A/N: Hey everyone - I was recently inspired to write a piece on Kirito's and Asuna's relationship after a certain scene in SAO Progressive, Book 5. Overall, I think the SAO Progressive series is a good deep dive into their relationship, but personally speaking, I think there's a lot of missed potential with the emotional nuances between the two: the uncertainty of the unknown, the fear of what's to come, and of course, the budding attraction between the two. Thus, here is my reimagining of their relationship, as they try to connect with each other in the increasingly harsh world of Aincrad.
Please note: Minor spoilers for the SAO Progressive series.
Kirito had always been alone.
Even before SAO - even before this entire death game began, it had kind of always been like this. Well, to be exact, he wasn't truly alone; he had a few acquaintances at school that he could call his friends, and he was close to his sister, Sugu. But at the end of the day, it sometimes really did feel that way.
It wasn't something that he found pitiful, and he certainly didn't expect any sympathy for it either. That was just...how it always ended up turning out. And for better or worse, he was okay with it. It was just how his life was - simple as that, never stopping to develop judgement.
It had never been because he explicitly chose to be a loner, and it wasn't exactly because he was particularly antisocial - if anything, he thought he made an active effort and tried his best to not make anyone hate him. But at the end of the day, he didn't make an active effort to connect with those around him, either.
That's right. It wasn't entirely out of principle - but deep down, he knew that a good part of the reason why he had become a solo player was on himself. On that fateful day, he could've chosen to stay behind and help the first friend he ever made on this game. With his knowledge and experience from the beta, he almost assuredly could've been of some assistance to him, and perhaps countless others as well. He might've been able to save some players from their death in this game that was anything but.
But he didn't.
He turned away...and ran. All to give himself a running head start on all the other players.
If that wasn't the epitome of selfishness, then what was?
Of course, Kirito wasn't so extreme as to claim that it was his sole responsibility to take care of the other players. But at the same time, had he stayed behind and helped the rest, he was certain that of the two thousand plus players that have died over the past 2-3 months, Kirito could've saved at least one. So to not do so was to essentially forsake them - to send them to their deaths.
All of that meant that the fate of being a solo player was something that he could never complain about. If, in this game, he ran into a scenario where the only reason he died was because he was alone, then he knew that he would have truly deserved it.
Kirito had resigned himself to this fate a long time ago. He had come to terms with that fact just being a part of his life moving forward.
So then, if that was the case...what was this aching feeling gnawing away at him?
Kirito didn't have an answer; but at the very least, he knew the source.
Behind him, a female fencer gripped his belt tightly, meekly following in his footsteps. Her head was pulled down, such that her hazelnut colored hair fell down by her side and hid her face. Not that it would have mattered too much - save for the dim moonlight in the night sky, and the scarce lightposts scattered across the street as they walked across town, there wasn't much light to clearly see her face in the first place.
Plus...she probably didn't want anyone to look at her right now anyways.
PKers. Or Player Killers for short.
Back during the beta, there were players that liked to fight other players; but now that the game had turned deadly, PK-ing was an absolute taboo. It was no different than killing people in real life.
And yet, Kirito encountered two people just an hour earlier who had earnestly, truly, tried to take his life.
He was shaken up, to be sure, but this hadn't been his first experience with them. He had already steeled himself for the encounter with them again. So he wasn't worried about himself.
Coming to an intersection in the town, Kirito stopped in place to ascertain the direction to the inn. While looking left, he stole a glance behind him at his partner behind. And when he saw Asuna, the proud and fearless fencer who just a few months prior was recklessly throwing her life into the dungeons, with the slightest of shivers with her head down low...Kirito felt a couple of things that he had never previously felt before.
Asuna, judging by her appearance, was probably around his age. She had a love of baths, fear of ghosts, and was endlessly proud, annoyingly defiant, and kind to a fault at times.
By all accounts...she was just a normal teenage girl. No matter how fierce she was on the battlefield, this one simple fact wouldn't change.
What did a girl like her do to deserve this fate? Save for innocently putting on the Nervegear that day, she didn't deserve to be effectively fighting for her life against murderers treating this death game like a sport. As weird as it was for Kirito to think these things, when he saw her face - when he saw his partner, who he had trekked four whole floors with, he couldn't help but think about these things.
Grief. Sympathy. Anger. All of those foreign emotions swirled around him when he saw the once prideful and confident fencer in this state.
But most of all, he felt guilt. Because he knew that it was 100% his fault. He was the one who had intentionally let them fall into a paralysis state. He was the one who did so foolishly and without telling Asuna, without sparing a thought for the possible repercussions. And while there was no lingering physical damage - a recovery item and being in the safe zone made sure of that - the potential trauma of a battle to the death with another real life person was something that no potion could heal.
Kirito, despite his awkward, 15 year old self, understood that. And as a result, he also felt that it was his responsibility. That was as far as his limited understanding took him, though. What that really meant, that, he had no idea of. But regardless, the things he was feeling right now - all the grief, all of the anger - these emotions were more real than anything he had ever felt in the real world before. So as a result, he was determined to see things through.
Sorting out his thoughts, Kirito looked back at the street again, looking at the endless stream of lamps that lit the dim path through the darkness.
"...This way, Asuna. We're almost at the inn," Kirito murmured.
"Mmm. Lead the way."
Kirito took a left at the intersection, and after hearing Asuna's slightly dispirited response with no notion of wanting to continue the conversation, he decided not to say anything more.
The arrival at the inn was mostly unceremonious, and there were no lingering players in the inn lobby to question him as to why Asuna the fencer was following him so obediently. He let out a silent sigh of relief, until…
"Welcome to Jade and Kingfisher! What room would you like to stay in tonight?"
"Eh?"
...the hotel attendant asked him an innocuous question, and his mind totally drew a blank.
'Ah, crap...what's the right move here?' Kirito thought. 'This place probably isn't that full - should we just get two separate rooms? But Asuna did say before to sleep in the same hotel suite...but no, she probably wants time to herself tonight, right? So, yeah, let's go with that…'
Before he could even open his mouth, though, the chestnut haired girl spoke behind him.
"We'll take the deluxe suite, please."
No hesitation.
"Ah- wha-!" Kirito started.
"Certainly! That'll be on the 5th floor. The elevator is on your right." The hotel attendant NPC finished her scripted response and then bowed, indicating the end of the interaction.
And just like that, the decision was made without him. Slightly bewildered, Kirito turned back to look at Asuna, and for the first time in a couple of hours, was finally able to see her face more clearly now that she was looking back up at him. Unfortunately for him though, the only face he was met with was of one with a sour attitude.
"...What? Got a problem?" Asuna retorted. "This is what we agreed on, isn't it?"
"I mean, yeah, I guess…"
Without a real concrete reason to suggest an alternative, Kirito begrudgingly accepted the outcome.
"Now c'mon, let's go…" Asuna murmured softly, stifling a yawn. "I don't know how much longer I can stand."
"Haah," Kirito sighed. "Sure thing, princess."
The view from the deluxe suite was quite the sight - this inn was known for its scenic overlook of the river that flowed through town, after all. Ordinarily, Asuna would marvel at this sort of scenic view, but the accumulated stress and fatigue from the battle two hours earlier meant that she probably cared about none of that right now whatsoever. Instead, she trotted to the far end of the living room, where the two bedrooms were, and looked at both of them briefly.
"Well, I'll take this one," she said softly, gesturing to her left. "Good night, Kirito."
"Ah-"
Before Kirito even had a chance to say anything, much less a simple 'good night', Asuna glided into her room, not even bothering to close the door. After a brief delay, he heard the chime that removed her equipment, and then...silence.
Still standing awkwardly in place from when Asuna abruptly exited, Kirito eventually just decided to sit down on the couch after a couple of minutes, and with nothing to do, inevitably came back to mulling on his thoughts.
'That's right...what am I doing? What SHOULD I be doing?'
It was no secret that him operating like this - as a solo player, stealing all the last attack bonuses - had garnered resentment from both the DKB and the ALS. Not only that, but it seems that the unknown group of PKers, like Morte, had taken an unhealthy interest in him too. Having Asuna sticking around with him - would that really be best for her?
"If it's a matter of wanting to or not wanting to...I don't want us to split up."
That's what he had said, but…
"Haah…" Kirito let out a heavy sigh. Thinking about this kinda stuff wasn't like him. He had always prided himself in being someone who wasn't overly sentimental or emotional; but when it came to Asuna, he couldn't help but feel like...he really needed to think about it a little harder. He couldn't exactly place his finger on exactly why he felt that way, but something swelled up inside of him when he thought of her all the same.
Kirito sighed again, and looked up at the ceiling. All of this thinking was making his head spin. He wasn't tired at all, to be perfectly honest, but he decided that he should try to get some rest while he still could. Getting up from the couch, he walked over to the adjacent bedroom doors, and stole a peek through Asuna's still open door. Asuna was lying on the bed wearing a simple tunic and shorts, her head facing away from the door. However, she must've been too exhausted and passed out right away; she wasn't even under the covers.
"Agh, jeez, you're gonna catch a cold…" Kirito muttered.
Justifying his actions with Asuna's well-being, he walked into Asuna's room, careful as to not make too much noise to wake her up. He then nudged her over gently, and then put the covers on top. Satisfied with himself, he started to make his way out of the room, until…
"...Kirito."
...Asuna's voice rang out softly, and Kirito instantly froze up. He felt like he had just been caught committing a crime, even though he didn't even do anything wrong. He didn't even dare look back, lest Asuna's wrath come down on him.
"A-Ah, Asuna, sorry, did I wake up? I-I didn't do anything, I swear!" Kirito stammered. "I was just-"
"I know, it's fine," Asuna replied curtly, cutting him off. "I just...can I ask a favor?"
"A favor?"
Caught slightly off guard, Kirito turned his head back around, only to find that Asuna was in the same position as he had left her, her body still facing away from him.
"Yeah. I kinda...don't want to sleep alone tonight."
…
...Eh?
What did Asuna just say?
"Uhm, sorry - Asuna-san?" Kirito started, not believing his hearing for even a second. "I must be too tired - can you say that again?"
"Agh, jeez!" Asuna finally turned around on the bed, and Kirito could once again see that her face was housing an exasperated look. "I'm just a little shaken up after today's events, all right? I just want some assurance...that's all."
Kirito wasn't exactly sure how to proceed; racing at light speed, his 15 year old brain with no prior experience of this kind of situation struggled to figure out how to respond.
But when he looked at Asuna's face, all of those thoughts seemingly evaporated.
Maybe he was just imagining things, but for just the faintest of seconds - he swore that underneath that defiant expression, he could detect the smallest traces of melancholy… and fear.
...He did this.
He was the one who put her in this situation, and the one that made her feel this way. The least he could do was to try to assuage her worries and make her feel a little better. At least, he felt that he had an obligation to do so. And so, it was all he could do but to just give a slight nod.
"But!"
And no sooner did he do so, did that look on Asuna's face get replaced by her usual fierce demeanor, and she urgently drew a finger down the middle of the bed.
"No crossing this line," Asuna declared forcibly. "This is the absolute border. Do you understand?"
This time, Kirito nodded with as much urgency as he could.
"Y-yes ma'am!"
...
Everything after that was kind of a surreal blur to Kirito after that. His mind must've went on autopilot mode, because the next thing he knew, he had changed out of his armor and weapons, and was under the covers on the opposite side. Of course, needless to say, both of them were facing away from each other.
"Well...good night," Kirito managed to say after he got settled in.
There was a short pause, to the point that Kirito thought she had already fallen asleep. But not long after, a soft and reciprocal "good night" came from his partner. Kirito left it at that and decided to go to sleep.
Under normal circumstances, Kirito probably would've been unable to sleep in this situation, and indeed, when he was sitting on the couch just five minutes earlier, he felt wide awake; yet somehow, as soon as his head touched the pillow, he could feel the tension drain from his body and his eyelids turn heavy. He had managed to stay awake until then, but now, without a reason to resist the sleep creeping up on him, he decided to submit to what his body was telling him.
"...Kirito, are you still awake?"
That is, until the fencer next to him surfaced a reason. And just like that, his hard earned drowsiness evaporated.
"Ah, yeah," Kirito replied. "What's up?"
A brief pause again.
"Those PKers…" Asuna murmured softly. "They'll be back, won't they?"
"..."
And this time, it was Kirito who was at a loss for words, unsure of how to respond. He opened his eyes a little, staring at the blank wall that was slightly illuminated by the moon outside their window.
"Well...honestly, I'm not sure," Kirito admitted finally. They probably won't be back for a while after we almost killed them. Still though, they aren't the type to forget these kinds of things very quickly."
"Mmm…"
"...Are you worried?" Kirito timidly asked.
"No - I don't think so," Asuna responded in a similar hushed tone. "I don't think it's worriedness I'm feeling, at least. But…"
"...But?"
"But, well...I'm not sure, to be honest."
Across the bed, Asuna bit down on her lip, forcing her voice to stop trembling.
"I thought I had steeled myself for what was to come in this world," Asuna continued. "In order to stay myself. In order to not lose to this accursed place. I really thought I would be ready, no matter what came."
"Asuna…"
"But...but when I think about how we may have to fight against those people again - put to a battle to the death with another human being - I can't help it, Kirito. I-I can't help but...start shaking a little."
Even on the other side of the bed, Kirito could feel Asuna quivering.
"...And that makes me scared."
Upon hearing those words, Kirito's heart sank.
This wasn't what he wanted. This wasn't right. Maybe...this was the wrong choice after all.
"Asuna...hear me out," Kirito started.
He wasn't sure what the correct decision was; he wasn't even sure if this was what he wanted. But what he was sure of was that he didn't want Asuna to feel like this. Not ever again.
"Maybe we should-"
"Stop right there, Kirito."
But before he could even voice his opinion, he was roughly cut off by Asuna, who rustled around for a bit, indicating that she probably turned around on the bed to face him.
"Huh - wha?" Kirito asked. Carefully, Kirito slowly did the same and turned over.
Across the bed, Asuna locked eyes with Kirito, a fierce expression on her face.
"Don't say it," Asuna declared. Her eyes were the faintest bit red and puffy; an indication that she had been crying. "We went over this already, didn't we? I don't want to break this partnership, and neither do you. So why do you insist on bringing this topic back up again?"
"Well, yes, but..." Kirito stopped to gather his thoughts, his inner conflict clearly showing on his face. "It's not safe, Asuna. Staying with me - it'll only get more dangerous. There has to be a better way so that what happened today won't happen again."
"And will that make you happy?" Asuna asked.
"What?"
"I said: would that make you happy?"
Caught off guard, Kirito took a couple of seconds to formulate a response. "T-this isn't about me! I'm just concerned for-"
"But it is, don't you see?" Asuna glowered, cutting him off again. "You're usually more concerned for what you want and what would benefit you. Why is it that when it comes to me you're always different?"
"...!"
Always...different?
Faced with those words, Kirito could say nothing back.
Was that true? Sure, he might've acted with a little more caution when it concerned Asuna, but… 'what you want?'
...What did he want?
When it became apparent that Kirito wasn't going to answer, Asuna gave a wistful sigh and rolled onto her back, facing the ceiling.
"...Hey, Kirito," Asuna eventually said, a new vigor in her voice. "Do you remember when I told you I have a goal now? You know, after we cleared the first floor boss."
"Eh? Ah, yeah." Unsure of where the conversation was headed, Kirito simply agreed.
"You see, I've slowly come to realize over the course of us partying together, that being with you is the best way for me to accomplish that dream."
"Really?" Kirito asked. "And what is that dream?"
"It's a secret," Asuna teased, a small smile finding its way onto her lips.
"Ehhhh, what's with that?"
"Hehe, maybe someday I'll tell you," Asuna let out a small laugh, lightening up the mood a little, before returning to her more serious tone. "My point is though...I have my reasons for being here with you - and you do too. You said you don't want to split. If you truly, truly, feel that way, then nothing else matters; only those feelings should be important. So listen more to what your heart is saying...okay? I don't like it when you're clearly compromising for my sake."
"…"
Kirito pondered on those thoughts for a moment. He did want to stay together, this much was true, but it was also true that he was concerned for her safety; had Asuna just seen that as an excuse, though? He had tried to value Asuna's best interests, but in doing so, in deviating from what he really wanted...had he hurt her, even unintentionally?
He looked back at Asuna, who was staring back with that fiery determination in her eyes that she so commonly held.
Above all else, Asuna didn't want to be a burden; Kirito knew that instinctively. So to treat her differently would be to do so. To give a lame excuse and not say what he was really feeling...would be to do so.
He had his reservations but perhaps...Asuna had a point. He didn't want to split. Everything else was secondary. Everything else could work around that. To say otherwise would be to betray the partnership that he had created with Asuna, and the trust that they had formed during their time clearing the last 4 floors.
Kirito took a deep breath, and met Asuna's gaze again.
"...You're right, Asuna. I won't mention it again. I want to continue partnering with you, if I can. So we'll make it work, somehow."
Asuna gave a slight, understanding look.
"Mm."
A few seconds passed, and she spoke again in a soft manner.
"...Thank you. For being your honest self with me."
After that, Asuna rolled back over, seemingly ending the conversation. Kirito, taking that as his cue, did the same.
They had said all of that, laid all of their feelings bare…and yet, they were still as they were, facing away from each other on the opposite sides of the bed. Kirito couldn't help but feel that although they had reaffirmed their feelings on the matter, the distance between them hadn't closed at all.
'Well, it can't be so easy to connect with others, after all…'
"Kirito - pinkie."
...Or so Kirito thought.
"Eh?" Kirito asked on the other side, slightly confused. "Pinkie?"
"Yes," Asuna repeated. "Hold out your pinkie."
Kirito turned around once more on the bed to see Asuna facing him, this time with her pinkie sticking out from under the covers.
Kirito started to pull out his hand to do the same, until he remembered the ironclad wall separating the two.
"But, the border…"
"One pinkie's worth won't hurt. Just do it," Asuna insisted again.
"Okay…"
Hesitantly, Kirito stuck out his pinkie from under the covers, putting it at the border. After a few moments, Asuna brushed by it with her own pinkie, and tentatively grabbed it. On instinct, Kirito squeezed back.
More than anything, Kirito wanted to ask what exactly was going on. He thought better of it though, when he looked up and saw that the melancholic expression that he caught a glimpse of very faintly earlier had found its way back onto Asuna's face.
It was rare that Asuna wore such a wistful look; but in that moment, despite himself, Kirito could think of nothing else but how beautiful she was. And so, he said nothing, mesmerized by her expression in the faint moonlight.
It was Asuna who eventually broke the silence between them.
"...It's so warm," she simply said.
"Hm?"
"Your finger." As if to emphasize it, she squeezed his pinkie with her own. "It's strange, really. In this digital world, that can be so cruel and cold...you're still so warm."
Kirito said nothing, opting to just return the squeeze instead.
"Back on the first floor, I always thought I'd die alone in this world," Asuna continued, "and yet, this warmth is proof otherwise. Hey Kirito...you're here with me in this world, right?"
"...I'm here. I'm right next to you in this world, Asuna. No matter what comes, even if the PKers come back; at the very least, we'll face it together."
"Mmm…"
Asuna said nothing more, closing her eyes.
...Yes, that's right. Kirito still didn't really understand this feeling swelling up inside of him, but what he did know was that come what may, he would protect her. He wouldn't forgive Morte or the other PKer's for what they did to Asuna, and he would never let their wicked blades near her ever again.
He stared at their pinkies in the middle, connecting them at the border of the bed.
For just the briefest of moments, upon seeing the sight before him, he was seized with a shockingly powerful urge.
He didn't want this pinkie.
He wanted to grab her hand, to pull her close. To embrace her in a reassuring hug, to tell her that everything would be okay. To tell her that he would be the one to keep her safe, and convince her so.
Before today, he would've told himself that he was being an idiot for doing so, and let it go. But Asuna had told him to be himself; to listen to what his heart was saying. Was it...the right thing to do?
Unconsciously, he must've tightened his grip on Asuna's pinkie, because before he knew it, he felt a squeeze back and Asuna's eyes were open again.
"Kirito?" Asuna inquired. "Something the matter?"
Kirito met her gaze briefly, then looked away again.
"I'm going to tell you one thing I really, truly, hate. It's when two people know what each other are thinking, but they decide to continue using vague, imprecise words to keep everything at a distance. The really important things ought to be said cleanly and clearly."
Those were the words that Asuna had said to him.
He looked back at her soft face - and when he saw the red, puffy eyelids that he first saw earlier, he made up his mind. In this moment - now, with Asuna - this was what he wanted, the "right" thing be damned.
"Asuna, listen to me for a sec."
"Hm?" Asuna responded, opening her eyes fully. "Why so serious?"
"Er, well...I'm not entirely sure. I'm not really sure what I'm feeling, and I don't know how to say it either," Kirito admitted. "Uhm..."
But at this point, there was no turning back. He steeled himself, and forced himself to continue. "Okay, look. I know this is going to sound crazy, but...you...I…"
"Wait, Kirito."
"Wha?"
And for the third time tonight, Asuna cut Kirito off before he could finish.
Asuna took a deep breath, and then met his gaze again with an earnest expression.
"I think I know what you're going to say."
"Huh? Really?" Kirito blinked.
Asuna nodded in response. "And I think, to a certain extent...I also feel the same way. It's so jumbled in my brain but...I can't deny that some part of it is there. Even still though, I don't want you to say it; at least, not yet.
"Eh? Why not?"
"Uhm... I'm not sure how exactly to phrase it either, to tell the truth. I know I said that the really important things need to be put out in the open," Asuna admitted. Her eyes flitted between Kirito's own eyes and their connected hands. Through the window, the moonlight streamed in, illuminating her worried, yet resolute face. "But I don't think I'm ready yet. Saying those types of words...things can't go back to where they once were once it's out in the open. "
"And you think...that not saying it aloud would be for the best?" Kirito asked.
This time, she shook her head on the pillow. "No...I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong when it comes to this. For me though, I personally want to take it slow. This world...even though it feels like it's been forever, we're only on the sixth floor. There's still a lot of time - a lot of uncertainty. I don't want to rush into things; I don't want to necessarily get swept up in the moment."
She paused for a couple of seconds, wavering, but then quickly reaffirmed herself, squeezing his pinkie and making eye contact again.
"...But I can promise you this, at least. I'll try my best to be with you...until I reach that point. When I'm ready."
Kirito swallowed, but eventually nodded, squeezing back.
"...Yeah. I promise too."
Nothing more about that topic was said after that; but, well, nothing more needed to be said. Instead, after a minute or so, Kirito let out an inadvertent yawn. It was all Asuna could do to stifle a small laugh.
"Let's get some sleep, shall we?" she offered. "It's been a long day."
"Yeah, you're right," Kirito agreed sleepily. "Good night, Asuna."
"Good night...Kirito."
And with that, their conversation slowly fizzled out into silence. It had indeed been a long day for Kirito, and he could definitely feel the sleep crawling up to him. Yet still, though, there were thoughts that lingered in his mind.
Did he do the right thing? Was he really listening to what his heart was telling him? And after all of this...had things really changed?
He took one last look at the pinkies connecting the two in the middle.
...They had to have. It was a small promise; a pinkie promise at that. But still, that one pinkie promise broke down the wall separating the two from each other. The distance between them may not have fully closed, but if anything, their connected hands were proof that things had indeed changed - that they were in this world together, and they would overcome the challenges, come what may.
With that revelation, on the edge of sleep, he understood what he should've all along.
Being with Asuna, whether he realized it or not...had changed him.
This world wasn't real. This bed wasn't real, their avatars weren't real, and the pinkies connecting their hands may not necessarily be real. But the relationships that he formed - the bond that he had slowly created with Asuna during these past 4 floors, and the emotions that he would experience with her in the floors to come - that was more real than anything else.
And for the first time in his life, Kirito realized he was no longer alone.
A/N: That's it for now - I hope you enjoyed my reimagination of their story!
I originally planned this as a one/two shot, with the second chapter being the same story but told from Asuna's perspective. Let me know if you would be interested in seeing that as well!
As always, reviews and comments are always welcome and appreciated.