notice: this chapter has been revamped

Chapter 10 – Part 2: Monster

His gaze is steady and unwavering despite the fear. He sighs and clears his throat, every second ticking away builds another layer of anxiety within me.

"The things I've done… it's just…"

The words the old man uttered comes to mind, that Haku knew that I would return. It might be the reason why he's hesitating, at least that's what's been on my mind ever since. If he doesn't want to be the one to breach that subject, I will.

"Did you know about the prophecy? ..." When his eyes widen in surprise, I know it to be true. "So, you did know… he wasn't lying…"

"Who wasn't lying?"

"We can focus on that later… tell me what you know…"

He heaves a sigh and knit his hands together, lowering his gaze.

"Yes… I knew about it all…"

"What's 'it all'?"

"The prophecy… that you'd come back… that…"

"That?"

"That you would suffer in the human world…"

His words take a while to sink in, but when they do, it feels like a punch in the gut. He knew what I was heading for, yet sent me through that gate anyway.

"So, you knew? …"

"Yes… but I didn't know how bad it would be…"

It sounds like a pathetic excuse scrambled together when nothing better came to mind. My arms fall slack to my sides, my body frozen in place as if stunned. Why would it matter how much or little he knew, that's not the point "Why didn't you tell me? …"

"What could I possibly have said?"

"Something! Anything!"

"I tried to! But everything happened so fast, one minute you were there and the next you were gone!"

"That's a very bad excuse!"

"If I told you, thing's might've changed in ways we can't imagine! Would you've gladly returned, facing everything head on if you knew?"

I begin pacing back and forth, thoughts swiveling in my head like an endless stream. When I left the old man, I was convinced things couldn't get much worse, but God was I proven wrong. It feels like my mind is slowly shattering, piece by piece.

"Maybe! Telling me 'Something' would have been better than sending me away, smiling, as if nothing was wrong!"

"Is that really what you think?"

I whip toward him, hissing fiercely "I don't know!"

"If you don't, how was I supposed to?"

"Why are you arguing with me? if this wasn't supposed to be the thing worth hating and blaming you for, then what is?"

Instead of answering I'm met by the same cold, nervous gaze that's been trailing me all this time. His silence affects me more than if he'd say something stupid, and I grow more anxious by every passing second. Since he refuses to speak, there's nothing to halt the endless ranting pouring from my lips.

"I was scared when the old dude told me about you… because… damn… how… but this… I don't know what to do, or how to feel…"

"I promised we would see each other again, what did you think it meant? What did you expect?"

"Not this!"

"I wanted to tell you more, I really did! But that was the only thing I could give you!"

The grass below me has formed a flattened path where I've stirred back and forth in complete frenzy. He was never meant to see this awful side of me. I don't even know where it came from, or that I was even capable of it. The last time I behaved like this was as a child.

But it's impossible to halt this building panic now. It's fueled by one chock after the other, so overwhelming that neither my body nor mind can handle it. Every nerve in my body pulls in different directions, an electric tingling that threatens to explode any minute now. I want to bolt, run away, disappear. But before that thought can materialize, his hand has circled my arm firmly, stopping me in my endless track.

"Don't go anywhere…"

I glare at the ground, fighting the urge not to immediately brush his hand away "Why?!"

"You can scream at me, curse me, hit me… you can hate me… but please don't run away…"

I whip toward him, ready to hurl all the anger I've got at him. But when our eyes meet, that fury disperses like a breath of vapor. I've never seen such an expression in my whole life. So grave and broken, that I unconsciously want to reach out and grasp it. For a while we stand like two lost souls without making a sound. But this silence is much worse than his words could ever be.

"I won't run… and I won't do any of those things either… so just talk to me…"

"What do you want me to say? …"

"Explain… tell me everything…"

He takes a deep breath, clears his throat, opens and closes his mouth repeatedly. I recognize the process. It's what I did every time I tried telling my mother what was going on in the house.

"Is it really that difficult to talk about?"

"Yes…"

"Then begin with something simple… maybe the rest will follow along…"

"Maybe…"

"So?"

"Well…" He clears his throat again, more firmly this time "I'd been working for Yubaba for many years, when she stole my name, she stole my independence along with it… in the beginning it didn't matter much, I was stupid and ignorant, adamant on nothing but learning magic… but the longer I spent in that awful bathhouse, the more dangerous and shameful every task became that were thrown my way… I wanted to break free from her, but I needed my name back… it took many years until I finally stumbled upon a clue, it was something Yubaba said in a moment of carelessness… it was about the Oracle, and…"

I twitch at the mentioning of the Oracle, it couldn't be a coincidence that we're both connected with her.

"What?"

"The old man told me about the Oracle, but it doesn't matter right now… please continue"

"If you say so… well, it's not an easy task finding her. The path towards her land moves constantly, and you have to be invited to be able to enter… in the end she approached me and gave me information that was far from what I was hoping for… she told me that the chosen one would reveal my name, it didn't make sense at all… so I pushed her about the subject and she told me the prophecy… and that was that…"

"So you heard the prophecy?! Do you remember it?"

"Not the wording per se…"

"Then what?"

"She told me that the chosen one would restore my name, that they would return fifteen years hence and go through things… that would break most people…"

"Was that all?"

"Isn't that enough?" He glances toward me with an angry scowl which I ignore.

"But how did you know what was going to happen? How did you know that I would… well, how did you know that I was going to board that train?"

"Because she told me… she… told me that I was going to be given a choice… so that's why I traveled so far…"

"What choice?"

He glares at the ground and the same process begin once more, almost like a goldfish gulping for air. Had it been any other person than him, that expression would make me laugh, but now it's just depressing. A few tresses have fallen loose from his hair tie and gently sway against his cheek, their movement almost hypnotizing.

"Do you really want to know? …"

"Yes"

It dawns on me suddenly, the possibility that what he's trying to tell me might be far worse than I can imagine. Maybe I should stop him. But I've never been one to shy away from the truth, no matter how much it'll hurt.

He slowly raises his head to meet my gaze, his glare so intense that I feel like retreating. But that would be like rejecting him.

"Can you promise to stay by my side after I've told you?"

"Do you still worry about that?"

"What else 'could' I be worried about?"

"Something less absurd"

"Will you?"

I search his gaze but there's nothing but need and frailty in it, I sigh "Fine, if it'll help… I promise"

He begins pacing back and forth along the path I flattened out a few moments ago. His hands clenched into fists at his side. My heart rate slowly increases, as if his nervousness is contagious.

"My choice… was to decide if I should let you go or not…"

"What? …"

"Like the selfish, greedy bastard that I've always been, I placed myself before you… I knew that you'd go through hell, that you'd probably be broken and torn… that if I chose to let you go, you'd be at peace by now… but I forced you to stay with me, no matter how painful it was or would become…"

He laughs morosely, it's a sad desperate gurgle that I recognize all too well. It tugs at my heartstrings more painfully than if he'd cried outright.

"But that was my path… you had nothing to do with it…"

He whips towards me hissing fiercely "You think?!"

I take a step back from the unexpected outburst, it's not so much his anger or restlessness that feels alarming. It's that 'something' hiding within, trying to break out.

"You're beginning to scare me…"

"Maybe that's for the best! Maybe you should run while you still can!"

"You wouldn't let me…"

He laughs even higher than before. It's like we've both turned into madmen, urged on by a desperate urge to show each other just exactly what kind of people we really are.

"I've always been greedy, so much that I've got no quarrels saddening people around me… I just never pictured that you'd be one of them…"

"Just get to the point!"

"You didn't have to become the chosen one! … If I'd let you go, someone else would have taken your place!"

My heart seems to freeze, the turmoil from before cooled by one single sentence "What… what are you saying?"

"The moment you returned to the human world could have been the end of it… I tried, I really did… for the longest time I left you alone… but the moment you threatened to disappear from my life forever, I abandoned that notion in a heartbeat… even after that it was not too late, if I'd left you alone, it would be the end of it… yet I refused to give up, I traveled desperately all over the realm to stop you from boarding that train… you see now?"

"…"

"I'm the reason why you're here! I'm the reason why you're hurting, why you're shouldering all that sorrow by yourself! Even now I'm clinging to you desperately, asking you to stay when you should feel free to hate me!"

"…"

"Now you know… just what kind of monster I really am…"

"…"

He whips toward me with tears streaming down his cheeks, a wild, almost unhinged fire in his eyes "say something! Tell me that you hate me! that you never want to see me again!"

"Is that all? ..."

"What do you mean, 'is that all'?!"

"Are you done, is there something else I should know?"

He glares dumbfounded at me with wet cheeks, hands at his sides.

"That's all…"

"Thank you for telling me…"

I stride past him, unsure whether to comfort him or not. If it was me, I'd rather be left alone to deal with my inner turmoil.

The discarded blanket lies in a heap next to the rock, I pick it up, fling it in the air and let it descend slowly towards the ground. I kneel on the uneven ground and try to flatten out the bumps as best I can, then lay down, trying to ignore the rough texture pressing against my back.

Above me the dark, vast canopy spans further than the eye can reach, specked with billions of radiant stars. It's beautiful and breathtaking. I never got to see sights like these before, the arduous city lights would always drown out the sky.

I glance to the side at his desolate back, on those shoulders that would seem to break if any more pressure weighed on them.

"You should join me… the ground is rough, but the view is amazing…"

"Are you serious? …"

"Yup"

He faces me slowly without meeting my gaze "Is that all you have to say?"

"Yup"

"Can you stop saying that?!"

"What do you want me to say?" my voice is far calmer than his, which is understandable. By now the turmoil within me has been switched to something resembling creamy mush.

"I want an appropriate reaction! This… it's just making me… you're killing me with this tension!"

"Sure, I'll tell you what I feel… but it's stressful with you standing there…"

"I don't feel like laying down gazing at the sky right now…"

"Why not?"

" … "

"Fine, then at least sit by my side…"

He walks over reluctantly and settles down beside me, hugging his knees. I could've never imagined him looking like this, almost childish. Back then he was always stoic and majestic, impossible to reach, a fleeting dream. He had the body of a child, but was cold and distant like a statue, only becoming slightly lukewarm when prompted to. He must've changed a lot since we last saw each other, and he's not the only one.

That's when a thought suddenly plucks at my mind, something I don't really want to think about, so I push it away before it can fester.

"I told you to tell me how you feel… but I'm not so sure anymore…"

"Make up your mind, do you want to know or not?"

"I guess not knowing is worse"

"Before I tell you… can you answer some questions I have?"

He chuckles faintly, like all air has left him "What more is there to know?... but sure, go ahead…"

"Why did you approach me all those years ago?"

"Where does this come from all of a sudden?"

"It's important to me…"

He glances over his shoulder, the glow from the moon and stars landing just right to reflect beautifully from his emerald eyes.

"Well… it wasn't really a plan, you just appeared on that bridge, and I happened to see you…"

"I didn't mean that… afterwards you came to help me… you could have left, abandoned me, ignored me… why didn't you?"

He turns away again, his words grow somewhat muffled, as if he's hiding them behind his hand.

"I'm not sure…"

"Would you have done the same if it was anyone else?"

"Guess so…"

I sigh and reposition my head against the ground, planting my hands underneath it, somewhat softening the touch.

"Then afterwards, you continued to help me, why?"

"Where's all this talk going?"

"Just answer please…"

This time it's his turn to sigh, and unexpectedly fall to the ground next to me. There're only a few centimeters separating us, sending a new bout of nervous flutters through my heart.

"Fine…maybe I was simply drawn to you…"

"Is that all?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want to know what you felt back then"

The blanket scrapes beside me by his movements, maybe he turned this way, but I'm too nervous to check.

"Why?"

"Because I'm well aware why I did what I did, what I felt… every moment is crystal clear to me… but I've never got a chance to hear your side of the story…"

"So, you want a fairytale?"

"I've always wanted nothing but the truth…"

"Okay… I'll try to explain…"

Every time he speaks, soft puffs breeze against my elbow, which means his mouth must be near, which means he indeed turned this way. My heart races so wildly that I bet he can hear it thumping away. I fight desperately to keep any sign of my nervousness from showing. Though my mouth does twitch a bit from tension.

"In the beginning you were but a lost human child I met on a bridge… you were clumsy, naïve and scared… I couldn't help but aid you… even I am not enough of a bastard, to leave a child to fend for themselves… then you showed not only me, but everyone, what you were really made of… you faced things that would scare most people into apathy… when you helped that river spirit who no one else would touch… when you stood up to the monstrous No Face… everything you did back then was a marvel… you saved me again and again… you even went to Zeniba to apologize for me when there was no insurance that you would return alive… all of those amazing things were accomplished by a single, human child… you won me over with your fierceness, loyalty and incredible bravery, and that hasn't changed…"

By now his words have turned my body into a heap of tingling mush. I must fight not to burn up from the heat spreading from my cheeks to the rest of me. It's a blessing that it's still dark enough to prevent him from seeing just how bright red I am.

"Is that enough of an explanation? ..."

I can almost touch the drooping sarcasm from his casual sentence. It makes me want to slap him back into the insecure boy he was a moment ago. Maybe my poor state did wonders for him, it's embarrassing that he can read me so well.

"Mhm…"

"Your turn…"

"Huh?"

"You told me that you'd explain how you feel…"

"I never did anything of the sort!"

I move my arms from the back of my head and place them upon my abdomen, since they began to prickle in that annoying way right before they fall asleep.

"Are you really going to pretend you didn't? …"

"Depends…"

"Depends on what?"

"Depends, if you'll continue teasing me…"

"Fine… I won't…"

"So…"

"So?"

"Well… damn this is hard… okay… my life has been nothing but chaos, I'm sure you're aware of that… it hasn't changed since I got here… I've been pelted by more information than my mind can handle, and there's not been enough time to process any of it…"

He shifts again, maybe fitting himself into a more comfortable position. I hate how my body reacts to him, every movement and action elicits a new response.

I clear my throat "this is not even close to how I imagined it would turn out, my return… it was impossible to think that I would… well… anyway! The first thing to happen is that someone tosses me a mission and tell me to follow a path, yet won't explain why… there's not even room for refusal, because I was chosen for this… how could I even be expected to wrap my head around a concept like that… so…"

I steel myself and lean my head to meet his gaze, but he's much closer than I expected and I almost recoil. Despite every nerve in my being screaming and tingling, I keep my eyes on his.

"Ever since I got back here, I've felt lost, as if in a dark maze with no escape… after I met the old man and found out that you knew about me, I became scared… it made me believe that you might've only wanted me as a tool… or something of the sort… for me… you've always held a special place in my heart…"

I turn away, unable to stand the tension any longer. My fingers knit together nervously, pressing together to find some kind of anchor.

"But the sorrow that held me, that fear… it blew away the moment you told me that you choose me… now it feels like this mission has something in it for me… if you are a selfish, greedy bastard… then I am too… we are two peas in a pod you and me… from the moment I was told I had a mission, I thought 'why me, how come I have to do this'… I've never been one to sacrifice myself for an unknown cause, especially without reason… but now… it's different… with you by my side, it feels like I can do it… so, I won't hate you, I wouldn't be able to even if I tried… I want you to stick annoyingly close, even when I'm sad, angry or push you away… that's the type of greedy being I am…"

When those words leave my lips, I regret it almost immediately. I don't understand how I could allow myself to say something so embarrassing. But I want to see his reaction anyway and throw a glance through the corner of my eyes. To my astonishment he doesn't smile with mirth at my expense, he's not even irked.

He is crying.

It was the last thing I thought my words could accomplish. I'm beginning to scramble for anything to say, to take it back. But before I can open my mouth to ramble something incohesive, he opens his.

"Thank you…"

"…"

"Can I hold your hand? …"

"Mhm…"

I release the grip I held like a wise around myself, my fingers sore from the pressure. But when his hand replaces my own, it's like electricity courses through me and every hair stands on end. A sweet tingle settles in my abdomen as he places our knitted hands between us.

"You were going to tell me about the old man, no?"

"Oh… I'd forgotten all about that…"

Thanks for the support and for reading this story! I've still got so much studying to do that writing will be pushed to the back. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and the reveals, and hope you will return for the next chapter, have a great time until then!

Lots of hugs from me, Alpha.