Chapter 3: Realization

"Will you come and see us this weekend? It was such a long time since last, I miss you…"

"I'm sorry, work keeps dragging out and I can't even take one day off..."

"Don't work too hard, remember to come up for air once in a while… stay safe honey…"

"Goodbye mom, take care…"

I don't know at what point I became such a good liar, maybe it began after I left the spirit world, the only one to remember what really happened there. Maybe when I sneaked behind everyone's back to hide away by his side. Or maybe I was simply a good liar from the start.

Either way I've got a lot of practice since then. Ever since my parents divorced, I've been the middle ground in which they fought. Never able to side with one or the other, always guarding against their dislike for each other. Unable to fit in with the families they created with their new spouses.

They abandoned the last thing that could have meant something to me, our family. I staked my life to save them from a life of enslavement, in a realm far from here. Yet they'll never be able to return the favor. It might not have worked even if they'd stayed together. Their conflict and screams would have made it unbearable anyway.

There's nowhere that will feel like home now, except by his side, so there I'll stay. Every weekend, every moment when I'm able. No matter how much I must lie or cheat to get there, nothing can keep me away.

I put the cellphone in my back pocket and grab the keys from the side table by the door, patting the little white porcelain dragon goodbye. On my way down the stairs I meet my neighbor, who nods hello, I nod back. He's as strange a fellow as me, always wearing the same t-shirt and pants, I wonder if those are the only ones he has, or if he's got a whole wardrobe full of them. It doesn't bother me either way, he's kind enough to leave me alone and I return the favor. I'd trade the whole apartment building for people like him, to rid it of the family living above me. Their kid's favorite amusement is to scream loudly, jumping up and down on the floor so hard dust falls of.

I jump on my bike and paddle on towards one of my parttime jobs, it's at a small café run by a short, plump and kind old lady. We're only three employees working there including herself, most often we work alone or two at a time. I think she must know what it's like wanting to keep secrets, because she doesn't ask me half as much as everyone else. That's why I prefer when it's just the two of us.

Usagi, the annoying brat, who's the second employee, likes to bother me all day long. She's only nineteen, working weekends and evening shifts by the side of her education. Her bodybuilder boyfriend likes hanging around, waiting, scaring away any potential rivals.

I park my bike in the stand below a huge display window, filled with goodies on sale. It's six in the morning and the sun has barely risen over the treetops. The usual busy streets contain only a few stragglers and early birds. In a fairly large city like these, there's bound to be constant movement, that's why the silence can seem so deafening. The inside of the café is dark, with the chairs raised on tables, it seems abandoned, kind of eerie. If anyone but me where here, they might've been frightened, but I'm used to much worse.

I close the door behind me as I enter, locking it to prevent customers from barging in to early. At the rear of the café lies the employee quarters, where I discard my clothes and don the pink dress and white apron that wrap up the work attire. A quick glance in the mirror confirms just how unfit I am to wear this type of outfit. It's so cute one could become nauseous. My figure is gangly and tall with tiny breasts and zero waist, like a rectangle walking on two legs. The last thing anyone would call me is cute. I gather my long cinnamon colored hair in a ponytail and straighten the bangs, avoiding my reflection. Finding faults is easy and I don't want to add anything to the ongoing list of imperfections.

The clock ticks on without anything major occurring, I simply tag along, like a machine without feeling or thought. When it reaches afternoon Usagi burst through the door in a flurry, late as usual. Shouting apologies as she rushes towards the back. A moment later one of our regulars arrive and approach the counter, ordering a coffee and pie with custard on the side. He settles down at his preferred singles table in the corner by the window.

While I prepare his order Usagi skips out from the changing room, with a sunny smile plastered over her face. If I wasn't so emotionless, I might've felt envy of her appearance. She's a thoroughbred Lolita, short with a pretty figure, cute face and blond locks cascading down her back. If I could choose something to envy though, it would be her personality. it's so bubbly it's sickening, enabling her to charm just about anyone.

She leans in and whisper with her pleasant soft voice.

"Ooh, look at that, he's back again"

"So?"

"Don't play coy… he's checking you out, just like he does every other time"

"And you keep pestering me about it…"

"When you ask him out, I'll stop"

"That's never going to happen"

"Why not? He's super cute and just looking for an opportunity to ask you out"

"More like 'you' wanting 'me' to ask him out"

"Well yeah, that too… But I've seen the way he acts around you, 100% smitten!"

"Give me a break..."

Objectively I can deem him handsome, tall figure, black hair, auburn eyes, and a pleasant smile. It's more thought than feeling, I'll never be interested no matter how attractive he becomes. There would be no point in explaining this though, so I just brush past her with his order on a tray.

She's persistent on finding me a husband, any good-looking man who enters the café could be a potential partner. Her notion that everyone falls for me at first sight, might seem like praise, but such flimsy beliefs mean nothing. I won't delude myself that anyone could be interested in my unsubstantial personality and nonexistent charms.

That's why I can approach his table with my usual calm demeanor, placing the coffee and pie by his side. Smilingly wish him a happy meal before leaving, unbothered by the way he watches me.

As I return to the counter Usagi greets me with a reproachful glare and sighs.

"You're the definition of frigid… absurdly indifferent"

"True, so just give up"

"You're not at all aware of how people view you"

"Where are you going with this?"

She places her hand on my shoulder and squeeze lightly, shaking her head with dismay.

"We've worked together for what now, three years? Yet you haven't so much as flirted with anyone. I know you don't have a boyfriend; I've tried to understand why..."

This conversation has been presented to me countless times, and it always hurts like a slap in the face. I know that he's not my boyfriend, that our relationship is nonexistent, that we are realms apart. Despite her remarks my deadpan expression remains the same, undoubtedly due to practice.

"What I finally realized, is that you're completely oblivious to the fact that you're gorgeous. The thought that someone might find you attractive, scares the shit out of you. The thought that you could love and be loved, is so frightening that you can't even touch upon it. So timid and insecure yet stunning enough to floor anyone… it's so ironic and depressing that I want to laugh and cry at the same time…"

My whole body tingles like I'm being pricked by needles, the chock rushing through me in waves. I'm unable to comprehend the feeling that consumes me, I want to run, flee. For the first time in forever, my practiced indifference falters, and I bolt, with tears stinging at the corner of my eyes.

I slam the bathroom door shut and collapse on the toilet seat. My breath is ragged, and the tears that pour feel wet against my skin. With pure desperation I prevent the looming panic attack, I've experienced it before, and know how to thwart the onslaught. I lean back on the cold porcelain behind me, breathe in and out in a steady flow, allowing the sensation to calm me down. Repeating this procedure for a few minutes leaves me placid enough to contemplate what happened.

I despise any comments referring to my appearance, whether they're admiration or insult. Flatter sets up a standard that can't be fulfilled. Insult feeds my boundless insecurity. When people obsess over my appearance, it forces me to think about it more, something I'd rather avoid.

I've been timid for as long as I can remember, it doesn't account for my lack of relationships. The fact that she find's me beautiful is nothing new, it wasn't those comments that struck me like a punch in the gut, they wouldn't incite panic.

It was her remark upon my fear, something that I've never even reflected on before. For the longest time I've been consumed by it, so intrusive that I was unable to accept it.

I've been afraid of cheating him, to abandon what we are. Desperately clinging to the small chance that we might meet again. Living in ceaseless alienation, desperately avoiding any relationships that might outshine what we have. The thought of losing him so consuming that it scares me beyond comprehension.

For the first time in my life, I realize just how much I'm willing to sacrifice for this miniscule destiny of ours.

I can't halt the laugh that bubbles in my gut, the sound a desperate gurgle, filled with unfathomable sorrow and endless tears.

Thank you so much for reading this story and any comment you've left or might leave. Every response helps my motivation. Spirited away is a very dear movie for me and I want to make it the justice it deserves.

Still, these characters are grown up and transformed into new beings within my story. So any feelings that might deviate from the movie will be a result of that.

Thank you again, see you next chapter.