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"Dyad's Blessing, Dyad's Curse"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 58
One vote.
The votes were counted again – Poe even stated that anyone who wished to change their vote was welcome to do so – but the result was still the same. One vote. It passed through Poe's mind to declare that they needed a two-thirds majority in order to pass the motion, but no: it wouldn't be right to change the rules just because he didn't like the outcome of a vote.
Ben's hologram bowed his head, saying "Thank you. I promise I'll do all I can to help you take down what's left of the First Order" and then it flickered off and Poe dismissed the meeting. People filed out of the room muttering, making Poe wish he knew how to reassure them, but how could he reassure them when he didn't know how to reassure himself?
Before he knew it, the room was empty except for himself and Finn, who made his way to the head of the table and placed his hand on Poe's shoulder. "Hey," he said, "are you okay?"
Poe inhaled through his nose, closing his eyes. "I just hope we're doing the right thing."
"We all do," said Finn, giving an audible swallow. "Are you mad at me for voting yes?"
"No. I mean, you wanna help the kids too. And well, everyone deserves a second chance, right?" He opened his eyes, staring down at his hands clasped on the table, fingering a cuticle. "You got one, Jannah got one, so Ben should get one too, right?"
"Right," said Finn, though Poe didn't need the Force to sense the hesitance behind his answer.
. . .
Ben held his breath as he took tiny steps towards the casket that was illuminated by candles shining at its corners - the only light to be found in the dark void. He didn't want to go near the casket, but it was silently calling to him and his only other option was to get lost in the dark. Light . . . light was more desirable than dark, right?
Even if light meant death?
There he lay, eyes closed, hands clasped atop his chest, as if he could be sleeping, except there was no breath, no sound, no movement of any kind. Why did people want to make corpses look like they were sleeping anyway? Anyone who looked at them for more than a second would be able to see that wasn't the case.
Besides, Ben knew his father liked to sleep on his side.
He took a deep breath, a lump forming in his throat. "Hey Dad," he whispered. What else was there to say? "I . . . can you hear me? I wish you were alive - I could really use your support right now." His eyes started welling up, blurring Han's eerily glowing face. "I miss you and Mom . . . so damn much!"
Tears flowed down his cheeks, his words coming out in choking sobs. "Dad, please, I'm scared, I need you!"
Silence.
"I'm talking to a corpse," Ben whispered through his sobs. "A corpse, a thing!" Suddenly he wanted to hit something, but what? His father's body? Himself? Whatever had sent him to this void?
"You killed me . . ."
Ben's eyes shot open. It was Han's voice, but his body remained still. "Dad?"
"You killed me . . ."
His father's voice came not from the dead body, but from the endless darkness around the casket.
"You killed me . . ."
"D-Dad, I . . ."
"You killed me . . . KYLO REN!"
. . .
"Ben, Ben, wake up!"
Ben gasped, his eyes opening to find himself lying in the prison bunk, Rey hovering over him in that familiar red glow from the forcefield. "Ben!" she exclaimed, running her hand over his damp cheek. "Are you awake? Can you hear me?"
He blinked several times before he could answer, making sure she was there and he wasn't still dreaming. "I can't do it!" he sobbed. "I can't be Kylo Ren again!"
"Kylo Ren is dead!" She said it again with that same forcefulness, as if she refused to consider the idea that he could return.
Ben sniffled. "I thought Ben Solo was dead for a long time. I wanted him dead for a long time."
For a moment there was a flash of uncertainty in Rey's eyes before she took his head into her hands and kissed his forehead. "Ben never died," she whispered. "No matter how much Kylo tried to kill him, Ben was always there - your parents knew it." She kissed him again. "And even when you pretend to be Kylo, you'll still be Ben, the man I love."
The man I love. Those words only pushed more tears out of his eyes. "You shouldn't love me," he choked out between sobs. "No one should."
"Stop it," said Rey, brushing her thumb over his eyes to wipe his tears.
Ben swallowed in a vain attempt to eliminate the lump in his throat. "What if Kylo Ren isn't dead? What if he's just sleeping and waiting for an opportunity like this?"
"He's dead," Rey insisted once again. "You're too strong for him now."
"I don't feel strong."
"You're stronger than you think you are." Rey ran her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp. "And don't forget, I'll be there for you."
Ben sniffled again, needing several short breaths before he could speak again. "I'd feel better about this if I had a mask."
"A mask?"
"Just hear me out. When I had the mask, I could hide. It didn't matter if my face was betraying any emotion or vulnerability since the mask covered it all. I could be intimidating even when I didn't feel it."
Rey ran her teeth over her bottom lip as if unsure how to process this revelation. "Then why did you remove it for me?"
Ben lowered his eyes, trying not to remember that time. "I don't really know. Maybe part of me sensed a connection with you even then." He gulped again. "Then . . . then I took it off for Dad when he said he wanted to see the face of his son . . . I think part of me wanted him to see me and wanted to come home with him, but . . ." He broke down in sobs once again, collapsing into Rey's arms.
Rey held him for several moments without saying anything, running her hands up and down his head. "You can't change what happened," she finally said in a careful voice, "but you can change the future." A sudden burst of inspiration came flowing from her, the sort of excitement that had come from her when it occurred to her to call on the Force in battle. "And if a mask would make this easier for you, then I have an idea."