AN: Thanks as always for reading and reviewing!

"Dyad's Blessing, Dyad's Curse"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 47

"Finn . . . I need to tell you something."

Rey's stomach had been turning somersaults all morning, but now that she and Finn were at their little restaurant table by the giant window, she wondered if she would end up regurgitating her breakfast. Part of her wanted to postpone this indefinitely, but no, he had a right to know.

Even if it would tear their friendship apart . . .

"What is it?" Finn asked in that voice that always made her feel safe and comfortable.

Rey gulped, concentrating on not letting tears flow as she looked into his soft eyes. "Finn, what you told me the other day . . ." She fumbled for words. "You're my best friend, you were the first one to care about me since my parents left, and I do love you – but I love you as a friend." She reached over and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, I really am, but . . . I can't force myself to feel things I don't feel."

Finn just stared at her for several moments, scarcely blinking, sadness flowing from him, but not surprise. "It's . . ." he finally said, ". . . it's Ben, isn't it?"

Rey's mouth went dry. How could she answer that?

Finn's gaze shot downward to his empty plate. "Look, if you don't love me, fine. I don't want you to try to force yourself to love me, but . . ." He looked back up at her, his eyes wide. ". . . but when we're talking about someone we both saw murder his father . . ."

"I know," said Rey, "but he's not Kylo Ren anymore."

"And that makes everything he did okay?"

"Of course it doesn't! Believe me, I've seen inside his head and it haunts him every single day. He wishes with all his heart that he could undo everything he did as Kylo, but he can't!" She felt her breath increasing its intensity. "I'm not asking you to forgive him or invite him into the Resistance, but could you try to imagine that you did something horrible that haunts you every minute of every day, but you can't change it because it's already done? No matter how much you try to atone for what you did, you can never erase it! Ever!"

Finn gazed downward again, drumming his fingers on the table. "Look," he said after several moments, "even if everything you say is true, I don't want you to get hurt."

"He won't hurt me."

"Maybe not intentionally," said Finn, "but that doesn't mean you won't get hurt." He wrapped his fingers around her hand. "Rey, he's in prison. Most of the galaxy wants him dead. Even if he is all changed, how could you and he have anything resembling a normal relationship?"

Rey was silent, shifting her gaze over to Rose and Jannah seated at a nearby table. They were laughing together about something, their body language relaxed as if they were totally at peace with each other. Rey found herself feeling a stab of envy as she remembered the dream of the world with no Kylo Ren – the world that never was and could never be.

"I don't know," she whispered.

. . .

Rey wasn't going to miss today's meeting. She was at the meeting room half an hour early, even before the food and drinks were set up, which provided a surprise to Poe when he pushed in the floating cart with the caf maker and the snacks.

"Rey?" he exclaimed, stopping in his tracks.

Rey stood up and headed over to him, figuring this was as good a time as any to make amends with him. "Here, let me help you with that." Without waiting for his answer, she picked up the heavy caf maker with the Force and gently placed it on the table, causing him to cock his head and raise his eyebrows at her.

"So . . . no emergency visits with Ben today?" he asked.

"I'm here, aren't I?" said Rey, hoping she wouldn't have a moment like yesterday morning during the meeting. My name is Rey, I grew up on Jakku, my parents saved me from Emperor Palpatine, and I'm in love with Ben Solo. Again that last thought made her heart thump.

"Yeah," Poe said, picking up the plate of cheese and fruit before Rey could, "but, well, Finn told me something rather interesting about the two of you."

Her heart thumped again, but this time in nervousness. She hadn't told Finn not to tell anyone, so she couldn't be angry at him, but she still found that she couldn't look Poe in the eye. "He did?"

"Yeah," said Poe. "Look, I'm not gonna go poking into your love life, but you do realize that if this gets out, people are gonna question your loyalty to the Resistance, right?"

Rey suddenly found her distorted reflection in the caf maker's surface rather interesting. "Well, aren't they already questioning my loyalty with that rumor about my parentage going around?" She picked up a stack of plates – not using the Force this time – and placed them on the table next to the fruit and cheese plate. "It's also apparently a known fact that I was visiting Ben so much in the hospital."

"Yeah, which means we're walking a very thin line here," said Poe. "We've already got to convince who-knows-how-many planets that another Galactic Republic won't crumble like the previous two did and one of the Resistance's heroes frolicking around with the First Order's Supreme Leader isn't going to help convince . . . wait, do you two do it when you Force link or whatever it is that happens?"

Finally Rey looked at him, unable to stop herself from glaring. "No, we don't, and neither of us have much interest in doing it with anyone."

"Sorry," said Poe, letting out a sigh as he carefully placed the pastry plate next to the fruit and cheese plate. "Look, it would be nice to think that a union between the last Jedi and the former Supreme Leader of the First Order would miraculously bring peace to the galaxy and love would conquer all and their love would inspire everyone to lay down their arms and all that stuff that happens in children's stories – but this isn't one of those stories. Real life's more complicated than that."

. . .

My name is Rey, I grew up on Jakku, my parents saved me from Emperor Palpatine.

She kept repeating those words throughout the meeting. Though she remembered to smile and greet the representatives, the meeting progressed like a haze in her mind.

My name is Rey, I grew up on Jakku, my parents . . .

Poe was talking about something . . . something to do with how Ben had provided information about the First Order . . . Ben . . . was he all right? Why couldn't she concentrate?

My name is Rey, I grew up on Jakku, my parents are Leia Organa and Han Solo . . .

Wait . . . no, that wasn't right . . . was it?

If it wasn't, why could she remember snuggling between them on a couch, smelling grease and sweat from Han and flowery perfume from Leia?

Her hands started shaking under the table. My name is Rey, my parents are . . . my parents did . . . Her teeth were chattering behind her lips. I grew up . . . Palpatine . . . Solo . . . I killed my . . . no, I didn't! . . . my name is . . . my name is . . .

"Rey? REY!"

She blinked as if waking from a dream, realizing that Finn had his hand on her shoulder and everyone in her field of vision was staring at her. "Wha . . . what?"

"Are you all right?" Finn asked. "We were talking about the stormtrooper reunion program and you – you spaced out."

"I'm . . . I'm sorry," she stammered, unable to say anything else, wishing she could run out like she had during the meeting on Ajan Kloss and wondering if Ben had just experienced the same lapse in memory she had. She took a deep breath, trying to pay attention to the meeting but still finding herself unable to do so.

My name is Rey, I grew up on Jakku, my parents saved me from Emperor Palpatine, and I'm NOT Ben.

I'm not . . .

I'm not . . .