(O.O)

Grief is such a strange thing.

Buffy expected that there would be a lot of crying, like what she did when her cousin, Celia, died. Or maybe anger, like when she sent Angel to hell.

But aside from that brief moment where she vomited at the back of her house, she felt nothing. Only numbness, if that was even a feeling.

Her mother died.

It was unexpected and she wasn't even there in her last moments.

Did she suffer? Could she have done something to stop it?

Her friends had all rushed to the hospital. Giles and Steve were already there before her since they came to her house because her Watcher was the first she called and Steve was with him. They were there when the paramedics took the body and went straight to the hospital while she took some time to pick up her sister and now, almost everyone she knew was at the hospital waiting room, so they could hear from a doctor what happened to her mother and to pick up the body.

Dawn was with Tara and Willow, sitting on the benches. Xander and Anya were sitting in the other corner. Steve and Giles remained standing beside her. Spike-

"Where is she?" Her vampire asked, just arriving to the room.

They all froze, surprised at his loud entrance and disheveled state to answer. His hair wasn't slicked up and his curls, which she loved, were visible. He wasn't wearing his usual black coat, which meant he had probably forgotten it in his hurry to see them.

"Buffy, where's Joyce?" He asked again, this time directing the question to her.

She knew she had to answer. But she had no idea. They were there not because her mother was at the hospital. No, they were there for the body. Her mother? She had no idea where she was.

Where did people go when they die?

"Spike," Steve approached his friend, "I think you need to calm down."

"Calm down? How the bloody hell do I remain calm when you send me a text telling me that something happened to Joyce and no one is telling me what it is exactly that happened to her?"

"Look, we're still waiting to hear what happened. The doctors-"

"Doctor," Giles cut the two of them off.

Everyone turned to the man who arrived in the room after the vampire.

"I see a lot of Joyce's friends and family are here," the man commented before turning to Buffy. "Do you want us to talk in my office or here, with everyone around?"

"Everyone's family. Here will be fine. Just-what happened?"

The doctor nodded, eyes full of sympathy.

"Okay, I've examined your mother's body,"

"Can we see her?" Dawn asked.

"Dawn, not now."

"The on-site report seems more or less accurate. Your mother did have what looks like an aneurysm. A sudden hemorrhaging from a ruptured arterial vessel near the, uh ... where the tumor was removed," he said.

This confused her, so she asked, "Shouldn't we have known about that, that-was a danger?"

"Sometimes these things are detectable, and sometimes they're not. Joyce was aware of the possibility of a rupture, and the effects. She didn't even get on the phone, so clearly this was very sudden."

Spike flinched at this word. It was sudden. The kindest and most decent woman he had ever met died so suddenly. Her life snuffed out without so much as a blip on anyone's radar. How could that happen to Joyce of all people?

He turned to his Slayer.

Spike could only imagine what she was going through. She found the body and that must've been traumatic for her. Yet his girl remained impassive as she listened to the doctor explaining what happened to her mother and how nothing could've been done to save her.

But he knew deep down, his Slayer was in pain and probably blaming herself for not being there for her mum.

His hand moved and reached out to hers, a silent way of telling her that he was there for her.

He half-expected her to move her hand away but she wrapped her fingers around his as her way of accepting his comfort, which he was glad for. He wouldn't know how to react if his girl blamed him as well for causing her to not be there for her mother because she had spent the night with him.

He turned to Giles, who cleared his throat as he took over the conversation with the doctor.

"What, uh- what needs to be done now?" The Watcher asked.

"Well, there, uh, there'll be some forms, and some decisions you'll need to make," the doc said.

"Uh, Buffy, why don't you let me handle those as much as I can," Rupert asked his Slayer, who just nodded in agreement.

Spike gave him a grateful nod before he watched him leave the room with the doctor. Then he focused his attention on the rest of the group, all with different questions about what they needed to do or what how they could help. His girl answered them as best as she could.

"I have to pee," the Bit said after she refused to sit by Red and the others.

"Do you want someone to go with you?" The Slayer asked.

"No, I still remember how to pee," was the sullen response she got from the teen before she turned away from Buffy.

"Do you know where it is?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah," Dawn replied before she left the room.

His Slayer stared after her sister with a worried expression. His attention turned to Steve silently, asking the man to follow the obviously distressed teen.

His friend nodded before he too left the room.

Spike turned back to the group and listened to Buffy as she explained her sister's reaction to her mother's death. He nodded in agreement to Demon Girl's statement of wishing that Joyce was still alive.

All this would've indeed been better if she didn't die.

(O.O)

Dawn moved as silently as she could as she walked into the morgue where she knew her mother was being kept. She hated that her sister didn't want her to see their mother. It wasn't fair because she should at least get the chance to see her mom for one last time.

She opened one of the double doors and flinched as it creaked loudly, even echoing throughout the near-empty hallway. She was slowly edging her way into the room-

"I don't think the ladies' room would be in there," a voice resounded from behind her, making the teen jump in surprise.

She turned and was shocked to see Steve Rogers standing behind her.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, sounding haughtier than she meant to.

"I should ask you the same thing. You said you were going to a lavatory, remember?" he asked.

"Well, I changed my mind."

"I can see that," he said, eying the room behind her. "It won't do you any good, you know."

"What?" She asked.

"Going in there. Looking at the body. It's not going to change anything nor will it be good for you. It's not your mother anymore," he said gently.

"I know-but I have to see. I have to make sure-," She was crying again. God! Why did she have to be such a baby?

"Alright," Steve said, nodding in understanding before opening the door wider for them to go through. "If this will help you, then I'll come with you."

Dawn was grateful that she didn't have to do this alone.

They entered the room and were greeted by the strong scent of bleach and formaldehyde. It was nauseating but she could understand that it beat the smell of death, something that she expected a morgue was supposed to smell like. She looked around the room, trying to locate where her mother would be.

"I think we should at least talk to someone before we start opening body bags or the blankets covering the bodies. We don't want to end up looking at the wrong one. Your sister and Spike will kill me if they learn I let you be traumatized like that," he said jokingly.

Dawn smiled, the image of Captain America being afraid of her sister and her boyfriend was a bit hilarious to picture.

Then he asked her to stay so he could go look for someone to help them find her mother. She nodded and waited.

As she stood alone in the room, her fingers twitched. There were only a couple of bodies there that were covered in cloth, maybe her mother was one of them.

While it would be best to wait for Steve to come back, she didn't want to do that. Ever since her sister told her about her mother, all she wanted to do was to see for herself if her mom was really dead.

She approached the nearest one. Her fingers reached out to the blanket and she took a deep breath, before-being grabbed by someone from behind.

(O.O)

Buffy ran in the direction of the familiar sound of her sister's scream. She turned the corner and found the sound coming from the door that was marked "Authorized Personnel Only".

She slammed the door open and was greeted by the sight of her sister on the ground and Captain America dusting a vampire.

"What's going on here?" She asked, looking at Steve for answers.

"She wanted to see her mother," Steve answered, looking at Dawn, whose attention was focused on the lifeless body on the table.

"Dawnie," she called out, but her sister wasn't paying her any attention. All she saw was the body that was once their mother.

Buffy approached her sister and put a hand on the teen's shoulder.

"That's not mom," her sister whispered. "Where is she, Buffy?"

Where is she indeed.

(O.O)

There wasn't much fanfare to Joyce's funeral. Not many people attended either since the only people outside their small group of friends that came were a couple of Joyce's employees and Buffy's aunt who flew from Seattle overnight. The service was good. The pastor said kind words to Buffy and Dawn before they lowered the coffin to the ground.

To Steve, it seemed that the entire ceremony was rushed but for everyone else, it was natural to do it quickly. The service was held at night so Spike could join, and because of this, everything was done as fast as possible so everyone could go home safely.

It seemed that not all people in Sunnydale were as unaware of the supernatural things going on around town.

Spike asked Steve to accompany the rest of the guests and the Scoobies back to the Summers Residence for the reception. The vampire informed him that he and Buffy would be staying to do a vigil in the cemetery, to prevent demons or other nasties from desecrating the Slayer's mother's grave.

It irked Steve that there are such demons who would do that, but he nodded and agreed to escort the attendants home.

Once Steve and the rest of the guests left, Spike approached Buffy and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"No one's around Luv. You can let it all out now," he told his girlfriend gently.

Buffy immediately turned to him and buried her face in his chest before crying loudly. Her sobs resounded throughout the empty cemetery.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. His girl had been holding this in since she found her mother's body. Throughout the funeral process, she always had a brave face in front of her sister and friends because she thought that it was expected of her to be strong.

Now that everything was over, his girl needed this, to let out her pain so the healing could begin.

"She's gone, Spike. My mom is gone," she said in between her sobs.

"I know, pet."

"I-I don't know what to… to do now. I don't know how to go on. I'm still the Slayer and now I have to ta-take care of Dawnie and everything and I don't know where to start." She looked up to face him, her grief-stricken expression was like a blade in his gut.

He hated seeing his girl hurt.

He placed a hand on her cheek and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"You don't have to start now, Luv. Right now, all you need to focus on is grieving."

"But I don't want to grieve. I just want my mommy back."

"I know. Joyce was one hell of a woman. You got that from her. She didn't deserve to go so soon."

This earned another wave of tears from the Slayer. She buried herself deeper in his chest as she called out for her mother who was never going to answer again.

It took her a while, but Buffy was finally out of tears. Her eyes were puffy and her nose all red, but the heavy feeling she had in her chest lifted and she wasn't as burdened as she had been since she found her mom dead on their couch. She and Spike decided to sit down next to a tree that was overlooking her mother's grave from a distance.

She turned to her boyfriend, who was smoking as he stared at her mom's grave and thought back on what had happened these past few days, and smiled for the first time since her mother's death.

She didn't know what she would've done if he wasn't there with her. Spike had been her constant rock these past few days. He'd accompanied her as she made arrangements for the funeral, held her hand when people asked her about what happened, and was just there for her throughout the entire affair.

He never left her side and she was really grateful to have him. He made this entire ordeal manageable.

"Thank you," she whispered as she leaned to his side. "I don't think I would've handled all this so well if you hadn't been here."

"I think you would've been okay. You're stronger than you think, Luv."

She shook her head. "Maybe. But you made things easier, so thank you."

He grunted, accepting her words.

"You know what the one question is I've been asking myself since I saw the body?" she asked in a low voice that if not for his enhanced hearing, he would've missed.

"What?"

"Where mom went. We saw and buried her body. But what about mom? Where did she go? Where do people go when they die?"

"You're not curious about finding out, are you?" He asked, sounding concerned.

Buffy winced. She still remembered her talk with him about Slayers and truthfully, she was indeed curious about it.

But not curious enough that she wanted to die just to find out, so she reassured her vampire about this.

"I just want to know where mom went. If she's happy where she is. Or if she just disappeared after she died."

Her vampire nodded in understanding, for which she was grateful. The last thing she needed was for him to be wary of her safety and put her on suicide watch.

"I think Joyce is in heaven. I mean, where else would she be?"

This surprised Buffy. She didn't expect him to believe in heaven.

"'Course I believe in heaven. I mean, we know there are hell dimensions. Why wouldn't there be heavenly ones? Also, we know souls exist, so there has to be a place for them to go after death."

"And you believe mom would be sent there?"

"Where else would they send her? Like I said, Joyce was a real decent lady. She saw good in the most terrible of men, I mean, she loved you da, didn't she?"

This made her giggle. Her father didn't come to her mother's funeral and she was still angry at him for it. She appreciated the vampire for his jab at that man.

"And look at me? She welcomed and befriended me even though I tried to kill her daughter as many times as I did. She was one of a kind. If heaven didn't welcome her, then I'll go there myself and kick those Powers' butt for such an error in judgment."

"So, mom's in heaven," she repeated with a smile.

"Nowhere else she would be," he said firmly. "She up there right now, enjoying her favorite drink while watching silly romcom movies on the cloud."

She giggled again.

"There are wine and movies in heaven?"

"'Course! What other things would there be? I mean, that's where good people are supposed to spend their eternity, so it's natural that all the good things are there. That includes your mum's favorite movies and drink."

Buffy laughed at this. It made sense in a crazy and humorous way and she liked the idea that her mom was happy where she is. She appreciated what the vampire did for her. Not only had he helped her grieve, but he also eased her worries about where her mom was.

She gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Thank you, Spike," she said to him again.

He turned to face her with a surprised look before morphing into one of his loving stares.

"You're welcome, Buffy."

(O.O)

They said that everyone grieved differently. Some cried like there's no tomorrow, others got angry. Some people cried and laughed and moved forward, while others simply moved forward without crying at all.

And there were people like Dawn, who only cried once but were not willing to move forward past their grief. Holding on to it because they believe it was the only thing they had to remember the person they were grieving for.

It's been five days since her mother was buried and she still hadn't moved past the fact that she died. Everyone she knew had gone back to their lives. Giles and Anya had opened their shop and once again sold stuff as nothing happened. Willow and Tara had gone back to school, Xander went back to his job at the construction and even her sister and Spike were once again doing regular patrols.

Everyone had moved on with their lives and she was still the same scared little girl who lost her mother.

No one understood her pain nor did they understand her loneliness.

Only her mother did and that was why she was going to bring her back. It was the only way for all her pain to end. For all the loneliness to disappear.

Her mother loved her and would care for her like she always did.

Dawn carried Willow's magic book, clutched to her chest protectively as she slowly crept down the stairs, careful not to let her sitters, Giles and Steve, know that she was leaving the house to visit her mom's grave. She would've taken the window, but after her many attempts of leaving the house without permission, her sister had the tree beside her window taken down so she no longer had access to climb down from her room that way. That's why she was going through the backdoor because it was the only place she could use without being heard by her sitters in the living room.

Once she was out of her house, she ran to the backyard gate, happy that she got away without being caug-BUMP!

The impact of running into something hard made her fall on her butt. She looked up and was surprised to see Steve there, looking down at her with a disapproving look.

"Going somewhere?" He asked.

Dawn stammered a weak excuse as she stood up and picked up Willow's book and tried to hide it behind her back.

But it was too late, the Captain had already seen the book.

"Dawn, you're not planning to use that book, are you?"

"No!" She said, but he clearly didn't believe her. "Okay, yes, I was going to use it to bring mom back!"

She saw the man's eyes widen before looking at her with that annoying sympathetic face.

"Dawn, you know that's not going to solve anything," he said.

His condescending tone made her angry.

Who was he to tell her what she could and couldn't do? What did he know about solving her problems? How could he understand how she felt when she just lost the only person who cared about her?

She was so furious that she yelled all of this at him. All she wanted was her mother back.

Was that too much to ask?

"You're wrong," he said firmly, shutting her up with his sudden change of tone. "I like to think I know a thing or two about what it's like to lose the people you love."

Dawn's eyes widened as she realized how insensitive she had been to the man.

Of course, he'd know a lot about loss. Didn't he one day wake up in the future with everyone he ever knew and loved either dead or too old to remember him? If there was anyone who understood what she was going through, it was Steve.

"Then you should help me. You understand what it's like to lose someone important to you. You should help me bring my mother back," she cried, desperation evident in her voice.

Steve felt sorry for the teen before him. Her mother's death was really affecting her and he could indeed understand the need to want to do anything in his power to bring the people he lost back.

However, he knew that this wasn't the right way.

He may not know much about magic or such, but Spike and the witches he introduced him to were able to tell him that bringing people back from the dead was the blackest of all magics and it shouldn't be done carelessly because there were consequences to such spells. Dawn was being reckless and he knew that Joyce wouldn't want her youngest to endanger herself for her.

"Dawn, I do understand why you want to bring her back but I'm not going to help you," he said.

The teen looked devastated.

"This is wrong and you can't just rely on magic to solve everything. There are consequences."

"I don't care! I'll pay any price just to bring mom back!"

"What if the price is your own life? Or your sister's life? Or someone else's life? Are you willing to go that far? Are you willing to pay such a price? Do you think Joyce will want that?"

The last line took her aback. Of course, she knew there were consequences. She was willing to pay for it. But would she be willing to pay the price if it was Buffy's life? Or someone else's? Would her mom want her to?

Of course not.

Dawn released the book and it landed on the grass with a thump and she fell on her knees and cried.

Steve got on his knees and embraced the grieving child before him. She needed to let all of this out before she could move forward. He whispered words of comfort to the distraught teen and allowed her to cry to her heart's content.

Later the two of them reentered the house, with Steve carrying the still crying teen to her room. He was grateful that Rupert was kind enough to leave them alone and let him handle her on his own. He laid Dawn on her bed and was about to leave when he felt her grab him by the sleeve.

"Don't go," she said, sounding so much like the child she was.

"Alright, I'll stay until you sleep," he said softly before dragging a chair by her study table towards her bed.

"Can you tell me a story?" she asked.

"A story?"

"Any story. Maybe something about the people you lost?"

"Alright."

And he told her the story of her mother, Sarah, who raised him until she died when he was about Dawn's age.

"You know, my mom always told me that a strong heart will take you further than any physical strength. A strong heart means you'll never quit. And it's because of those words that I never learned when to quit. Whether it was my dream of joining the army or just trying my best to save people. I held those words close to me because it made me feel close to my mother, the strongest and kindest woman I knew."

Dawn looked lost in her thoughts after hearing this.

"What's wrong?" He asked the teen.

"I was thinking if mom ever left me with such words of wisdom that I can live by," she answered.

"And?"

"Well, she never said anything wise like that, but she always said that her only wish for me and Buffy was for us to be happy."

"Then I think that's what you should focus on and how you can honor her."

"Just to be happy?"

"Nothing would make Joyce happier on the other side than to see her girls living their lives to the fullest and being happy while they are at it," he said with conviction.

Dawn smiled before it disappeared from her face as she thought of her sister.

"I guess Buffy already has a head start then. I mean, she's already moving on and acting as nothing happened. Like mom dying is nothing but a big chore for her," she said sullenly.

Steve looked horrified, but not because of the words the teen said, but because he realized someone was at the door, listening.

Dawn turned and saw her sister standing there, looking upset.

"Buffy," Steve started, but she cut him off.

"Steve, can you leave us for a moment, please?" She asked the Captain.

He only nodded, bidding Dawn a quiet goodnight, before exiting the room.

Buffy closed the door once the Captain left and went to sit on the chair the other once occupied, before turning to her sister. But she didn't say anything, just stared at her sister.

Seeing that she wasn't going to say anything, Dawn tried to explain her earlier words.

"You can yell at me all you want but you know what I said was the truth," the teen said. "You're acting like nothing is wrong. You're already going on patrols with Spike and even going back to your classes and hanging out with your friends."

"Dawn, I needed to go to those classes. If you want to go back to school, you can tell me and you can go tomor-"

"That's not the point, Buffy!" she yelled. "Mom is dead and I'm all alone. I don't have anyone."

"What?! Of course, you do. You have me!"

She sat up from her bed. "No, I don't. You won't even look at me or talk to me. It's so obvious you don't want me around."

Buffy looked horrified at her sister's assessment of her. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is. Mom ... died, and it's like you don't even care."

The Slayer was shocked. Tears were forming in her eyes as she tried to reason with her sister. "Of course, I care. How can you even think that?"

"How can I not? You haven't even cried or talked about mom openly."

She stared down at her hands in her lap and felt her body shake.

"Dawn- I've been wo-working. I've been busy because I have to-" she tried to say, but her sobs were getting in the way.

Dawn stared angrily at her sister. "No! You've been avoiding me," she pointed out.

"I'm not! I have to do these things, 'cause-" she paused as another sob escaped her, "'cause when I stop, then she's really gone.

Dawn frowned in confusion at her sister's words.

Buffy continued, "and I'm trying, Dawn. I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew."

"Nobody's asking you to be Mom.

"Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you ever thought about that? Who's gonna make things better?" Tears fell harder from her eyes, blurring her vision. "Who's gonna take care of us?"

"Buffy," Dawn whispered, finally understanding her sister.

"I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me."

She left her bed and ran to her crying sister, hugging her.

"Oh god, Dawnie," Buffy said crying along with her sister as they grieved together.9

(O.O)

Steve found Spike sitting on the back porch of the house with an unlit cigarette in his hand and went to sit next to his friend. Out of everyone in Joyce's life, the vampire was the only one he hadn't seen openly grieve the woman who he considered a friend.

"Buffy and Dawn are finally opening up to each other," he told his friend. It was one of the things he knew that the vampire had been worried about for the past several days.

"Good. They need that," he heard the other say.

"Aren't you going to light that?" He asked, pointing at the cigarette.

The vampire stared at the stick in his hand.

"Did you know Joyce put this pot here?" Spike suddenly asked as he pointed at the empty plant pot beside him. "She hated when I smoked inside so she always told me to do it here and left this here for my butts. She also remembered to throw away the butts the following day. I haven't lit this up because I was thinking that now that she's gone, no one's going to do that for me."

"It's okay to be sad, you know," Steve said as he watched the vampire light the cigarette.

"I'm not sad, I'm angry," Spike said. "Joyce was the most decent woman I knew and yet they took her so soon. Now, the two most important women in my life are hurt and crying and I can't do anything to help them."

"I think you've done all you can for them, Spike."

He snorted. "Not enough. They still lost their mum."

"You couldn't have done anything to stop that. Death is unexpected and no one really knows when it's your time to go."

Spike barked a laugh. "Rogers, out of everyone in this house, I'm the one most familiar with death. It gets everyone. Now, it's just Joyce, next year or sometime in the future, it'll be the Slayer then her friends and kid sis. Even you."

He paused and eyed the young Captain.

"No one escapes it."

"Even you," Steve pointed out.

Spike chuckled sardonically. "Yeah, I can die too. But if I'm careful, I could still outlive all of you. The disadvantage of being friends with humans is that they die too soon. One moment you're all here and next, I'll be alone again."

"Spike," Steve said, giving his friend a sorrowful look.

The vampire just sneered at this. "Don't pity me, Rogers. I don't want or need it."

"But-"

"It's why I cherish every single moment I have with all you lot," he told him. "I know that a day will come when I lose you all, so while you're all still here, I make sure to spend time with all of you. Gather as many memories of you as I can. Because that will be all I will have in the end."

Steve's gaze softened. The vampire may be crass and rude, but there were always moments like these when he'd say something sensitive and nice that reminded him why he remained friends with him.

He eyed the cigarette in the vampire's mouth again before saying, "Can I try it?"

Spike nearly choked on the smoke. "What?"

"I said, can I try it? The cigarette."

"You don't smoke," his friend said to him.

"I know. But right now, I want to try it. You can add it to your memories that you got Captain America to smoke a cigarette," he said with a challenging smirk.

Spike laughed again. "God! I'm a bad influence on you."

Steve shrugged before adding, "many would say the same thing about Stark and yet I'm still friends with him."

"Touché," the vampire said before handing his cigarette to his friend.

Steve took a long drag before coughing loudly, earning a bellowing laugh from the vampire. He continued to cough while smoke came out of his mouth.

People actually like this? He thought as he coughed. He eyed Spike who was laughing harder at his plight.

He should be angry but he was too happy that his plan had worked.

Gathering memories, huh? Well, he'll make sure his friend had plenty of them before his time came up.

TBC

(O.O)

Thanks for reading