on me, I talk too much. I-I wouldn't want to embarrass-"

"Anna." Punzie used her serious voice, the one she only pulled out when she was about to really guilt me. "I haven't seen you in almost a year. I want my family there. I want you there. I want to celebrate with you."

"Punz, I-" I was a bit surprised to realize I was almost crying. Jesus, what was wrong with me lately? "Can-can I get back to you about it? After I confirm everything?"

There was a pause.

"Okay." The sound of her disappointment was painful. "Yeah, Anna, that's okay. Just call me… when you can, okay?"

"Sure, Punz, of course. I'm sorry-"

But the line had gone quiet; she'd already hung up.

This is never going to end.

"Anna?" Elsa's voice was careful. I realized I was still frozen with the phone pressed to my ear.

"She asked me to come to her wedding. It's in October." I answered, my voice a bit hollow.

Kris and Elsa were very quiet. I wanted them to have something to say, even though I knew they wouldn't. And so I found myself quite irritated, while also knowing it was pointless to be.

"I guess I have time to come up with a good excuse." I said, a little rougher than I meant to, but the silence was grating on my nerves.

I thought I saw Elsa wince a little, but I couldn't be sure. It made me feel bad. And then I was angrier because I didn't want to feel bad. I wanted everyone else to feel bad.

"I'm going to go take a shower." I decided, mostly because I didn't want to say anything mean to somebody.

I knew they would talk about me while I was gone, they'd try and decide what they would say to make me feel better. But I wasn't going to let them get it out. I had things to say. Definitely things that were long overdue to be discussed. I was making a sacrifice, so were they. It's imperative that everything be laid out on the table for all to see. And if they… wanted to go, after we spoke about everything, I'd have to let them.

And so while I showered, I made lists in my head. Topics of discussion, things that must be touched on. I organized my thoughts as I calmed. So when I emerged 30 minutes later, I felt quite responsible, if not also quite depressed.

That is until I saw Elsa, sitting cross cross on the floor less than two feet from the door. I almost smacked her with it when I swung it open. She shot up from the ground, grabbing my fingers in hers.

"Anna- I'm sorry." Her eyes were bright with sincerity; her voice quiet but fervent. "Really, I've been an idiot; avoiding… things, because it scares me. It's a bad habit of mine. But I- I don't want to do that with you. I want us to be good, always."

She offered me a small smile and I felt my insides melt like warm honey, at the same time dread sat in my stomach like lead.

Oh my god, I'm in love with her, I can't do this.

I smiled softly before leaning forward to press my lips to the side of her neck. I inhaled, just memorizing her scent, and I heard her breath catch. Her surprise melted in seconds and just as she slipped her hands into my hair to hold me still I ducked away. I felt a little out of control, it probably wasn't a good idea for me to be too close to her. She stood frozen for a moment, flushed bright pink.

Mischievousness lit up her face and she grinned when her hand shot out to catch my wrist. I squealed as she yanked me back into her arms, laughing in spite of myself while she peppered small kisses along the side of my face.

"Guys, guys, this is one of the things we need to talk about. This is one of my hard limits." Kris groaned from the kitchen, covering his eyes. Elsa huffed but released me, keeping her pinkie wrapped around mine. My heart gave a harsh, painful squeeze. "Is it safe to look?"

"Oh, shut up Kris. We weren't even doing anything." Elsa winked at me.

"You don't have a good grasp on the definition of anything." Kris snickered. "Plus, if I didn't put a stop to it you guys would be distracted for the rest of your lives."

Elsa paused, considering. "You might actually be right."

I blushed to the roots of my hair.

"God, I'm gonna be sick."

"Okay, okay." I patted Kris on the shoulder, seeing an opportunity for distance. "Don't worry, we will be good."

I walked around to the opposite side of the counter from Elsa and gave him a smile. "See?"

"Thank you." He sighed. Elsa pouted at me from around his shoulder and I tried to ignore her.

"Okay. Um," I began, psyching myself up. I truly felt like I could vomit at any second. My heart was beating a rapid tempo in my chest. But I wanted to come across as very collected, resolved. I would never feel ready. It was now or not at all. "I- I need to say a few things."

The twins nodded, both turning to give me their attention. My heart gave a painful thump when Elsa smiled at me. I gulped another deep breath, trying to make my tongue work.

"So, I had a nightmare." I started.

I saw Kris slide his eyes over to Elsa, like he wanted to know if it was okay to laugh at me. "I know, I know, but hear me out. We haven't talked about what happened. We haven't talked about…" and my eyes slid over to Elsa, down her arms. "What I did."

"Anna, it didn't-" But when I held my hand up Elsa stopped her defense instantly. I appreciated that. It would be hard enough for me to get through this in the first place.

"I hurt you. I did. And even if you're not upset with me, we can't just ignore it. It happened." I paused. My stomachs gave a hideous lurch. I savored one last look from Elsa, politely patient, no anger, no fear.

"I- I think I know why."

She was instantly alert, shooting up from her position leaned against the counter. I winced at the motion, I couldn't tell if she noticed. "What do you mean?"

"That's what I was talking about. My nightmare… it's really more of a memory. One that I'd forgotten."

Images flashed through my head like rapid fire. Smoke billowing blackly into gray clouds, falling snow melting in midair, orange flames rising to lick through the sky. My mom, her seared skin, her dead eyes.

"It's a memory about the fire. I dream about it all the time, and it's always usually the same."

The room had grown unnaturally quiet. The twins were both still, focused on me. This was something I didn't talk about often, or ever, actually. I knew, though they'd never ask, they had both always been curious about the situation, wanted to know more.

"When it happened, I was on the school bus, on my way home, and I heard the kids talking about a house on fire. Then I realized it was mine. So I ran off the bus, yelling for my parents. And that's always where the dream ends. But that's not where it ended the last time."

My fingers trembled in my lap, I tried to squeeze them together to keep still.

"Last time, last week, it kept going. Or, I guess I remembered more. Something you said jogged my memory. That name, Arendelle."

The temperature in the room shot down to freezing. Elsa's composure slipped, quietly. Ice grew in tiny ringlets where her fingertips were pressed onto the counter. I avoided her eyes, my heart kicked into overdrive. I nearly felt like I could faint.

"I- I had forgotten. Mostly, I think. I had wanted to forget. But I kept running this time. I made it to the house. And my mom stopped me in the front yard." My voice shook. "She was hurt, burned. And she was acting- different. She scared me. But she- she was trying to tell me something when the cops tackled her. While he was pulling me away she was screaming at me."

And I looked up at Elsa, saw her shaking her head. I realized she knew what I would say, of course she did. She knew everything.

"'The Kolai, the Kolai. You are an Arendelle.'"

There was silence. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Elsa was a frozen statue, the ice had grown around a foot out from each of her fingers. Kris didn't speak, looking to be deep in thought. I felt a tiny shiver of hope when I realized he didn't look mad.

"I- I tried to forget what happened for a long time. I guess I didn't realize that it had kind of worked. I-I'm sorry. I should've told you last week, but I wasn't even sure if it was true. Until now. U-Until I burned you."

"No." Elsa spoke to the floor, her head hanging low. Frost began to creep over the edge of the counter, spreading in jagged spikes. I leaned back from them; the cold was vicious, alive. "No, no, no."

Here it comes.

It was happening. My heart squeezed so painfully I gasped, struggling for breath. Fire spread underneath my skin, scorched into my chest. I realized immediately that I wasn't as strong as I had thought. I would beg her. Earnestly. It was almost funny that I had assumed I would be able to resist.

"E-Elsa, please- please, don't-"

"Wait." She stayed frozen, her voice deadly serious. "Just- Give me a moment. Please?"

I planted my feet, obeying her. I noticed my hands had scorched the bottom of my shirt where I had been squeezing it in fear. I tried to brush off the blackened prints but they were burned into the material. I felt the first few tears begin to fall.

But then the spiked frost slowly retreated back toward Elsa's fingers. Her shoulders trembled; it looked to be a great effort. They shrank slowly, as if melting back into her. When the spread finally reached the edge of her hands she released a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing slightly. She still didn't look up from the counter.

"Dreams are difficult sometimes." Her voice was quiet, controlled. "You can't be certain-"

"I am certain." And I had to be honest if I was worth anything, if I wanted to be worth being with Elsa. But my voice cracked, alongside my heart. "Elsa, I know."

She finally looked up. She was shaky, her cheeks flushed with the effort of retracting the ice. I watched her eyes go glassy and her lips start to tremble.

She sucked in a ragged breath. "You're sure?"

I could only nod.

There was a beat of silence, and then she did the very last thing I expected her to do.

She flew around the counter in the blink of an eye, throwing her arms around me and crushing me against her chest. I was so surprised my arms stayed pinned to my sides while she squeezed me. I felt the vice around my heart release in a nearly painful second of relief.

She's not leaving, she's not leaving, she's not…

Kristoff looked just as shocked as I was, his mouth hanging open while he stared. Elsa rocked against me for a moment, and I could feel her trying to calm her breathing. I rubbed little circles against her back, desperate to help, to comfort.

"I'm sorry." I whispered again and again.

Elsa shook her head, her hands came up to cup my jaw, pulling my face back for her to look. And it was like seeing the sun rise in the morning, it was like watching the northern lights. Too vast, too beautiful, like magic on earth. Her eyes were huge and bright, glowing like stars, tears still streaming. Captivating. But she smiled.

"It's okay." She breathed and leaned forward to press her lips to my forehead. I felt her fingers shaking where they rested in my hair. "It's okay. It will be okay. We're together."

And maybe it sounded a little like she was talking to herself more than to me. Maybe it sounded like she wasn't one hundred percent certain. But it was the same as that first day back together. I would bet everything I had on Elsa, always.

"Y-You're not mad at me?" I hadn't realized I was crying.

"Never." She promised, sounded almost offended that I would think so. Her eyes grew stern as she pulled me back in. I tried not to wipe my streaming eyes on her shirt. "Of course not. Never. I- I feel like I already knew."

I gave a small, watery laugh. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Honestly, after… the ride to the hospital. It all started falling together. The Kolai," She spit the name. "Don't generally make mistakes. If they'd linked you to the Arendelle's there had to be a reason. I just didn't want there to be one."

And her breath caught; she squeezed me harder. "I don't care what or who you are. I don't care. I won't let them get you."

And then I was crying. Loudly, embarrassingly. But I couldn't do anything to stop it. The weight of the sky had been lifted off of my chest. My hands cooled back to normal and I flung them around Elsa. But I had to soldier on, I had to, I would never forgive myself if I didn't.

"Els, I- I understand if- it's okay if y-you and Kris can't- I d-don't want to be a b-burden-"

Except now Elsa was angry, I felt it happen.

She grabbed my shoulders to push me back, holding my chin when I tried to avoid her eyes.

"Anna." Her voice was tight. "Stop. How- How could you think-" She shook her head, her jaw clenched so tightly it looked close to snapping. "How could you think I would leave you? How could you ever think that?"

"You did."

And I hadn't meant to say it. Truly, I hadn't. I didn't want to hurt Elsa with my own hurt. There was no point in that, nothing would be accomplished. And yet, it slipped out all the same.

I heard her breath catch, the sound a painful stutter in the rhythm. Her fingers shook where she held me, the grip faltering. And I wanted to bite my own tongue off in regret. Why did I have to go and say that?

"I-" She choked on a sob, her body curling toward me. "I did. I'm so- I'm so sorry."

"No, I'm sorry." I rushed forward to grip her in a vice like hug. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that-"

"No," She shook her head, even as she held me tighter in response. "You're right. I did. You're right."

And she pulled back, leaned down to look in my eyes, her face so beautiful, so sad. My heart broke in my chest.

"You overestimate me. I couldn't do it again." She laughed a little bit, at herself I think.

I could only cry more. So she held me, her hand in my hair, her other around my back. And I felt like something big had been righted, like something that had been off balance was now steady. The relief made me almost giddy in response, even through the tears.

Then I heard Kris start snickering.

For possibly the millionth time in the last few weeks, I had completely forgotten he was there.

He had moved several yards away, occupying himself with his phone in an attempt to give us privacy. But it seemed his ability to stomach us was coming to an end.

"We've got to get a place with some rooms so you two can have your daily sob fests in private."

I heard a quiet hum, there was a flash and a yelp. Kris had snow melting in his hair.

"Shut up, Kris." Elsa grumbled, only gripping me tighter. I laughed a little and she hummed a happy response, her fingers scratching gently in my hair.

I heard Kris furiously brushing snow out of his hair and into the sink. "Okay well since you two already have that worked out," He muttered, "I guess we only have one thing left to discuss."

Elsa growled at him. "Give Anna a second."

"No, no," I shook my head, rubbing my eyes as I took a step back from Elsa. I needed the distance. My hands were shaking. I felt too hot again, like before. I didn't want to be touching her. I was dangerously close to saying something I did not need to say yet. "I- I'm sorry. We need to keep going. I'm okay."

Elsa, however, could not stand for any space between us, and reached out to run her palm up and down my back. She was watching me with a mixture of concern and adoration.

It was more than I could stand. I wanted to kiss her again. I wanted to do a lot more than kiss her. I desperately wanted for us to be alone, or at least have a private room. I had… things I needed to tell her, to show her. Doing so felt as vital as breathing, the desire sung through my blood. I felt the temperature of my body increase again, the warmth buzzing under my skin more insistently. I took several deep breaths, squeezing my palms together in an effort to calm down.

"Go ahead, Kris."

He looked uncomfortable, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I mean, I don't want to be the one to say it but…" He gave me a sad look. "We should've already left."

Any progress I had made immediately left me. A new, more excited fear shot through. I started sweating, my shoulders hunching up to my ears.

Goddamn, you're really just going for it today, huh?

"Actually… th-that was another thing I wanted to ask about."

I chewed on my lip, wondering about the best way to phrase my idea. It was something that I'd been kicking around quietly to myself, not even fully acknowledging until now. But the more I thought about it, the more it felt like the only thing to do, the only way to get what I needed.

"I- I think I should go and see my mom."

The room grew silent again. Elsa's hand fell from my back.

"Anna-"

I already sensed her refusal.

"I don't know if that's the best idea right now."

"But I want answers!" I nearly shouted, cringing at how instantly desperate and whiny I sounded. I had tried furiously to crush the hope that had been building in my chest for the last few days, but now it was too late, particularly with the new reassurance that Elsa was not going to leave me. The words were already tumbling from my mouth. "I- I think maybe now, maybe because I remember- she might- maybe she might talk to me."

I immediately wanted to take the words back. The pity felt heavy as it hung in the air, the instant sympathetic looks nearly suffocating. I felt my hackles raise.

"It's reasonable." I snapped, crossing my arms. "The doctors have always said she could break through her state at any time. I- I could try something new for the first time."

I hated how defensive I sounded, like a crazy person. But this was it for me. The first time since I was a child that I'd had even an inkling of hope. The least the twins could do was humor me.

"Anna, it's not that we don't think it would work." Elsa tried to touch me again but I jerked my shoulder away. I hated the placating tone. "It's just dangerous. You wouldn't want to put her in harm's way. Not with everything we know now. They could follow you there-"

"Elsa, I still don't know anything!" And I don't know when or how it happened, but suddenly I was pleading with her, turning to face her and grabbing at her fingers. "She could tell me things. She could tell me about my dad; she could explain how I hurt you, how I could stop myself from ever doing it again."

Elsa's face twisted, like it was painful for her to look at me. I wouldn't let up.

"Elsa, please, we could be so careful. I could even go alone and come back, to be less-"

"No!" She snarled and the air chilled to freezing in the same second. Her eyes locked back onto mine. "Absolutely not."

I felt a wall going up, and so I turned to Kris. "Do you think it's a bad idea?"

He pondered for a moment. "I think there are definite pros and cons."

"Kris, come on-"

"I'm not just going to lie to you, Anna. It would be dangerous. I could lead them to your mom."

I felt my stomach sink like lead.

"But," He rubbed at his chin in thought. "It would be nice to have some answers, possibly even worth the risk."

"She's not going by herself-"

"I didn't say she should." Kris raised his palms in a calming gesture toward Elsa. "In fact, I think that's a really bad idea. If anything, we'd have to be with her the whole time."

I felt a tiny inkling of anxiety creep in past all my hope at the thought of the twins seeing my mom, seeing how bad she was, but I shoved it down. I turned back to Elsa, as it was clear now she was the one left to convince.

"Oh, Elsa, please, I'd be so so careful and quick; I just need to see her for a second. Just to see if- if she might say something. Important."

Elsa's face twisted in that same painful way again, she looked away from my eyes, like they were hurting her.

"I…" She sighed. "Quit looking at me like that."

But I didn't let up, using the full effect of my puppy dog stare. It was something Elsa had trouble resisting since we'd first met. And when she looked back at me I watched her resolve break as easily as glass. I felt my heart give a heavy squeeze.

Oh my god, I love you.

"Can you just-" Elsa seemed to struggle for words for a moment. "Could you please just promise me that you'll try to stay safe? To stay hidden?"

"I promise!" I nodded quickly, but she didn't release me. She kept her eyes locked on mine.

"I mean it, Anna. No matter what happens or doesn't happen. No matter what she may or may not tell you. Promise me."

I was a little confused at that. I mean, obviously I would try and be safe. Why the hell would I not? It was an easy thing to promise. So why did Elsa ask it like it wasn't?

"I promise." I nodded solemnly this time, rising up on my tiptoes to press my lips lightly to hers. "I promise."

She immediately threaded her hands into the hair at the base of my neck, holding me flush against her and deepened the kiss. I was swept away embarrassingly quickly, grabbing roughly at her waist as she licked into my mouth.

"Okay!" Kris shouted, covering his eyes. "Okay, okay, enough! Hard limits, remember?"

"S-sorry." I blushed, fanning at my face a bit as I took an awkward step away from Elsa. She smiled, a little smugly, and raked her eyes over me, up and down.

I almost swooned.

Kris rolled his eyes for the billionth time. "Well, go get packed, Princess. We're off to Wyoming."

Thanks for reading, guys. Hope you enjoy :)