Chapter 4: There were times

I'm floating in the water, moving gently downstream. I breathe in, my lungs fill with air that bring me up, my whole body floating with the surface. I breathe out and sink, if I refuse to take another breath, my body will join with the riverbed.

Sometimes these thoughts are the only thing occupying my mind, to sink or to float. Even though it might seem like I'm the one to decide, my fate has always been within his hands.

There were times in my lonely teenage years, when I was far more emotional and less rational. A time when Haku was silent and unresponsive. When I agonized over the fact that he would never answer, no matter how much I cried or screamed.

I felt abandoned by the world and by him, unable to fit in anywhere.

My family couldn't understand, how I acted, or the sorrow that consumed me. No matter how hard they tried to communicate or how many therapists I was sent to. There was no way to tell them what was going on. That I was in love with a river, who was actually a water spirit from a different realm. That I wished to reunite with a world that almost killed us all. If they knew, a shrink would be the least of my problems.

I was twelve years old when I first learned to shut my emotions tightly within my heart. Building a facade around myself that became perfected and unbreachable through the years. An empty shell, a machine doing whatever task she must to survive. They stopped worrying when the picture of sorrow painted on my face vanished.

The memories of the spirit world existed in my mind alone, after a while I almost convinced myself that it was all imagination. Thinking that I must be one hell of a scary kid who managed to dream up everything. That scary world filled with unimaginable creatures, a beautiful bathhouse with horrible working conditions. My gluttonous parents turned into pigs. Thinking that Haku could simply be an imaginary friend created from my loneliness. It almost consumed me with terror.

During this time my mother decided that we should move in with her new spouse.

Even if everything had been a dream, the thought of leaving Haku, the river who had become dearer to me than anything, was frightening.

I went to his side, thinking this would be our final goodbye. I told him of my lonely years, of the bullying at school, that I didn't have a single friend. Telling him about my parents divorce and the chaos that followed. Sharing every little secret that I'd kept over the years, as if to cleanse myself of them. If I was to move on with my life, leave him, then it was time to let go, of everything.

What happened then, would change my life forever.

At first nothing seemed out of place, he was tranquil like the surface of a mirror, my image clear as the sky within him. Then I felt the wind pulling my hair, tearing at the trees. The sound of leaves rustling in the breeze. I spun around with wide eyes, taking in every detail in my surrounding. No matter how violent the storm, he kept still and silent. I fell to my knees with a heavy thump, digging my nails into the skin, to convince myself through touch that everything was real. A suffocated breath escaped my throat like the sound of a dying animal. Tears that had been pent up for years cascaded down my cheeks like a waterfall. I wept and bawled like a three-year-old, choking on my own sobs, wiping snot with my sleeve. It continued for what felt like hours, as if the tears would never end.

As the sorrow slowly ebbed away, it was replaced with hot, burning anger. I screamed, cursed, threw rocks in the water that splashed wildly. Demanding answers as to why he'd abandoned me for so long, letting me agonize and almost convince myself that I was crazy. Asking how he could watch me cry and beg without doing anything.

He finally appeared now that it was all too late, I laughed at the irony of it.

No matter how much his silence tormented me, it was impossible to forget him now that he'd shown himself. It took two years before I could move back. As a sixteen year old I could chose high school for myself, and I picked one that was close by. My mother rented an apartment that was within biking distance from him, but she didn't know the reason for it.

As a full-fledged, hormone riddled teenager, I did things that were embarrassing, that will always remain as a badge of shame. Now that I knew he could respond, I planned my revenge for all the years of silence. The lies were big and small, everything from boys falling in love with me, to friends I planned to hang out with instead of him. I relished in every single reply obtained, from violent waves to calm tranquility, delighting in the knowledge that he could be jealous and lonely too.

I spent many nights pondering on why he would take so long to respond. Maybe he was prevented from it somehow, or he hoped that we could both move on. But no matter what answers were hidden within those waves, I knew that he loved me too, that we were together.

There were times as I became an adult, when my listless and lonely life threatened to consume me.

Even as his features blurred and my memory faded, I couldn't forget the color of his emerald eyes and boyish smile. Destined to view him from the surface of a river, disconnected yet not alone. Cursed to stay by his side eternally, while the rest of the world kept moving on.

There were times when I visited the town where my family had entered the spirit world. The fields of grass were strewn with overgrown rocks and broken buildings, and no matter how many times I walked through that tunnel, the surroundings would never change. That's when I came to realize that the gate was closed to me forever.

As I sat on the riverbed one time, with a heavy rock in my embrace, watching the blurry surroundings. I came to think about my life, how it might turn out. What If I'd never be able to feel the loving touch of another human again, what if my life would stay like this even as I got old and wrinkled. If we were cursed to live in different realms, then joining with him in this one was my only solution. Without thinking further, I took a deep breath of water. The liquid ran through my mouth and stung like a thousand needles as it entered my lungs. My body wanted to breach the surface into the light and air, yet my thoughts were at peace, reconciled with this fate. But he was not.

He tossed me out in a spray of water and dirt.

Even as the liquid burst from my mouth with every gasp, I cursed and roared with anger. Howled with tears streaming down my cheeks. How could he not understand the pain I was going through. Why did he reject me?

There were many times when I was consumed by sorrow so deep that I couldn't move forward. Every time he threw me out again. It led to some of our longest periods apart, yet I always returned, craving his touch like a drug addict craves the next high. In the end my attempts were futile. He would never accept me, and his rejection hurt more than it did to press on with my miserable life.

I was unable to live with him, nor without him. Like a bird trapped in the sky, who wish nothing more than becoming a fish in the ocean.

Thank you for sticking with me this long and that you keep reading. thanks again for the reviews, they mean a ton and make me soooo happy!

I'm already working on the next chapter and it'll probably be up in a week or less.

Thank you thank you thank you for everything!