Disclaimer: Characters and ideas from the Harry Potter franchise are not my own.

Trigger Warning(s): Depictions of and/or references to mental illness, depression, and suicide.

The Closest Person to Him

Chapter 9: Hope

By mid-morning, Madam Pomfrey determined that she could start bringing Minerva out of the magically-induced coma. Things seemed to be going well for a while. She was breathing well on her own, and her other vital signs were adequate, if not excellent. She was somewhat responsive, if not yet awake. Then, not fifteen minutes after a regular check-in, Albus heard alarms scream from Minerva's room. Poppy rushed in, and he hadn't seen her since.

That was over an hour ago. Although the alarms stopped, he didn't feel particularly encouraged by how long Minerva needed to be attended. He could really use some more Draught of Peace or Calming Draught, but Poppy said he wasn't allowed another dose until the evening.

Finally, Poppy returned to her office. Before she could provide an update, Albus paused his pacing back-and-forth and unloaded his pent-up anxieties on her.

"I don't know how I could let this happen."

Poppy looked mildly confused, as if unsure whether he was talking about Minerva's minor setback just now, or if he was talking about the entire ordeal.

"It's not your fault, Albus. You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I should've stopped her, Poppy. I don't know—I don't know why I stood and watched. This should not have happened."

He was talking about the whole ordeal.

"I should've done something. I should've done something sooner. How could I have not known Minerva felt so—so—"

"Albus! You couldn't have known. It's a terrible thing that happened, but no one is to blame. You have to realize that."

"But Poppy, I—I—"

The mediwitch placed both hands on the older wizard's shoulders and gently guided him into a chair.

"Breathe."

Albus inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly and repeated until he calmed down.

"I'm sorry. How is she?"

"It was touch-and-go for a moment, but she's stable again."

"Will she be all right?"

"She should be. I can't be certain, though, Albus. She took over three times the safe dosage. We'll just have to wait and see. I've told you this already. Just try to be patient. She should be waking soon."

"What if she doesn't, Poppy? Could she die?"

"Minerva's strong, Albus. She'll be weak for a while, until the potion clears out of her system, but it's not usually lethal. She would've had to take almost twice what she did for it to be particularly deadly."

Albus was not comforted by this. "Not usually" lethal isn't the same as "definitely not" lethal…

"But there's a chance?"

Poppy looked at him with a pained expression.

"Always."

They shared a grim silence.

"May I see her?" Albus asked, breaking the quiet spell. Although he couldn't cope with seeing Minerva so dependent on enchantments and magical devices to survive, he hoped that this visit would go better now that she was breathing on her own.

"Of course."

Albus left Poppy's office and cautiously entered the adjacent room. Although a few vital sign monitors remained, he was relieved to see her face without a mask and with some color to it. He pulled a chair across the floor to sit next to the bed. He reached out to clasp her hand gently, and immediately lost control and started sobbing.

But crying would not do. If she could hear him, then he needed to be stronger. He tried to catch his breath, first with great gasps before he finally steadied his inhalations and exhalations.

"Minerva…," he murmured. "Oh, Minerva… I'm sorry. This should not have happened. I should have realized something was wrong sooner. I should have paid more attention. I should have spent more time with you. I should have—I should have—"

He stopped, thinking of Poppy's admonitions to stop blaming himself. Now was time to focus on Minerva. He traced her skin with his thumbs before bringing it to his face for a whisper of a kiss.

"I'm sorry—please, just wake up, Minerva…" He trailed off as tears slid down his cheeks and onto her knuckles, when suddenly he felt a gentle squeeze of his hand.

Could it be? Is she awake?

He slowly lifted his face, daring to hope that Minerva had awakened. Tired green eyes gazed back at his blue. First relief washed over him, and then his lips spread into a wobbly smile.

"Minerva! Minerva, thank goodness you're all right!" he exclaimed, more loudly than intended, and before he could restrain himself, he threw his arms around her. "I was so worried! I thought I might have lost you…"

Poppy bustled into the room, clearly having heard the news.

"Come now, get up before you crush her," she said.

Albus pulled back slowly, not wanting to let go. Poppy came to Minerva's other side and checked her vital signs manually.

"Good. You're doing much better than you were a few hours ago," she said. "You gave us quite a scare, Min."

Minerva averted her eyes and didn't speak.

"Rest now. You need to regain your strength. I'll be back to check on you in a bit. For now, just take it easy." She gave a reassuring smile and left for her office.

Now alone together, they sat in silence. When it became apparent that Minerva wasn't going to speak, Albus asked what was on his mind.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong now?"

Minerva gave him a sharp look. If Albus didn't feel the need to walk back his request right away, he would've relished the fact that she still had her fierceness.

"I'm sorry. I… I shouldn't press you. You let me know when you're ready."

He took a long, deep breath. Perhaps instead of rushing her to answer his questions, he could share how he felt.

"Minerva, I want to apologize. I haven't been as good a friend as I'd like to believe. I didn't realize that something was wrong until it was much too late, and that was a neglect of our friendship on my part. I am sorry it had to come to this. I am sorry if this is my fault."

Minerva softened her gaze this time.

"I'm truly sorry, Minerva. I hope you can accept my apology."

He breathed again.

"I understand if you do not wish to speak with me. I finally do. Just please… I hope you will soon. I was terrified that I had lost you forever, and even though you're not gone, I still feel as if I had lost you. In the past month or so, we've become distant, and we used to have such a close relationship. I want to regain that friendship, Minerva.

"I am sorry if I've hurt you. I'm sorry… about everything. Please… don't distance yourself. I'm here for you. I want you to know that. If ever you need anything, only say the word and I would be there. I sincerely care about you, Minerva. I couldn't bear to lose you. I… I…" He trailed off.

Minerva lowered her eyes.

Please don't hide. Please don't close yourself off, he thought pleadingly.

"Minerva, you have to let me in. I almost lost you," Albus choked out, ready to sob again. He took another deep breath.

"I want to know why. I know this isn't some meaningless, isolated event. Something is wrong, and I want to help fix what has gone so awry in your life. Please, Minerva. You have got to let me know what is going on. If I've hurt you, I want to make up for it. I'm sorry. You have to understand that. I'm sorry about—about…"

He paused and closed his eyes, mustering the courage to tell her what he should have much sooner.

"Minerva, I love you. I truly do. I can't bear to see you hurt."

Tears spilled down Minerva's cheeks, and her mouth dropped open. Albus saw several emotions flash through her eyes, but he couldn't identify any of them.

"Stop, Albus… stop," she said weakly, shaking her head. "I can't take this anymore."

She said it again, Albus thought. She's alive, but we still don't have all of her.

Minerva pulled the stark white covers over her face, quickly soaking the thin sheets with teardrops. Albus wanted to hold her, but she shook him off.

"Minerva… I am trying to help you. I cannot if you push me away. Please let me know what is troubling you. Whatever it is, you do not have to fight it alone."

Minerva turned away.

Don't hide, Min. You can't run from this.

"Minerva, please don't do this," Albus said desperately. "Whether you want to admit it or not, you cannot isolate yourself. You have friends here who care about you, and we hate to see you so unhappy. It hurts me to see you in pain. Honestly, dear, I lo—"

"Don't say it," Minerva interrupted, ice somehow in her small voice.

Maybe now is a bad time for this.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, unable to hide his frustration. "I'm sorry that I hurt you by caring. I will let you alone for now."

He sighed heavily and headed for the door. Leaving didn't feel right, but she didn't seem to want him there.

"Albus… don't go. Please don't."

Or maybe she did? Albus stopped his retreat but didn't turn around.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake, Albus, I tried to kill myself! Do you think you should leave me alone right now?" she cried hoarsely. "I don't want to be here… and I especially don't want to be here alone."

Hearing Minerva explicitly admit that she had been trying to kill herself felt like a punch to the gut. And what about now?

Does she mean that she doesn't want to be "here" in the Hospital Wing, or "here" in general?

He hesitantly turned around, unsure if he should let her see the grief and fear written on his face. He did not know what to say, or even if he should speak at all.

Fortunately, Minerva continued speaking.

"This is not your fault, Albus. Not completely, at least. I think I knew, somewhere inside, that it would come to this."

Wait, what? How long has she felt like this?

"I was always looking to perfect myself… and never was I satisfied. I… didn't even love myself. I don't know how I thought you could." She bit her lip and closed her eyes.

Albus returned to her bedside and knelt to see eye to eye with her. He tentatively took her hand again, relieved when she didn't pull away.

How can she think herself unlovable?

"…Because I did."

"What are you trying to do to me, Albus? You said—and now you're saying—" She pushed his hand away.

"I did. I do. I always have," Albus said in fragments. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing—that this would happen."

A fire lit in Minerva's eyes.

"You lied to me? Why? Why would you do this to me?"

Somehow, she managed to be as intimidating as ever, despite not being at her full strength. Albus recoiled ever so slightly, as if anticipating a hex to come at him. Although she didn't have her wand on her, he knew that her wandless magic could be similarly potent.

"I was afraid, for you, darling! After Voldemort—who knows where he's really gone! If he rises again, if there's another war, I can't be sure that I can protect you," he tried to explain. "I love you too much, Minerva. I only want you to be safe."

"But Albus, we're safe now," she protested. "You-Know-Who has disappeared; at least for now, the world is at peace. You know you can't live your life in fear, worrying about what could happen. If something does happen, you will never know what you missed."

Those are surprisingly hopeful words. I'll hold onto them.

"I know. I realized that," Albus said. "When—when I didn't know tonight if I'd ever get to speak to you again, to hear your voice again, to see your beautiful eyes light up—I knew that if I received a second chance, I could never let myself lose you again. I have never been more afraid than I was tonight. Dear, I love you, and I'm sorry. I need you to know that."

He slowly leaned in, nearing his lips to hers. When she didn't turn away, he closed the gap, and they shared a tentative kiss. He pulled back reluctantly, and he saw that her eyes welled with tears as much as his did.

"Please forgive me," they said in unison.

Albus immediately stilled his tongue to let Minerva speak, and it seemed she did the same thing, resulting in a moment of awkward silence.

"I should be the one asking for forgiveness," Minerva said finally, putting up a hand to stop Albus from interrupting. "I have treated you so coldly over the past month or so. I should have honestly accepted your proposal to keep our friendship intact. Instead, I treated you like a stranger. I refused to let you know what my troubles were, as I surely would have in the past. It's just that—I had already spilled my heart to you. I could not burden you again. You already have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

"Minerva, I'm sorry you felt that way, but you must know that I would always be there for you. If ever you need me, nothing else would prevent me from getting to you—not the Ministry, not the Minister himself. Your problems are real, and I do not want you to hurt. You could never be a burden to me," Albus said earnestly. "You need not apologize for anything you have done or said over the past several weeks. I am the one who must plead forgiveness. I caused your pain. It was my sheer stupidity that caused you to hurt. I… I almost killed you." He struggled to hold back tears.

"Albus… please stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault," Minerva insisted. "It doesn't even matter whose fault it is."

It's going to take a while for me not to blame myself, Albus thought, but he was certainly willing to try.

"I don't want to think about this anymore, Albus. I just want to feel all right."

Albus moved in and embraced her securely.

"Me, too," he murmured.

She rested her head upon his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I scared you," Minerva said. "But, can we—can we just move past this? Let's not forget, but… rather, learn from it? I don't want to do this again or feel this way anymore. And… I don't want to say I love you if events will just repeat themselves."

"Let's move on," Albus agreed.

"Promise me you won't keep anything from me?"

"If you can say the same for me."

Minerva smiled.

"I can."

Albus grinned, too, at the sight of the smile he hadn't seen in a long time.

He knew it would be a long road, but he was confident in his next thought:

We'll be all right.

A/N: Thank you for reading. Although there is a sequel to this ("Not Alone"), it's not finished. I don't even have it outlined. I can say that I would like to finish it, but I have no idea how long that will take me.