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"Dyad's Blessing, Dyad's Curse"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 37

"Rey . . . I'm sorry."

Rey hadn't even noticed that Finn was next to her. How long had she been sitting in the hospital waiting room, mindlessly watching people enter and exit and listening to the advertisements playing on the various holoscreens? At her feet, D-O leaned against the chair leg, occasionally making noises that sounded like a droid's version of sighs.

"Rey?" Finn repeated. "Rey, do you hear me?"

"Yes," Rey whispered, though she still couldn't move. She felt almost as drained as she had after Palpatine had sucked out her energy and Ben's to restore himself even though she knew that this time it was mental.

She felt Finn's gentle hand on her shoulder. "It's all right, Rey. Poe and I made sure he wasn't mistreated on the way."

"On the way to prison," she spat out.

There was a moment's pause before he spoke. "Yes."

Finally Rey looked at him. "He might not have been mistreated on the way to prison, but that doesn't mean he won't be mistreated in there!"

"I know," said Finn, "but that part's out of our hands . . ."

"It was the Resistance's choice to send him there!" Rey retorted. "At least here he had people who cared about him and a comfortable room – he could live something like a normal existence! In prison they'll only see Kylo Ren – it might drive him to see himself as Kylo Ren again!"

"Wait, wait," said Finn, eyes bulging. "Are you saying he could lapse back to the dark side?"

"I don't know," said Rey, "but he wishes he were dead – he told me that just last night. If he doesn't feel that he's loved, he might actually try to harm himself . . ."

"Rey, Rey," interrupted Finn, staring into her eyes, "slow down!"

"I'm serious!" Rey couldn't keep the sobs out of her voice. "You may not care what happens to him – it might even be convenient for the Resistance if he ended up killing himself – but I do!"

A sudden wave of hurt flowed from him. "Do you love him? Is that it?"

Rey groaned. "Not this again!"

Suddenly D-O perked up at this twist of subjects. "D-do you love him?"

"This isn't about that!" Rey exclaimed a bit too loudly for a hospital waiting room, causing several patrons to take notice of them before going back to their business. "Caring whether or not someone kills himself doesn't mean I'm in love with him!"

"But are you?" Finn asked.

"I don't believe this!" Rey ground her teeth, kneading her fingers into her forehead. "I'm talking about suicide and you two are trying to spin this into a romance!"

"Sorry," D-O squeaked.

Now Finn's hand was on her back, rubbing it in little circles. "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't act like a jealous boyfriend – I mean, er, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend anyway, right, we're definitely not . . ."

Suddenly Rey looked up at him, something in her mind clicking into place. "That's what you wanted to tell me on Pasaana, isn't it?"

Finn let out a long sigh, abruptly turning to the holoscreens, his twisting mouth looking rather adorable. "It doesn't matter."

Rey's throat went dry. Did she really have two people imply their love for her in less than twenty-four hours? She took a deep breath, wishing again that deciding who to date was her biggest problem. "I don't know if I love you – or Ben. Maybe I love you both, maybe I love neither of you, I don't know, but right now it's not a good idea for me to get in a relationship."

"All right, I understand that." Finn's voice was gentle, devoid of any resentment as he kept rubbing her back. "Really, I do . . . but if you did decide you were in love with him, I don't think that's a good idea – and that's not me being jealous or anything. I mean, if you decided to date Poe or something – well, I'm not gonna lie, I might be a bit hurt, but I'd still be happy for you guys cause, you know, Poe's a great guy, but Ben . . ."

"I know, I know," said Rey. "You don't need to remind me of all the things he did – I've been dreaming about them enough, and so has he! He can't escape what he did – ever!" She swallowed a sob. "Last night when we linked he was begging me to hold him, like . . . like he was drowning in his own emotion – I could feel his suffering!" The next sob resisted being swallowed and came out like a raspy cough. "He killed his father and his mother gave her life for him – both his parents are dead because of him – and he has to live with that reality every minute of every day!"

"At least he knew his parents," Finn muttered. "He might not have been in charge of the stormtroopers as such, but he still led the organization that stole babies from their parents and didn't do anything to stop that!"

"I know that."

"But that doesn't matter?"

"Of course it matters!"

"But not enough. Not enough to want to see justice done."

"Justice." The word tasted sour in her mouth. "Is it really justice to lock someone up for the rest of their life when they want to fix what they've done?"

Finn's hand ceased its massaging, his fingers spreading out over her back. "Rey, a lot of the stuff he did can't be fixed. You know that and he knows that."

Some part of Rey wanted to deny his words even though she knew they were the truth. The ugly, unchanging truth that could never be erased. "Yes, he knows that," she said, "and the fact that they can't be fixed haunts him every day and night. Even when he was still in the dark side, it haunted him."

"Yeah, well, that interrogation haunts you. Poe's interrogation haunts him. I'll bet a lot of others are haunted by other stuff he did."

How could she respond? Any attempt to explain how Ben wished he was dead or was suffering depression sounded like she would be making excuses for his actions or trivializing the countless dead and tortured souls. Probably most people would say he should be suffering depression and should wish he was dead.

"Sad," said D-O, reminding Rey of his presence. She looked down at him, seeing that his neck was craned upward and though he couldn't change his expression, he still looked strangely pensive. "B-Ben is sad."

"Yes," said Rey. "He's sad."

Finn responded only by wrapping his arms around her.