PLEASE BE ADVISED: I work in retail. It's the holidays. I will not be updating this story until the new year. Don't leave me cutesy reviews saying things like "Marco?" because they just make me super annoyed. I have a job and a writing career and a family and chronic health problems, and I will update when I update.
Chapter Seven: You Don't Know What I've Been Through
Let's have a round of applause for another returning character from the cartoon...
For a few seconds, everyone just sort of stared at the two pieces of Beetlejuice which lay on the floor, quivering slightly like fragments of a porcelain bowl which had cracked in half and were still shuddering from the impact.
"Well," said Hugo at length, "of all the things I expected to see today, I can honestly say this wasn't one of them."
"I told you he's a literal genie," said Donny, grimly. "Oh, brother, pull yourself together, please! This is no time to fall to pieces!"
There was a small groan, and slowly, painstakingly, the two halves shifted to where they could start merging back into a single unit. "What just happened?" asked Lady Delphine. She didn't seem particularly alarmed, just mildly confused.
"As Donny stated, Beetlejuice - BJ as you know him - is bound to his own words," said the Fairy Godfather, patiently. "Uttering the wrong turn of phrase can have an adverse effect on his form, his surroundings, or even his personality under certain circumstances. As he himself might put it, this is something of an unfortunate 'catch' which is sidebar to his considerable power."
"Usually, Lydia can help him set himself to rights," Vince added with a sigh. "But as that's not an option at present, it falls to the rest of us to try to keep him from saying anything too detrimental."
"Is that what he means when he says she holds the leash?" asked Hugo.
"In part," replied the Godfather. "That has more to do with her hold on him in general. Lydia, as I have had occasion to state more than once, is the only one who can compel Beetlejuice to act against his nature. A poltergeist, and particularly one with his level of power, should not be easily brought to heel - but he placed himself under her command when he taught her to say his name, and she alone can keep his destructive tendencies at bay. He can deny her nothing; his love for her is, very possibly, the only thing greater than his compulsion for chaos."
"Wow. So love really is the strongest thing in the universe?"
"In a manner of speaking. Love is really more like duct tape," came the sage reply. "It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together. Beetlejuice manages to encapsulate both the dark side and the light side of the emotion, even if he isn't really able to put it into words. The trouble which faces us at present is that without his wife to be an anchor, the dark side of his feelings will grow stronger." He shook his head. "He was originally what the storytellers describe as chaotic neutral, but under her influence he has become chaotic good. He is at risk of sliding back to neutrality or worse."
"Can't he fight against it?" Hugo was the one who spoke, but they were all watching the pieces of Beetlejuice as they started to wibble themselves back together. It was a disconcerting spectacle.
"Under any other sort of circumstances, possibly. The true difficulty we are facing just now is that no one knows exactly how to rectify the situation." The Godfather looked troubled. "The most primal of all the emotions is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. The longer Lydia's fate remains uncertain, the more Beetlejuice's fear will unravel him. And that can send him down a dangerous path."
"So it's like Star Wars."
"Actually, yes. Fear leads to anger - anger leads to hate - hate leads to suffering." The Godfather nodded. "You see the matter clearly, young Hugo."
"So what can we do?" asked Donny, plaintively. "How can we possibly help him when he can't help himself?"
"That's a good question," said Vince. He was sitting on his throne, with his elbow propped on one arm of the chair and his cheek pillowed on his fist. Abruptly, however, he sat up straight. "Wait, before we get any farther, perhaps we should confirm something. From whose point of view is this chapter being told?"
There was a pause as they all glanced at each other. "Well, I haven't had a turn yet," said Lady Delphine after a moment. "It may as well be me."
"Very good, my lady, thank you. Now," the prince continued, still looking thoughtful, "it occurs to me that we may need to bring in some outside perspective."
"Whom did you have in mind, Your Highness?" inquired the Godfather.
"I know that in the past, Lydia has had to consult with an expert to bring Beetlejuice back to himself on more than one occasion. I think we may need that expert assistance once again." The prince, Delphine thought, looked exceedingly grave - then again, considering everything she had ever been told about him, that was probably the way he looked all the time. "My friends, we must send for none other than Dr. Zigmund Void."
"Ach!"
Dr. Void arrived not long after the summons was dispatched, and he bowed to Prince Vince. "I am always at ze disposal of Your Funerary Highness," he said, in what Delphine supposed was sort of a German accent, "but I am uncertain as to how I may assist zis time."
The doctor in question was a short, oddly colored man with spectacles perched on on a pointed nose. His expression was dispassionately puzzled, and a very large crack exposed part of the brain inside his bulging head.
"I don't believe that man's ever been to medical school," Hugo whispered. Delphine shushed him.
"You understand the situation, though?" inquired the prince.
"As much as it may be understood, given ze known variables. I do not know if I can be of much help to ze young Frau Juice. Perhaps if we take a trip inside her mind…"
"Y'know," said Beetlejuice, and he briefly sounded almost amused, "that does seem kind of fair. She's been inside mine twice."
"What could we learn by exploring her mind?" asked Hugo. "I mean, she wouldn't know how to wake herself up, would she?"
"It is uncertain," the doctor allowed. "But ze subconscious mind knows many, many things that ze conscious mind seemply cannot perceive. It may be zat zere is a hint which can be found by making ze trip."
"So how do we do it?"
Dr. Void paused. "I don't remember," he admitted.
"I think we can remedy that," said Prince Vince, unusually calm.
"Er… how?" asked Donny.
The prince gave him a small smile, then tugged on a bell pull near the throne. One of his attendants appeared shortly. "If you would be so good," said the prince, "kindly fetch the telephone and put in a call to the Neitherworld Network Studios."
"Right away, sire."
"So you mean to say," said Hugo, as they waited for the arrival of the phone, "that you really are on a television show?"
"Did you doubt me, kid?" asked BJ.
"Well, not entirely, but you have to admit it sounds a little… improbable."
BJ's response was a flat stare. Slowly, he said, "I'm a mostly dead guy married via magical contract to a mostly living woman, thanks in part to some shoes that wouldn't come off my feet. You personally once accidentally killed my wife with a ritual gone wrong. She came back and drove off a shadow ghost using the power of her tiara and some snarky dialogue. We then took out a vampire ghost who was flapping back and forth between planes of reality while dressed as an owl, and now she's pregnant with a kid that's got enough juice to keep her alive even when a spell should have annihilated her. You really think being on television is the improbable part here?"
"...okay, yeah, you have me there." Hugo gave an embarrassed chuckle. Delphine, stifling a smile of her own, doffed him lightly on the back of the head.
Prince Vince, meanwhile, had been given the phone and was waiting patiently for the connection to be established. Delphine couldn't help wondering why he didn't make use of a mirror or something similar, but she wasn't intimately familiar with the protocols of issuing a royal request so she felt it wasn't her place to ask. For all she knew, some obscure rule meant that it had to be done as a phone call; it wouldn't be the strangest thing she'd heard in the past hour.
"Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Monitor. Yes…. yes... often, but not lately. I have need of your assistance, sir. I need you to pull up the footage from one of Beetlejuice and Lydia's previous adventures, so that we can review it." He paused. "Hold on, I'll check. Dr. Void, Beetlejuice - do either of you remember the name of the episode in which you ventured into Beetlejuice's mind?"
"Uh…" BJ scratched his head. "Forget… something."
"Forget-Me-Nuts," said Dr. Void, snapping his fingers.
"Forget-Me-Nuts," Prince Vince repeated into the phone. "Yes, that one. I didn't name it, sir, that's your department. Rather literally. No, this cannot wait. I need it as soon as possible." His expression grew hard; Delphine found it a little unsettling on his pleasant features. "It is imperative that I have the footage. Both the Fairy Godfather and I are in need of this assistance. Yes. I had hoped that would be your answer. Kindly have it brought to the royal castle at the first opportunity. Thank you."
He ended the call and dismissed the retainer holding the phone with a word of thanks. "Mr. Monitor assures me that he will be delighted to assist us in this matter," he said cheerfully.
"You… don't actually believe that, do you?" asked BJ, incredulous.
"That he's delighted? No, of course not. But he will certainly get us what we need."
"He has learned his lesson well," said the Godfather. "I do not think he will eagerly court your displeasure again, my prince."
"I expect one of his lackeys before very long. We can then review the episode and refresh ourselves on exactly what steps must be taken for the fantastic voyage." The prince put a hand to his chin, thinking. "I don't believe we should all go, however. Someone ought to remain out here, to keep watch over Lydia. It would not be out of the realm of possibility for her would-be assassin to attempt to strike again."
"Maybe you should be the one to stay, brother," Donny ventured.
"Whaaaat? Pass up my chance to go inside my Lydster's head and see all the stuff I don't already know?"
"Do you think there's very much in there that you don't know?"
"I dunno. Maybe. I never really thought about it," he admitted. "Hey - you think she has a shrine to me?"
"I would venture to say," said the Fairy Godfather, faintly amused, "that it would be slightly more likely for such a thing to exist in her mind than in anyone else's."
"I just can't help but think that if you stay out here, Lydia's safety is guaranteed, brother," said Donny. "No one could ever hope to get at her - or the kiddo - while you're standing guard. After all, you're - what does she call you? Her big scary poltergeist? They had to try to get at her when you weren't around, because whoever did this knows that your power would have protected her."
Delphine bit down a snort at the way BJ's chest sort of puffed out at these words. "Well. When you're right, you're right. I can't let anything happen to my Buggy-boy or his mom."
"Suppose you go up to the room now," said Prince Vince, and it was clear that he was also fighting a smile, "and wait for us to bring the episode footage. We can watch it in there with Lydia. Perhaps she can hear some of what goes on around her, and revisiting your old adventures could be soothing to her spirit. At worst, it can't possibly do her any harm."
"Yeah, okay. I didn't intend to be down here this long as it is, I'll head up there now. Let me know as soon as that hack sends the footage, okay?"
He abruptly disappeared from view with a faint pop, leaving behind the perplexing presence of a tin can, a winged bat, and an eyeball which may or may not have had a string attached to it. Delphine had to wonder at the significance of the symbolism, or if there even was any. These clattered to the floor briefly before they, too, vanished; as soon as they did, everyone turned to look at Donny.
"That was well done, my friend," said Prince Vince. "I'd forgotten how effective it can be to appeal to Beetlejuice's ego about something like this."
"Well, Lydia's been my sister for a couple of years now," Donny replied modestly. "I've learned from the best."