Chapter 8: The old man

Over fields and forests the wings flutter faster than what would seem possible. I'm descending towards an overgrown groove; weeping willows droop towards the ground and flowers penetrate the billowing grass. In the middle of the meadow a moldering tree stump lay flat against the ground. On top of it sits an old man with a grey beard cascading down his knees.

"So, you arrived in the end, Chihiro…"

The thousands of butterflies hover just above the ground, he waves one hand haphazardly, and my body seems to gather into the form of a human again.

"Thank you…"

"You could have done it yourself, it's easy really… just imagine the form you want, and it will happen!"

His voice is deep and frail, like someone speaking until their throat's gone sore. He's wearing comfortable, loose brown pants and shirt with a green cloak thrown over his shoulders. His skin is old and wrinkled, a double chin peeks out of the collar and his ears are barely visible behind the thick grey mane. By his side lays a green wizard's hat. Maybe I took the wrong turn and ended up in the world of Tolkien.

"Did you bring me here?"

"Yes, indeed!"

"Why?"

"I figured you would need some help getting started!"

He chuckles and lifts something looking like a thick broken branch that's inscribed with different strange symbols. While supporting himself with it, he takes a turn around me with slow careful steps, seeming to inspect every part of me. Thinking that something might be wrong I take a glance too. My clothes have been switched into a knee-high milky white dress with short arms. If my old clothes are gone, then? I raise my hand towards my neck and claw desperately after a necklace that isn't there.

"Where is it?! It's gone!"

The words leave more like a croak than a shout, urged by the panic building in my abdomen.

"Those items were part of the human world and that's where they should remain…"

"But last time everything that I wore entered with me!"

"Yes, indeed… but this time is different, don't you think?"

"What are you talking about? What do you know?"

"I know a lot of things!"

"But how do you know about me?"

"Because I'm old and wise!"

"Well, color me convinced! Now, tell me what's going on! What happened to my things?!"

"Calm down child, this is not the time for panic, everything is exactly as it should…"

"How can I possibly calm down! An old man sweeps me away to some unknown place and I'm expected to just accept it without reason, give me a break!"

"I know that this whole situation is unsettling, but everything will become clear to you!"

"Unsettling doesn't even come near to what I'm feeling, why don't you just tell me where I am and why?!"

"One thing at a time dear, come, sit down…"

He shuffles back to the mossy stump and settles down, patting the place beside him. I cross my arms and glare at him in disbelief, my heart beating hard against my chest. He tells me that my most precious items have been lost to me forever, the only things that ever meant something. Then tells me to calm down, there's no way in hell.

"No thanks, just tell me how to get back…"

"Back where? To the human world?"

Those words merely escaped out of frustration. His reply means that I'm actually in the spirit world, that this isn't just a strange hallucination or dream.

Everything is happening too fast; I've not had a single moment to relax or think. My heart pounds like a hammer, threatening to jump out of my chest. I curl into a ball, sitting on my knees and dig my fingers into my thighs.

"You don't need to be afraid dear…"

"What do you know…"

"I know that what you need, is to sit down, it will make you feel better"

"No, I won't… you're creepy…"

I glance up and notice him laughing heartily, displaying old, browned teeth.

"I haven't heard that one in a while!" he rubs a few teardrops from the corner of his eyes and pats the spot next to him once again "I may be creepy, but do you have a better option?"

"Guess not…"

Despite my hammering chest and reluctance, I stroll towards the stump and settle down as far away from him as possible. Watching him suspiciously from the corner of my eyes.

"Here, take a candy!"

"Since childhood I learned not to accept candy from strangers…"

"What do you think will happen? That I'll kidnap you? chop you into little pieces and boil you in a stew?"

"You never know…"

"If I wanted to, don't you think I would have? Just take the candy!"

"No thanks…"

"You're stubborn as a mule… we'll just have to sit here then, until you eat it…"

Looking at his amused smirk and watery but wise eyes, I begin to consider that he might be serious.

"You seem to be just as stubborn…"

"Indeed! So, if you want to get out of here, just do as I say!"

"Fine!"

I take the candy and plop it in my mouth, what's the worst that could happen? I've already been dragged here against my will, and he probably won't let me go unless he gets what he wants. Might as well get it over with.

The caramel melts against my tongue with a pleasant taste of honey. My hammering heart seems to slow down, calmness spreads from my belly to the rest of my limbs.

"What did you do to me?"

"Nothing strange, candy is medicine for the mind, that's all!"

"…"

"Now, where to begin?"

"Maybe, it's time you told me who you are…"

"Who knows! Maybe I'm just a curious old man with too much time!"

"Hilarious…"

"Who I am doesn't matter, that's not what you really wish to know anyway!"

"How do you know? that might be the only thing I'll ever want to ask you..."

"Headstrong as always… but, I'm not intending to answer, so why not try something else?"

"We should just battle over who's the most persistent, maybe you'll be the loser…"

"Are you really sure that's how you want to spend your first day in the spirit world?"

It's like we're playing a match of tennis and he just keep on serving curve balls, it's impossible for me to counterattack. Maybe the saying 'you can't teach an old dog to sit' is right after all.

"Since you seem so sure about what's on my mind, why not just tell me what I wish to know?"

"Where's the fun in that?!"

"So, is that the reason you brought me here, to amuse you?"

"Nope, but there's no point unless you have some fun along the way, don't you think?"

"You really are a crazy old man… and it hasn't been at all pleasant for me thus far…"

"There's still time!"

"I doubt it… so, you want questions, right? But you better stop wasting my time or I'll leave and settle with being oblivious…"

"I shall satisfy your curiosity to the best of my abilities!"

"Why did you bring me here?"

"Several reasons!"

"You might not want to push my patience already…"

"Well, one reason is to give you information"

"What kind of information?"

"Things that you might ponder about unless I tell you"

"Give me an example…"

"Is there really nothing that pops in your mind right now?"

There are too many questions and thoughts that have swirled in my mind since I got here, it's difficult to single out a specific one. It hasn't helped that he's played around with me like I'm a fool.

"Why did I come here without my belongings?"

"What do you think the reason is?"

"Is this what it'll be like? I ask a question and you fling it right back at me? Stop beating around the bush and tell me!"

"What is the last thing you remember before arriving here?"

"I got hit by a car…"

"So, you got hit by a car and ended up here, it could only mean one thing, right?

A lump of anxiety has been growing steadily in my chest ever since the train station. First the car crash, followed by darkness, and confusion. One solution could be that I've gone completely insane, which is most likely. The other solution is even scarier, and so incomprehensible that it can't be true.

"How would that even be possible?"

"How is it possible to die, yet still be alive? That's your dilemma, right?"

"Yes…"

"I'll need to tell you more about this world before you can understand"

"Oh really? You actually explaining something? Who should I give an award to?"

"I can hear the drooping sarcasm… but it's fine!" He smiles teasingly and pokes me in the chest with a knobby finger. If I wasn't so confused and vexed, I might've laughed. "The spirit world is a gathering point for many different types of magical life forms. Sometimes enough spiritual residue will gather in a specific area and a gateway will open, it's very unusual, but when it happens humans can pour through. Human bodies are not meant to exist in this realm, they can't handle the strong magical aura within this world, and will eventually disintegrate"

"I was here before, why didn't anything happen then?"

"Because you managed to escape in time, it was all thanks to your efforts"

"But I'm still human… will I disintegrate this time?"

"No, you won't…"

"Why?"

"We'll get to that… so, where was I, oh that's right… do you remember the Red Express?"

"Do you mean that train?"

"Exactly! well, the Red Express is meant for transport within this realm, but it extends further than that. That train's most important purpose is to open gateways. Do you remember those black, foggy creatures you saw back then?"

"Yes…"

"They are human souls on their way to the afterlife. When humans die, their souls are meant to move on to Nangijala, the land of peace and tranquility. They board the train and await the arrival to the right station. Sometimes a soul has unfinished business and might exit at the wrong depot, turning into ghosts. In this world they might be able to finish what kept them from leaving, whether it's trying to contact a loved one, or something else. There are many options but eventually they will all reach Nangijala"

The more he speaks the less I understand, and all the while the lump in my chest is turning rock solid. Things like 'what happens after I die' has not been a big concern to me for a long time. It just gave me comfort knowing that everything might finally be over, that I could rest. Now he informs me that there's an afterlife, and that I could have gone there. How am I supposed to comprehend these concepts without a single minute of reflection?

"So, I was supposed reach the afterlife?"

"Yes… and No…"

"What's that supposed to mean? How can it be both?"

"Because you are a contradiction... souls are mirrors of our true selves… the part of your soul that is human, was meant to enter the afterlife, but the other part, what makes you 'who you are' was chosen to stay… when you last entered the spirit world you set something in motion that was not supposed to happen"

"But if I was chosen to stay, why did I turn into one of those black things?"

"Because you were presented with a choice, a test…"

"What test, why?"

"It was the beginning of the mission you'll be facing…"

"This is insane, what mission? If that was some sort of test, then I failed! if Haku hadn't stopped me I'd be on that train right now…"

Mentioning him still tugs at my heartstrings, even if we met just a moment ago. I'm still not convinced that we actually did. He might be a few miles away, maybe a whole continent, maybe even further than that. Up until now our encounter has been but a dream.

"The test was to determine whether you would stay or leave… but the outcome may not have been for you to decide!"

"The more you talk the less everything makes sense! If it was a test for me, then shouldn't my decision determine the result? You're the only contradiction here…"

"You're trying to apply logic to something that's not… if you want to survive in this world, emotions are absolutely paramount! You can't simply apply rationality in a place where it has no meaning…"

"Logic haven't failed me thus far…"

"This is what I'm talking about! You're convinced that the only way forward is to steamroll through every obstacle! There are some things in life that can only be solved by trusting your heart, to feel!"

"You're wrong… How would 'me feeling something' change anything? Relying on emotions as a sanctuary, is for people who can't face the brutality of life… they think that if they just believe in something enough, then everything will be alright! But it won't…"

"You haven't always been this rational, as a child you chose to do many things that weren't based on evidence… when you gave that 'medicine' to Haku, which saved him or when you gave the other piece to No Face, and he managed to escape the bathhouse… those decisions were based on instinct, nothing more! Your reluctance and fear of acknowledging your emotions will lead nowhere… do you think that the pain you feel will vanish just because you pretend that it's not there? that's not strength, it's weakness!"

"I've always been weak! The only difference now, is that I won't break down when faced by hardship… what pain are you even talking about, you don't know anything about what's in my heart or what I feel… "

This is the first time in ages that someone has managed to piss me off this much. It's like he knows exactly what buttons to push to get the reaction he wants. It doesn't make sense, what is he looking for? What is the goal of all this? Is he simply prodding my mind, digging into my heart to see what's in there? I won't let him.

"What do you want from me? is this another quest that I'm supposed to conquer? Survive the creepy old man digging into your thoughts? Enough already…"

"I don't want anything from you… I'm simply here to help…"

"How exactly will you help me?! If everything from here on out will be my mission, then what can you possibly do?"

"My part, is to give you the tools that you need to move forward… everything I do and say have a reason… but don't expect to find all the answers in me, because I don't have them…"

"This is too much… I'm just a simple human tossed into circumstances outside my control… why me?"

I bend over my knees and breathe deeply, trying to find some resemblance of calm. I never wanted any of this, my only wish was to meet Haku again. It seems that nothing in life comes easy, every way I turn there's another wall to climb. If there's anything that I've learned from this, it's that wishes are never served on platters.

This world seems to exist outside the concept of time. It feels like an eternity ago that I served beers to morons, yet somehow it feels like I never left. Maybe I really am insane. Maybe I'm in a coma in the human world and all of this is just some crazy fever dream.

He's still sitting by my side, watching me intricately, maybe waiting for me to say something.

"Don't let the future scare you into numbness… everything will become clear in the end…"

"How do I know what's real and not?"

"Who can decide what is, and what's not? All anybody can do, is strive forward and do everything to the best of their abilities… so the answer is, does it really matter?"

"It's a very flimsy answer, but I shouldn't expect much else coming from you… there's still some things that doesn't make sense to me…"

"Go ahead and ask…"

"What is the mission, what am I supposed to do?"

"I can't tell you that… you will learn everything that you need to know along the way… my part, is simply to help you get started…"

"Every time you open your mouth, I kinda want to shove you off this log…"

"It's reasonable… but please don't… "

"You told me that human souls who don't board the train end up as ghosts… what about me?"

"You won't…"

"Why? What's different about me?"

"Because you're no longer human…"

"Then what am I?"

"A spirit"

"That might need a bit more explaining…"

"You were a human soul entering this world… but the moment you decided to stay, that part of your soul disappeared…"

I considered that it might be like this, ever since we spoke about my death. But I didn't really want to acknowledge it. How can someone be born as a human and then change into something completely different? Will I become unrecognizable; will I still be 'me'? It feels like I'm slowly fading away, everything that I've ever known has been flipped upside down. He tells me that I can't even rely on my own mind anymore, that 'feelings' are the only thing that matters. It's a shame that I got rid of those years ago.

"What kind?"

"You will find out eventually…"

"Why was I chosen?"

"It's not for me to say…"

I laugh without the slightest hint of mirth, it's like we're going in circles and now we're back where we began. Me answering questions and he averts them.

"You made it sound as if my return was known to many, other than you… why?"

"Because your arrival has been foretold since long ago…"

"Since when?"

"Long before you left the spirit world"

"But you told me that this was not meant to happen, that it wasn't supposed to be me…"

"Long ago a prophecy was told, stating that there would appear a chosen one… that being, was supposed to be born from this realm… yet every sign that was supposed to identify the chosen one, led to you…"

"I guess you won't tell me what the prophecy was about, like why such a person would be needed at all…"

"No, I won't…"

"Why?"

"I've only been told what I'm supposed to know…"

"What if you're lying and just don't want to tell me out of spite?"

"Well, you'll never know if I were, right?"

His face contorts in a shrewd smile, eyes squinting into lines. I'm usually good at knowing when someone's lying, to judge what goes on in their minds. Yet It's impossible to tell what's behind that impenetrable wall.

"I don't get it, why was it me? Everything that I did back then was in order to protect those dear to me… "

"You are more special than you give yourself credit for… maybe you'll be able to see that in the end…"

There's still one thing lingering in my mind, something that I dared not ask. Even when I tried to form the words, they refused to leave my mouth. But this might be the only chance that I'll ever have of finding out the truth.

"Did Haku know that I would return?..."

"Yes, he knew…"

"Since when?"

"Since before you left the Spirit World…"

My breath hitches in my throat, forming a new lump of anxiety to join the stone that was already there. If he always knew, then why did he approach me back then?

I stand up, stumbling forward. Everything comes crashing down in an instant. This was not how I imagined my return to the spirit world. Even though fifteen years have passed, I refused to relinquish this one childish dream. That we would reunite in a warm hug, that we would laugh out of relief, that we might kiss. My naivete knew no bounds.

To find out that the love I thought we shared, might be nothing but an illusion. But it hurts too much to continue that train of thoughts any further. If there was some way for me to disappear right now, I'd take it. But this world is unknown to me, there's no place to hide or run to.

There's ever only been one person whom I've been desperate to reunite with, yet now I'm too afraid to face him. Life sure is ironic.

There is one place that might still be open to me, one place where I might find some comfort.

"So, 'Mr. knows everything, but won't talk about it'… the path that I'm supposed to follow, where is it? What's my first step?"

"You should search for the Oracle, then you'll learn what you need to know…"

"And where is this 'Oracle'?"

"You will find her at Tirnanog…"

"And where's that?..."

"Follow the white eight-legged horse…"

"Terrific, another mystery to solve… you know, just once I would like for someone to say 'I'll gladly help out, no strings attached"

"This was never meant to be easy… but you won't be alone… learn to confide in those around you… ask for help and you'll find it…"

"Sure, I'll remember that… now, how do I get away from here?"

"Think of the place you want to travel, and you'll be guided in its direction"

"So, should I walk all the way there?"

"You could, but I'd suggest spirit transformation, it'll be much faster…"

"So, how does that work?"

"Just imagine the form you wish to adopt, and it'll happen…"

"Can I turn into a flying saber-toothed moose lion?"

"I don't know what that is, but no… only your spirit and human form"

"Great… thanks for your… assistance… goodbye"

He watches me full of pity and compassion, but I never asked for it, and don't need it.

I close my eyes and imagine thousands of fiery butterflies. Immediately the air around me begins to hum as if charged by electricity. My eyes open and I'm hovering just above ground. It's a strange sensation to feel everything as though I'm not divided into several pieces. All five senses work just as they're supposed to.

I picture the destination clearly in my mind and can already tell in which direction I'm supposed to go. Yet again I'm flying over oceans and forests, through clouds and over mountains. Finally, the cabin comes into view and a wave of nostalgia surge through me. I stop before the door and turn back into my human form, then knock.

You might wonder what a "saber-toothed moose lion" is, just search for that name and you'll see, it's from Avatar the last airbender ^^

So, Chihiro has become a spirit and now sent on an adventure! Wonder what will happen next ^^

Thanks again for your support, reviews, favorites and follows. It's always so motivating to see that you guys like my story.